it's been a long time. i simply dont have the time to build up my thought. too busy.probably.
i have this vulnerable feeling. i fear something that i dont know. something that is beyond control.
i fear for the future that might not show its face at all. i fear that everyone i love is going to be gone in a blink of an eye, and i cant hold their hand strong enough. i fear that i am living an empty life and when it comes to the day of judgment, nothing of what i have done in this world would matter a bit. i am fearful, and i dont know..my feeling is so vast that sometimes i felt overwhelmed by it. maybe it was too much thinking. Maybe it was coming of age. As if all the sunny, warm, breezy days are gone. .. What is this feeling? Depression? or Delusion?
Apr 21, 2014
Mar 4, 2014
The 3.0 post
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah
Thank you Allah for all the blessings up to now. For still giving me life and the opportunity to contribute to the betterment of world in general. I couldn't have write it simpler. At 30, you learned that you can never be as simple minded as it was before. I am not my 20 year old self anymore. My perspective is different. My feeling is different. What i believe in also has changed. and hopefully for the better. Alhamdulillah Ya Allah. Experience has made me tougher, yet softer at the same time. Wisdom do has an edge with it. Indeed, age is more than just a number. Age is everything that is you. Unless, you didnt learn anything at all in these 30 year of time.
A woman at 30,
learned to accept compliment with an open heart,
A woman at 30,
learned to accept criticism with open mind,
A woman at 30,
learned to accept rejection with wisdom.
A woman at 30,
learned to accept acceptance with appreciation.
A woman at 30,
learned to smile through the pain.
A woman at 30,
learned to do things with confidence.
A woman at 30,
learned to deal with weaknesses with patience
A woman at 30,
learned that life is too short
and bad times past,
and beauty is more than just a pretty face
and that age is more than just a number.
A woman at 30 Is.
Happy Birthday to myself. Today i do feel teary.
Thank you Allah for all the blessings up to now. For still giving me life and the opportunity to contribute to the betterment of world in general. I couldn't have write it simpler. At 30, you learned that you can never be as simple minded as it was before. I am not my 20 year old self anymore. My perspective is different. My feeling is different. What i believe in also has changed. and hopefully for the better. Alhamdulillah Ya Allah. Experience has made me tougher, yet softer at the same time. Wisdom do has an edge with it. Indeed, age is more than just a number. Age is everything that is you. Unless, you didnt learn anything at all in these 30 year of time.
A woman at 30,
learned to accept compliment with an open heart,
A woman at 30,
learned to accept criticism with open mind,
A woman at 30,
learned to accept rejection with wisdom.
A woman at 30,
learned to accept acceptance with appreciation.
A woman at 30,
learned to smile through the pain.
A woman at 30,
learned to do things with confidence.
A woman at 30,
learned to deal with weaknesses with patience
A woman at 30,
learned that life is too short
and bad times past,
and beauty is more than just a pretty face
and that age is more than just a number.
A woman at 30 Is.
Happy Birthday to myself. Today i do feel teary.
Dec 25, 2013
Tanya sama hati
Alhamdulillah. Kejutan Allah memang sangat sweet dan tak dapat dijangka. But then, betul lah kan. Nama pun kejutan. Mana ada kejutan yang dapat dijangka.
Hari itu, menonton satu program di TV. ada satu couple. Yang si isteri tu dulunya ada cerita kontroversi sebelum berkahwin dengan si husband. Bila lihat mereka di TV, diam-diam hati terdetik: memang ada hikmahnya. Ada hikmahnya perhubungan yang terputus atau perkahwinan yang terjadi. Hikmah itu selalu untuk yang terbaik dan tak ada yang berlaku sia-sia.
Hari semalam, seperti selalu, browsing my social network. Satu kejutan tak disangka. Dua pasang lecturer zaman uni tahun 2007. pasangan ini diberitakan bercerai. Ingat lagi masa tu semua orang hampa. well, people like fairy tale kinds of love story. No room for imperfection. Still mereka berpisah juga. No further news on that. Fairy tale crushed. Semalam, seorang lecturer zaman uni announced or made public their photo. They are husband and wife again. Surprise!!! after all these years. Alhamdulillah.
It did what to me: bertambah yakin bahawa Allah lebih mengetahui akan segala sesuatu yang terbaik untuk hamba-Nya. Bahawa jodoh telah tertulis dan tiada satu pun yang dapat menghalang sekiranya ia sudah tertulis. TIADA. yang pastinya, tak ada sesuatu pun yang berlaku sia-sia.
Sekiranya, selama ini ada yang belum kamu peroleh walaupun telah berusaha sekuat mungkin, tanyalah sama hati: apa yang kamu betul-betul perlukan saat itu? There must be something in your heart or yourself that pull it to you...or drive it away. Kerana mungkin apa yang kamu mahu dan tak dapat itu, mungkin kamu tak perlukan.
Yang pasti: Jodoh ajal maut rezeki adalah dengan keizinan Allah jua. Berusahalah dan Berdoalah. dan perbaiki niat. Insya Allah. Tak ada yang berlaku sia-sia tanpa tujuan.
