Tired

Thanks to those who hated me, you made me a stronger person.
Thanks to those who loved me, you made my heart bigger.
Thanks to those who envied me, you made my self-esteem grow.
Thanks to those who cared, you made me feel important.
Thanks to those who worried, you let me know that you cared.
Thanks to those who left, you made me aware that nothing is forever.
Thanks to those who stayed, you showed me the meaning of true friendship.
Thanks to those who entered my life, you made me who i am today

You call it Life...

One month and a few days at my this place. still doing some adjustment. Sometimes i feel like i dont know what i am doing. Sometimes i feel as if  im living few years behind as people and processes are considerably slower here than any other place i have been. The only thing that moves pretty fast here is the time. Any clock or watch at any class or office will always be 15 minutes earlier than the real time.  It sets me every time into panic mood. i go to the office at 730 hour in the morning and when i reached the office it's already 750.Goodness! and the drive is less than 5 minutes! i feel like Alice in the wonderland. Always confused. Always trying to figure out which is which or what or how. 

I am always busy. as usual.  It occupies my over thinking mind. It helps me to focus. It helps me to stay grounded. it's like a reality that cut into my day dreamer's world.  Nice. I like it. Strangely, usually i like positive people. Though there is one person whom so called positiveness is acidic to the point of annoyance. what i think: She is trying to appear positive with encouragement, positive words and pats on the shoulder. But at the end of the day, somewhat you realised that she is actually not positive. i still dont know what is the adjective to describe her. When i do find the adjective, i'll blog about the "word". ;)

I dont understand myself. i feel deeply troubled. i feel like someone is taking advantage of my feeling, to her own benefit. I can accept frankness, but i cant possibly accept someone who do it the underhand way. Senang ceritalah. Saya tak suka perasaan dikhianati. Saya tak suka orang berpura-pura Saya tak suka orang gunakan saya sebagai batu loncatan untuk mencapai apa yang dia mahu. Simply dont like it. Contohnya: Dia ni suka seseorang in my circle tapi sebab dia tahu saya berkawan dengan orang itu - and in order to get closer to that person - dia ni pun berkawan lah juga dengan saya. Normally she wont even bother. Ataupun, dia ni tau saya suka seseorang ini, dia pun menggeletis juga lebih sudu dari kuah approach that guy. Siapa yang suka siapa ni?I immediately turn off my feeling for this guy because of that.  Hey lady, don't abuse my friendship eh!

 I left from my Mukah group today. Simply because i feel i don't belong anymore. I felt disconnected when they talked about things i didn't know.  Maybe i should reconsider my plan of attending my good friend's wedding in Mukah this December? i should just cancel my plan. i should. Entah apa pa ntah me. 

Sempena Ramadhan yang ke 13 ini, mudah-mudahan keberkatan Allah sentiasa melimpahi, semoga diberikan oleh Allah petunjuk dan hidayah untuk memahami yang tersurat dan tersirat, Semoga Allah mengampunkan dosa-dosa yang telah lalu mahupun yang akan datang, 

Things

KK is so hot!

The good thing is i go home every weekend and come back to work fresh after getting energized at home.
Infact there are many actually. Learning many new things again as i move along.
New responsibilities at hand
Some are very new.others are things i used to do. I can relearn and unlearn.
Classes are several blocks away.Thank god i used to walk all the way to the library. Now i have no problem walking down two blocks away from office.
I only have good and positive things in my mind. I try to block off things that are considered useless eg. an ex-co worker of mine called from far away just to complain about problems with other people or rather to bring other people down with her. Something that i m not interested to entertain.  Defense mechanism. Herding - call it whatever. Or things such as the underlying politics of the new office. Not interested. What i  interested in is work, work and work. Nothing else.

I'm in the state of totally missing somebody. i see and hear him everywhere.   How in the whole world can i tell him how i feel? For the first time, i don't know how to tell him that. I don't know how to show that i care. I don't what to make of my feeling. I just don't know. The only thing that come to mind when i think of him is how much i feel loved. Di sayang. The things that he did warmth my heart to the very soul. The support, the friendship..Ahhh not to mention the cakes. I am going to confess now and only now: 

I like you so much.   

International You Day

I'm sorry that it took so long to write this song
But I gave up
You see, one million words can't describe how it feels
To know your love

Where did I go wrong?
I should have told you from the start
That I'm closer than you think when we're apart
Nothing that I've tried is as simple as this line

But without you, my life is incomplete
My days are absolutely grey
And so I try, let your heart know for sure
That I have so much more to tell you every single day

I swear, I'm giving up my inside to the one
That I adore
I know this world is big enough for you and I
But I'll give you more

I'm coming home today to wipe the tear drop from your eyes
I'm totally enamoured by your life
Nothing that I've done has ever been for one

But without you, my life is incomplete
My days are absolutely grey
And so I try, let your heart know for sure
That I have so much more to tell you every single day

My life is incomplete
My rights are absolutely wrong
So wake me up, before you leave today
Something I need to say, 'cause there'll be nothing when you're gone

Farewell

i would be lying if i said these pictures wont make me cry later in the future.  I am thankful that i spent the remaining time in Mukah with wonderful people which has helped to make the burden of heart be loosened up a bit. I guess thank you would be an understatement. May Allah bless you guys..  (i would've cry if i hadn't gotten used to the idea of moving)

So, my time in Sarawak is done. I'm going on a new adventure in the Land Below the Wind.  I dont know if i'll ever be here again.

