My Big decision

i am a nervous wreck!The feeling is almost similar with my feeling when i loaned for the house. But i didn't have any regret about my decision. it is high time anyway. waiting would be a good option, but i guess i have to take the chance. May Allah guides me all through the way.

I am nervous about the course in Kuching. I am afraid i wouldn't be up to the required standard. This nervousness was due to one of the KJs' statement. I wasn't the one chosen to be in the course. I was "there" because i have to fill in an empty space. I felt doubted of my ability at first. What i recalled was, my former boss asked "those who were interested" to go. There was never a question of "a specific person" to go. But when she said that, i thought, well someone must have thought that she is the privilege. The KJ mentioned that someone mentioned that she was supposed to go, but because of some reasons, she can't go and therefore she was replaced by me. The word "replacement" here is hurting my ego.As if, i don't have enough credibility to conduct the course. Well, i just have to give everyone's a free show off of what i can do...No big deal. You can say anything you like- i'll show what i can do!
There is just no ending to her running mouth, i guess. These few days, i was asked by several persons about something that she goes about telling almost everyone.I was bored and fed up. I hate all the pretenses. i felt choked!If everyone is hell bent on being hypocrite, it doesn't matter. I'd say all the best!

I am anticipating few good things. I am waiting for July, although nothing would be the same after July, but let's pray for all the good things to come rolling around.Insya Allah,everything would work out fine.

Insya Allah biiznillah.

instinctively correct

If there's a rule of killing someone who knows too much, then i would already be on the first eleven's list..

Ya Allah. Innalillah wa innalillahi raji'un..

anyone lived in a pretty how town

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

-e.e cummings

Diam

Syair Imam Syafie: "Berkatalah sesuka hatimu untuk menghina kehormatanku. Maka diamku dari orang yang menghina adalah suatu jawapan . Bukanlah ertinya aku tidak memiliki jawapan, tetapi tidak pantas bagi seekor singa melayani kerenah anjing-anjing". (Lihat Diwan al-Syafi'e).

A classy way to commit suicide

i was browsing through the net, when i found the beautiful phrase used by a celebrity describing the cigarette he was smoking..

Indeed. a very classy way to commit suicide. In style..

Nora Elena

i never think that i will ever dedicate one post to a TV soap. I started to watch the drama in the final three episodes.and to say the least, it was not that satisfying-the director could have explored more on the plot, but i guess he wanted a safe ending. Very dry and static ending.It felt as if you are looking at a big THE END with mixed feeling..

The drama has caused quite a hype among my girlfriends. They texted nonstop with each other, doing a minor "drama review" while watching the story. I didn't watch it in the first place because i don't like the feeling of addiction, of being emotional over something or of wanting something that only existed in imagination. But mostly, i hate it because most of the times, it was a typical presentation of common things. Besides, being a cynic i would be very skeptical almost about everything, i would question things and i would complain a lot. So as to save myself the trouble, and keep everything in positive atmosphere, i didn't even bother watching.

So, i have started watching the whole episodes which were downloadable in Youtube..
i also read the e-book to compare which one would affect me better. I must say i prefer the drama better. The drama was actually quite straightforward, hence the dry ending BUT, the presentation is fresh. audiences were not stuffed with unnecessary plot development. The book, on the other hand, was boring. At some points in the book, the story get so overdone that i can actually see the word desperate written in every line. Well, the same thing goes in any novel about love story.

My main point in researching the novel(well, yes.i don't have anything better to do:o)): Why everyone loves the drama so much? I heard that those male staffs who always play football canceled their football games just to watch Nora Elena: the conclusion.Goodness!:o)

...and that's just because we generally love a story of hate-love relationship. We love a guy like Seth Tan, patience, romantic, decisive, caring, kind and protective. And we also love watching Nora Elena being stubborn, egoistical, weak and nonsensical but strong and beautiful....Seth Tan the character is every girl's wildest dream. The actor who played Seth-Aaron Aziz is a bonus. hehehehe
But, the character itself is the selling point. Whoever played Seth Tan would make the drama popular nonetheless..

