The art of silence

im in a state of terribly missing someone.

Terribly missing this person but i just don't know what to say to get the conversation going.
I'm afraid that what i say wouldn't come out right. i suddenly feel shy when it comes to this person. Dead end. I'll have to start speaking to him or i'll lose him.

i miss talking to him. i miss being friend with him.

How to break the ice?

argh, the agony!

The new scheme

there are lots of hypes and hues about the scheme. Before i went off for the first time, i had been reading about the conditions. truthfully, i have no problem with the scheme.

Firstly, since i was in school, the talks about having to compete to get a job were ongoing. The business of getting on in this world has long been an impersonal one. So this scheme-where everything would be based on evaluation, performance and competence are actually an obsolete concept, which is adopted into the service by the authority. In my opinion, people who had gone through SPM Terbuka, Merit and such should understand the nature of this new scheme. You have to be the best in order to stay relevance. In short, in other word, we could call this a globalisation of an organisation on root base. This would help transform the way the human capital works, i guess. the scheme is a rebranding of some sort.

Secondly, i disagree with the opinion that the only good thing in the scheme is the salary part. There are many.But again, that will depends on individuals' perspective. If in the first place your target is to get a secure job with lots of fringe benefits and money, then there you go. You don't need to blame the scheme for trying to get you to actually do your works.

Thirdly, when i first read the scheme a few weeks back, the first thing that come to my mind: well now many people would be a great actor because they would need good review from several people for their LNPT. Human nature is easy to predict. Some would scoff, some would praise and some would be the source of destruction. So, your LNPT would get compromise a lot more than is necessary. Now that's not a healthy way of thinking. Again: if you have integrity, you will have nothing to lose. Nothing at all. again, this is what i like about the scheme. It builds on team work and human a.k.a professional relationship.

there are just so many donts, wonts, and couldnts and the scheme havent started yet. We are so used to the older laid back scheme that we want to live in it forever. Well then, this must be a good reason why it is invented in the first place-to wake up the sleeping fat snake. Snake being the operative to point out how stagnant we have become.

Positive and challenging. Unless, all these while, you have not been doing what you are supposed to do.

Shopping!!!!!

Shop along!

i did a few shopping. Although, not many but costly.

Firstly, i bought a watch. a darker shade of orange. Initially, i pick a red coloured watch but because i found it complicated, so i bought the orange one. i am already in love with it.

secondly, i bought a much anticipated handbag. a more seriously grown up style. My sister helped me with the choosing part. A black one. normally, i would not buy a black coloured hand bag, but i like going out from my comfort zone. i like it.i can picture a notebook, my makeup bag(or maybe i could reduce that to just gloss/liner/powder later), phones, purse, and a pen. they would fit just nice.:D

Thirdly, perfume.This is the most exciting part for me. i love collecting perfume. just as much as i love buying shoes. Though i haven't buy any shoes yet. Im still considering whether i should buy one.hmm. the funny part is-it is very hard for me to find something that really attracts me. when it comes to shoes, i have to have an uninterrupted session so that i could choose. my shopping sessions were either accompanied by my brothers or mum. so i didnt have the time to check out all. So i didn't buy any for fear of regretting it later.

Im also still considering between a samsung or Nokia phone-which i think i should buy because my phone is already an age beaten up one..

I miss my car so much. i am thinking about it day in and out. How is she?Is she well taken care of?I hope.

One thing is very interesting to note: i shop mostly for my little brother: baby shampoo, baby bath, all the toys, the clothes, and perfumes. But i just couldnt help it. I got excited for no reasons.hehe.i love seeing him happy. i love the feeling of sharing what i have. Now, that prompted the question from my mum again: when are u going to marry? with no answer..

Nevertheless: please do the spending in moderation. It won't do to beg for money from other people. OR depending on the Card to survive the frenzy. Or to die of starving because of careless spending.

Not trying to show off what a lifestyle we have. Just to manipulate the functionality-in short:to fulfill the needs.

Thank you for the sensiblity, Az..:D

Sakit Jiwa

Mode:sakit hati dengan semua orang.

