Keberanian

Today i cried. I cried. I CRIED. You know why i cried, coz i felt weak and helpless. 

"It lies not in our power to love or hate
For will in us is over-rul'd by fate
When two are stripped long ere the course begin,
We wish that one should lose,
The other win." -Christopher Marlowe, Hero and Leander.

Of losing

People think that the most important thing is to have what you want. What an overstatement. Because when you lost something you valued the most, that's when you understand the true meaning of losing. And the feeling is nowhere similar to the feeling of not getting something you want.

2015 is indeed the year which I lost the most part of myself. I lost my grandmother due to terminal illness. Besides my mother, my grandmother was my other mother. I spent a good part of my childhood with her, sharing her beliefs and values. Learning how to be a better person, learning to be a compassionate human being. If one said that a mother's love is abundant, just imagine if you have two mothers to spoil and love you. It was the best kind of love. 

When she was gone, for a few days and even at this moment, her things in my room are intact. At first, I couldn't look at her things without crying. Let alone rummaged it. I couldn't go to her grave without shedding buckets of tear. I couldn't even watch movies she liked and not think about what she would say about it. The topic of conversation would always drift back to her. I spent nights dreaming of her just to catch glimpses of her in my sleep. I did, but dream is a dream, it slipped through your fingers like water. Days when I would think about the way she walked and talked and joked. Just the way she was. Again, memories can't be pinned down. She was gone for good. I remembered being furious and feeling offended at her funeral because some well-meant comments from the relatives, that it was better for her to have passed, considering her illness. NOBODY has the rights to say something so insensitive as that. No matter what was the intention, I rather if she just kept her mouth shut. I couldn't accept it that, who don't know her well, or knew her the least started speaking about her as if they cared! 

On the other hand, I feel that I hadn't done enough for her. My only consolation was the thought that Allah has granted me one year and a half to be with her before she passed. I feel terribly guilty. 

After she passed, I feel void. My feeling is empty or numb for a while. I don't know. I remembered feeling a vast loneliness inside me. 

The truth is, I am terrified of losing more people; that everyone that I love is going to leave and there is nothing I could do to stop the inevitable. I was terrified. For months, I felt hopeless and terrified. 

But death is inevitable. Sooner or later, everyone is going to leave for good. So the best we can do is to appreciate their existence before it's too late to do so. 

Demam

Fever and flu. Everything is aching. Bak kata ustaz in my office, sama-samalah kita menikmati musim. So true, with the weather having a mood swing - hot and cold and rain and wind, it is only a matter of time before you catch the bugs. My boss said the weather is just the trigger, in actuality you might not be as fit as you think you are. True as well.

I say it is my negative vibes eating me up. I do a lot of things these lately that made me irritable and easily angered. I am angry, think too much, agree to so many things that i could've say no. In short, i have this storage of build up unreleased emotions that are waiting to get out. When it stays inside, i got sick. Negative! I have experienced the worst time in my life as a result of being too negative. I get fever more than once a year. It was not a good feeling. I dont want to be there again.So therefore i have to take a deep breath and re-evaluate my feelings. Relax.

Secondly, i am brokenhearted. That's all.

On the bright side, it might be a reminder from Allah that comes with His blessing or kafarrah to wash away impurity (or sins).. Alhamdulillah 'aala kulli hal

Identified: Stress

So far this must be the busiest term for me. I feel like everything is shoved inside my throat. So many things to do. Just when you think you can inhale a bit, works are mountain high again. Sampai mimpi pun mimpi dikejar- kejar. Vampire pula tu yang mengejar. Funny but at the same time ngeri! I remembered shutting my eyes tightly while watching Dracula Untold. I was writhing in my seat. Bukan sebab perasaan seram but because the movie made you feel that no matter how far you run, or where you hide, i am going to find you and break your skull. Violence and insecure. The same feeling i had when i watched a sci-fi movie man vs robots. (forgot the title). Horrible feeling it was. I have problems relating to historical based story and sci fi where life so much depended on machine. Probably because both are devoid of stability and security.

