Keberanian

Today i cried. I cried. I CRIED. You know why i cried, coz i felt weak and helpless. 

"It lies not in our power to love or hate
For will in us is over-rul'd by fate
When two are stripped long ere the course begin,
We wish that one should lose,
The other win." -Christopher Marlowe, Hero and Leander.

Of losing

People think that the most important thing is to have what you want. What an overstatement. Because when you lost something you valued the most, that's when you understand the true meaning of losing. And the feeling is nowhere similar to the feeling of not getting something you want.

2015 is indeed the year which I lost the most part of myself. I lost my grandmother due to terminal illness. Besides my mother, my grandmother was my other mother. I spent a good part of my childhood with her, sharing her beliefs and values. Learning how to be a better person, learning to be a compassionate human being. If one said that a mother's love is abundant, just imagine if you have two mothers to spoil and love you. It was the best kind of love. 

When she was gone, for a few days and even at this moment, her things in my room are intact. At first, I couldn't look at her things without crying. Let alone rummaged it. I couldn't go to her grave without shedding buckets of tear. I couldn't even watch movies she liked and not think about what she would say about it. The topic of conversation would always drift back to her. I spent nights dreaming of her just to catch glimpses of her in my sleep. I did, but dream is a dream, it slipped through your fingers like water. Days when I would think about the way she walked and talked and joked. Just the way she was. Again, memories can't be pinned down. She was gone for good. I remembered being furious and feeling offended at her funeral because some well-meant comments from the relatives, that it was better for her to have passed, considering her illness. NOBODY has the rights to say something so insensitive as that. No matter what was the intention, I rather if she just kept her mouth shut. I couldn't accept it that, who don't know her well, or knew her the least started speaking about her as if they cared! 

On the other hand, I feel that I hadn't done enough for her. My only consolation was the thought that Allah has granted me one year and a half to be with her before she passed. I feel terribly guilty. 

After she passed, I feel void. My feeling is empty or numb for a while. I don't know. I remembered feeling a vast loneliness inside me. 

The truth is, I am terrified of losing more people; that everyone that I love is going to leave and there is nothing I could do to stop the inevitable. I was terrified. For months, I felt hopeless and terrified. 

But death is inevitable. Sooner or later, everyone is going to leave for good. So the best we can do is to appreciate their existence before it's too late to do so. 

Demam

Fever and flu. Everything is aching. Bak kata ustaz in my office, sama-samalah kita menikmati musim. So true, with the weather having a mood swing - hot and cold and rain and wind, it is only a matter of time before you catch the bugs. My boss said the weather is just the trigger, in actuality you might not be as fit as you think you are. True as well.

I say it is my negative vibes eating me up. I do a lot of things these lately that made me irritable and easily angered. I am angry, think too much, agree to so many things that i could've say no. In short, i have this storage of build up unreleased emotions that are waiting to get out. When it stays inside, i got sick. Negative! I have experienced the worst time in my life as a result of being too negative. I get fever more than once a year. It was not a good feeling. I dont want to be there again.So therefore i have to take a deep breath and re-evaluate my feelings. Relax.

Secondly, i am brokenhearted. That's all.

On the bright side, it might be a reminder from Allah that comes with His blessing or kafarrah to wash away impurity (or sins).. Alhamdulillah 'aala kulli hal

Identified: Stress

So far this must be the busiest term for me. I feel like everything is shoved inside my throat. So many things to do. Just when you think you can inhale a bit, works are mountain high again. Sampai mimpi pun mimpi dikejar- kejar. Vampire pula tu yang mengejar. Funny but at the same time ngeri! I remembered shutting my eyes tightly while watching Dracula Untold. I was writhing in my seat. Bukan sebab perasaan seram but because the movie made you feel that no matter how far you run, or where you hide, i am going to find you and break your skull. Violence and insecure. The same feeling i had when i watched a sci-fi movie man vs robots. (forgot the title). Horrible feeling it was. I have problems relating to historical based story and sci fi where life so much depended on machine. Probably because both are devoid of stability and security.

