Most 2010

well, its year end again.2010 is fruitful for me, despite a few setbacks. to think back, nothing that i cant handle.

Professionally, i have flourished beyond my expectation. I learned new things, of organization, of leadership, of communication, of PR and most of all of management and handling new responsibility. Responsibility are building up, and expectation are high, so i did what was best for my organization and what i think was the best at the time. So basically, 2010 opens up many rooms for improvement, which in one way or another strengthen my self belief, my confidence and my range of capability in what i do. it breeds new sense of purpose for the time to come, to compete with the challenge itself in the best possible way. 2010 is an opportunity to prove my theory on most things, and a great learning ground for the advancement of my career.

Personally, 2010 is bittersweet yet full of invaluable experiences. I learned many things about people in general. 2010 is a reflective journey on principles and human emotion in general. 2010 is a test of character for me. For the concepts that i had believed in the past, what i still held close to heart and what i have concluded or rejected after testing it with real life experience.I believe that each person has to choose what's the best for him/her, and it's not a matter that is negotiable by anyone but himself. therefore, my determination to improve in every sector of life is heightened, and whatever decision that i may take is solely on my shoulder. I learned that you can choose to be happy or sad, or be anything that you like as long as it is in tandem with your own belief and principles..There are many things to learn yet, but learning is never an overnight process. So, by doing it the best way we can is the best approach. May 2011 be a great year ahead...

Unexpected things.Many.i cant begin to list which one. Yet, the best is finding my M. a friend who came in time when i dont think i cant go on smiling and pretending to be happy.In time where i feel im down beyond reaching, he came in bringing hopes that, it was not all that bad. There's a world out there waiting to be discover. He offers a "friendly" support when i really needed someone to just understand without judging.A friend who shows me reason, when i think its impossible to think about anything in a logical manner. i am very much thankful for that. Thankful for a simple gesture of understanding. Thank you so much. you know how much i value your friendship. i love you for that.

I am surround by people who care and always willing to offer helping hands when i needed them. people who are always there and tolerate my emotional up and down, or my momentary madness.i am tremendously grateful for that. You all know, it wouldnt be an easy fight for me without you all.

People who provide professional insights and offer guidance when i least expect it. Thank you for making my year as fruitful as it is.

Regrets? i have a few.But too few to mention.

Sebal

Sebal...

Orang yang tak dengar nasihat dan tak terima pendapat orang ni memang menyebalkan.
Buat-buat pandai..kalau memang benda tu kamu langsung tak tahu, silalah terima tunjuk ajar dari orang.Jangan sombong tak ingat, kelak bukan menyusahkan diri saja.menyusahkan orang lain sama.Menonong ego walaupun tak tahu apa yang dia buat tu betul atau salah..

Apa salahnya sekadar untuk memastikan?berat sangatkah kerja tu?

Alih-alih sebab degil tak memasal, orang lain pula kena selesaikan untuk kamu..
BOSAN asyik disuruh buat kerja yang bukan dalam skop..saya bukan robot tau...

Huh, walaupun saya baik, tolonglah jangan berfikir dengan innocentnya bahawa saya akan senyum saja bila kamu menyusahkan saya..

Tolonglah penat + menyampah

Kepadamu Kekasih

Ya Allah,
Aku memohon kekuatan hati untuk menghadapi apa yang tidak ku ketahui,
Apa yang diluar kemampuanku untuk menghadapi
dan apa yang diluar ilmu pengetahuan ku ya Allah.

Aku takkan mampu menghadapi apa jua sendirian tanpa bimbingan dan petunjuk dari Mu ya Allah.
kerana itu, Ya Allah, janganlah kiranya Engkau hukum hambaMu ini sekiranya aku tersalah dan terlupa.
Janganlah Engkau bebankan kepadaku apa yang tak mampu untukku memikulnya ya Allah.
Janganla biarkan nasibku ditentukan oleh diriku ya Allah walaupun sekejap

Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim.
Peliharalah diriku dari kejahatan hati dan kelemahan akalku.
Peliharalah diriku dari kejahatan hati manusia, dan kejahatan pandangan mereka ya Allah.

