The art of silence

im in a state of terribly missing someone.

Terribly missing this person but i just don't know what to say to get the conversation going.
I'm afraid that what i say wouldn't come out right. i suddenly feel shy when it comes to this person. Dead end. I'll have to start speaking to him or i'll lose him.

i miss talking to him. i miss being friend with him.

How to break the ice?

argh, the agony!

The new scheme

there are lots of hypes and hues about the scheme. Before i went off for the first time, i had been reading about the conditions. truthfully, i have no problem with the scheme.

Firstly, since i was in school, the talks about having to compete to get a job were ongoing. The business of getting on in this world has long been an impersonal one. So this scheme-where everything would be based on evaluation, performance and competence are actually an obsolete concept, which is adopted into the service by the authority. In my opinion, people who had gone through SPM Terbuka, Merit and such should understand the nature of this new scheme. You have to be the best in order to stay relevance. In short, in other word, we could call this a globalisation of an organisation on root base. This would help transform the way the human capital works, i guess. the scheme is a rebranding of some sort.

Secondly, i disagree with the opinion that the only good thing in the scheme is the salary part. There are many.But again, that will depends on individuals' perspective. If in the first place your target is to get a secure job with lots of fringe benefits and money, then there you go. You don't need to blame the scheme for trying to get you to actually do your works.

Thirdly, when i first read the scheme a few weeks back, the first thing that come to my mind: well now many people would be a great actor because they would need good review from several people for their LNPT. Human nature is easy to predict. Some would scoff, some would praise and some would be the source of destruction. So, your LNPT would get compromise a lot more than is necessary. Now that's not a healthy way of thinking. Again: if you have integrity, you will have nothing to lose. Nothing at all. again, this is what i like about the scheme. It builds on team work and human a.k.a professional relationship.

there are just so many donts, wonts, and couldnts and the scheme havent started yet. We are so used to the older laid back scheme that we want to live in it forever. Well then, this must be a good reason why it is invented in the first place-to wake up the sleeping fat snake. Snake being the operative to point out how stagnant we have become.

Positive and challenging. Unless, all these while, you have not been doing what you are supposed to do.

Shopping!!!!!

Shop along!

i did a few shopping. Although, not many but costly.

Firstly, i bought a watch. a darker shade of orange. Initially, i pick a red coloured watch but because i found it complicated, so i bought the orange one. i am already in love with it.

secondly, i bought a much anticipated handbag. a more seriously grown up style. My sister helped me with the choosing part. A black one. normally, i would not buy a black coloured hand bag, but i like going out from my comfort zone. i like it.i can picture a notebook, my makeup bag(or maybe i could reduce that to just gloss/liner/powder later), phones, purse, and a pen. they would fit just nice.:D

Thirdly, perfume.This is the most exciting part for me. i love collecting perfume. just as much as i love buying shoes. Though i haven't buy any shoes yet. Im still considering whether i should buy one.hmm. the funny part is-it is very hard for me to find something that really attracts me. when it comes to shoes, i have to have an uninterrupted session so that i could choose. my shopping sessions were either accompanied by my brothers or mum. so i didnt have the time to check out all. So i didn't buy any for fear of regretting it later.

Im also still considering between a samsung or Nokia phone-which i think i should buy because my phone is already an age beaten up one..

I miss my car so much. i am thinking about it day in and out. How is she?Is she well taken care of?I hope.

One thing is very interesting to note: i shop mostly for my little brother: baby shampoo, baby bath, all the toys, the clothes, and perfumes. But i just couldnt help it. I got excited for no reasons.hehe.i love seeing him happy. i love the feeling of sharing what i have. Now, that prompted the question from my mum again: when are u going to marry? with no answer..

Nevertheless: please do the spending in moderation. It won't do to beg for money from other people. OR depending on the Card to survive the frenzy. Or to die of starving because of careless spending.

Not trying to show off what a lifestyle we have. Just to manipulate the functionality-in short:to fulfill the needs.

Thank you for the sensiblity, Az..:D

Sakit Jiwa

Mode:sakit hati dengan semua orang.

Benci lakonan-lakonan tahap grammy award ni.Sangat benci.

hari ini. Sakit hati kerana memikirkan kebodohan diri sendiri dan orang-orang yang tak tahu menghargai orang lain.

Benci.

Jangan pura-pura baik sangat. itu sangat menyakitkan hati.

My Little brother

*my little brother has certainly inherited our sense of humours. crazy brothers who could come up with many crazy ideas, could play along innocently to his tunes and also loving and lovable at the same time.

*everyday he shows what he learned, and everyone is careful to not say negative words for him to listen to. Happily corrected his brothers for using the word "bodoh"-tak boleh!He said.

*He laughed at the most simplest things, fast in learning (as indicated on the pic above)and quite sensitive(cried when Jumbo si gajah biru cried for his mummy)

*Raised to be a gentleman-mum was sleeping uncovered when he took a blanket and covered her with that blanket. Also, declined (unexpectedly) from accepting the money my grandmother gave to him..

*every morning sent my mum to the door with "bye mak and hati-hati"..and reminded me not to drive laju-laju when i was driving my brother's car.

*Very hygenic and vomit at any sight of uncleanliness and bad odour.

*very conscious about his look.:o)

i missed the growing up part, but i'm impressed with what he become.

Although sometime he would be quite handful to handle, but that is what a child is. Give him the advantage of age. here is where we should consider the age factor.

Otherwise, he is such a dear. I Love Him THIIIIIIIIIIIIS Much.
Lame, but who cares?:o)

Home Sweetie Pie

I am enjoying my blissful holiday with my family, attending family gathering or simply walking to pasar malam. i won't say without any responsibility. I am responsible as a daughter and sister. Basic. I get involved or rather on purpose participated in siblings' quarrel-nothing worse-gaduh-gaduh manja type of things-because i enjoyed it. i feel that nothing has changed.Mum still pretty much treats me like i am 17. my brothers are still fun to be around with. At least that the last year i spend with mum-when i was 17. ten long years ago.:o)

Mum is feeding me with all the food that are hard to resist-on request or not.i eat like i have not been eating for years.i appreciate the love, and it taste lovely too. who would and could resist it?Not me. And as a bonus, my grandmother is here. i was living with her when i was small. She is among the closest persons to me, and practically watched me grows up.So,at noon i have to eat lunch to accompany her, and again at dinner.

The truth is: i miss this normal feeling of being simple and no concern about a thing.i had not had this feeling for a long time. Now that everything is okay again, my feeling is coming back to me. the healthy feeling of being able to accept myself. my self confidence is back, so here i am. basking in the moment.Thank you Lord.

My brother got married on Saturday. and my cousins-whom i would say meant well- asked me when they can meet their future cousin in law. With every confidence, i answered: not anytime soon, because i am still single. That is a liberation. Being able to tell the truth. i dont want to misled anyone with empty words. I am a confident girl, and being alone without any boyfriend is no crime.It is a liberty. i have had enough of lies, or liar. if i would stop it. It should start with me.I don't need sympathy.But they insisted on offering sympathy, so i played along:o)

I just gone through so many things the second half time of the year. and things could get worst in the future, but i pray and give my complete surrender to Allah.May Allah make easy my endeavour. I never wish bad things to happen to other people, still many bad things come my ways.But it is a test of character. As long as i know what i am doing,it doesnt really matter what other people do.I believe in karma.and i also believe in God's mercy. I'll just do the best i can to be better. Insyaallah

I pray for Allah's mercy and blessing.May Allah bless my two good friends for standing besides me through the hard times. He is the best dispenser of affair.

My secret place

today is an extremely cold day in Mukah. rain is pouring nonstop, and my mind is thinking about hot pisang goreng, coffee, sweater, blanket and all that warm things.However, the sky is bright and welcoming, and somewhat black is not a colour that can be associated with it. Such a warmth feeling inside.

i went to my secret place to enjoy the vista on the way there, but had conveniently forgotten my cam..so after spending about two hours there, i drove around a bit before headed home. the wind made me shiver, and i decided to be at the comfort of my house. finally a real December in Mukah.with all the rain, and the season greetings in the air.such a bliss.

how it reminds me of home.
The chill of the wind, the shivering, the open sky, the rain and all.

Im definitely in holiday mood.

My secret place didnt really offer anything i like. No Mills&Boon and Harlequins, nothing that i can found in my hometown's library.it is spacious, full of political, historical and general reading. But in terms of leisure reading, perhaps they need to add up a bit. Not many people were there also. It is a quiet place, and should i say deserted?

I really miss home. i miss the merriment of December. i miss the atmosphere.i miss the people.

i remembered a conversation with my close friend about my secret place: where he laughed it out loud. he is also on a "secret project" with his friends today jokingly terming it as "projek rahsia pergi library dgn kawan-kawan". that's sweet.:D
and suddenly i kinda miss him too, thinking that i wont see him until after Christmas. I hope he is having fun with his "projek rahsia" as well..:D

The last day of the week

Im super excited-thinking that next week i would fly home for a much awaited long holiday. I love the travelling part. Yes! i got back my adventurous spirit. Yes! i am happy. and Yes! i love my life. I have gone through so much that i need a break from my current role play. I am going back to my bolt hole! Happy!Happy!Happy!

