Most 2010

well, its year end again.2010 is fruitful for me, despite a few setbacks. to think back, nothing that i cant handle.

Professionally, i have flourished beyond my expectation. I learned new things, of organization, of leadership, of communication, of PR and most of all of management and handling new responsibility. Responsibility are building up, and expectation are high, so i did what was best for my organization and what i think was the best at the time. So basically, 2010 opens up many rooms for improvement, which in one way or another strengthen my self belief, my confidence and my range of capability in what i do. it breeds new sense of purpose for the time to come, to compete with the challenge itself in the best possible way. 2010 is an opportunity to prove my theory on most things, and a great learning ground for the advancement of my career.

Personally, 2010 is bittersweet yet full of invaluable experiences. I learned many things about people in general. 2010 is a reflective journey on principles and human emotion in general. 2010 is a test of character for me. For the concepts that i had believed in the past, what i still held close to heart and what i have concluded or rejected after testing it with real life experience.I believe that each person has to choose what's the best for him/her, and it's not a matter that is negotiable by anyone but himself. therefore, my determination to improve in every sector of life is heightened, and whatever decision that i may take is solely on my shoulder. I learned that you can choose to be happy or sad, or be anything that you like as long as it is in tandem with your own belief and principles..There are many things to learn yet, but learning is never an overnight process. So, by doing it the best way we can is the best approach. May 2011 be a great year ahead...

Unexpected things.Many.i cant begin to list which one. Yet, the best is finding my M. a friend who came in time when i dont think i cant go on smiling and pretending to be happy.In time where i feel im down beyond reaching, he came in bringing hopes that, it was not all that bad. There's a world out there waiting to be discover. He offers a "friendly" support when i really needed someone to just understand without judging.A friend who shows me reason, when i think its impossible to think about anything in a logical manner. i am very much thankful for that. Thankful for a simple gesture of understanding. Thank you so much. you know how much i value your friendship. i love you for that.

I am surround by people who care and always willing to offer helping hands when i needed them. people who are always there and tolerate my emotional up and down, or my momentary madness.i am tremendously grateful for that. You all know, it wouldnt be an easy fight for me without you all.

People who provide professional insights and offer guidance when i least expect it. Thank you for making my year as fruitful as it is.

Regrets? i have a few.But too few to mention.

Sebal

Sebal...

Orang yang tak dengar nasihat dan tak terima pendapat orang ni memang menyebalkan.
Buat-buat pandai..kalau memang benda tu kamu langsung tak tahu, silalah terima tunjuk ajar dari orang.Jangan sombong tak ingat, kelak bukan menyusahkan diri saja.menyusahkan orang lain sama.Menonong ego walaupun tak tahu apa yang dia buat tu betul atau salah..

Apa salahnya sekadar untuk memastikan?berat sangatkah kerja tu?

Alih-alih sebab degil tak memasal, orang lain pula kena selesaikan untuk kamu..
BOSAN asyik disuruh buat kerja yang bukan dalam skop..saya bukan robot tau...

Huh, walaupun saya baik, tolonglah jangan berfikir dengan innocentnya bahawa saya akan senyum saja bila kamu menyusahkan saya..

Tolonglah penat + menyampah

Kepadamu Kekasih

Ya Allah,
Aku memohon kekuatan hati untuk menghadapi apa yang tidak ku ketahui,
Apa yang diluar kemampuanku untuk menghadapi
dan apa yang diluar ilmu pengetahuan ku ya Allah.

Aku takkan mampu menghadapi apa jua sendirian tanpa bimbingan dan petunjuk dari Mu ya Allah.
kerana itu, Ya Allah, janganlah kiranya Engkau hukum hambaMu ini sekiranya aku tersalah dan terlupa.
Janganlah Engkau bebankan kepadaku apa yang tak mampu untukku memikulnya ya Allah.
Janganla biarkan nasibku ditentukan oleh diriku ya Allah walaupun sekejap

Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim.
Peliharalah diriku dari kejahatan hati dan kelemahan akalku.
Peliharalah diriku dari kejahatan hati manusia, dan kejahatan pandangan mereka ya Allah.

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku belum cukup kuat untuk menerima ini.dan belum cukup kuat untuk menghadapi ini..
Maka pimpinlah pandangan mata akalku menuju jalan kebaikan ya Allah.
dan permudahkanlah urusanku didunia dan di akhirat.
Hanya kepadamu aku meminta ya Allah, seluruh pengharapanku kepada Mu jua.

Ya Rabb..amin

Ranting but not Raging

i have been wondering for quite some times now..

A friend was giving me the cold shoulder.

a)She stopped playing squash with me.

b)She stopped talking.

c) She cancelled her outing plan, because i tagged along with the group.

d)And didnt invite me for dinner at her house, when all of the friends were invited.

e)She didnt speak to me when she met me at xxxx dept, and ignored me when she went to our dept..but spoke to everyone else..

f)She also didnt reply my sms, and ignored my calls.

g)And she also spoke in an offensive manner when she followed another one of my friend when she sent me off to the bus terminal.

h)She also has this offensive facial expression whenever i was around..

Need i say more? i guess not.

Well, im not the patient sort who can tolerate nonsense. If there is anything you are not satisfied about, tell me directly. The last time i remembered her giving the cold shoulder was to a friend (who was said to have a relationship with a married guy).And i was told by this married guy's friend that she frequented her house every now and then...

where the hell was i wrong?!

saya jadi tak ada mood untuk mengerti.Analisa saya, sikap beliau ini sama seperti sikapnya terhadap kawan yang berstatus complicated tu.Jadi sekarang adakah saya..termasuk dalam golongan orang-orang yang berstatus complicated?
kalau benar apa yang telah saya buat untuk menyinggung beliau? Kalau hendak diikutkan, saya harus marah beliau kerana telah terlebih dahulu menyebarkan kepada orang lain tentang status saya yang sedang in a relationship, kerana itu bukan hal beliau...

Idiosyncracies? Whatever....Tolong pergi baca tentang keseimbangan emosi.

nampaknya saya kena pandai-pandai membawa diri. selagi dia begitu,begitulah saya..

Tapi mungkin juga ini hanyalah saya.Emosi mungkin boleh menipu, bagaimana pula apa yang terlihat pada pandangan mata? Bagaimana dengan logik akal?Menipu pulakah?

Kata orang tindakan kita harus reflektif dengan tindakan orang lain.
baik mereka, baiklah kita...Jika sebaliknya, maka pandai-pandailah membawa diri.

Saya tiada masa mahu berjauh hati. Im an individual, i dont belong to any group of society's clown.TQVM

Cik siti: cuba menghadapi ini dengan matang dan terbuka. No need to go about teaching them how to live their own lives...

a little bit of everyone

Not much to say...

My M joked about giving me St. Claus for Christmas...The slim one(referring to himself)..By all means, darling..By all means..:o)

And as i was clicking his name(which i left on the task bar for chat in FB)suddenly, he was there..What a coincidence. and we continue talking about our dreams of picking each other from work..he is pulling me closer to him in a very underhand way...which i like..:o)

i felt really thankful for my close friend today, for the favour he did for me..Really thankful for that without which i cant do what i supposedly do today.. Thank you again good friend..

Today. someone smsed me:please go to xxxxx dept to take the memo for meeting.Since when did i become the PAP. Just because i walked all over the institution, it doesnt mean that i am doing all the works that arent supposedly my works. later on the person smsed again: oh i forgot to put on my desk,anyhow, please inform those in your dept..Very convenient. If i have gone there..i would be full of bad feeling, and i would stressed myself like hell..

Today. i was a little angry over something/someone..but i wont take it personally..so be it. One thing though, just because i didnt say anything in a harsh manner, it didnt mean that im stupid. im no superwoman. im human made of flesh and blood.and if you poked me in my face, you just gonna have to deal with the consequences..So dont even poke on something you know nothing about..Simple calculation,isn't it? The point is, i dont have to believe in everything people say..After all, that's where the problem started in the first place.. Because some people are just paranoid, and they dragged everyone down with their pattern of thinking.. This time i wont listen..This is not the first time you misled me with your paranoid,girl. you think you are doing okay, and they still say you are a wreck!
Then again, not everyone knows about psychology..They just acted in the way they've been taught since forever..huhu

Still.Today was not all the bad vibes.. Everything is looking great for me.. Works are basically progressing and done..Who cares what they wanted to say, as long as you know the FACT yourself? So be it..

Timepiece

I have always wanted to buy a watch before this. The last time i remembered having one was during my short DPLI course-a birthday present given by my aunt. I had two actually. The other one was damage and died out because i had been wearing it since forever, and the one given by my aunt was lost during the time i was busy packing my things at the end of the course.

At that time, due to some strange emotional condition, i avoid wearing a watch because it made me nervous and made me panicky for no apparent reason. As a matter of fact, my strategy was the cure i needed. i overcame my nervousness in time.

But when i started teaching, i realise that i desperately need a watch, because it made me independent and authoritative in class. owning a watch means i can control my students, my pace and add on my styles..So much for a person who always tell her students to observe time..Huhu..My favourite phrase in class-Timing is everything...and i dont even have a watch..For God's sake..very amusing..

and now is the right time to buy one. True to the phrase "time is everything". I realise that i want to frame this moment in time. I want to reminisce the time forever.I want something that reminds me of a good time, or a good start for a friendship that lasts forever.

Timepiece is what i have in mind for you and me...

The case of sour grapes

Once upon a time there was a fox strolling through the woods.
He came upon a grape orchard. There he found a bunch of
beautiful grapes hanging from a high branch. "Boy those sure would be tasty," he thought to himself.
He backed up and took a running start, and jumped.
He did not get high enough.

He went back to his starting spot and tried again.
He almost got high enough this time, but not quite.

He tried and tried, again and again, but just couldn't get high
enough to grab the grapes.

Finally, he gave up.

As he walked away, he put his nose in the air and said:
"I am sure those grapes are sour."

Moral
IT IS EASY TO SCORN WHAT YOU CANNOT GET.


Maybe, at one point of times, im the fox, scornful of what i didnt actually get, thats why i was so bitter about the whole thing. i dont want to walk away from the grapes, scornful and bitter.

After all, this is the circle of life.. The fox was destined to walk the path where he would see the grapes. The grapes were in their rightful place and cant do anything but made the meeting inevitable. The grapes were not at fault for the attraction they presented to whomever that walked the path. the fox was not wrong for wanting something attractive..But, the thing is,they were not destined to each other. And the fox's reaction was not wrong either...

The most important thing was to understand that, everything happens naturally. It was not intended to harm, rather it is nature's thoughtful way of preparing us for journey ahead..

the sour grapes had actually calmed the storm for me..

.......