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku belum cukup kuat untuk menerima ini.dan belum cukup kuat untuk menghadapi ini..
Maka pimpinlah pandangan mata akalku menuju jalan kebaikan ya Allah.
dan permudahkanlah urusanku didunia dan di akhirat.
Hanya kepadamu aku meminta ya Allah, seluruh pengharapanku kepada Mu jua.

Ya Rabb..amin

Ranting but not Raging

i have been wondering for quite some times now..

A friend was giving me the cold shoulder.

a)She stopped playing squash with me.

b)She stopped talking.

c) She cancelled her outing plan, because i tagged along with the group.

d)And didnt invite me for dinner at her house, when all of the friends were invited.

e)She didnt speak to me when she met me at xxxx dept, and ignored me when she went to our dept..but spoke to everyone else..

f)She also didnt reply my sms, and ignored my calls.

g)And she also spoke in an offensive manner when she followed another one of my friend when she sent me off to the bus terminal.

h)She also has this offensive facial expression whenever i was around..

Need i say more? i guess not.

Well, im not the patient sort who can tolerate nonsense. If there is anything you are not satisfied about, tell me directly. The last time i remembered her giving the cold shoulder was to a friend (who was said to have a relationship with a married guy).And i was told by this married guy's friend that she frequented her house every now and then...

where the hell was i wrong?!

saya jadi tak ada mood untuk mengerti.Analisa saya, sikap beliau ini sama seperti sikapnya terhadap kawan yang berstatus complicated tu.Jadi sekarang adakah saya..termasuk dalam golongan orang-orang yang berstatus complicated?
kalau benar apa yang telah saya buat untuk menyinggung beliau? Kalau hendak diikutkan, saya harus marah beliau kerana telah terlebih dahulu menyebarkan kepada orang lain tentang status saya yang sedang in a relationship, kerana itu bukan hal beliau...

Idiosyncracies? Whatever....Tolong pergi baca tentang keseimbangan emosi.

nampaknya saya kena pandai-pandai membawa diri. selagi dia begitu,begitulah saya..

Tapi mungkin juga ini hanyalah saya.Emosi mungkin boleh menipu, bagaimana pula apa yang terlihat pada pandangan mata? Bagaimana dengan logik akal?Menipu pulakah?

Kata orang tindakan kita harus reflektif dengan tindakan orang lain.
baik mereka, baiklah kita...Jika sebaliknya, maka pandai-pandailah membawa diri.

Saya tiada masa mahu berjauh hati. Im an individual, i dont belong to any group of society's clown.TQVM

Cik siti: cuba menghadapi ini dengan matang dan terbuka. No need to go about teaching them how to live their own lives...

a little bit of everyone

Not much to say...

My M joked about giving me St. Claus for Christmas...The slim one(referring to himself)..By all means, darling..By all means..:o)

And as i was clicking his name(which i left on the task bar for chat in FB)suddenly, he was there..What a coincidence. and we continue talking about our dreams of picking each other from work..he is pulling me closer to him in a very underhand way...which i like..:o)

i felt really thankful for my close friend today, for the favour he did for me..Really thankful for that without which i cant do what i supposedly do today.. Thank you again good friend..

Today. someone smsed me:please go to xxxxx dept to take the memo for meeting.Since when did i become the PAP. Just because i walked all over the institution, it doesnt mean that i am doing all the works that arent supposedly my works. later on the person smsed again: oh i forgot to put on my desk,anyhow, please inform those in your dept..Very convenient. If i have gone there..i would be full of bad feeling, and i would stressed myself like hell..