So, my finding shows that,Nora Elena was a success because it feeds on people's fairy tales'ideas of happily ever after.

the needs for privacy

Finally, i made the decision of making my life a secluded one. I feel there's a need to keep everything in a low light. I'm tired of being in the big screen, where everyone can read about my life like an open book and can think to comment me as though they know everything about me. When in reality, they just spit out what they read in my blog. My ideas in the first place. Predictable and boring.
I am bored of all the hullabaloo of being one step ahead of other people all the times. I know the game, they dont have to teach me what's in my blood.waste of time.

what happened last night was really a big deal to me..
Some people just continuously find faults that they dont even realise that they are-as a matter of fact-is annoying and pretty much as wrong as those who were being made to feel guilty. i am not like everyone else. I don't give a damn about many things. i certainly wasn't the kind that insisted on winning everything.i'm damned grounded, i'm mature, and my approach to things were pretty decent, and i'm not easily angered. I hate bitchiness and childish rudeness. i had enough of people who manipulated other people's feeling to cover their guilty asses.I hate those talking donkey who can't use their head to a better cause. If you need a doormat, then by all means, go find it in a store. dont treat me like one, you stupid!
Dont give all those fucking excuses so that people think you were made of sweet candy.. because if u dont realise by now, sweetness caused diseases.So are you.Full of terminal diseases-Mind and Heart diseases.

But what the heck!it's natural that after a period of time, true colours come out. I'm not surprise that you come out in the most dark and grotesque color..i'm surprised that i stayed this long only to be humiliated in the end. Guess what?humiliation is common, and you didn't take anything from me.

You only make me stronger!Congratulation!

Backstabber part 2

Now it happened again.

Ya Allah,

I pray for mercy from all the things that i dont know. I pray for strength to face all the hardships ya Allah.
Please give me the wisdom to understand what's hidden.
Ya Allah.
You're the Best Protector of all. You're the All-Knowing of all. I cant do without you ya Allah. I can't do without you. I can't do without you.

Ya Allah,
How can i explain myself in the best way possible?I was hurting, and i was wronged.
Ya Allah, how can i stand the trial and tribulation without crumbling ya Allah..


Ya Allah,
i give my total surrender to you ya Allah. let's not be sad for things that out of or control; of human doings, or of nature.

Ya Allah
whatever it is that happened must be in your best knowledge ya Allah. Whatever it is that doesn't become must be in your best knowledge

Ya Allah.the saviour and the protector.

To you i give my complete trust.

InsyaAllah biiznillah.

All the small things

Indeed, praise be to Allah, the Almighty, the All-Knoweth..

The moral for today, what happened to you can happened to other people. So if they treated you badly, it doesn't mean that you have to treat them the same way.
So if you walked in the rain today, and people ignored you, next time when you have a car, please think about your how you feel when people treated you badly before.
Treat other people kindly, you don't know what God has for you in return.

i was grateful that Allah shows me this lesson before i get cold blooded and arrogant. I was thankful for the chance to pay revenge in the sweetest way possible. I realised that bad treatment doesn't render bad treatment.

Alhamdulillah ya Allah for the chance to redeem my good value. small though it may seem, but wasn't the best thing always come in small package?

InsyaAllah biiznillah,

Lari

kamu membuatku jadi sedih.

mana mungkin kau dan aku bisa jadi satu?

Mana mungkin masa dapat dihentikan

pada satu waktu yang lalu?

mana mungkin masa yang lalu itu bisa kembali?

dan berhenti untuk kita.

kau buat aku jadi sedih

dengan rasa tak mampu.

kau buat aku jadi kelu.

bila aku kelu, maka anggaplah aku sudah memadam kamu..

kerana aku tidak mampu

berkorban untuk kamu.

aku tidak kuat menanggung sakit

untuk dapatkan kamu.

tapi aku bisa

berlari

aku bisa menangis tak mendapatkan kamu.

aku bisa semua itu.

untuk kamu.

