Syukur

Allahu akbar Allahu akbar Allahu akbar. Laa Ilaaha ilallahu Allahu Akbar. Allahu akbar walillah ilhamd.

Syukur...

Raya dengan sejuta syukur yang tak terucap. Segala pujian bagi Allah, Tuhan yang Maha Mempermudahkan urusan. Raya yang serba sederhana tapi penuh rasa terima kasih kepada tuhan yang Esa, atas nikmat dan rahmat yang sukar digambarkan. Apalah raya yang lebih istimewa selain daripada raya yang diraikan dengan kehadiran missing person yang hilang bertahun-tahun dan kembali for good? Subhanallah. Allah jualah yang Maha Memungkinkan kejadian segala sesuatu. Indeed, blood is always thicker than water..

Humbling.

Yes. Very. Pertemuan yang mengajarkan betapa besarnya erti tawakal dan ikhtiar. Betapa besarnya hikmah sabar. Merasakan Kasih sayang Allah yang Maha Besar kerana memberikan kesempatan dan kematangan untuk menilai kebaikan-kebaikan disekeliling. Terbatasnya akal tak dapat menjangka apa yang berada di hadapan. Suntikan semangat yang tak berpenghujung. memberi kekuatan yang tiada bandingan. ya Allah, Kuatkan hati hamba Mu ini di jalan Mu. Tetapkan hati hamba Mu ini di jalan Mu ya Allah.


Mencari Moral of the story.

tak mencari. ia ada di hadapan mata. "bagi mereka yang mahu berfikir (akan kebesaran Allah)".
Kembali dengan rasa insaf dan redha. Kerana apa jua yang berlaku adalah yang terbaik untuk hambanya pada  Allah.

Pasrah itu menyerah, Redha itu ikhlas....

Insya-Allah

The Gentleman from Porlock

I dont know whether to feel happy or sad for my Gentleman from Porlock is Single again...

But even if we ever cross path again, would he still accept me the way i am now? Coz i lost half of my former self...?i didn't even wait for him. and it was 7 years already.So many things have changed, for better and for worst.

*Rasa sebak yang tak tahu kenapa.*

This is INSANE!

Sometimes i do feel like giving up completely. i feel tired, i feel bored, i feel hopeless, that i just want to throw everything to the air and run. But, then again, on many other second thought, that wouldn't be a good thing to do. Especially for me.

Especially, when i have to rush to work in the morning because i have no heart to get up, get dress and be ready to face the world (literally and figuratively)
i get tired trying to avoid stepping on anyone's tail, trying to avoid confrontation and trying to be calm under any circumstances. I get tired living with no voice. i get tired of living at all. tired of people who don't know when enough is enough. tired of everything. tired of avoiding confrontation just because people will always blame someone who is frank enough to have her own mind. i get tired of crying my heart out just because people are often insensitive and i never said a word. i get tired of pretty much everything.

im tired of crying because i feel so out of place, out of focus, uncomfortable and sick. i feel so tired.
Tired from having to tolerate people who made me this ill (mentally and psychologically). Tired of knowing about something, but doesn't really know what to make of it.
Tired of forgiving people who dont know the meaning of forgiveness, and keep on doing the same thing after the previous one is forgiven and forgotten.

im tired of hoping that everything is gonna be alright, and everything would stop, and that person or persons would have enough conscience in his and her mind to live out of their insecurity. thus, stop torturing me.

Ya Allah. This is unbearable!

Rasa itu yang memberat di kepala

Rasa yang memberat di kepala dan mengguris hati.

hati, tolonglah.
lepaskan aku dari cengkaman rasa masa lalu,
yang berterbangan bagai debu,
dan bagai embun
hilang dimamah mentari pagi.

Minda, bantu aku.
Carikan jalan meleraikan kusut yang tak di pinta.
tepung sudah lama bertaburan,
rambut sudah terputus tiga.
tak mungkin bisa kembali ke masa dulu.
atau bertahan di masa depan,
tak sanggup menyaksikan
sandiwara demi sandiwara
yang bak garam
menyiram ke luka.

Oh Tuhan.
Aku sudah tak mahu bertangisan.
Aku jelak dengan kelemahan
Aku sudah mencampakkan bendera putih.
janganlah kiranya kau menyamakan aku dengan orang yang lari meninggalkan medan.
Aku masih disini.
Berjuang mempertahankan diriku
Namun aku tak cukup kuat untuk bertahan seorang, Ya Allah.
Berikanlah aku kekuatan,
sekiranya pedang menusuk,
aku mampu mengelak ,
atau sekiranya ia mengenai dadaku,
aku mampu menariknya keluar,
dan mampu pula merawat luka itu.
Dengan IzinMu. ya Allah.

Oh Allah,
Aku ini hanyalah makhlukmu yang lemah,
yang tak berupaya melainkan dengan kudrat Mu
yang tak bisa apa-apa.

Peluklah aku dalam Belas Kasihan dan Rahmat-Mu ya Allah.
-kerana aku merasakan kesakitan yang amat.

a little bit of here and there

One week before the eid. Im still at my current address with half of my mind and soul already at home. Normal. It always happen when  we are waiting to go back home to our family. Everything happens in blurry mode. My good friend is on the way home. I would spend these few days on my own before i go back on the 16th. i can't wait!

i can't believe that i am done with my class activity: except for listening test and a little bit of group discussion. i am still thinking of activity to do to fill up a two hour long class on Monday. I don't want my students to think that it;s okay to cut short the class just because everyone else is doing the same. So, what activity could it be?thinking, thinking.