Life nowadays only involving people who matter to me. Everyday, i make it a point to show off my stance-in keeping my space exclusive to certain people only. These certain people who had proven that they are worth the friendship. i make no pretense about that. I am a very sensitive girl, and i cant and wont accept less than what i offered to people in return. i dont need people who need to choose between me and their interests. Baby, i'm an individual package- you take it or leave it. It doesn't matter to me.

I am much happier now because i stop rationalising my actions. i stop listening to people. making my space exclusive enables me to stay grounded. Really, sometimes, other people are not that perfect. They just know how to pick the scapegoat for their imperfectness. I make it my point to NOT care a bit.

oh yes. it's Friday-and that also make me happy.

The Exception to General Rules

Finally a 3-day surveillance audit comes to an end today-with more than mixed feeling. Some feel that there are many rooms for improvement.some feel that a noncomformance status is a well deserving status to be given. Some feel that 6k is too expensive a price to even receive unfavourable result. But to think it from a positive side, perhaps what we need is an expensive experience so that next time, we could pull through much better than we already tried. What we have to bear in mind, is that whatever result we get in the end is an opportunity for improvement, be it favourable or unfavourable. This is indeed a lesson towards betterment-as a wakeup slap to our faces that it is definitely a high time to up our game.

Indeed.

Personally, it is a very eye-opening experience for me.it highlights many aspects, work wise, perspective wise and attitude wise. it gets my thought going on my leadership ability, on efficiency and decision making process. this is more than just banking on the academic qualification, it's more towards human resource skills in general and my ability to perform my duty/responsibility in the required aspects. My attitude towards what i do.
Obviously, we learn more by doing and observing than just listening blindly to what other people have to say. More often than not, what we listen from other people are already marred by their own perspectives. a much welcome training, i would say.It is such an honour to work with a well trained auditor-one who gives loads of inputs on skills and perspective-professional judgment, and who always, despite on her professional obligation, always emphasize on humane consideration and not just the mechanic of things.

i love one point she mentioned: there's always a time for the "benefit of doubts". not all things are the way they seemed to be, and you have to consider and compromise once in a while. I love the maturity of her judgment. I learn a great deal on attitude as well. this is definitely an exception to the general rules for me:For her to be able to make a very considerate professional judgment.That's why in the first place, we get 2 NC and 9 OFI-otherwise, we are actually qualified for more.

Although, this one might come as a heavy penalty to many, but for me, whatever the result is a well deserving result-based on the evidences presented. As a young institution, we have to learn to shoulder some of the responsibility. Hopefully, next time we would be more prepare and not just talk big about everything. We dont need something that look beautiful on paper, but when it comes to execution, it becomes haywire.

This is definitely a challenge-more of a psychological challenge rather than procedural challenge. We have the procedure, but lack the weight to actually carried it out into meaningful action.

Of Broken Hearted

"From the bottom of my broken heart, there is a thing or two i'd like you to know.."

Who wouldn't remember the feeling of being in the dump, mopping and be melancholy about most things? All those sleepless nights, the uneaten food, the suffering of having to go through endless hours of grieving? Yet, still have to smile in order to please all those people who wouldnt, couldnt and didnt have any idea at all how torn apart the heart was? Nobody plans to be in the agony of loving and losing something.

When a friend shared how broken hearted she is, i can only listen sympathetically. I know how hurt you can get, how downhearted and how the pain was killing you inside.
i could not just disregard her feeling, i couldnt just said please get well soon. Because it is not a physical disease, but a psychological one-where it influences all your other bodily function. it is real tough when it comes to emotion.

The Mechanism of coping with broken hearted differed from one person to another.

There's not any suitable advice to a broken hearted person. No matter what you said, she couldn't register it.

I was sorry for her, but there is no use to postpone the grieving forever. You have the choice to be happy or be miserable. Wiser because of experience, i was thankful. Sad feeling makes me appreciate happy times i have with people who appreciate my friendship, who was there for me when i was in the dump. I was thankful for the experience. Very very thankful indeed. For the friends that come and always there, when i am happy and sad, and for those who give new meaning to my now much happier and fulfilling life. I understand her feeling and would never disregard how it feel. But, i would rather be happy and be thankful that Allah destined these people to be in my path so i learned to put my trust carefully. I pay a very expensive price for my happiness but i get something better in return:o)

Though, sometimes memories are coming without warning, but they are just memory-they cannot harm you unless you allow them to.

Anything i said would be cliche.I chose to listen without further judgment because i knew how it felt when nobody wants to listen to your sadness.

Ya Allah, i pray for your Mercy to protect me from bad feelings, to guide me to see the good things in life, and to guide me in my decision, Without Your Mercy, Lord, I will not be able to stand through anything. Amin

Ceritera Cinta

Bertanya sang bayu padaku
Mengapa kau masih disitu
Tiadakah jemu kau menunggu?
Oh…

Dan buat seorang perindu
Penantian hanyalah waktu
Di kamus hatiku tiada istilah jemu
Oh..

Hentikanlah saja jenaka bermadah
Biasa terlalu sering ku dengar
Ceritera cinta tiada berubah
Hanya mimpi yang indah
Akhirnya nanti kecewa

Bukalah sedikit hatimu
Kenali siapa daku
Perit ku pendam rasa hati
Malu mengakui

Tanpa mahu mengakui kau pun dihati
Diluar sedar kau ku rindui

Penantianmu/ku hanya ruang waktu
Tiba masa kan terbukti cintaku

Tak mudah percaya pada pengakuan
Aku dihatimu yang tersayang

Hentikanlah saja jenaka bermadah
Biasa terlalu sering ku dengar
Ceritera cinta tiada berubah
Hanya mimpi (hanya mimpi)
Akhirnya nanti kecewa....

Raining rainbows

Things are moving smoothly. Although, it might not be as smooth as we wished it to be, but at the eleventh hour like this, the least we can do is having faith in all the efforts and attempts to be better. in every direction. after all, everyone is trying to make this happening. The rest of it, we should trust in Allah. It is not fair to say that there are no problem whatsoever. all i am saying is that, everyone tries. That's matter a great deal. i rather go up, do things than complaint about an unfinished business..as always.

Still in my happy mode.:o)

Someone has obviously stolen my attention.

(^_^)

Solo rambler

In need of serious gay bathing, scrub and pampering.

today is almost none existent-in a sense that i didnt even remember a thing except for some work related thingy. i enjoyed the process, and i love the productivity. Seeing water spilled at the floor on my way up home was making me excited-it had been such a long time since i had my leisure bathing. i missed the time when water was such a luxury. But things are tolerable i guess, so no complaint on that.

Today was an exceptionally happy day. i don't know what happened, but i was frightened by what i felt. and also cherished it.much more than i care to admit.i am not sure what i want anymore. Can i just pretend to be blind?i am an expert, anyway.Happily confused i am..:o)

I met a girl. and the things she told me. i wished that everyone would just learn to mind his/her own business. Put a stop to gossiping, or to bullshitting about other people's business. i guess, the least we could do is to not take responsibility for other people's behaviour.To not feel responsible for something that other people's do. It has nothing to do with us. Nothing at all. Let Allah judges them. Let them take full responsibility and learn from the things they did. Dont be such a sponge and absorp all the bullshits. We have to learn to detach ourselves from all that. By stating this, it doesnt mean that i am less sympathetic. i was only detaching myself from things that do not matter to me.

Overall, today is exhaustive. But in a positive way.Insya Allah

May Allah grant us the capability to execute our responsibility everyday. Amin

Going solo

The second day of the week.I'm late for work. For the first time for a long time, i watched football match. More so i had something to say to a friend who happened to be a football fanatic:o). But surprisingly, i quite enjoyed the game, i still remembered what was what, and how it was played. It was like a boost to the spirit watching it. Watching people played so hard and won was really motivating.

I spent my time at watching quite many movies. My schedule is back to round one. i came home, and after my prayer, settled for my tea, early dinner, bathing, all the basic things. i even spent sometimes doing a word search games. I bought two books previously, and hadn't touch it since because at some point it was a cruel reminder of my ex bestmate. So i kept them shelved.. Now i was ok about it, i can play it again happily. Then i discovered how many words there are that i dont understand or didn't know that they meant something else. Good practice anyway.

I missed my girlfriend, but not that badly. i didn't want to constantly bothering her with unnecessary updates of my life. She deserves the spaces:o) I wanted to be able to
be happy without depending on anyone to make me feel better. I caught myself bursting out laughing on things that we done together. tthinking about happy moments were making me happy.

My other close friend is also very busy with daily responsibility that i dared not bother him. Previously, i would have feel left out if he was busy. But now, i understand that i have to give some spaces as well to the friendship. I valued his friendship so much to jeopardize it. I heard positive things about him yesterday, which made me so proud of him-will tell him later. Hopefully it would make him more spirited than he already is:o)

4 days had gone so far. I managed to stick to my solo plan..:o)

The plans

At my house, doing quite many entertaining activities. my girlfriend is away on a course for three weeks, so all activities would be around myself for the time being.

