They are no you

Life gets busy again. i love the busy-ness. one thing for it to keep me focus, and another to while away my time. another one is so that i won't think of home so much. The only thing that keeps me grounded at this point is that, i would be able to apply for transfer this year. And hopefully it would be a success. Cheer for that.^_^

This week.
Busy doing all sorts of assessment for my students, everything that hadn't been done yet. Busy to get acquainted with SPSS and data in PMIS. Busy to get my life adjusted accordingly, to my unpredictably quite busy schedule. Busy to get so many thing in order, paying bills and debts-which has been proudly taken care. I am proud that everything is well taken care of. Im proud that despite many adjustment, i cope well and seem to be getting better everytime.That's an achievement.however small.Proud is the name of the game.^_^

This week.
i made one of my students cried. i didn't mean for it to end up in tears. But i guess, i have to take action or be questioned later in the hereafter for taking my responsibility lightly. This girl has an attitude problem. I have been with her since her first semester. i don't want to fail her without giving her the chance to justify her action. It was a kiss and tell, but i would say that this incident reminded me of my purpose of being where i am: internalizing good values and be off help wherever needed. For someone who claimed herself to be professional with a strategic way of thinking, mature,positive,and reliable, i did the best i can with her. I pray that Allah guides her in her future endeavours.

This week.
i tried my best with all of my classes. Giving what it takes all the way. i read an FB status from my student something about all lecturers are emotional. so i decided to have more tolerant for childish behaviour. Although, it was tough, but the pain was worth it.Instead of feeling angry for inability, i tried another way: giving exercises after exercises. At least that way, it would help them be better in class. The challenge is to challenge myself and my mind to think differently. and i can't never refuse challenge.

This week.
Dealing with students in the student's affair unit is no piece of cake. It challenges your diplomacy and somewhat triggers irritation. it is very easy to get stuck in irritation mode. but then somewhere, somewhat i learned that, "hey.cool it off. Just because everyone was reacting in similar way, doesn't mean you have to follow suit."
Besides, everyone is NOT you. So i decided to take everything that comes my way with a semblance of sense of humour. Hah, my day is much better. ^_^

Everyday is a challenge for me to be better. Everything is a challenge for me to rise through it and make it better.

Everytime, i remind myself that i am better off and would be better still.In every aspect.

Insya Allah.

my new hub

I am enjoying my new hub pretty much. Everyone is very helpful and friendly. everyone is cheerful and work-wise, is very inspiring and positive. I think i gain more weight these few days because of all the food and the laughter. Though, my first love is still the academic world. But my new hub offers me new experience, new world view and new lease of enjoyment-i like the cheerfulness that by no means meant at anyone specific. Just poking fun at each other. it gives me reason to laugh out loud..^_^

Yesterday, they were all set to teach me Melanau. i do know a few words, but if there's ever a MUET-like test for the language, i would be at band zero, so to speak.
So, one of them started to use mixture of melanau and the sarawakian dialect while arranging something. Out of the blue, suddenly he asked me:

L: kmu dengar ka tadi?
M:(who was typing a report)apa?
L: belobo-lobo
M: (confused) maksudnya apa?
L: ok, R.explain.dia lebih byk tau bahasa dulu-dulu itu..
R: ok, belobo-lobo maksud ya mun kitak pakai lipstik, mungieng..
M: (i was like..hahahaha?seriously?), dahla kamu tadi ckp sy tidak faham, n explain pun dalam bahasa yg sy lagi x paham (seriously laughing my head off at this moment)

(after series of laughing) oh, bersepah...

another incident..

R: ok, bila dapat data dr PTPTN, kitak masukkan dlm PMIS.macam dlm folder ini. usei-usei la...
M: hah?(knew that this would be a repeat of yesterday's languistic encounter)
R: maksudnya mupuok-mupuok..(i started laughing again)..apa dlm bahasa kamu..erm..
Boss: maksudnya pelan-pelan..(boss was laughing as well)
M: oh, pelan-pelan..(my stop-laugh button is damaged at this point)

Another interesting incident.
Something happened to someone this morning, which caused quite a talk among the admin staffs. (At this point, boss went out to see it for himself).
Suddenly, everyone was seated at a table and started spilling all the gossips. As a matter of conversation, they were all speaking in rapid melanau.I could catch one or two things actually. Suddenly, boss came in again, and joined the gathering. i was quite sure that he wont add anything at all. To my disbelief, he knew more than anyone, and he was the answer to the puzzle ^_^
It was very funny and "enlightening"..^_^

This morning, i wasn't in the office, and they were having their breakfast in the pantry. i was embarrassed to join because i didn't contribute anything to the breakfast. But, the boss called and asked me to join them. well, that was a kind thing to do, ^_^. i love kind and nice people.

