Benefit of the doubts

How to best say this?
i couldnt write or think. For few days now, i was feeling a little disturbed. My senses are numb.i feel disoriented, lost and confused. I am emotional and very much a cry baby. I feel ignored and i dont know what went wrong.
i believe i let my impulsivenes led the way. i made a spur at the moment decision.and never once did i regret it.i just am not ready for an unexpected consequence. to tell the truth, regret was not one of the emotions i feel.but hurt...yes.
Before it actually happens, i have already thought about all the things that will come afterwards.and i know that whatever the situation is, it wouldnt be similar to the situation beforehand.and i was partly ready for it.i know that this would be casual thing and nothing more.To be realistic, this was just a chance to take advantage of what one another might offer.im ready to believe everything because i trust.im ready to believe because i think it was a genuine friendship.im ready to believe because i want to know whether certain people are as good as their words.Well, there's no such thing as the perfect plan.and there is no such thing as "as good as their words".none.
as rationality seeps in, i think im sad because i think i fell for the person-when in actual world, i was just confused and mistaken my feeling as something deeper.i wanted so much to believe that this was something better when actually it was just a testing ground for both party.and that it doesnt mean anything. i confused my feeling, because everything was so new, and i dont know what to do. That's why i feel miserable and terrible because i dont know what to do.and nobody assured me that everything would be ok. and im not sure whether the friendship thingy is still in..or whether it was just a flimsy pretense.
Like always, every single thing that happens will past.so does the burden of emotion.will past.leave it and let it fade.as the time of speaking, i really begin to develop stronger feeling for that someone, but hey..the last thing i want is to be a pushover.i just know when enough is enough.
im just a simple minded person, who believe that everybody is as good as they seem to be.and im always willing to test my own doubts on people,i just dont want to believe anything that i didnt witness or experience on my own. The backlash is, not everyone is worthy of your trust. Not everyone cares about you, and they might just do anything regardless of how you feel about it. i guess, it is better for everyone to forget it.Forget all.Forget and start at point one.Forget everything to its core. Forget that there was a "you" and "1" at all. Erase everything.if only it is that easy...