Today. i was a little angry over something/someone..but i wont take it personally..so be it. One thing though, just because i didnt say anything in a harsh manner, it didnt mean that im stupid. im no superwoman. im human made of flesh and blood.and if you poked me in my face, you just gonna have to deal with the consequences..So dont even poke on something you know nothing about..Simple calculation,isn't it? The point is, i dont have to believe in everything people say..After all, that's where the problem started in the first place.. Because some people are just paranoid, and they dragged everyone down with their pattern of thinking.. This time i wont listen..This is not the first time you misled me with your paranoid,girl. you think you are doing okay, and they still say you are a wreck!
Then again, not everyone knows about psychology..They just acted in the way they've been taught since forever..huhu

Still.Today was not all the bad vibes.. Everything is looking great for me.. Works are basically progressing and done..Who cares what they wanted to say, as long as you know the FACT yourself? So be it..

Timepiece

I have always wanted to buy a watch before this. The last time i remembered having one was during my short DPLI course-a birthday present given by my aunt. I had two actually. The other one was damage and died out because i had been wearing it since forever, and the one given by my aunt was lost during the time i was busy packing my things at the end of the course.

At that time, due to some strange emotional condition, i avoid wearing a watch because it made me nervous and made me panicky for no apparent reason. As a matter of fact, my strategy was the cure i needed. i overcame my nervousness in time.

But when i started teaching, i realise that i desperately need a watch, because it made me independent and authoritative in class. owning a watch means i can control my students, my pace and add on my styles..So much for a person who always tell her students to observe time..Huhu..My favourite phrase in class-Timing is everything...and i dont even have a watch..For God's sake..very amusing..

and now is the right time to buy one. True to the phrase "time is everything". I realise that i want to frame this moment in time. I want to reminisce the time forever.I want something that reminds me of a good time, or a good start for a friendship that lasts forever.

Timepiece is what i have in mind for you and me...

The case of sour grapes

Once upon a time there was a fox strolling through the woods.
He came upon a grape orchard. There he found a bunch of
beautiful grapes hanging from a high branch. "Boy those sure would be tasty," he thought to himself.
He backed up and took a running start, and jumped.
He did not get high enough.

He went back to his starting spot and tried again.
He almost got high enough this time, but not quite.

He tried and tried, again and again, but just couldn't get high
enough to grab the grapes.

Finally, he gave up.

As he walked away, he put his nose in the air and said:
"I am sure those grapes are sour."

Moral
IT IS EASY TO SCORN WHAT YOU CANNOT GET.


Maybe, at one point of times, im the fox, scornful of what i didnt actually get, thats why i was so bitter about the whole thing. i dont want to walk away from the grapes, scornful and bitter.

After all, this is the circle of life.. The fox was destined to walk the path where he would see the grapes. The grapes were in their rightful place and cant do anything but made the meeting inevitable. The grapes were not at fault for the attraction they presented to whomever that walked the path. the fox was not wrong for wanting something attractive..But, the thing is,they were not destined to each other. And the fox's reaction was not wrong either...

The most important thing was to understand that, everything happens naturally. It was not intended to harm, rather it is nature's thoughtful way of preparing us for journey ahead..

the sour grapes had actually calmed the storm for me..

.......

...To finally realise that the love is not for you.To understand that, in the first place it was just an illusion, just a look alike..

i cant begin to explain the chasm in my heart, the pain that started to numb the whole body and poison the eyes, as tears running down ,unstoppable. The empty feeling of finally realising that you are alone and cant turn to anyone even for a pat in the back, without being eyed with ridicules and cynicism.Maybe you never experience my feeling so far. Therefore, i sincerely hope you would. Then, try to look at me with the same look if you can..

i was inviting people into my life. Everytime, they get away with my heart torn apart.

...Ya Allah, ya Allah, Ya Allah..
In a poor condition, i ask for Your Mercy. How to overcome this,Lord the Almighty?

Cik Siti yang kelabu

Saya merasakan energi negatif yang ekstrem kebelakangan ni. Adakah ia cara saya memandang dunia yang negatif?
atau sememangnya ada aspek dalam kehidupan saya yang negatif?!Apa dia? atau siapa dia? Atau sekali lagi, ia dipengaruhi oleh hormon yang kurang stabil?
Puas saya bertanya diri, setelah beberapa hari ni bermood kelabu...apakah yang memetik energi negatif ni sehingga, hampir keseluruhan pandangan saya berunsurkan negatif?