Insyaallah.
Hari itu, menonton satu program di TV. ada satu couple. Yang si isteri tu dulunya ada cerita kontroversi sebelum berkahwin dengan si husband. Bila lihat mereka di TV, diam-diam hati terdetik: memang ada hikmahnya. Ada hikmahnya perhubungan yang terputus atau perkahwinan yang terjadi. Hikmah itu selalu untuk yang terbaik dan tak ada yang berlaku sia-sia.
Hari semalam, seperti selalu, browsing my social network. Satu kejutan tak disangka. Dua pasang lecturer zaman uni tahun 2007. pasangan ini diberitakan bercerai. Ingat lagi masa tu semua orang hampa. well, people like fairy tale kinds of love story. No room for imperfection. Still mereka berpisah juga. No further news on that. Fairy tale crushed. Semalam, seorang lecturer zaman uni announced or made public their photo. They are husband and wife again. Surprise!!! after all these years. Alhamdulillah.
It did what to me: bertambah yakin bahawa Allah lebih mengetahui akan segala sesuatu yang terbaik untuk hamba-Nya. Bahawa jodoh telah tertulis dan tiada satu pun yang dapat menghalang sekiranya ia sudah tertulis. TIADA. yang pastinya, tak ada sesuatu pun yang berlaku sia-sia.
Sekiranya, selama ini ada yang belum kamu peroleh walaupun telah berusaha sekuat mungkin, tanyalah sama hati: apa yang kamu betul-betul perlukan saat itu? There must be something in your heart or yourself that pull it to you...or drive it away. Kerana mungkin apa yang kamu mahu dan tak dapat itu, mungkin kamu tak perlukan.
Yang pasti: Jodoh ajal maut rezeki adalah dengan keizinan Allah jua. Berusahalah dan Berdoalah. dan perbaiki niat. Insya Allah. Tak ada yang berlaku sia-sia tanpa tujuan.
Insyaallah.
Nov 13, 2013
Why, What and Where i write?
#30 day Blog Challenge
Finally i get up to doing this. By nature, i am a quite reserved person. i dont really say what i feel, sometimes my mind is clamouring with things but still couldn't put it into word. When i like something, i keep it to myself. When i am angry, i keep it to myself. When i am sad, i throw words here and there but not the entire feeling. sometimes, it is bottled up for a very long time, and never really get out.
Why i write?
It is a kind of escapism. to write and let it out unhindered. it is more beautiful that way, i guess. i write because i love the mechanic of writing. the expressions are more sensible. the feeling is more pronounced. and because i love the privacy of writing. i love the quiet atmosphere you build up with your own mind. The way when you write, you build up the thought. i love the trains of thought. sometimes, something is so beautiful that it is even more beautiful when you write it down. Like a song.
What i write?
Everything that is available at the time of writing. At first i am writing as a form of reflection. for me to go back to when i feel down and in needs of reassurance. Or when i am so tired, i need a medium of release. that is when my blog comes in handy. as a storage of my feelings and thought.i seldom write of bad memories. i justify myself when i write. something that is impossible for me to do with human. i write of good feelings, mostly and sadness. i write about strong emotion: mostly sad and melancholic things.
Where?
My blogs. i am so insecure and not confident that i feel exposed if i write and someone read my writing. Terribly exposed. i dont just let anyone read them. because it is private and personal. the time i let someone read it, well that must be a person im comfortable with. someone i could trust.
done with the first topic. Challenge is on!
Finally i get up to doing this. By nature, i am a quite reserved person. i dont really say what i feel, sometimes my mind is clamouring with things but still couldn't put it into word. When i like something, i keep it to myself. When i am angry, i keep it to myself. When i am sad, i throw words here and there but not the entire feeling. sometimes, it is bottled up for a very long time, and never really get out.
Why i write?
It is a kind of escapism. to write and let it out unhindered. it is more beautiful that way, i guess. i write because i love the mechanic of writing. the expressions are more sensible. the feeling is more pronounced. and because i love the privacy of writing. i love the quiet atmosphere you build up with your own mind. The way when you write, you build up the thought. i love the trains of thought. sometimes, something is so beautiful that it is even more beautiful when you write it down. Like a song.
What i write?
Everything that is available at the time of writing. At first i am writing as a form of reflection. for me to go back to when i feel down and in needs of reassurance. Or when i am so tired, i need a medium of release. that is when my blog comes in handy. as a storage of my feelings and thought.i seldom write of bad memories. i justify myself when i write. something that is impossible for me to do with human. i write of good feelings, mostly and sadness. i write about strong emotion: mostly sad and melancholic things.
Where?
My blogs. i am so insecure and not confident that i feel exposed if i write and someone read my writing. Terribly exposed. i dont just let anyone read them. because it is private and personal. the time i let someone read it, well that must be a person im comfortable with. someone i could trust.
done with the first topic. Challenge is on!
Nov 2, 2013
The most tiring week
What a tiring week!