Last night, i was teary the whole day. I cried and cried and cried. I started to wonder why i was teary and depressed.After isyak, i realised that i was stressed out because of all the workloads. Right after i came in after 2-weeks kursus in Penang. So many things that goes out of hands this week and me out of frustration and anger, decide to take it all in!Lesson:  never decide when you are angry!

The whole week starting Monday is the special needs course. Tuesday i am presenting paper. And i planned to spend the rest of November finishing quality related works. Seriously, who am i kidding?!

And dare i ask myself, why i am cranky?

Jagalah Diri

-Am listenig to a song by Jaclyn Victor "Jagalah diri".  i  always  love with this song. Maybe because it is a song from a person to the Almighty. penuh pengharapan, puitis dan menyentuh hati yang paling dalam.


-  Do you realise that  the reason we love certain things is because it reminds us of something?A symbolic? 

- i think Edry Abdul Halim is supertalented. i wonder why nobody ever let him win any AJL's award or AIM  etc. Powerful words there. Pray for Edry. Thank you Edry.

A Reflection: We were eating and discussing  human nature in the office pantry today, when a kakak referred to recent incident threw a question: Mengapa orang yang attitude tak bagus, menyusahkan orang, tak buat kerja selalu dapat apa yang dia nak, sedangkan orang yang baik-baik, tak menyusahkan, dan suka menolong tu selalu tak dapat apa yang dia nak? kalau dapat pun pelbagai halangan yang kena dilalui?


Here's what the ustaz said:


وَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَاللهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ
“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahui.” (Al-Baqarah: 216)


And it is good enough an answer for me. Indeed, a perfect answer.

Of downhearted

I dont know how to write about negative feeling. i cant make it sound right.

I was quite downhearted these past few months because I didn't get the promotion. After years of spending my life building a career, it was quite a disappointment to not get it. I think anyone in my shoes would feel the same. I am not the type who play around during work. I give full focus. I did everything that was required of me. Not only because it was my duty, but working is a passion. I love what i do. when i didn't get it, it took some times for me to come back to life. With renewed conviction to be even better. i don't want anybody to sympathise. I knew my potential. at least i understand that it wasn't caused by my lack of competency for the works that i do. Rather, it was because, i think, of human evaluation. Human evaluation is rather relative. what looks good in your eyes, might not even reach other people' s standard. So, i move on with a little reservation in my heart. 

But then again, as a Muslim we believe that nothing in this world is relative. Allah knows best. We plan, and His planning is bigger than human's planning. Wisdom learned. Perhaps it was Allah's way of keeping us grounded. Kita rasa kita kerja habis baik sudah tapi mungkin belum deserving of promotion. Kasi kemas sikit lagi. Tiada yang terjadi sia-sia. That thought comforted me.

However, i thanked everyone unwavering support and words of encouragement. Something that i didn't particularly know how to express or accept. something to learn: being expressive. Humanity is what keeps you sane.

I will try again. But for now i am going to be sad for a while. :) 

Another solemn moment

A Malaysia Airliner had been shot down in the north Russian-Ukraine Border. At first it was just a news. Never knew that it would be a tragedy that would robbed you of someone close. A friend heading back to Kuala Lumpur from Amsterdam was on board, with his baby boy.  How fragile life is. How temporary. How unexpected.

"Everyone shall taste death" that is a promise.

It was just beyond description. the sadness. The outpouring of emotion was overwhelming. I feel vulnerable. But even more so the victim's family.  At times like this you realise that life is too precious to take it for granted. That there are much bigger issues than the little things that we give too much importance sometime.

Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikul.

But as people of faith, people who believe in Allah's decree, we have to be redha. To understand that life is but a temporary shelter before we move on to the real destination.

"Bersedih tu biasa, tapi tak perlulah memanjang-manjangkan kesedihan".  We are emotional, however we have to learn to come to term with sadness and lost, and trust that patience in time of trouble is reward in itself.

Hurmm..

