Diriku yang kebosanan

If anything could kill me right now,then it is boredoom.i was bored and purpose-less.i woke up early-the habit that i got from working days-and stared at the ceiling for a good 5 to 10 minutes before i remembered it is saturday.then started my day turning on the radio and floated through my day singing..i do chores around the house,watch tv as usual and read book-which i have bought quite a long time ago,finished and reread it again.and still i feel devoid of enthusiasm.i watched a Hale Barry movie which ive seen playing once in a while,but never really got the interest to finish through.. Life is a lot boring now,i have no friend anymore.but if that's the way it is supposed to be,then so be it.i'l just have to adjust.it will work out naturally..bored but im too lazy to feel down or be depressed about it.bored but i dont want to make it an excuse to be in the blues again.i dont want to be at anybody's house,or be somewhere anybody wants to go or call somebody because i dont them to see me in my worst and dont want them to hear me lament about my weakness and sadness.or listen to them pointing out my weakness yet again.i guess i just want to be alone.devoid of human contact for as long as i can manage..i bored but in need of a bolthole.my house seems perfect for that.well,having said all,i will be fine.it is not that bad actually.boring and all,it will just be fine:o)

Mood swinger

Friday..the most dreadful day for me.it means i have to bear longer hours of non activity.i couldnt quite enjoy weekend anymore.i have problem being alone.then my mind would drift into dangerous ground of thinking too much.the irony is i dont really like being around people.then i'll start to hate everything.my life is really in the state of craziness right now.i basically dont like everything... I am experiencing a chronic mood swing.i hadnt been in mood swing for a long time.last time was in my first year,when i was breaking off with my boyfriend..my mood swing this time is caused by 2 things.first,i dont like the fact that people think they can lash out their anger at me,when they were mad at someone else.i really despised that.it was not even my fault.i was really mad being a punching bag.because i always restrain myself from doing that.but again,people just dont give a damn..secondly,i hate a crazy competition!i dont like people who think they know all about me,and therefore help make the decision for me.i simply hate people who said i try to compete with them,when all i do was trying to make myself feel better!damned you!i dont need to prove myself to anybody.damned you for making anybody think that i need to explain myself to anybody.damned you for making me hating you even worst.for having emotions at all..just looking at this particular person,my good mood all run out through the window!you are great for having the capability of making me hate you so much..and i never want an unhealthy competition whose basic is cheating,lying and backstabbing.no,oh god,help me get out from this calamity... I wish i could run and never have to be here.to see my self confidence shred to pieces..clearly i have a problem with myself.clearly im in a lot of trouble than necessary.. Apalagi yang saya perlu buat ni?! Saya sudah sangat bosan!

Cry baby

Why?when i am trying so hard to be a stranger in your life...when im trying so hard to be as far away from you as possible...when i already wall up myself so that there will always be a barrier between us...you can still make me cry harder that it begins to hurt?

Sweet busybody;o)

Today is much better.i have one class in the morning.and one the afternoon.somehow being in class is preferrable-it is a sort of escapism.and also because i like teaching.somehow i like it now more than ever.half of time in the morning i spent doing revision for my classes.other time,i spent flipping through materials to be put in the new module.and another time is spent listening to someone babbled about me.yesterday i went out earlier because it happened that my friend need to go to the hospital.she was not feeling ok,and he husband was away.so she asked me to accompany her.and my close friend was so kind to discuss my whereabout with him..and today he babbled about-next time if someone asked for help,asked them to come over to me.not me going over to them..yesterday,my friend told me that he said that -im bodoh-which i thought-never mind,he can call me any name he wanted,it doesnt matter.and this morning,he said he didnt say that-he said im lurus bendul.huhu.whatever.my friend insisted that the way he said those things,it showed how much he cared about me.im going to dismiss that point as not relevant.im sure he is going to make the same comment to everybody..so why bother?on another thought,i have gone a little out of my way than necessary for coming before 4.3opm.as it turned out she took almost one hour to get ready..so i rushed for nothing actually.so i thanked him this morning because i knew i shouldnt leave the office before time unless it is completely necessary to do that.thanked him for being a real busybody for me.:0)