My broadband had reached its volume's limit. i couldnt do anything online, except for Facebook, and reading news. However, my downloading activity is completely out of question, my dancing-exercising activity also out of question,everything is out of question. Life is becoming so boring.again. I suddenly feel that my free time is so dependent of my broadband. So i started making full use of my TV. huh, and disappointed because of lacks of interesting programs to watch. So i sit around and sit around..(^__^)

i'm having  weird dreams. dreams where i feel like someone is trying to break in or go into my house while i am sleeping. i heard pounding doors, or sounds like someone is hammering my door/doing something to that capacity. i was always frightened by that. i woke up confused and scared and unable to resume sleep. So, it might be an emotional or psychological state. i wonder, what could be the source of my fear? if that is true, what triggers that fear?or who?these dreams are recurrent.

i was out shopping for my baby brother-baju melayu for hari raya when suddenly i saw a very beautiful pant in the store. So i tried them.and it fit just nice. i would 've bought it, but it wont be decent way of dressing for a Muslim. Previously, i wouldn't care so much, but i promise myself to be better.So i put it down, with nothing but a strong conviction that good intention leads to good action. Allah knows best what is in our heart. On the way home, i saw something that, on any other day, would've teared my heart to pieces. Again, i have this strong conviction that Allah knows what best for His Servant. I give my complete surrender to Him. " Terdapat Kemudahan dalam Kesulitan" Insya Allah.

A glimpse of Pak Abu

It was many moons away since Pak Abu. and everytime when it comes to him, i still feel so much sadness.Sadness for the friendship that has to end. And sadness, 'cause both of us were not strong enough to keep it in place.

So much sadness!So many uncomfortable silence.So much to say, but nothing can come out. And it struck me that there are people who leave you for good. And there are people who leave because  we are not strong enough to stop them.


........................................................................................................................................................


It is the holy month of Ramadhan, and a glimpse of him makes me feel teary. I'm really sorry for everything that might hurt you, or burden you, or troubled you Pak Abu. You will always be the best of friend in my heart. May Allah bless you and your family, and also the people that you loves. I pray for you to get all the best things in life. Amin.

Lewat Jumaat yang manis

Hadir lagi kamu di sisi,
saat hati mulai terdetik rindu,
Belum sempat menafsirkan
wajah dengan senyum manis menerpa di mimpi,
kamu muncul di saat jaga.
Tak mimpi. memang kamu.

Jika kamu dapat membaca
rona wajah memerah di hadapan kamu,
kamu akan bisa mengerti,
betapa rasa itu membuat ku jadi kelu
dan tak mampu bicara.
senyuman manis teriring di wajah,
Senyuman yang pemiliknya adalah kamu.

Saat ada kamu dunia menjadi wonderland,
Aku adalah Red Queen yang gagal mentafsir Alice.
Alice yang keliru dengan dunia Wonderland nya sendiri
Red Queen yang terbiasa dengan kebiasaan,
Yang terbiasa dengan cara sendiri,
Yang serba tak bermimpi tentang yang indah-indah.
Dan kamu Alice yang mengembara di alam fantasi
dan menemui aku, Red Queen yang hanya bisa wujud di alam fantasi.
Bukan di kenyataan.

Tapi, kamu wujud di kenyataan.
Dan aku bukan Red Queen itu.
Aku hanyalah Queen yang mencari King nya
untuk mencipta kenyataan.
Bukan Fantasi.

Second Chance

Day 13, Ramadhan Kareem.

i have been managing my business quite well despite the busy-ness. I was able to provide notes for my classes, and was able to come up, all of a sudden, with games to finish off a two hour class. Alhamdulillah, the barakah of Ramadhan. Allah who made easy all my endeavours. He who inspires ideas into His Servant's mind. I'm so thankful for the realisation. Alhamdulillah ya Rabb. He who made light the burden of responsibility.

SECOND CHANCE-some people is worth the second chance.

A contact with a long lost contact, who in the past, used to bully me into following her whim and fancy. A person, who has a strong mind of her own, and practically undefeatable. So, i was angry with her, so i distanced myself. Knowing how easy she could persuade me into doing anything she wanted, i avoided her. Because i didn't like her bossy attitude. And because, she seemed to always have this idea in her head that it was easy to pushed me around and took advantage of me. Until 1 incident, where i was really mad and decided to be frank about it. my feeling and how she had hurt me. Learning from another experience previously, from another person, i decided to take my stand. and i was right about taking my stand. at least,  she stopped trying to hassle me with herself and what she thought best for other people. and i also found it in my heart to forgive her, and let the past be bygone. Only to remember, next time to be very careful of people's intention.

and there's this one guy who, at a time, seemed to be a real good friend to be with. And then something happened that regretfully changed the whole meaning of the friendship. I never knew whether he was really a friend to me, or if he was just using my presence to fill in empty spaces, while he was waiting for someone better. Which i realised not long after that: was never me. Oh, i was so broken hearted, i felt cheated, i felt played on, my confidence dropped, i was very sad and depressed. He never did feel anything for me. So, i moved on, which mean many teary nights and days-but i have to be strong. I didn't want to be someone's secret life. But, i also found it in my heart that i would like to forgive him. For whatever it is that didn't turn out right. For every pain that i ever feel. I wanted to be happy, i hope he also find it in his heart to forgive me.

There is just one person that i couldn't bring myself to forgive. Everytime i remembered her, all the humiliation, the pain, the friends i lost, the things she did that i never did to her, there's a smell of fresh blood to my wounded pride. Only the love of people who care for me that keeps me going strong. I wake up everyday with things i didnt  know, and things i have to accept because nobody ever did give me the chance to explain myself. i am still wondering, of all the friendship, how can she?Ya Allah i still couldn't bring myself to forgive, but i surrender myself and mt hope to you Ya Allah. Hopefully in time, i would find it in my heart to forgive her.



Astaghfirullahal 'azim Ya Allah. I've sinned..