Soft spot

i miss home. like everyday. How nice it would be to come in the evening and spend the remaining day with family? There's no better feeling in the world.

i saw this little boy crying to his mummy this afternoon when i go out for lunch with my friend.
I Spontaneously said to her: when im going to have a cute little darling like that? would he be that adorable? and my friend said: yah, i could imagine your son would be very cute like his mummy. senyum je mata tertutup. But, my sons would be cuter than yours.
(hahahaha) so funny, the things we said to one  another.
And then i answered in respond: hey, tengok bapa lah. (just Joking)
which she answered back: i know , bapa would be with big round eyes. and several other characteristics mentioned that i don't want to state here.(hahaha)

well, "mummy" has to find "bapa" first to get all those lovely bundle of joys. (I'm blushing for God's sake!)

some funny moments we had!(*____*)

i write everyday

i went out for a long drive today. planning to go wash my car and ended up fishing with some friends. I love the drive out, and i love the fishing part as well. Though, i have never really tried fishing with all the fishing gears before this. fishing will not be one of the things that i would consider as a free time activity. it's a little boring for me, and it made me think too much. too quiet.

i dont feel very well these few days. i have flu and cough. So i eat all the prescribed drugs before i went to sleep.  Next week is among the super busy week for this semester and i need to be in the pink of health to get going. I hate the feeling of being drugged to sleep. When i woke up, my head was heavy and my pillow was wet from sweating. and i dreamed weird dream too.

When i woke up, i felt bewildered and disturbed. It was a very unusual dream. i dont know what to make of it. what was it, a psychological state? a sign of something? a warning? or just a drugged mind playing trick? No answer. But whatever it was, i pray that Allah protects us from the bad things and the unwanted. If it was a good sign, then May Allah bless us and made easy our endeavour towards the end. If it's a warning, May Allah leads us to safety and give us the courage and strength to endure and overcome it. InsyaAllah. Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakil.

the drive out,  the fishing and being with my friends did clear my head a bit. Insya Allah,  i'm fine. I pray that Allah protects him wherever he is, whatever he is doing and whenever it is. By the way, this is the second time i really feel for him, this certain someone in my dream.

Takkanlah i dah start suka dia pula?

Sisa-sisa

Ku ulangi pertemuan
Walau hanya mendakap sisa cinta
Bersama rindu yang terdampar
Saat ini aku sendiri menangisi
Pemergianmu kekasih
Dan cuba memujuk rindu
Yang pedih tercalar
Di sudut ingatanku

Ku masih sendiri.

You catched the bugs, already dear!

Flu and documents do not go well together. Funny, but everytime i concentrate on  my documents, i started to get down with flu. With teary eyes and runny nose, it is very disturbing. i hope that my head wont get heavy anytime soon. i can only hope.:o)

anyway, what need to be done must be done. there's no question about that.

Question:

 what is happening when a person's name started to get into conversations with your friends more often than it is used to be?

Answer:

You are thinking about that person . Too Much.

But some people are more interesting than others. So, maybe, sorta, perhaps, kind of..catched your attention.

Long and satisfying journey

Who would've thought that i would be able to drive from Mukah -Miri  and back without so much of incident? it's a long journey but im satisfied. Though, some people would prefer that they drove, but hey, if i listened to you, when will i learn to do all by myself?lovely experience. I love it. Enough said. i would like to have another experience driving my car some other days. to some other places. No turning back!

Some of the things i noticed;

1) When other people are driving your car, they dont care what happen to the car. Semua langgar. That's troubled me a lot. Although, i drive to the speed limit, but i always think about my car deeply. i feel terrible if something bad happens to her while other people maneuver her.  I mean, if it broke down or "injured", i would prefer if i caused it rather than other people who dont give a damned about it. i learned a hard lesson with my Finepix Limited Edition Digital Camera. i was terribly heart broken when it was broken. while other people replaced it easily with a downgraded junk Sony Cyber Shot (not even close to that Limited Edition). So, yes. huh, sad.

2) One incident when we were on the way up a parking lot inside the mall, she was blaming my car when she couldn't go up, and the car was sliding down in a nerve-wrecking speed. The problem is , it's a manual transmission, and to go up one must use gear 1  instead of any other gear. That's why it cant go up any further. And she kept on saying "your car is the problem. im used to use a manual transmission's kancil, and i never had this problem. My dear, the hill you called hill here is just  a bump in my hometown. Not much of a challenge. Because, when i drove up the hill, i can go up using gear 5. Maybe, some parts of your story were true, but obviously you haven't experience the mountain side of Ranau.And no matter how long you have been driving, it is possible that you might not know certain things about driving. Stop blaming my car. 

