Mum's birthday

Friday, 27th July.Mum's birthday.

My brothers and sisters threw a party for her.BBQ-ing and cake. At first they wanted to celebrate  it at our new home, but we are still living at the old house, so they decided to just carry on with the party at our house.

i planned to buy mum a mobile phone, later when i have the time to go and check the phone meant for her. a few days before the party my father and brother were having an argument. My father are always like that. Never have any regard to his words. He never care whether it would hurt others. That's too bad when the subject is as hot headed as he is resulting very bad argument. Alhamdullilah, they teamed up well for the party.This was not the first time such thing happened. but at least, try to have respect for Ramadhan. Very suffocating indeed. I dont know, maybe it in in the gene. His side of the family often have big and explosive arguments, which sometimes were very childish and terrible. They speak whatever they wanted without any ounce of care of the consequence. My mum would ended up saying that she wished me and my siblings wouldn't end up like them. My mum's side of the family never have  that kind of argument. Nobody disowned somebody, no one was ever chased out from home, no one was ever called brainless. Nobody was ever threatened with death.  Always calm, ready to settle things without too much of a hassle.Even if some problem happened, there were always people who helped to patch things up. My father, my father. i really hate him when something like this happened. Especially if he was troubling mum. That's completely unacceptable! i only pray that this ramadhan would at least change him, if not so much, at least a bit. Huh, but i guess that's too much to expect. He is the main reason why i never thought of bringing other people into the family (like in marriage). i dont even believe it to be a good thing to do. I mean, who would want to be in an upside down, broken and mad family? No one. i am writing this down not because i'm being ungrateful, but, sometimes i feel regretful that some things are just beyond repair.

Ya Allah. Aku membalikkan segala sesuatu itu kepada perkiraan Mu ya Allah. Boleh jadi hambamu ini menyukai sesuatu, sedangkan ia tidak baik mengikut perkiraan Mu, maka Engkau jualah yang Maha Mengetahui. Boleh jadi hambaMu ini tidak menyukai akan sesuatu itu, sedangkan ia baik mengikut perkiraan Mu ya Allah, Engkaulah yang Maha Tahu.

Semoga Ramadhan ini membawa seribu hikmah kebaikan dan keinsafan. Amin.

The power of sweet smile

DING!DING!DING!

i feel so drained of energy. Yet works are mountain-high.

report here, report there.FRP untouched on my table. MC text lying somewhere.

-But a little eased off by someone at the stair with songkok, fusion of white and fuchsia shirt, black slack and a sweet smile, waiting . Enough to bring me back to life.

Oh my mind!

Second day of Ramadhan, Alhamdulillah. One of my friends remarked about what a blessing it is to be home on the first day of Ramadhan. im inclined to mention that this year is the eleventh time i'm fasting my first day of ramadhan away from home. Although, i would love to be around loved ones at time like this, im used to it by now. With all the technology, skype and all.Not bad.

Sometimes, i want to get involved in practically everything. there's a time that i would be impatient. Impatient for things to start, impatient for thing to end, impatient to know so many things, which is the cause of troubles. But i learn to keep a reasonable pace these lately. 

i'm dreaming nonstop about works. keeps on dreaming about everything. My sleep is restless. i have to get all of them done. starting tomorrow, things are picking up in volume. i am afraid to take the first step. i am afraid of failure. keep thinking that, if i think and imagine about it constantly, it would turn out the way i want it to be. or better. But, it's a recipe for disaster really-if something goes the wrong way.i would be crushed. But still, i would try to go by the book. I mean, if you do things the right way, the chance of failure would be minimum if not zero. So, im looking for my best shot. 

I'm a little bit out of the element, again for some things, but i know i'll manage. Insya Allah

Many Happy Things

45 things to be HAPPY about:

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake … (or vanilla … or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20-pound note in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Eye contact with a hot member of the opposite sex.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful/good looking.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies (and eating them…!).
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone’s face as they open a much-desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you’ve done the right thing, no matter what other people think.


taken from: I post You Read-Amazing Quotes.


