I am like a lawyer, with the way i'm always trying to get you off (Me &You)-No more.

grey and black, who care?

why should i spend the entire night crying you off my mind?
why should you care?
why should you?
why?

why should you treat me like my feeling doesn't count?
why should you pretend you are there?
why should you pretend?
why should you?
why?

I am boring. that's what you think.
I am agreeable. that's what you think
I am serious. that's what you think
I am old. That's what you think
I am not your friend. that's what you think.

your friends.
they are young and stupid. you're clever
they are dumb. you're clever
they don't know much. you're clever
they like fun. you think you are it
they want exclusive. you think you are it.
they are lost. you think you are a saviour.
they are pretty things, i get that. you want to be it.
so, you reject me.
Because i am everything that they are not.

i can read you like a book.
predictable.
readable.
easy to guess.
easy to sway.

just because i didn't say anything
you go about faking "friendship".
well, stop.
i'm not buying "fake"

i don't want to be in a battle
to prove my worth
either you realise it or not,
it's entirely up to you.
i'm done here.

enough. yes enough.
you lost your privilege. with me.
run along.
i need my space... (s)




just a response from my watching "i miss u", a Korean drama. So full of emotions and unfairness i ended up crying.

Go On

 This is a new show in 702- astory about a guy who lost his wife in a car accident. He dont want to talk about his feeling, he dont want other people to offer sympathy, and he said to everyone that he already move on. So his company send him to a therapy so that it would help to let out his deep feeling. This group therapy will help to avoid build-up anger that is self destructive. He dont want to believe it.

i believe that it is a helpful method. When you have too many things bottled up, it will be your time bomb. waiting to explode and destroy everything. you get angry over many things, you feel like a victims, you feel wronged and maybe one of the days, you would unnecessarily hurt many people.

i noticed me. i have to let go of the toxics. i dont want to destroy myself and hurt people that i love.

Dear Self, please forgive me. i have caused you so much troubles. In Sha Allah, it will improve from now.

Pak Abu

"♥ Allah tahu hatimu perit menahan luka...
♥ Allah mendengar doa-doa dan tangisanmu meminta...

=Namun bukan kerana DIA tidak mempedulikan nasib hamba-hambaNya..
=Tetapi sebenarnya DIA sedang memberikanmu yang terbaik walau kamu sebenarnya yang tidak menyedari..
= Bukan senang untuk redha dan pasrah..
=Hati perlu kuat dan tabah.. 
=Yang pasti, "setiap yang berlaku ada hikmah" "

Melankolik sikit hari ini. Cengeng lah saya ni. dan semuanya sebab there's something about Pak Abu  that made me feel like crying again. 

Jika inilah yg terbaik, maka kita harus  belajar menerima 'ketiadaan" dia. Kerana sooner or later, dia pasti akan benar-benar hilang.

Belajar-belajarlah.

Tea Factor

I couldn't sleep.

I started to think that maybe tea is not my stuff. i have been having this nauseous and dizzy feeling after consuming a bag (meaning a cup) of Boh. Idont understand why i have that reaction whenever i took tea. uncomfortable to the max.

i forgot to bring the paper to be marked. no wonder i feel something is missing. I believe i have the entire next week (starting tomorrow) to mark all. Next  week is also among the busiest. Not as busy as any of my busy days but busy. Starting monday, i would have two classes in the morning. and in the afternoon, a briefing for accreditation. On tuesday, i have replacement at night. Wednesday i have class early in the morning and in the afternoon till 1630 hour. On thursday, i have research methodology workshop. Friday, i have one class in the morning. and i the rest of my free time, i'll spend to do the work for scholarship. Still so much of a busy girl. But not as busy as before. Thank god.

