Ain't No Mountain High Enough

These past few days had not been good-lost my mood, lost my focus, and lost my self-confidence. I guess i listened too much to rubbish, and in the end started to take those rubbish as the truth.

I noticed that my ex bestmate is okay with this. And even i can sense that he has started implementing the No-CONTACT rules in totality. i admitted i am affected by that because i now know how little i meant to him. But rather than beating myself to death with sadness and negativity, i'll accept his challenge to move on farther away.

It's about time.


"I Love Smiling"


...Come to think about it, it is not him/ or his friendship that i'm afraid of losing, it's the IDEA of having someone close by/ and his attention that i am afraid of losing.

So the least i can do is be truthful to myself, and accepted that fact that in the first place, the defect is in my thinking.

last but not least, i was wrong, and impulsive, and in need of attention. I hope that, he can find it in his heart to forgive me for any hurtful feeling i might have inflicted.

I want a fresh start, learn to forgive and forget as i move along.

It's about time to let go..

Kesuma hati

Sejenak terlintas seakan jelas

Kerna masih ku terasa... kehadiran

Biarpun terkadang kenyataan

Adalah satu kemestian... perjalanan

Tak manis berdendam memusnah rasa

Kelak kan berkecai jua, segala rasa cinta

-berikan sedikit waktu untuk kukutip semua perasaan-

When abundance is too much

I hate being alone because my thought has the habit of wandering around, so much so that it makes me cry.

But i also hate the crowd because there are too much clutters, and i cant stand high volume.

i hate it when i have nothing to do because i would tune inside my head, and started digging things that should be left buried, and i would hate myself so much so that, again, it makes me cry.

i hate it when all i have is abundant of times at disposal because, when it's too much, it becomes suffocating.

i hate when i have many things to do, but cant bring myself to do it all. it makes me desperate and cry again.

i hate it when i cook, it tastes like hell. i couldn't enjoy it as much as i want to, it makes me cry.

i wish i could say that i am not affected by anything. i wish i can just be cold-blooded and put up a cold countenance. i wish i can just assume a couldn't care less attitude. i wish i could erase bad memories. i wish...

I'm only human, with human weaknesses. perhaps, the weakest of all. But I'm not cold-blooded.

Let that be enough- Switchfoot

May allah's blessing be with us always, and let that be enough..Amin

Noted

...Senyuman manis dibawa angin,
Kutunggu dikau terasa dingin...

Life is busy. I would have to retime my holiday. i would have to squeeze in my driving class. i would have to put everything in between.i would have to settle the Quality work before June. i would have to do lots of re-adjustment. Being the Q for MUET Speaking test. And in June another Enhancement Program as a fasilitator. To be real serious about it, i will not have times to spend on trivial matters.

Preferable.

Yet, i'm not in good mood today especially. Because, again i can sense a hypocrite. Only this time, it is pretty much closer.i dont want to start being mean to anybody. i'd rather not. But, these lately there are too many words that i dont think i would really like to hear..For example, if you fail in something, and you start telling me that the teacher think im the worst, or things such as you being close to this one person before i come into the picture. Or things such as i, on purpose, want everybody to think that me and another friend are having something going on....i am quite disturb by this pattern of behaviour.

The most ridiculous one: this dear friend is quite mad about something. And because i was just listening without any opinion, or without siding anybody, this dear friend started poking on issue which she knew would get my blood boiling. Thank god, i already realised the pattern. However, it ruined my entire peace of mind. Thank you very much for that.

I'm not sure whether, what she wants.I noticed that she will get real mad if i didnt join her session of complaining.And, therefore started to poke on anything that will surely get me excited with loathing..How to tell her that i dont like that?

What i need next: Focus, focus, focus. Insya-allah, will work out just fine.

Adrenalin Rush

There are some news that would always be new to you even if you claimed to know yourself since forever.

Well, I..I newly rediscover that i am the kind of person who loves height, fastness and basically all things that caused me to get the adrenalin rush.a very interesting rediscovery indeed.

I love height. I love heels, the higher the heel the more i love it, it's not so much the heel but the challenge of wearing and handling yourself when you wear one. Most girls would have shied away from it, but i crave the challenge.small though it may seems.

I love Fastness. Car, roller blade, whatever. i used to ride a bicycle in school, where we would rode the bicycle down the hill. At first, i got my ankle bleeding. The second time was paradise. i felt the rush of wind as i rode downhill, and again the feeling of actually being able to handle the pressure of not falling off from the dear thing.i used to roller blade at my friend's house. because my mum would sometimes be very overprotective, i never dared to tell her anything about it. Wow, the challenge to master it was enormous, something i would do over and over again. Just for the satisfaction-been there and done that!
Yesterday, i re-discover my love when suddenly my driving tutor commented that i was indeed driving too fast for an amateur..:O). This was not the first time actually. Before this, i did it when we were on the road, and i accelerated like hell. The guy didn't say anything at that time..Adrenalin rush, adrenalin rush, Adrenalin Rush..Everywhere.