Day 1,Saturday:
suddenly realized how much i missed just relaxing at home. Cleaning, washing clothes, cooking, dusting, rearranging things or simply watching TV. I missed the sleeping in, i missed waking up early waiting for the sun streaming at my balcony, i missed my morning coffee on saturday/sunday, i missed listening to MixFM, in short i miss my house.So i cooked sweet and spicy meat and ate them with much more enthusiasm than ever. I wondered what has brought about the change in my activity? Yes, i'd spent quite many times outing with my friends, or rode out with my new car that i hardly stayed at home these lately. i am still the homely person that i like. I was so determined that the water problem wouldn't affect my relaxation, so i cleaned the back, and my kitchen. So happy making a home of my house:o).
So i began plotting my next three week with a happy planning of staying home and be selfish about my happiness..Feel Great!:o)

Day 2, Sunday:
Well, other than a little bit of scattered FBing activity, i cooked, and watched TV-some of them are the rerun of yesterday's programmes, waiting to fill in the pails with water and choosing clothes to be wear to office and ironing them, and corresponding with my girlfriend, i watched a lot of movies, and criticized them, what a life but fun.hahaha. i blocked off other people and i negatively rejected any attempt of spending time with anyone. again, i selfishly keeping my time alone for myself. i hope they understand. After all i have no obligation whatsoever to be at anyone's service, other than those that has something to do with me. Feel great to be frank with people.:o)

But this is just the beginning. Struggle hasn't start yet. I wish i would be able to be with myself within these three weeks. Insya Allah.

again, a reminder: I am not responsible for anyone's well being.

(^_^)

Pregnant Silence

My problem is in my inability to stand constant whining and complaining about everything. after awhile of whining and complaining, it becomes very tiresome and irritating. It is the cheapest way to get attention. Either you do it, or you stand up and do things for yourself or just shut up about it. Hearing people complains almost about everything he has gone through in a day is damned boring, and annoying. Especially, if he started to feel pity about himself, and started to act like a victim. damned it. tiring!

The thing is, we have already had enough on our plate for a day to add on and be told about what's wrong with life, followed with what to do, what you have to do, what made you miserable or that you are damned busy with everything as if other people just sit around eating ice cream. Come on, have a little faith in the world which god has created for us all to try living!

Im trying to be sympathetic here, but after awhile trying, and the person at the end is too damned stubborn to listen to reasons..


i am trying to be in my best manner, trying to be supportive, trying to give the other person an excuse for that annoying attitude but, i can't hold out for self pity. So i keep to myself, stay mum, and stay away. For my own peace of mind.

I just can't win!

Air

Memang sedap.Tapi bosan

Krisis air ini menambahkan perbelanjaan bulanan. Air minum kena beli. Makan kena beli. Hendak masak perlu fikir proses pembersihan selepas masak. Perlu fikir aspek penyediaan makanan itu bersih atau tidak. jadi sudahnya, makan saja diluar. Dari segi memuaskan tekak, walaupun ala-ala, tapi risiko keracunan kerana air kotor adalah minima.

Prinsip ekonomi: Bila permintaan terhadap satu barang keperluan naik, harganya akan naik. Barang kehendak turut sama naik harga. Contohnya, tiba-tiba permintaan terhadap kopi naik, lalu harganya naik. Harga teh juga akan naik,kerana pembeli akan membeli teh yanh lebih murah berbanding kopi. yang tak disedari adalah harga teh juga akan meningkat kerana kesan permintaan yang menaik.

Isunya di sini, bila perbelanjaan makan meningkat, perbelanjaan terhadap minyak kereta juga akan meningkat kerana proses ulang alik keluar mencari tempat makan.
Semuanya serba meningkat.

Ini cukup untuk menyebabkan stress. Saya enggan mengkomen orang yang sudah berkeluarga. Kerana saya tidak berada ditempat mereka. tapi, percayalah. Orang yang hidup single turut merasai bebanan ini. Beban yang sepatutnya DAPAT dielakkan sekiranya, orang-orang yang bertanggungjawab SEDAR dengan peranan tersebut dari mula.

Tolonglah.Untuk kebaikan bersama, fikirkan satu solusi jangka panjang. jangan sekadar nak tunjuk pandai dengan satu idea yang konon bernas tapi tak berguna untuk jangka panjang. Kalau sudah tak mahu orang tunjukkan bagaimana, tolong berikan satu cara yang lebih baik.


Air ini keperluan, bukannya kehendak. tanpa bersyarah pun mengenai kepentingannya, semua orang sepatutnya tahu.

My troubled heart

Every girl will go through the stage of getting married at least once in their life. For some, it is anticipated and waited for. Some avoid it altogether. Some are considering it. Some couldn't care less. It's all happened a few week back for me. My mother called me full of excitement and hope that everything would ends happily for everyone. It was a happy moment for her. I was happy for the news.But, even before my mother put the phone down, tears were running uncontrollably down my cheeks.

i cried helplessly.i just couldn't bring myself to even think about the prospect.i could't go through with it.

Mr.Clumsy

Even if you are clumsy, even if you are weird,
Even when you are moody, or when you are rude,
Even when you sit silently, or just nod
or when you smile, or when you are serious
or when you joke
or laugh
or teasing
or many other surprising sides of you
imperfect in many ways

But still perfect in my eyes

(^_^)

The Happy Hours

simply happy:O)

The Joy of Life

Life is very unpredictable in nature. Nevertheless, there are million things to be thankful for. Million things that make us happy. Million things to be proud of. Million things to look forward too. Million things to learn from.

i couldn't possibly put my feeling into words for this image. all i know is when i took this picture, i was struck by feeling of awe and excitement. i was humbled by the movement, the tiny fingers, the head, legs and the life inside. It washed away my former self and changed it with a new determination to appreciate life and time in general. It made me want to be "present" in my life.

Moving on is what i want to do. and will continue doing. For me.

Not another Adrian Mole

..or Adrianne Mole..

i have loads of things going on. Just as i thought i wouldn't be able to pull through, well, everything well that ends well.:o)

Although, it's too early to say, but what better things to do other than pushing hard and being optimistic in time of chaos? I have been managing quite well, and if i keep working hard, everything would be okay.

So, why Adrian Mole? Adrian is a boy who loves to exaggerate almost all aspects of his life. Some find it comical, some ironic. For me, i think that Adrian Mole is an embodiment of naivety-everyone experienced the stage at one point of life.Seriousness that laced with naivety.It is ironic for me because usually what was seen and understood in times of innocence were pretty much the truth.But as we grow up, we tend to disregard what we know/believe because what was realistic in an adult world is different from the younger one.We can't cope with seriousness, therefore we tend to laugh it off and pretend that everything is comical.


Adrian Mole is a suitable theme for my overwhelming feeling of happiness-by which i tend to exaggerate everything i see-in a good way,of course:o)

Clamouring

Some things to note...

First thing first, i need to improve my English. in my opinion, it is very shameful to write in bad English, if you are one of the persons teaching it. Supposedly, by now, by any standard, to come out with a well constructed english sentence should be easier than those who are not teaching in this field. Supposedly, we, as the people who had received extensive exposure on the subject should be a master of it. By now, any excuse you give pertaining to your capability is not acceptable. i am in dire needs to improve my english, before it gets even worse. it annoys me so much seeing people who supposedly a master in it(by looking at their academic background) marred it with their own incompetency in using the language. Therefore, i am going to start my improvement process by visiting language site in the net, and by doing exercises on my grammar books. it is always a challenge that can't be refuse.To Improve!

Secondly, i am experiencing the joy of being a woman. i was having a terrible mood swing lately. It started with a very moody feeling before it changed to an unexpectedly happy one. But the worst, my whole body was aching terribly. every inch of my body. i felt like throwing up and mostly sleepy and tired.the lesson from this is: only a girl has the privilege to experience these condition.and it is not easy. While we are at it, bear with it. Embrace it.

Thirdly, a kind of epiphany for me. But i'd rather keep it to myself. all i can say is, i was thinking too much, selfish, jealous and egoistic. i forgot that the smallest things connected the dots sometimes. But i rest my case. I'm happy with what i found.

Fourthly, i am happy for the ability to show true friendship to my friends. I am happy to just be there for him or her.I am happy i am able to express what i feel for them. i honestly love my friends.

I am busy with many commitments, but those commitments also made me happy:o)

Stressor

I felt so heavy these few days.

sleeplessness starts to haunt me again.too much thinking.sometimes too much tears.

i can't enjoy myself again. i am having doubts about my feeling again.

i hate it so much.

In life, there will be this one person that will always kill you just by being close to you. and i hate it because he made me cry again, and made me so unhappy.

Why can't you just let me go?

Reflection

In a long session of updating life..

Somewhat, when you look around, you'll realise what you have been missing.

Somehow, there's every hope in the most dire situation.

sometimes, all you need is a positive attitude, an open mind and a willing heart to understand life.

sometimes, it only takes effort to make everything better again.

Forget the unattainable, don't ponder the future so much, accept the situation at hand and try to make it best for the moment, and just smile at every possibility.

Most of the times, we are hurt by expectation, by memories and by our own set of thinking..

Annoyed

i dont have a very positive mind today.Annoyed for something that is beyond my control.

Today, i went home at about 1645 hours after i completed the tasks that i set myself to do. Out of the blue, i have this feeling of stopping by at Pusat Islam for Asar prayer. i never prayed Asar there unless i wanted to go out with my friend. And then afterward,went to the cafetaria for some kuih for dinner. i've skipped my regular coffee session with my good friend for 2 days already because i had a course.Seriously, that was the worst coffee i have tasted in two days in the course. i need a serious caffeine boost. A good one.