In the spirit of Teacher's Day

Happy Teacher's Day!!

It is now my fifth years in service. The year where you could at least claimed to have sufficient knowledege of the way around of the teaching world. The year where you would have actually meet 95% of all the "dinosour". (Quote: different park, different dinosour)

Every year since my teaching career started, i would come up with a saying or a quote or a reflection of my teaching journey. This is not to push / force people who read it to singing praises to teachers, rather it is a motivation to myself to evaluate my "teacher-ness". However, this year i failed to come up with any. As my Whatsapp and Facebook wall started to get flooded by all those well wishes and lovely speech, i became more withdrawn. a question popped in my head, am i worthy of all the praises and good thought people have of me? That i couldn't answer. i felt like i didn't own all the greatness people readily sang out loud. i couldn't come up with any. I can only say, thank you to let these people know that i appreciate being appreciated.

I was doing a report on T&L observation in class for my superior. So i started counting marks. so was my train of thought, they started to build up. i have one very simple question.

What makes one a good teacher?

Is it a matter of instructional alone with no room to bend the structure?Pure theoretical?

Is there really no room for humanity and human weakness or human error?

Is it a matter of ethical consideration only, again with no room for humanity?

Do you implement what work, or you go ahead with what seems to suit the system? (Not your students)

And so therefore, i couldn't claim that teacher's day is a day for me to celebrate. Because somewhere along the line it  would always come back to what is prescribed to be right by the system / the traditional values of teaching. I dont know but looking at the T&L evaluation, all the flying colors and my mark is nowhere near "flying". hahaha

i couldn't claim my rights as a teacher on the basis that i didn't performed well according to the marks given.

At one point, i was embarrased by all the well wishes.

And to this point, i still have the question lingering : Am i a good teacher?

How "good" is "good" anyway?

Vulnerable

it's been a long time. i simply dont have the time to build up my thought. too busy.probably.

i have this vulnerable feeling. i fear something that i dont know. something that is beyond control.
i fear for the future that might not show its face at all. i fear that everyone i love is going to be gone in a blink of an eye, and i cant hold their hand strong enough. i fear that i am living an empty life and when it comes to the day of judgment, nothing of what i have done in this world would matter a bit. i am fearful, and i dont know..my feeling is so vast that sometimes i felt overwhelmed by it. maybe it was too much thinking. Maybe it was coming of age. As if all the sunny, warm, breezy days are gone. .. What is this feeling? Depression? or Delusion?

The 3.0 post

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah

Thank you Allah for all the blessings up to now. For still giving me  life and the opportunity to contribute to the betterment of world in general. I couldn't have write it simpler. At 30, you learned that you can never be as simple minded as it was before. I am not my 20 year old self anymore. My perspective is different. My feeling is different. What i believe in also has changed. and hopefully for the better.  Alhamdulillah Ya Allah. Experience has made me tougher, yet softer at the same time. Wisdom do has an edge with it. Indeed, age is more than just a number. Age is everything that is you. Unless, you didnt learn anything at all in these 30 year of time.

 A woman at 30,
 learned to accept compliment with an open heart,
 A woman at 30,
 learned to accept criticism with open mind,
 A woman at 30,
 learned to accept rejection with wisdom.
 A woman at 30,
 learned to accept acceptance with appreciation.
 A woman at 30,
 learned to smile through the pain.
 A woman at 30,
 learned to do things with confidence.
 A woman at 30,
 learned to deal with weaknesses with patience
A woman at 30,
learned that life is too short
and bad times past,
and beauty is more than just a pretty face
and that age is more than just a number.
A woman at 30 Is.

Happy Birthday to myself. Today i do feel teary.

Tanya sama hati

Alhamdulillah. Kejutan Allah memang sangat sweet dan tak dapat dijangka. But then, betul lah kan. Nama pun kejutan. Mana ada kejutan yang dapat dijangka.

