I finally...

I finally found  my Vietnamese Poet-her name is Nguyen Bao Chan. Though i couldn't locate her "My Love is like the first ray of light" English poem anywhere in the net. a little bit disappointed but i felt thrilled.

I finally get rid of my uncomfortable feeling with this someone whom i have been taking months to get used to his presence. can talk to him freely now, can laugh out loud, can joke and...can even stand it if he sit or stand near me. Wow, things that can happen without other people's intervention. Well it took one year and a half and three dates later. Maybe not dates, just breakfasts and dinner.  My goodness.that's a long time. By now, i think i have a HUGE crush on him. 

I finally got transferred to PKK. Alhamdulillah. Of course, there is a little reservation but i guess it's natural. I didn't make it public because i like the privacy. I could kill anyone who try to congratulate me on any of my social network. I didn't tell too many people because there's no need and there's no people. Just a few close friends.

I wouldn't say that things would only be happier there. Happy is a state of mind, and it's not the place.Funny i already have lists of people that i would preferably want to be as far from me as possible. i dont want to be caught up in drama. again.

I have The Talk with my so called mentor. she mentioned all my good qualities. i am glad she did mention that. But i would really love it if she tell me when i was really in need of encouragement. No one bother to say anything nice at that time. *shrugged. i guess i understand why and i am not angry.  I pun sudah berlapang dada dengan semua yang terjadi. I dont want to hate people for eternity. 

There is this one person i should settle some scores with. But i feel  that some things are better left unsaid. So when he said, he wanted to meet i said ok, I'll be in my office. Because I don't want to keep people in the dark anymore. I just want him to know and be comfortable being my friend and meeting my other friends. But he refused wanting to meet me personally. At last, i said Ok only to get an angry response- all the time pointing the problem is my ego. You know what, even if like you and some feelings for you remained, i just don't want to fight anymore. If you say no meeting, then no meeting. I did send him a text when i was halfway home, to say sorry and hope the best for him. He replied a curt : keep in touch. I said to myself - well, distance is good. Distance it will be.  

Alhamdulillah.. i remembered crying in the speedboat from Kapit last two semesters when i checked and i didn't get the transfer. I feel that it could not possibly happen. Thinking that i could not go on feeling wretched everyday. i remembered crying my heart out almost every night for the feeling that i can't share with people. The reason i didn't share was because i don't want people to take side or to say twisted words that are not from my mouth. All i could think about was surviving, defending, keeping my silence, keeping my wall .