By wednesday, i hope, everything should be given to my students.

by Thursday or Friday, i should go and see Pak Abu asked him whether he would be willing to take my car into his care while im away on holiday. I dont have many friends that i can trust with my belongings. I dont like to simply leave it to other people because im not used to other people. Coming back to my trust issue. And again, it would be easier for me to leave my car to him, because it means that i dont have to ask someone to come and fetch me anywhere. Convenience for me. Convenience for him. Long standing friendship and trust. What more can i ask of him other than that? i learned from my previous experience. and i dont like it being passed around to just everybody or anybody-who in real life never ever had anything to do with me. Call me selfish, but arent we all when it comes to something we love?

By saturday, i would be out of town on the earliest bus to Miri. And few hours before midnight i'll be at home. With people that love me the most.

Cant wait for this week to end.

Marah

Im in a little bit of a mood swing today. Maybe it was the awful dream last night. The mood changes from sad to angry. i just cant figure out what's wrong. Then i got hit in the face. I was angry with myself, again for letting people take advantage of my readiness to help. i felt used and manipulated. i am bored that it is about to happen again. Basically, everything angers me.

As if everyone is freaking perfect, and unselfish. i am angry that i let that get to my head. i feel like throwing tantrums but forced to just endure. well, something isnt right here.

I am angry that i let some people used  me for selfish reasons. Haih, cover line la sangat. Lepas tu masa kecewa-kecewa, baru nak cakap, "actually we are blablabla". Damned it. You want to court someone, you go get that someone. Don't use me as a smokescreen! I have eyes and i can understand. I dont want to pretend like i dont know that. Arghh!!angry.

Maybe, for the time being, i really need to give myself some space. Go into the cave. Be alone. That would make me feel better.
#saya rasa sangat dikhianati.

Bullet Points

• Been hanging around the house again. Not in the mood to go out and about.

• It seems that im compensating for the lost "me" time. where i go home and not think about serious matters. Where i can just relax, watch tv or do anything i wish to do. I have many plans to do for my class. Just accomplished one today. I went out to the town and bought a speaker. Either im an egoist, couldn't bring myself to talk to my ex-bestmate who happened to be the one holding the lab's key or i want convenient. i want convenient. it will make things easy for me. and because, i dont have his number.see, my excuses? all for my convenient.

• Currently finishing up a book i bought last weekend.

• searching on the net for my research on communicative english

• Updating my FRP, diligently. 
• Next week, gonna start marking my students' assessment. 

• Going home for CNY. My baby brother dont want to talk to me because he said i have new baby. alaa, so sweet. :)
• finally talked to my ex-bestmate current girlfriend. it was easy. Time to forget him.
• for the first time in two years, i went and played volleyball. my arms, and neck  ached from the twisting and turning and hitting, but it felt wonderful.
• Im so in love with mature people, and found out that currently i am attracted to two persons. Can i have both? :)
• i'm happy and didn't realise it..:)
• Alhamdulillah

weight-losing programme

It seems that i get better at cooking. some of it are pretty much instant but i insist on cooking some of it. Last time, i had paratha filled with minced beef cooked in curry flavour. Today, i had paratha filled with chicken. There, it's the new way of forgetting  about eating rice. My weight has stabilised again to 55 kg. Previously, it has reached 57 kg. Though, just 2kg difference, but we are talking about progress here. Yes! Something is working right. a year ago, my weight is 50kg. So, tell me..who wouldn't panic to see that it has increased to 7kg?

i was laughing hard looking at the picture above.  Yes, the only thing i must drag myself to do now is exercise. No diet control would ever be successful without physical activity. i believe that's the answer. But right now i'm kinda lazy to do all the physical activity. one or two, then i get bored. Oh please, i want to get my old weight. i want to fit nicely into my clothes, some of them are out of question now..hahahaha

I have cut down on caffeine. instead of 3 cups in a day, the number has gone down to one cup during breakfast. At the moment, i didn't buy bread. Eating rice in a day has gone down to once a day. i try changing coffee to tea. I eat less sugary food, cakes, junk food (which i never really actually buy) Nasi lemak is also out from the list, KFC (in moderation), pastry has gone down to once a week. Everything must change. i have to get my old diet pattern.

Yes, i can do it!