Divine Intervention.

what an expression.but to hope for divine intervention when you are doing nothing to grab any opportunity in front of your eyes..i would say is tragical.i am listening to all those hues about the rumors that we might have to survive on our own..that whatever happen will be determine by us..i dont know.i dont feel anything..
like always i prefer to be calm about it until further notice.there's no use lamenting about unfair life..
many of friends have their own version about the info..i dont know which one to believe..i dont want to believe anything that i didnt hear personally.
selalunya bila kita terlalu banyak anggapan yang tidak-tidak,we start to hear and believe unreasonable things..
m mantra..keep ur cool..keep ur cool..keep an open mind about everything..take a deep breath..
hmm..better feeling!

disturbia

when i went for the course in KL, i never ever thought that i would come back a mess.someone had really spoiled my memory of the course..but in a nice way.nicer that i have problem putting myself together.
i met my Gentleman..in the least expected place..looking vibrant but a little reserved.maybe he was having problem.his eyes were not as warmth as usual,though he did smile at me.i dont know how to pretend i didnt see him at that time..well,actually i dont want to pretend.
although, it was a little awkward,i feel glad to see him in flesh and blood, happy and safe.
and there is this problem with all the KPT's contract and everything.which really makes me confuse and angry at the same time..but then,they got all the say in this matter..looks like my RAV4 would have to wait a little bit longer.
im basically busy thinking about lots of things right now..i couldnt set my priority.
im trying to post pictures later bcoz havent got the time to transfer it yet.

can we start again?

can we start again?
i wish that i could turn back time and say hello once again.
i wish i could undo everything from the start..or if not,went from one door to another door of memory so i could see everything that happened before my eyes.
why do i feel such feeling of disturbance when i see u?or is it another foolish game of mind?
i saw you before you even see me.i knew u before u even turned around.i like u no matter what other friends say about you.
so,can u call me mad for being all over the place with wanting you?
needing you when i couldnt close my eyes at night.
thinking of you when i am so far away across the world.
hoping you would feel the same
wanting you to treasure all the memory
like i have been badly doing since the time started!
so, can we start again?

this rebelliousness

true to the title.im a rebel.today it's supposed to be the time for explorace.and i've at least not attended more than 2 slots of the BIG since it began.today, i didnt go for something that's very disappointing..i dont want to be a slave of something that i m not supposed to follow.so i didnt go.as simple as that.
im a personal person and i take everything little thing personally.so,whatever it is that i find not appropriate for me..i'll just leave it cold.no time to be pretensious.
tomorrow going to be presenting a sajak called si Tanggang's Homecoming because before this course, i have been really honoured to be here..now because of that disappointment..i couldn't be bother.it doesnt mean anything anymore.it only means that i have to stand in front and recite the poem..huhu

Pulau Mamutik from the net

saturday

saturday is a good time to rest and relax for working people. and yes, in my case.it's so true. just finished marking assignment for my students and my head is buzzing-i've catch the flu..huhu thinking of going back home today, but i feel a little tired that i havent begin packing my things yet. my sis phoned and said that there is a kenduri tomorrow.so, it seems that i have to go home today..or probably early tomorrow.i'l decide later. yesterday, my technical students asked me to join them for the picnic in Pulau Mamutik-glad i declined.kalau tidak, im going to be their burden pulak nanti-demam2 pun gatal mo picnic..hehe.im so sorry i didnt join boys..but probably next time.hope there's a next time.

kegilaan

semakin banyak tahu tentang dia, semakin rasa dekat, semakin huru-hara pula rasa.kenapa?bila dia jauh..rasa macam dalam kegelapan..bila dia dekat..tetap rasa kepelikan itu..

The Gentleman from Porlock

See..when you go surfing the net 24/7, you will find something extraordinary..which you cant find if you sit quietly and do your job.
that is what i have found while browsing the net yesterday..hehe.someone i never expected to see and someone whom i have lost contact for almost 2 years?!! well, there are numbers,but the courage to pick the phone and call is missing.
i found my gentleman from porlock after a very long quiet and doubtful time.
so, all this while, when i have been creating accusation and entertaining my stupid thoughts about him, it seems that he's doing just fine.doing something useful and beneficial and been busy all this time.i feel struck by guilt for being cruel to him.although he didnt know..huhu
finding him again..i'll be a stranger this time.let the time do everything this time.or if..let the time heals all.
glad i found you...Dear

a dose of strength

"If we want light, we must conquer darkness. I prefer to see challenges as chances and opportunities to be more mature. I have always wanted to look on the cheerful side. Life is like a mirror if you smile upon it, it smiles back upon you, but if you frown and look doubtful on it, you will get a similar look in return"

i found this while i browse through the net for a poem written by Miss.....from Vietnam.(i forgot her name). The poem's title is "my love is like the first ray of light".it is a very melancholy poem-which made everyone cried when she read it in the World Lite class with DR.F.it was not because of the content. the language used moved everybody on that day...Sheer beauty.Instead, i found this..which i guess is ok..