Benci lakonan-lakonan tahap grammy award ni.Sangat benci.

hari ini. Sakit hati kerana memikirkan kebodohan diri sendiri dan orang-orang yang tak tahu menghargai orang lain.

Benci.

Jangan pura-pura baik sangat. itu sangat menyakitkan hati.

My Little brother

*my little brother has certainly inherited our sense of humours. crazy brothers who could come up with many crazy ideas, could play along innocently to his tunes and also loving and lovable at the same time.

*everyday he shows what he learned, and everyone is careful to not say negative words for him to listen to. Happily corrected his brothers for using the word "bodoh"-tak boleh!He said.

*He laughed at the most simplest things, fast in learning (as indicated on the pic above)and quite sensitive(cried when Jumbo si gajah biru cried for his mummy)

*Raised to be a gentleman-mum was sleeping uncovered when he took a blanket and covered her with that blanket. Also, declined (unexpectedly) from accepting the money my grandmother gave to him..

*every morning sent my mum to the door with "bye mak and hati-hati"..and reminded me not to drive laju-laju when i was driving my brother's car.

*Very hygenic and vomit at any sight of uncleanliness and bad odour.

*very conscious about his look.:o)

i missed the growing up part, but i'm impressed with what he become.

Although sometime he would be quite handful to handle, but that is what a child is. Give him the advantage of age. here is where we should consider the age factor.

Otherwise, he is such a dear. I Love Him THIIIIIIIIIIIIS Much.
Lame, but who cares?:o)

Home Sweetie Pie

I am enjoying my blissful holiday with my family, attending family gathering or simply walking to pasar malam. i won't say without any responsibility. I am responsible as a daughter and sister. Basic. I get involved or rather on purpose participated in siblings' quarrel-nothing worse-gaduh-gaduh manja type of things-because i enjoyed it. i feel that nothing has changed.Mum still pretty much treats me like i am 17. my brothers are still fun to be around with. At least that the last year i spend with mum-when i was 17. ten long years ago.:o)

Mum is feeding me with all the food that are hard to resist-on request or not.i eat like i have not been eating for years.i appreciate the love, and it taste lovely too. who would and could resist it?Not me. And as a bonus, my grandmother is here. i was living with her when i was small. She is among the closest persons to me, and practically watched me grows up.So,at noon i have to eat lunch to accompany her, and again at dinner.

The truth is: i miss this normal feeling of being simple and no concern about a thing.i had not had this feeling for a long time. Now that everything is okay again, my feeling is coming back to me. the healthy feeling of being able to accept myself. my self confidence is back, so here i am. basking in the moment.Thank you Lord.

My brother got married on Saturday. and my cousins-whom i would say meant well- asked me when they can meet their future cousin in law. With every confidence, i answered: not anytime soon, because i am still single. That is a liberation. Being able to tell the truth. i dont want to misled anyone with empty words. I am a confident girl, and being alone without any boyfriend is no crime.It is a liberty. i have had enough of lies, or liar. if i would stop it. It should start with me.I don't need sympathy.But they insisted on offering sympathy, so i played along:o)

I just gone through so many things the second half time of the year. and things could get worst in the future, but i pray and give my complete surrender to Allah.May Allah make easy my endeavour. I never wish bad things to happen to other people, still many bad things come my ways.But it is a test of character. As long as i know what i am doing,it doesnt really matter what other people do.I believe in karma.and i also believe in God's mercy. I'll just do the best i can to be better. Insyaallah

I pray for Allah's mercy and blessing.May Allah bless my two good friends for standing besides me through the hard times. He is the best dispenser of affair.

My secret place

today is an extremely cold day in Mukah. rain is pouring nonstop, and my mind is thinking about hot pisang goreng, coffee, sweater, blanket and all that warm things.However, the sky is bright and welcoming, and somewhat black is not a colour that can be associated with it. Such a warmth feeling inside.

i went to my secret place to enjoy the vista on the way there, but had conveniently forgotten my cam..so after spending about two hours there, i drove around a bit before headed home. the wind made me shiver, and i decided to be at the comfort of my house. finally a real December in Mukah.with all the rain, and the season greetings in the air.such a bliss.

how it reminds me of home.
The chill of the wind, the shivering, the open sky, the rain and all.

