superstitiously...

"Someone very close to you could let you down or disappoint you under this influence. Try not to take what they do or say personally, as it won't be intended as such. Find something positive to concentrate your efforts on rather than obsess about this betrayal or let down"

somehow i feel that i am too positive.i have been working harder than ever since then.i do everything i can put my hands to..i go everywhere so i have something to do.i watch everything screened on TV although i dont particularly like it. and act as if nothing hurt me, or disturb me. i dont want to think about anything.i dont want to care about anything. i am moving non stop.Trying to fade into the busy-ness.yes,i am obsessed on making myself feel better!
actually i feel hurt and let down.i feel betrayed and used.i feel cheap and lowly.And i am mad at myself for allowing unnecessary things to complicate my life.
i am angry because i allowed people to manipulate my feeling and my genuine interest.im angry for not being able to stick to my rules.

So, im using my anger and bitterness to up my game.to raise my standard one scale higher. my revenge is to ensure that i am better than my opponent.To always be better than them!
True Piscean cant resist the challenge of betrayal.No true Piscean will stick to people who do that to her.

i happen to be one.

It's complicated

it's been a while since i blog.i dont have the time. i dont know how to start writing.nothing to ponder upon.Classes have resumed, and there are things to complete.When i reached home in the evening, the bed looked inviting.and it was so relaxing watching TV.i am too stressed up to even think about a sentence.so, i decided to stop writing for a while.dont want to write junks.after all, at first my blog was meant as place for to reflect about my daily life, to write about things that i found interesting.to write things through my point of view.so, i want to maintain that atmosphere in my blog...though sometimes i do write junks.

my aim this semester is to work harder to improve myself and my style of teaching.last semester, i have been quite agreeable.This semester, i am going to spice things up a bit.i am exercising my ability to nag senseless in class, to get angry at my students, and to really be more dilligent in providing material for them to improve. i was frightened by the fact that some of the students do not even know the meaning of the word "submit".it was really a slap in the face. During the MSK, at the end of my slot with the students, i asked them to sing a song-with lyrics.They cant even pronounce the wording. I am really motivated to try and help improve their language ability.so, this semester i have a vocabulary expansion project-aim to improve their vocabulary-Insya Allah.This semester is also for proving to my boss that i can handle my students.He said iam a very agreeable person that it is impossible to see me being angry at my students.oh...i guess we'll see.

i went to Pusat Islam meeting.and ended up in a higher position than last semester. The problem is i dont really like my partner.who happens to be a "Chipsmore".She will disappear every now and then.seldom attend any programme.and very fond of asking other people to do her part. i already have a planning for my JK, but i dont know what will they say about my plan. I found out from last year's meeting that, some of these people are really rigid, and any new change will spark fire. so, until now, i havent said a word about it.Not until i figured out all parts of my plan.

Next week, my closest friend will start her long holiday.i wont see her until May/June.it's going to be a very long semester.and very boring days.I was looking at one of our photo together, and just realize what a happy person she is.She is my mentor for everything-classroom, PNP,some of my personal issues, some things that i couldnt tell anybody-she was a solid voice of reason.she always look at things differently.and i like her point of view.i like her as a person.im going to feel the lost.

Got a new friend.Ustazah from Kuching. She is attracted to one of the ustaz in Jab-and every now and then make it a point to tell me-that the Ustaz is attracted to me.Just so you know my dear friend...my standard is quite high for him to reach.he is not even there yet.Thank you.Sounds Cocky but hey...i have my own preference.;o).
weird thing...i shown her a picture of my Gentleman, and she commented that his face resembles my bestmate's.i was quiet for a long time.and realized that it was true.

and i went crazy crying myself to sleep.for the fact that i do missed my Gentleman.and for the fact that i lost my bestmate...and missed him as well.

kamu

kamu
takkan mengerti
dan takkan tahu
betapa
aku
mahu
kamu.
kamu tak mengerti
bahasa rindu.
kamu dan duniamu
kamu dan dirimu
aku dan diriku
yang terjatuh ke dunia kamu
harus rela
andai ada rasa aneh
yang belum bernama
sampai bila?
masa pun enggan beritahu.
kamu takkan mengerti
kerna
ku sudah cuba
mengikat hati supaya tak lari ke kamu
menggari tangan supaya tak sentuh kamu
dan dirikan tembok
dari ais
supaya terjarak dari kamu.
bayang kamu
masih ada
tapi biarlah tertinggal dalam mimpi
kamu takkan mengerti
kalau ku beritahu.

