I...

i am in the land of wonderland.Here at home, it is really windy.it rains sometimes.so,it gets real cold.i almost lost track of time.i was thinking of school time,where it was usually windy,warmth weather.it reminds me of going to school again.oh yeah, school starts on Monday.maybe that's triggered my thought of school.
today,i went to Papar with my family-my uncle's engagement.we went as early as 7.30am,and stopped for breakfast at my uncle's house in Menggatal.So far out, but it's ok.i enjoyed the trip.it so happened that, my mum's elder brother was having an open house today.And usually i wont want to miss that.He is a real nice uncle-very helpful and kind-besides,it was a long time since i last saw him-but my father insisted on tagging along with his side of the family for the engagement-so,my brother and i just went with my father.My mum and my two other brothers went to the open house.
Yesterday, i went to the Hotspring with my brothers and one of my uncles.i just sit quietly, soaking my feet in warm water while they went swimming.i enjoy swimming.It's just that i dont feel it's ok for me to do that.With all the things i need to do before i could swim,i guess i can do without it. At night, my cousin asked me whether i would like to join his kinda-sort of-MLM business.so i went, listened.but that's it.im not interested.at least not this kind of business.the sum is blinding but..no thanks ;o).
Next week will be a quiet week.everything will resume once again.i have another one week,then the break will be over.

Question of Trust

The fourth day of hari raya.we were having an open house yesterday.People coming in and out of the house,until after Isyak.It was ok,not as tiring as last year's hari raya.Catering-save time and budget.Some of my friends and long lost friends came.I felt glad to see them after years of absence. Though i dont have many friends here now.Just because of times and commitment.so along the way, we drifted.some of them moved out.some were simply M.I.A.
But,the hari raya was marred by inconsiderate people who just dont know where to draw the line. it's one thing to cheat on somebody, and another to actually bring home the culprit. This is after all a family gathering.there's no point bringing home the home wrecker. and even worst when there were people who dont understand this.and still have the guts to ask/order other people to simply be nice and accept 'it' as normal.come on man, it's a question of trust.once broken, that's the point of no return.at least try to understand the concept, can you?i think not.oh the stress, all the bickering, the blaming game,the emotional blackmail..i cant begin to describe how upset i am by that.
i dont want to keep finding things to be at fault.it's becomes really tiring and boring after some time.i dont want to keep on talking about negative feeling.But what am i suppose to do,when it was right in front of my eyes?How can i remain unmoved by that?i dont want to be hating anyone for a lifetime.But still, it happened.again and again.
I learned something though.once you fail to honour the trust nothing would be the same again. Never would anything be the same again.you will always be on the watch out for signs of corruption.Dont ever mention the words trust, or respect, if you dont know the meaning. Dont!!if you dont mean it.Dont ever try to use that against somebody just to blackmail them.
i am looking for somebody who wouldnt use emotional blackmail against me, just so that i feel inadequate about who i am,or what i stand for.i wouldnt want somebody who makes me feel so wrong about myself just so that he will feel better about himself.i want somebody who helps me to realise my full potential as a friend and as someone who matters.Not just a helping hand during vulnerable moments.i want everything he can offer in whatever times.i want the real deal.solid and sound.i dont want half measure.
I know it's hari raya.Not exactly the right time to nag senseless.But i wonder when is the right time?

mad world

All around are me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very,
Mad world, Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
May they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

-when adam sang this in AI, i was shaken by his powerful voice.and when i actually read the lines, i felt certain degree of emotional turmoil-mixture of hopelessness,helplessness,regret,alone, lost-and several other emotions i couldnt name.I feel disturbed.it reminds me of what i feel when i heard that Chris Benoit has died(given the nature of his death)-because i was a fan.and the feeling i had when Heath Ledger died.disturbed and overwhelmed.

and mostly, to the fact that there are some things, u just have no control over...huh

points to ponder

I met with a friend while shopping with my brothers on Saturday.He was my friend from school,the only friend i have after all those years.we keep on contacting each other even after smk..we were quite close at school, but we were even closer now.When i was in KK for the Young Lecturers's course, we went out and talked almost about everything.
Except for some private things about his previous relationship-i dont want to pry,so i didnt really ask about that.
i like him-his attitude,his sense of humor,determination,responsible,rajin and simplicity-i never really gotten over my awe for him.i really respect him for all the things he did.we used to study math together, and in some vulnerable time, he let slipped some of his trouble.and i would start feeling sorry for him,but i dont know how i can help.so, i just kept quiet. The way he was so calm and relax about everything, was really something to learn from.he never complain about it,he mentioned it as if it was no big deal.After school, he helped out in a shop,which mean,he did not have too much times for other things.that's why i humoured him,when he stole one of my graphs for economics-knowing that he stayed up pretty late at night, slept 2-4 hours before school in the morning.Some people couldnt and wouldnt accept sympathy, so i helped the best way i know how. still, i have so much respect for his will to make life better.
he inspires deep feeling of gratitude for whatever i have in my life.although everything has been like a roller coaster,but somehow something is worth smiling over.
Steve Chandler says in his book-that life is a commitment-face it with commitment-look at it with commitment...