3) i was driving carefully heading back to Mukah. so many lorries on the way, it was pretty dark with many corners. you would never expected what may come infront of you. And what's the point of rushing, when it was safer driving within the limit stated?She seemed upset. But i keep on driving steadily. ignoring her bored look. This is my car after all which i'm sure if something happened, i have to be responsible for the car and the passengers. and we arrived safe and sound within time. No problem right? 

4)  i didn't really like the suggestion of changing driver at all. it challenged me to prove that i can do it as well as other people do it. and i hated it so much when i sensed the sentiment that" ah, she can't do it. Must help her." i dont like orders. No, thank you. My mum is always like that: you can't do this, you can't do that, you dont try this, you dont try that. It really made you feel inferior, as if to say that other people are perfect, and you are just a second best thing. That is so much of a challenge in the first place. So much that it's eating me up. But that was well past proving time. i did it right?i purposefully let her drove my car in the city, because i am not familiar with the places. But that's the only leeway i am willing to give.

Whatever happened, it was a very satisfying journey for me. mentally and physically. At times like this, i realised that there are so many things that i don't like. And i have to stop listening to people. I have to believe in myself. I have to stop believing in everything that "should be". I have to start standing up and speaking my mind.

Worldly matters, darling..

On Tuesday, i went and see the big boss. To discuss about matters regarding to quality management. And after a few minutes, we started a conversation about works in general and people. i would say, i was quite shock with what i knew but i understand the point.

First of all, i told boss about some 44 girls in my unit and that i feel that it is highly inappropriate for me to give order or instruction to them because im a 41. And i also requested whether he could pick anyone of them to be the new ketua unit. Obviously i can't stay at my current position. And then, he mentioned about this one 44 girl, who had been going up about to ask him to find someone to fill in the position. I understand that, there is a professional need for that, and someone more capable is needed to handle all the committees under it. But i don't understand why someone outside of the management group should tell that to pengarah. I don't have bad feeling about being replace with someone else, as i said before there's a professional needs for that as well as someone that might be capable of shouldering the responsibility. Given the fact that Quality Management is now consist of Accreditation, JK Keselamatan dan ISO.. and soon to be added: 5S.

i cant quite say what is my feeling. I feel uncomfortable.

But i would like to think that, that is just the way things are. People is indeed very subjective. There's no telling what they can do.or what they desire. Im ready to step down and let others do their best. I've done mine.:o)

No hard feeling:o)

Home in no time.

So not like me to make plans for the future.

Mum asks whether i can be home for the Eid, because we are about to move to the new house. so we're going to have a housewarming kenduri.

My best friend asks me whether i can be home on December because she is getting married.

i want to be home. Insyaallah i will be home.

i really pray for a transfer. By now, im tired of having to go home and left again. i start to have the feeling of wanting to settle at one place only.permanently.

If only it's up to me.

In loving memory of Pak Abu

Somewhat my mind drifted back to Pak Abu. yes, it's been moons away now. Can't remember when was the last time i was really talking to him. and the fact that i religiously avoid him (translated as avoiding him wholeheartedly) was funny. come to think of it. But, i always have the feeling that he was always doing the same thing. avoiding me religiously. Maybe it's better for him. Ya, i would like to think so. Maybe he is/was afraid that im gonna like him more than i supposed to like him.

what triggered my thought  about him: a friend questioned me on why we drifted apart so very obviously, and none of us made any attempt to talk to each other?given the fact that we "were" close?well, i dont have the answer for that. i tried to give excuses for him, and at one point i grew tired and accepted that losing his friendship is something that is meant to be. So, this friend said: could it be that he likes you more than he supposed to like you???I dont know. i just don't know.

Could it be?! Probably not.

well, i feel relieved of burden today. i was able to make a clean break of this one guy that said he loves me, because his sister asked him to marry me. i handled it pretty calmly. It's better for everyone. Although some people might be disappointed by that, but better now than later when things got more serious. I can't stand feeling angry at myself for doing something i dont want to do in the first place. i guess this is what it meant, being cruel to be kind. He might be angry at me for rejecting the offer, but im sure he would be thankful later on.

This brings me back to Pak Abu and what my friend said about him. Could it be??! I dare not hope!