I finally...

I finally found  my Vietnamese Poet-her name is Nguyen Bao Chan. Though i couldn't locate her "My Love is like the first ray of light" English poem anywhere in the net. a little bit disappointed but i felt thrilled.

I finally get rid of my uncomfortable feeling with this someone whom i have been taking months to get used to his presence. can talk to him freely now, can laugh out loud, can joke and...can even stand it if he sit or stand near me. Wow, things that can happen without other people's intervention. Well it took one year and a half and three dates later. Maybe not dates, just breakfasts and dinner.  My goodness.that's a long time. By now, i think i have a HUGE crush on him. 

I finally got transferred to PKK. Alhamdulillah. Of course, there is a little reservation but i guess it's natural. I didn't make it public because i like the privacy. I could kill anyone who try to congratulate me on any of my social network. I didn't tell too many people because there's no need and there's no people. Just a few close friends.

I wouldn't say that things would only be happier there. Happy is a state of mind, and it's not the place.Funny i already have lists of people that i would preferably want to be as far from me as possible. i dont want to be caught up in drama. again.

I have The Talk with my so called mentor. she mentioned all my good qualities. i am glad she did mention that. But i would really love it if she tell me when i was really in need of encouragement. No one bother to say anything nice at that time. *shrugged. i guess i understand why and i am not angry.  I pun sudah berlapang dada dengan semua yang terjadi. I dont want to hate people for eternity. 

There is this one person i should settle some scores with. But i feel  that some things are better left unsaid. So when he said, he wanted to meet i said ok, I'll be in my office. Because I don't want to keep people in the dark anymore. I just want him to know and be comfortable being my friend and meeting my other friends. But he refused wanting to meet me personally. At last, i said Ok only to get an angry response- all the time pointing the problem is my ego. You know what, even if like you and some feelings for you remained, i just don't want to fight anymore. If you say no meeting, then no meeting. I did send him a text when i was halfway home, to say sorry and hope the best for him. He replied a curt : keep in touch. I said to myself - well, distance is good. Distance it will be.  

Alhamdulillah.. i remembered crying in the speedboat from Kapit last two semesters when i checked and i didn't get the transfer. I feel that it could not possibly happen. Thinking that i could not go on feeling wretched everyday. i remembered crying my heart out almost every night for the feeling that i can't share with people. The reason i didn't share was because i don't want people to take side or to say twisted words that are not from my mouth. All i could think about was surviving, defending, keeping my silence, keeping my wall . 

Rasa Hati

Just feel like ranting or writing. whatever the term is.

Rasa sangat lama tak menulis isi hati. Dan bila menulis tu, it means that i have something in my complicated mind that i dont know how tell to anyone. Bukan semua orang pun yang mendengar dan faham. Mereka ada problems sendiri.

2 minggu kebelakangan ini perasaan saya adalah seperti sampah yang disapu orang. Meaning: Sampah tak ada pilihan untuk stay ditempat ia berada. So bila orang sapu, ia akan ikut saja. No choice. I feel like i have no choice.i keep on moving. Fizikalnya bergerak tapi soulnya terhenti di tempat yang sama. Suffocating. Suddenly, many things happened and i dont know how to react / respond. Saya membahayakan diri. Hasilnya, tiga dates yang tak  menjadi, yang mana saya dah rosakkannya dengan rasa tak bersedia itu. Macam lembu yang dicucuk hidung, ikut tapi tak faham kenapa harus ikut. See, my mind is somewhere else. Saya cuba nyatakan perasaan saya berkecamuk, persekitaran saya tak faham tentang kesedihan itu. Mereka mahu saya move on sepantas kilat. Tak memikirkan hati saya terluka. then, saya jadi marah. Marah dengan rasa terpaksa. I am not rash and spontaneous. I like it cool.

Dan saya rasa peluang saya sudah terkubur disana. Biarlah masa sahaja yang menentukan jodoh tu. Saya rasa buat masa ini, saya masih memerlukan ruang. Let it happens naturally. Bila terlalu banyak sangat " bantuan orang lain" di dalamnya, it automatically turns me off.

 Jadi apa yang saya harus buat?Minta maaf kerana saya sedang bersedih? i know it will take times. I will give that time to myself.