there goes my vision

i think im not in a fit condition.
i have a headache, and i dont know what caused it.
my body is terribly swollen in several part because of too much seafood.i have the craving for seafood these lately.and i thought if i just eat a few times, it wont do me any harm..and look what a mess i put myself into.headache, and swelling and red spot.it looks like i have to stick to medication for a while.and definitely no spicy and hot food for a while.but i can do without them.

hah,i was in a tight spot last week.i went to a majlis baca yassin at the new pengarah's house.One of the TP was there.and of course with all her comments and complaint about everybody, the majlis which supposedly finish at around 9.30pm, dragged until 10.45.it so happened that she was telling everyone about her planning for the better.and she also popped question about our current KJ-whether it is ok to appoint another ustaz from our jabatan to take the role of KJ.we didnt comment anything.though in my opinion, it's not for us to decide who is more fit to be a KJ.we, the laymen can only accept whoever is it that's going to be appointed as our immediate boss.of course i didnt say that to her..for news travel fast and anything you said can be said against you..so better keep quiet.
surprisingly, the next day the news had reached the KJ's ear.i dont know who is that idiot who have the gut of messing up with all these higher up people.i was really upset by that. KJ asked me whether it's true. and i said yes.i didnt add up anything.i was really taken aback by that.i really hate whoever it is that broke the news to him.our Kj was not in a happy mode all days, and to be put into a spotlight like that..heck baby!and he said that if everyone in our dept think that it is better for him to step down and let the other ustaz rules the office, it's fine with him...more quiet..What am i to say?!stupid stupid person who thinks it's cool to tell him that.

to tell the truth, i have quite like the new Tp.A Woman so capable that she is chosen to be a leader.Isnt that an inspiration?who insists on doing things the right way, and being able to carry out what she say..well, who wouldnt feel motivated by that?
However, i dont like the way she tells almost everybody of what she wants to do.Things that are supposed to be confidential such as the appointment of KJ, or how a KJ should live his personal life, or how everybody should follow whatever it is that she thinks is "right" for her.She is trying so much for people to like her and accept her, but she is doing it backward.so people dont understand her vision..or even her attitude.What's wrong with being simplistic but in the end you get what you want?

there goes my good opinion of her.i think that some things just do not measure up.but what,we laymen should do but accept?

Dead Boring

huh.
hello New Year.what a bright and shiny new year.havent been raining since the eve of 2010.sadly, nobody to share it with.all my friends are away for the new year and wont be here till monday.so, i have to endure a long and boring weekend lazying around in my house, trying to turn into " a garfield".hahaha

on the 1st of January.i woke up confused.Because it was friday.and on any other Friday..it is working day.so i frantically called my mum.then remembered that she might have attend the party at grandmother's house.and i frantically called my brother.asked him whether it was really a holiday.Laughingly, my brother said yes.and curiously asked where was i the night before...to woke up so late(it was 10.30am).Where was i supposed to be?of course in my house.im dont believe in celebrating a new year in whatever manner.i stayed home of course..my brother just laughed.huh, i was really nervous.what would i answered to my boss, if it was really a working day?hell and damnation.haha

i spent the day, settling chores i had put off from last week.i do some cleaning and washing, and eating..sounds dull but hey, it was a satisfaction.to have completed anything at all when you are in an extremely lazy mode.after everything was done, then i switched on my magic box.the TV...ended up watching the kungfu panda,which i found particularly spiritual.i just love the panda.i also love the turtle.sense of humor and wisdom-totally my sentiment.and the plot-where there is no secret ingredient to anything.the most powerful thing in this world is to believe in yourself.and because you are able to enjoy yourself just the way you are.

by night time, after having a quick dinner, i continue watching tv.this time a romantic drama.The title is "love is four letter words".the movie is about two divorce attorneys who attracted to each other.they found out later on that they are working on the same divorce case, and are working on the opposite side of each other. they couldnt deny the attraction, and in the end blew the case out of proportion when their clients found out about it.i like the story because they stand for each other.i understand their fear of marriage-with all the chaos and dramas.but if it were me, if i ever found a guy that's just right for me, i will always be ready to commit.if ever.