Jatuh...

Ku jatuh cinta kepadamu...

Tak sedar bila, tapi kurasa perasaan itu.
Tak mahu mengakui, tapi bila kau tiada,
aku terhilang dalam ingatan

Takut.
bimbang kau tiada dalam takdirku.
Takut.
kau hilang setelah ku tersedar perasaan.

Mengapa aku tak tersedar?
Rasa itu sebenarnya rasa suka?
Sehingga hanya dengan senyuman
aku sudah jadi penasaran
hanya dengan pandangan
aku jadi igau-igauan
hanya perkataan
aku boleh tersenyum sepanjang hari.
kerana kau.

Mengapa tak tersedar,
selama ku hilang dalam kecewa,
selama ku kejar mimpi-mimpi bersama yang lain
kau tetap hadir
memberi rasa dalam hati.

Aku takut kehilangan kau.
Bila tersedar kau masih yang terbaik
antara yang ramai
dan antara yang ramai, aku hanya lihat kau.

Aku takut terbawa rasa.
Takut hilang kau.
takut sebenarnya aku hanya lihat kau
bila aku sendiri dan sunyi
takut aku hanya memenuhi kepentingan diri.
takut aku hanya mencari pengganti
takut.takut.takut.
takut ada hati lain yang terluka.

aku mahu pergi jauh dari kau.
aku cuba pergi jauh dari kau.
aku cuba untuk tidakkan kenyataan perasaan.

aku cuba untuk pergi.kerana aku tak mampu menutup rasa bila aku dengan kau.
Aku pergi kerana kuyakin hanya Dia yang maha tahu.
Aku pergi kerana tak mahu hanyut dengan perasaan lagi.
Aku pergi kerana aku mahu kau terus ada disitu sebagai semangatku, bimbang kiranya kau tahu perasaan ini..

kau akan benar-benar hilang.
Thank you untuk hari ini dan semalam yang gembira.

aku mahu kau ada, walaupun aku bukan pemilikmu.

Masa' bodoh?

Sendiri dalam keramaian.

begitulah kesimpulannya kehidupan setakat hari ini..

Rasa sendirian itu lebih baik daripada jadi hipokrit. Pura-pura jadi orang lain untuk meraih undi popular. sayang sekali, aku tak perlukan undi popular untuk menang kerana aku sememangnya popular tanpa perlu berkata-kata yang buruk tentang orang lain.Jadi, tak kisahlah. Selalunya, orang akan bisa menilai sendiri mana yang baik atau yang buruk...tak perlulah mengajarkan kepada mereka.

Walaupun untuk jadi lain itu terpaksa bersendirian, ku pilih sendirian...

satu perkara yang ku belajar dari kisah Marilyn Monroe:orang yang membunuhnya adalah orang yang rapat dengannya. Orang yang menjatuhkan reputasi Monroe adalah managernya sendiri. dan orang yang menyuntik dadah yang membunuhnya adalah kekasihnya-semuanya kerana Monroe sudah tidak mengikut telunjuk orang-orang ini.

hebat sekali strategi hidup sesetengah orang itu. Mula-mula sebarkan perkara yang tidak-tidak tentang orang lain:katakan orang lain benci, cemburu dan apa saja yang boleh dijual ke telinga orang, kemudian pergi menconteng dinding facebook dengan kata-kata kononnya dikhianati, selepas itu tarik semua kawan-kawan yang ada, dan berpura-pura hidup dengan gembira.
ku memilih untuk mengabaikan semua sikap keanak-anakan ini. kerana tidak berfaedah.
Benarlah kata kawanku:dia bukannya jenis orang yang boleh dijadikan teman..

Ya Allah, hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakil. La hawla wala kuwwata illa billah..

