My point of view

I know i just committed a crime with my own "be economical with words" rule. But the time calls for much exaggeration.

These few days, a lot of things happened that really opened up my mind about everything. I understand the phrase that everything happens for a reason now. I understand the feeling of completely letting go. Infact i have been able to let go many of the things from my head and heart. I understand, that in life, no one is perfect. Some just pretend to be. i understand that in life, there's always a way to do something. Always one way or another. And life is not all the sadness or happiness.It's a mixture of both. You have to learn to accept them. :D

The most important thing is, if you want something, you have to go for it. If you prefer something, you have to state it so that other people know. If you don't like something, say it and change it. Be careful not to hurt others though, but make sure they know where you stand. you have to learn to respect people, socialize a bit, what is good manner and what is the good things that people do for you.

And wrong is wrong no matter what is the excuse. In my moral class, i learned that one can not say that morality is relative. because moral teaches us that what's right is right, and wrong is wrong. There's no compromise for that. But, what we can do, is do not be harsh in punishing. We must have some consideration but not to "right" what is "wrong".

So, my point is: all these while i was only thinking about my mistakes and errors and had been very harsh on myself since then. I turned on the victim mode, shy away from my own happiness, and suffer alone because i thought everyone was so damned perfect and carefree with their morality. Always thinking about what's the right thing to do. Always trying to be better. Now, that's a real tough challenge. In the actuality, im just being miserable on myself. i was trying to kill myself, maybe..

My new self is this confident girl, who believe in herself, who experienced the darkest hour of life and been brought back to life with God's Mercy, and is thankful that life is much better in every sense of the word. That im no longer tied to hurtful memories and people. I am myself, i know what is my capability and my duty as well as my responsibility. i definitely dont need any snobbish so called perfect people to act as if i am lower in standard than them.

I believe in proving to myself my point, and i dont really give a damned about anyone's else point of view. Because to them, i would be wrong, but for me i did the best for myself.
i'm not very expressive with words. AS proven in my rambling. But im going to prove it by living it. :D

I thanked people who had made my journey a very interesting source for a book. I thanked God for granting me the wisdom to understand.

Alhamdulillah.:D

You

You are everything i ever need.

Driven

Ambitious

Nice

Kind

Mature

Responsible

In control

But the shadow of my past won't let me come closer to you.

crushed.

i want to need you

I dont want to be awkward

i dont want to greet your smile with a silence.

i dont want to waste your warmth by being cold.

i dont want you to see the depth of my feeling.

i dont want you to read my mind.

i dont want you to be gone the entire day.

i dont want to miss you so terribly.

i dont want you to stand closer.

i dont want your kindness.

i dont want your attention.

You know why?

Because i need you.

#huh, apalah erti lines ini? Saya tak memahaminya..sama seperti perasaan saya waktu ini.

Sekian...

Reading

i started reading again. No TV. Internet is slow. So, i resorted to the most traditional entertainment. besides, i need to start mending my broken English. too many grammatical mistakes that are embarrassing. i noticed an improvement when i read. The problem is, i dont have the luxury of time as well as good books to read. i have to force myself the other day to pick books in the library. mostly outdated and or i have read them before. Not much choices. i haven't bought any book recently. i didnt buy magazine anymore. Too flashy, too glossy and too much for my poor self esteem. speak of finding excuses.:) Besides, i can easily google up the info from the net. Why bother increasing the expenditure if you can get the info way cheaper and easy?

started cycling again. i need the stamina or the distraction. i feel healthier. it was such a satisfaction to feel the sweat running down my body. it was good.

started singing with my friends. shouting to the highest possible notes. Very good cure for all the stress in a week's works. gonna do it again sometimes.

Good thoughts

This week is busy. i juggled everything from classes to internal audit to documents to everything. i seem to be managing quite well. i am so inspired by my boss Mr. H at the beginning of the week for his ability to complete things. he is one of the people that inspired me a lot these lately. especially when it is related to works and how to do things. well, we should learned from people. and he is kind too. In a sense that he is willing to teach something that i dont know at all. For example: ABM. Thank u, boss.