im thinking about something a friend said.that he said im not straightforward enough for him.and it got him pissed. he said that he dont know what will happen to my future husband,who according to him will have trouble communicating with me-
but baby, that's why i am single.because i havent found a guy who can accept me just the way i am. Of course, if i want to commit to someone, i will spend effort trying to improve my weakness for our own good.i am not marrying a moron who only see the negativity, the faults and the imperfection.and a moron who dont care much about other people.who wants me just for what i have..not what i am.but im gonna try anyway.it's time for plain speaking.

i cant wait for Monday.im done lazying around

The new year

it is a very meaningful 2009 for me.i experienced a lot of things that made me so happy, excited things, emotional things and sad. i learned alot, and hopefully for the next year, i will be able to apply it for the better.there are many things that spiced up my existence.physical and mental journey that had been very stimulating-whether it is sad or happy.
i would like to thank everybody for making every part of my 2009 interesting and worthy.
i would like to apologize for any wrongdoing i have done-whatever it might be.and hoping that everybody will forgive me for mine.i know i can be very emotional but thank you for being my friend.i already forgive and forget whatever it is that making me upset.i dont hold grudges.:o)
i would like to thank a particular person, whether he reads this or not..i dont know you that much.and i think that you really come from Mars..LOL
seriously, i like you.and im not sorry at all for whatever that has happened.i think you are nice, responsible, and can be a good friend if u are in the mood. but probably you need to add a little more sense of humour(u are just too quick to judge), a little more sensitive to feelings and stop feeling that you need to prove that you are worthy.because you are worthy of yourself.whatever it is you decide for your life, i wish you get the best.
i have 2 major goals for 2010.which i will update the progress from time to time.i dont want to say it.Insyaallah.

Wishing you all the best time to come, and whatever you dream of comes true.Bye for 2009.

