i am at home, having a 12 days holiday from the rat race.i arrived before dusk on saturday, and reached home at the wee hour of the next day. We went around town, shopping and had a pit stop at Tg Lipat for Seafood treats...and straight home afterwards.The next day balik kampung and after spending almost 5 hours at my father's home, we headed home againg.
Tomorrow,there will be a kenduri at our house, so, it would be quite eventful this week.There is not enough time to even catch my thought.Preferably.
On Friday, we planned to go swimming at the Hot Spring-for the sake of my baby brother-who had not been able to get Poring out of his mind since the first time my father took him there.
Saturday and Sunday are for weddings. My cousin's and my friend's wedding-nice dress-up event i have always like;o)
well, plans are already made for next week.so, hopefully, we can follow the tentative for next week.
May 31, 2010
May 26, 2010
i have you
i have you,
and it is all that matters,
you have made my dream easier to achieve
grateful is me
whom you have saved
from anguish and worry
you who in unlikely moment,
sprung up,
and has made all the difference.
you are my starting point,
my convenience
and my future.
you would be my forever and ever and after.
i would not stay away from you
until or unless you want me to.
you will always be my priority,
my interest,
and my entire devotion.
you are the beginning to no end...
and it is all that matters,
you have made my dream easier to achieve
grateful is me
whom you have saved
from anguish and worry
you who in unlikely moment,
sprung up,
and has made all the difference.
you are my starting point,
my convenience
and my future.
you would be my forever and ever and after.
i would not stay away from you
until or unless you want me to.
you will always be my priority,
my interest,
and my entire devotion.
you are the beginning to no end...
May 25, 2010
Funeral Blues
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
W.H.Auden
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
W.H.Auden
Change upon Change
Five months ago the stream did flow,
The lilies bloomed within the sedge,
And we were lingering to and fro,
Where none will track thee in this snow,
Along the stream, beside the hedge.
Ah, Sweet, be free to love and go!
For if I do not hear thy foot,
The frozen river is as mute,
The flowers have dried down to the root:
And why, since these be changed since May,
Shouldst thou change less than they.
And slow, slow as the winter snow
The tears have drifted to mine eyes;
And my poor cheeks, five months ago
Set blushing at thy praises so,
Put paleness on for a disguise.
Ah, Sweet, be free to praise and go!
For if my face is turned too pale,
It was thine oath that first did fail, --
It was thy love proved false and frail, --
And why, since these be changed enow,
Should I change less than thou.
-Elizabeth Barret Browning-
The lilies bloomed within the sedge,
And we were lingering to and fro,
Where none will track thee in this snow,
Along the stream, beside the hedge.
Ah, Sweet, be free to love and go!
For if I do not hear thy foot,
The frozen river is as mute,
The flowers have dried down to the root:
And why, since these be changed since May,
Shouldst thou change less than they.
And slow, slow as the winter snow
The tears have drifted to mine eyes;
And my poor cheeks, five months ago
Set blushing at thy praises so,
Put paleness on for a disguise.
Ah, Sweet, be free to praise and go!
For if my face is turned too pale,
It was thine oath that first did fail, --
It was thy love proved false and frail, --
And why, since these be changed enow,
Should I change less than thou.
-Elizabeth Barret Browning-
May 24, 2010
Events
Today was certainly full of events-if i may say that.
in the morning, i went to have breakfast with my friend at the canteen. Met with a certain someone. Actually, this story with him has started as early as April last year-the first time i reported for duty. i will see him from time to time, but i cant really say that i am close to him. There had always been a lot of exchange of banter between us. he is a very serious guy, that i only ever dare to talk to him if or when he started first. to be frank, he has all the criteria that i like in a man. There was a time, when i would meet him almost everyday-and i cant help but admire him for all the quality he has. Sometimes, he ignored me.There were times, when he wouldnt stop talking to me. All my friends are aware of this,and that becomes a point of discussion. i dont quite remember what triggered the talk on marriage, but suddenly he becomes very fond of saying..meminang,meminang,meminang. He can be playful, so i didnt actually take it seriously. So, this morning i purposely ignored him.He was talking to my friend. I didnt say a word.After a while, he began to ask me about when im going to get married. i just smiled. He asked me whether im still waiting for him to "masuk meminang". i smiled again. Playing coy a bit.;o)
i thought it was the end of the conversation, but when we were about to leave, sudddenly, he asked again-am i still waiting for him to "masuk meminang".there were just the three of us there-me,my friend and him.
Suddenly, he was explaining things-i am far, and it would be hard for us to be together-and if things are ok, would I be here with him-and his explanation ends with-tentu kamu tidak mahu tinggal disini-very sad note.He didnt give me any opportunity to say anything!Actually i dont want to say anything.my friend was very excited by now-and as soon as we reached the office, the news came out..To tell the truth,i like him-he is simple, driven, ambitious, kind,mature, modest and i only ever been near him once or twice-but i can see that he is protective. So what else can a girl like me want from a guy?
So, i think anybody who will eventually be his wife would be very lucky indeed.
Today was the meeting for exam-a meeting to-sort of-analyse the students' grade for this semester. some really awkward situation happened during the meeting. Some people were obsessed of lying that they didnt realise when enough is enough. But she was a real tough lady. Either she didnt know that everybody knew, she faked all the exam's grade or she just couldnt be bothered. How can you even pretend to be innocent when you were already caught red-handed?What happened to you?How did you survived 7 years of working if this is how you worked?It was not of any help that my friend made it very obvious that she was making a gross mistake by whispering to me over and again.it made me uncomfortable.i felt like shit sitting there. i felt like screaming-you know what, i dont care!!!!!!!!!!!!!I didnt look at anybody, i kept my eyes fixed on my papers. I hate being dragged along into somebody else's drama.
im going back early after all.i already changed my ticket, and i'll be home in no time.At least, another four days.
im waiting and hoping for something..Oh when can i have you?Huh
in the morning, i went to have breakfast with my friend at the canteen. Met with a certain someone. Actually, this story with him has started as early as April last year-the first time i reported for duty. i will see him from time to time, but i cant really say that i am close to him. There had always been a lot of exchange of banter between us. he is a very serious guy, that i only ever dare to talk to him if or when he started first. to be frank, he has all the criteria that i like in a man. There was a time, when i would meet him almost everyday-and i cant help but admire him for all the quality he has. Sometimes, he ignored me.There were times, when he wouldnt stop talking to me. All my friends are aware of this,and that becomes a point of discussion. i dont quite remember what triggered the talk on marriage, but suddenly he becomes very fond of saying..meminang,meminang,meminang. He can be playful, so i didnt actually take it seriously. So, this morning i purposely ignored him.He was talking to my friend. I didnt say a word.After a while, he began to ask me about when im going to get married. i just smiled. He asked me whether im still waiting for him to "masuk meminang". i smiled again. Playing coy a bit.;o)
i thought it was the end of the conversation, but when we were about to leave, sudddenly, he asked again-am i still waiting for him to "masuk meminang".there were just the three of us there-me,my friend and him.