Atau saya terlalu melayan perasaan, sehinggakan yang biasa-biasa sahaja semuanya kelihatan negatif?

Oh, tidak..jika saya berterusan begini, saya akan mengalami gangguan perasaan yang teruk.Lebih teruk dari apa yang pernah saya alami. Ini akan mengurangkan fokus dan merosakkan pencapaian saya sehari-harian.. Jadi jika sudah tahu begitu, kenapa perlu diturut rasa hati ya, Cik Siti?

kan kamu pernah mengalami yang lebih teruk lagi. bukankah kali ini kamu seharusnya sudah cukup matang menghadapi?
Cuma, seketika, saat minda terlupa, mungkin saya membiarkan warna kelabu itu meresap ke minda...

Jadi,cuba ya Cik siti..Kuat menghadapinya..Kamu pasti boleh.:o)

Ketawa Sinis

Eh kamu..

kamu fikir kamu hebat?

Lebih dari orang lain tu hebat?

Tergedik-gedik tu hebat?

Tanpa segan silu menempelak orang tu hebat?

sengaja memalukan orang lain tu hebat?

Apa kamu fikir berjaya mempengaruhi orang tu hebat?

Pura-pura baik tu hebat?

membuli tu hebat?

Konon bergayalah kamu?

konon menanglah kamu?

Lawak bodoh kamu tu hebat?

Pintarlah kamu sebab berjaya "highlight" salah orang?

Rasa muliakah kamu sebab kamu rasa kamu hebat?

Eh, please!!!!

kamu buat saya ketawa sinis dengan perilaku kamu tu..cepat pergi cari cermin, kemudian tengoklah wajah sendiri dalam cermin..

tahanlah diri kamu sedaya upaya dari memecahkan cermin itu, tupun jika cermin itu tak pecah dengan sendirinya..

*ketawa sinis.

Apa yang bukan milikmu

Dalam perjalanan hidup ini seringkali kita merasa kecewa. Kecewa sekali. Sesuatu yang luput dari genggaman, keinginan yang tidak tercapai dan kenyataan yang tidak sesuai dengan harapan.

Dan sungguh sangat beruntung andai dalam saat-saat tergoncangnya jiwa, masih ada setitik cahaya dalam kalbu untuk merenungi kebenaran. Masih ada kekuatan untuk melangkahkan kaki menuju majlis-majlis ilmu dan majlis-majlis zikir yang akan memberikan ketenteraman jiwa.

Hidup ini ibarat belantara. Tempat kita mengejar pelbagai keinginan dan impian. Dan memang manusia diciptakan mempunyai kehendak serta mempunyai keinginan. Tetapi bukan semua yang kita inginkan dapat dicapai. Sesungguhnya tidak mudah menyedari bahawa apa yang bukan menjadi hak kita tak perlu kita tangisi. Banyak orang yang tidak sedar bahawa hidup ini tidak punya satu hukum: harus berjaya, harus bahagia atau harus-harus yang lain.

Betapa banyak orang yang berjaya tetapi lupa bahawa hakikatnya semua itu pemberian Allah sehingga membuatnya sombong dan bertindak sewenang-wenangnya. Begitu juga kegagalan sering tidak dihadapi dengan betul. Padahal dimensi tauhid dari kegagalan adalah tidak tercapainya apa yang memang bukan hak kita. Padahal hakikat kegagalan adalah tidak terengkuhnya apa yang memang bukan hak kita.

Apa yang memang menjadi milik kita di dunia, samada rezeki, jawatan atau kedudukan, pasti Allah akan berikan. Tetapi apa yang memang bukan milik kita, kita tidak akan mampu miliki; walaupun ia nyaris menghampiri kita atau meskipun kita bermati-matian berusaha mendapatkannya.

