Not another Adrian Mole

..or Adrianne Mole..

i have loads of things going on. Just as i thought i wouldn't be able to pull through, well, everything well that ends well.:o)

Although, it's too early to say, but what better things to do other than pushing hard and being optimistic in time of chaos? I have been managing quite well, and if i keep working hard, everything would be okay.

So, why Adrian Mole? Adrian is a boy who loves to exaggerate almost all aspects of his life. Some find it comical, some ironic. For me, i think that Adrian Mole is an embodiment of naivety-everyone experienced the stage at one point of life.Seriousness that laced with naivety.It is ironic for me because usually what was seen and understood in times of innocence were pretty much the truth.But as we grow up, we tend to disregard what we know/believe because what was realistic in an adult world is different from the younger one.We can't cope with seriousness, therefore we tend to laugh it off and pretend that everything is comical.


Adrian Mole is a suitable theme for my overwhelming feeling of happiness-by which i tend to exaggerate everything i see-in a good way,of course:o)

Clamouring

Some things to note...

First thing first, i need to improve my English. in my opinion, it is very shameful to write in bad English, if you are one of the persons teaching it. Supposedly, by now, by any standard, to come out with a well constructed english sentence should be easier than those who are not teaching in this field. Supposedly, we, as the people who had received extensive exposure on the subject should be a master of it. By now, any excuse you give pertaining to your capability is not acceptable. i am in dire needs to improve my english, before it gets even worse. it annoys me so much seeing people who supposedly a master in it(by looking at their academic background) marred it with their own incompetency in using the language. Therefore, i am going to start my improvement process by visiting language site in the net, and by doing exercises on my grammar books. it is always a challenge that can't be refuse.To Improve!

Secondly, i am experiencing the joy of being a woman. i was having a terrible mood swing lately. It started with a very moody feeling before it changed to an unexpectedly happy one. But the worst, my whole body was aching terribly. every inch of my body. i felt like throwing up and mostly sleepy and tired.the lesson from this is: only a girl has the privilege to experience these condition.and it is not easy. While we are at it, bear with it. Embrace it.

Thirdly, a kind of epiphany for me. But i'd rather keep it to myself. all i can say is, i was thinking too much, selfish, jealous and egoistic. i forgot that the smallest things connected the dots sometimes. But i rest my case. I'm happy with what i found.

Fourthly, i am happy for the ability to show true friendship to my friends. I am happy to just be there for him or her.I am happy i am able to express what i feel for them. i honestly love my friends.

I am busy with many commitments, but those commitments also made me happy:o)

Stressor

I felt so heavy these few days.

sleeplessness starts to haunt me again.too much thinking.sometimes too much tears.

i can't enjoy myself again. i am having doubts about my feeling again.

i hate it so much.

In life, there will be this one person that will always kill you just by being close to you. and i hate it because he made me cry again, and made me so unhappy.

Why can't you just let me go?

Reflection

In a long session of updating life..

Somewhat, when you look around, you'll realise what you have been missing.

Somehow, there's every hope in the most dire situation.

sometimes, all you need is a positive attitude, an open mind and a willing heart to understand life.

sometimes, it only takes effort to make everything better again.

Forget the unattainable, don't ponder the future so much, accept the situation at hand and try to make it best for the moment, and just smile at every possibility.

Most of the times, we are hurt by expectation, by memories and by our own set of thinking..

Annoyed

i dont have a very positive mind today.Annoyed for something that is beyond my control.

Today, i went home at about 1645 hours after i completed the tasks that i set myself to do. Out of the blue, i have this feeling of stopping by at Pusat Islam for Asar prayer. i never prayed Asar there unless i wanted to go out with my friend. And then afterward,went to the cafetaria for some kuih for dinner. i've skipped my regular coffee session with my good friend for 2 days already because i had a course.Seriously, that was the worst coffee i have tasted in two days in the course. i need a serious caffeine boost. A good one.

So, in my mind, the image of coffee-hot and fresh after shower would be heaven. But it seemed that today is the day i dreaded. as i finished bathing, the water suddenly turned into mud-oily like color. Very terrible feeling i had.

i was pissed off to read an email in the webmail saying that, it is an un-fixable problem for the time being. Damned it! It has been going on and on, and nobody seemed to be doing anything!For god's sake, no backup plan as well for something that is expected to happen again?!What have you people been doing all these while?