Suddenly, he was explaining things-i am far, and it would be hard for us to be together-and if things are ok, would I be here with him-and his explanation ends with-tentu kamu tidak mahu tinggal disini-very sad note.He didnt give me any opportunity to say anything!Actually i dont want to say anything.my friend was very excited by now-and as soon as we reached the office, the news came out..To tell the truth,i like him-he is simple, driven, ambitious, kind,mature, modest and i only ever been near him once or twice-but i can see that he is protective. So what else can a girl like me want from a guy?
So, i think anybody who will eventually be his wife would be very lucky indeed.
Today was the meeting for exam-a meeting to-sort of-analyse the students' grade for this semester. some really awkward situation happened during the meeting. Some people were obsessed of lying that they didnt realise when enough is enough. But she was a real tough lady. Either she didnt know that everybody knew, she faked all the exam's grade or she just couldnt be bothered. How can you even pretend to be innocent when you were already caught red-handed?What happened to you?How did you survived 7 years of working if this is how you worked?It was not of any help that my friend made it very obvious that she was making a gross mistake by whispering to me over and again.it made me uncomfortable.i felt like shit sitting there. i felt like screaming-you know what, i dont care!!!!!!!!!!!!!I didnt look at anybody, i kept my eyes fixed on my papers. I hate being dragged along into somebody else's drama.
im going back early after all.i already changed my ticket, and i'll be home in no time.At least, another four days.
im waiting and hoping for something..Oh when can i have you?Huh
May 23, 2010
Lazy Sunday
Progressive
Today was good.by 0830 i was already on the move.the clothes were already dried out.
My breakfast was fried rice with fried fish and black bean,with a cup of Nescafe.
Around 1030, i was flipping through my FRP and watched a movie-Open Season 2. i would say, i like the first one better.
By 1100, TV was so boring. So i checked my mail, checked the FB and read some articles on the net. I met a person with diabetes this week.Being a sweet tooth myself, i couldnt help but wondered about all sorts of possibility. so, i checked articles about diabetes on the net,read about the symptoms.i was scared to death.Probably i should go and check my blood sugar.Of course, i didnt have any of the symptoms but, i guess prevention is better than cure. So, my new mission is to cut on the sweet things and on carbo. Actually in the past, whenever im on diet, i will cut on the sugar intake.But then, it lowered down my blood pressurre-made me dizzy all the time. so the key is to be moderate on everything.Through my observation, sugar also makes me gain weight faster.all the more reason to be in the watch out of sugar intake..huhu
In the afternoon,my aunt called. we talked about many things.She is my very best friend. She was with us since she was small, my gram(father's side) passed away when she was 3 years old. So, naturally she was living with my father(her older brother). In fact, everyone thinks that she is my older sister. She was in UM when i was in IIUM matric.and still in UM, when i was in IIUM Gombak. Imagine the times we were together. we have been through a lot together. during tough times, or happy times-always.Many happy memories. She is the only one person that i can be truly happy and thoroughly mad at the same time.She was such an optimist, but also a bitch(oops)when she is mad...i wouldnt want to be anywhere near her..hehe.Why i am babbling away about her?because i missed her, and was about to call her when my phone rang..what a nice coincidence.:o)i feel glad just talking to her.
My FRP is halfway done.it turned out that i forgot the attendance list on my desk. Hopefully i have enough focus to settle everything tomorrow. There is no point to agonise about it..Nothing can be done even if i worry about it. So tomorrow is it.
It is one more weekend before my leave.But my mind is already halfway across at home.
I.will.try.to.stay.focus.and.enjoy.the.office.for.the.time.being.
Today was good.by 0830 i was already on the move.the clothes were already dried out.
My breakfast was fried rice with fried fish and black bean,with a cup of Nescafe.
Around 1030, i was flipping through my FRP and watched a movie-Open Season 2. i would say, i like the first one better.
By 1100, TV was so boring. So i checked my mail, checked the FB and read some articles on the net. I met a person with diabetes this week.Being a sweet tooth myself, i couldnt help but wondered about all sorts of possibility. so, i checked articles about diabetes on the net,read about the symptoms.i was scared to death.Probably i should go and check my blood sugar.Of course, i didnt have any of the symptoms but, i guess prevention is better than cure. So, my new mission is to cut on the sweet things and on carbo. Actually in the past, whenever im on diet, i will cut on the sugar intake.But then, it lowered down my blood pressurre-made me dizzy all the time. so the key is to be moderate on everything.Through my observation, sugar also makes me gain weight faster.all the more reason to be in the watch out of sugar intake..huhu
In the afternoon,my aunt called. we talked about many things.She is my very best friend. She was with us since she was small, my gram(father's side) passed away when she was 3 years old. So, naturally she was living with my father(her older brother). In fact, everyone thinks that she is my older sister. She was in UM when i was in IIUM matric.and still in UM, when i was in IIUM Gombak. Imagine the times we were together. we have been through a lot together. during tough times, or happy times-always.Many happy memories. She is the only one person that i can be truly happy and thoroughly mad at the same time.She was such an optimist, but also a bitch(oops)when she is mad...i wouldnt want to be anywhere near her..hehe.Why i am babbling away about her?because i missed her, and was about to call her when my phone rang..what a nice coincidence.:o)i feel glad just talking to her.