Reflection

1. DUNIA INI SEMENTARA, ALLAH PENENTU SEGALANYA
Sentiasa menyedari bahawa hidup di dunia ini hanya lah sementara dan permainan sahaja. Kita hidup atas dunia ini hanya sekali, jadi kita tidak boleh mensia-siakannya dengan sesuatu yang tidak bermakna.
Ikhtiar yang disertai dengan niat yang sempurna itulah yang perlu ada. Perkara apapun yang terjadi, kita patut serahkan sepenuhnya kepada Allah Yang Maha Tahu agar menentukan yang terbaik buat kita.
Kita harus sedar betul bahawa, yang terbaik bagi kita menurut pandangan kita, belum tentu terbaik bagi kita menurut Allah Ta’ala.
Pengetahuan kita tentang diri kita atau tentang apapun amat terbatas. Sedangkan pengetahuan Allah menyeliputi segala-galanya. Sehingga betapa pun kita sangat menginginkan sesuatu, tetapi hati kita harus kita persiapkan untuk menghadapi kenyataan yang tak sesuai dengan harapan kita. Kerana mungkin itulah yang terbaik bagi kita.
Ingatlah bahawa, ALLAH itu Maha Adil lagi Bijaksana.
2. REDHA
Realiti hidup yang terjadi pada kita, kita kena terima dengan redha dan seadanya. Itulah kenyataan dan episod hidup yang harus kita jalani.
Emosional, sakit hati, tertekan, atau apa jua perkara yang membuat hati kita menjadi kecewa dan sengsara, harus kita tinggalkan. Ingatlah bahawa, samaada kita tertekan dan tidak gembira, atau kita tidak tertekan dan gembira, ia tetap begitu jadinya.
Maka adalah lebih baik kita redha dan terima apa yang berlaku dengan berlapang dada dan hati yang terbuka. Perit kita telan, manis pun kita telan. Nikmatilah pahit manis itu seadanya.
3. INGAT JANJI ALLAH
Meyakini bahawa hidup ini bagai siang dan malam yang pasti silih berganti. Tak mungkin siang terus menerus dan tak mungkin juga malam terus menerus. Pasti setiap kesenangan ada hujungnya begitulah masalah yang menimpa kita, pasti ada akhirnya. Kita harus sangat sabar menghadapinya.
Ujian yang diturunkan Allah kepada kita, pasti sudah ditetapkan dengan penuh keadilan. Tak mungkin ujian yang menimpa itu, melampaui batas kemampuan kita. Kerana Allah tak pernah menzalimi hamba-hambaNya.
Ingatlah bahawa, semua fikiran negatif dan emosi buruk kita hanya akan mempersulitkan dan menyengsarakan diri kita saja. Pujuklah h ati, agar kita tidak menekan diri sendiri. Hati dan fikiran kita dipujuk agar tetap tenang, tabah dan sabar.
Kita harus berani menghadapi mehnah masalah ujian demi ujian. Kita tak boleh lari dari kenyataan. Kerana lari nya kita itu tak akan menyelesaikan masalah. Bahkan ia sebaliknya hanya akan menambah permasalahan.
Jadi, semua yang berlaku harus kita hadapi dengan baik. Kita tak boleh menyerah mudah, kita tak boleh kalah menyerah.
Pastinya segala sesuatu itu ada akhirnya. Begitu jualah permasalahan yang kita hadapi. Seberat manapun ujian Allah pada kita, yakinlah dengan janji Allah Ta’ala : “Fa innama’al usri yusran, inna ma’al usri yusran”. Maka sesungguhnya bersama kesulitan itu pasti ada kemudahan, dan bersama kesulitan itu pasti ada kemudahan.
Janji Allah itu pasti benar. Kerana itu, apalah guna kita menekan diri.
4. PASTI ADA HIKMAH
Semua apa yang terjadi, samaada baik atau buruk, terjadi adalah dengan izin dan kehendak Allah Ta’ala. Dan pastinya Allah tak mungkin berbuat sesuatu dengan sia-sia.
Setiap sesuatu perkara itu, pasti ada hikmah disebaliknya. Sepahit mana pun derita yang kita tanggung, pasti ada kebaikan yang terkandung di dalamnya jika kita terima dan hadapi dengan sabar dan redha.
Cuba kita renung dan fikirkan, kenapa Allah mentakdirkan semua ini menimpa kita. Setidak-tidaknya ia adalah sebagai peringatan atas dosa-dosa dan kelalaian yang kita telah lakukan. Atau mungkin Allah mahu naikkan darjat dan kedudukan kita di sisi Nya.
Mungkin agak sukar untuk kita sedar kesilapan dan kesalahan yang telah kita lakukan. Namun, iktibar dari setiap ujian yang menimpa sebenarnya mencerminkan amalan dan tingkah laku yang kita lakukan.
Tak usah takut atau bimbang menerima kekurangan dan kesilapan yang kita telah lakukan. Yang penting, kita mesti berazam sungguh-sungguh untuk memperbaiki kelemahan yang ada. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Pengampun dan Maha Penerima Taubat. Muhasabahlah diri, bertaubat atas dosa dan mohonlah hidayah dan kekuatan daripadaNya.
5. ALLAH SAJA PENOLONG KITA
Kita wajib meyakini bahawa, walau seluruh manusia, jin dan semua makhluk atas dunia ini bergabung untuk menolong kita sekalipun, ketetapan Allah tetap akan berlaku. Semua usaha pasti tidak akan membuahkan hasil tanpa izin Allah Ta’ala.
Hati kita mesti bulat yakin sepenuhnya bahwa hanya Allah lah satu-satunya yang dapat menolong dan memberi jalan keluar terbaik daripada sebarang perkara yang terjadi. Allah Maha Berkuasa atas segala-galanya. Dialah pemilik dan penguasa segala sesuatu. Dialah yang mengatur segala-galanya.
Maka, kita harus bermunajat dan berusaha menagih simpati daripadaNya agar menolong kita. Mengadu dan dekatilah Allah dengan membuat amalan yang disukaiNya. Pohonlah hidayah, kekuatan dan pertolongan daripadaNya. Bebaskan hati dan diri kita daripada mengharap pada makhluk dan selain daripada Allah. Tagih dan pintalah pertolongan dengan sabar dan solat. (Sila baca mengenai FALSAFAH KUCING di sini)
Ingatlah firman Allah Ta’ala yang bermaksud ;
“Barang siapa bertakwal kepada Allah, nescaya akan diberi jalan keluar dari setiap urusannya dan diberi rezeki dari arah yang tak disangka-sangka, dan barang siapa yang bertawakal kepada Allah nescaya akan dicukupi segala keperluannya.” (QS [65] : 2-3