Hari itu, menonton satu program di TV. ada satu couple. Yang si isteri tu dulunya ada cerita kontroversi sebelum berkahwin dengan si husband. Bila lihat mereka di TV, diam-diam hati terdetik: memang ada hikmahnya. Ada hikmahnya perhubungan yang terputus atau perkahwinan yang terjadi. Hikmah itu selalu untuk yang terbaik dan tak ada yang berlaku sia-sia.

Hari semalam, seperti selalu, browsing my social network. Satu kejutan tak disangka. Dua pasang lecturer zaman uni  tahun 2007. pasangan ini diberitakan bercerai. Ingat lagi masa tu semua orang hampa. well, people like fairy tale kinds of love story. No room for imperfection. Still mereka berpisah juga. No further news on that.  Fairy tale crushed. Semalam, seorang lecturer zaman uni announced or made public their photo. They are husband and wife again. Surprise!!! after all these years. Alhamdulillah.

It did what to me: bertambah yakin bahawa Allah lebih mengetahui akan segala sesuatu yang terbaik untuk hamba-Nya. Bahawa jodoh telah tertulis dan tiada satu pun yang dapat menghalang sekiranya ia sudah tertulis. TIADA. yang pastinya, tak ada sesuatu pun yang berlaku sia-sia. 

Sekiranya, selama ini ada yang belum kamu peroleh walaupun telah berusaha sekuat mungkin, tanyalah sama hati: apa yang kamu betul-betul perlukan saat itu? There  must be something in your heart or yourself that pull it to you...or drive it away. Kerana mungkin apa yang kamu mahu dan tak dapat itu, mungkin kamu tak perlukan.

Yang pasti: Jodoh ajal maut rezeki adalah dengan keizinan Allah jua. Berusahalah dan Berdoalah. dan perbaiki niat. Insya Allah. Tak ada yang berlaku sia-sia tanpa tujuan.

Insyaallah.

Why, What and Where i write?

#30 day Blog Challenge

Finally i get up to doing this. By nature, i am a quite reserved person. i dont really say what i feel, sometimes my mind is clamouring with things but still couldn't put it into word. When i like something, i keep it to myself. When i am angry, i keep it to myself. When i am sad, i throw words here and there but not the entire feeling. sometimes, it is bottled up for a very long time, and never really get out.

Why i write?
It is a kind of escapism. to write and let it out unhindered. it is more beautiful that way, i guess. i write because i love the mechanic of writing. the expressions are more sensible. the feeling is more pronounced. and because i love the privacy of writing. i love the quiet atmosphere you build up with your own mind. The way when you write, you build up the thought. i love the trains of thought. sometimes, something is so beautiful that it is even more beautiful when you write it down. Like a song.

What i write?
Everything that is available at the time of writing. At first i am writing as a form of reflection. for me to go back to when i feel down and in needs of reassurance. Or when i am so tired, i need a medium of release. that is when my blog comes in handy. as a storage of my feelings and thought.i seldom write of bad memories. i justify myself when i write. something that is impossible for me to do with human. i write of good feelings, mostly and sadness. i write about strong emotion: mostly sad and melancholic things.

Where?
My blogs. i am so insecure and not confident that i feel exposed if i write  and someone read my writing. Terribly exposed. i dont just let anyone read them. because it is private and personal.  the time i let someone read it, well that must be a person im comfortable with. someone i could trust.

done with the first topic. Challenge is on!

The most tiring week

What a tiring week!

I have been going back and forth RNU-KK-RNU this week. My mother is ill. The only right thing to do is to be by her side. To help out where necessary. Thus my going back and forth. Alhamdulillah she is getting better, though still need assistance to the toilet. Alhamdulillah ya Allah.

I come back to work on Friday with tonss of pending tasks and unfinished business. 

Hmm. I feel that this 2 week time is a down time for everyone. I wish that i could make everyone that matters to me happy. Because whenever these people feel down, i am affected by that. I couldnt help myself but feel it too. 