My FRP is halfway done.it turned out that i forgot the attendance list on my desk. Hopefully i have enough focus to settle everything tomorrow. There is no point to agonise about it..Nothing can be done even if i worry about it. So tomorrow is it.
It is one more weekend before my leave.But my mind is already halfway across at home.
I.will.try.to.stay.focus.and.enjoy.the.office.for.the.time.being.
May 22, 2010
Revolutionary Road
i was moved by Leo Dicaprio's wrath in this movie. i was moved by the emotion. The purging away of emotional distress is so real that i was glued in front of the TV the entire time.
i like the emotion.i like the communicational aspect.i like the maturity in the characters. i feel desperately engaged with the conflicts. i like the portrayal of married life-seemed realistic to me.
Basically, it's about marriage life.Married people say things they dont mean and do things to hurt the other one. Tolerance, passion and lots of give and take, understanding and communication skills are very important in order to survive.Mostly, there is no room for selfishness.
Kate Winslet and Leo Dicaprio portrayed the conflict in a very convincing ways.
i guess married life is that challenging-there is no room for failure.you must always try your best to cooperate. Always at your best for everything.
but somehow, married people forget how to say/show how much the other one meant to him/her-that's why sometimes some events can be interpreted differently, and conflict started.
after i watched the movie, i realised that i dont want to be an irrationally stubborn person, and i would try to stay positive.
This was a revolutionary experience.
i like the emotion.i like the communicational aspect.i like the maturity in the characters. i feel desperately engaged with the conflicts. i like the portrayal of married life-seemed realistic to me.
Basically, it's about marriage life.Married people say things they dont mean and do things to hurt the other one. Tolerance, passion and lots of give and take, understanding and communication skills are very important in order to survive.Mostly, there is no room for selfishness.
Kate Winslet and Leo Dicaprio portrayed the conflict in a very convincing ways.
i guess married life is that challenging-there is no room for failure.you must always try your best to cooperate. Always at your best for everything.
but somehow, married people forget how to say/show how much the other one meant to him/her-that's why sometimes some events can be interpreted differently, and conflict started.
after i watched the movie, i realised that i dont want to be an irrationally stubborn person, and i would try to stay positive.
This was a revolutionary experience.
Kepadamu Kekasih
KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku berserah
Kerana ku tahu Kau lebih mengerti
Apa yang terlukis di cermin wajahku ini
Apa yang tersirat di hati
Bersama amali
KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku bertanya
Apakah Kau akan menerimaku kembali
Atau harus menghitung lagi
Segala jasa dan bakti
Atau harus mencampakku ke sisi
Tanpa harga diri
Hanya padaMu Kekasih
Aku tinggalkan
Jawapan yang belum ku temukan
Yang bakal aku nantikan
Bila malam menjemputku lena beradu
KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku serahkan
Jiwa dan raga
Jua segalanya
Apakah Kau akan menerima penyerahan ini
Apakah Kau akan menerimaku
Dalam keadaan begini?
-M.Nasir-
Aku berserah
Kerana ku tahu Kau lebih mengerti
Apa yang terlukis di cermin wajahku ini
Apa yang tersirat di hati
Bersama amali
KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku bertanya
Apakah Kau akan menerimaku kembali
Atau harus menghitung lagi
Segala jasa dan bakti
Atau harus mencampakku ke sisi
Tanpa harga diri
Hanya padaMu Kekasih
Aku tinggalkan
Jawapan yang belum ku temukan
Yang bakal aku nantikan
Bila malam menjemputku lena beradu
KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku serahkan
Jiwa dan raga
Jua segalanya
Apakah Kau akan menerima penyerahan ini
Apakah Kau akan menerimaku
Dalam keadaan begini?
-M.Nasir-
May 20, 2010
Indeed
I know im being unkind and being hard on myself and being extra hard on other people. Looking back at yesterday, it was as much my fault as it is for everybody else involved.
I shouldnt have started with the first step.
Maybe this is God's way of telling me that the defect is in my thinking.
And the result was the suffering and heartbreak that i felt.i brought it onto myself.
The moral value is, i got the chance to learn about the defect first-hand.And it makes my experience a very unique one.
i believe that whatever happens in our life is determined by what we do in everyday life. So, if u feel that life is unfair..ask yourself..was there something that you did, which invite those unfairness?
Andrew Matthews stated in his book:Dont ever think that your surrounding doesnt affect you.
Our surrounding will always has an influence to the way we think or act, but we decided whether to react or respond..
i understand that, things are beyond repair,even if i managed to retain some, nothing would ever be the same again. Everything has lost its sacredness. I cant possibly change other people. The best thing i can do is to mind my own business. and keep the rest at bay..for the moment.to tell the truth, i cant afford to be kind to anyone right now. Because i dont have enough kindness for myself.
Im glad that finally i come to the point where my mind is not raging with swear words.Im glad that my condition improved.im made of flesh and blood.it is only natural that i reacted to something that is hurtful to me.
Heartache and human misdeed are part and parcel of life.What a bitter experience compared to a lifetime full of blessing from God?all these while, i get all the best things life can offer, i guess it is not for me to complaint about one bad experience...
It was a good lesson indeed.
I shouldnt have started with the first step.
Maybe this is God's way of telling me that the defect is in my thinking.
And the result was the suffering and heartbreak that i felt.i brought it onto myself.
The moral value is, i got the chance to learn about the defect first-hand.And it makes my experience a very unique one.
i believe that whatever happens in our life is determined by what we do in everyday life. So, if u feel that life is unfair..ask yourself..was there something that you did, which invite those unfairness?
Andrew Matthews stated in his book:Dont ever think that your surrounding doesnt affect you.
Our surrounding will always has an influence to the way we think or act, but we decided whether to react or respond..
i understand that, things are beyond repair,even if i managed to retain some, nothing would ever be the same again. Everything has lost its sacredness. I cant possibly change other people. The best thing i can do is to mind my own business. and keep the rest at bay..for the moment.to tell the truth, i cant afford to be kind to anyone right now. Because i dont have enough kindness for myself.
Im glad that finally i come to the point where my mind is not raging with swear words.Im glad that my condition improved.im made of flesh and blood.it is only natural that i reacted to something that is hurtful to me.