I know that, i am wasting my time getting angry about something that totally out of my control. But those people in control, what are they doing?!Why they didn't think of putting two and two together before they have this noble vision of increasing the population? So much for developing the nation!

Sweet Rainy Day :o)

i almost cant believe,
that my dream came true.
with only you, me, the rain and an umbrella.

Life is beautiful. Praise be to Allah.

(^_^)

Misi diteruskan!

kisahnya: aku sedang belajar setia. hanya kepada dia.

kisahnya: aku berjumpa semula dengan sang kekasih gelap yang tak menganggap diriku sebagai seadanya. kisahnya, pada waktu yang lepas, aku merasa terluka perasaan dan kecewa yang amat kerana aku sangat menyayangi dia, tapi tak boleh menzahirkan dengan kata kata dan tingkah laku. kisahnya, dia lebih menyukai orang lain berbanding aku. dan kisahnya lagi, dia berani meninggalkan aku untuk perempuan-perempuan lain yang lebih menggoda jiwa.kisahnya, saat aku penasaran kerana dirinya, dia menganggap remeh rasaku, dan beranggapan bahawa, aku kan tetap selau untuknya bila dia memerlukan aku.Kisahnya, dia pergi begitu sahaja, tak memandang mataku yang penuh rasa untuknya, dan tanpa mengambil kira hatiku yang pecah berderai, dan tinggalkan aku bermusim-musim lamanya. dan Kisahnya, dia kembali bertanya kasih yang sudah sekian lama dibiarkan sendirian menghadapi hari-hari luka.


kisahnya: aku menemui dia yang membuat hari-hariku lebih gembira. aku menemui dia, yang mengembalikan semangatku ke tempatnya. Aku menemui dia yang membuatku rasa seperti cinta pada pertama kali. kisahnya, dia membuatku percaya diri bahawa, hari-hari adalah hari-hari yang perlu dinanti bersama dia disisi. kisahnya, dia membenarkanku untuk percaya lagi.padanya.pada semua kemungkinan yang ada. pada semua keindahan. dia membuatku terlupa luka di hati, walaupun hatiku hancur kerana masa lalu. dia membuatku sedia untuk memberikan yang terbaik untuknya, menjadi yang terbaik untuknya. Dia membuat hari-hari suram bertukar menjadi warna-warna yang meriangkan. kisahnya, perlahan-lahan, aku jadi suka dia. ingin dia. Kisahnya, aku terlupa akan sang kekasih yang hilang bersama musim.

Kisahnya:bila aku memohon maaf pada sang kekasih yang hilang itu, aku mahu ia berakhir tanpa dendam. tanpa sengketa. tanpa harapan-harapan kosong. Kisahnya bila aku menemui dia, aku hanya ingin memastikan bahawa, aku sudah kebah dari mencntai dia. kisahnya, bila sang kekasih memegang erat tanganku, tiada rasa hati yang terusik. Bila dia melepaskannya kembali, aku jadi tak sampai hati memberitahu bahawa, aku sudah mulai suka dengan someone. hatiku sudah penuh dengan perasaan ku pada someone itu. Kisahnya:bila dia bertanya mengapa ada kedinginan dalam genggaman tangan itu, aku tidak mampu memberi jawab. mungkin kerana mengenangkan perasaan dulu.

kisahnya, aku jadi tak sampai hati. melihat dia menunjukkan rasa kasih, dan perhatian. aku jadi tak berani berbicara dihadapannya tentang orang lain. aku jadi kasihan untuk berterus terang. Kisahnya, aku jadi pura-pura.

Kisahnya, aku gembira kerana aku sudah move on dari dia. aku sudah move on!

Sudah Move On!:o)

Friendship is...

Friendship is always a question of trust. always.

that's why i prefer to be around people whom i can trust myself with, i can trust my feeling with and i can trust them. Not just some people who said quite a lot of unnecessary things, then go around and twisted it according to their whims and fancy.

Some people are just full of notions of what should be, how it should be. as if this world revolves around because of them. Which, to be honest is SICKENING.