Yet,last night when my good friend woke me up in the wee hour of the morning, because some people suffered from stomachache, and she is also pregnant, and we rushed over to her aid, i didnt know what to say. i never handled pregnant girl before, and i didn't know what to expect. But everything went smoothly and quite uneventfully. but it did get my mind racing, and sleep only come in about 3 in the morning.

What my friend told me earlier when i was driving like a lunatic: i see you are confident and brave. It makes driving easy for you. Look at those younger people. They are also driving with confidence and braveness, maybe because they don't have any thought about responsibility yet. or they still think that life is easy. That's why they seldom take everything seriously.

And yes, come to think about it: sometimes, we never think about responsibility, that's why we do everything that we can without thinking about the consequence or the repercussion.
Even if we have to pay an expensive price for it..Like pregnancy.

kurang kurus???

Lebih gemuk dari biasa..

adik perempuan saya kata pipi saya bulat..

kawan baik saya kata saya "kurang kurus"

jadi, gemuk lah kan?... warghhhhhhh!!!Seram amat.

Takut gemuk.huhu.

Tiada sebab yang jelas, tapi memang takut tahap gaban..

Setakat ni sudah ponteng 2 program.

a)program pengurusan jenazah

b) Fire Drill

Jadi adakah kepontengan saya ini menunjukkan tahap ketidak profesionalan yg rendah?...soalan yang boleh dijawab sendiri oleh tuan punya diri:O)

saya turut ponteng kelas memandu.

Jadi, persoalannya, apakah kaitan antara gemuk dan ponteng?

Hanya boleh dikaitkan oleh yang empunya soalan.:o)

once bitten, twice shy

Ignorance is bliss! how true.

disappointment seems to be piling up these lately. But, it all happened for the betterment of life. To learn, un-learn, and re-learn something new.

By now, i would say that nothing is surprising anymore. People can be anything they choose to be. And we do not have any say in this so-called rights to choose/ rights to be. So, probably this is the backlash of all the freedom campaigns. people have no regards for deeper meaning of connection. They become more individualistic(just to make it sound nicer)in approach.

So the situation is: you have this close friend-basically someone who do many things with you, and would be seen almost "always" together with you..and then, all of a sudden, she started giving you the cold shoulder, treated you like a doormat, etc.Just to get the imagination working. You dont know why she acted the way she do, all your efforts of being nice were in vain, and she started to ignore your very existence, then you start to ignore her as well. How long can you stand the cold treatment? The problem starts to rise when she went around to all the people you both know, lamenting about your cold treatment towards her. She made everyone you knew advised you to try patching up with her and start being nice to her...????What she did had pointed the finger towards you.if it were me,it would not be pleased with that.

i'm not superstitious, im pretty straightforward, and pretty naive(if you would say that) and certainly not superficial. I am honest in my dealing, and im always at my best with all people. The problem is, people think that my best conduct is to be taken advantage of.well, that's the problem with their perspective..not mine.or so i think.

But as i'm thinking, and event after event unfolding, i couldn't just be passive and let everything that can be prevented happens. I couldnt just accept that people are naturally this and that, and i shouldn't complaint. See where it brings me when i have no say of everything? People take me for granted, people are trying to ruin my reputation, and people made the decision for me. certainly they caused more harm than good.

Im not really good in explaining other people's behaviour. Especially when i can smell something rotten in it. sufficed to say that, this time around , let just stay a distance away from her. No matter how good the compensation is,what's done cant be undone. Whatever she might have done in time of her hatred and jealousy, she would have to ask Allah for forgiveness. In my part, To say that i'm disappointed would be an understatement. BUT i forgive her for everything. I pity her for whatever it is that she is going through.

Praise be to Allah, the Almighty. Verily He is the Disposer of Affair.

Just a thought

all these whiles, i am not confused about my feeling.

Firstly, i enjoy the friendship.

Secondly, i found out that i like him more than a friend would.

Thirdly, i like him.

Fourthly, yes, i confused his friendship by thinking that he might..a little..a bit...like me the way that i do and care about me..Because obviously he don't!

so after all the confusions, now i guess it's time to straighten things out.

another point to ponder: if there is no connection in the first place, how, may i ask to disconnect it?

Day 3 Without you

...nothing.

i didn't notice him as much as i used to be.