Heartache and human misdeed are part and parcel of life.What a bitter experience compared to a lifetime full of blessing from God?all these while, i get all the best things life can offer, i guess it is not for me to complaint about one bad experience...
It was a good lesson indeed.
May 19, 2010
Hutang
Akhirnya hutang sudah langsai. tiada apa lagi yang mengikat antara kita. Sebagaimana hari tu kamu beli kek harijadi untuk saya, maka macam tu jugalah yang saya buat hari ni.Puas hati lah. tak perlulah kamu asyik fikir yang kamu beli kek yang berharga Rm28 untuk saya..sebab saya sudah belikan kamu kek yang berharga RM40..kira sekali dengan bunga.
kata dan fikiran kamu sudah tidak guna lagi.tiada efek kepada saya. simpanlah untuk sesi yang lain ya.
dan kamu, jika saya menjengkelkan kamu-buat apa tunggu lagi.Blahlah.Tak perlu beritahu kejengkelan kamu tu.Tiada efek kepada saya ya. terima kasih.
Yang penting, hutang sudah langsai.cerita saya habis setakat ini. Lebih2 karang orang akan cakap menjengkelkan..
kata dan fikiran kamu sudah tidak guna lagi.tiada efek kepada saya. simpanlah untuk sesi yang lain ya.
dan kamu, jika saya menjengkelkan kamu-buat apa tunggu lagi.Blahlah.Tak perlu beritahu kejengkelan kamu tu.Tiada efek kepada saya ya. terima kasih.
Yang penting, hutang sudah langsai.cerita saya habis setakat ini. Lebih2 karang orang akan cakap menjengkelkan..
May 18, 2010
Ground Rules
Today went well.Except for some glaring incident which was purely childishness on my part.But, everything is under control because i have a very good friend who rescued me from unwanted scene.Thank you so much,Kou Tau..:o)
i spent the day settling my BMC-counting grades and altering subjects for people who think that it is covenient to leave things until the eleventh hour..Well, i can say,it was done. the only thing to settle is my FRP,report for EFD, and surat lantikan for the program. i can complete everything before i go home. The only thing i need is focus.Insya Allah.
One thing i realise today-people just cant be trusted-period.No matter how right or wrong they are, the only thing you can count on is yourself.people-they have the tendency to pandai-pandai cerita/reka-reka cerita/suka-suka cerita-everything under the sun..and pretend as if they dont do a thing. Pretend lah.How about I pretend to be your friend as well?Good idea right?well, game on baby!Teruskan jadi talam dua muka.Jangan busuk hati sangat bah.
i am bored of people who just cant be bothered and always only selfishly think about themselves. Bored and tired of people who complaint about how selfish or how bad other people are-u sendiri pun sama. Ground rules saya senang saja-u come in friendship be at peace,you come in conflict then it's your lost.!
semester ini bolehlah dikatakan yang paling banyak pengajaran tentang manusia. Rasa macam L.I pula. Buat eksperimen tentang manusia. Memang seronoklah.Terbaik!
i spent the day settling my BMC-counting grades and altering subjects for people who think that it is covenient to leave things until the eleventh hour..Well, i can say,it was done. the only thing to settle is my FRP,report for EFD, and surat lantikan for the program. i can complete everything before i go home. The only thing i need is focus.Insya Allah.
One thing i realise today-people just cant be trusted-period.No matter how right or wrong they are, the only thing you can count on is yourself.people-they have the tendency to pandai-pandai cerita/reka-reka cerita/suka-suka cerita-everything under the sun..and pretend as if they dont do a thing. Pretend lah.How about I pretend to be your friend as well?Good idea right?well, game on baby!Teruskan jadi talam dua muka.Jangan busuk hati sangat bah.
i am bored of people who just cant be bothered and always only selfishly think about themselves. Bored and tired of people who complaint about how selfish or how bad other people are-u sendiri pun sama. Ground rules saya senang saja-u come in friendship be at peace,you come in conflict then it's your lost.!
semester ini bolehlah dikatakan yang paling banyak pengajaran tentang manusia. Rasa macam L.I pula. Buat eksperimen tentang manusia. Memang seronoklah.Terbaik!
May 17, 2010
Looking Forward, Moving Ahead
Today was quite uneventful.
In the morning, i invigilated the exam in the main hall.In the afternoon,went out with my friend to BR only to be told that i need to ask someone to certify my documents.i was a little snappy.First, the admin people misplaced my documents and i had to fill in everything again. Secondly, the person in charge was so lazy, she didnt want to alter the content of the documents-which was incorrect. Thirdly, these people in BR didnt specify their requirement and i had to do everything twice..huh.What the FISH!But i managed to control my seemingly overabundance emotion. i keep my cool pretty well..:O)
In the afternoon, i spent the day printing out PBs and checking for MIA students. Ustaz has approved my leave, so i have to work extra hard, so that i can have a blast during my holiday-which to say the least, are already well planned..:o)
The killjoy was-i have to attend a Quality Workshop on the 19-21 of May.Oh, well..one cant have too many of a good thing.
Somebody is actually being quite nice today. and actually striking up a conversation.and was actually staring at me twice. at least i caught him twice.and was actually being absurd.i tell you what..stick to what you know best!Dont waste your time being someone you are not!
Found a long lost friend today.
My mantra-looking forward, moving ahead..or is it looking ahead,moving forward?as long as it means progress,then it is.
In the morning, i invigilated the exam in the main hall.In the afternoon,went out with my friend to BR only to be told that i need to ask someone to certify my documents.i was a little snappy.First, the admin people misplaced my documents and i had to fill in everything again. Secondly, the person in charge was so lazy, she didnt want to alter the content of the documents-which was incorrect. Thirdly, these people in BR didnt specify their requirement and i had to do everything twice..huh.What the FISH!But i managed to control my seemingly overabundance emotion. i keep my cool pretty well..:O)
In the afternoon, i spent the day printing out PBs and checking for MIA students. Ustaz has approved my leave, so i have to work extra hard, so that i can have a blast during my holiday-which to say the least, are already well planned..:o)
The killjoy was-i have to attend a Quality Workshop on the 19-21 of May.Oh, well..one cant have too many of a good thing.