i like what was written above because i believe that, whatever happened in your life is a reflection of what you do in your everyday life..it's like a mirror,reflecting the things which were put in front of it.

samalah juga bila kita menilai orang.Bila kita prejudis sebelum kenal seseorang itu, apa saja yang dia buat pun kita syak...even the good things.Tapi bila kita sentiasa bersangka baik, we found good and helpful persons in the least unexpected places and time.

what makes you different?

i dont know what makes you different-everytime i think of you-as though im on drug-i keep wanting more and more-my obsession is getting bigger and stronger.
what makes you different?what makes you different?what makes you different?
tell me so i can get over you..this time,for good.

Qaisy dan Laila

"Warkah buatmu Laila
Kendati pun teranyam rasa di penjuru hati
Runtuhan hidup tak mengizinkan kita bermimpi
Keutamaan kita teramat jauh berbeza
Sesungguhnya duniaku di sini bukan syurga"

i found this profound lines when i watched Qaisy dan Laila in TV last night. I knew about it before this but..i thought it was just another movie..
i fell in love with the film when i heard Zahid's rendition of the song in Juara Lagu in one time.and it made my heart goes out in grief when i heard him singing it..so pure,so emotional, and so full of hope and desire.
Last night, when i watched the movie again..i feel the grief of the real world.i can see the issues, the complication of life and the hope which was shattered by war and human selfishness.
How can we even dare to hope in the world that doesnt recognize anything?how can we even dare to hope for anything when what we have can be taken away anytime..without notice?

I am NOT single

huhu...the title is just a hype.im still the very 'de'single creature that i am. i am watching this story for the third time. The first time i watched it, i merely heard the story from my bro because i was busy helping my mum for the open house preparation. Second time i watched, i was with Aliff.He was not well, so i have to keep moving-so, he will feel comfortable sleeping in my arm.
and now-today-this is the third time-im accompanying my aunt watching it...i dont mind at all...i kinda like the movie.
and for the first time..i feel that Farid Kamil is a very appealing person. i like the way he act in this film..so neutral, so relax, biasa2 saja..doesnt pretend to be macho..so normal..been hurt, able to give back and compassionate at the same time..i think i have fall in love...with him.
but then, in movies people can afford to be perfect..the thing that we hardly can do in the real life..Movies allow us to be everything under the sun..hehe
my lecturer, once said that there are so many handsome guy in the silver screen that we dont have to find a real guy in the real world..just pick your choose from the lineup in the silver screen..
so true...hehehe

queer..

today, i went home feeling a little tired. Tired because i couldnt sleep soundly in the night, tired of the journey home from work, and tired seeing the house with almost everything was put everywhere. when i reached home, i was alone..
earlier today, i followed kak Qam to CIMB-UMS. While waiting for her outside the building, i saw a husband and his wife..they were walking hand in hand, the wife was pregnant..i dont know but the way she walk reminded me of "orang yang tidak bermaya"..the kind of helplessness that makes me want to walk away and run..huhu
i really feel terrified by what i see. a helplessness that makes u lost your independence to other people?!!oh, no!
The way i see it- as if the wife cant do anything without the help of her husband-the way she walk as if she couldnt walk without the help of her husband.and as if whatever she do she must ask her husband whether it's correct or not..woah,enough to make me shiver!!?the way she looked at her husband with smiling eyes full of hope..menakutkan..
my problem is that..i dont want to be in the situation where i lost my independence because i have someone to care for me..i dont like the dependency i see when i look at the wife.all i can see in the act is helplessness..
and helplessness is a weakness to me..

bitter taste in the mouth

i am superstitious.i can sense a hypocrite from far away.i know someone in my circle that is trying hard to be good.but there's no use really.dont waste your time. before u open your mouth,i knew that you dont mean what you say.. What's the point of keeping up a facade?it only makes me hate u.
just because i didnt say anything,it doesnt mean that im stupid. just because you didnt show it openly, it doesnt mean that nobody knows about it.
it really leaves a bad taste for me. which remind me of a joke..i said once that those who will get invitation to my wedding are those whom i considered as being sincere..so,if u didnt get one..lu pikirla sndiri..