So, in my mind, the image of coffee-hot and fresh after shower would be heaven. But it seemed that today is the day i dreaded. as i finished bathing, the water suddenly turned into mud-oily like color. Very terrible feeling i had.

i was pissed off to read an email in the webmail saying that, it is an un-fixable problem for the time being. Damned it! It has been going on and on, and nobody seemed to be doing anything!For god's sake, no backup plan as well for something that is expected to happen again?!What have you people been doing all these while?

I know that, i am wasting my time getting angry about something that totally out of my control. But those people in control, what are they doing?!Why they didn't think of putting two and two together before they have this noble vision of increasing the population? So much for developing the nation!

Sweet Rainy Day :o)

i almost cant believe,
that my dream came true.
with only you, me, the rain and an umbrella.

Life is beautiful. Praise be to Allah.

(^_^)

Misi diteruskan!

kisahnya: aku sedang belajar setia. hanya kepada dia.

kisahnya: aku berjumpa semula dengan sang kekasih gelap yang tak menganggap diriku sebagai seadanya. kisahnya, pada waktu yang lepas, aku merasa terluka perasaan dan kecewa yang amat kerana aku sangat menyayangi dia, tapi tak boleh menzahirkan dengan kata kata dan tingkah laku. kisahnya, dia lebih menyukai orang lain berbanding aku. dan kisahnya lagi, dia berani meninggalkan aku untuk perempuan-perempuan lain yang lebih menggoda jiwa.kisahnya, saat aku penasaran kerana dirinya, dia menganggap remeh rasaku, dan beranggapan bahawa, aku kan tetap selau untuknya bila dia memerlukan aku.Kisahnya, dia pergi begitu sahaja, tak memandang mataku yang penuh rasa untuknya, dan tanpa mengambil kira hatiku yang pecah berderai, dan tinggalkan aku bermusim-musim lamanya. dan Kisahnya, dia kembali bertanya kasih yang sudah sekian lama dibiarkan sendirian menghadapi hari-hari luka.


kisahnya: aku menemui dia yang membuat hari-hariku lebih gembira. aku menemui dia, yang mengembalikan semangatku ke tempatnya. Aku menemui dia yang membuatku rasa seperti cinta pada pertama kali. kisahnya, dia membuatku percaya diri bahawa, hari-hari adalah hari-hari yang perlu dinanti bersama dia disisi. kisahnya, dia membenarkanku untuk percaya lagi.padanya.pada semua kemungkinan yang ada. pada semua keindahan. dia membuatku terlupa luka di hati, walaupun hatiku hancur kerana masa lalu. dia membuatku sedia untuk memberikan yang terbaik untuknya, menjadi yang terbaik untuknya. Dia membuat hari-hari suram bertukar menjadi warna-warna yang meriangkan. kisahnya, perlahan-lahan, aku jadi suka dia. ingin dia. Kisahnya, aku terlupa akan sang kekasih yang hilang bersama musim.

Kisahnya:bila aku memohon maaf pada sang kekasih yang hilang itu, aku mahu ia berakhir tanpa dendam. tanpa sengketa. tanpa harapan-harapan kosong. Kisahnya bila aku menemui dia, aku hanya ingin memastikan bahawa, aku sudah kebah dari mencntai dia. kisahnya, bila sang kekasih memegang erat tanganku, tiada rasa hati yang terusik. Bila dia melepaskannya kembali, aku jadi tak sampai hati memberitahu bahawa, aku sudah mulai suka dengan someone. hatiku sudah penuh dengan perasaan ku pada someone itu. Kisahnya:bila dia bertanya mengapa ada kedinginan dalam genggaman tangan itu, aku tidak mampu memberi jawab. mungkin kerana mengenangkan perasaan dulu.

kisahnya, aku jadi tak sampai hati. melihat dia menunjukkan rasa kasih, dan perhatian. aku jadi tak berani berbicara dihadapannya tentang orang lain. aku jadi kasihan untuk berterus terang. Kisahnya, aku jadi pura-pura.

Kisahnya, aku gembira kerana aku sudah move on dari dia. aku sudah move on!

Sudah Move On!:o)

Friendship is...

Friendship is always a question of trust. always.

that's why i prefer to be around people whom i can trust myself with, i can trust my feeling with and i can trust them. Not just some people who said quite a lot of unnecessary things, then go around and twisted it according to their whims and fancy.

Some people are just full of notions of what should be, how it should be. as if this world revolves around because of them. Which, to be honest is SICKENING.

Well, so what if i only have two good friends?

because i am happy with them.

because i TRUST them.

Nice to know that

Nice to know that you still can make me cry with all the sweettalks, but baby..I'm happy with someone else..


:O(

Happyness and Crazyness

As long as you are around,everything is gonna be alright:o)

Closer

i was crying because Natalie Portman was crying.

I was crying because, we usually didn't care about the small things that we did to one another. we only remembered it long after everything is done and finished for good.
We only understand the intensity of emotion well after everything become null and void.
We always wished the other person to be someone else, either that or we were just too egoistic to see the significance of the actions done.

i cried myself to sleep. Wake up the next morning with an ache in my heart. a yearning that need to be ignored. a regret for whatever it is that didn't work out properly.and what's the point in it to be in a relationship where you were hurting the entire time, and the only thing that connected to the other person were only thing that break you?

I pray to Allah for the strength to overcome my sadness. i don't posses the ability to fight for it anymore. Or to let my heart be torn apart by my very feeling.

I don't love you is a lie, but i love you is hurting.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My father

I am a person who love the sense of accomplishment.

I love it when i am able to complete planned tasks. I love it when i am able to do something i never done before. I love to be around friends who needed help. I love it when i can fulfill my promises. I love it when everything goes according to my plan, timing wise and all. i love the sense of accomplishment. and probably, that's where my stress comes from sometimes. When everything goes wrong, or i was not able to do things that i have planned.

When i was younger, before i left home, my father always insisted that we have to be this and that. We have to be at an exact place, at the exact time. We have to always follow that. Most of the times, we hated that. It was too much to expect and too much to do. my father never came later than me when he fetched me up at the airport when i went home. He never was late picking us up from school. Dinner must be at 6pm, and so did breakfast. At the exact time everyday. except on Sunday, where we will usually had brunch. When we were small, my father didn't buy TV, didn't buy anything for our entertainment. Instead our source of entertainment was the library. We were not allowed to go to our friend's house for my father said, it was not a nice thing to do. Although, we had heaps of toys, we wanted to play with other people-to the wrath of my father.

We practically grew up with the library. There was at least 2 days when dad drove us to the library, until all the librarian in town knew us and our schedule. By 6pm everyday, dad would ask where everyone was, and if anyone was not around, he would wait until the person was home. i remembered being lectured once, just because i came home late from school, and spent the time chatting with my friend outside the house. I remembered a lot of other things he did that i felt so grateful about.

my father is very outspoken, always being frank with us children(in regards to what he likes us to do, what not to do, how to behave), full of spontaneous sense of humour, but also very understanding and kind. i remembered once when i was working late one night-a part time job i had when i was in fourth year in uni-and i was mensing,was supposedly went back home with my friend. Because i was ashamed that something embarrassing might happened, i called him to pick me up. He came, and the first thing i asked was for a paper, so that it wouldn't stain the car seat. He just said that, it doesn't matter. it can be washed. At that time, i decided that my father is the only guy i can trust. I also remembered that he never complained about having to hold our bags for us when we went to the toilet during shopping session. i would have to say this because, my friend's father said that a guy should never hold a bag for anyone. My father is an exception.:o)

As we grow up, he becomes more like a friend than a father. Although, we have gone through so many turbulence, but i guess we are going steady. There are so many things that a girl could ask for, but a father is definitely priceless. Nobody is perfect, and it wouldn't be fair to judge him based on what he did or what he didn't do. I believe, we all done our best to live our life.


Now at the age of 27 years,i have so much in common with him. His time consciousness, his discipline, his diplomacy, his reasoning, his sense of humour(though mine is worst:o))his curiosity, his style and many other things.I realised that if it hadn't for him, i would just be another couldn't care-less soul who don't care for anything.i would just be another spoiled brat-correct that-useless spoiled brat with no real substance out to trouble anyone close.

Once my mum said: no matter what he did, you would always need him in life. He would always be an important part in your life.

And he is...

Hari

hari yang tiada kamu di muka suratnya,
hari yang tiada kamu di mana-mana,
hari yang tiada kamu di mimpi,
hari yang tiada kamu bersama,
hari yang tiada kamu dibayangnya,
Hari yang tiada kamu.

kosong.

Ajal, Maut, Jodoh dan Pertemuan

Kata seorang kawan:

Ajal dan jodoh itu sinonim. Kerana apabila sudah sampai masanya, ia akan datang dan pergi tanpa dapat dihentikan dan diundurkan seminit pun. Kerana Dia telah menuliskannya pada Luh Mahfudz.kita harus menerima dengan redha apa yang sudah tertulis. disamping berdoa agar apa juga pun yang datang biarlah yang terbaik untuk kita.
Kerana itu, berdoalah sekiranya dia adalah jodoh kita, terimalah dengan hati yang terbuka dan berlapang dadalah sekiranya ternyata dia tidak dituliskan untuk kita.

