2015 is indeed the year which I lost the most part of myself. I lost my grandmother due to terminal illness. Besides my mother, my grandmother was my other mother. I spent a good part of my childhood with her, sharing her beliefs and values. Learning how to be a better person, learning to be a compassionate human being. If one said that a mother's love is abundant, just imagine if you have two mothers to spoil and love you. It was the best kind of love.
When she was gone, for a few days and even at this moment, her things in my room are intact. At first, I couldn't look at her things without crying. Let alone rummaged it. I couldn't go to her grave without shedding buckets of tear. I couldn't even watch movies she liked and not think about what she would say about it. The topic of conversation would always drift back to her. I spent nights dreaming of her just to catch glimpses of her in my sleep. I did, but dream is a dream, it slipped through your fingers like water. Days when I would think about the way she walked and talked and joked. Just the way she was. Again, memories can't be pinned down. She was gone for good. I remembered being furious and feeling offended at her funeral because some well-meant comments from the relatives, that it was better for her to have passed, considering her illness. NOBODY has the rights to say something so insensitive as that. No matter what was the intention, I rather if she just kept her mouth shut. I couldn't accept it that, who don't know her well, or knew her the least started speaking about her as if they cared!
On the other hand, I feel that I hadn't done enough for her. My only consolation was the thought that Allah has granted me one year and a half to be with her before she passed. I feel terribly guilty.
After she passed, I feel void. My feeling is empty or numb for a while. I don't know. I remembered feeling a vast loneliness inside me.
The truth is, I am terrified of losing more people; that everyone that I love is going to leave and there is nothing I could do to stop the inevitable. I was terrified. For months, I felt hopeless and terrified.
But death is inevitable. Sooner or later, everyone is going to leave for good. So the best we can do is to appreciate their existence before it's too late to do so.