Mum remarked about  loving someone younger: is it possible at all for a girl so old to have a very young boyfriend? (in a tone that only a mum can do-i dont know whether it is a real question, or she doesn't like the idea).

Almost Here

Friday is almost here.  Having a headache. i was angry at so many people. 30 to be exact. First class, and already someone was crossing the line. I just hate getting angry but i feel that i need to tell them what i don't like to be done or repeated in my class. but outside of the class, im as cool as a cucumber. My mind get so worked up after that-which drained my whole energy. Very bad strategy, indeed.

Moral class started off quite well. there's a history geek in the class. So he kept on asking questions, just the way i liked it. Though, i am also afraid that i might sound political at some point. But, history, politic, social and moral are very related . can't just see one without the other.

i'm still finishing some of the scholarship work. to be honest, it is almost done. Except for the sesi kutipan on Monday.And the works that would come afterward. Still finishing loads of PNP related works. No sweat really.but focus, yes!

i have had so many tiring weeks than this week. so this one also, shall pass.

Insyaallah

Oh well,it goes without saying.

What a super busy monday it will be.

all of the unfinished businesses. i like the term "unfinished business".i like the finality.but i hate the baggages that are implied by the term. almost haunting.dreadful. Oh how i wish...Actually, i dont have any wish.im exaggerating. as usual.

Bad news. My phone has come to its final moment. my mum gave me the phone when i was doing practical in 2008. the fact that the phone is already an age beaten up one made me sad. it means new phone is in order. i love it dearly. it is a reminder of one very vulnerable moment in our life-mum, me and my siblings. it is a reminder of love and trust and 'being there for each other". No matter what, when it comes to things and people that mean so much to us, goodbye is always sad.

oh, the works. But i wouldn't enjoy what i'm doing without the busy-ness. Does that make me a workaholic? Well, it goes without saying.

one more before my closure: the not so fun thing of being with some one younger is-you can guess what they are up to, what's their next move and why.Oh yeah, i feel so ancient, yet i couldn't resist the charms.All the moves are so yesterday, dear. yet, i play along because it is fun.oh god, he must feel that i'm so vain.But how am i supposed to respond?

for the first time, without trying, i feel so damned perfect, and that's terribly insulting to him.i feel terrible.

So should i move forward, or just let it go?

Oh dear Me!

The boredoom of the day!

i cleaned the house-as thorough as i could

i watched movies: Sherlock Holmes ( going down to a few movies of similar title produced in the past), the pink panther 2 (this one was really funny) and Camp Rock (hardly a movie).

i rearranged my clothes-tonnes of them, which gave me some ideas to mix match some them, and all my scarves. Wow, when did i buy all those things? Vast!

And went and cut my hair short. I feel so free..of hair!hahahaha. Strangely, it made me happy and light.and younger?and giddy?and smiley?and in love?if could translate my laughter into words, everyone else would be laughing like me too.(^________^)

and seriously, i have this craving of mud-chocolate cake again.would it be a bad idea to do it myself?i am or was pretty good with baking cake, actually. i just didn't want to do it in my "well-equipped" kitchen.too much complication.

oh dear, oh dear, oh dear..must i smile at everything i see?

What is in the name?

He was singing a song with the nicest voice, and i felt it with my heart.

He was smiling when he met me, and i couldn't help but looked into his eyes, and felt extremely shy.Like a school girl.Lost for words.

He was saying my name, another strange name that only he and me understood how strange and yet familiar at the same time.

I was not doing anything, second guessing, doubting and over thinking most of the time.

i was drown by his mere present and by each and every coincidence. By meeting.

I  wished i could turn back the time, and be all that he ever expected and ever wanted in a girl.

i  wished i was not as old as times, and as new as him so that i could still be someone he'd met in the street.

yet, i couldn't help but masked my fondness, out of  i hope love for him, and respect.

i wish i could be anything but a nervous wreck and promise to BE for him.

He was talking to someone as he eyed me suspiciously, and i couldn't help the stirring of jealousy.

