Im in a little bit of a mood swing today. Maybe it was the awful dream last night. The mood changes from sad to angry. i just cant figure out what's wrong. Then i got hit in the face. I was angry with myself, again for letting people take advantage of my readiness to help. i felt used and manipulated. i am bored that it is about to happen again. Basically, everything angers me.
As if everyone is freaking perfect, and unselfish. i am angry that i let that get to my head. i feel like throwing tantrums but forced to just endure. well, something isnt right here.
I am angry that i let some people used me for selfish reasons. Haih, cover line la sangat. Lepas tu masa kecewa-kecewa, baru nak cakap, "actually we are blablabla". Damned it. You want to court someone, you go get that someone. Don't use me as a smokescreen! I have eyes and i can understand. I dont want to pretend like i dont know that. Arghh!!angry.
Maybe, for the time being, i really need to give myself some space. Go into the cave. Be alone. That would make me feel better.
#saya rasa sangat dikhianati.
Jan 31, 2013
Jan 29, 2013
Bullet Points
- Been hanging around the house again. Not in the mood to go out and about.
- It seems that im compensating for the lost "me" time. where i go home and not think about serious matters. Where i can just relax, watch tv or do anything i wish to do. I have many plans to do for my class. Just accomplished one today. I went out to the town and bought a speaker. Either im an egoist, couldn't bring myself to talk to my ex-bestmate who happened to be the one holding the lab's key or i want convenient. i want convenient. it will make things easy for me. and because, i dont have his number.see, my excuses? all for my convenient.
- Currently finishing up a book i bought last weekend.
- searching on the net for my research on communicative english
- Updating my FRP, diligently.
- Next week, gonna start marking my students' assessment.
- Going home for CNY. My baby brother dont want to talk to me because he said i have new baby. alaa, so sweet. :)
- finally talked to my ex-bestmate current girlfriend. it was easy. Time to forget him.
- for the first time in two years, i went and played volleyball. my arms, and neck ached from the twisting and turning and hitting, but it felt wonderful.
- Im so in love with mature people, and found out that currently i am attracted to two persons. Can i have both? :)
- i'm happy and didn't realise it..:)
- Alhamdulillah
Jan 27, 2013
weight-losing programme
It seems that i get better at cooking. some of it are pretty much instant but i insist on cooking some of it. Last time, i had paratha filled with minced beef cooked in curry flavour. Today, i had paratha filled with chicken. There, it's the new way of forgetting about eating rice. My weight has stabilised again to 55 kg. Previously, it has reached 57 kg. Though, just 2kg difference, but we are talking about progress here. Yes! Something is working right. a year ago, my weight is 50kg. So, tell me..who wouldn't panic to see that it has increased to 7kg?
i was laughing hard looking at the picture above. Yes, the only thing i must drag myself to do now is exercise. No diet control would ever be successful without physical activity. i believe that's the answer. But right now i'm kinda lazy to do all the physical activity. one or two, then i get bored. Oh please, i want to get my old weight. i want to fit nicely into my clothes, some of them are out of question now..hahahaha
I have cut down on caffeine. instead of 3 cups in a day, the number has gone down to one cup during breakfast. At the moment, i didn't buy bread. Eating rice in a day has gone down to once a day. i try changing coffee to tea. I eat less sugary food, cakes, junk food (which i never really actually buy) Nasi lemak is also out from the list, KFC (in moderation), pastry has gone down to once a week. Everything must change. i have to get my old diet pattern.
Yes, i can do it!
Jan 24, 2013
Of the people i love
i appreciate quiet time. doing my own things. staying indoor.
i am cleaning a room for my brother, now that he is very near. putting off things i dont need and making it ready and accessible. Accessible being the operative word because i used to put loads of things there, my scarves, my PES 1 is there. the room is practically full of things. So, maybe, i'll be needing boxes to put away all those things. i need a new standing fan because the overhead fan can't be use anymore. i used to sleep in that room whenever i find it hard to sleep in the master bedroom. Sometimes, i get paranoia with the master bedrooom when i couldn't sleep and started to feel like getting hysterical in the room. So funny to think back now, but that was when i am still so much in heartbroken state. Maybe mum was right when she said that the room feels better because i pray there. Now that i'm ok, i sleep like a baby. I don't care anymore for what happened in the past.
when my other brother was here, he helped me to fix my bathroom door, which happened to be almost unhinged. i came back from work one afternoon and it was all in order. So grateful for the people who love me. He helped me fix the cord for drying clothes at the balcony and helped me removed all the stuffs left by the person before me. It was three years ago, and it was just being removed in 2012. so much of helping i need. and glad that they are here to help. i feel happier thinking that i wont be all alone this year, and at least i have someone to turn to. This year is going to be a different turn.
