Marah

Im in a little bit of a mood swing today. Maybe it was the awful dream last night. The mood changes from sad to angry. i just cant figure out what's wrong. Then i got hit in the face. I was angry with myself, again for letting people take advantage of my readiness to help. i felt used and manipulated. i am bored that it is about to happen again. Basically, everything angers me.

As if everyone is freaking perfect, and unselfish. i am angry that i let that get to my head. i feel like throwing tantrums but forced to just endure. well, something isnt right here.

I am angry that i let some people used  me for selfish reasons. Haih, cover line la sangat. Lepas tu masa kecewa-kecewa, baru nak cakap, "actually we are blablabla". Damned it. You want to court someone, you go get that someone. Don't use me as a smokescreen! I have eyes and i can understand. I dont want to pretend like i dont know that. Arghh!!angry.

Maybe, for the time being, i really need to give myself some space. Go into the cave. Be alone. That would make me feel better.
#saya rasa sangat dikhianati.

Bullet Points

• Been hanging around the house again. Not in the mood to go out and about.

• It seems that im compensating for the lost "me" time. where i go home and not think about serious matters. Where i can just relax, watch tv or do anything i wish to do. I have many plans to do for my class. Just accomplished one today. I went out to the town and bought a speaker. Either im an egoist, couldn't bring myself to talk to my ex-bestmate who happened to be the one holding the lab's key or i want convenient. i want convenient. it will make things easy for me. and because, i dont have his number.see, my excuses? all for my convenient.

• Currently finishing up a book i bought last weekend.

• searching on the net for my research on communicative english

• Updating my FRP, diligently. 
• Next week, gonna start marking my students' assessment. 

• Going home for CNY. My baby brother dont want to talk to me because he said i have new baby. alaa, so sweet. :)
• finally talked to my ex-bestmate current girlfriend. it was easy. Time to forget him.
• for the first time in two years, i went and played volleyball. my arms, and neck  ached from the twisting and turning and hitting, but it felt wonderful.
• Im so in love with mature people, and found out that currently i am attracted to two persons. Can i have both? :)
• i'm happy and didn't realise it..:)
• Alhamdulillah

weight-losing programme

It seems that i get better at cooking. some of it are pretty much instant but i insist on cooking some of it. Last time, i had paratha filled with minced beef cooked in curry flavour. Today, i had paratha filled with chicken. There, it's the new way of forgetting  about eating rice. My weight has stabilised again to 55 kg. Previously, it has reached 57 kg. Though, just 2kg difference, but we are talking about progress here. Yes! Something is working right. a year ago, my weight is 50kg. So, tell me..who wouldn't panic to see that it has increased to 7kg?

i was laughing hard looking at the picture above.  Yes, the only thing i must drag myself to do now is exercise. No diet control would ever be successful without physical activity. i believe that's the answer. But right now i'm kinda lazy to do all the physical activity. one or two, then i get bored. Oh please, i want to get my old weight. i want to fit nicely into my clothes, some of them are out of question now..hahahaha

I have cut down on caffeine. instead of 3 cups in a day, the number has gone down to one cup during breakfast. At the moment, i didn't buy bread. Eating rice in a day has gone down to once a day. i try changing coffee to tea. I eat less sugary food, cakes, junk food (which i never really actually buy) Nasi lemak is also out from the list, KFC (in moderation), pastry has gone down to once a week. Everything must change. i have to get my old diet pattern.

Yes, i can do it!

Of the people i love

i appreciate quiet time. doing my own things. staying indoor.

i am cleaning a room for my brother, now that he is very near. putting off things i dont need and making it ready and accessible. Accessible being the operative word because i used to put loads of things there, my scarves, my PES 1 is there. the room is practically full of things. So, maybe, i'll be needing boxes to put away all those things. i need a new standing fan because the overhead fan can't be use anymore. i used to sleep in that room whenever i find it hard to sleep in the master bedroom. Sometimes, i get paranoia with the master bedrooom when i couldn't sleep and started to feel like getting hysterical in the room. So funny to think back now, but that was when i am still so much in heartbroken state. Maybe mum was right when she said that the room feels better because i pray there. Now that i'm ok, i sleep like a baby. I don't care anymore for what happened in the past.

when my other brother was here, he helped me to fix my bathroom door, which happened to be almost unhinged. i came back from work one afternoon and it was all in order. So grateful for the people who love me. He helped me fix the cord for drying clothes at the balcony and helped me removed all the stuffs left by the person before me. It was three years ago, and it was just being removed in 2012. so much of helping i need. and glad that they are here to help. i feel happier thinking that i wont be all alone this year, and at least i have someone to turn to. This year is going to be a different turn.

Pak Abu did something so heartwarming this week. im on emergency leave on monday. So my students phoned me to say that the lecturer that was supposed to take over my class hadn't show up yet. I didn't know who to call, so i called him. He didn't pick up. after awhile he called and i started stumbling all over for words to explain. Later, he texted me asking whether i'm okay or not. I found that it was very nice of him to ask. But forgot to thank him. i am still so much a sucker for kindness. Thank u Pak Abu. A good friend you are.

