void and empty

I'm having fun this week.
almost every evening i went out and played squash with my friend. Like badminton,it is very easy to get better in squash.What you need is focus, and of course to import your badminton skill while playing. i was once a badminton player-second best in my zone-so,squash is not a big problem.But i have to play several times just to build up on stamina first.But i love it.it purged the stressness out of my system

i go out a lot these lately with my friends. i enjoyed spending times with them because they are more matured and they treated me differently from my friends of the same age. They are very nice people-they dont talk nonsense, and they dont get mad easily,and they didnt ignore people for no reason.They are always talking about the future, and i feel better with them. i love the good spirit actually. i love the maturity. Most of all, i just love being with them.

i got angry at my students. The first one, my semester one students were quite noisy.as i was explaining something about culture-we were in oral communication topic-i kept hearing murmurs here and there.i was trying very hard to point something at them..and they keep on talking. so, i wiped the board, i took my books and left the class-without any word. they laughed at me!and i keep on walking,sit quietly in my office and ignored my surrounding. i thought i was angry.but when i think about it, i was just boring and i couldnt go through with teaching on that day. I am bored.bored.bored. The second time, i asked one of my students to inform his friends that im going to be a little late.and he ignored my instruction.One of the students smsed me about that. i am angry because he ignored my instruction.My problem is i hate being ignored-reason or no reason. it drives me mad!

i was surrounded by people, and people who are genuine and nice.and i dont know why-deep in my heart-i still feel void and empty...

The Reason

Me?
i feel like dancing
i feel like laughing out loud
i feel like singing

I passed my table test..HOORAYY..

and because life is THE REASON to be happy.
Alhamdulillah.

Cloud and Silver Lining

It's a very eye catching phrase. to be frank, i dont really understand the meaning of "every cloud has its silver lining". i remembered people mentioned it from times to times, but it didn't stick in my head.

Well, i feel that someone just poured in magic dust into my life

Number one. Today, we celebrated the boss's birthday. It was supposed to be on Sunday, but we have just realised it yesterday. So, everybody agreed to celebrate his birthday, took picture, and just being jovial eating cake and Cheezel. The atmosphere was warmth and everyone was there except for those on leave. So today was ended in a high spirit, and it felt warmer than yesterday. I love the good spirit, it affects me like plague. I felt happier and it has certainly injected back some spirits into my gloomy life.

Number two.The boss mentioned about a course in Kapit. It is actually a course where people from outside of Sarawak are exposed to the cultural aspects of the local people. i have already filled in borang cuti for April. But when Ustaz mentioned that, ii interest me. Not only because im genuinely interested in culture but also because im bored with everything. My main weakness-easily bored. I'm bored with work and routine. i would anything in my power to get away from it. This is a good chance for me to clear my head from all the clutters. And so, i offered to go.

Number three. Today, i went for my second table test. With lots of confidence-infact i was the first one to finish the test. I hope i get better result. After all i have been studying for the past days.I am really trying hard for this. For all the jokes that my friends pulled in order for me to remember. I am crossing my fingers for better result.

Number four. i realised that i have been impractical these few months. One heck of a boring distressful girl. Terribly irrational and super sensitive. What i didnt realise was the strenght og my support system. I have friends that are there for me. My family, my sisters and my brothers have been real darling-kind, patient and understanding. I have wonderful people at work who helped with my works. And i dont know why i am such a complainer these lately. I focused so much on that thing which is not worth troubling over. Maybe this is what people meant about the closed door . You focus too much on the closed door that you didnt realise there is/are open doors somewhere else. I felt better.Much much better.

But mostly, to God for giving me the wisdom and strength to see all those wonderful things around me when i think that everything has lost its meaning. Praise be to You Ya Allah.