Dengan perasaan tawadhuk, dalam hati berkata: Allah selalu akan memberikan apa yang kita terima dengan berlapang dada.apa yang kita terima dengan redha,rela dan ikhlas. Lebih daripada apa yang kita dapat menerima dengan senang hati. Banyak bezanya antara gembira menerima dan menerima dengan redha, rela dan ikhlas. Cuma ianya sukar dijelaskan dengan bahasa biasa. kita harus berbicara dengan bahasa tuhan.

Redha adalah menerima dengan rasa syukur, ikhlas, rela serta berlapang dada.
Menerima dengan tangan terbuka adalah menerima dengan gembira.Banyak bezanya.

kerana itu, hati berdetik lagi:sekiranya jodoh sudah tertulis di azali, kita menerimanya dengan gembira. dan sekiranya jodoh itu hanyalah sekadar jodoh pertemuan, kita menerimanya dengan redha.

Amin...

Streams of positiveness

i am trying everyday to accentuate the positive!Everyday!

I am trying to be the best friend anyone can have: encouragement, openness, understanding, helpfulness, empathy, sense of humour, kind-no prejudice.

i am trying to be more appreciative of my times: do everything i can while i still have it.

i am trying to make my work life more enjoyable:find something new to add on, encourage creativity and be more practical. i have to have the edge as an educator. i have to have THE added values.

#these are all the points i got from my meeting with my superior. he was right, probably, i was immature and childlike in assessing my situation. This is just something that i have to go through, so that i may improve my decision making skills later in life, enhance the leadership quality.

i am trying my best to stay grounded. In short,i love mature people. older in mumber, and wiser in perspective.:o)

Say a little prayer

Today, i heard so many good things- so many happy things, yet there's a piercing sadness in my heart. maybe doubts, maybe helplessness.

For the first time in my life, i am praying for him. i am praying for me. i am praying for us.
I am praying that whatever happens will be the best for both of us.

I am prayerful for everything.

*i'm so much of a crybaby.:p

the joy of driving

"memandu dengan laju adalah perbuatan yang TIDAK COOL"

Bak kata Aziz dalam Pendekar Bujang Lapok: "Segala pokok bakau ko langgar daa..."

last night was a humbling experience. We should never consider getting into a car when the driver was a) woman b)very mad c)texting and driving at the same time d)calling/ talking in an aggressive manner AND driving at the same time. VERY DANGEROUS!
i was at the wrong place at the right time. I wanted to go home, and she wanted to go home as well. BUT, the thing was i didn't know that she was in the middle of heated argument with her so called "scandal".
when eventually we reached home, i felt so relieved..Pheww!

But i dont know if it can only be applied to a certain individual.

i was in a quite similar situation before. i was on my way back from some place sending a friend away on holiday. And at that time i was very sad, i was crying in my car. Full with emotion and driving at the speed of 120km/hour.But thank god, i was only racing at a long winding road.. and as i was still crying, when i reached the guard post, i wiped my tears, rolled down my window and talked to the guards, asking them their holiday plan, and wishing them a blessed hari raya. it was a weird thing to do, but calming at the same time. I felt glad because it meant i was able to control my emotion, and be okay again. Afterwards, the whole day started to fall back into places, and i forgot about my sadness..But again, different people coped with emotion differently.

i was thankful for this lesson. i would never ever drive like a lunatic. it is not a practical thing to do. it is dangerous. and it is childish. The joy of driving in the first place is that we are able to master the skill, being artful about the way we go about it, and always be considerate when we do it.

Thank you Allah for this experience.

Today

The headache had gone from wild throbbing to a mild one. But i still have to abstain from my Caffeine..

today, i managed to complete my list of things to finish marking. All of them. Marked and put neatly in my marking form. Great!:o)

today, i managed to cut my calorie lesser than i normally eat on working day.Cutting the cost as well!hehehe. i was not as hungry as usual, and my craving for food has lessen. Yes!!! so my going to the sport center these lately seems to be working wonder.
Insya Allah, im going to start my jogging session later..Hurrayy to keeping fit..:o)

Well.My outspoken-ness got out today. Twice. I was definitely extra sensitive today. Someone was making fun of my passing out in a car awhile back while we were in Sibu. I understand that she didn't mean to joke about it, but someone else thought it was funny. that moron laughed it OUT LOUD. So, in my most cynical way, i said straight away: funny,was it? Try to be in that situation and feel for yourself whether it was funny or no..As if on cue, the laugh stopped and everyone pretended nothing was said, and changed the topic. I on the other hand smiled a sweet smile, and keep quiet. i just didn't like the way they talked about it as if it was a fun thing. No, people. it was not. FYI, at that time, i was battling with headache, and nauseous feeling, because obviously i have eaten something i wasn't supposed to eat. and because i was too stupid and egoistic and didn't want to trouble other people with my condition, that's what i get.an entire lifetime's set of laughter.

And during the afternoon tea with my friend. The canteen people served me with an expired milk. so imagine the taste of my Bandung..So i went to the counter, and asked the person to have a sip from my bandung. There's no use talking. and for that: i got air jagung special. Whatever. the point is i was only trying to prove my point. Luckily, i didn't say anything cynical this time. ;o)

Sessions with my mum these lately inspired a change of perspective for me, also maybe a change in address. So, i have 2 new goals. Perhaps all these while, what's lacking in me was a goal to achieve. So Insyaallah, if Allah wills, then it will be.

Rating for today: Good,despite a few turbulence. :o)

and the pain continues

Still in so much pain.

the lower part on the right side of my head is throbbing painfully. i have to consider going to the doctor tomorrow. i couldn't let myself be helpless where i have to ask other people to take care of me. That would be too much troubles.

i don't know what is the point of eating all that painkillers. They are just filling my veins with unnecessary drugs.If this continues, i would be in such a lousy state, that would irritate my very self.

Please just go away, pain. Please!

Aches that linger

My head is in continuous pain since Saturday night. I thought it was the time of the month, but it never shows up.

Then, it must be an old bout of migraine. I have been living almost without my usual daily intact of caffeine, and it didn't go away. Instead, it continues throbbing.it has been my constant companion for now. i don't know what to expect of it...

but i happily go about doing everything that i feel like doing; play volleyball, going to the gym, anything at all(with caution) although, i feel uncomfortable with it. sometimes when it becomes too much and i couldn't focus, then i feel like screaming. or when people are laughing happily it annoyed me because the pain is unbearable..

or probably it was caused by my over eating habit(i have more appetite than before) these lately..and when the thought about my weight strike/i suddenly feel overwhelmed. i hate fatness and everything that look round.. Hate would probably be an understatement. I DETEST FAT!!!!.

oh i have a serious case of psychological illness. no doubt about it by now.
and i dare to wonder why my headache wouldn't go away...

My pockets of Sunshine

Blessing is always the small details in life that we tend to overlook because we expected that Allah would give us what we need in bulk.

Today, a stranger asked or rather invited me to eat with her in her kitchen!i was dumbfounded because i almost can't believe that such kindness existed.Or i didnt expect any kindness from people. but when she insisted on suddenly inviting me for lunch, i just couldn't say NO. It was simple dishes-jeruk buah embang(as the local called it, and ikan masin)- and also an iced tea. As i was eating, i thank god for the opportunity to witness kindness in this form. As i was leaving the premise, i thanked the aunt, and pray that God blessed her with the same kindness she had demonstrated to me. She just smiled. Although i insisted on paying the iced tea, she refused my money.

the day before, as i was paying my breakfast, i bumped into a lady friend of mine who has forgotten her purse. as she was busy contacting her husband to come and pay for the food she bought, i silently paid it for her. It seemed to be an appropriate gesture at the time. although, our acquaintance is a fleeting one-it is just a nodding acquaintance, but i am glad to be off help.

i dont believe in doing good only when people understand the meaning of your action. i believe that there is goodness in every action, IF only you want to see it that way.

Another one was-by now a very dear friend of mine- i was touched deeply by-what i believed- was a great gesture of friendship. i like the way he was being frank about things that concerned me-of work, of personal things, or of anything. i remembered once when i got myself into an accident, he was the only one who didn't try to make me feel better. he said to my face-that it was your fault, and that it happened because you were not extra careful. I was sad by the accident but i dont need people who keep on saying it's ok, everyone got into at least one accident, don't feel bad about yourself thingy. I dont need people who keeps on saying good things in an attempt to make me feel better only to laugh about it at my back. i felt better because there was someone who cared enough to point that it was serious, and i should do something about it. the reality surprisingly kept me grounded.i appreciated that about him. i like his neutrality, the brotherly affection i always feel when i'm around him, or his insecurity when he was angry or when he was doubting himself on something. i really appreciated him being there. i wish all the happiness in the world for him, and may Allah made easier for him his affairs.Amin..

i talked to my mum, and i realised how i wanted to hug her, for being the best person on earth. forgive me mum if i'm not a perfect daughter for you.But i love you so much.i might be a crybaby most of the times, and you never complaint about that even once.i lost myself once but you bring me back, and i was forever indebted to you. But, i promise you, im going to be always the best for you.Insyaallah.

Doa hari ini

Ya Allah...

Maaf hamba Mu ini meminta lagi.

Dengan nama Allah, yang mana tidak ada sesuatu pun dilangit dan bumi yang memudaratkan tanpa izin Mu...