Somebody is actually being quite nice today. and actually striking up a conversation.and was actually staring at me twice. at least i caught him twice.and was actually being absurd.i tell you what..stick to what you know best!Dont waste your time being someone you are not!
Found a long lost friend today.
My mantra-looking forward, moving ahead..or is it looking ahead,moving forward?as long as it means progress,then it is.
May 13, 2010
Thought
Today was good.
i was late again this morning, my momentum was pulled backward because usually i stayed up quite late at night to finish marking. sometimes, i slept so late at night because i had trouble concentrating, and had to stop once in a while.But i like the satisfaction of actually finishing the works. My friend is on leave and wont be back until Monday, so i have a good reason to stay away from the office and finish my marking at the meeting room. i love the meeting room, mainly because it allows me to concentrate on what im doing. i dont see anybody and dont hear any sound. currently, im highly sensitive to my background that it can easily distract me.
my emotion is still all over the places.But i can handle it now. Before, i was in total emotional wreck. Infact, these few days i was still crying like mad for nothing. i realize now that there is no use crying over a lost cause.i was tired with all the turmoils. i hate him and im miserable.i hate her and im miserable. so what's the point? I am praying to Allah to guide me throughout and beyond the storm..i prayed hard for the strenght to be.
i noticed twice today..him and her..i choose to ignore that.i understand why he was badmouthing her in front of other people.Because he wanted people to hate her, so he can be her knight in shining armour.Pretending to support her all the way.Do you seriously think that people wont know?Truly, he lived down to my expection..Pity her, but if only she didnt go along with him and betrayed me with what she do..i would still want to be her friend.Now, i couldnt. Not because i have other friend..but i really cant and wont accept betrayal.Just call me egoist, i wont mind. I have been quite a good girl all these while, and look at the mess people throw at me!So, i preferred it to be this way. Im protecting myself from further damage.
Cant i at least be civil about it? Not at the moment.
Looking at how things turn out, i cant help but reflect on it. i prayed that Allah will make this bearable for me, and show me the best way to act and think.and i cried so much because there were times, when i just cant stand the pressure.And when i look around, I knew that Allah the almighty is Just.He shows His love at every turn.i never pray for people to suffer. Prayer is a sacred connection between a man and his Creator-The best way for you to ask for betterment and improvemnet for your life.not using it up to condemn other people. i was focusing so much on the negatives, i didnt realize that my life is doing fine.infact lots of positive energy everywhere.
Indeed, when you find a good thing in your life and you dont know how to appreciate it, then it is a serious lost. My friend said, what you give, you will get back..things that goes around, will definitely be coming around to you. So, if i dont quit, or cheat or run home...Cliche,but cliche is predictable.cliche is solid ground of reason at least.
I just need a little more time to completely clear a corner in my head..not to mention my heart.
i was late again this morning, my momentum was pulled backward because usually i stayed up quite late at night to finish marking. sometimes, i slept so late at night because i had trouble concentrating, and had to stop once in a while.But i like the satisfaction of actually finishing the works. My friend is on leave and wont be back until Monday, so i have a good reason to stay away from the office and finish my marking at the meeting room. i love the meeting room, mainly because it allows me to concentrate on what im doing. i dont see anybody and dont hear any sound. currently, im highly sensitive to my background that it can easily distract me.
my emotion is still all over the places.But i can handle it now. Before, i was in total emotional wreck. Infact, these few days i was still crying like mad for nothing. i realize now that there is no use crying over a lost cause.i was tired with all the turmoils. i hate him and im miserable.i hate her and im miserable. so what's the point? I am praying to Allah to guide me throughout and beyond the storm..i prayed hard for the strenght to be.
i noticed twice today..him and her..i choose to ignore that.i understand why he was badmouthing her in front of other people.Because he wanted people to hate her, so he can be her knight in shining armour.Pretending to support her all the way.Do you seriously think that people wont know?Truly, he lived down to my expection..Pity her, but if only she didnt go along with him and betrayed me with what she do..i would still want to be her friend.Now, i couldnt. Not because i have other friend..but i really cant and wont accept betrayal.Just call me egoist, i wont mind. I have been quite a good girl all these while, and look at the mess people throw at me!So, i preferred it to be this way. Im protecting myself from further damage.
Cant i at least be civil about it? Not at the moment.
Looking at how things turn out, i cant help but reflect on it. i prayed that Allah will make this bearable for me, and show me the best way to act and think.and i cried so much because there were times, when i just cant stand the pressure.And when i look around, I knew that Allah the almighty is Just.He shows His love at every turn.i never pray for people to suffer. Prayer is a sacred connection between a man and his Creator-The best way for you to ask for betterment and improvemnet for your life.not using it up to condemn other people. i was focusing so much on the negatives, i didnt realize that my life is doing fine.infact lots of positive energy everywhere.
Indeed, when you find a good thing in your life and you dont know how to appreciate it, then it is a serious lost. My friend said, what you give, you will get back..things that goes around, will definitely be coming around to you. So, if i dont quit, or cheat or run home...Cliche,but cliche is predictable.cliche is solid ground of reason at least.
I just need a little more time to completely clear a corner in my head..not to mention my heart.
May 12, 2010
kertas putih yang terakhir
Hari-hariku yang berlalu,
bagai tiada hentinya,
kertas putih bertukar ganti,
Huh, bila kan habis ni?
Aku penanti setia,
bersama dakwat merah yang mengguris,
melukis dan membilang
kertas putih yang terakhir,
masih belum ketemu.
sekali lintasan fikiran,
sekali ku menyusup jauh ke khayalan,
anatara sedar dan khayal,
ku gagahkan jua
demi kertas putih yang terakhir.
Kertas putih yang menipis
bersama senyum segaris
dakwat merah mulai haus.
sedikit lagi, sabarlah sedikit.
Ah, tenanglah sedikit hati,
kertas putih yang terakhir kan ketemu jua
esok atau lusa.
Habislah ia.
bagai tiada hentinya,
kertas putih bertukar ganti,
Huh, bila kan habis ni?
Aku penanti setia,
bersama dakwat merah yang mengguris,
melukis dan membilang
kertas putih yang terakhir,
masih belum ketemu.
sekali lintasan fikiran,
sekali ku menyusup jauh ke khayalan,
anatara sedar dan khayal,
ku gagahkan jua
demi kertas putih yang terakhir.