...To finally realise that the love is not for you.To understand that, in the first place it was just an illusion, just a look alike..

i cant begin to explain the chasm in my heart, the pain that started to numb the whole body and poison the eyes, as tears running down ,unstoppable. The empty feeling of finally realising that you are alone and cant turn to anyone even for a pat in the back, without being eyed with ridicules and cynicism.Maybe you never experience my feeling so far. Therefore, i sincerely hope you would. Then, try to look at me with the same look if you can..

i was inviting people into my life. Everytime, they get away with my heart torn apart.

...Ya Allah, ya Allah, Ya Allah..
In a poor condition, i ask for Your Mercy. How to overcome this,Lord the Almighty?

Cik Siti yang kelabu

Saya merasakan energi negatif yang ekstrem kebelakangan ni. Adakah ia cara saya memandang dunia yang negatif?
atau sememangnya ada aspek dalam kehidupan saya yang negatif?!Apa dia? atau siapa dia? Atau sekali lagi, ia dipengaruhi oleh hormon yang kurang stabil?
Puas saya bertanya diri, setelah beberapa hari ni bermood kelabu...apakah yang memetik energi negatif ni sehingga, hampir keseluruhan pandangan saya berunsurkan negatif?

Atau saya terlalu melayan perasaan, sehinggakan yang biasa-biasa sahaja semuanya kelihatan negatif?

Oh, tidak..jika saya berterusan begini, saya akan mengalami gangguan perasaan yang teruk.Lebih teruk dari apa yang pernah saya alami. Ini akan mengurangkan fokus dan merosakkan pencapaian saya sehari-harian.. Jadi jika sudah tahu begitu, kenapa perlu diturut rasa hati ya, Cik Siti?

kan kamu pernah mengalami yang lebih teruk lagi. bukankah kali ini kamu seharusnya sudah cukup matang menghadapi?
Cuma, seketika, saat minda terlupa, mungkin saya membiarkan warna kelabu itu meresap ke minda...

Jadi,cuba ya Cik siti..Kuat menghadapinya..Kamu pasti boleh.:o)

Ketawa Sinis

Eh kamu..

kamu fikir kamu hebat?

Lebih dari orang lain tu hebat?

Tergedik-gedik tu hebat?

Tanpa segan silu menempelak orang tu hebat?

sengaja memalukan orang lain tu hebat?

Apa kamu fikir berjaya mempengaruhi orang tu hebat?

Pura-pura baik tu hebat?

membuli tu hebat?

Konon bergayalah kamu?

konon menanglah kamu?

Lawak bodoh kamu tu hebat?

Pintarlah kamu sebab berjaya "highlight" salah orang?

Rasa muliakah kamu sebab kamu rasa kamu hebat?

Eh, please!!!!

kamu buat saya ketawa sinis dengan perilaku kamu tu..cepat pergi cari cermin, kemudian tengoklah wajah sendiri dalam cermin..

tahanlah diri kamu sedaya upaya dari memecahkan cermin itu, tupun jika cermin itu tak pecah dengan sendirinya..

*ketawa sinis.

Apa yang bukan milikmu

Dalam perjalanan hidup ini seringkali kita merasa kecewa. Kecewa sekali. Sesuatu yang luput dari genggaman, keinginan yang tidak tercapai dan kenyataan yang tidak sesuai dengan harapan.

Dan sungguh sangat beruntung andai dalam saat-saat tergoncangnya jiwa, masih ada setitik cahaya dalam kalbu untuk merenungi kebenaran. Masih ada kekuatan untuk melangkahkan kaki menuju majlis-majlis ilmu dan majlis-majlis zikir yang akan memberikan ketenteraman jiwa.

Hidup ini ibarat belantara. Tempat kita mengejar pelbagai keinginan dan impian. Dan memang manusia diciptakan mempunyai kehendak serta mempunyai keinginan. Tetapi bukan semua yang kita inginkan dapat dicapai. Sesungguhnya tidak mudah menyedari bahawa apa yang bukan menjadi hak kita tak perlu kita tangisi. Banyak orang yang tidak sedar bahawa hidup ini tidak punya satu hukum: harus berjaya, harus bahagia atau harus-harus yang lain.

Betapa banyak orang yang berjaya tetapi lupa bahawa hakikatnya semua itu pemberian Allah sehingga membuatnya sombong dan bertindak sewenang-wenangnya. Begitu juga kegagalan sering tidak dihadapi dengan betul. Padahal dimensi tauhid dari kegagalan adalah tidak tercapainya apa yang memang bukan hak kita. Padahal hakikat kegagalan adalah tidak terengkuhnya apa yang memang bukan hak kita.

Apa yang memang menjadi milik kita di dunia, samada rezeki, jawatan atau kedudukan, pasti Allah akan berikan. Tetapi apa yang memang bukan milik kita, kita tidak akan mampu miliki; walaupun ia nyaris menghampiri kita atau meskipun kita bermati-matian berusaha mendapatkannya.

"Tiada suatu bencana pun yang menimpa di bumi dan (tidak pula) pada dirimu sendiri melainkan telah tertulis dalam kitab (Luh Mahfuzh) sebelum Kami menciptakannya. Sesungguhnya yang demikian itu adalah mudah bagi Allah. (Kami jelaskan yang demikian itu) supaya kamu jangan berdukacita terhadap apa yang luput dari kamu, dan supaya kamu jangan terlalu gembira terhadap apa yang diberikan-Nya kepadamu. Dan Allah tidak menyukai setiap orang yang sombong lagi membanggakan diri.." (Surah Al-Hadid: 22-23)

Maka sudahlah, jangan kau tangisi apa yang bukan milikmu!

- Artikel iluvislam.com

I can do Without you

i can!

i will!

i must!

had a long chat with my friends yesterday..the topic of discussion is non other than my so called bestmate. At this point of time, im tired of people singing praises about him. I know that he is a worthy person, kind bla bla bla..but in my situation, its hard to even believe that, For once, you all are not in my shoes, and didnt go through my experience with him,and didnt share what i had shared with him.So, it would be unfair for all of you to suggest what i should do when it comes to him.

i dont want to hurt anybody with insensitivity.I dont want to justify my actions as well. I dont want to rationalize anything. everytime i do all that, i keep on repeating the same pattern again. In the end, i am depressed, sad, useless, confused and hurt. I will hate everyone and it hinders my progress. So whats the point of trying?

My friend said:he was talking about you in a very regretful tone. what i think is, it was just a show because he knew, that my friend would definitely passed it on to me.

My other friend said: he was kind and gentlemanly.it would be easier for some people to confuse his motive. what i think is, yes he is all that. But there are some aspects of his personality that come across not quite ok,especially for those who knew him like i do.

My friend said again: But nobody's perfect. i agree. I'm not a perfectionist myself. I just dont like being taken for granted.

My friend said: babe, there is no harm in trying to patch up with him. After all, you dont know for how long you would be working with him.How long you would be around him..yaah, well. Count on me to be one heck of a poker face when it comes to dealing with my professional life. i'll do that.

oh,so complicated my life is. Penuh dengan kepura-puraan...

Although, today was progressive,i felt alone in the crowd. i have a headache, i feel miserable and had been sleeping all days just to numb myself from any feeling.

i realised that he has succeed in robbing me off my vitality...

Touched

the most beautiful thing a guy ever said today...

Q: how can you tell that you love a girl, and wants her to be your wife?

A: well, there is no definite answer. all i know is that if/whenever i feel happy or sad, she is the first person that comes to mind. That's when i know i love her.

im a bit of a sentimental,so i said to him...

"please dont tell anyone that you see me cry..." and then i was crying..:o)

and then he asked(funnily)...

"why are you crying?it wasnt meant to make you sad.."

silly him,i was not crying because im sad.i cried because i felt so very touched..

Simple is beautiful...and NOT complicated

i have a not so nice thought in my head.

i have been in the dump these few days, busy thinking about the unattainable or the unchangeable. And then it turned out that, the subject who blew my self confidence to hell is no better herself.

a)Pretty-yes.

b)Exciting-yes.

c)Easygoing-Yes.

d)clever-yes and no.

e)One heck of a show off-Yes.

f)a little bit of a know-all-Yes

g)Minta Puji(this is used to retain its original meaning)-Very Much YES.

h)Gedik-undeniably, undoubtedly and undisputedly YES

To be fair to this pretty who dont know whats good for her, i can see exactly what my friend means "trying to hard to impress"-for he said sometimes im "that", and up to some extend,it gets to people's nerves. Seeing her so full of herself, trying to impress someone with her flares, it tickles me. Oh my, girl.you just lost your game with me..

i feel better about myself. somewhat the game losts its appeal. Im not playing with her!Not interested. before this i thought, she would be a better/cool opponent. It seems to me that you have specialty for me to find out about. You are just a very predictable sort, and it would be a waste of my time to even think that you can surpass my standard in this game. the rule is to not lay all your cards on the deck, girl. But you did...so, Game Over!

My reflection: Always have faith in yourself and believe your own worth. Because if you are too busy to check on anyone else's merit, you forget that you are capable of many great things and you are one of god's beautiful creation...

Hmm, i love the sense of positivity...:o)

Im a girl

i want to listen to aggresive rock song/a rapping by Eminem, so that i can thrash and bullshit about everything that doesnt matter.

i want to listen to the most melancholic song so that i can cry like mad, and sleep because im too tired to care about anything else.

i want to listen to a happy song so that i can laugh like nothing in this world could break me.

*emotionally unstable.Im a girl.

Welcoming the bright side

The semester is about to resume again. This morning i was on duty-registration for the new students, who would hopefully be here for the next four years. i was in charge of students from the mechanical and Electric dept. not many came, maybe they are still on their way..usually the first step out of home for a newbie is very difficult. the prospect of having to survive alone, creating a new life is not a very welcoming experience for most..Especially the youngsters. Today, parents and family came to see their children off, figuratively on the journey towards a better future..

Longer hours of waiting for the students, my mind was drifting about..

i was thinking about the first time i went out of home. i didnt really have the luxury to be accompanied by my family.My father trusted me enough to take care of myself.. at first i was excited. as soon as i reach MCIIUM, and took bath that night, i cried like mad..silly girl of eighteen i was..hahaha. But actually i was crying the whole journey,from the airport in the plane..i was teary..teary and excited at the same time..Thank god, i met with many good people-strangers who were kind enough to lead me through until i reached MCIIUM. even the taxi driver was very kind-he helped me carry my things to the groundfloor of the hostel, and waited until i had safely registered..I was immensely thankful for that..

seeing these students, especially the girls-so innocent and dumbfounded,yet so beautiful and polished so to speak-would they still be having the same look after they get acquainted with this place?would they still be having the same spirit?would they still remember their goal and aspiration once they start of? or would they forget everything and change into different people all together?we would never know for sure what would happen in the future.No idea at all.

i met and talked with a few of my students. They talked about their results. i kinda like this kind of heart to heart. It made me feel different. instead of them seeing me as someone to be feared, or loathed or just another teacher passing by, they valued my advice and were good enough to share their feeling, thought and worries about their study with me. At least, for some of these students, my judgments are not wrong. I am always open to this kind of challenge. The challenge to offer humane understanding.i want to be off help where i can. when it was my time, i had met with many people who provide the same supports and showed greater understanding.. So now i guess it's time to pass the baton.

i guess, everyone has their own way of thinking.. and every course you decide to follow will be your responsibility.Whatever happens is based on your way of thinking it through. Who is to say whether its right or wrong but you?