I feel included and warmth most of the time. i really do love mature people.

the new environment makes me comfortable, and i'm willing to try and be part of the happy people. ^_^

Ghostly

There's is a place in my mind that keeps on heading towards you.

Everything i see reminds me of you. No matter how chaotic a day it is, there is always a thought for you.

I am running from the closet in my mind, and the first heart beat is always for you.

The faster i run, the faster it catches up with me. you are always a head start of me.

Every song is the song for you and me.or me singing it to you

You catch me off guard anytime, dear.In my deepest thought for you.

People are gay, and great. But i always have a quiet place inside of my mind for you and me.

I am wondering why:even the inanimate things point me to you?

I am wondering whether you feel it too?

The sun is shining brightly, but i couldn't feel the heat. i only feel a soft emotion glowing inside.

I am wondering why i didn't notice at first:i miss you.

By now:so terribly.

The Juggler's diary

That's how it is so far. Many things to do, but nothing that can't be done. Insyaallah. Me being a fast learner helps a lot. Friendly and helpful co-workers are great. New boss is very appealing and inspired deep sense of attitude. The environment is sterile off unnecessary things. That's positive. I have been making a healthy progress with my new responsibility. At the same time is still trying to build rapport with other co-workers. Everyday, at least one or two new things. Insya-allah. as i said, nothing that can't be done.

Academic wise, still trying to finish off my XCompile. Also, i would like to say-nothing that can't be done. Focus, focus and focus, and surely we will do just fine. Insya allah.if it feels like emptying the last drop of energy, so be it. I don't really mind the hardwork. I have been there and i will be there again. No worries.Although,many things need to be completed, i will do it. No exception.No excuses.

Another one: for my baby quality unit. I am still pretty much "in" the mood for it. Infact, these two days i would be at the strategic planning workshop. I admire the people. I try to pick up something from them. i mean, instead of feeling like a small fish who used to live in an aquarium, why not enjoy the open sea once in a while? You feel uncomfortable because you feel you don't belong. But heck, be there and be inspired by their ideas and the way they project themselves. Listen.Learn.No judgment. Just be. At least, you learn one or two things, if not skills then manners. Read cocky? well, that's the problem with negative attitude. everything must be low profile and humble. I'm going to take the opportunity to learn something.

of personal life. everything is great. i have no excuse to complain about a thing. I thank God for the opportunity to be blessed in so many ways. I thank God for everything that happens. I pray for the strength and the wisdom to understand better.

La hawla walaa quwwata illa billah -He who made easy any endeavor

Insya Allah, Insya Allah.

a small adjustment

starting Friday my office would officially be in the Student Affair Unit. It probably means that i would be moving back and forth from the General Studies Department and the Student Affair Unit. Im in the process of finishing off my current workloads so that i have plenty of times to concentrate on my new job. I have already informed my boss on Tuesday. Tomorrow, my other responsibility is due to start.But, as a matter of moving at the right time, i chose Friday to actually be at the new office. As far as i am concerned, i have worked harder today, and half of what i planned to complete has not been touched yet. The only thing that i am bringing with me is my File, and some other class related things. I told my boss i would keep the rest of my thing in my desk. Just so that i have a place to come back to should i need something.

i would say with gratitude, it is a most welcome small adjustment.

Thank you Allah,for the opportunity. I pray for the strength to fulfill my duty and responsibility everyday.

Pernyataan Hati

Bila tak kunyatakan keindahan-Mu dalam kata,
Kusimpan kasih-Mu dalam dada.
Bila kucium harum mawar tanpa cinta-Mu,
Segera saja bagai duri bakarlah aku.
Meskipun aku diam tenang bagai ikan,
Tapi aku gelisah pula bagai ombak dalam lautan
Kau yang telah menutup rapat bibirku,
Tariklah misaiku ke dekat-Mu.
Apakah maksud-Mu?
Mana kutahu?
Aku hanya tahu bahwa aku siap dalam iringan ini selalu.
Kukunyah lagi mamahan kepedihan mengenangmu,
Bagai unta memahah biak makanannya,
Dan bagai unta yang geram mulutku berbusa.
Meskipun aku tinggal tersembunyi dan tidak bicara,
Di hadirat Kasih aku jelas dan nyata.
Aku bagai benih di bawah tanah,
Aku menanti tanda musim semi.
Hingga tanpa nafasku sendiri aku dapat bernafas wangi,
Dan tanpa kepalaku sendiri aku dapat membelai kepala lagi.