Kertas putih yang menipis
bersama senyum segaris
dakwat merah mulai haus.
sedikit lagi, sabarlah sedikit.
Ah, tenanglah sedikit hati,
kertas putih yang terakhir kan ketemu jua
esok atau lusa.
Habislah ia.
May 9, 2010
Rambling rambles
i dont know how to describe my weekend.Mixture of everything. Boredoom, exasperation,panic-it is all eating up on me.
on saturday morning, i went to the office, to finish marking my students's file-which i had conveniently left on Friday.i was there at 0815, expecting that the person holding the key would be there as soon as he can. But,unfortunately, i waited for another 15 minutes.i was planning to work untill 1100am.so any hindrance get on my nerves easily..huhu.so i wasted around 45 minutes waiting and getting everything i needed.
Around 1100am, my friends came, and we went out to the town.i was not in good mood, and i cant think of anything to say.so, i pretended to be sleepy. my mind was really in negative state,i was afraid that if i said anything, somebody would get killed.She said something that triggered my murderous thought..and it spoiled my mood.
We ate at KFC. Met some x-students of mine,who complaint about a certain someone. Why she is this and that?i listened,feigning interest-just by hearing people mentioning a certain someone's name triggered my murderous thought..again.Huh,i was suffering for nothing!!Why Today of all day?!and another bitching session afterwards.ARGH!!!!
and later on, i went to take my baju kurung from the tailor.Guess what?not done yet, and she promised that i can get it by Monday-3/5/2010.it was saturday already..HUH?WHAT DID I DO TO YOU ALL TO DESERVE THESE???????My suffering is prolonged by people who go from one store to another, lingered around and bought nothing!!
and at night, my students came-had a sleepover party.I dont mind them coming-a good diversion for my murderous thought.But sometimes during the night, i was awaken by people laughing and talking loudly. they didnt sleep until 2 in the morning..The night air was hot and the TV was turned on too loud, and they were moving around here and there so much,it kept me awake.and then suddenly the sounds died down. i thought for the better. Hmm,after a few second, they came rushing to my room, said that there is something wrong with the fan in the room.the switch was on fire. smoke everywhere.so, i went to switch off the main switch, we all were very quiet for a long time.Nobody slept at any room. we all slept at the living room..Huh.
People said, negative emotions attract negative things. i think it's the truth,when you think in a negative way, you begin to react, and your reaction will lead to another thing,usually many negatives will bring about even more negative things. Look what happened to my days. almost entirely negative things.
positive things yesterday:
a)managed to mark exam papers for 2 classes
b)was able to handle the panic situation accordingly.one of my students actually cried...frightened
c)did not say anything that i might regret later..not even to the auntie.:o),
d)many other small things that i feel proud of.
on saturday morning, i went to the office, to finish marking my students's file-which i had conveniently left on Friday.i was there at 0815, expecting that the person holding the key would be there as soon as he can. But,unfortunately, i waited for another 15 minutes.i was planning to work untill 1100am.so any hindrance get on my nerves easily..huhu.so i wasted around 45 minutes waiting and getting everything i needed.
Around 1100am, my friends came, and we went out to the town.i was not in good mood, and i cant think of anything to say.so, i pretended to be sleepy. my mind was really in negative state,i was afraid that if i said anything, somebody would get killed.She said something that triggered my murderous thought..and it spoiled my mood.
We ate at KFC. Met some x-students of mine,who complaint about a certain someone. Why she is this and that?i listened,feigning interest-just by hearing people mentioning a certain someone's name triggered my murderous thought..again.Huh,i was suffering for nothing!!Why Today of all day?!and another bitching session afterwards.ARGH!!!!
and later on, i went to take my baju kurung from the tailor.Guess what?not done yet, and she promised that i can get it by Monday-3/5/2010.it was saturday already..HUH?WHAT DID I DO TO YOU ALL TO DESERVE THESE???????My suffering is prolonged by people who go from one store to another, lingered around and bought nothing!!
and at night, my students came-had a sleepover party.I dont mind them coming-a good diversion for my murderous thought.But sometimes during the night, i was awaken by people laughing and talking loudly. they didnt sleep until 2 in the morning..The night air was hot and the TV was turned on too loud, and they were moving around here and there so much,it kept me awake.and then suddenly the sounds died down. i thought for the better. Hmm,after a few second, they came rushing to my room, said that there is something wrong with the fan in the room.the switch was on fire. smoke everywhere.so, i went to switch off the main switch, we all were very quiet for a long time.Nobody slept at any room. we all slept at the living room..Huh.
People said, negative emotions attract negative things. i think it's the truth,when you think in a negative way, you begin to react, and your reaction will lead to another thing,usually many negatives will bring about even more negative things. Look what happened to my days. almost entirely negative things.
positive things yesterday:
a)managed to mark exam papers for 2 classes
b)was able to handle the panic situation accordingly.one of my students actually cried...frightened
c)did not say anything that i might regret later..not even to the auntie.:o),
d)many other small things that i feel proud of.
May 7, 2010
Raging Mad
Bagaimana baru kau puas hati?
Apa yang kau mahu?
Bukankah menjauhkan diri kau dari aku sudah cukup baik?
atau kau mahu perang yang sebenar?
Silap sungguh perkiraan aku tentang kau..
kau memang apa yang kau tunjukkan.
dingin, kejam dan tak peduli
Huh, silapnya aku kerana percaya kau taklah sekejam itu.
Hey,jangan cuba minta perhatian
dengan mengalihkan salah itu pada aku.
kau ni bukan sahaja bodoh..
malah tak berfikiran langsung!
jadi, apa agaknya yang menarik tentang kau pada mulanya?
kau pelik ya..
sanggup pula kau canai keburukan kekasih hati kau tu kepada orang lain..
apa kau fikir,
dengan menyuluhkan semua salah dia,
orang takkan boleh nampak cacatnya kau?
cetek sungguh fikiran kau!
memang dasar keanak-anakan!
Marahkah aku?
Huh,alang-alang kau kata aku jerit pada kau...