Lets start with good spirit and readiness to embrace the lessons that come along the way.:o)

Aim High and Dont Belittle Yourself

A believer doesn't settle for a second place. A believer is not satisfied with mediocrity.

A believer is never content with just enough. Don't limit yourself.

Sulaiman (as), a prophet, a king, son of a king and son of a prophet, didn't stop there, instead he asked Allah for a unique kingdom that no one else will have after him.

Musa (as), one of the greatest 5 messengers of Allah, brother of a Prophet, and one who spoke to Allah directly, didn't stop there, instead he aimed higher and asked to see Allah with his eyes.

Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (saws), and we all know the status of our Prohpet (saws), requested his Ummah to ask Allah to grant him a place in Paradise that is only reserved for one person, at the peak of Paradise.

Umar ibn AbdulAziz (r) one of the greatest and successful leaders in history, said on his death bed: "I have a soul that always aims high." Abu Bakr (r) upon hearing about the gates of Paradise, asked the Prophet (saws) if it's possible for a person to be invited to enter from all gates of Paradise. Showing us the high determination and mentality of the companions of the Prophet (saws).

(Jumuah Khutbah delivered on the 30th of July 2010 by shaykh Said Rageah at Green Lane Masjid, Birmingham UK.)

There is a neverending stream of thanks from my students for the good result they got for their communicative English. Truly, a little of it was my input, but the rest was their own efforts and hardworks. So whatever they got, they deserved it. Im only here to facilitate them here and there. Im happy to be a contributive factor that brings about happiness for others:o)

InsyaAllah, for the new semester is yet another jihad towards improvement.

(Semoga dipermudahkan urusanku dalam menunaikan tanggungjawabku sehari-harian,amin)

Damned Masochist

A question..

Why would you keep coming back, and dragged it on when you know, that you dont want it anymore?

An Answer...

Because you know, no matter what words passed between us, what happened in between, im always available and diposable later..

Why would i feel affected?
Oh,For God's Sake, because iam stupid and dont know what's good for me.

Why are you so damned Masochist, AZ????!

Salam Jumaat

Waktu bergerak pantas. Dalam kepantasan itu, bertemu lagi dengan hari Jumaat, sang penghulu segala hari. Semoga Jumaat ini bukan yang terakhir buat kita, dan semoga Jumaat ini memberikan seribu pengertian buat meng-improvisasi diri.InsyaAllah

renungan untuk diri sendiri:
1. Meninggalkan sembahyang - Ular Saqar sedang menunggu

2. Melewat-lewatkan sembahyang - Neraka WAIL sedang menganga

3. Meringan-ringankan syariat - Mendapat pandangan murka Al-Jabbar

4. Mengumpat peribadi orang - Gunting neraka sedang diasah

5. Menyebarkan gossip atau fitnah - Duri- duri menanti anda di taman neraka

6. Tidak menjaga pergaulan - Libasan api neraka dijanjikan

7. Tidak berakhlak dengan manusia - Kemurkaan Allah bersama mu..

8. Menyakiti hati orang dengan lisan - Masuklah mana-mana pintu neraka

9.Meringankan amanah - Angkatlah seberkas kayu dari neraka

10.Bersangka buruk - Amalan baik diambil orang

Insya Allah....

questioning the truth?

What is the truth?

so you are not?

your feeling is not?

your attention is not?

your words are not?

then what is?

oh heck..

Just leave

just leave..

Leave!!!!!

shopping for thoughts

i have been wanting to get things off my chest for quite some times now, but i don't know how to start..in which direction should i head off. My one week leave had triggered my train of thought about many aspects of life in general. Things which i had believed in the past, but had forgotten according to the course of time. Something which is staring me in the eyes yet, i had or choose to be oblivious about it.

On saturday, i was supposedly on a 1600 flight to Miri before it was cancelled and retimed to 0645 the next day.. So i asked my brother to dropped me off at CP, planning to shop for several items. My brother dropped me off readily, as he went about meeting his girlfriend.. The time alone had been a mental journey-comtemplative.reflective.

the story started earlier, just before we(my brother and i) headed to KK to catch the 1600 flight to Miri....

Early in the morning, my brother went to help at our soon-to-be home, so we planned to go around 1300 hour. i had a feeling that it wont be easy to escape my baby brother, as he had tagged along with me everywhere i go, since i arrived at home. Infact, he had "babyishly" put all his belongings in my bag, so that he can go with me "naik kapal to sarawak".

So when it was actually 1300 hour sharp, we were ready to go..my baby brother was already teary, hugging me, begging me to bring him along. I couldnt stand his crying, so i thought it would be easier to let him go with us, and after a few minutes we would send him back home...a strategy meant to sort of "cheated" him..Urgh,hate lying to minors.

But then, my brother had a better idea..it was to bring him to the nearest shop, to buy him an ice cream, or whatever it was that he fancied.. Yeah, he did fancy something but it was not the ice cream..It was the toys. by the times, he was done with the choosing and picking, it was already well after 1330 hour..By logic, now, i could safely say that, i had missed by 1600 hour flight.

it was well after 1345 hour when we finally headed off to KK, with mixed feeling..Although i was aware that the possibility to miss the flight was 99.99 percent, but still i didnt want to jump to conclusion so fast..i also didnt want my brother to drive like a lunatic just because of a flight..so, i stay calm and went about as if it was no big deal..i never stopped praying to Allah for mercy and miracles. After all, it was not as if we were late on purpose. our lateness was caused by our deeper empathy for our little brother..at least that was my justification..there was no use agonising about it anyway..better be safe than sorry.

it was 1545 hour when we reached the airport, so i dashed to the departure hall-check in counter, only to be told that: Cik, u punya flight cancelled ni. retimed pegi 6.45am, but u boleh check in sekarang...phew, that was a very good news for me. Praise be to Allah, the Almighty...i went about hugging my brother, happy for the twist of event.:o)

My reflection was:
when you have enough consideration for others, the universe will show even greater consideration for you.

a)i cant go anywhere during the holiday without my little brother tagging along, so i stayed home. In return, allah gave me plenty of times to shop for the things i needed while waiting for my retimed flight.

b)i had never really had a heart to heart talk with my brother for quite some times now, the retimed flight gave us spaces to do just that...to mend on broken strings..:o)

c)Should my 1600 hour flight was on, i would be stranded in Miri alone that night..and i wouldnt had the chance to meet my cousin in the airport the next morning, who sweetly bought me breakfast and saw that i got into a taxi safely to Pujut Terminal... (its not that i cant buy breakfast myself,im referring to the deed)

d) should my 1600 hour flight was on, i would be going solo from Miri to Mukah.. i found friends who were kind enough and let me tagged along with them until i reached Poly safely that evening.

It might be an insignificant account-but i am a sucker for kindness.Kindness that brings about positive energy into my sphere.

The conclusion is: when we are doing something good, why are we questioning what good things we will get in return?
Perhaps we concentrate so much on the idea of a much bigger return for the kindness, that we do not notice the smaller good things that staring us in the face.

even better: why we questioned "why" we need to do good things when everybody else is not doing any?
But then, everybody else is not you..so why compare?

so my reflection is: for every good thing you do, you will get abundant in return.:o)

so my mission: Think good things, do good things.:o)

*piercing stare*

i cant pierce anyone with any stare..because my mind is fully loaded with good thought, and my heart is heavy with gratitude.

Thank you Allah for the miracles, and for the ability to see and understand it.

Duhai Pentafsir

Pentafsir, sebenarnya telah lama ku cari
suaramu yang sarat
ke mana jatuhnya gema itu?

Di manakah tempat istirahat
setelah pengembaraan yang penat
di manakah telah kurakamkan
pertemuan matahari, rimba dan lautan?

Senja ini menemuiku
dengan lusuh catatanmu
angin sedang cuba mengoyak-ngoyakkan lembar-lembar buku
sedang aku belum ketemu
surat yang kau tuliskan padaku.
telah hilangkah ia
atau kau tidak pernah menulisnya
ah, aku tidak bisa tidur dan melupakan
racun keresahan telah membunuh lenaku
sejak kudahagai penawar dalam lautan nota-notamu
kiranya terdampar dalam angin yang ragu
yang tidak mengenal arah tiupannya
angin tanpa sabar yang telah melunturkan
kehijauan dalam keriangan masa kecilku.

Pentafsir, musim telah terlalu tua
kaca jendela menjadi kelabu
dan aku telah terlalu lesu
untuk menari bersama bayang-bayangmu
senja pun semakin larut
lembar-lembar jadi semakin kuning
apakah aku harus mengebumikan buku-buku ini
di samping pusaramu yang sepi.

Hentikan ejekanmu
biar kupecahkan kaca ini
melihat keluar. Lalu mengenal
rumpun-rumpun yang redup
adalah pengakuanmu, Tuhanku!
yang menjernihkan mataku.

(Dipetik daripada Antologi Kerusi,Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka, 2004)

-Zurinah Hassan-

crappy

Hell yes!

you are just so yesterday...

past.

ancient.

dull.

so damned predictable....i LIKE surprises and new challenge..u are so not it.

u are marked.

boring.

i can finish your sentence in one second.

can guess your thought.

so bring your crappy stuff somewhere else..

...BUT NOT HERE...

Hypo

im such a hypocrite...
if you know, would you still be feeling the same way?
at a time like this, i would really like the chance to do it right from the start..
then, i wouldnt feel battered with guilt and self-loath.

Hopeless:o)

i am a hopeless romantic, who is hopelessly happy because i am swept hopelessly in love with you..:o)

what a super-nice surprise! He was at home the same time i said i would be home..Even if he had to rush back after one day:o).To be honest, i dont really mind it if he couldnt make it..Work and work, but then he did and that made all the differences. I was surprised, flattered and touched beyond description.

I love what he did for me, and hopefully in time, i would be able to really really fall for him..For Good.

on a serious note, i am really thankful for him. Somehow,he brings a new definition to my messed up life. For the friendship he offers, for the understanding, and for just being there for me when i was really in need of someone to just be there. i wouldnt depend on him on how to run my life. All im asking is for his friendship and companionship. Anyway, relationship is not all about love.. There are many aspects to it.And i hope im not selfish for wanting all of that from him. i hope in time i would learn to really really love him in the real sense of the word.

i dont know how to let you know my appreciation..I can only make you see it.