Pak Abu did something so heartwarming this week. im on emergency leave on monday. So my students phoned me to say that the lecturer that was supposed to take over my class hadn't show up yet. I didn't know who to call, so i called him. He didn't pick up. after awhile he called and i started stumbling all over for words to explain. Later, he texted me asking whether i'm okay or not. I found that it was very nice of him to ask. But forgot to thank him. i am still so much a sucker for kindness. Thank u Pak Abu. A good friend you are.
Something i have to remind myself: have to stop hanging out with some people. Simply because i dont want to complicate things. it seems that one is down. i don't want to repeat what happened in the past. Let's make the boundary clear, "no complication is tolerable" ground is on. Sorry dear friend. i am somewhat a conventional lady. i don't want to be seen with some other people's fiancee/ boyfriend / etc.
i guess, at the moment i should be thanking all of the good people who, in ways, help me move along with life. i am always the kind of person who love the small things people do to me or for me, things that move me in a way only i can appreciate it.
Believe me it means so much.
i am cleaning a room for my brother, now that he is very near. putting off things i dont need and making it ready and accessible. Accessible being the operative word because i used to put loads of things there, my scarves, my PES 1 is there. the room is practically full of things. So, maybe, i'll be needing boxes to put away all those things. i need a new standing fan because the overhead fan can't be use anymore. i used to sleep in that room whenever i find it hard to sleep in the master bedroom. Sometimes, i get paranoia with the master bedrooom when i couldn't sleep and started to feel like getting hysterical in the room. So funny to think back now, but that was when i am still so much in heartbroken state. Maybe mum was right when she said that the room feels better because i pray there. Now that i'm ok, i sleep like a baby. I don't care anymore for what happened in the past.
when my other brother was here, he helped me to fix my bathroom door, which happened to be almost unhinged. i came back from work one afternoon and it was all in order. So grateful for the people who love me. He helped me fix the cord for drying clothes at the balcony and helped me removed all the stuffs left by the person before me. It was three years ago, and it was just being removed in 2012. so much of helping i need. and glad that they are here to help. i feel happier thinking that i wont be all alone this year, and at least i have someone to turn to. This year is going to be a different turn.
Pak Abu did something so heartwarming this week. im on emergency leave on monday. So my students phoned me to say that the lecturer that was supposed to take over my class hadn't show up yet. I didn't know who to call, so i called him. He didn't pick up. after awhile he called and i started stumbling all over for words to explain. Later, he texted me asking whether i'm okay or not. I found that it was very nice of him to ask. But forgot to thank him. i am still so much a sucker for kindness. Thank u Pak Abu. A good friend you are.
Something i have to remind myself: have to stop hanging out with some people. Simply because i dont want to complicate things. it seems that one is down. i don't want to repeat what happened in the past. Let's make the boundary clear, "no complication is tolerable" ground is on. Sorry dear friend. i am somewhat a conventional lady. i don't want to be seen with some other people's fiancee/ boyfriend / etc.
i guess, at the moment i should be thanking all of the good people who, in ways, help me move along with life. i am always the kind of person who love the small things people do to me or for me, things that move me in a way only i can appreciate it.
Believe me it means so much.
Jan 23, 2013
Nice, Quiet and Loving it
Alhamdulillah. for so many small adjustments that are opening up spaces and rooms to breath.
Yesterday, there was a meeting with number three. So i went up there with the intention to fight stubborn with stubborn. I think it's about time to really be decisive about life. To think carefully about what i want instead of what other people want to be done. So i came cautiously, knowing what it was at stakes and tabled my own counter proposal. looks like i get what i want. But i was given the ultimatum, whether to stay with my (ex) current post and let go of my student's affair post, or stay with student's affair and lost the quality officer post. Gladly i chose the second option. i believe that, i am better off without quality. and because i started to love HEPP so to say. Furthermore, i understand that, there's a professional needs to find someone with strong ISO background. What i knew was laymen's way of doing things and might not be fit with the standard requirement. People who have the experience would do it according to the standard procedure. So, yes. There's every need to find someone who is in line with that. I am happy with what i have, and found that i have many spaces in my head for other things. my boss at student's affair said, that he was glad i didn't choose the first option. He said, when i came out from number three's office smiling, he thought i've already accepted the first option. But i didn't. Thank you for the silent support boss, really appreciated it.
For example, i've finished with my questions of which i found it so hard to do before.
So, for this year. i aimed to do these things, In shaa Allah:
a) Article Review
b) Research
c) Join in Jabatan's activity-i have one in mind actually-co-penyelia projek, some other projects that might come up.
i feel that happier older time is coming back to me. Though at the moment, i am still dazed by my own happiness.
Alhamdulillah, thank you Ya Rabb for removing some of my burden of responsibility. Alhamdulillah.