~Jalaludin al-Rumi~

Brooding

Picture do speaks thousand words.

thoughtful.grateful.i feel like the open sky before the rain. Light but at the same time bland.Gloomy edge but at the same time there's a twinge of sun ray.

it's just one of the days that leads to many trains of thought.

Im alone in the crowd

Stressed button

Seriously lazy this morning. i postponed almost everything. Honestly, i havent started anything serious this morning. Plain lazy. i am experiencing a feeling where i am actually feeling great but somewhat hesitant. i don't even understand why. As if i can't enjoy what i am doing. This feeling again.Huh

i always pride myself of being able to do what i like, when i like it, and with whosoever that i preferred to spend my time with. But nowadays, i feel stressed out because i have to be with this person doing this and that, have to be this that, have to think like this and that-well, that's in no way fun.That is very restricting. Although, i understand the mother-tiger protective nature, it doesn't mean that i agree with what she do. I hate the protection.And her being so protective, she also commented on my close friendship with my friend-saying that i should stay away from him. Why on earth did i listen to it in the first place???!Why i let other people dictate what i should do again???!
Now, that is one source of stress. If i want to spend time with him, i have to do it in a hush-hush away as if i am guilty of committing crime.i'm tired of being tied up. again. i like it free style

i never have to report to anyone before. and im not going to start now. but, i'm just too soft hearted to say NO.

Why love has to be pain-filled?

Lagenda Budak Setan by Ahadiat Akashah.

i read numbers of Ahadiat's novel in my teen. basically, most of his plots have the element of tragedy. unpredictable and twisted ending. he would usually killed his heroes in the end no matter how good or how reliable the hero had been.it is either that, or someone would definitely be sad. There would always be elements of unhappiness in it. there would be the element of suffering.
Knowing how it would end, i never really watched the adaptation until now. and yes, i am correct on one thing: it is indeed a very sad piece. Sad can't even convey the whole emotion.

But i do understand one thing: if you love someone so dearly, you either give it a fight or give it up. Because if you don't fight for it, the regret will hunt you forever, and it would be more killing than the sadness of losing itself.
And, if you decided to give up on it, you have to be ready to accept anything as the consequence.

Ku sebut namamu
Di setiap doaku
Ku kan setia di mana tempatmu
Yang ku dapat hanyalah bayangmu


i guess that it's true:everything is fair in love and war. even sadness is an expression of love itself.

But, this movie has a good tool for "purging". Heck, i cried. :P

Way back into Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed*
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

you know that i'll be there for you in the end


*"what kind of clown sleeping above your bed? :D

I am a fan of Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. although, sometimes his boyish personality is so twisted, but love him all the same. Maybe because he is Brit? i find that so sexxxy.

these lately, i have become an official Tom Cruise's fan. I dont really watch his movies before this, i think that he is just too handsome to act,but after numbers of movie with him in it, Oh WOWWWW.. is all i can say. Serious acting, definitely.

Seriously smitten, i am.:D

Be damned!

Damned it, my mind is wandering, so badly that if i stay in my bed, i would start throwing pillows and kicking blanket. Damned, Damned, Damned.

the point is, i am angry because i get free advice and free check up on what i do from people who think they meant well again. Really, no offense, i appreciated the thought. But i hate being treated like i am a small kid. For god's sake, im 27 years old. i don't need free advice on what's good FOR YOU. again, people misunderstood my friendship as a license to say what they want. God Gracious, and i thought i had escaped that!

damned it, i don't want to explain my action to anyone. I have been fighting for myself all these while, and nobody gives a damned about it. Just pay me the favour of staying well out of my life. Don't play the angel that you are not!

I really hate my Ex-bestmate for trying to play the good samaritan. Don't waste time with me, you moron. Hell yeah, go back to your girlfriend and just leave me for good.

As if i ever need a hypocrite!

Sia-Sia

Penghabisan kali itu kau datang
Membawa kembang berkarang
Mawar merah dan melati putih
Darah dan suci.
Kau tebarkan depanku
Serta pandang yang memastikan: Untukmu.

Sudah itu kita sama termangu
Saling bertanya: Apakah ini?
Cinta? Keduanya tak mengerti.

Sehari itu kita bersama. Tak hampir-menghampiri.

Ah! Hatiku yang tak mau memberi
Mampus kau dikoyak-koyak sepi.

Chairil Anwar
Februari,1943