Audit Fever

interesting 'phrase'..

a)tally-mally means all the information in the FRP especially in the RM and attendance matched.

b)Teletubbies are people who pretended that what they did or didnt do for the auditing process are damned funny-when in actuality-they are super irritating.

c)Telematch is any join effort to complete the FRP be it for yourself or for other people, who didnt seem to complete the FRP any time soon..or choose not to com
plete, and point it as other people's business.therefore, other people have to somehow be responsible for it..

d) Telemovie is any emotional and dramatic display of attitude as well as ocar winning acting, which is cheap, unprofessional and uncalled for..also refers to any hue raised to disturb other people's sanity and peace of mind..

word (a) and (d) are coined by mr.bos.Other words are from the writer's imagination...hehehe

WHAT??????

what do you feel when you hear a helpless child cries?

Do you like the sound?

Do you love the sight?

Dont you feel any tightening of chest?

can you understand the pain? Do you want to?

What kind of satisfaction do you crave?

What KIND of craving is that?

you and me are different.. where you feel thrilled for the pain you inflicted, i feel

devastated...

Where you think your action is justified, i cant help but feel that your action is

downright cold blooded.

i bet you dont even understand my frustration, or why i cried...

one year it is!

Today is one year of misery and sadness.

today is one year of misleading motivation.

it suddenly crossed my mind, that today was infact the beginning of unfolding disaster last year.

A relationship that shouldt start in the first place started at this day last year.

Ya Allah,im sorrowful and my heart is so heavy with regret and sadness.Please help me see the way to overcome the misery.

Just another boring update

2012
i was disappointed because after all of the hues, the movie did not even fulfill my expectation. Gross computerized scenes, and illogical description of events..and annoying pretense of art..this movie is just a flimsy pretext for those people to prostitute the value of movie making skill.. they just wanted to fire up some sentiments of so called judgment day, but trying so hard IS annoying, up to some extend..i get bored just watching stereo-type. the should be, the shouldnt..annoying!

FRP
on the way to completion.

life in general
Bittersweet.im in a terrible mood yesterday..Perhaps,because of my busy-ness.Perhaps, it was my pattern of thinking. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps..

Caught up

..caught up in a whirlpool..

My life is in complete carzy-mad mood..
Everything coming down all at once..the PBs..the marking..SIRIM..FRP..

HARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

i need "An Idiot Guide on How to Survive My Life" manual...

Daging kambing+black pepper

simple recipe..u need:

daging kambing

a packet of maggi's black pepper seasoning

salt,sugar,or any seasoning..depends to your taste

a half full jug of water

onions..daun bawang n bawang besar

...the rest is simple..

it is so savoury..:O)

daripada mkn daging mentah-mentah,pastu meroyan tidak pasal-pasal,pergi cuba resipi ini..manalah tau insecurity n self confidence kamu meningkat..

K.A.M.U.

Mencuri waktu untuk sang kekasih.

si dia yang sibuk bekerja.saya juga.

kami sedang sibuk menjalani kehidupan.

kami sedang cuba mengartikan perasaan..

perlahan-lahan memberi makna perhubungan.

Bimbang dengan segala kemungkinan.

kami sedang cuba memungkinkan kejadian.

kami sedang cuba merealisasikan impian.

kami cuba memahami kejauhan.

cuba mencipta kerinduan.

teman dan kesayangan,

kamu bermain di ruang fikiran,

kamu meniti di setiap perkataan.

kamu di segenap ruang khayalan.

kamu mencipta kemahuan.

kamu mencipta anganan.

saya takut kehilangan.

takut terhanyutkan.

takut memberikan,

takut mentafsirkan,

takut kekurangan.

.................perasaan halus yang tak terucapkan kata-kata............

Fed up!

Fed up with stories.

i dont want to listen to bad things about you. i dont want to know your attitude problems. i dont want anything at all to do with you!

To hell with professionalism. i dont need lame excuse to talk about you!

you wont understand the conflict i feel inside..you dont understand how much emotion i feel for you in the first place..

you dont understand at all..so, dont judge my stand, or my reaction or my emotion.

DONT, for God's Sake "you people" me!

As of today

a)Gembira menghabiskan masa dengan sang kecintaan, walaupun zon waktu kerja berbeza, tetap rasa sangat gembira..:o)Jadi, kamu-kamu sekalian, saya tidak perlukan orang yang tidak available untuk menjadi sang teman..kerana saya ada dia yang single dan sweet sekali...

b)tidak faham kenapa kata hati saya berdetik bahawa ada yang tak beres dengan orang itu dan ini.. Ada si jahat mulut yang menjaja cerita busuk dan melukakan dengan murahannya.. Itukah nilai kamu sebagai seorang Muslim?Persetankan kamu...Kamu ini terlalu bijaksana sehingga kebijaksanaan kamu itu menjahanamkan orang..oh, cruelest lies are often told in silence..masalahnya kamu tak faham bahasa..jadi perlu explain?Huh, buang masa!

begini lah sahaja..buatlah apa yang memuaskan hati kamu..
Satu soalan untuk difikirkan di kepala keanak-anakan kamu tu..

Kamu siapa untuk dikisahkan dalam hidup saya?Bukan siapa-siapa..jadi please berhenti berlagak seolah-olah kamu berkepentingan dalam hidup saya..

Benci sang penikam dari belakang..sangat!!!

of love

Magic words only we can understand
Lately I don't have time for dreaming and such
When I remember, it's funny and makes me happy
We'll see each other again, even without a promise
We'll see each other, we'll see each other


.....hai sang kecintaan.kamu sedang bikin aku jadi tak keruan.;o)

The funny feeling

It was amusing...

We were in badminton club together in sekolah rendah.We went to several championships together. We were both in Volley ball club together, and went to several championship together, we were both in the same classes since we were in standard 3 to 6..and again in form 4-5.the difference was he was not in my Taekwondo class, and i never join the school sport activities.nothing ever happened. and we were always with different group of people, yet always close to one another.Yet always distance..Very amusing how things change course and suddenly, you found yourself with someone whom you never even think of in the slightest...

yet, i get nervous by how strong the emotion felt. i have a very indescribable feeling, and i am frightened that my action is inappropriate towards him, and that he might interpret it as a rejection..that i might lost him.

i am no good in expressing my feeling..and that's the only catch..

Feeling

In love with an Airforce guy..hehe

Anti Climax

im the sort of person who loves challenges,enjoys limelights and gets excited by overwhelming speeds and momentum..

i love the rush hours of working, the busy-ness, the race and the madness. I love the whole package. i love doing something, i love the energy, the mental as well as physical perspiration. In short i simply enjoy working..

Having been working my butt off, there's nothing more bloody bullshit then people who dont do anything but still have so much to say. Or people who do not have the decency to respect other people's efforts. or people who simply dont know when to keep their damned mouth shut!

i was so moved by the energy, and had been taking advantage of the busy-ness since earlier this week. at the end of the day,when it supposedly boomed, all of a sudden the energy plummeted to below zero level. It feels so horrible. Everything i do, no matter how small or insignificant it is, no matter how big or significant it, they are all meant to boost my self-confidence. Knowing that you go beyond one point and you can do things you never do, well, that's a tremendous source of energy for me.. Knowing that you have done that, and been there.everything is meant to challenge myself.

there goes the anti-climax, i am demoralised and made to feel that what i did was not good enough.

Apalah kejadian ni??!

Dear blog

Dear Blog..

i feel terribly sorry for him. Terribly sorry that people find him problematic.terribly sorry that people dont really like working with him. Terribly sorry that he feels alienated. Terribly sorry for everything that does not work right for him.

But mostly, i feel terribly sorry because he does not know how to appreciate a good thing when he sees one.

I feel terribly sorry i cant be off help. Terribly sorry for you. Terribly sorry.

Dear Blog,
you know i will always have a soft spot for him. But, there's no way on earth it would be of any use.

Dear Blog,
i much more prefer if nobody tells me anything about him anymore. As much as i said i have moved on, some parts of me are still tied to him. And i desperately need a delay time so that i can really be cured of any emotion.

Dear Blog,
i feel terribly sorry but i wont do anything about it.

Dear Blog,
i will remain aloof.

Bersabar

Bila menyebut mengenai kesyukuran, tentu kita teringat tentang firman Allah SWT di dalam sebuah hadis qudsi yang menyebut mengenai sifat syukur, iaitu terjemahannya;

“Kalau Aku uji kamu dengan kesusahan, kamu tidak mahu bersabar, dan kalau Aku uji kamu dengan nikmat, kamu tidak mahu bersyukur, maka nyahlah kamu dari bumi dan langit Allah ini dan pergilah cari Tuhan yang lain.”

Kalau kita perhatikan hidup manusia ini dengan teliti, kita akan dapati bahawa manusia ini sedetik pun tidak terlepas dari diuji. Manusia diuji dengan ujian kesusahan ataupun ujian nikmat yang silih berganti datangnya. Kemudian manusia dituntut supaya bersabar dalam menerima kesusahan serta bersyukur dalam menerima nikmat. Jadi, pada hakikatnya, apa sahaja pergolakan dan perubahan yang berlaku dalam hidup manusia ini, ia hanya mempunyai dua sifat atau dua bentuk. Sama ada ia ujian kesusahan atau ujian nikmat. Atas kedua-dua bentuk ujian ini, hati kita perlu menerimanya dengan betul, iaitu bersabar apabila menerima kesusahan dan bersyukur apabila dikurniakan nikmat.

Di antara kedua-dua tuntutan ini, sekali imbas kita lihat, bersabar itu lebih susah dan lebih berat untuk dipraktikkan.Ini kerana dalam bersabar, hati manusia perlu melalui kesusahan, keresahan, tekanan dan penderitaan. Emosi, fikiran dan ketenangan jiwa terganggu. Kebahagiaan hilang. Bersyukur pula, pada sekali imbas, nampak lebih senang dan mudah kerana hati manusia berada dalam keadaan tenang dan gembira; tidak ada tekanan atau penderitaan.

Apakah ini benar? Adakah bersyukur itu lebih mudah dari bersabar? Kalau benar kenapa tidak ramai orang yang mampu bersyukur? Kenapakah orang-orang yang benar-benar bersyukur itu sedikit sekali bilangannya. Kenapakah Allah ada berfirman di dalam Al Quran:

Maksudnya:

“Sedikit sekali dari hamba-hamba-Ku yang bersyukur.” (Surah As-Saba’: 13)

Bersyukur itu sebenarnya berperingkat-peringkat. Ramai orang, apabila mendapat nikmat, lantas mereka memuji Allah. Mereka ucapkan ‘Alhamdulillah’. Ini bersyukur cara biasa. Ramai yang boleh bersyukur dengan cara ini. Akan tetapi, kalau setakat ucapan sahaja, ia belum lagi dikira bersyukur yang sebenarnya. Kalau setakat ucapan sahaja, tetapi tuntutan tuntutan lain dalam bersyukur itu tidak dilaksanakan, maka ditakuti ucapan ‘Alhamdulillah’ itu hanyalah untuk mempermain- mainkan atau mempersendakan Allah sahaja.