Gone

There's a thousand words that I could say
To make you come home
Seems too long ago you walked way
Left me alone
And I remember what you said to me
Kept on acting so strange
And maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change

Was it something I said, to make you turn away
To make you walk out and leave me cold
If I could just find a way
To make it so that she'll be right here
right now

Chorus:
I've been sittin here
Can't get you off mind
I try my best to be a man and be strong
I drive myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains
Your gone (gone)
Gone (baby your)
Gone
I don't wanna make excuses babe
Won't change the fact that your gone (no, no)
But if there's something that I could do
Won't you please let me know
Time is passing so slowly now
'Coz what's my life without you
Baby I could change my every day
Baby I don't want to

I'll just hang around and find some things to do
Take my mind off missing you (take my mind off you)
Yes I know in my heart you can't say that you don't love me too
Please say you do

Am I there in your heart
Baby why dont you see
That I need you with me

Gone

my passion

i love writing.My passion is writing. i love writing about things around me, my thoughts, and everything that interesting to me. it is an outlet for me to express my thinking and what i feel inside. i never was good with words, i couldnt really put my feelings into it. When i write, i am writing with my mind. So, it is more clearer than when i speak.

Writing helps me to be more expressive. Writing helps me to analyse. Writing helps me to build up my thought in an organized pattern. It is also a form of release-as well as an art. I can control what i write, but words once it out, it's out forever.So it is a form of release. Like reading, it is a mental process. Reading stimulates the brain to think, while writing allows you to let go of the excitement. But both required tremendous mental energy. like physical exercise-mental exercise helps to steamed out the things in your head.

i dont have favourite writers.i read basically all types of book. Because of this, i often stumbled on many interesting writers whose thoughts were appealing to my sense,my values and my outlook. I believe when it comes to reading, we shouldnt judge the contents.but we should just weigh and consider.we have to read with open mind. Then, we will see the magic of reading. i never limit my readings, just because it happened that, some of the most interesting points i found in my readings come unexpectedly from a piece that doesnt interest me at first. and for me that makes reading an adventure fulls of surprises. You never know what you might find. Reading is also good source to test our judgment-by being able to be selective of the information you read from a particular piece.

i am afraid...

im revising my blog.reading what i have written these lately. loads of emotional ranting.loads of negative emotions. Whatever happened to my positive carefree attitude-seems to be somewhat misplaced.

the thing is, i am homesick.it has been three months, and i have been working non stop, and i have all sorts of internal conflicts-my bestmate, my closest friend, my works, and myself. This afternoon, my friends were having a good laugh about me, they said that i said the most funniest thing without having to look funny. the truth is, i am a very serious person and said the most uncommon things. So they think it was funny. They dont understand me actually. that's why they said that.Im never simple, and my bestmate termed it as the common thing for literature people-to be annoying and nonsensical-not to mention "complicated".But the overall point is they dont know that im a very serious, private and personal person. i prefer to look at everything from a deeper perspective. When i said something, i dont want it to be just another "tong kosong"-speaking for the sake of speaking. i consider every word that comes out from my mouth. My bestmate preferred being blunt-which he termed straightforward.Suit yourself. im not the type of person who just blurted out anything-and regretted it later.i prefer to be selective of what i said. he dont understand that. everybody dont understand that. i dont believe in explaining myself to anybody. So,yeah,they can think what they like.

im just too damned personal these lately.too many thinking.Maybe, i just need a break from everything.get a breather or something. Otherwise, i'll spend the next few months being a real pain in the a**.

it's not ALWAYS about you

You might be thinking about yourself, what other people said to you, what they do,what they think about you..
But it is not always about you.Sometime, it doesnt even concerned you at all.
So, why obsessing about things you know nothing about?why should you feel bothered about nonsensical things that you think other people might think about yourself?
if it's true, let them do the thinking.i rest my case.

