Relationship is a complicated thing. You get used to it, it seems to be bearable. Until one person modify the meaning for you.
I used to be a commitment phobic. and sadly after one failed attempt at a relationship, i'm even more of a phobic. i used to think that as long as you are committed to the relationship, and you both have the same objective it would work well. Love doesn't even come into my big picture. because i'm not a believer of that emotion. i don't believe in love at the first sight. Based on my observation, 80% of relationship worked because of the hardworks, compromise, commitment and your willingness to be in one. Traditionally, people got married because it was an obligation,a responsibility and because it was the right thing to do. No one ever mentioned love. Those who marry for love seemed to be always at the wrong side of the bed; maybe because the society think that people who show their feeling are not sensible. People often associated love with desire and lust.
i thought i could get away with all those traditional values until i was in the relationship which had proven to me otherwise. I thought it's okay to be in a relationship, where emotion are not intense;as long as you respect the other, well, love can come later on. But the failed relationship told me that my thinking is actually very defective. In the end,you could get in a very emotionally tangled state. What's the use of a relationship when you can't actually put your feeling in it?What's the use of a relationship when you can't actually proclaimed anything to be yours?and can you be responsible then?It sounded so half-hearted.and how bad a damage it caused.
i'd rather be in a relationship with all my heart than in a relationship where i don't actually know what i have or where i stand. As if you are in a ghost relationship, where not much can be developed.
But so far, i haven't really found one.
And if i ever were in a relationship again, let it be for real.
Jan 15, 2012
Jan 13, 2012
Hey..
well, today is a happy day.:o)
seriously happy!
Happy=better feeling=better thinking=better performance=better motivation=better appearance=more lovely smile=more fun class=more lively joke=more appetite=more calm=better sleep=better world.
whatever makes me think that i would be okay minused you?
Okay simply does not means okay without U.that's for sure...
(^_^)
seriously happy!
Happy=better feeling=better thinking=better performance=better motivation=better appearance=more lovely smile=more fun class=more lively joke=more appetite=more calm=better sleep=better world.
whatever makes me think that i would be okay minused you?
Okay simply does not means okay without U.that's for sure...
(^_^)
Jan 11, 2012
Ranting and Raving
Maybe a long holiday is not effective for me, because after my long holiday, i couldn't focus, i feel tired and less motivated to work. Maybe, what i need is either a change in environment/more works. I feel so deprived of energy.i am thinking of home almost every hour, and that is hardly helping in combating my laziness. i felt this before when i was taking DPLI straight after finishing degree.less motivated and lost.This is troubling.
It doesn't help that one of my class is challenging my ability to teach and make them understand. i almost explode today because one of the students think it is funny to disregard my instruction to try using English when conversing in class. The point is, in the previous class he also did the same. He didn't try at all and that's what pissing me off. The unwillingness to try. I had been explaining to them like a subtitle. one sentence after another. Still, he didn't get it. tired. im pretty much linguistically challenged when it comes to translating one sentence after another.I mean, should i just use malay language instead of English? I can tolerate broken English, but i really despise it when people do not want to try at all, and think that it is funny. So very tiring. I knew that some people might have problem with English,but what is their problem with "trying"?
It also doesn't help that i'm having a very sensitive stomach, and barely can eat anything without having stomachache.
Oh God, what have i put myself into?
It doesn't help that one of my class is challenging my ability to teach and make them understand. i almost explode today because one of the students think it is funny to disregard my instruction to try using English when conversing in class. The point is, in the previous class he also did the same. He didn't try at all and that's what pissing me off. The unwillingness to try. I had been explaining to them like a subtitle. one sentence after another. Still, he didn't get it. tired. im pretty much linguistically challenged when it comes to translating one sentence after another.I mean, should i just use malay language instead of English? I can tolerate broken English, but i really despise it when people do not want to try at all, and think that it is funny. So very tiring. I knew that some people might have problem with English,but what is their problem with "trying"?
It also doesn't help that i'm having a very sensitive stomach, and barely can eat anything without having stomachache.
Oh God, what have i put myself into?
Jan 8, 2012
Project Kitchen
Kitchen is so much fun when you know what you are doing, and have all the ingredients for the recipes. Cooking helps to channel creative energy and helps to while away the time especially during weekend.
i was a little downhearted at first, when i didn't found what i was looking for. But as i was cooking, the great feeling came again- and made the dishes tasty to me.
i was planning on cooking steamed whole chicken with ginger and garlic source mixed with oyster sauce during the break for CNY. though, the steaming process is less complicated, the ginger sauce will be more tricky to prepare.