Ramai juga orang, apabila menerima nikmat atau diselamatkan dari bala bencana, lantas mereka memuji Allah dan mengucapkan ‘Alhamdulillah’. Di samping itu hati mereka benar-benar merasakan Allahlah yang telah memberi mereka nikmat itu, atau Allahlah yang telah menjauhkan mereka dari bala bencana tersebut. Mereka diberi pahala kerana merasakan syukur itu di dalam hati mereka. Ini bersyukur peringkat kedua.

Adapun syukur yang sebenar itu ialah syukur yang diucapkan oleh lidah, yang dirasakan atau ditasdikkah di dalam hati, dan yang dilaksanakan dalam perbuatan. Di samping mengucapkan ‘Alhamdulillah’ dan di samping merasakan di hati bahawa Allahlah yang mengurniakan nikmat tersebut, nikmat itu mesti digunakan atau dikorbankan ke jalan Allah. Inilah hakikat kesyukuran yang sebenarnya.

Kalau kita kaya contohnya, kekayaan itu perlu digunakan ke jalan Allah untuk membantu fakir miskin, untuk jihad fisabilillah dan untuk kemaslahatan umat Islam keseluruhannya. Begitulah juga dengan segala bentuk nikmat Allah yang lain. Semuanya perlu dimanfaatkan ke jalan Allah untuk mendapat keredhaan-Nya.
Firman Allah :

Maksudnya: “Kalau kamu bersyukur atas nikmat-nikmat-Ku, Aku akan tambah lagi nikmat-nikmat-Ku. Tetapi kalau kamu kufur nikmat, ingatlah sesungguhnya siksa-Ku amat pedih.” (Surah Ibrahim: 7)

Syukur seperti inilah yang Allah suka dan yang Allah mahu. Dia akan tambah lagi nikmat-Nya, untuk ‘cover’ balik apayang dikorbankan ke jalan Allah itu.

Justeru itu, kita dapati dalam bersyukur itu ada tugas, ada kerja dan ada tanggungjawabnya iaitu kita terpaksa mengguna dan mengorbankan segala nikmat yang Allah kurniakan itu ke jalan Allah. Nikmat Allah itu perlu ditadbir, diurus dan digunakan pada jalan yang betul. Amat mudah bagi manusia lupa diri dan menggunakan nikmat Allah itu kepada jalan yang sia-sia atau lebih berat lagi kepada jalan maksiat. Kalau ini berlaku maka nikmat itu akan bertukar menjadi bala dan mendapat laknat daripada Allah.

Dalam bersabar, kita tidak ada kerja atau tanggungjawab tambahan selain dari menahan perasaan. Tidak ada bahaya menyalahgunakan nikmat kurniaan Tuhan. Apa yang perlu hanyalah menjaga dan mendidik hati supaya dapat menerima ketentuan Allah itu dan berbaik sangka dengan-Nya.

Barulah kita faham kenapa Allah berfirman bahawa sedikit sekali hamba-hamba-Nya yang bersyukur kerana bersyukur itu sendiri bukanlah suatu perkara yang mudah.

Fahamlah kita sekarang, bersyukur itu rupanya lebih berat dari bersabar.

(taken from www...)

Kata Hati

Terdetik tiba-tiba..

Orang yang menyakitkan hati itu
a)Bodoh dan jahil-tak tahu adat, tidak diajarkan adab sopan kerana tak sedar perbuatannya menyinggung orang lain ATAU

b)Minta puji-sengaja mengada-ngada, terhegeh-hegeh dan gedik minta perhatian.

pilih...

Ya Allah, Sakit hati hanya Engkau yang lebih tahu. Aku berserah kepada-Mu ya Allah. Sesungguhnya Engkau Tuhan yang Maha Menilai dan Maha Mengetahui akan segala sesuatu.

Tawakaltu 'ala Allah. Laa hawla waalaa quwwata illa billah.

Daily Dwelling

Today is progressive as usual. Life has never slowed down so far. always at the same speed-which really needs me to get a grab of things or multi task so that everything would be smooth running. Supposedly, i have to attend a colloquium today, but i didnt. simply because i have been doing other things and i dont have enough time to do them, so i asked to be excused.

Today, i managed to complete few things

a)Marking listening test for AE101
b)MC text f or monthly assembly
c)trying to do the tentative-to my exasperation as i struggled hard to get use to Publisher..Really need help with tech. i must say that my effort is unsuccessful.huhu
i have to ask one of my friend to help me with that..

i wish i could settle matters related to assembly before friday so i would have time to do other things.

One point to mention... I am awestrucked.by so beautiful a thing.My heart really skip a beat, and i didnt realise i was holding my breath.and tears started flooding my eyes.as i pray to Allah to let me have one of the "beauties".As i realised i was late again and the "beauty" is taken..huhu

Now i understand why sometimes people cry over "beauty"..

Of youth

PMU and 3D2N Program.

3D2N program is an academic based program where form 5 students from several schools come over to Poli and undergo -sort of-orientation program. In my time, i went to one such program called kem Kecemerlangan in UMS. We went to several places in campus, and do lots of academic based activities. basically, the point was to give moral support for students who will be taking SPM. The nature of the program is probably the same.

i went around after office to see how things moving along. Seeing those youngsters, so full of life and spirit somehow injected good spirit to me. i have always like working with younger people. Their energy have the power to motivate me to be more zestful. so innocent and simple minded. So unassuming, yet spirited. i was moved by the innocence of early life..Mine has long gone with age, and hopefully experience.
i didnt mean it to be a bad thing though. All people, at one point in life would lost the innocence of early life. It is just that, seeing those innocence again once in a while will give us the opportunity to reflect on life in general..it has the renewal effect psychologically.

i was amazed by the abundance of positive energy.it is definitely contagious.

Rambling of the heart

I realised one thing a few days ago. That i actually never stopped liking this one person. I denied the fact for more than a year now for a specific reason, and now i have to admit that i really like this person. The day he asked me something, and the times when we talked about a thing..it suddenly hit me that, i actually like him..

i like him because he is mature, responsible, trusting, caring, kind, brotherly,full of sense of humor but not a crackhead-in short, dependable, reliable, calm and never busybodied about other people, hardly make personal comment, he knows what he wants,never judge people yet firm and has his own standard. He is not handsome, but handsome was never in my list of characters..so he passed.

Thinking positively now, i met quite a number of people who were matured, dependable, reliable, responsible, serious and driven, and i feel really attracted to these quality. the qualities made them irresistable and attractive in my eyes..
i wouldnt mind being married to one of them:o)

If i ever lost one person with these quality, i would cry blood. But let say, you lost someone who is handsome but does not possess any of the qualities, is it worthy of tears?DEFINITELY A WASTE OF TIME!:o)

Positively again, the reason why we are not with a particular person, was simply because it wasnt meant to be. maybe you are far too good for him.and he was not the right person anyway..Now, shouldnt blame ourselves if he left because he is clueless, should we..DEFINITELY NO:o)

Everything will work out just fine.InsyaAllah

Mencari Kekuatan Dalam Kelemahan

Dunia memang sangat pelik. Bila kita tersenyum dengan hati terbuka menerima apa yang datang di hadapan, tiba-tiba ia bertukar wajah tanpa bersebab. Ia menjatuhkan kita dalam lubang dalam yang tak dapat di panjat, gelap dan dalam. kemudian. Bila kita sinis menerimanya, ia cuba pula menunjukkan wajah indahnya. bila kita bersendirian dan hilang arah, ia menunjukkan satu demi satu pintu gembira. Bila kita gembira, satu demi satu pintu itu ditutup dan kita dibiarkan sendirian mencari arah.
Hidup ini juga pelik. tiada corak yang tetap dan warnanya pudar selepas satu saat.Tiada penunjuk arah dan tiada laluan kecil. semuanya terbentang kosong di hadapan. kita pula yang termangu-mangu meneka arah..
Sepahit mana pun kehidupan dan sesinis mana juga dunia, kita harus redha menerima. kita harus berusaha mengubah dan memperbaiki. Kita harus sedia melepaskan tali yang sudah putus dan gantikan dengan tali baru yang lebih kejap. Supaya sekiranya kita perlu mendaki lagi, sekurang-kurangnya, kita sudah bersedia.
Kerana kelemahan hari ini, kita berupaya mencari kekuatan baru. dan kerana kesilapan semalam, kita tahu arah mana yang harus dituju. belajar melalui "trial" dan "error".Semoga niat yang baik disertai dengan kesungguhan usaha akan mencipta suasana kekuatan baru yang lebih baik.
Kelemahan itu adalah kekuatan yang sebenar.. hanya saja kita perlu tahu menggunakannya untuk memotivasikan diri. InsyaAllah

DUH!!!!

a specific group of people has turned to become lunatics. It is annoying, irritating, stressful and an extremely revolting experience.

GO JUMP OFF THE BRIDGE!

Peringatan

Peringatan kepada diri sendiri:

1.Segala yg terjadi ada hikmahnye. Mungkin Allah nk kita jadi orang yg lebih baik dr sebelum ni.
2.Mungkin sebelum ni kita lalai dan lupa kat Dia.
3.BerSABAR, BerSYUKUR and BerDOA lah!
4.Happiness will come bila kita betul2 redha dgn ujian Allah.
5.Be POSITIVE!
6.Terusksn berDOA dgn YAKIN!
7.Dapatkan kasih sayang Allah dgn berSYUKUR atas segala nikmat yang Allah dh bg.
8.Utk bahagia dan berjaya, kenalah berSABAR barulah pass ujian Allah.
9.REMEMBER! Allah tu Maha Mendengar n Maha Mengetahui apa saja yg kita bisikan dalam hati kita - tu juga DOA.
10.Banyakkan merayu pada Allah...

(taken from Atih's Honest Encounter...)

reflective

came back from kem kemuyang on sunday afternoon. at night, attended Malam 1Budaya, PMU. i thought i would be flat tired but, the energy of the night got me excited. so, i was able to function. More than i expected. Though, in the evening somebody not quite responsible called up and 'ordered' me to go early at the hall to help with the table arrangement. What she didnt know was bos had already asked me to go at certain time.Total Lack of consideration for me.. when she was away all over town for something insignificant.and didnt even show her face at night.Damned selfish. and some people who claimed to be tired by doing nothing..If u really wanted to talk about tiredness, then you can go fucked yourself up!