Lelaki

i dont know but i have to sigh. the other gender seems to be the most difficult thing to comprehend. Sometimes they can be very nice, another time, they are the cruelest and emotionless creature.maybe it's true that they are from mars..
they are unpredictable , i dont know how to rationalise what they do. always have hidden plan..everytime, it pissed me off.i hardly have good opinion about them .they sweet talked their way to women's heart.they cheated and blackmailed.
being a cynic i couldnt help my feeling. but does being the 'miss-i-know-what-u-are-up-to' means that im safe from their endless charms?
i am not saying that girls should anti them, but it's better to be careful all the time.although some of them are real good catch, but there was never any guarantee about it.they can always change.
is it very hard just being nice to the girls in your life?is it asking too much just to show that u care?is it?does it pleased u that u make us cry so much, make us die before an actual death?
and is it comforting for you to beat us for no other reason than just because u are superior than us?
there are so many things u do that simply heartbreaking but i guess u just dont care.all that matters-u get what u want.and it is really resentful to see that some girls willingly accept that kind of treatment.and they make the guy the king in their life.

having said that, im still very much a girl who needs the manly present in my life(joke aside)-though a very feminist one-but i insist on being treated with all due respect,and bukan macam sampah sarap yang boleh di buat suka hati saja.

the road not taken

The Road Not Taken


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost.

-i think i have chosen the road less traveled.and i like what i found.

the road taken..

today is my second last day here.a ceremony was held to officially marked the end of everything.tonight,i'll be following my friend from the jabatan to a little rendezvous somewhere in one borneo.i have said all that i can say in my speech.
my wish is that everything will turn out just fine, and that God will guide me to follow the blessed road of life..insyaallah.

a thoughtful person

well, today is the second time i joined the monthly assembly.i feel a little embarras to join it at first because, when i joined it the first time..i dont feel that i belong..insecurity again..
infact i was having second thought all the time today..for being there,i was rewarded with 2gb pendrive.
to say the least, i like the big boss.so diplomatic,choose his words carefully but nevertheless got the meaning across.i think, he is the right person for the job.i feel that he is a humble person and a very wise and mature person.i become his fan immediately.
he was full of ideas-i think he is a real teacher-a very intellectual person.
well,most of the time, we know an intellectual person by looking at how he behave in his everyday life..and most of the time,people who talk too much..only know how to talk but dont know how to behave accordingly..
he is definitely in my list of idol..;o)

crying out loud!!

im not having a very good thought rite now..it was triggered by one negative feeling after another.
im naturally not an easily angered person.infact, it will take a long a time for me to understand that people are bullying me.But, once when i get the uncomfortable feeling,then it can only mean one thing..that it is the truth.
it pissed me off because, some people think that i am a no brainer..and cant do anything useful.then, what's the meaning of all my efforts all these while?
after the whole day working, i can only feel exhaustion..hmm, maybe,he thinks that he knows everything and i m just a green horn who dont know a single damned thing..such a pity for him..i hope he grows up..sigh...
the mood drags to my class...huhu.
that's why im not sure of staying here.because i dont like the system..furthermore,im a radical golongan muda, i have my own thinking.i simply think that the older system will break my spirit to pieces..i hate the old bureaucracy thingy..it is ancient already..one that's better left aside!

minute to midnight...

what an irony, today is my first day for my last week.im counting down to friday.Come friday, that's the real parting time.huhu

harus bagaimana?

well,these few days i have been trading sms with a person. a person whom i dont know and have no idea how he get my phone number-maybe a friend of my friend.i think this is not the first time such thing happens.
it is important for me to know a person before i can be friend with them, and i dont want to be too involve with them on any term.pelik kenapa mesti terjadi begitu pula..
it is not easy for me to like a person whom i've never met and dont have any ideas about..
harus bagaimana?

goodbye does not mean forever

well, this will be the last week for my training.next week before the hari raya, i'll be at home, enjoying hari raya after two years celebrating it halfway across the world..it means that i have to leave my new friends that i begin to feel very fond of, and my dear students..
i have learned a lot for the last three months.how to boost my confidence everytime,how to control the stress level and how to live among people, and many other things, which are invaluable to my growing up process.it has not surprise me in the least. im feeling a sense of pride for everything that i have gone through all this while.
im proud that i am one of the instrument that help teach the students here.No regrets at all for being a teacher nor doubts.only overwhelming happiness!it has not been a bed of roses, but i would not want it any other ways.
im thinking of giving a little souvenier for my students, not much but i hope it suffice as a statement of thanks.
and im thinking of writing a poem for my friends for being tremendous support, but do not have any idea yet.Maybe, i should take one of Mr.Shakespeare or some other poets..there i am, always the sentimental fool.;o))
i dont know where i'll be posted after this and i dont really mind..coz,wherever the ground i walk on,that's where the sky i look up to.
well, it's time for me to take a bow anyway..