Something i have to remind myself: have to stop hanging out with some people. Simply because i dont want to complicate things. it seems that one is down. i don't want to repeat what happened in the past. Let's make the boundary clear, "no complication is tolerable" ground is on. Sorry dear friend. i am somewhat a conventional lady. i don't want to be seen with some other people's fiancee/ boyfriend / etc.

i guess, at the moment i should be thanking all of the good people who, in ways, help me move along with life. i am always the kind of person who love the small things people do to me or for me, things that move me in a way only i can appreciate it.

Believe me it means so much.

Nice, Quiet and Loving it

Alhamdulillah. for so many small adjustments that are opening up spaces and rooms to breath.

Yesterday, there was a meeting with number three. So i went up there with the intention to fight stubborn with stubborn. I think it's about time to really be decisive about life. To think carefully about what i want instead of what other people want to be done. So i came cautiously, knowing what it was at stakes and tabled my own counter proposal. looks like i get what i want. But i was given the ultimatum, whether to stay with my (ex) current post and let go of my student's affair post, or stay with student's affair and lost the quality officer post. Gladly i chose the second option. i believe that, i am better off without quality. and because i started to love HEPP so to say. Furthermore, i understand that, there's a professional needs to find someone with strong ISO background. What i knew was laymen's way of doing things and might not be fit with the standard requirement. People who have the experience would do it according to the standard procedure. So, yes. There's every need to find someone who is in line with that. I am happy with what i have, and found that i have many spaces in my head for other things. my boss at student's affair said, that he was glad i didn't choose the first option. He said, when i came out from number three's office smiling, he thought i've already accepted the first option. But i didn't. Thank you for the silent support boss, really appreciated it.

 For example, i've finished with my questions of which i found it so hard to do before.

So, for this year. i aimed to do these things, In shaa Allah:

a) Article Review

b) Research

c) Join in Jabatan's activity-i have one in mind actually-co-penyelia projek, some other projects that might come up.

i feel that happier older time is coming back to me. Though at the moment, i am still dazed by my own happiness.

Alhamdulillah, thank you Ya Rabb for removing some of my burden of responsibility. Alhamdulillah.

The thing i have to do

i give up doing this essay question. i don't know what it means by 6 items, 25 marks. But the division is either you have 3 questions with 25 marks / 2 questions with 25 marks. so item is referring to what? One item 25 marks, meaning 1 set or 1 set of 25 marks, 6 questions in it???Huh.desperation and depression.

Just hope that it would be done by the time im leaving tomorrow or i have to bring all of my gadgets with me.

Working on it diligently since wednesday, and so far managed to create 2 questions only.

Seeking for my normal self. alone.

Raining cats and dogs.

I feel relieved that the Surveillance Audit is done. Though the result is pretty much similar with the last, but at least some of the process we managed to clean up. For example P&P. I am a person with low expectation o things, but i guess i didnt do it whole heartedly. i did what i can. and alone. Given the fact that i didn't really have the help i needed, then one NC and 5 OFI is good for me. Alhamdulillah. definitely a point to be thankful for. To quote the auditor: it has improved.

My brother got accepted for Kolej Kesihatan Awam, meaning that he would undergo a training for two years, and in sha Allah be working by 2015. Alhamdulillah, another point to be thankful.  At least, we are not the rich kids who live on mummy and daddy's wealth. Anymore. Some of our cousins and relatives always refer to us as that. It doesn't matter. They just don't need to know our story. It's for us to know. At least, mummy and daddy are happy that they wont have to worry about our future anymore. Alhamdulillah.

A bunch of friends asked me to go out and eat in the evening. I  didn't go. i just dont feel like going out and laugh out loud with people who might not understand my feeling, and continue  as if it doesn't matter. After all the mental exhaustion, i dont feel like discussing anything. i don't like listening to people commenting on this and that, being here and there while they actually just want to show me how much they dont know. it is no fun feeling irritated.i m just not in the mood to entertain ignorance of fact.. i don't know. maybe i'm bored of the fact that people like to spice things up according to their preferences.  i just need to be alone. Some time alone to be normal again.

i'm tired. of people.at the moment.

No. There's no life after you.

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time
Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you

But, to still  be with you and throw responsibility out? No i can't. and yes, i don't regret it.

Throwing my pen across the room

Anyway, the word for today is delaying gratification- a financial related term referring to how you put off from making any financial decision until it is economically profitable for you. In a laymen's term, you postponed something in order to get more satisfaction.  Nice term . i was amused to think that these people are going to have lots of problem learning financial management from a lite grad like me. i  am too much of a thinker to see it from a more practical side.. hahaha. I mean, who cares? it is after all a term. Dont start giving lengthy definition on it AJ. Funny!