A food is tasty when you say it is.My idea of tastiness differed from my friends. therefore i never cook for them for fear that my taste didn't suit their advanced taste.So i let them get away with the notion that i don't know anything about cooking. Well, when it comes to girlish characteristics, everyone is trying their very best to show off best quality. :o)
The definition of tastefulness is relative. As long as it is able to capture your sense of taste, then it is tasty.
i was a little downhearted at first, when i didn't found what i was looking for. But as i was cooking, the great feeling came again- and made the dishes tasty to me.
i was planning on cooking steamed whole chicken with ginger and garlic source mixed with oyster sauce during the break for CNY. though, the steaming process is less complicated, the ginger sauce will be more tricky to prepare.
A food is tasty when you say it is.My idea of tastiness differed from my friends. therefore i never cook for them for fear that my taste didn't suit their advanced taste.So i let them get away with the notion that i don't know anything about cooking. Well, when it comes to girlish characteristics, everyone is trying their very best to show off best quality. :o)
The definition of tastefulness is relative. As long as it is able to capture your sense of taste, then it is tasty.
Jan 4, 2012
praying for divine intervention
the rain is pouring heavily outside accompanied by the wind. Sleep would be easy to come tonight.i guess.
Right now, i feel heavy with sadness.
i couldnt count how many time i cried in my prayers. endless crying and praying that everything would be fine. a conversation took place yesterday, and i suddenly realised that there's nothing i could do to try fixing other people's mind set or heart condition so to say.
i hadn't been happy for a long time until recently, and i pray for justice from the Almighty. I can't afford to lose another dear individual just because someone else think that it is sinful for me to have a life and be happy.My question is: what have i done to you that you can't rest from making me miserable?
what, my dear, is the price i have to pay so that you would be happy and stop all these?Because if the price is my life, then you had succeeded. You had longed succeeded and you knew that.
Dear God, dear God.
Right now, i feel heavy with sadness.
i couldnt count how many time i cried in my prayers. endless crying and praying that everything would be fine. a conversation took place yesterday, and i suddenly realised that there's nothing i could do to try fixing other people's mind set or heart condition so to say.
i hadn't been happy for a long time until recently, and i pray for justice from the Almighty. I can't afford to lose another dear individual just because someone else think that it is sinful for me to have a life and be happy.My question is: what have i done to you that you can't rest from making me miserable?
what, my dear, is the price i have to pay so that you would be happy and stop all these?Because if the price is my life, then you had succeeded. You had longed succeeded and you knew that.
Dear God, dear God.
Jan 3, 2012
At least
...is not my favourite words..
as if i am forced to do something i don't like.
as if i settled for a second best.
as if i wasn't honest with what i do.
as if my effort was half hearted.
But that's the very least that i can do.
at least.
as if i am forced to do something i don't like.
as if i settled for a second best.
as if i wasn't honest with what i do.
as if my effort was half hearted.
But that's the very least that i can do.
at least.
Jan 1, 2012
New season in the air
The day seems so long today. tomorrow i plan to go to town to buy something i can cook.I just notice that my kitchen has barely anything to munch on. nevertheless, i managed to cook fried mihun which tasted good and suddenly i have this vision of cooking something more challenging like my favourite sambal udang or mushroom soup.
i was browsing through the net today and found the term Post Holiday Blues. It explained my aversion to socialising. i am tired, impatient, quiet and boring these few days. i was afraid that my condition is due to depression...again. Thankfully, no. Once i understand my psychological condition, i am ready to go about from my shell again and enjoy the time. :D
Hmm..i also noticed that i did not have any new goal for the past two years. i was too busy trying to fulfill my 2009's goals that i didn't pay attention on having any new goal. One thing led to another and life gets a bit complicated. So i was also busy trying to adjust my footing. But Praise be to god, all in good courses, so it is a good time to start something new. so basically, i have 2 goals-:D.
Getting me excited already..(^________^)
i also noticed that some people are trying to take advantage of my misfortune last year by using my crisis to lash out their own rage.Some are downright busuk hati.No more of that, thank you.
This is a year to remain off-screen but nevertheless industrious, enthusiastic, and creative. This is a year to be prosperous and happy and positive.
It is a new season for me. New is The Operative word.Smile again, baby (^____^)
i was browsing through the net today and found the term Post Holiday Blues. It explained my aversion to socialising. i am tired, impatient, quiet and boring these few days. i was afraid that my condition is due to depression...again. Thankfully, no. Once i understand my psychological condition, i am ready to go about from my shell again and enjoy the time. :D
Hmm..i also noticed that i did not have any new goal for the past two years. i was too busy trying to fulfill my 2009's goals that i didn't pay attention on having any new goal. One thing led to another and life gets a bit complicated. So i was also busy trying to adjust my footing. But Praise be to god, all in good courses, so it is a good time to start something new. so basically, i have 2 goals-:D.
Getting me excited already..(^________^)
i also noticed that some people are trying to take advantage of my misfortune last year by using my crisis to lash out their own rage.Some are downright busuk hati.No more of that, thank you.
This is a year to remain off-screen but nevertheless industrious, enthusiastic, and creative. This is a year to be prosperous and happy and positive.
It is a new season for me. New is The Operative word.Smile again, baby (^____^)
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