Well, so what if i only have two good friends?

because i am happy with them.

because i TRUST them.

Nice to know that

Nice to know that you still can make me cry with all the sweettalks, but baby..I'm happy with someone else..


:O(

Happyness and Crazyness

As long as you are around,everything is gonna be alright:o)

Closer

i was crying because Natalie Portman was crying.

I was crying because, we usually didn't care about the small things that we did to one another. we only remembered it long after everything is done and finished for good.
We only understand the intensity of emotion well after everything become null and void.
We always wished the other person to be someone else, either that or we were just too egoistic to see the significance of the actions done.

i cried myself to sleep. Wake up the next morning with an ache in my heart. a yearning that need to be ignored. a regret for whatever it is that didn't work out properly.and what's the point in it to be in a relationship where you were hurting the entire time, and the only thing that connected to the other person were only thing that break you?

I pray to Allah for the strength to overcome my sadness. i don't posses the ability to fight for it anymore. Or to let my heart be torn apart by my very feeling.

I don't love you is a lie, but i love you is hurting.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My father

I am a person who love the sense of accomplishment.

I love it when i am able to complete planned tasks. I love it when i am able to do something i never done before. I love to be around friends who needed help. I love it when i can fulfill my promises. I love it when everything goes according to my plan, timing wise and all. i love the sense of accomplishment. and probably, that's where my stress comes from sometimes. When everything goes wrong, or i was not able to do things that i have planned.

When i was younger, before i left home, my father always insisted that we have to be this and that. We have to be at an exact place, at the exact time. We have to always follow that. Most of the times, we hated that. It was too much to expect and too much to do. my father never came later than me when he fetched me up at the airport when i went home. He never was late picking us up from school. Dinner must be at 6pm, and so did breakfast. At the exact time everyday. except on Sunday, where we will usually had brunch. When we were small, my father didn't buy TV, didn't buy anything for our entertainment. Instead our source of entertainment was the library. We were not allowed to go to our friend's house for my father said, it was not a nice thing to do. Although, we had heaps of toys, we wanted to play with other people-to the wrath of my father.

We practically grew up with the library. There was at least 2 days when dad drove us to the library, until all the librarian in town knew us and our schedule. By 6pm everyday, dad would ask where everyone was, and if anyone was not around, he would wait until the person was home. i remembered being lectured once, just because i came home late from school, and spent the time chatting with my friend outside the house. I remembered a lot of other things he did that i felt so grateful about.

my father is very outspoken, always being frank with us children(in regards to what he likes us to do, what not to do, how to behave), full of spontaneous sense of humour, but also very understanding and kind. i remembered once when i was working late one night-a part time job i had when i was in fourth year in uni-and i was mensing,was supposedly went back home with my friend. Because i was ashamed that something embarrassing might happened, i called him to pick me up. He came, and the first thing i asked was for a paper, so that it wouldn't stain the car seat. He just said that, it doesn't matter. it can be washed. At that time, i decided that my father is the only guy i can trust. I also remembered that he never complained about having to hold our bags for us when we went to the toilet during shopping session. i would have to say this because, my friend's father said that a guy should never hold a bag for anyone. My father is an exception.:o)

As we grow up, he becomes more like a friend than a father. Although, we have gone through so many turbulence, but i guess we are going steady. There are so many things that a girl could ask for, but a father is definitely priceless. Nobody is perfect, and it wouldn't be fair to judge him based on what he did or what he didn't do. I believe, we all done our best to live our life.


Now at the age of 27 years,i have so much in common with him. His time consciousness, his discipline, his diplomacy, his reasoning, his sense of humour(though mine is worst:o))his curiosity, his style and many other things.I realised that if it hadn't for him, i would just be another couldn't care-less soul who don't care for anything.i would just be another spoiled brat-correct that-useless spoiled brat with no real substance out to trouble anyone close.

Once my mum said: no matter what he did, you would always need him in life. He would always be an important part in your life.

And he is...

Hari

hari yang tiada kamu di muka suratnya,
hari yang tiada kamu di mana-mana,
hari yang tiada kamu di mimpi,
hari yang tiada kamu bersama,
hari yang tiada kamu dibayangnya,
Hari yang tiada kamu.

kosong.