Kau cukupkanlah keperluan ku sehingga aku tak meminta-meminta selain daripadaMu.
Peliharalah diriku dari rasa sedih dan duka, dari sifat lemah dan malas, dari kebakhilan dan kefakiran serta seksa kubur. .
Peliharalah diriku dari beban hutang dan penindasan orang

Sesungguhnya tiada tuhan melainkan Engkau, dan aku ini adalah dari kalangan orang-orang yang menzalimi diri.


Tiadalah daya upaya melainkan Engkau ya Allah. Aku menyerahkan segala urusanku pada perkiraan-Mu ya Rahman,ya Rahim..

amin...

kata-kata hanya mimpi

Inilah aku. Suka sabotaj kebahagiaan sendiri.

Hari berputar bagai tiada henti. Hariku penuh dengan tugasan yang sentiasa menanti.lalu aku terlarut ke alam sendiri. membiarkan dia menjawab sendiri tanda soal di hati.

lantaran terbiasa menjaga diri, terlupa seketika ada dia ditepi, kubiarkan masa berlalu sendiri, kerana ku butuh ruang sendiri.

saat dia cuba merapati, semakin jauh ku bawa diri. bukan kerana hati tak sudi, kerana tak tahu bagaimana mengungkapi rasa hati.

Oh, bagaimana ini?semakin ku cuba membuka hati, semakin jauh pula aku berlari. masih bimbang andai dia khianati, mengharap dia mengerti sendiri.

Tuhan, bagaimana seharusnya aku hadapi, sekejap rasa kasih dihati, sekejap rasa bertukar ngeri, sekali sekala bimbang sendiri, ada ketika tak ambil peduli.

Adakah belum layak aku bermimpi?memilih dia menghuni dihati?adakah belum tiba seru alami?Yang dekat belum mampu berganti?atau hati yang bermain sendiri?menidakkan perasaan yang mulai kembang berseri? atau apakah?

Tercipta Untukku

Menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
Membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku
Mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
Saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

Banyak kata
Yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
Kepada dirimu

Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah
Yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku
Sepanjang hidupku

Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah
Yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku
Meski waktu akan mampu
Memanggil seluruh ragaku
Ku ingin kau tau
Kuslalu milikmu
Yang mencintaimu
Sepanjang hidupku


................................

The Lost Valentine

A story about a woman who waited for her navy husband for 65 years, at a train station they last met every valentine's day.One day, after 65 years, she get to meet her husband only the meeting was a final parting as she was meeting the body of her dead husband. the story was the story of chances and the courage to face each passing days, and to expect whatever possibility that presented itself. a story of how we should grab the chance when we have the time, and not be regretful of the decisions we made, however painful it is.

The story was set in WW2, critical time where you cant hardly expect anything. the time when promises had no value. When hope would usually ended up in vain. But, in times when optimism seemed overrated, that's the time you needed it the most.

As the navy's trombone sounded to mark the final parting, one can only feel deeply for her: thoughts about the grief, the lost time and the memories: Tears were streaming uncontrollably as she was kissing the coffin of the dead beloved.

AS the woman said:Life has to move on. Give yourself the chance. take the chance. Although, something would always live as a part of you but when it's the time to let go, it has to be.

:o)

Aku dan Dirimu

Aku yang kekok!

Masih cuba bermain waktu..

sengaja mengosongkan ruang-ruang ditengah aku dan kamu

Masih cuba lari walaupun kaki tak sudi melangkah.

Masih cuba.

Takut akan perasaan sendiri.Takut kamu hilang saat aku menghampiri.

Takut kamu terbaca gerak hati

takut kamu dapat mengesan betapa kosongnya hariku tiada kamu.

.........

Intuisi ku

Aku sedang mempersoalkan rasaku. Adakah aku bermain lagi?mencari teman berhiburan sementara aku meneutralkan hati yang terluka?

Sesungguhnya, dengan setiap perasaan yang kurasakan tentang dia semuanya benar. Aku cuba memberi ruang kepada diri dan dia, moga ada pelajarannya disana. yang nyata, aku rasa selamat dengan dia, rasa gembira semula, dan lebih fokus kepada kehidupan. aku merasakan perasaan halus yang membuak-buak, hanya kerana ada dia disitu.

kadang-kadang, ada rindu yang datang pada teman lama. tapi bila difikirkan semula,apalah gunanya?Hanya aku yang rindu-rinduan sendiri, hanya aku yang terasa-rasa sendiri, sidia?entahkan aku wujud entahkan tidak. Dia membuat ku rasa tak selamat, tak yakin diri dan penuh dengan emosi-emosi keras dan kasar. Aku takkan menafikan betapa aku sayangkan dia, tapi sudah terlambat untuk itu. Aku tak berani mempertaruhkan hati lagi. bimbang yang sudah pecah berkeping, jadi pecah berderai pula. bagaimana akan ku cantum semula?tak mengapalah. Aku tahu dia bahagia sekarang. aku doakan.

Intuisiku banyak pula benarnya belakangan ini. dan tak banyak tersasar dari realiti sebenar. Untuk teman rapatku yang seorang itu.Bukan aku tak dapat merasakan betapa gusarnya dia, atau betapa lukanya dia kerana si polan yang pelik, tapi mungkin kerana aku sudah banyak melukakan diri sendiri, maka aku gagal merasakan gusarnya. cuma kepada si polan ini, dia tidak seharusnya menghancurkan orang lain dengan jengkel fikirannya sendiri. Atau mungkin aku terlalu terselimut gembira maka aku jadi tak sensitif dengan emosi orang lain?atau mungkin kerana aku mahu lupakan luka-luka kecewa yang masih berbekas dihati?Jika amatan ku ini benar, adakah guess ku tentang yang lain juga?

Detik ini, aku tak mengharap banyak dari orang-orang. Pada dia atau sidia. Aku hanya berdoa apa yang selayaknya untuk ku. Kerana yakin Dia lebih tahu perancangan mana yang terbaik untukku.

Kali ini, aku tak kan menolak dia lagi. dan kiranya dia pergi lagi kali ini, aku tetap akan menerima dengan hati yang lapang..

Indah yang Menyakitkan

...Sedang cuba menahan diri dari menangis...

fikiran ingatkan dia-nangis

gembira kerana jokes dia-nangis

dengar dia ketawa-nangis lagi

tengok dia makan-nangis lagi

dia senyum-nangis

dia hanya kata hati-hati, it's ok-nangis juga...


....dengan kamu, aku jadi penangis.sensitif melampau-lampau....

oh ya.Mungkin saja sudah sampai masanya...

"Tuhan turunkan hujan, supaya kita boleh menikmati indahnya warna-warni pelangi"

I was crying for the sake of gloomy old times. i was crying because i am grateful for you.

Touched.

S.a.t.i.s.f.a.c.t.i.o.n

satisfaction.

that's how i would like to conclude today.

In the morning, all the house's chores were completed.

i was crying watching P.Ramlee the musical, the songs, the narration, everything was mind blowing.i simply love P.Ramlee.All of him.

In the afternoon, i fetched a friend at the airport. we went eating at the stall beside the river.and spend another hours at her house. catching up stories. Many.some of them were sad, some were shocking. But, then it was time worth spending. Glad was my feeling.

i went home a bit after Maghrib, and went to my other friend's house-open house-eat again.talked to her mum, before i excused myself for my weekly duty at Kamsis.

a little bit after 11.a text reminded me that i have neglected an important person today. surprisingly, i explained about what i do. and felt relieved by it. and felt guilty too. i wasnt trying to exclude anyone from my life, and because i value the relationship, and i dont want anyone to feel neglected, so i apologize. i was surprised by what i do. But, i learned the hard way about the importance of explaining and saying sorry in a relationship. i know how much this person meant to me.i dont want to spoil this one with my egocentric.i was so very relieved.

So that's the source of my feel good vibe.By knowing that i try my best to do the best for people i care about..

Insyaallah.:o)

Angau-angauan

My current state...:o)

Bila Cinta

Bila cinta kini
Tak lagi bermakna
Yang ku rasa kini
Hanyalah nestapa
Ditinggalkan cinta masa lalu

Dulu kau tawarkan
Manisnya janjimu
Yang ku sambut itu
Dengan segenap hatiku
Bila engkau pergi
Tinggalkanku

Hilangnya cintamu
Menusuk hatiku
Hingga ku memilih
Cinta yang fana

Perginya dirimu
merobek jantungku
Hingga ku terjatuh
Dalam harapan



as much as i love Farid Kamil, i feel sad watching the movie.But the song thrilled me...i Still love you Mr. F.even if the movie made me cry.

Lots of Love,
Your fan

Gila sudah

Memang gila kentang.

Kegilaan yang makin ditahan, makin menjadi-jadi pula.
Tolonglah hentikan saja.
Janganlah menunjuk-nunjuk sangat betapa baiknya kamu
Janganlah.
kerana semakin hati suka,
semakin jauhlah aku dari kamu.

Tapi aku suka.


aku jadi malu.

Aura warna warni

Confused sekejap.

pastu muka rasa panas

Muka berubah warna merah


~Malu~

seharian saya rasa riang yang pelik amat.

heeeeeeeeeee...

Things to do

what a hectic week. everyday people are coming and going. we're all coming and going.

i really feel like laying low this year. Just stayed at home,cooking my own food, and drinking plain water.i was not afraid of getting bigger,but to tell the truth, i got scared looking at all those food.

last night i was dreaming of someone whom i thought meant something to me.and i ended up crying in my sleep for the realisation that, it's definitely a high time to move away. So, i woke up in the morning, more zested up than usual and with the determination to carry out my new goals.