Choices

Thoughtful mode...... My brother once asked me-which one come first.making a choice or getting what you want.i answered readily-of course getting what we want..he answered me-no,we have to choose first because seldom we will get what we want.often we have to choose from available options.it was a revelation for me.there and then i realised that i have never,once,in my life,having to choose from available options.i usually get what i want..so i answered that i dont know how it feels to have to make a choice.a simple discussion that led me to reflect my life.....my cousin is a very average guy.he didnt quite finish school,he do all menial jobs and always is the subject of ridicule in their family.but he is kind hearted,he treats his parents good,generous,diligence and full of sense of humor.all of a sudden,he met with this girl who works as a teacher-and this girl proposed to him..i dont know much about this girl,as we havent meet yet.but i think both of them get the best of each other..and me,i have always been among the lucky one.i usually get the best out of life-everything is going on perfectly-with no reason to complain.but when it comes to relationship,i almost always get mixed up with wrong people,which always ended up in lots of misery than necessary...so,my point is there are people who do not always get what they want,but they get the best thing eventually.while some who always get what they want,would lost the one thing that they want the most..thank you Allah for making see the justice in every event of my life.there's no reason to mourn over a thing/person that you dont get when you are already blessed with so many other wonderful things in life. God alone knows what's in store for you in the future..if you dont get the one thing that you want the most,then you must make a conscious decision to choose a path to go..so that you can choose the best from the available options. Thank you Allah for making me see wisdoms in everywhere i turn..

after the storm

I can say that this is not the most restful of my weekend,but i did rest-i sleep a lot more than i normally do,i cooked,watched tv,had girlish chat with my friends,rearranged my cupboard-i arranged my clothes according to a certain arrangement and cleaned my refrigerator-actually more of stocking up..i felt quite calm actually after my outburst.maybe my negative aura had dried out with all the sweat.great.when my brother broke off with his girlfriend,he did the same.infact,he was the one that told me-working out the negative energy by doing things that require lots of physical energy and mental concentration are the best anti depressant..so true.im much more calmer..when he broke off with his girlfriend,he went around cleaning the house,clearing the surrounding of my father's durian tree and chopping off banana tree-and he was calmer after that..brilliant and positive way to stay sane,i would say..but actually my stress level had decreased since friday.i went to a dancing course on friday:0) i hadnt been really dancing for years.the last time was in form 3.life was really wild back then.i was a carefree young girl before the depression of growing up made me a cynic.and it took me years to be as i am now..thanks to all the books i read.but that was beside the point. I went to this senam tari kenyalang,and danced a combination of dances.from malay,the pribumi's traditional dances,chinese and indian dances.i was actually having tremendous fun. I understand,first and foremost,this dance was created to replace poco-poco,but heck,who cares?i was dancing to the tune and was enjoying every minute.the steps were beautiful,artful and enjoyable.i was laughing halfway through.very glad i went actually.very very very very.:o)...what else did i do?i went and check my lesen L-im going to get it in a forthnight..which mean,i might get my driving licence by the end of this year.;o)..it means my 2 major goals for this year are already well on the way of completion.insya allah..:0)...Therefore,monday is going to be great.:o)

I dont discriminate,i hate all!

Sick,tired,bored,exhausted,despised,irate,disgusted.Not a very good emotions,arent they?these are my feeling.loads of toxic feeling.but who's to blame?my environment is extremely loaded with negative aura.people are in their worst behaviour and others just couldnt be bother.i zoned out almost all the time because it bogged me down emotionally.i hate small talks and despise people.great!now im judgmental,prejudice,narrowminded and full of the F words.oh yes,all my dearest,u are about to witness my dark side.see whether u can stand it.since my good nature is a humor to you.Enjoy!!!