Ajal, Maut, Jodoh dan Pertemuan

Kata seorang kawan:

Ajal dan jodoh itu sinonim. Kerana apabila sudah sampai masanya, ia akan datang dan pergi tanpa dapat dihentikan dan diundurkan seminit pun. Kerana Dia telah menuliskannya pada Luh Mahfudz.kita harus menerima dengan redha apa yang sudah tertulis. disamping berdoa agar apa juga pun yang datang biarlah yang terbaik untuk kita.
Kerana itu, berdoalah sekiranya dia adalah jodoh kita, terimalah dengan hati yang terbuka dan berlapang dadalah sekiranya ternyata dia tidak dituliskan untuk kita.

Dengan perasaan tawadhuk, dalam hati berkata: Allah selalu akan memberikan apa yang kita terima dengan berlapang dada.apa yang kita terima dengan redha,rela dan ikhlas. Lebih daripada apa yang kita dapat menerima dengan senang hati. Banyak bezanya antara gembira menerima dan menerima dengan redha, rela dan ikhlas. Cuma ianya sukar dijelaskan dengan bahasa biasa. kita harus berbicara dengan bahasa tuhan.

Redha adalah menerima dengan rasa syukur, ikhlas, rela serta berlapang dada.
Menerima dengan tangan terbuka adalah menerima dengan gembira.Banyak bezanya.

kerana itu, hati berdetik lagi:sekiranya jodoh sudah tertulis di azali, kita menerimanya dengan gembira. dan sekiranya jodoh itu hanyalah sekadar jodoh pertemuan, kita menerimanya dengan redha.

Amin...

Streams of positiveness

i am trying everyday to accentuate the positive!Everyday!

I am trying to be the best friend anyone can have: encouragement, openness, understanding, helpfulness, empathy, sense of humour, kind-no prejudice.

i am trying to be more appreciative of my times: do everything i can while i still have it.

i am trying to make my work life more enjoyable:find something new to add on, encourage creativity and be more practical. i have to have the edge as an educator. i have to have THE added values.

#these are all the points i got from my meeting with my superior. he was right, probably, i was immature and childlike in assessing my situation. This is just something that i have to go through, so that i may improve my decision making skills later in life, enhance the leadership quality.

i am trying my best to stay grounded. In short,i love mature people. older in mumber, and wiser in perspective.:o)

Say a little prayer

Today, i heard so many good things- so many happy things, yet there's a piercing sadness in my heart. maybe doubts, maybe helplessness.

For the first time in my life, i am praying for him. i am praying for me. i am praying for us.
I am praying that whatever happens will be the best for both of us.

I am prayerful for everything.

*i'm so much of a crybaby.:p

the joy of driving

"memandu dengan laju adalah perbuatan yang TIDAK COOL"

Bak kata Aziz dalam Pendekar Bujang Lapok: "Segala pokok bakau ko langgar daa..."

last night was a humbling experience. We should never consider getting into a car when the driver was a) woman b)very mad c)texting and driving at the same time d)calling/ talking in an aggressive manner AND driving at the same time. VERY DANGEROUS!
i was at the wrong place at the right time. I wanted to go home, and she wanted to go home as well. BUT, the thing was i didn't know that she was in the middle of heated argument with her so called "scandal".
when eventually we reached home, i felt so relieved..Pheww!

But i dont know if it can only be applied to a certain individual.

i was in a quite similar situation before. i was on my way back from some place sending a friend away on holiday. And at that time i was very sad, i was crying in my car. Full with emotion and driving at the speed of 120km/hour.But thank god, i was only racing at a long winding road.. and as i was still crying, when i reached the guard post, i wiped my tears, rolled down my window and talked to the guards, asking them their holiday plan, and wishing them a blessed hari raya. it was a weird thing to do, but calming at the same time. I felt glad because it meant i was able to control my emotion, and be okay again. Afterwards, the whole day started to fall back into places, and i forgot about my sadness..But again, different people coped with emotion differently.

i was thankful for this lesson. i would never ever drive like a lunatic. it is not a practical thing to do. it is dangerous. and it is childish. The joy of driving in the first place is that we are able to master the skill, being artful about the way we go about it, and always be considerate when we do it.

Thank you Allah for this experience.