Nah,sekarang kau boleh saksikan sejauhmana marahnya aku pada kau!
suka kan?
Puas hati sekarang?
hey "kawan"
jika kau berniat untuk menyakiti aku..
untuk pengetahuan kau, aku sudah lebih dari sakit hati
tidak perlu tambah-tambah lagi.
Tak perlu..
Apa kata..
kau jalan saja berpegangan tangan dengan kekasih hati kau
yang pembohong sama macam kau.
jangan pura-pura suci macam malaikat,
tapi belakang macam sial!
oh ya.kamu memang pasangan yang sepadan.
kau boleh kata aku emosi, mental, atau merapu.
Ada aku kisah?!?!
kau akan tetap kata banyak benda.
suka hati kau lah.
itu saja yang kau tau kan?
salute untu kau..
Permainan yang hebat!!!
(sighed)
bila jadi kawan kau, aku hanya fikir yang baik tentang kau. kau tahu?aku sangat kecewa.kerana kau sendiri yang membuktikan bahawa apa saja yang orang sekeliling kata tentang kau memang betul.kau...tidak berusaha untuk buktikan kau sebaliknya.jadi kau tentu boleh bayangkan kecewanya aku. kau membuktikan semua keraguan tentang kau benar, sayang...
kau tak tahu betapa aku sangat terluka begini.tapi lebih baik sekarang, lebih baik patah hati sekaligus sekarang.dan habis disini sahaja.lebih baik.
Kau membuatkan aku orang yang sangat terluka..Terima Kasih
Apa yang kau mahu?
Bukankah menjauhkan diri kau dari aku sudah cukup baik?
atau kau mahu perang yang sebenar?
Silap sungguh perkiraan aku tentang kau..
kau memang apa yang kau tunjukkan.
dingin, kejam dan tak peduli
Huh, silapnya aku kerana percaya kau taklah sekejam itu.
Hey,jangan cuba minta perhatian
dengan mengalihkan salah itu pada aku.
kau ni bukan sahaja bodoh..
malah tak berfikiran langsung!
jadi, apa agaknya yang menarik tentang kau pada mulanya?
kau pelik ya..
sanggup pula kau canai keburukan kekasih hati kau tu kepada orang lain..
apa kau fikir,
dengan menyuluhkan semua salah dia,
orang takkan boleh nampak cacatnya kau?
cetek sungguh fikiran kau!
memang dasar keanak-anakan!
Marahkah aku?
Huh,alang-alang kau kata aku jerit pada kau...
Nah,sekarang kau boleh saksikan sejauhmana marahnya aku pada kau!
suka kan?
Puas hati sekarang?
hey "kawan"
jika kau berniat untuk menyakiti aku..
untuk pengetahuan kau, aku sudah lebih dari sakit hati
tidak perlu tambah-tambah lagi.
Tak perlu..
Apa kata..
kau jalan saja berpegangan tangan dengan kekasih hati kau
yang pembohong sama macam kau.
jangan pura-pura suci macam malaikat,
tapi belakang macam sial!
oh ya.kamu memang pasangan yang sepadan.
kau boleh kata aku emosi, mental, atau merapu.
Ada aku kisah?!?!
kau akan tetap kata banyak benda.
suka hati kau lah.
itu saja yang kau tau kan?
salute untu kau..
Permainan yang hebat!!!
(sighed)
bila jadi kawan kau, aku hanya fikir yang baik tentang kau. kau tahu?aku sangat kecewa.kerana kau sendiri yang membuktikan bahawa apa saja yang orang sekeliling kata tentang kau memang betul.kau...tidak berusaha untuk buktikan kau sebaliknya.jadi kau tentu boleh bayangkan kecewanya aku. kau membuktikan semua keraguan tentang kau benar, sayang...
kau tak tahu betapa aku sangat terluka begini.tapi lebih baik sekarang, lebih baik patah hati sekaligus sekarang.dan habis disini sahaja.lebih baik.
Kau membuatkan aku orang yang sangat terluka..Terima Kasih
May 5, 2010
Sekaligus
im on a campaign.
Campaign title: Let's Get Better
Objective : Restoration of self belief, and healing of internal wounds
Strategy : limit communication,distance proximity, stay away from anything
related to the target. NO unnecessary banter, or comment.
Result : So far, so good.
Lost in my own sorrow,
i dont know which way to go,
because you,
have blurred my line of reasoning.
Goodbye forever,
there is nothing left here,
let's move on somewhere,
where there is no You and Me.
or
Us.
Campaign title: Let's Get Better
Objective : Restoration of self belief, and healing of internal wounds
Strategy : limit communication,distance proximity, stay away from anything
related to the target. NO unnecessary banter, or comment.
Result : So far, so good.
Lost in my own sorrow,
i dont know which way to go,
because you,
have blurred my line of reasoning.
Goodbye forever,
there is nothing left here,
let's move on somewhere,
where there is no You and Me.
or
Us.
May 3, 2010
I seriously dont know
Yes.The fun Day was over.and it was not fun at all.
It was all over the places with everything was everywhere.To say the least.
I am not one who like to bitch around and complaint about things. Because i know i have been doing everything i can for this program. i couldnt possibly worry about everything.After all im just a secretary.im not the PC. I dont know much either but i like the learning part, the challenge of actually doing something, the sweat, the mental energy-basically everything that i can learn from this program.i am that type of person.i love doing something challenging..something i dont know. I dislike people who complaint so much or people who dont seem to know their functions.I dislike people who love to give excuses.
To say the least, the program was half completed.And there are so very many things that needed to be done before we can actually call it a program.This is my first ever program in which i cant see a clear achievement.All i see was loose ends everywhere. i couldnt say i didnt enjoy it either..Enjoyment is relative. My enjoyment was having fulfilled all the tasks that needed to be done.But most of all, because the speech i wrote for ustaz was read, and it sounded nice and the boss praised him for that. Enough contentment for me. im a very simple minded person...:o).