Im definitely in holiday mood.

My secret place didnt really offer anything i like. No Mills&Boon and Harlequins, nothing that i can found in my hometown's library.it is spacious, full of political, historical and general reading. But in terms of leisure reading, perhaps they need to add up a bit. Not many people were there also. It is a quiet place, and should i say deserted?

I really miss home. i miss the merriment of December. i miss the atmosphere.i miss the people.

i remembered a conversation with my close friend about my secret place: where he laughed it out loud. he is also on a "secret project" with his friends today jokingly terming it as "projek rahsia pergi library dgn kawan-kawan". that's sweet.:D
and suddenly i kinda miss him too, thinking that i wont see him until after Christmas. I hope he is having fun with his "projek rahsia" as well..:D

The last day of the week

Im super excited-thinking that next week i would fly home for a much awaited long holiday. I love the travelling part. Yes! i got back my adventurous spirit. Yes! i am happy. and Yes! i love my life. I have gone through so much that i need a break from my current role play. I am going back to my bolt hole! Happy!Happy!Happy!

Life nowadays only involving people who matter to me. Everyday, i make it a point to show off my stance-in keeping my space exclusive to certain people only. These certain people who had proven that they are worth the friendship. i make no pretense about that. I am a very sensitive girl, and i cant and wont accept less than what i offered to people in return. i dont need people who need to choose between me and their interests. Baby, i'm an individual package- you take it or leave it. It doesn't matter to me.

I am much happier now because i stop rationalising my actions. i stop listening to people. making my space exclusive enables me to stay grounded. Really, sometimes, other people are not that perfect. They just know how to pick the scapegoat for their imperfectness. I make it my point to NOT care a bit.

oh yes. it's Friday-and that also make me happy.

The Exception to General Rules

Finally a 3-day surveillance audit comes to an end today-with more than mixed feeling. Some feel that there are many rooms for improvement.some feel that a noncomformance status is a well deserving status to be given. Some feel that 6k is too expensive a price to even receive unfavourable result. But to think it from a positive side, perhaps what we need is an expensive experience so that next time, we could pull through much better than we already tried. What we have to bear in mind, is that whatever result we get in the end is an opportunity for improvement, be it favourable or unfavourable. This is indeed a lesson towards betterment-as a wakeup slap to our faces that it is definitely a high time to up our game.

Indeed.

Personally, it is a very eye-opening experience for me.it highlights many aspects, work wise, perspective wise and attitude wise. it gets my thought going on my leadership ability, on efficiency and decision making process. this is more than just banking on the academic qualification, it's more towards human resource skills in general and my ability to perform my duty/responsibility in the required aspects. My attitude towards what i do.
Obviously, we learn more by doing and observing than just listening blindly to what other people have to say. More often than not, what we listen from other people are already marred by their own perspectives. a much welcome training, i would say.It is such an honour to work with a well trained auditor-one who gives loads of inputs on skills and perspective-professional judgment, and who always, despite on her professional obligation, always emphasize on humane consideration and not just the mechanic of things.

i love one point she mentioned: there's always a time for the "benefit of doubts". not all things are the way they seemed to be, and you have to consider and compromise once in a while. I love the maturity of her judgment. I learn a great deal on attitude as well. this is definitely an exception to the general rules for me:For her to be able to make a very considerate professional judgment.That's why in the first place, we get 2 NC and 9 OFI-otherwise, we are actually qualified for more.

Although, this one might come as a heavy penalty to many, but for me, whatever the result is a well deserving result-based on the evidences presented. As a young institution, we have to learn to shoulder some of the responsibility. Hopefully, next time we would be more prepare and not just talk big about everything. We dont need something that look beautiful on paper, but when it comes to execution, it becomes haywire.

This is definitely a challenge-more of a psychological challenge rather than procedural challenge. We have the procedure, but lack the weight to actually carried it out into meaningful action.