committment phobic

"all your relationship have always ended up not in the way you thought it would be.Maybe it's time to ask and answer the question" says my horoscope.

"Not in the mood" says the quiz in FB.

i used to be a commitment phobic.im so blinded by what i see in everyday life-people who profess undying love but ended up creating a mess together.they can be foolishly stubborn, irritatingly patient and sometime just plain irrational.i was thinking that, if you share your life with a person only to end up lesser than you are, with no confident and always doubtful, always bitter, always trying to be meaner and meaner everytime-just for the sake of controlling the other, well no thank you.im not interested in organized mess.
i dont think i am a responsible person yet.and i dont think i can raise a child at all.given my very poor background, i dont want to ruin anybody's life with my insecurity and distrust.Given my poor background again, i dont think that, anybody can accept me and all the emotional baggage i carry. i was ashamed to let anyone near me, because i dont have the answer for anything.They deserve someone with a stable background, who can give 100 percent and not just take but cant give anything like me. Who dont run away at any sign of insecurity. i couldnt even make promise.i was scared..im that-distrustful, insecure, and reserved when it comes to relationship.All of my relationship ended because i want it to be that way.In my prayer, i always pray that they find someone better.it's not because i have no feelings but simply because, im helpless.i couldnt trust myself to go through it.i couldnt reach out and say i care.so, what i did was say "it's ok."and wish them happily ever after.and i mean it.

i read a book by Andrew matthews, and realised that i was being hard on myself. it was not my fault if anybody else ends up tearing each other apart. but somehow, i still have a little restraint about relationship.i always doubt myself.my ability to really connect at a deeper level.i used to term myself as emotionally handicapped person.simply for the fact that im unable to really connect.but im learning since then, and i have improved tremendously.

and now im still a little bit of a phobic, but im more relax about everything. no longer so bitter about it.just not ready.

i just need a little push into the right direction.or maybe i just need that someone that can make me see it from different perspective. otherwise,im not settling for lesser.the truth that i always know in my heart is, i dont want someone that's perfect for everybody.i just want someone that i cant live without.

not someone that i can live with...