I pray that i could contribute towards betterment. I pray that Allah guides me to do what's right, always. InsyaAllah

Of moving

Another colleague is leaving and sad about it. I dont understand. Getting transfer should be a happy occasion; given the fact that she always talk about getting transfer, about moving to some place else.  yes, it is sad to leave the place you've known like the back of your hand. It is sad to leave the people. It is a little awkward to start anew from zero with other people in another place. But should be a happy thing to be able to be close to your family.

When i got transferred, i was happy and sad at the same time. I was sad to leave my circle of friends, which i've gotten to like very much.  But i was excited thinking about home. Excited that finally i got what i've always wanted. I am happy. Though i cried the entire day on the way home. Simply because i purposedly avoid meeting my good friend and send him a text instead. I decided that lebih baik saya tak jumpa dia. So when i texted him saying i'm on the way, sorry blabla..when he replied my text i knew it was the right decision to not go see him before i leave. My brother who was driving got fed up at me for crying so much.   THAT's how bad i cried. But i'm coming back for his wedding :)

i cried when i went to see everyone in admin. when all the kakaks there hugged me, i cried like hell. When i went to HEP, again i cried. It was sad. but it's the right thing to do at that time.It was time to move on. I would certainly miss people. Terribly . 

I remembered when one of my colleagues asked me-cynically- that me asking for transfer is just "cuba-cuba". I didn't like the tone but i love people like this - it was a sign to be curt and matter of fact. 

When i moved out, it was not to satisfy some people, it was more to protect my sanity and myself. I will always remember how i felt in this moment. They always said i should take one for the team and how hurtful was that . i think now the karma is paid and return accordingly. So ii is time to move on..:)

 Everything did happen for a reason.

Alhamdulillah

I dedicate this post to my superior.

She came to me and hugged me, pat me at the back and said thank you for coming in like a breath of fresh air. For helping to do things and running things. For not holding back. Wow, thank you for letting me know that, mam. A very simple word but for me it warmed my heart. Really appreciate it. Especially when you have been living in an environment where anybody rarely say anything nice or comforting.  Where you learn to give the compliment to yourself. Really really moved.i accepted the compliment. Thank you

Thank you Allah, for sending people who help me to mend everyday. Thank you for reminding me that i am on the right track. Thank you  Allah for giving me the opportunity to recover. Thank you ya Allah for the wisdom to understand. Thank you ya Allah for the blessings.

Alhamdulillah.

The "Sorry" Post

Felt a deep sense of sorry-ness. If there ever were any word such that.

Just something a friend told me when she was in my house. Something and someone that i took for granted. Me and my vain self. Me and my own problems. i cant see that he was always there for me. I am sorry, good friend. How i had taken you for granted for not understanding what you really are. I feel ashamed to always say that i am a good friend but i didn't understand you enough to give back the love you had for me. I am sorry. But what can i do now except pray that everything turn well for you? I pray harder for that.

It seems that i had been underestimating myself once too often. I didn't know my true power. i didn't realise my own potential. I let other people's opinions ruled my mind. And in the process of being indifference, i hurt other people. i was protecting myself. that was my only defense. huhu

Tired

Thanks to those who hated me, you made me a stronger person.
Thanks to those who loved me, you made my heart bigger.
Thanks to those who envied me, you made my self-esteem grow.
Thanks to those who cared, you made me feel important.
Thanks to those who worried, you let me know that you cared.
Thanks to those who left, you made me aware that nothing is forever.
Thanks to those who stayed, you showed me the meaning of true friendship.
Thanks to those who entered my life, you made me who i am today

You call it Life...

One month and a few days at my this place. still doing some adjustment. Sometimes i feel like i dont know what i am doing. Sometimes i feel as if  im living few years behind as people and processes are considerably slower here than any other place i have been. The only thing that moves pretty fast here is the time. Any clock or watch at any class or office will always be 15 minutes earlier than the real time.  It sets me every time into panic mood. i go to the office at 730 hour in the morning and when i reached the office it's already 750.Goodness! and the drive is less than 5 minutes! i feel like Alice in the wonderland. Always confused. Always trying to figure out which is which or what or how. 

