Al-Fatihah

Solemn.

Another man has gone down in the battle field. The sadness that we feel will never be as greater as those whose family members had gone down in the battle. Ours is an understatement of sadness. theirs were overwhelming. Where to turn to if not to the Almighty for strength and guidance? We always are so proud of this country and we even took its peace and stability for granted. Now, it should serve as a reminder of how easily it could have taken away, how fragile life can be. Let's pray in our deepest prayer that all will be well soon, In sha Allah.

Solemn.

i  was in class-a remaining fifteen minutes of time when i decided to ask my students to pray together for the Fallen. In the hope that it would incite the love for Malaysia. As i went along with my short condolence speech, i started toget overwhelmed with my emotion. i cried helplessly. My students remained in silent the few seconds of complete togetherness. i was terribly upset of the inhuman acts of the enemy. i was thinking about the helplessness. They were engaged in hours of endless tortures and humiliation-which were unthinkable for a normal thinking individual. Although later on, my sister updated that, the gangs were the drug dealers who might be under the influence of narcotics at that time. Yes, without senses and rationality, anyone can turn into a beast.

Solemn.

It remains the bloodiest of event. Us with theoretical battle experiences, and them with advanced battle techniques- there was no way we can fight experience. They dragged us down with experiences.and most probably blind courage. Bloody Bukit Kepong is brought to life

Condolence to the family. Al - Fatihah.

29

Saya berumur 29 tahun lima hari hari ini.

Older yes. As always hoping to be even more wiser and mature than i had been last year. Alhamdulillah ya Allah for this life and for the opportunity to still be here to fulfill my responsibility and duty.

Well, life moves on as usual. not much interesting things to discuss about. Lahad Datu is generally safe,Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

The most unexpected birthday present was the RM300 summon for memandu laju. The nicest was a transcribed birthday card from my students. The sweetest was  butter cake from my boss. Sweet because before that, i was craving for the cake, and he bought it to the office saying that " kek ini bagi kamu". That's a very kind thing to do, though shouldn't be taken personally. Too bad, at that time i was fasting. i managed to take one slice home with me. Thank you so much for the thought :)

And, my bucket list-finding a boyfriend-surprisingly progressing well. Unfortunately, i have this habit of turning down offers of serious relationship. there's just no sparks/chemistry. So i guess this bucket list would be pending for god's know how long. You can just be in a relationship whenever  there's an offer / opportunity, right? I don't believe that. I don't believe in jumping into it just because you want to be in a relationship: just because everyone else is in a relationship. That would be naivety.

I don't really have a plan for this year: i dont really believe that life should be this and that. I mean, that would be a terribly stressful life. Better to live it as it is. Just live in the moment and make plans as we move along.

Everything in this world has its own natural course. Better leave it just the way it is. We will reach the conclusion sooner or later. That's Allah's promise to His Servants.

Something interesting i found in the net: "God said come forth and get eternal happiness. I came in third and get a toaster instead" sometimes, it is as simple as following Allah's way in order for happiness to take place. It is certainly for the best

Alhamdulillah Ya Allah for the all the blessing, i couldnt possibly ask for more.

Talk is cheaper

What do we gain from the current political unrest and Malaysian's shallow mindedness? Basically nothing.

So many of those Mr. Know it all on the loose. So many opinions and coffee shop talks going on. It looks like the younger generation (my generation) is so keen to believe that the solution to all problems is arms, swords and violence. But really, what have we gained from the blood sheds? nothing. More people are dying, insecurity, and political instability. Havent we learned a single damned thing of BERSIH and the Bloody May incident?Those were all the agenda of people whose fight has nothing to do with "Malaysia". Those were for personal gains no matter what it was.  Those were because some people were selfish and not sensitive to what matters. We build up this country for 50 years over and we couldn't possibly want to destroy it over night because of some people personal agenda that has nothing to do with national interest. Well some people sure need to spend precious times in the library.

The key word is "National Interest".

I dont care which party rules Putrajaya, but it has to be the one that can translate "national interest" into the system. Not just some bloody Tom, Dick and Harry who are only up for the power. This, Malaysia is not a gamble. No, Mr. Not a gamble at all.

May Allah be with us.

I am like a lawyer, with the way i'm always trying to get you off (Me &You)-No more.

grey and black, who care?

why should i spend the entire night crying you off my mind?
why should you care?
why should you?
why?

why should you treat me like my feeling doesn't count?
why should you pretend you are there?
why should you pretend?
why should you?
why?