Wishful thinking, wishful thinking, wishful thinking.

Can you explain why i feel like smiling around you?

I found someone!

This is just crazy. but i started to like someone again. A liking that i don't want to conceal. i didn't even try to. It makes me lighter and happier. Happy because he makes me laugh so hard, and he makes me want to be in a kind of relationship. Makes me feel young again.What the heck!But, i am also careful not to get into it so much. Cautious to not be too needy and desperate and suffocating.

Maybe the close proximity did it. But i don't care. i'm "in" willingly.

The best thing of all: it leads me to think that it's time i let go completely of the past. To forgive what was done, and to give myself a chance, to open up to someone new. To give a rest to people who might think that i depend too much on them for emotional support. With him, i think i can forgive anyone. i really do.
i believe i can do it. i pray that Allah made this easier for me. Insyaallah.

though, i couldn't really trust my everchanging feeling, but one must try, right?and it doesnt help that he is 6 years younger than me.

Oh, the feeling.Are you the answer to my prayer?

of Belief

This is a mind blowing interview of Brian May,(Phd.) the guitarist of Queen. A man of science, who has a very interesting opinion and elaboration of life. Although,  some people might find this controversial, but for a literature grad like me, i cherished his point of view. He is a free thinker, and doesn't subscribed to any organized religion. But that is beside the point. In my opinion, we have to view this according to our own understanding based on our respective religious values and understanding. Thinking back of how our generation remained stagnant intelligent-wise after the period of great educational and civilization discovery is because we refused to listen to other people's point of view which might reinforce our own faith. we closed our mind in fear that we would be influenced by what we hear and see. But the way of educating and strengthening our belief and wisdom is by being able to understand and differentiate what we hear and see.
When i heard him talking about the universe and how things are going about for him, i understand what he meant. It is almost Islamic! (depends on how well your background information is about your religion).
Some things are not meant to just be looked at superficially. some things are philosophical in nature. This one give me a new meaning to my own understanding of myself and my belief.

i enjoyed the thoughts and the discussion in this vid. I love the essence of the discussion. When he talked about the loneliness and emptiness he felt after every scientific and psychological discovery, I pray that Allah guides  him to His Path, as only He has the Supreme power to do. " Kun fayakun".

i was so very moved with this one. May Allah guides us all to His right path. May Allah protect us from ignorance. May Allah lights our entire path with His blessing and mercy. Insyaallah biiznillah.

Happiness in a nutshell

i don't normally posed for picture.im too shy for that. But, i found out that these lately, i just love  being expressive  in whatever i do. I love this pic so much. Too bad, it cant be put up as my profile pic in social domain. Taken while waiting for the late caterer-who-made-the participants-in a volunteer program-i joined-waited -for hours-without-feeling-guilty-or-apologizing-came running..Huh, there's no excuse for insensitivity. Especially when you have no regards for OKU people. Just because they are blind, it doesn't mean that they have to put up with your couldn't-care-less attitude.

A group of my lecturer friends who joined the program A-Team& Jawatankuasa Perwakilan Pelajar Community Service in Kapit. We shared the jokes and the hardworks. Happy.

Aahh, this was the famous Mr. Romli and Ms. Rogayah. This one made me laughed harder. By the way, i'm 6 years older..Too bad hah?huhu

My first try of kayaking. i would say-very bad.hahahaha.I  am the lead, and my partner is one of the total blind participant. It was hard because we certainly speak different language than the one they'r used to.  In a way, it really humbled a person. You learned to appreciate what you have. How thankful to be able to see. How wonderful. They are so happy and accepting, it made you feel guilty of what you have.


Many things were learned and understood. I told Romli that, there is a point in a person's life where she is able to do anything she put her mind  into. And i'm at the stage where, i can do many things that would, previously, be impossible for me to do. But Life is now here. Life is meant to be experience!

Ya Rabbi, Alhamdulillah for the chance to witness and be part of this wonderful experience surrounded by happy and positive people. O Allah, who made easy all endeavours.