kamu lagi

sedang fikirkan kamu.
Dengan siapa?Buat apa?dimana?
sedang sangat rindukan kamu
tapi tak tau bagaimana
untuk beritahu kamu.
Fikirkan kamu
hidup kamu
kata-kata kamu
diri kamu
kebohongan kamu
kegembiraan kamu
harapan kamu
semua tentang kamu.
kenapa semakin hampir kepada kamu,
semakin banyak pula yang tak jelas?
kenapa semakin ingin dekat kamu,
semakin banyak yang tak kena?
apa yang benar tentang kamu?
apa pula yang salah?
yang mana yang harus di percayai?
yang mana yang harus dibenci?
SIAPA kamu?
SIAPA kamu?
SIAPA kamu?
kenapa perlu bertanya soalan,
sekiranya tiada jawapan yang pasti?
kenapa perlu mulakan
sesuatu yang sudah tamat?
kenapa perlu fikirkan kamu
bila kamu tak pernah memikirkan tentang apa pun?
selain diri kamu.

kenapa kamu lagi?

the day i was born

i was born in the early hour of a sunday 26 years ago. My mother said it was a few hours before Subuh.i was very much a cry baby, my mother had to constantly "dukung".I didnt breast fed, so there it was quite a hassle for my parents. I am the first born, so my late grandpa(father's side) and my grandma(mother's side) were trying to get my mother to go back to their respective home. As my grandma(father's side) had passed away years before they were married, so my grandma had the privilege to take my mother home.

But as i grew up, both are my favourite. They are nice people, and i learned a lot of things from them. They love to tell stories-basically stories with moral values. so, i grew up a very much grounded and mature, because of the elderly influence. The funny thing is, my late grandpa used to ask me to hold chicken for him. Sometimes he let me or rather asked me to catch those that got away..Such a fond remembrance. Maybe, he did that because he didnt know any other way to make feel included in his activity. When he was sick, he stayed at our house. he used to smoke his rokok daun after meals, so one day he asked me to buy him a lighter. i forgot-one of the things that i regretted.I was really sad when i remembered that, because he asked for help and i wasnt of much use. i pleaded with my father to go and stayed with him when he was hospitalised, and my father didnt let me because it was school time. When he died, i cried hard.it means that i have no grandpa left as my mother's father passed away while my mother was still in secondary.

My grandma is also a very nice person. When my grandpa(mother's side)passed away, my youngest uncle was still a baby. So she got a menial job with JKR, and only retired while i was in form 3. She never complain about anything, she is always kind to her grandchildren, the wisest person in the world for me. She is the source of my inspiration. One time, when i was off for matriculation, out from home for the first time, we cried together. She was worried of me. So i promised myself that im going to take good care of myself, and going to come back a better person. So many tender moments with her. i am a sucker for kindness, so every little thing she have done moved me tremendously. She is always the motivation for me to keep going on, to keep doing the best for myself and everybody around me. During trouble times, she was there with me, offering support and comfort.Whenever i came back for holiday, the question that she asked me was " will you remember me still when you are away?will you be thinking of me?" and i as usual, cried like mad.I love her so much, and i couldnt think what would it be like when she is no longer there.She offered more than emotional support, she offered financial support as well. i cried easily when im with her, and she will always hug me and said "cengeng". and smile.

There are many good things in my life.Those who never fail to show love and support, those who are the inspiration for me to be better, those who help to show the way around when i feel lost, those who never judge but try to mend, those who pray for me, those wonderful people who show kindness that only God can repay them, those who instil good faith in myself, those people who believe in me no matter what...and finally those few people who make me ponder about life in general, and change me into someone i never thought im capable of being, and those people who make me cry bitterly and make me think that im helpless.

Not to forget those strangers i met, but never get the chance to know each other better-i always meet helpful and kind strangers...

I thank god for every wonderful people in my life, without which i wont know what it would mean to live today.I thank god for all my plans that turn out just they way i wanted them to be. I could never ask for anything better/more.

So, i could never bring myself to say, that i did everything on my own,because there are so many people that shaped me into what i am and who iam today. Which, it is only in God's capacity to repay them back.