Last night, i was teary the whole day. I cried and cried and cried. I started to wonder why i was teary and depressed.After isyak, i realised that i was stressed out because of all the workloads. Right after i came in after 2-weeks kursus in Penang. So many things that goes out of hands this week and me out of frustration and anger, decide to take it all in!Lesson:  never decide when you are angry!

The whole week starting Monday is the special needs course. Tuesday i am presenting paper. And i planned to spend the rest of November finishing quality related works. Seriously, who am i kidding?!

And dare i ask myself, why i am cranky?

Jagalah Diri

-Am listenig to a song by Jaclyn Victor "Jagalah diri".  i  always  love with this song. Maybe because it is a song from a person to the Almighty. penuh pengharapan, puitis dan menyentuh hati yang paling dalam.


-  Do you realise that  the reason we love certain things is because it reminds us of something?A symbolic? 

- i think Edry Abdul Halim is supertalented. i wonder why nobody ever let him win any AJL's award or AIM  etc. Powerful words there. Pray for Edry. Thank you Edry.

A Reflection: We were eating and discussing  human nature in the office pantry today, when a kakak referred to recent incident threw a question: Mengapa orang yang attitude tak bagus, menyusahkan orang, tak buat kerja selalu dapat apa yang dia nak, sedangkan orang yang baik-baik, tak menyusahkan, dan suka menolong tu selalu tak dapat apa yang dia nak? kalau dapat pun pelbagai halangan yang kena dilalui?


Here's what the ustaz said:


وَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَاللهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ
“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahui.” (Al-Baqarah: 216)


And it is good enough an answer for me. Indeed, a perfect answer.

Of downhearted

I dont know how to write about negative feeling. i cant make it sound right.

I was quite downhearted these past few months because I didn't get the promotion. After years of spending my life building a career, it was quite a disappointment to not get it. I think anyone in my shoes would feel the same. I am not the type who play around during work. I give full focus. I did everything that was required of me. Not only because it was my duty, but working is a passion. I love what i do. when i didn't get it, it took some times for me to come back to life. With renewed conviction to be even better. i don't want anybody to sympathise. I knew my potential. at least i understand that it wasn't caused by my lack of competency for the works that i do. Rather, it was because, i think, of human evaluation. Human evaluation is rather relative. what looks good in your eyes, might not even reach other people' s standard. So, i move on with a little reservation in my heart. 

But then again, as a Muslim we believe that nothing in this world is relative. Allah knows best. We plan, and His planning is bigger than human's planning. Wisdom learned. Perhaps it was Allah's way of keeping us grounded. Kita rasa kita kerja habis baik sudah tapi mungkin belum deserving of promotion. Kasi kemas sikit lagi. Tiada yang terjadi sia-sia. That thought comforted me.

However, i thanked everyone unwavering support and words of encouragement. Something that i didn't particularly know how to express or accept. something to learn: being expressive. Humanity is what keeps you sane.

I will try again. But for now i am going to be sad for a while. :) 

Another solemn moment

A Malaysia Airliner had been shot down in the north Russian-Ukraine Border. At first it was just a news. Never knew that it would be a tragedy that would robbed you of someone close. A friend heading back to Kuala Lumpur from Amsterdam was on board, with his baby boy.  How fragile life is. How temporary. How unexpected.

"Everyone shall taste death" that is a promise.

It was just beyond description. the sadness. The outpouring of emotion was overwhelming. I feel vulnerable. But even more so the victim's family.  At times like this you realise that life is too precious to take it for granted. That there are much bigger issues than the little things that we give too much importance sometime.

Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikul.

But as people of faith, people who believe in Allah's decree, we have to be redha. To understand that life is but a temporary shelter before we move on to the real destination.

"Bersedih tu biasa, tapi tak perlulah memanjang-manjangkan kesedihan".  We are emotional, however we have to learn to come to term with sadness and lost, and trust that patience in time of trouble is reward in itself.

Hurmm..