Soft skills is a very interesting subject. though at the moment, because of my other commitment, i couldnt really give input to it. But i coped well. Presentation and group discussion? that, i would say is my forte. commenting and getting involved in the ideas presented by my students. Give them the opportunity to enjoy it. Discussing ideas and watching, as their creativeness come to life. Such an interesting ventures

it started off quite innocent for my Communicative Class. Suddenly when one group presented about marrying in an early age, there it changed into a heated discussion. At the end of the discussion, they even requested for a debate in class. I quite love the experiment. One of my students saying the phrase "you cant", or  "it shouldn't" too many time. Maybe that's they way it was drilled into her head. She seemed to dislike the phrase "open minded". So i said, that being open minded is not negative. it doesn't mean that you dont care about anything. It only mean that you understand more. And there's one student who keeps on insisting that everything is fated. One cant run away from it. most of the students believe that you are the one who choose for everything. i  quite like the discussion, in short. very refreshing.

Too many sharks in  "attack" mood today. This i would termed as: people who looked like they have good intention, but are actually trying to pull your legs in a very sneaky way. Busuk hati.  Im not surprised though. i'm amused. so predictable. I do have lots of anger but i knew that it's not worth an ounce. So instead, i pray that one of these days they get to walk in my shoes and experience the fun. Im not a punching bag, and i would never be one for anybody anymore.

i want so much to ask Pak Abu for breakfast today, but i didnt have the courage to even ask. So i didn't.

I pray that everything turns out well for the Surveillance Audit next week. Insya Allah.

Danger

I know that what  im doing is dangerous to my peace of mind. But still im doing it again. i shouldn't. Too much to ask.

It's just Monday but..

Too many things to do. Although this is nothing new to me, but it is harder when it is involving other people.

I have three class today. one in 7.30 and then in 11.30, and another one in the afternoon. Thankful that classes were filled with activities. So i can afford to have a little quiet time while waiting for them to finish up with discussion, as well as watching them do presentation. i really hope that what i did was enjoyable to them. i was impatience most of the time. thinking about letters to send, letters to write out. documents to check, and ensuring that everything turns out just as it was supposed to be. i have to admit that i'm not a wonder woman. couldn't possibly do everything all at once. So tomorrow, i'm going to spend some of my time actually doing other things that i havent got the time doing today. The nerve wrecked i am. learn to breath out and breath in AJ. Be careful. it's better if it is done properly the first time, then have to do one things repeatedly.

I planned to go jogging today. Instead i went out with my friend. Eating! and i am getting  Fat! Terribly Stressful. I have always been this slim and thin girl. so, when i  realised that im getting bigger..Oh Dear! the Stress. My new strategy is including eating lots of fruits and water. less on the sugar. Just when i am getting comfortable a friend asked me for a night out, eat again. and there goes the diet. down the drain. The trouble is my body seemed to retain all the water from the fruit. My diet must be too much salt. I have to cut on eating out. Have to cut on crackers. i have to cut on rice. But mostly, i should try exercising! My brother said that, it must have come from the physical works i used to do and stop. so therefore, it is the muscle thickening. speaking from a point of view as an athlete. But he is a rugger. Rugby player are usually tough and big right. I dont want to be tough and big. And he said, quite sympathetically: sis, you're not fat. you are just fine. And i still dont believe him.

Pending: i have notes to prepare for my Finance class, and 6 essay questions to submit to my superior. and a SIRIM surveillance Audit on Monday.

My life couldn't get any better.

Anna and The King

So a friend of mine, who is amazed that i'm still single to this day suddenly said: so Ana, where's The King?
and i said "on the way?". Funny but that has become FAQ nowadays. i couldn't be bother. i have already run out of answer. :)

By the way, watched Maria Eleena's reception on TV. Thinking that, after Lisa Surihani, i would say that this was the second time that i am really excited about planning a wedding. the tradition, the dressing up, the ornament, the event. Everything is so beautiful. I think it is an interesting business venture, but then i have to have the skills. Planning a wedding is a creative venture- one that cant be too technical. it is the affair of the heart, which is why it is very appealing.  Just because i love wedding, doesn't mean that i can open up a business right?After all business is all about the strategy.

For me, I am thinking of having a simple wedding.Or maybe a quiet affair, but with all the traditions? yes, yes. i want a wedding like that.

So, the next bucket list should be effective from now on: finding the king...or is it identifying? Hahaha, this is not building on exam question. This is life, my dear..

 Insya Allah :)

Mad World

Madness. The first few days of the new year are plain madness. Many things to get my hands on. Madness as a result of uncertainties, unsure and  too many loose ends need to be tightened. Though, everything seemed to be well under control, but there's a moment in the early morning hour, when the alarm ticked off, that i dont want to go out and face the world at all. such tiredness that it made me impatient, and moody. How do i fare as of today? well, my mantra is when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

I'm not at all in good mood. At least, when i tried to be understanding of other people plight and woe, i would expect them to at least be there for me when i need them. This job is not easy, being the head. I just have to take care of everything. It hurts really when people take their responsibility for granted. i  really am angry today. Instead of being there to help, they just disappear and leave me alone to handle their fair share of the responsibility. I mean, come on people! i do have classes and other things to do. if you dont want the bigger part, at least do yours. Im so stressful. i hate to spend time with my friends when im stressful. i will be the most annoying person. Perhaps, i have to learn to say NO. Yes, i have to learn that word.

As much as i want everything to work out just fine, and despite my positive outlook, this is one of the many points in my life when i think that everything is IMPOSSIBLE to do or to happen.