I am boring. that's what you think.
I am agreeable. that's what you think
I am serious. that's what you think
I am old. That's what you think
I am not your friend. that's what you think.

your friends.
they are young and stupid. you're clever
they are dumb. you're clever
they don't know much. you're clever
they like fun. you think you are it
they want exclusive. you think you are it.
they are lost. you think you are a saviour.
they are pretty things, i get that. you want to be it.
so, you reject me.
Because i am everything that they are not.

i can read you like a book.
predictable.
readable.
easy to guess.
easy to sway.

just because i didn't say anything
you go about faking "friendship".
well, stop.
i'm not buying "fake"

i don't want to be in a battle
to prove my worth
either you realise it or not,
it's entirely up to you.
i'm done here.

enough. yes enough.
you lost your privilege. with me.
run along.
i need my space... (s)




just a response from my watching "i miss u", a Korean drama. So full of emotions and unfairness i ended up crying.

Go On

 This is a new show in 702- astory about a guy who lost his wife in a car accident. He dont want to talk about his feeling, he dont want other people to offer sympathy, and he said to everyone that he already move on. So his company send him to a therapy so that it would help to let out his deep feeling. This group therapy will help to avoid build-up anger that is self destructive. He dont want to believe it.

i believe that it is a helpful method. When you have too many things bottled up, it will be your time bomb. waiting to explode and destroy everything. you get angry over many things, you feel like a victims, you feel wronged and maybe one of the days, you would unnecessarily hurt many people.

i noticed me. i have to let go of the toxics. i dont want to destroy myself and hurt people that i love.

Dear Self, please forgive me. i have caused you so much troubles. In Sha Allah, it will improve from now.

Pak Abu

"♥ Allah tahu hatimu perit menahan luka...
♥ Allah mendengar doa-doa dan tangisanmu meminta...

=Namun bukan kerana DIA tidak mempedulikan nasib hamba-hambaNya..
=Tetapi sebenarnya DIA sedang memberikanmu yang terbaik walau kamu sebenarnya yang tidak menyedari..
= Bukan senang untuk redha dan pasrah..
=Hati perlu kuat dan tabah.. 
=Yang pasti, "setiap yang berlaku ada hikmah" "

Melankolik sikit hari ini. Cengeng lah saya ni. dan semuanya sebab there's something about Pak Abu  that made me feel like crying again. 

Jika inilah yg terbaik, maka kita harus  belajar menerima 'ketiadaan" dia. Kerana sooner or later, dia pasti akan benar-benar hilang.

Belajar-belajarlah.

Tea Factor

I couldn't sleep.

I started to think that maybe tea is not my stuff. i have been having this nauseous and dizzy feeling after consuming a bag (meaning a cup) of Boh. Idont understand why i have that reaction whenever i took tea. uncomfortable to the max.

i forgot to bring the paper to be marked. no wonder i feel something is missing. I believe i have the entire next week (starting tomorrow) to mark all. Next  week is also among the busiest. Not as busy as any of my busy days but busy. Starting monday, i would have two classes in the morning. and in the afternoon, a briefing for accreditation. On tuesday, i have replacement at night. Wednesday i have class early in the morning and in the afternoon till 1630 hour. On thursday, i have research methodology workshop. Friday, i have one class in the morning. and i the rest of my free time, i'll spend to do the work for scholarship. Still so much of a busy girl. But not as busy as before. Thank god.

By wednesday, i hope, everything should be given to my students.

by Thursday or Friday, i should go and see Pak Abu asked him whether he would be willing to take my car into his care while im away on holiday. I dont have many friends that i can trust with my belongings. I dont like to simply leave it to other people because im not used to other people. Coming back to my trust issue. And again, it would be easier for me to leave my car to him, because it means that i dont have to ask someone to come and fetch me anywhere. Convenience for me. Convenience for him. Long standing friendship and trust. What more can i ask of him other than that? i learned from my previous experience. and i dont like it being passed around to just everybody or anybody-who in real life never ever had anything to do with me. Call me selfish, but arent we all when it comes to something we love?

By saturday, i would be out of town on the earliest bus to Miri. And few hours before midnight i'll be at home. With people that love me the most.

Cant wait for this week to end.