"Tiada suatu bencana pun yang menimpa di bumi dan (tidak pula) pada dirimu sendiri melainkan telah tertulis dalam kitab (Luh Mahfuzh) sebelum Kami menciptakannya. Sesungguhnya yang demikian itu adalah mudah bagi Allah. (Kami jelaskan yang demikian itu) supaya kamu jangan berdukacita terhadap apa yang luput dari kamu, dan supaya kamu jangan terlalu gembira terhadap apa yang diberikan-Nya kepadamu. Dan Allah tidak menyukai setiap orang yang sombong lagi membanggakan diri.." (Surah Al-Hadid: 22-23)

Maka sudahlah, jangan kau tangisi apa yang bukan milikmu!

- Artikel iluvislam.com

I can do Without you

i can!

i will!

i must!

had a long chat with my friends yesterday..the topic of discussion is non other than my so called bestmate. At this point of time, im tired of people singing praises about him. I know that he is a worthy person, kind bla bla bla..but in my situation, its hard to even believe that, For once, you all are not in my shoes, and didnt go through my experience with him,and didnt share what i had shared with him.So, it would be unfair for all of you to suggest what i should do when it comes to him.

i dont want to hurt anybody with insensitivity.I dont want to justify my actions as well. I dont want to rationalize anything. everytime i do all that, i keep on repeating the same pattern again. In the end, i am depressed, sad, useless, confused and hurt. I will hate everyone and it hinders my progress. So whats the point of trying?

My friend said:he was talking about you in a very regretful tone. what i think is, it was just a show because he knew, that my friend would definitely passed it on to me.

My other friend said: he was kind and gentlemanly.it would be easier for some people to confuse his motive. what i think is, yes he is all that. But there are some aspects of his personality that come across not quite ok,especially for those who knew him like i do.

My friend said again: But nobody's perfect. i agree. I'm not a perfectionist myself. I just dont like being taken for granted.

My friend said: babe, there is no harm in trying to patch up with him. After all, you dont know for how long you would be working with him.How long you would be around him..yaah, well. Count on me to be one heck of a poker face when it comes to dealing with my professional life. i'll do that.

oh,so complicated my life is. Penuh dengan kepura-puraan...

Although, today was progressive,i felt alone in the crowd. i have a headache, i feel miserable and had been sleeping all days just to numb myself from any feeling.

i realised that he has succeed in robbing me off my vitality...

Touched

the most beautiful thing a guy ever said today...

Q: how can you tell that you love a girl, and wants her to be your wife?

A: well, there is no definite answer. all i know is that if/whenever i feel happy or sad, she is the first person that comes to mind. That's when i know i love her.

im a bit of a sentimental,so i said to him...

"please dont tell anyone that you see me cry..." and then i was crying..:o)

and then he asked(funnily)...

"why are you crying?it wasnt meant to make you sad.."

silly him,i was not crying because im sad.i cried because i felt so very touched..

Simple is beautiful...and NOT complicated

i have a not so nice thought in my head.

i have been in the dump these few days, busy thinking about the unattainable or the unchangeable. And then it turned out that, the subject who blew my self confidence to hell is no better herself.

a)Pretty-yes.

b)Exciting-yes.

c)Easygoing-Yes.

d)clever-yes and no.

e)One heck of a show off-Yes.

f)a little bit of a know-all-Yes

g)Minta Puji(this is used to retain its original meaning)-Very Much YES.

h)Gedik-undeniably, undoubtedly and undisputedly YES

To be fair to this pretty who dont know whats good for her, i can see exactly what my friend means "trying to hard to impress"-for he said sometimes im "that", and up to some extend,it gets to people's nerves. Seeing her so full of herself, trying to impress someone with her flares, it tickles me. Oh my, girl.you just lost your game with me..

i feel better about myself. somewhat the game losts its appeal. Im not playing with her!Not interested. before this i thought, she would be a better/cool opponent. It seems to me that you have specialty for me to find out about. You are just a very predictable sort, and it would be a waste of my time to even think that you can surpass my standard in this game. the rule is to not lay all your cards on the deck, girl. But you did...so, Game Over!

My reflection: Always have faith in yourself and believe your own worth. Because if you are too busy to check on anyone else's merit, you forget that you are capable of many great things and you are one of god's beautiful creation...

Hmm, i love the sense of positivity...:o)