Yesterday, there was a meeting with number three. So i went up there with the intention to fight stubborn with stubborn. I think it's about time to really be decisive about life. To think carefully about what i want instead of what other people want to be done. So i came cautiously, knowing what it was at stakes and tabled my own counter proposal. looks like i get what i want. But i was given the ultimatum, whether to stay with my (ex) current post and let go of my student's affair post, or stay with student's affair and lost the quality officer post. Gladly i chose the second option. i believe that, i am better off without quality. and because i started to love HEPP so to say. Furthermore, i understand that, there's a professional needs to find someone with strong ISO background. What i knew was laymen's way of doing things and might not be fit with the standard requirement. People who have the experience would do it according to the standard procedure. So, yes. There's every need to find someone who is in line with that. I am happy with what i have, and found that i have many spaces in my head for other things. my boss at student's affair said, that he was glad i didn't choose the first option. He said, when i came out from number three's office smiling, he thought i've already accepted the first option. But i didn't. Thank you for the silent support boss, really appreciated it.
For example, i've finished with my questions of which i found it so hard to do before.
So, for this year. i aimed to do these things, In shaa Allah:
a) Article Review
b) Research
c) Join in Jabatan's activity-i have one in mind actually-co-penyelia projek, some other projects that might come up.
i feel that happier older time is coming back to me. Though at the moment, i am still dazed by my own happiness.
Alhamdulillah, thank you Ya Rabb for removing some of my burden of responsibility. Alhamdulillah.
Jan 19, 2013
The thing i have to do
i give up doing this essay question. i don't know what it means by 6 items, 25 marks. But the division is either you have 3 questions with 25 marks / 2 questions with 25 marks. so item is referring to what? One item 25 marks, meaning 1 set or 1 set of 25 marks, 6 questions in it???Huh.desperation and depression.
Just hope that it would be done by the time im leaving tomorrow or i have to bring all of my gadgets with me.
Working on it diligently since wednesday, and so far managed to create 2 questions only.
Jan 18, 2013
Seeking for my normal self. alone.
Raining cats and dogs.
I feel relieved that the Surveillance Audit is done. Though the result is pretty much similar with the last, but at least some of the process we managed to clean up. For example P&P. I am a person with low expectation o things, but i guess i didnt do it whole heartedly. i did what i can. and alone. Given the fact that i didn't really have the help i needed, then one NC and 5 OFI is good for me. Alhamdulillah. definitely a point to be thankful for. To quote the auditor: it has improved.
My brother got accepted for Kolej Kesihatan Awam, meaning that he would undergo a training for two years, and in sha Allah be working by 2015. Alhamdulillah, another point to be thankful. At least, we are not the rich kids who live on mummy and daddy's wealth. Anymore. Some of our cousins and relatives always refer to us as that. It doesn't matter. They just don't need to know our story. It's for us to know. At least, mummy and daddy are happy that they wont have to worry about our future anymore. Alhamdulillah.
A bunch of friends asked me to go out and eat in the evening. I didn't go. i just dont feel like going out and laugh out loud with people who might not understand my feeling, and continue as if it doesn't matter. After all the mental exhaustion, i dont feel like discussing anything. i don't like listening to people commenting on this and that, being here and there while they actually just want to show me how much they dont know. it is no fun feeling irritated.i m just not in the mood to entertain ignorance of fact.. i don't know. maybe i'm bored of the fact that people like to spice things up according to their preferences. i just need to be alone. Some time alone to be normal again.
i'm tired. of people.at the moment.
I feel relieved that the Surveillance Audit is done. Though the result is pretty much similar with the last, but at least some of the process we managed to clean up. For example P&P. I am a person with low expectation o things, but i guess i didnt do it whole heartedly. i did what i can. and alone. Given the fact that i didn't really have the help i needed, then one NC and 5 OFI is good for me. Alhamdulillah. definitely a point to be thankful for. To quote the auditor: it has improved.
My brother got accepted for Kolej Kesihatan Awam, meaning that he would undergo a training for two years, and in sha Allah be working by 2015. Alhamdulillah, another point to be thankful. At least, we are not the rich kids who live on mummy and daddy's wealth. Anymore. Some of our cousins and relatives always refer to us as that. It doesn't matter. They just don't need to know our story. It's for us to know. At least, mummy and daddy are happy that they wont have to worry about our future anymore. Alhamdulillah.
A bunch of friends asked me to go out and eat in the evening. I didn't go. i just dont feel like going out and laugh out loud with people who might not understand my feeling, and continue as if it doesn't matter. After all the mental exhaustion, i dont feel like discussing anything. i don't like listening to people commenting on this and that, being here and there while they actually just want to show me how much they dont know. it is no fun feeling irritated.i m just not in the mood to entertain ignorance of fact.. i don't know. maybe i'm bored of the fact that people like to spice things up according to their preferences. i just need to be alone. Some time alone to be normal again.
i'm tired. of people.at the moment.
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