Kem kemuyang was a fresh experience. lots of things to learn, a new dimension to explore. i was grateful i went. the director was real cool guy, very down to earth, sense of humor, mature, very gentlemanly, very accomodating and in total, a very knowledgable and wise guy..Really,you have to spend some times with him to know what a leader he is.. He joined the teambuilding activities which are all physical based..but never once complained about a thing. I really felt touched during one of the activities because it required tremendous physical strenght and the students were doing it like crazy..i was touched by their team spirit.So he was showing me his photos taken during the activities, and it accidentally slipped from my mouth. and he said something that showed understanding..right then, i was touched beyond description...again. But over all, it was a good experience.new people and new environment.:o)

Someone was playing dirty. If you were stressed up about some other people, why would you say it to me?what do you want-for me to tell that person for you?or simply because you think that it would be easy to bully me than THAT person? You said you pity me because THAT person keep on ordering me around and i keep on saying yes..or you are actually just being sarcastic?You were talking along the line of religiousness, i wondered if you were really showing an exemplary behaviour. Without realizing it, my friend..you are also bullying me by singling me out for your dissatisfaction towards the other person. i DARE you..go speak to THAT person..dont just talk to someone whom you think you can bully around. and, please next time..dont use the brotherhood concept.You dont even understand it.

and today, a long lost person came back to ask for favour. just as i had expected. im not available at disposal baby. you seemed to find everybody around you to be better than me, and no offense..but it seemed that whatever i do for you would never be good enough to even categorized me as your friend. So, why dont you ask those others to help you out,hmm?

i can do without complication or nonsense.

Oh, the pain!

my heart burst out in pain,
as tears rolled down my face.
wet,wet,wet and wet again
as i tried to stop it.
oh heart please dont failed me,
please be strong,
courage dont desert me,
as i bend down to pick the pieces.
how can you understand the sharp twist in my heart,
you cant even see?
how can you see
if you dont even care?
misery and sorrow,
please dont keep me company.
i beg you to leave me.
i beg for mercy.
though my heart bursts a million time,
i want to keep my smile.
though a beaten one,
but bravely

tired

the last time i remembered being physically tired was during my year 3 in university..where i joined lots of program..and i couldnt even remember falling asleep at night.where i cant remember any dream while sleeping. Tired that is beyond description. My house is almost Not Live-able:o).Next week is a one week short break for me before i continued my busy-ness with 2 more programs..one program ends in the afternoon, and one program starts immediately afterwards.

But i guess, i can go through anything as long as i keep my focus, not lazy, and stay positive

But, i remembered at one point, thinking that i wanted a job that keep me busy.I get just what i had wished for.

masa

Rajinnya saya..
saya cuba untuk buat apa yang saya mampu..setiap hari..buat apa yang saya dapat buat..
bimbang masa takkan mengizinkan saya untuk buat apa yang saya buat hari ni..
masa yang berlalu takkan boleh diundurkan balik..
bimbang bila tiba masa yang sempit itu...
saya akan rasa rindu untuk buat semua ini..

Yang Terbaik

Aku hanya mampu berdoa,
mengharapkan yang baik-baik saja bakal terjadi,
mengharapkan yang terbaik untuk semua orang..
Aku meminta
kekuatan yang bukan sedikit
untuk ku bisa bangun
dan menerima seadanya
apa adanya yang bakal terjadi
yang telah terjadi
dan yang bisa terjadi
dari semua apapun..
semoga usaha yang setakat ini,
akan ada hasil yang lebih baik,
aku tidak mampu lagi
berlari mengejar yang tak pasti
mimpi-mimpi kosong
dan bual-bual
sekadar mengisi waktu terluang.
Jasad yang merasa
di hati yang sengsara dan kecewa.
keluh kesah yang tak bererti.
sendiri
sepi
luka
kelabu.
Mana dan siapa
lebih baik usah ditanyakan
Kerana Dia lebih tahu Urusan'Nya.
Saat Dia mengatakan Jadi-maka ia pun terjadi.
Aku hanya mampu mengharapkan yang baik-baik saja
terjadi kali ini.
tak mahu ada yang lebih terluka
dan tak mahu hati sendiri kecewa.
segala sesuatu apapun..
Ku balikkan kepada Mu.
kerana Kau lebih Mengerti
Apa yang tersirat di hati, Ya Rabbi

I never..

Im a very simple person..or so i thought.

I never ask anything from anyone.
Im not a control freak.
im flexible with anything.
im not easily angered.
i dont busybodied about other people's business
i dont care even if people being unkind to me-because they dont matter to me.
-i dont care about many things because i realize that people's values are different.
i stopped trying to change others because it never worked,and in the past it made me depressed.
i know that what i think is the best for me is not the best for others.
i never pushed people around.
i never say the first thing that comes into my mind about other people.
i always try to avoid being judgmental.
im so not prejudice.
im never selfish-i always try to be in my best behaviour-even if i feel hurt.
i always believe in what i believe-and i always reserved my opinion for myself.
In short, i am very much neutral on most subjects.

people are in their worst behaviour,and all are eating up on me. They dont have consideration for my feeling. They avoid responsibility, they play the blaming game, they blackmailed, and they get mad over the truth. They speak of about what i didnt do, or what i do..without thinking about what i have been doing. They are speaking as if i am always at fault without thinking.
i never have any regret for what i do in my life-what i do for other people.I never ask for anything in return.im not asking for compensation for anything i do, or anything that i didnt get in this lifetime.i take it all in a stride.

for all my optimism,after all..people are just people. They dont give a damned...

Bittersweet

The fourth day of raya.

Not much to talk about. Went here and there for open house. This year i managed to find kuah kacang and sambal terung..my favourite among all. Very delicious. above all, hari raya was celebrated in moderation. What with project A ongoing, and some other things that do not permit us to spend money on a large scale. so basically,in moderation..

my mind is thinking about some unfinished business. i was wondering about EEP and EAPc-which to say the least-nobody informed me anything about where or when i would be for my first course.while my other friends had already been notified.So what am i supposed to think?I was given a leeway for hari raya? but my other muslim friends had already been notified.so i dont know what to think..

on another note...
everybody at home's favourite question for hari raya this year was..bila lagi?(get married), which really was beyond answer. My answer:No and Not yet.They said, im choosy..yes, i am. after all this is a big decision. this is a commitment for the whole life time..Is it asking too much to need a time to think it through?to make a good decision? This is like an investment. cant possibly be rash and impatience. Cant possibly be unemotional and just go through with the marriage without any ounce of responsibility or respect at all. Just because you think that, it is going to be good because everyone else approved,and you are happy because you are with the crowd, then where is the satisfaction? what's the point of being in a relationship where you think that you love the person, but cant really honour the it? you cant really be happy with him?cant really say that you are happy and not having any regret afterward? you are with this person, but think about other possibilities? I have many question which nobody wants to answer, or do not have the answer. and i cant really ask the questions because they will think that i think too much, too serious or plain freak..but heck, why wouldnt i? this is not as if we are playing games..this is for real!

Enough on that.. But still i dont mind they poking their nose on my life..i found it amusing. I just follow through with their planning on setting me up with someone. In the end im the one who is going to make the decision. i just smiled a sweet smile and agreed.

the time is really flying!so fast that i almost couldnt catch up..

Ruang Rindu

Di daun yang ikut mengalir lembut
Terbawa sungai ke ujung mata
Dan aku mulai takut terbawa cinta
Menghirup rindu yang sesakkan dada

Jalanku hampa dan kusentuh dia
Terasa hangat oh didalam hati
Kupegang erat dan kuhalangi waktu
Tak urung jua kulihatnya pergi

Tak pernah kuragu dan slalu kuingat
Kerlingan matamu dan sentuhan hangat
Ku saat itu takut mencari makna
Tumbuhkan rasa yg sesakkan dada

Kau datang dan pergi oh begitu saja
Semua kutrima apa adanya
Mata terpejam dan hati menggumam
Di ruang rindu kita bertemu

Being a good Muslim

i watched Travel and Living Channel on Sunday:a special episode about the Badshah of Bollywood-none other than the Great SRK.I was awestruck and for the first time i am thinking that, Shah Rukh, despite all the rumours and controversial things he might have done related to his field of work, he is truly a good Muslim.

It triggered fresh thought in my head.

Being a good Muslim is not only a matter of appearance or label. A good Muslim is one who is able to internalize the teachings, the values and ethics his/her way of life, in action, in words, and every other little things that mattered. Ibadah is the fundamental thing to be a good muslim but more than that, at the end of the day, it is how you live your life.

He talked about his passion for acting, his passion for life itself.and in the end, which really caught me by surprise was, the way he talked about sin and reward, heaven and hell, the life after death-in a very islamic way. suddenly my mind was directed to the concept of "work as if you are going to die tomorrow". in simpler term, it is a form of jihad-where you have to perform your duty or responsibility with the best of your ability. Shah Rukh was an embodiment of zest and passion, doing the best in his ability, because he believes that it is his calling to do what he do to the best of his ability.This, in my opinion is the symbol of faith.This, in my opinion again is a sign of a good muslim-by internalizing good values and ethics in daily dwelling.

A good Muslim has direction in his life. He knows his responsibility, and performs his duty to the best of his capability. A good Muslim knows that life is for living but what we do in this world will guarantee what we get in the hereafter. That by doing justice to oneself-putting things into its rightful places, we are doing the best for ourselves. And when the going gets tough, we move along and face it accordingly, knowing that, Allah helps those who help themselves.We believe that there is a Greater Power who Know All and is the Best Judge of All.

Sometimes, we tend to limit the perspective-Being Muslim by just performing ibadah -but we forget that Islam is an all encompassing religion-where the teachings focus on each and every aspect of life. Probably, that's why other people only know Islam based on the hijab/tudung we wear and because we perform prayers after adzan..hmm. Sometimes, it is only the label after all..

it was somewhat an eye opener for me. I feel more directed, focus and more zest for life. I feel that my obligation is in performing my responsibility to the best of my ability.Insya-Allah.

Thank You Allah, for giving me the wisdom to see things differently..There are lot more to learn, and everyday is certainly a journey towards perfection. Insya Allah

Hari Raya Hari yang Mulia

Ramadhan hampir ke penghujung. Terasa ringan sungguh ramadhan kali ni..mungkin lantaran dosa yang sedar dan tak sedar..kemaksiatan yang terlanjur atau tersengaja atau tak terkontrol..Dan lantaran amalan yang tak seberapa. Ahh! Demi Masa, Sesungguhnya manusia kerugian..

Beberapa hari yang tinggal ini, harapan agar ibadah yang sedikit ni dapat di maintainkan..Self-control yang kadang boleh pakai, dan kadang-kadang tak boleh ni, harapnya boleh di harapkan sepenuhnya. Ya Allah, tiadalah kekuatan melainkan Engkau.

Terjumpa sesuatu yang ditulis oleh seseorang..secara peribadinya...saya suka dan rasa tertampar sedikit. Mungkin kerana ada terbuat keatas orang lain, atau ada yang terkena kepada diri sendiri..