Today, a student give a birthday present for me.A bear-printed mug.very 'soft' indeed for someone like me who never like chocolate or flower, and always do things on my own. But, i love it all the same.It strengthen the idea that there are other people who care about me and value me as a friend. and that is not asking too much, i supposed.

i didn't notice the hours passed by.I'm glad that what i planned to do today are generally done.

my conclusion for today is: there's not much to say anymore,but i keep on writing as a therapy: to let go of my feeling in totality, to write about things the way i see it, and record my thought on what's happening so that i could keep track of my progression.

I don't care if some people are lying. So what if i'm the lost cause, or i'm the one being made a fool?Never mind, rest assured that Allah knows best and nothing escapes His Judgment. What you give, you will certainly get back.

Day 2 Without you

...Even better

I thought that my self sufficiency would have evaporated after yesterday. And i would miss him like crazy, and would start softening up.. None of that happened.I managed to settle quite a number of my works which i have abandoned before. And the day passed by "bearably".I was not conscious of his presence, and i can focus quite easily. I saw him when the friend in question sent me off to office in the morning:"now, there's your boyfriend.." which was answered by a very defensive.."ape pula, ***** tak balas pun mesej dia"...and i realized that, i could fall back into the same pattern if i'm not careful.. So my resolution is i'll watch the words that come out from my mouth.I dont want them to effect the way i think.

Today, i went and ask the PET about UITM. and as i had expected there are many things i need to consider. i was passed over to a Mr Ashraf from the headquarters..haven't call him yet.But i will.

After office, i went out with my friends.eating and talking. Really, a guy's perspective is always more positive than the girls. We were talking and it opened up my mind about things that had been bothering me a lot these lately. So i decided that i would put all the matters behind and moved on with my life. What's the point of wasting our precious life bothering about what other people like or dont like about us?at the end of the day, what matters is what god's has destined for us...

Reflecting back, i wonder why i ever think that i could never be able to face him if anything happened. Seeing it the way i see it now, well, i could have face Hitler!
Thinking...

Whatever will be, will be

Day 1 without you

..had been pretty smooth.

Not as much turmoil as i expected to be. Infact, today passed as uneventful as i would like it to be. i thought that i would be swinging from one emotion to another. it seems that i underestimated myself. i was doing so well that there is no trace of Friday's frustration.Thank you Allah for making this easier for me.

I dont know why, but the friend in question suddenly asked me to join her activity. Usually i'll have to ask her to tag along. But today, all of a sudden, she invited me. I dont know whether it was out of guilt for something, or because she wanted to tell me something, or because everyone thought that i was in such a wreckage that i would need a shoulder or a shirt to wipe my tears with..urgh, how ungrateful i can be...But im going to give her the benefit of all doubts,and trust her. i wont meddle in other people's affair, unless or until they let me. I didnt ask a single question about my best mate-whether he still text her/or on what topic or anything..Nada.Im proud of my patience. Im really proud of myself. Or, come to think of it, maybe i dont care anymore.

My uncle mentioned about an offer to teach in UITM in Tawau for the Department of Language, and im seriously considering. It's closer to home, where i can spend more times with my family, while pursuing my career. But then there are things to think about, the legal aspect, the transfer, the rules etc..it is not a matter that can be decide impulsively.. i'll sleep on it.Maybe it's time to change direction.

I almost laughed out loud when he suddenly turned up the volume when a song on "Broken String" came up. Maybe it is nothing personal. But so far, the song always comes up when we have misunderstanding/ too far for comfort..Just so you know, mate..im bored with this on-off thingy.

Last but not least, there's nothing left to pursue. he said that after Friday (just because he is chasing other girl) we would be no more-never existed-an unknown person-and that he wont bother me anymore..So im giving him the benefits of all doubts and trust him.

For better or for the worst?

On Friday, i came home with an anticipation of good times to come, to pamper myself, to get my house in order and to just chill in.

stress and tension were up to my neck, and i desperately need a break to regain my mental peace, and just to take a rest from the chaos. still no one pays attention to my woes. They probably thought that i was joking about being physically and mentally tired. i was not. On that day, as i was excited thinking that im going to have the remaining of the day in blissful rest, i was asked to sit in for someone's for duty that night. my hope was partially crushed. And my anticipation was ruined further by someone else that very day, for being such a jerk.

I desperately need some TLC right now. i dont need selfish people. ARGGH!!!

Things were cooling off with me and my bestmate.. and i had long realized that we were up to nothing. And im in the process of totally letting go..After what had happened, it would be foolish to assume that things were still the same..it had lost its shine.. i was bored of his childishness...and im pretty disappointed because of his lack of consideration for my feeling. I'm totally disappointed that he is hitting on my friend and conveniently did it through, me..I'm disappointed that in the end whatever people say about him is the truth..he is just a childish pretty-face whose aims is to have fun fun fun..so disappointed.
And he had the gut of pointing out that im being possessive, and that i didnt like him being close with anyone..