But my head was banging inside because our boss said, that i keep on disappearing on the event,when actually i have to do so many other things which if i just let it be, the Fun Day would be worst.im not asking anyone to praise me for what i do.So far, i have liked the teamwork in our Jabatan, but when it comes to work,well not everyone is willing to do everything. So rather than waste the energy agonising about people who dont want to do anything, or dont do a thing, or dont work,or get angry for whatever, let's just let it done and over with, no complaining, no bitching about. Oh yes, World's peace!:o)
Yeah, well.people might say that it is not fair for me to be so tired while somebody is not doing his/her works.But i was thinking:i benefit a lots by doing all of these-experience,expertise, skills, knowledge, connection and many other things. Effort is reward in itself.:o)
If other people fail to see this as a learning ground,then i couldnt possibly say more.
It was all over the places with everything was everywhere.To say the least.
I am not one who like to bitch around and complaint about things. Because i know i have been doing everything i can for this program. i couldnt possibly worry about everything.After all im just a secretary.im not the PC. I dont know much either but i like the learning part, the challenge of actually doing something, the sweat, the mental energy-basically everything that i can learn from this program.i am that type of person.i love doing something challenging..something i dont know. I dislike people who complaint so much or people who dont seem to know their functions.I dislike people who love to give excuses.
To say the least, the program was half completed.And there are so very many things that needed to be done before we can actually call it a program.This is my first ever program in which i cant see a clear achievement.All i see was loose ends everywhere. i couldnt say i didnt enjoy it either..Enjoyment is relative. My enjoyment was having fulfilled all the tasks that needed to be done.But most of all, because the speech i wrote for ustaz was read, and it sounded nice and the boss praised him for that. Enough contentment for me. im a very simple minded person...:o).
But my head was banging inside because our boss said, that i keep on disappearing on the event,when actually i have to do so many other things which if i just let it be, the Fun Day would be worst.im not asking anyone to praise me for what i do.So far, i have liked the teamwork in our Jabatan, but when it comes to work,well not everyone is willing to do everything. So rather than waste the energy agonising about people who dont want to do anything, or dont do a thing, or dont work,or get angry for whatever, let's just let it done and over with, no complaining, no bitching about. Oh yes, World's peace!:o)
Yeah, well.people might say that it is not fair for me to be so tired while somebody is not doing his/her works.But i was thinking:i benefit a lots by doing all of these-experience,expertise, skills, knowledge, connection and many other things. Effort is reward in itself.:o)
If other people fail to see this as a learning ground,then i couldnt possibly say more.
May 2, 2010
Today
Today went well.
i watched:
a) Dead poet's Society
b)Moulin Rouge..im not sure about the spelling
c) The Hot Chick-i think i've watched it hundreds time..but fine.
d)Down with Love-a Hongkong drama series on 8TV about a nanny who fell in love with her handsome boss.
e)Twilight..i dont know how people can watch it over and over again..it's quite boring.i've watched it 3 times already
f)Bhoothnath-a ghost story starring Amitabh and SRK-i have always wanted to watch this since last year, and yeah..it was quite ok.
g)Drive Time Murder-an investigation story which was queer.But the plot was ok.
h)Sunday Night-wanna watch The Rock in Race to the Witch Mountain..if im not mistaken...i Love The Rock..hehehe
i basically skipped House and CSI.I watched PCK and Mr Siao's mandarin class.
i did:
a)Go out shopping for the Fun Day-things for the corners.
b)Go out with my friends planning to not buy anything but in the end, we all bought something..huhu
c)Went to the office gift-wrapping with another one of my friend.The Fun day is tomorrow!
d)Finished things related to tentative for the program, and speeches..whew!WAS challenging!
e)Finished marking bundles of papers-which mean i can concentrate more on other works.Yeah!!!
i cooked:
a)Chicken soup with cucumber.
b)buttered ommelette-again,im very bad with spelling
c)a type of kuih-which i dont know its name, but it is one of my mum's favourite
d)Ayam masak kicap...
I realized that i didnt really cook anything heavy for a long time. So, i just followed my mood.Im going to be easy on the food, because im on diet for my cousin's wedding.Huh, i dont want to appear like "a dolphin wearing a kebaya" during the majlis.Hahahahaha.What an image...;o)and also because health is my main priority.
i also realized that im tired of being and thinking the way i was before-i have no mood for everything, i couldnt do anything better, i was terribly sensitive-well,i dont have to. i decided to be happy.i choose to be happy.i want to better.i want my life back!InsyaAllah, InsyaAllah, InsyaAllah.
i watched:
a) Dead poet's Society
b)Moulin Rouge..im not sure about the spelling
c) The Hot Chick-i think i've watched it hundreds time..but fine.
d)Down with Love-a Hongkong drama series on 8TV about a nanny who fell in love with her handsome boss.
e)Twilight..i dont know how people can watch it over and over again..it's quite boring.i've watched it 3 times already
f)Bhoothnath-a ghost story starring Amitabh and SRK-i have always wanted to watch this since last year, and yeah..it was quite ok.
g)Drive Time Murder-an investigation story which was queer.But the plot was ok.
h)Sunday Night-wanna watch The Rock in Race to the Witch Mountain..if im not mistaken...i Love The Rock..hehehe
i basically skipped House and CSI.I watched PCK and Mr Siao's mandarin class.
i did:
a)Go out shopping for the Fun Day-things for the corners.
b)Go out with my friends planning to not buy anything but in the end, we all bought something..huhu
c)Went to the office gift-wrapping with another one of my friend.The Fun day is tomorrow!
d)Finished things related to tentative for the program, and speeches..whew!WAS challenging!
e)Finished marking bundles of papers-which mean i can concentrate more on other works.Yeah!!!
i cooked:
a)Chicken soup with cucumber.
b)buttered ommelette-again,im very bad with spelling
c)a type of kuih-which i dont know its name, but it is one of my mum's favourite
d)Ayam masak kicap...
I realized that i didnt really cook anything heavy for a long time. So, i just followed my mood.Im going to be easy on the food, because im on diet for my cousin's wedding.Huh, i dont want to appear like "a dolphin wearing a kebaya" during the majlis.Hahahahaha.What an image...;o)and also because health is my main priority.
i also realized that im tired of being and thinking the way i was before-i have no mood for everything, i couldnt do anything better, i was terribly sensitive-well,i dont have to. i decided to be happy.i choose to be happy.i want to better.i want my life back!InsyaAllah, InsyaAllah, InsyaAllah.
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