Sementalah rasional akal masih bersisa, disini, saya ingin melahirkan kemaafan kepada mereka-mereka yang mencalarkan hati saya, membuatkan saya membazir airmata tak pasal-pasal dan melukakan saya secara fizikal ataupun emosi..saya memaafkan anda-anda semua..dengan harapan anda-anda semua memaafkan kesilapan dan kekhilafan saya, yang sengaja, tak sengaja, yang teremosi dan sebagainya lagi.. saya hanya manusia, dengan kelemahan saya sebagai manusia..

berikut ini, adalah coretan maaf yang saya cilok dari kawan saya kerana saya suka akn teksturnya:o)

1.mengeluarkan bahasa kasar & kesat

2.memakan makanan anda dengan sengaja & xsengaja(mintak halal)

3.MENGUMPAT anda

4.menyampaikan UMPATAN MENGENAI ANDA kepada org lain

5.berhutang(sila tuntut..kontek no. enset)

6.mengeluarkan kata2 sindiran kpd anda

7.mengambil barang, kawan-kawan,kekasih anda dgn sengaja & xsengaja(mintak halal)

8.menjeling,menjuihkan bibir,ignore serta perilaku yang menyakitkan hati

9.dengan SENGAJA IGNORE kehadiran, sms,mms,email,pertanyaan,panggilan anda

10.dan segala-gala yang pernah menyakitkan hati

Salam Ramadhan al Mubarak, eid Mubarak..

Keep Up With Me, Baby!

For whatever you are baby, please keep up with me.
Dont live down to my expectation.
i need you to show me your worth, before i completely turn around
and think you are just another wallpaper flower..
Look nice but Fake!
I have been busy setting up bars to reach,
so that my game is advancing everytime,
i didnt realise,
for all your hues and thunder,
you are way far behind..
left out, and uninterested
Please keep up with me darling,
before i get bored and think
you are just a pretty-face.

Lamentation of sleepless-ness

Definitely one of the days that sleep is the very last thing on my mind.my eyes are still fresh, no sign of sleepiness yet. My mind is still racing with things to write and things to do for days ahead..I have tons of unfinished business, which im hoping i would be able to sort out before my break for hari raya. im trying to fully occupied my times to finishing all the works.

I am not in a good mood today. I am physically tired from the journey home after the course. With my big bags full of things, i certainly feel tired. Infact, i have been sleeping a lot since then. So this morning, when my colleague told me that something that should be done last week is going to start today, and i have to be there because i dont have anything to do...it simply turned my mood inside out. It turned out that the job was supposedly done by all the committees and not exclusive to just one person..My frustration was building up because, there were only the two of us were there, and after 1 bloody hour, then two persons turned up to help..By that time, i was beyond emotion..i feel..again..pushed doing some odd job because they think i can be push around..Hell and Damnation! and it wasnt a great help to listen to other people's lamentation about someone else...Dont you have any consideration for my feeling? emotionally drained...

im upset because, people think that they always knew what is the best for me and seemed to be contented to just make the decision for me..which i hate so much. and i hate myself for not being able to stand up!

solo

relieved to be at home!

after the course finished on Friday, i went straight back to my current address@my home for now. i dont have the zest to explore the place-what with fasting and hari raya coming soon..certainly not the time to go about foya foya..so i went on a solo journey back..a few minutes before boarding, someone called me.making sure that i was well on my way home..that was a very touching thing to do, which..i forgot to say thank you...:o)Thank You.

i reached sibu in about 9.15pm, i went straight to my booked room at hotel Medan.i went out to check the place, but not much. except for a reflexology shop and one Muslim restaurant..i wondered what kind of reflexology shop opened until the wee hour in the morning..none of my business anyway..i ended up eating at the restaurant, which was fully occupied by guys and couples. i ignored the fact, sit and eat and went out again afterward.. really, not much of a sight during the night.So i went back to my room, and watched a movie with Leon Lai and Jordan Chan in it(my faves)-The Skyline Cruisers-and slept about 12.26am.a very interesting thought, i actually go about checking the bolt and double check the door before i sleep..just because suddenly i felt that i need to be extra careful, one reason was to prove that i can take care of myself, and the other one was because i dont want anybody to worry about me:o)(coming back to the phone call)

Woke up at 4.30am, had my sahur and planned whether to go home by bus or by boat. i decided to go by bus, simply because i wanted to go about checking the place again..Around 9am, i went to the bank i saw last night, bought an 11.30 bus ticket, and the rest of my times were spent at the supermarket nearby..not much to do..
I met an Ah Mu(auntie) who asked for Rm3 to buy food for her sick child.I just didnt know how to run because she was so insistent-even hold my arm..Luckily a couple came up and started saying that Ah Mu was lying, and this was not the first incident to ever happened..She went straight away.. Thanks to the couple..This was the first time for me..and when i continued walking, i can feel that my feets were shaking, and that i was actually very frightened..who know what might happen if it wasnt for the couple? another thought cross my mind-while waiting for the bus, i met Ah Mu again..She went here and there and asked other people for money..Was it something about my countenance that made people think that i am an easy prey???Must be..because i noticed that she didnt ask from this particular girl who sat in front of me..simply because she looked uninterested..Hmmm

i was still thinking about why i didnt stay back in KL the whole journey..and i realised in the end why i didnt stay..to avoid anything that gets people talking-just as my bestmate's wish.

all i wanted was for him to understand that im a no nonsense person..Therefore, i'll do anything that is reflective of my words-staying away.

Rendezvous

Having a rendezvous with several of my friends...

5.15pm:went out to the commuter station, and used a taxi to The Mines Wonderland.There were 6 of us.We roamed around in the Mines waiting for Buka Puasa

7.00pm: Everybody decided to eat at Sushi King-Value for money, definitely..It was the first time i ate the Unagi-a type of fish fried with steamed rice(delicious) and another one i ate was....i cant remember the name. i ate Sashimi,Macha ice-cream with Daifuku-which is a combination of ice cream and something that look like kuih with read been in it..and the main course was the ...Terayaki Don..i cant remember the first word-which was so very mouth watering..ah, and i did try the wasabe-which was not bad..;o).i enjoyed the food, and planning to go to the one Japanese restaurant suggested by my friend in 1B later during the break for hari raya..cant wait!;o)

8.20pm: window shopping some more.I bought three sets of Beryl's for my sister and my baby brother considering that each set is sold for RM11.90 for 3 medium boxes. Murah compared to the one in airport..

9.15pm: Some of my friends suddenly realized that, we can cruise along the tunnel to the KTM station. So instead of waiting for the taxi, which in the 1st place cost RM7 to the nearby commuter station, we opted for the "Gondola"...hehe. Just cost RM2 each person..we definitely ended our roaming in The Mines in style..hahaha. It was a real beautiful experience for me..what with all the lights, the tunnel, the water..everything made me feel like iam in one of Shakespeare's play..

10.30 pm: reached the hotel..Didnt see anybody on the way up to my room. We made a quick detour for supper..still, nobody was there. So we helped ourselves with all the food. In my case, it was the fruit.I cant even looked at the bun or the tea..FULL.

11.00pm: watched TV..i quite like Supernatural-although i never watch anything like it before.Sleep at about 12.26..I couldnt hold on any longer..i was tired,full and sleepy..huhu.i Slept like a baby until Sahur.

I totally enjoyed the time with my friends. I hardly knew three of them, but they were nice and friendly.Easy to get along with..If i experienced any negative energy, it was all washed away by the time i came back. I feel quite suffocated and retrain before that, but afterward..what the heck..i dont give a damned..

The course(EEP and EAP) will end tomorrow, and i still havent called the hotel in Sibu.. Im hoping that Sibu wouldnt still be flooding..otherwise, i seriously would get stuck in Sibu..Hoping, hoping..Insya Allah

Oh yeah, i forgot to tempah Kek lapis from my friend..i wonder if it's not too late?

Restless Energy

i feel loaded with restless energy,thoughts and dissatisfaction..

i was thinking...

Twist and turn, twist and turn..and it all coming back to the starting point.

August started well enough for me. For a start, a conflict that has been dragging long enough was finally settled. I knew what i wanted to know, and was confident that thing was going to be better, which it did at first. At least, i am sure that i got my bestmate back. This time, i can feel the openness as we discussed about everything under the sun.. Though to be honest, my feeling was no longer the same feeling i once had for him. and i am happy for the chance to tell him everything i wanted to tell, and everything that i preferred-which was actually a little bit contrastive to what he had in mind. Im not the kind who would stay with a person who claimed to be in a relationship with someone else, and think that he could have the advantage of a girlfriend(me) at the same time. I prefer to stay out.But the main point was, the conflict was settled.

i was pissed off because there are some people, whose hobby were talking about other people's life. And when you confronted them, they get mad at you right back. very good indeed, May God blessed you. and even more pissed with people who have no sense of humour whose hobby were overeacting at any news they heard. And i am even more pissed at myself for my high tolerance of these people.I wondered how in the first place, i ever befriended them...Hmm,that's me..always have the knack for meeting the "right " kind of people for friends..Always at my best!

Hah!i dont know whether to laugh or to cry...

Updatez

Life gets complicated everyday-full of twist and turn..pleasant and unpleasant or plain crazy.Everything is in the package called LIFE. Have to accept-open the package to know what's in it-and try to deal with the surprises or the shocks of finding what's in it. No time to complaint..in the end it's all about the strategies you employ. it is in the strategy, people...

Done and finished quite a number of things:
a) completed Unit 3 for the new communicative module
b) Manage to give out-sort of- a take home tasks for my semester one students.
c) Manage to mark assignments of my sem 2 students.
d) Succesful experiment of karipap for majlis berbuka puasa for my Jab-with the help of my students of course-immensely grateful for that, considering that no one else from the Jab. showed up on the day of the majlis.Waiting anxiously for my KJ's comment..huhu. Anyway, it's the effort that mattered..hehehe
e) manage to work my brain off some task for the new communicative module:reaction paper-phew,that was a real challenge. Nobody was really sure what to do. New one from the Ministry. Great Job u guys!

Things/events pending:
a)Committee for the coming Kolokium-the research and development unit
b)Kem Kemuyang-kem Pemantapan Personaliti for students-as a secretary, there are tons of reporting to be done.and this one i will start after i came back from the EEP-Training for Trainer Course-which will start today.
c)Project for my sem 4 students-mock interview and mock meeting
d)updating some things-kualiti jab
e) start driving class-after cuti hari raya, definitely. wich reminds me i havent order any kek lapis from my friend. I will after i came back next week..Promises,promises..huhu

i find it extremely comforting to write in my blog. Nowadays, talking to people get me fed-up..because some of them are real pain in the a**.So, for that..Thank you my dear Blog. Without you, i would be suffocated with my own thought.

As it turns...