*Firstly, get healthy.exercise,exercise,exercise.

*Secondly, styled up professionally, psychologically and personally-there's no way im going waste my life mopping up for something/anything irrelevant

*settle pending matters-im going to watch this.quite tricky area here.

well, im not going to waste another part of my life by angry about some people irresponsible behaviour. i dont have that much control anyway. but i have full power over my life and my decision.so, im going to start with my life first,insya allah.
Im determine to start anew. No more hanging ghost.

If you would see the bad things, you could only recognize the bad. But i pray that Allah shows me the best and the good things in life, and allow me the wisdom to understand the difference.

Life is too short to let it be spoiled by our attitude towards people/people's attitude towards us.

Have to learn to let go, and let God helps us with the rest.Insya Allah.

Raya, Day 1

Wow..

i only went to two houses so far. i was not that into raya mood. it's all the same.
but i quite enjoyed it. i just didn't feel like eating. One round to my aunt's house today, i went straight home and sleep for one hour. all are the side effect of ketupat palas, rendang and tea. as if i was on drug..Tea was never my favourite for having a very bad effect on me. and glutonious rice?wow, they sent me straight to bed.

The snapshots?sad.

Im working on my raya project for the benefit of my social network and i was disappointed.to say the least. i grew impatient of the photos taken. all were caused by the lense of the digital cam..Oh, it dampened my creative energy. i resorted to using my older Nikon cam, which was as good as my Fuji. but, i have to have ready supply of batteries. again, that dampened my spirit. the lense of my Fuji was slightly problematic because of some people's careless handling.I hate to say anything about it, but at a time like this, it got into my head pretty badly.annoyed would be an understatement. that's what i get for being kind. Trouble!

today is already tuesday. How i wish i could prolong my leave. But life has to continue, and so i have to bear with it. I wish for many things but right now, i just have to learn to manage. I hate Sunday by the way.like hate,hate,hate,hate,hate!

To be honest, i just dont have the heart for everything. im not here to satisfy my peers. i was never a feeder for people ideas of idealistic person.That's why, probably, it is easy to hurt me just by going with the crowd, i would hate anyone for that.Really hate.

That's what time alone do to you. You evaluate your situation, evaluate your strength and weakness, look at how people respond-whether it measure up to their own hyped values,and whether you respond accordingly to the situation.I learn to grow up everyday. and growing up is never an option for me. i was trained like that. and when you start applying what you learn, then some of the things become a lost cause. have to let go for your own betterment.

there are so many things that i could say but, it is true that, some of the things are better left unsaid.

But no matter what i said to calm myself,i still feel surging anger in my heart. For all the wrong reasons.

A perfect occasion

The eid finally.

Indeed a happy occasion for a muslim. Indeed happier for me. for being able to take the challenge to improve oneself religiously. For being given the opportunity to come as far as the eid for this year. Alhamdulillah Ya Allah.

Nothing else to ramble on.

i am grateful for the opportunity to celebrate and appreciate it with my family. the craziest bunch but the most comforting circle ever.

Thank you ya Allah.

I pray ya Allah that with your loving grace and blessing , life would turns out better, i would be able to better myself that would benefit everyone around me.
Ya allah, i pray for the strength to execute my responsibility the best i can to people who matter, and to those that you have thrown into my care.
i pray for the justice to fulfil my duty to you and to those that you have shown for me to be responsible for.

Ya Allah. Ya Rabbi

Tawakaltu 'ala Allah

What's for tomorrow?

what a long day tomorrow would be. What a long wait.

i couldn't even think about going shopping.i can only think of reaching home, meeting my baby brother. I hate the hassle to buy baju raya and all. i don't care if it's not for my promise with my brothers to go shopping on saturday.

Raya is a special day. but knowing how it would usually be for my family, well....
But it is just something that i have to go through. i don't want to be such a killjoy. I want it to be a happy occasion for everyone.

Ya Allah, only you know. Only you know.

Attitude matter..Or Attitude matters(verb)

An Asshat who has nothing better to do!...As much as i want to smacked her mouth till it bleeds, i prefer to do some damage control first.

Obviously, some fellow colleagues have issues with me because of this Asshat's running mouth. Obviously, she doesn't have any limit when it comes to badmouthing other people.But enough of Asshating her. I pray that she has a long life ahead, so that she could really find a match for what she has done to some other innocent people.

So, this colleagues of mine asked me about something i have said in the past about not liking her, about not liking her husband and about not liking something else about other people. THAT, in the first place fuels my despise of this unthinking Asshat who think she is smart enough to blab around like this.
So i explain to her the best i can. I was so very sorry to be caught in this embarrasing storyline. I was sorry that all these while, while i was busy with my couldn't care less attitude other people are obviously taking advantage of my stand. I was so sorry that some other innocent people get involve in the Asshat's hate-campaign.

After my apology to them, i can't help but thinking to bring this over to the people up there. This is obviously a slander, and i could apply for libel if i want. She is messing with my professional well being, putting my self respect at stakes, and endangering my social circle. I called my cousin about it, and if things got serious, i should and could consider legal action. What You said will be said against you.

i am bored of this childish game! Bored and Tired! She keeps on pointing that I have problem with myself. Yeah, right. You're the perfect bitch, aren't you? The best i would say.
Silly me for thinking that i could count on the lost friendship for a little bit of respect. You doesn't deserve any respect at all. At least after the incident with my boss, i have started to LOST all my respect for you. Silly me, for misjudging your character.

But, Sebagai orang yang beragama, hanya kepadaNya lah tempat kita mengadu. Biarlah kita balikkan segala urusan duniawi ini kepada Dia. Biarlah Dia yang selayaknya mengadili.

Gratitude

Half past one in the morning! and i couldn't sleep.

Nothing critical. My condition is due to my overdosing my afternoon nap-which obviously can't be called a nap..:D

One week before the break for hari raya. I can't wait to be home.Several plans are already up for execution..going shopping with my brothers,buying all the firecrackers, the theme colours for raya, the iftar before hari raya:everything is well planned. We do this everytime-so much fun to do with people i love:D

With audit that threatened to bog me down, and everyone who has serious problem with himself/herself:i would like to especially highlight the two things that made me thankful beyond description.

Let's not pretend that everything is okay for me. Obviously it's not. It turned out that it is worst than i first imagined. So, on Thursday morning, my boss called me-pointing out about some odds in my FRP. some parts of my FRP were marked Tidak Lengkap and was happily signed off by a person whom complained to the boss that she had already "talked" to me about that many times-and still i do the same mistakes.The funny thing was:she never did talk to me in a professional way. Yes, she did bitch about it to anyone that wanted to listen to her. at first, i was shocked but nevertheless managed to explain what actually happened to my superior.in a very objective way(amazingly). This was the third times i changed my check list;each with different mistakes from the first. She is ridiculous!Before this i would feel bitter about an incident such as this, but now-i seriously pity her for her inability to act in a professional way. i am so thankful that my boss asked me personally about that, and point it out in the most gentleman way, that i almost cry:i was touched. Thank you boss, May Allah returns the same kindness to you. I feel truly blessed by what he did. Small though it may seem:O)

Secondly, from a good friend of mine. so far, he never fail to help whenever he can. This time around what happened was: i went out to get my car tints. In my absent mindedness, i went out and forgot my purse in my office. I called my close friend:she was unable to come because of some matters. I called another person, and obviously what i asked off him was probably too much. In fact, he ended up telling almost everyone about it. Kay poh! So i called up my good friend and told him about my predicament. he came straight away and offered to lend me some money so that i could pay for my car. I was so embarrassed having to troubled him. But at the same time, i feel thankful for what he did. May Allah returns the same kindness to you.

Thank you Allah for surrounding me with people who care enough about me and willing to see past everything and help me in my times of trouble. I couldn't thanked them enough but i pray ya Allah that they get the best of what life has to offer.
I learned that there are only a few people that i could really count on in my time of distress, and are always showing an exemplary way to be a good friend to them as well.

it doesn't really matter that anyone else chooses to believe what they know nothing about Or that they are acting in a strange kind of "detachment" from me. As long as i have these good persons besides me, i could ignore other people as irrelevant.

Thank you Allah for the opportunity to see good things when i found them.

Audit

tomorrow would be the opening for internal audit. and i have mixed feeling about it.
Although, im better by experience, i have the tendency to overlook small matters which at a given time could be extremely stressful and time wasting.Writing at midnight could be considered as a leeway for me-to express bottled up feeling.But i like the sense of organization that comes with it.I am responsible for 2 things in general. I hope i manage to pull my act together.

Audit is a very interesting process for me.Before i get involved in JKKQ, i thought that it would be an extremely blind process designed to judge your workability and effectiveness. However, after being audited myself, i found out that it is all very practical process-nothing hanky panky. they have a list, which is taken from the procedure itself,and they assess you based on that. No myths whatsoever. as long as you follow through, there could be no problem. as usual, i like something that i could touch and see.it is a tangible process. i wonder now, why everyone made it sound as if it has no guidelines.It is an evaluation process, alright. But it doesn't judge. I would like to use my own term "it is a professional evaluation".

By mentioning the audit process in such a way, i am not trying to appear cocky. i am only stating this because i don't like the way people look at it as if it is just some blind customs that need to be followed.