Apalah erti hari raya tanpa...

hehe.tajuk konon gempaklah.
sebenarnya,tidak ada apa yang perlu dikhabarkan tentang hal diatas.cuma sekadar title.hype saja.
semalam agak lewat sampai ke rumah.sebab banyak sangat singgah ke sana ke mari, tidak sedar hari makin lewat.sampai agak pagi hari jugalah.terus tunggu sampai sahur.maklum saja, sahur disini kan kira-kira pukul 3 macam tu.masa yang ada habiskan dengan borak-borak sambil makan dan discuss planning seterusnya.Bangun awal..sebab ada baby kecil yg macam ayam.pagi hari lagi sudah kecoh-kecoh.wouldnt want to miss the fun..;o)
awal pagi lagi sudah hujan.so, hari yang berbaki panjang tu di habiskan dengan aktiviti mengemas rumah..dan main bunga api dengan baby kecil yang cute and keletah.sure to miss him later.my sister kata kenapalah kami berdua main bunga api siang hari?whateverlah.yg penting baby gembira, and i shared the feeling with him.after maghrib sambung main.kali ni main bunga api yang agak besar pula.15 kali.all sounds and colours.up in the air.memang meriah.my brother pasang pelita.Kali ni, tinggal rumah kami saja yang ada pelita.jiran sebelah sudah balik kampung.jadi, pelita yang ada di lorong tu hanya pelita dari rumah kami. It looks so beautiful.it is like Fire burning.cantik.
Terasa suasana raya tu.setiap tahun memang tidak sempat rasa suasana begini.Balik pun pada akhir-akhir ramadhan. Kami tidak pernah terfikir pula untuk beli firecrackers.tahun ni lain sikit.kesempatan dan masa.Baby kecil yang first time sambut raya.semua tulah yang mendorong untuk sambut raya dengan lebih meriah.More feelings no doubt. My brothers simpan lagi satu surprise untuk malam raya.Bigger firecrackers.hehe.memang diorang ni bersungguh betul.Walaupun tahun ni, kad raya tidaklah banyak sangat.banyak yang di hantar secara online, tapi tidak menjejaskan perasaan untuk raya.
apalah erti hari raya tanpa kegembiraan begini.berkumpul.bergembira.merayakan dengan rasa syukur.dan bunga api.;o)
Semua ini sangat bermakna kerana adanya orang-orang yang kita sayang dan sentiasa membuatkan kita gembira.walaupun bukannya dapat diukur dengan harta benda yang banyak.

Raya, si Jahat Mulut dan Keliru

Esok balik kampung.minggu lepas lagi I dah kemas barang siap-siap. Bukan apa..supaya memudahkan kerja.hari ni hanya perlu kemas rumah saja.tidak perlu fikir baju mana atau barang apa yang kena bawa.sebab semua sudah settle.tu namanya planning ahead.bagus jugalah.incase ada last minute planning kan.so,focus.hehe.atau sebenarnya mengada-ngada.tapi cakaplah apa saja yang penting kita ada cara masing-masing untuk make life easier kan.
Apa ceritanya si jahat mulut ni?actually ni memang sesuatu yang biasa berlaku.satu insiden berlaku baru-baru ni yang telah menyebabkan orang-orang gaduh.di bulan-bulan puasa pula lagi.hampir-hampir hari raya.mungkin ada orang yang memang dilahirkan suka cari masalah dengan orang lain. Suka cakap yang memecah belahkan sesama sendiri.cakap ikut sedap mulut lepas tu tidak mau pula bertanggungjawab kepada kerosakan-kerosakan yang terjadi.apa lagi..salahkan lah orang lain.sungguh mudah.yang si jahat mulut ni tidak sedar, tuhan tu mengira apa yang kita buat di dunia.baik atau buruk.jangan suka hati saja beb!Dia Maha Dengar dan Maha Tahu apa yang u buat.walaupun orang tidak nampak. U tuduh sana tuduh sini, mentang-mentang orang lain ni jenis tidak suka cakap banyak. Herannya kenapa u tidak belajar dari pengalaman yang lepas?u tau ada certain individual ni cakap dia memang tidak guna satu sen pun,u percaya buat apa?u dengar saja tidak bolehkah?siap tambah perasa pula lagi tu.susah betul kalau suka menokok tambah cerita.lagi teruk kalau jadi batu asah..Tau orang ni cepat panas u pegi sibuk-sibuk kasi panas dia lagi buat apa?apa Faedah dia?u cakap u belajar tinggi.. Siap main geng-geng lagi..hai,kita ni semua sudah besar.try acting like one!nasib baik, my side ni jenis cool gitu. Satu yang ada problem, kita dengar..TAPI tidaklah sepandai you all yang suka merumitkan lagi keadaan. And kita tidak cakap apa-apa, bukan maksudnya kita bodoh.Kita Cuma tidak mau join jadi bodoh saja.

tapi yalah.nama pun hari raya.hari yang sepatutnya kita berusaha meneutralkan apa yang keruh. ambil apa yang baik.yang tidak baik tu buang saja.tak rugi kan.Buat apa memanjangkan cerita yang boleh di pendekkan?A true muslim is willing to forget and forgive.That's the spirit. As Andrew Matthews says, u forgive other people for your benefits.and in this case, why not?

Goosebumps

Funny.crazy.call it whatever.
suddenly there's whiff of familiar smell enveloping my senses.
suddenly i got goosebumps all over.
it made me feel as if someone is staring at my back while i was sitting here.At This Very Moment!!!
but the smell,and the goosebumps-Totally Paranormal.
or probably that is my emotion playing havoc...
pernah rasa?Seram sejuk tiba2 sebab ada sesuatu yang mengingatkan kita pada seseorang, dan kita rasakan orang tu ada disana...bila sebenarnya tiada?