I have been going back and forth RNU-KK-RNU this week. My mother is ill. The only right thing to do is to be by her side. To help out where necessary. Thus my going back and forth. Alhamdulillah she is getting better, though still need assistance to the toilet. Alhamdulillah ya Allah.
I come back to work on Friday with tonss of pending tasks and unfinished business.
Hmm. I feel that this 2 week time is a down time for everyone. I wish that i could make everyone that matters to me happy. Because whenever these people feel down, i am affected by that. I couldnt help myself but feel it too.
I pray that i could contribute towards betterment. I pray that Allah guides me to do what's right, always. InsyaAllah
I have been going back and forth RNU-KK-RNU this week. My mother is ill. The only right thing to do is to be by her side. To help out where necessary. Thus my going back and forth. Alhamdulillah she is getting better, though still need assistance to the toilet. Alhamdulillah ya Allah.
I come back to work on Friday with tonss of pending tasks and unfinished business.
Hmm. I feel that this 2 week time is a down time for everyone. I wish that i could make everyone that matters to me happy. Because whenever these people feel down, i am affected by that. I couldnt help myself but feel it too.
I pray that i could contribute towards betterment. I pray that Allah guides me to do what's right, always. InsyaAllah
Oct 17, 2013
Of moving
Another colleague is leaving and sad about it. I dont understand. Getting transfer should be a happy occasion; given the fact that she always talk about getting transfer, about moving to some place else. yes, it is sad to leave the place you've known like the back of your hand. It is sad to leave the people. It is a little awkward to start anew from zero with other people in another place. But should be a happy thing to be able to be close to your family.
When i got transferred, i was happy and sad at the same time. I was sad to leave my circle of friends, which i've gotten to like very much. But i was excited thinking about home. Excited that finally i got what i've always wanted. I am happy. Though i cried the entire day on the way home. Simply because i purposedly avoid meeting my good friend and send him a text instead. I decided that lebih baik saya tak jumpa dia. So when i texted him saying i'm on the way, sorry blabla..when he replied my text i knew it was the right decision to not go see him before i leave. My brother who was driving got fed up at me for crying so much. THAT's how bad i cried. But i'm coming back for his wedding :)
i cried when i went to see everyone in admin. when all the kakaks there hugged me, i cried like hell. When i went to HEP, again i cried. It was sad. but it's the right thing to do at that time.It was time to move on. I would certainly miss people. Terribly .
When i got transferred, i was happy and sad at the same time. I was sad to leave my circle of friends, which i've gotten to like very much. But i was excited thinking about home. Excited that finally i got what i've always wanted. I am happy. Though i cried the entire day on the way home. Simply because i purposedly avoid meeting my good friend and send him a text instead. I decided that lebih baik saya tak jumpa dia. So when i texted him saying i'm on the way, sorry blabla..when he replied my text i knew it was the right decision to not go see him before i leave. My brother who was driving got fed up at me for crying so much. THAT's how bad i cried. But i'm coming back for his wedding :)
i cried when i went to see everyone in admin. when all the kakaks there hugged me, i cried like hell. When i went to HEP, again i cried. It was sad. but it's the right thing to do at that time.It was time to move on. I would certainly miss people. Terribly .
I remembered when one of my colleagues asked me-cynically- that me asking for transfer is just "cuba-cuba". I didn't like the tone but i love people like this - it was a sign to be curt and matter of fact.
When i moved out, it was not to satisfy some people, it was more to protect my sanity and myself. I will always remember how i felt in this moment. They always said i should take one for the team and how hurtful was that . i think now the karma is paid and return accordingly. So ii is time to move on..:)
Everything did happen for a reason.
Everything did happen for a reason.
Oct 11, 2013
Alhamdulillah
I dedicate this post to my superior.
She came to me and hugged me, pat me at the back and said thank you for coming in like a breath of fresh air. For helping to do things and running things. For not holding back. Wow, thank you for letting me know that, mam. A very simple word but for me it warmed my heart. Really appreciate it. Especially when you have been living in an environment where anybody rarely say anything nice or comforting. Where you learn to give the compliment to yourself. Really really moved.i accepted the compliment. Thank you
Thank you Allah, for sending people who help me to mend everyday. Thank you for reminding me that i am on the right track. Thank you Allah for giving me the opportunity to recover. Thank you ya Allah for the wisdom to understand. Thank you ya Allah for the blessings.
Alhamdulillah.
She came to me and hugged me, pat me at the back and said thank you for coming in like a breath of fresh air. For helping to do things and running things. For not holding back. Wow, thank you for letting me know that, mam. A very simple word but for me it warmed my heart. Really appreciate it. Especially when you have been living in an environment where anybody rarely say anything nice or comforting. Where you learn to give the compliment to yourself. Really really moved.i accepted the compliment. Thank you
Thank you Allah, for sending people who help me to mend everyday. Thank you for reminding me that i am on the right track. Thank you Allah for giving me the opportunity to recover. Thank you ya Allah for the wisdom to understand. Thank you ya Allah for the blessings.
Alhamdulillah.
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