As it turns around, you showed who you really are.
a complete ridiculously, irresponsible , unthinking person.you dont care about any single damned thing!so what is the hue about you dont want "your name to be ruined by some bloody stuffs"?! Now, that i know what you are all about, it is easier to leave you for the betterment of my future.
To hell with all your "pretended" social decorum. Because they all are mere rubbishes and bullshits.

Many things happened this past week, and i decided to be positive about everything. I dont want to be clouded in unhappy mood.or be regretful about a thing. I want to enjoy everything in front of me, without any regret about the past. i want to continue looking forward, and forget about the past-no matter how much i had valued it.i am committed to my own word-and back down is not one of it..i planned to follow through. No matter how many of the things that i valued that i would lost.

Ramadhan is just around the corner. With hope that i would be able to internalize goodness and be able to improve myself in more than a way.Insya Allah.

im happy for the chance to express my feeling fully. and for the chance to say what i truly feel about something or towards someone..for the might to let go or accept something in totality.

im happy.

505

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs,
Stop and wait a sec,
Oh when you look at me like that my darling,
What did you expect,
I probably still adore you with you hand around my neck,
Or I did last time I checked,
Not shy of a spark,
A knife twists at the thought that I should fall short of the mark,
Frightened by the bite though its no harsher than the bark,
Middle of adventure, such a perfect place to start,
But I crumble completely when you cry,
It seems like once again you've had to greet me with goodbye,
Im always just about to go and spoil a suprise,
Take my hands off of your eyes too soon,


(arctic monkey)

Nice thought

kadang-kadang
kita cuba memuaskan hati orang lain
sedangkan
selalu kita abaikan kehendak hati sendiri
kadang-kadang
kita asyik mendengar kata mereka kerana takut dikata
sedangkan
kata diri sendiri diendahkan
kadang-kadang
kita sengaja membenarkan situasi supaya perbuatan itu nampak benar
sedangkan
kadang-kadang itu sedang menghancurkan apa yang telah kita miliki
dan
kadang-kadang
kita sengaja lupa apa yang dibelakang
kerana ingin cepat melangkah ke hadapan...
.......perlukah kita mengikut kata2 dan kehendak org lain? supaya kita sama standard, ada geng, ikut aliran?
men.S.A.M.P.A.H.kan mereka yg meng.H.U.K.U.M.i

(taken from tulank rusuque)

All the blogs in my blog rolls are my favourite. iam a fan of their style of writing..so sometimes i went around and quoted directly from them what i myself cant clearly expressed in my writing.. This one was a real nice one from my friend. So TEPAT DAN MENGENA...i like the sentiment, i like the style and i like the tearing effect in this piece..

Or maybe because, i like it because it slapped me right in the face for always ignoring my ever so true intuition...

The good and the not so good

Today is an extremely beautiful day. The sky was blue and cloudless. The sun was shining brightly. The wind was blowing softly.trees were swaying.and on and on.i feel such a contrastive aura as i walked around with black umbrella,black tudung,black bag. Thank god for my blue sandals and white shirt.such positive energy that made me think of only the good things. A bonus point was i instinctively told my friend to go for waiting list. Guess what? She got it.oh yes.i am gliding throughout the day. Subhanallah walhamdulillah for it all.one not so very positive.i hadnt done anything on my fail kualiti for jabatan. Nil. It was my fault for being ignorance about it. If i cant finish it by 8am this coming monday,then i'll take full responsibility for it.i will not run away from my commitment. Insya Allah. I decided to take full responsibility for it..

Melankolia

Indah di mata, indah d i jiwa yang berahi.. Bagaikan direnda, terpesona penuh asyik.. Dan kubelai.. Titis angin yg berbisik.. Buka rahsia.. Kau kekasihku? Pecahan ombak yang menyentuh pipi ini.. Pedih mata hati bagai ditusuk panah duri.. Dan kusapu..kerna kabur pandanganku.. Dalam langkah tarian cintamu.. Duhai malam, tiada bintang. Menghiasi taman kasih ini. Hanya aku sendirian, tak berteman.. Keseorangan.. Kekasihku, hanya aku. Yang memuja sisa cinta ini. Seandainya ombak laut surut lagi... Aku pergi.

Kerana...

Another new day. Mundane,common,routine, ordinary-uneventful. I finally settled my ticket for hari raya, which gives me sense of direction...in the morning, i tried to find materials for my classes but it seemed that my focus wavered, so i give up. Instead,i updated my attendance. Ready facts and materials,no thinking involved.suit me just fine. Later, i helped preparing document for the audit-supposedly this week.. There are things that i wish have ready answers. Too bad,there arent any. I deleted a person from my facebook list. And i didnt do it to purposely hurt anybody. I did it unintentionally. When i realised it,at first i thought it was not that bad. Maybe it was the best for everybody.. But guilt is eating up on me. So out of guilt,i informed this person of my action and asked whether i could add him up again.. Then again, i thought it was just a social web. What can be so bad about it? But then,it got uncomfortable.. Believe me.i am really sorry how it turned out. It was purely childish impulse on my part,i know. And that was totally unprofessional way of behaving. On second thought, maybe it was not bad after all.i promise myself that i would turn a new page of my life.in order for that to happen, i have to forget what's in the past. I have started afresh this semester, and if it would make me feel happier, than is it a bad thing to do? I just want a justification of my promise. I have been overly concerned by what people think or feel, and i hurt myself by compromising to that. I wish i could say that i didnt feel anything about this. Just so you know that i am..hurt. It just that, perhaps it's about the right time to move away..i remembered,once you asked me to forget what happened,and i am not sure you want me to forget all that had been said or the things we have done. I remembered once you said that you are not close to anybody,and wouldnt want to be close to one.. And i remembered thinking, am i not close enough?or the thought that say:so what am i to you? Which you answered much later...just a good friend. yeah,well. Indeed.Perhaps that's the answer..and perhaps,you are right. Perhaps this is the best for both of us...

Fractions

Today is progressive..i didnt run all over the house,i simply walk and look at everything. How i have neglected my bolthole. Today was a chance to fix and mend things that i can get my hands on. Surprisingly easy and well done.i was grateful of years of training-being second in command at home after mum-because my father was always working at other places-that im able to fix things myself..glad that i dont need manly presence to do simple things,such as fixing pipe or sink blockage..that are all learn-able skills,ladies and gentleman.. Labours in the morning, followed with cooking. My expertise again. Strangely,all my cooking skills,modifying and creating recipes i got it from my father. My father loves cooking, from steamed fish, asam pedas,hinava,mixed vege with oyster,fried rice to spaghetti, meat and chicken, soup..you named it...everything is only the best in town...even maggie tastes differently.my mum has the same good taste and skills.so, i become one.. Grateful that i get the benefit of both. I know why i hate sissy-ness.hahaha. Today i watched two movies.. Qaisy dan Laila, and another one was Laskar Pelangi. Both strengthen my belief in humanity. Laskar was a story about the importance of education. I was deeply moved by the innocence of the portrayal. It moved through the point of view of the children-a clear message of how life events controlled your life,but somehow it depends on you to deal in which way. It strengthen my motivation to try giving my best to my students. To understand that sharing what i have is a responsibility that should be carried out with all due respect. What would it be like to teach in a place like that? No proper facility, not sufficient wages?i was thinking,here we get everything we want,everything we need,salary that's more than enough..and still.. Most of the times,we still complaint more,and work less.or not working at all..we cant even be responsible for our job,let alone to god.. It was a good point for reflection. Qaisy was a story about human relation. Again it is thought evoking. This is the second time i watched.though not entirely this time. I noticed the gender issues and the harsh reality of people living in war zone. Dreams and hopes are not possible because every minute is a struggle to be alive. Every second is a challenge to overcome doubts and fear. They were facing physical and mental torture and still they go on living,surviving their doubts and fears. So i learned a lot.. I realised that disappointment or rather hardship is not uniqe.it happens all the times to different people,in different situation,at different time.and we,human learned how to cope,and behave accordingly.... Hmmm.i miss my baby,his smile and his antics.i have to wait for a month before i can hold him.oh,the long wait.and i also feel proud of something ive done that had or hadnt made a person happy..i intended to make my professional life stress free. That's all. Now i can begin my voyage on my newfound happiness by focusing on my wants and needs(and let others mind their own business@. TQVM

Thank you

This is to say thank you to whom it may concern.

Thank you for pretending to be my friend so i learn to value a real good friend.

Thank you for telling my secret to another person so i learn that trust is invaluable.

Thank you for telling everyone that i was being immature so i learn how a mature person think and act.

Thank you for laughing at my eccentrics so now i learn to have more respect to people around me.

Thank you for thinking that im trying to beat you in everything so i know that i must be the best in my game.

Thank you for trying your best to fix thing for me so im able to appreciate it when people were really helping.

Thank you for making the effort to be nice, so i know nice person when i meet one.

Thank you for making me feel so much pain so i wont ever think of causing others to feel the same.

Thank you for showing your true colour,at least i know now who i should stay away from.

I promise to be in shape and gain the trust i almost lost from that somebody who always show professional and moral support-regardless of my worsen performance these lately.

Thank you Allah,again for the million chances you bestowed on me. Alhamdulillah.

Aku

Kalau sampai waktuku
'Ku mau tak seorang kan merayu
Tidak juga kau

Tak perlu sedu sedan itu

Aku ini binatang jalang
Dari kumpulannya terbuang

Biar peluru menembus kulitku
Aku tetap meradang menerjang

Luka dan bisa kubawa berlari
Berlari
Hingga hilang pedih peri

Dan aku akan lebih tidak perduli

Aku mau hidup seribu tahun lagi

Aku lari ke hutan, kemudian menyanyiku,
Aku lari ke pantai, kemudian teriakku
sepi... Sepi dan sendiri aku benci.
Aku ingin bingar. Aku mau di pasar.
Bosan aku dengan penat, dan enyah saja kau, pekat!
Seperti berjelaga jika aku sendiri
Pecahkan saja gelasnya biar ramai
Biar mengaduh sampai gaduh
Ahh.. ada malaikat menyulam jaring laba-laba belang di tembok keraton putih
Kenapa tak goyangkan saja loncengnya?
Biar terderah, atau...
aku harus lari ke hutan belok ke pantai?
-Chairil Anwar-
Maret 1943

Killer instinct

I am right. Again. Someone is getting married.the thing is i already guessed way before anybody else knew about it.the thing is the girl i thought was with him wasnt.the other one who was quite unexpected actually..hmm.my two friends were practically accidentally talking about this certain someone when they mentioned about this other girl.and i also think that the girl was someone from his place..so i am right about one thing,and also wrong about another.i feel so much better knowing that because it troubles me to think about our recent development.now that im sure about one thing,it is easier to let go. Since my instinct on this one is right,should i trust my instinct on other things? I couldnt let myself run away with my imagination again,could i?least im wrong again..