To say that this week is a busy week would be an understatement. It is going to be Hectic...would mayhem be an overstatement?to be determined:o)

i would have no trouble with my other responsibility, but i would probably having trouble with the other. Judging from how things are going, i can predict one or two. i did my best to settle everything today, but judging at how things are going, i can bet that i would be called to answer questions.

Insya Allah, everything would work out ok.

La hawla walaa quwwata illa billah

Back to Basic

Ramadhan, Day 15th.

What a wonderful feeling, Ya Allah.

It is going to be a busy week this week. with all the auditing processes and students' evaluation coming in. I have decided to take it all in a good spirit. Last week, i was feeling quite stressful with anything that didn't turn out right. But on the second thought, it was nothing difficult. Just need to focus a little bit and perseverence.

i would like to write my days in bullet point. It is easier and more organized.

*i am done with FRP. just need a little bit of adjustment on one of my RMs.

*i have sorted out and put the Q's file neatly. I'm hoping that it will get good result during the audit.

*i am preparing my notes for my students.i feel more zestful than usual. So, as a result, i have plenty of note for reinforcement purposes. A good thing, considering my very low self esteem at the moment.

*i have started reading again. I have not been active for a while, and now i feel glad that i have taken up my old hobby again. It is good for me because it heighten my sense of creativity.

*For a long time, i have not been able to appreciate my TV due to extreme stress and also because i couldn't focus. But, i found out that i am able to get lost in the experience,and found to my amaze: the ability to laugh it all out loud without getting emotional. this is also a good thing, because it means i am able to relax myself.

*For the first in a long time, i could simply sit in my house and soaked in my alone time, without getting restless.Also a good thing because it means that i am beginning to let go of most things that bothering me-once upon a time:o)

*i was also surprised that i can laugh easily at a friend's joke naturally.

*i have started to enjoy cooking again. started to enjoy keeping the house in order-no more lagging for hours or zooming out unnecessarily when i am alone. so it's better, isn't it?

*i still feel a tad melancholy, but i'm even more eager to move on. I have always been ardent about what i do, therefore i am trying to re-ignite my passion for life.

*my favourite quote for today: "Lost Cause-something that you have to let go because of some other important matter which is more persisting and needed at a given time.

i want to live in my usual stylish way, and i believe everybody else does. so, what's more important now is to live it the best way we know how, right?Insya Allah.

Im so blessed with many wonderful things and the wisdom to understand it.

Thank you ya Allah for another chance to see it in a positive light. Alhamdulillah.

Suddenly, im thinking of writing a book. Like always: an ambitious dreamer..:o)

Ramadhan Kareem

Ramadhan, day 12th.

i can feel the serenity and tranquility surrounding my mind.

Ramadhan has always been a sentimental time for me. adzan maghrib is always melancholy. my memory of ramadhan-at least most of those in the last 10 years of my life was being far away from home. So ramadhan invokes a mixture feeling of melancholy and sentimental. and it is my favourite time all year round.

Ramadhan, the month of barakah.peaceful feeling that no word can explain.

Fajr's rambler

There are so many things in life, in which we have no control over. Even our best plan is contest-able. and it's only for Him to know what best for us.If He fated something to happen then it will.

I am glad for a chance to see my life in positive light, for the realisation that i have been doing great despite all the setbacks and heartaches.

I am glad that i have never been extremely hysterical about anything, and i have been quite calm in most situation. I am ever so glad that i never ruin anyone's life for the sake of holding my popularity if there were ever any.

I am so glad that i did not try to buy anyone's attention or affection by being a hypocrite. I am so glad that i am always me no matter how much i am hurting by some events.

I am glad that when it comes to principles, i have always stand strong.

I am stubborn, most of the times, to things that i know i am right.Although, at a given time, that was not a recommendable trait, but over times it pays well.

Ya Allah, my judgment and evaluation of myself might be shallow and self-centered, but i pray for the courage and for the wisdom to be better in my dealings. I have been very patient all these while ya Allah, but in some cases, i feel that there's a needs for me to stay away from and stop trying.

For anything that i have no control over, to you i give my complete surrender ya Allah. For only you know the wisdom and the reasons for everything.

Ubat Kecewa itu bernama ikhlas

ketika ujian bernama kekecewan itu melanda kita, maka kembalikan semuanya kepada Allah. Rasa bahagia, kecewa dan yang lainnya itu Dialah penciptanya.Yakinlah bahwa apapun itu yang menimpa kita, semua adalah atas kehendak-Nya. Berpositif thingkinglah bahwa Allah PASTI akan memberi yang terbaik buat kita. Sementara itu usaha dan doa jangan pernah kita putus. Inilah yang dinamakan Tawakal. Semoga Allah senantiasa meridhai kita.

(www.lombakompasiana.com)

Ralat

Today started off quite well until you tagged along.

You don't know how much i hate that. i am confused. If you meant to stay out of my life, just stay where you are. No need for all the attempt on being civil. I dont need that. Why?just answer me the question or fade away.

i am sorry i might have hurt another feeling by my action. i am really sorry. I hope you would give me another chance to explain. Because for the first time, i feel the urge to explain.You are more important to me than anyone else.Yes, you are!

For the first time, i realised that i don't want anything to do with the first one. and it felt hurt that anyone at all see that. Ralat.

I am the best!

Inside my head:it was kicking and screaming double standard.

But after awhile, my passion got the better of me. it doesn't matter if anybody wants to pick up a fight out of you.

It also doesn't matter, when a thing that was never an issue before this, now becomes an issue.

All i have to do, is after each rejection, come back stronger and with higher standards. And best of all, to prove that no matter what happen, or how annoyed i feel about certain aspect of life/attitude they will still get the best out of me. I'm not a defeatist, that's how i will stay. Fighting to the end!

Come to think of it,thank you for pushing me to the best of my ability.

I don't belong here

Just a precaution.

My blogging in the first place is a medium where i vent my personal feeling. Where i write all the common nonsense.Where i usually keep my private thought in an organized way-much more organized than the cluttters in my head. So, if anyone happens to read it, it is hardly my fault if you feel offended or feel disturbed by my thoughts or feelings. I never ask you in the first place to read it. It was not meant as an attention getter that's why you never find it listed at my other social networks. It is meant for me to ramble mad about you, if i were ever to choose. You, in the first place, stalk my sphere and started putting 1 and 1 together and started to get hundred as an answer..Thank you for reading, but read it at your own peril.

i would say, my life is not perfect. I am not perfect. But that's normal. If you are trying to find someone that's perfect for you, then by all means, go search some places else.

i will never be the same person anymore. And don't expect that from me. it won't happen.

The Weirdo

i have quite a funny feeling about something/someone.

Last week was the convo, and it gave me the opportunity to know more people/ to know more about people/person im working closely with. up to this point, i still have this funny feel-like-vomiting feeling in my heart.

i never was close to this person. and i wouldnt say im close to the person now. But after a few days, i began to sense a weirdness to this person.

For once:
a) This person has an air of being particular abt everything/or being the Mr.know it all. What was funny: his action didn't match his air of being THAT exclusive.his action has no weight.

b)He liked to talk about all the serious things/being so worldly-but i noticed that it was all bookish.innocent. unsupported by true experience. again too much unnecessary information

c) He was also child-like in admiration of all the fancy things. and being a cynic, i found that irritating. who would've taken the pain of walking to dewan makan just to get a glimpse of CM and his young wife eat, and then go about looking for gossips?!

d) too chatty!i hate babbling nonsense especially in the middle of things to do-who in their right mind would want to talk about whether being a stalker is an obsession/disease when u are busy trying to concentrate on task at hands?

e) he called me too formal. Okay, because i have been an emcee a few times, so i know what to expect, and what words to include. But putting the words "bercanda-candaan" and "halwa telinga" was clearly uncalled for. simple is easy,why make it complicated?!

he was overdoing the term "coolness". and for me he has ruined it all together.Yes, he is trying too much to the extend that i had to remain silent for the fear of saying something uncivilised.

The proximity was killing me. and i was in pain trying to remain civil.

In the end of the day, i didnt know whether i should laugh or cry.

O Lord..Please forgive me for my sins..

(Hahaahahahaa)

Ada rindu di hujung kasih

Rindu kamu

Rindu kamu senyum

Rindu sekadar kamu berkata-kata

Rindu kamu hadir

Rindu semua tentang kamu

Rindu waktu ada kamu dan aku

Hanya rindu.

Rindu sekadar kamu ada disitu.

Suratan atau Kebetulan

Kenny Remy Martin (Kenny Tay / Habsah Hassan)

Suratan Atau Kebetulan

Sesuatu yang tak disangka
Seringkali mendatangi kita
Itukah suratan dalam kehidupan
Atau hanya satu kebetulan

Kita asyik membicarakan
Persoalan hidup dan pilihan
Sedang kejujuran semakin berkurang
Masih tiada bertemu jawapan

Walau kita dihadapkan
Dengan berbagai pilihan
Mengapa sering terjadi
Pilihan tak menepati

Hingga amat menakutkan
Menghadapi masa depan
Seolah telah terhapus
Sebuah kehidupan yang kudus

Pertemuan sekali ini
Bagi diriku amat bererti
Tetapi ku bimbang untuk menyatakan
Bimbangkan berulang kesilapan