I am always busy. as usual.  It occupies my over thinking mind. It helps me to focus. It helps me to stay grounded. it's like a reality that cut into my day dreamer's world.  Nice. I like it. Strangely, usually i like positive people. Though there is one person whom so called positiveness is acidic to the point of annoyance. what i think: She is trying to appear positive with encouragement, positive words and pats on the shoulder. But at the end of the day, somewhat you realised that she is actually not positive. i still dont know what is the adjective to describe her. When i do find the adjective, i'll blog about the "word". ;)

I dont understand myself. i feel deeply troubled. i feel like someone is taking advantage of my feeling, to her own benefit. I can accept frankness, but i cant possibly accept someone who do it the underhand way. Senang ceritalah. Saya tak suka perasaan dikhianati. Saya tak suka orang berpura-pura Saya tak suka orang gunakan saya sebagai batu loncatan untuk mencapai apa yang dia mahu. Simply dont like it. Contohnya: Dia ni suka seseorang in my circle tapi sebab dia tahu saya berkawan dengan orang itu - and in order to get closer to that person - dia ni pun berkawan lah juga dengan saya. Normally she wont even bother. Ataupun, dia ni tau saya suka seseorang ini, dia pun menggeletis juga lebih sudu dari kuah approach that guy. Siapa yang suka siapa ni?I immediately turn off my feeling for this guy because of that.  Hey lady, don't abuse my friendship eh!

 I left from my Mukah group today. Simply because i feel i don't belong anymore. I felt disconnected when they talked about things i didn't know.  Maybe i should reconsider my plan of attending my good friend's wedding in Mukah this December? i should just cancel my plan. i should. Entah apa pa ntah me. 

Sempena Ramadhan yang ke 13 ini, mudah-mudahan keberkatan Allah sentiasa melimpahi, semoga diberikan oleh Allah petunjuk dan hidayah untuk memahami yang tersurat dan tersirat, Semoga Allah mengampunkan dosa-dosa yang telah lalu mahupun yang akan datang, 

Things

KK is so hot!

The good thing is i go home every weekend and come back to work fresh after getting energized at home.
Infact there are many actually. Learning many new things again as i move along.
New responsibilities at hand
Some are very new.others are things i used to do. I can relearn and unlearn.
Classes are several blocks away.Thank god i used to walk all the way to the library. Now i have no problem walking down two blocks away from office.
I only have good and positive things in my mind. I try to block off things that are considered useless eg. an ex-co worker of mine called from far away just to complain about problems with other people or rather to bring other people down with her. Something that i m not interested to entertain.  Defense mechanism. Herding - call it whatever. Or things such as the underlying politics of the new office. Not interested. What i  interested in is work, work and work. Nothing else.

I'm in the state of totally missing somebody. i see and hear him everywhere.   How in the whole world can i tell him how i feel? For the first time, i don't know how to tell him that. I don't know how to show that i care. I don't what to make of my feeling. I just don't know. The only thing that come to mind when i think of him is how much i feel loved. Di sayang. The things that he did warmth my heart to the very soul. The support, the friendship..Ahhh not to mention the cakes. I am going to confess now and only now: 

I like you so much.   

International You Day

I'm sorry that it took so long to write this song
But I gave up
You see, one million words can't describe how it feels
To know your love

Where did I go wrong?
I should have told you from the start
That I'm closer than you think when we're apart
Nothing that I've tried is as simple as this line

But without you, my life is incomplete
My days are absolutely grey
And so I try, let your heart know for sure
That I have so much more to tell you every single day

I swear, I'm giving up my inside to the one
That I adore
I know this world is big enough for you and I
But I'll give you more

I'm coming home today to wipe the tear drop from your eyes
I'm totally enamoured by your life
Nothing that I've done has ever been for one

But without you, my life is incomplete
My days are absolutely grey
And so I try, let your heart know for sure
That I have so much more to tell you every single day

My life is incomplete
My rights are absolutely wrong
So wake me up, before you leave today
Something I need to say, 'cause there'll be nothing when you're gone