Whatever it is, i would be sad, if it's true and i failed to recognize "feeling" when it was there. i rather that he is happy-because i would be happy for him. with  me or with someone else.

i guess i do have feelings for him. I'll be okay, though:o)

Checking up resources

well, surprisingly many things are easier to do alone than with a company of people who dont have the heart to do it. and seriously, i feel down not because the sometimes overloaded works. i feel down because i lack people i can count on doing the job that calls for "teamwork". that is, for me, an almost non existence term. So i did what best. and it means, doing most of the things alone. and delegate some if there are people who are willing to help. Again, this is not my superiority talking. this is what i experienced. And what makes me sad: is that one person even dare to advice me to quit.Oh what are you talking about? when all these while i was busy trying to cover for you especially? doing your works, doing things that people pretended to not exist?As usual, it sounded like a challenge to me. i hate people who talk  much more than doing. but i guess, im more mature now, cause i smiled like a hypocrite.

And.

Everyone is busy but me.... yeah, yeah.

Smooth

Today is pretty smooth running.

My objectives for today are achieved.

i also managed to sort of walked away from unwanted person.because of my busyness.

i just feel tired. and my head is buzzing. But, im looking forward for my class tomorrow. I love the discussions so much. it sets the thinking wheel in my head. The same with works. They set my mind focuses on things. uncomplicated and simple.

I love it. though, i need a clean break from my current situation. Whether i'm ready or not, i have to be frank.

Or, i'll be forever tied down to the unwanted. yes, keeps it innocent, baby. Innocent.

HARGH!!!

Need more words?!

Lord, im not vain. I just don't like idiot!

Sesak!

ARGH!!!!

I'm not that desperate for a relationship, damned u! This madness has to stop. i realised that i like it when it was simple and uncomplicated. Now, i hate it. I feel like throwing up! So disgusting when u start imposing yourself upon someone.

well, i'm sorry that you feel differently. Im old enough to know that liking doesn't mean you have to love someone. And just because im nice and fun to be around, doesn't mean i like u.Im not going to apologize because i don't have the same strong feeling that might be short live for you.

what have i got myself into???!

all those people in my life who asked me to get married, you people..Get A Life.

Allergic Reaction

Oh wow!

* Feel like vomiting

*my whole body was shaking and cold

*my face was flushing

*and my mind said-Run!!!while you still can!

* feel like hiding from the sun.

It was really scary. I was frightened-beyond any description.and all because of the "I Love You" thingy..

i guess im not ready for that. or maybe it was too unbelievably short a time to have such a strong feeling. Perhaps, i don't know him that long. Perhaps, i dont have the same feeling. Perhaps i dont want to have anything to do with him at all. Perhaps, it's me still warming up my  heart.

After all he is too young for my older heart.

Lari setempat!Lari setempat! Lari setempat!

Batu besar ada duduk dalam hati.

Orang Muda yang membuatkan saya tersenyum dan ketawa.

Mulanya, berkawan dengan orang yang muda ini macam tak thrill. tapi sometimes sebab dia tak matang, dia jadi sweet pula. sangat terpujuk hati untuk dia..:o)

Seseorang itu memanggil semata-mata untuk kata "sorry, saya tertidur"- rasa lucu, tapi terusik juga hati yang keras macam batu bertan-tan ni.

Still, hati walaupun terusik, tapi masih ada rasa ragu dan tidak percaya yang sangat banyak. 

Apalah saya ini...

The Beauty of Reflection

Life is beautiful. Seeing the first batch and second batch of my students (those i taught English every semester during their period of study) is pure happiness and satisfaction. Seeing them graduated, thinking that you  are a part of the journey is humbling. a direct reflection of one self-esteem. Hoping and wishing that you had helped in some way, however small..

Realising with gratitude that i have not spent three years here doing and learning nothing. i've reached the all rounded level. I am able to do so much more than i ever imagined possible before this. Almost All. That's a very positive image of myself. I have always encouraged my students to be all rounded. I hope i'm a good model for that.

Ya Allah, I pray for guidance and courage to be able to do good and contribute to the betterment of ummah in general. I pray for the strength to execute my duty and responsibility everyday. I pray for the ability and wisdom to understand things  i may not understand.

that reflection opens up more options for me in terms of directions to go, or fields to explore. Realising that, there are so many other options available in life, i just have to pick one.

Belajar

Mantra untuk hari ini.

*Belajar membuka hati untuk orang lain

* Belajar memberi dan menerima

*Belajar.

Siapa tahu yang bisa terlahir daripada usaha ini?

Insya Allah, Semuanya dengan keizinan Allah jua....