on love

-a piece by Ibn Hazm which interests me when i read it from a book-

Dalam sepi aku bersamanya,
hanya berteman hembusan bayu,
ketika akup malam membentang,
dalam gelap semuanya tenggelam,
hai pujaan...
ghairah hidupku akan hilang kala jauh darimu
amboi,
berharap hidup lama
bukankah tak ada salahnya?
seolah aku, dia dan gelap malam,
serupa tanah, kehidupan, intan,emas
dan besi hitam

-well,it looks like that i didnt lose my poetic sharpness-

On Love

how fast the time runs,
i blink,toss and turn,
and the end is here.
how fast i know you,
you ar there and then i lost you.
how long should i remain aloof,
i run and hide
but i have to face you.
how close should we get, you move and i walk,
and the sweetness is lost forever.
How the memory last forever,
blooming and fading,
and it is just a shade in the past
If the time stops,
and the moment stays,
Would You?

in the rat race

really, this should be written last week, when i feel nothing but mounting tension. but i think i feel better now.my focus has improved tremendously and im able to work with open mind.last week i experienced mixtures of feeling.probably because everybody was busy doing something and everybody was experiencing stress of some sort..so, i might have just absorb all the bad energy.
one thing struck me like cold water was that the one person you can laugh around with is not necessarily the one to play the fool with.
i admired her ability to separate work and play..as well as frightened by it.

my life as a sensei..

huh..this week is supposed to be the most hectic time for me.i was in KL last friday to monday..i came back to KK later on monday night.the first info i got was that my supervisor will come to supervise on the following wednesday..and my lesson plan was not updated since before the break..
and when i went to the office on Tuesday, found out that audit will be on the following thursday..and i have no idea of whether my FRP is in its best condition or not!
my mind wondered around so much..in a mixture of confusion, regret and most of all tiredness.at that time,i dont think i have the energy for anything.that's why i snapped out of my coolness today when my students came in late and forgot to send in their assignment..
but to be sure..im physically and mentally exhausted. it's total miracle that i can pass two supervisions, incomplete lesson plans and the internal audit without so much as getting histerical/-though i did lose my cool a little bit-/huhu.
zara and two others of colleagues go camping somewhere in tuaran..i am planning on going back home today..insya-allah

the days after

several days after deleting the FS, i still feel some regret..if only a few.But i believe that there isnt anything about it that worth moping around. feeling of wanting to know about him, his latest progression,or just wanting to look at him is still very much there in me..but, old habit dies hard..hmm.
luckily i have my new obsession to bank on. i love teaching more and more each day.although, im not the best teacher around but, it's a challenge that cant be resist!
it's good to know that i have something to focus on..coz frankly, i dont want to mope around..

the hardest decision ever..

this is my second blog for the same day..i never done this before.but this is only to be sure of myself.i dont want to think of whether what im doing is the right thing to do.i only want to be sure of the fact that finally i have done something that i cant do before this. i deleted someone on my FS.because the person causes too much temptation, which is better be off than stay there..when we think of right and wrong, we start to rationalise things.that is what i dont want to do.. to rationalise everything and keep my mind wondering of the possibility..tired of doing that all the time..this is the time for action..
i dont want to hang on to ghosts..i want to be able to let go..let go is what i ve done just now..though i feel sad about it..

elusive emotion

im in KL- a three days and four nights trip-hardly a vacation.im here for the convocation.Finally!
but my mind is still at home..thinking about weird feeling i experienced lately.
nothing fancy actually.only i was confused over my feeling towards someone.whenever i go, i can smelled his smell, can see his smile, his face , the sight of cars like his car only makes me thrill..so, what does that tell me?there's no doubt that i like him..but im confuse on whether i 'fall' for him?dont know..
i can dismiss my feeling as nonsense but i couldnt understand why i feel different whenever he is there..let just hope this is just a passing fancy..something i experience because of the new environment.

First thing First

this is hardly my first blog. i was trying to limit my dependency on writing and be more vocal about what i feel,but at one vulnerable moment, writing still gives extreme feeling of comfort. writing gives teraphy of some sort..so u can look deeper into things and analyse meanings.the things that u can never tell anybody about, is easier to write than to talk about it.that's why writing gives so much satisfaction.
there are some aspects of my life that have changed tremendously.being a naturally reserved person, it is hard for me to tell anybody about my feeling, my observation and theories..so i think blogging is the only answer to my desire.
tHat's why i write again in a blog..hopefully this time around i wont be crazy enough to delete it!