You certainly got better with times. i found that im no longer this panicky girl who gets nervous about things. I learn that i am capable of executing many things and keep my sense of humour. i learn that not everything that seems perfect is perfect. So i learn a few things and polish my skills here and there: walla, i survived the the so called chaos-which comes to think of it-not chaos at all. This week everything goes well and accordingly. and surprisingly much better. Most of all, i didn't even come close to losing my temper. The best way is to admit that you are busy, and you gonna need a little assistance and times, and people are reasonably very helpful.

And to accept that. some of the things are always beyond control. So i live by every moment and appreciate the opportunity to learn and be here in the first place. Feels overwhelming gratitude that Allah had made easy my endeavour. Other little things that doesnt go well, It's the opportunity for improvement. No time to be sad and depressed about things you cant control. All is well. Insyaallah.

A few words of encouragement from acquiantance, friends as well as the frenemies (i would say they were words of encouragement because they made me a better person and helped to improve my performance in general) helped a lot in times of troubles and desperation. Everything is well in my stride.

Last but not least, Thank you Allah for all the good and close friends for never ending supports. May Allah bless u guys.

-will be out jamming with my friends, singing at the top of our lungs- :)

Bored

So boring. Nothing on but my lappy. My mum said life must be pretty boring without the TV. and yes. that's true. My TV can't be switched on since Tues. it is one week already. Imagined the boring-ness without it.

Gets so boring here. i dont know whether to apply for transfer or not. Like i am ever gonna get it. Although, there's no harm in trying once again, but..i don't know. let's some other people try it this time.

Today i spent my after-office time with other people's family. I feel happier.

But still, other people's family is not your own. So...

I don't mind at all

What is all the hues about the month being October? It doesn't mean anything to me. Be it any month.

Today is pretty smooth to say the least. i am able to live up to my expectation. i settled everything. i did everything i could, hoping that my effort today would make these busy few days bearable. In the hope that i would have enough resources of my own to fight the "bout" of busy-ness. I dont really give a thought about what's right or wrong for other people. i just do whatever that is called for the moment. Given the fact that some people can be very mean and selfish when it comes to their wants and needs. So what, you bring out your high and mighty attitude, thinking that you could get away with it? better think again. i still cringe with loath with some people's high and mighty attitude. Loath it so much!

Today, a friend in need is turning for assistance. I couldn't help but be ready handed about it. And i didnt care at all. i still has so much respect for this friend of mine. still has so much love for him. So much trust.The thing is, it only happened when this friend needs something. I bet this friend hardly remember me at all at any other times. i always reminds myself that i would be a good friend to those who prove they are worthy of friendship. He is one of the friends that believes in me when everyone else was so pretentious. At times of high troubles, he was there. So, although i was busy today, i helped. That's as much as i can do for him. I found it trivial sometimes, the things that he asked but i didnt mind at all. For him. The same thing i would do for all of my good friends.

Someone was apologizing today. for none doing. i found it was easy to let go. So i just let it go. there's no need to complicate my preoccupied mind. i need it fresh and focus. i knew someone is out to punch me in the face. Just like what he did last time, the traitor. knowing and understanding the game now, i would like to see how far he would go this time. Someone who already complained about unfair life, should get what he wanted. He is always on a flimsy pretext of being procedural and being blablabla this and that, and deep down inside i feel that he deliberately is trying to pull my legs. Pendengki memang macam tu. Oh, please dont call it being competitive. Not artsy at all, okay?

Feel a little bit dragged down. My uncle told me that i have to wait a little longer here. Oh.....

And at the end of the day, i cried helplessly. i dont know whether it was because i was too tired,or that i am relieved everything is well on track-like bottled up emotions. maybe a bit of both. But the feeling was good.

 i feel light.