Hah, that was enough to get me in the worst condition. Why he did this to me?If he knew i wont like that, why did he insisted on getting the phone number from me?What is it that he was trying to prove? But if his objective is to tear my heart to pieces..HELL YEAH, BABY.YOU SUCCEEDED. If he can get the number easily why would he insisted on getting it from me??

The worst thing he asked me was:what's your problem towards me? He is the one with the problems, and he pointed it over to me...

He is the only person who can answer that truthfully..But he is the one who denied it...

i feel so helpless and lost..What, can i do to help myself this time?

Nothing is helping...

Friends with benefits… or friends WITH benefits? (and why Natalie Portman is so good at faking it)

Friends with benefits… or friends WITH benefits? (and why Natalie Portman is so good at faking it)

very interesting points of reference

Bisakah

Daku terasa ingin membawa
Cinta yang terlarang ke titik mula
Kembali mencuba untuk kali kedua
Menggilapkan gerhana jiwa

Pernah ku terasa ingin merayu
Pada kasih dulu pulang padaku
Lupakan dosaku putihkan kelabu
Tenangkan amarahmu
Namun?

Bisakah yang terpadam dinyala
Bisakah yang terhina dicinta
Walau ku himpunkan sesalku
Bisakah terbuka kalbu

Naluri meminta kuungkapkan kata
Seindah bahasa janjikan setia
Akan bersemilah cinta dihatinya
Percaya ku semula
Namun?

Bisakah yang benci disayangi
Bisakah yang dusta dimaafi
Walauku himpunkan sesalku
Bisakah terbuka kalbu

Bila senduku berlinang sayu
Dalam rinduku ku tertanya

Bisakah yang benci disayangi
Bisakah hatiku difahami
Walauku himpunkan sesalku
Bisakah terbuka kalbu

-Siti Nurhaliza-

Bisakah ku lari dan terus berlari sehingga hilang luka di hati,
sehingga terkubur rasa,
Sehingga kering semua airmata
dan sehingga kau hilang dimata?

Still can't

It's certainly easy to forget about betrayal from people who dont like you. but it will take an entire lifetime to forget a betrayal from a person who pretend to be your friend, and hurt you at the least expected moment, and in the most private space.

No. I'm not ready to let go.Not now.

in desperate moments, i often asked why i have to dealt with such people..

Why?

Why?

Still im blurry..

Ya Allah, give me the strength to let go of things, and let it be up to you.

ya Allah, give me the strength to accept the things i couldnt change.

Sadly

sad, demoralised, disappointed, depressed, angry, and truly down.

i just dont know how to live normally.

People are mad mad mad!

i understand the underlying religious principle beneath this, and i'm not rejecting that. But when you go around knocking other people down, talking about what's not your business, then that's paranoid!

1)they sent me an email on dress code etiquette-what to wear(socks, no tight-fitting cloth, no skirts, no shawl because its too short and it show off the chest,etc.)
-this one i accepted it, i even sent home my blouses and put away skirts that can cause people to talk)

2) they sent me an email again, this time about what colour NOT to wear because it might trigger sexual feeling. Now, this one is PLAIN BULLSHIT. And they also mentioned about going out with people whom you are not related by marriage/blood.

3) While i was on duty, people advised me to marry with the guy(s) that i am going out with..or if not do not go out at all with this guy(s)..1)Tak manis..2)Unless u two wanna marry, it is not ok to go out with the guy..

OMG!!!!!!!!!!

i understand perfectly the reason why they raised the issues, but why they bother so much about me?

Everytime they look around, are they looking at my direction first, just to make sure that they dont miss any of my flaws?!

It's not as if i hangout nonstop with male friends. We go out to eat.Day time.In a crowd. Completely innocent friendship. And now, i have to listen to them dictating what i should with my life;like getting married?
What they dont realise is these male friends are the friends that are always there whenever i need help.

Others, who talk a lot, but do nothing-were never there!

or maybe, its me again-i just dont know where the boundary is..

But every time THIS happened, should i go about blaming myself for being different from the rest?

Jadi Kamu

stress!Tension!

Mensampahkan mereka yang menghukumi.


Jadi sekarang saya harus jadi kamu, jadi serupa dengan kamu, supaya hidup saya akan jadi seperti kehidupan kamu dan jadi sehipokrit mungkin macam kamu, dan jadi segala-gala macam kamu?

March Fourth

the number changes again.

I'm older than yesterday,

and hopefully wiser too.

27 years of life,

many journey

mental

spiritual

and physical.

it's impossible to stay the same person

to be as uncaring,

irresponsible.

and still be living by whims and fancy

Dear Lord,

Thank you for everything.

You have given me so much, i couldn't possibly ask for more..