I am the Bad Guy

wow, sounds cool. Though to maintain a tough appearance is not easy, but heck! let's try anyway:o)

So funny when people proclaimed that you are a "Close Friend" but can't say anything directly to your face, instead go about babbling mad in Facebook. How typical of insecure people.How funny, babbling mad about a two-faced persona but at the same time backstab others? very highly intelligent indeed.

I have always try to fit in her description, but all she ever cared about was my faults. i don't get the point.i dont get her at all. That is just a childish attempt to get attention. Believe me, after some times, it is exhausting!

Aduh, i'm so much of a grown up to entertain childish fancy. and then, when you're not busy pointing your emotional finger at others, you would start inventing excuses so that you would be forgiven for bad behaviour? (Lame!!!)well, think again. Everybody has a responsibility to shoulder, incase you don't know..

Bad vibe today..im not sorry i over reacted..I'm not sorry i might have hurt someone's feeling. So what? You don't even care about my feeling. You only care about those people who curry-favor you.. well, too bad. Not this one!

Everyone has many things to think about. Unfortunately, you are not even one of them. So stop acting as if the world revolves around because of you..Come on already!

you think it's a joke?..oh yes, it's damned funny!..LOL (rolled eyes)

Damned emotional

i am not feeling well. My head hurt, i have flu, and i feel off-balance. Everything i taste is bitter.i feel like vomiting drinking and eating anything.I feel terrible. I am impatient with almost everything. I couldn't focus, i made several mistakes on simple task-and i hate noisiness..bla,bla,bla..

This morning, while a discussion is going on, i was emotional when one of the documents, which unfortunately done by someone who is a so-called perfectionist obviously have many mistakes, and i have to restrain myself from saying bad things. This document thing has been going on for some time now to the extend that IF i found a mistake would ruin my mood entirely. i have been working hard on this one, and other people think it doesn't has any merit whatsoever, and decided to take it for granted..damned you for being such a nuisance! I could only blamed my intolerance to my well-being. Seriously, this is the part where i hate to entertain clowns. It is not helping that other people is trying to tell me WHAT i am supposed to do. It is not helping doing many things at a whim only to find out later that all are wrong and we have to redo again, and again. Im tired, understand that?TIRED!
It is also not helping that im at my worst right now..Seriously, do i have to apologize for other people's odd behaviour?HUH!

"I am respectful, kind, caring, outgoing, and strong. That's how I was raised, sometimes that is too much for some people to handle!"

...oh yeah, they can't handle it. They manhandle it!

How i wish i could escape "living" for a while.But then, it would be for the defeatist right? and im far from that!

Down the memory lane

No matter how many pictures i took,i could never framed my past.. A place so lovingly enticing. How dumbstruck i felt when it was revisited.people who were no longer there, places changed, memory faded, only a faint smell of everything. Even the sun felt differently. Or was it my absence that wiped away everything i knew?

i went back to the place where i grew up. a place which i knew like the palm of my hand.unfamiliarity greeted me. Time is indeed cruel. Nothing stayed the same the moment i walked out from the place. And i visited each and every people i knew, half regretting the times that flied away, i realised that nothing can be done to the present.it was all gone with the wind. The day was indeed gloomy for me.

I went to visit a former boyfriend's aunt. He was long gone. empty.

Emotions overwhelmed my senses. I dont know why i was there. Half of it was out of respect. Another half was because all of a sudden, i felt the needs for his presence. There were so many words not spoken between us which made parting a misery, but it didn't mean that we were enemy.Now that he has his own life, i pray for all the happiness in the world for him.But as i chatted away the times with his aunt, i felt a pang of regret for the thing that didn't happen between us.For the thing that could have been. But life is not ours for the taking. We might have crossed path for a while but we were just not destined for each other. That much i understand.No hard feeling.

Time is ticking away:people grow old and older. Nobody stays static. Everyone moves. get sick. died. get married. have children. get married again. No one remains.Those who did change into something. or become somebody. including me. i changed.

Or maybe it's just the rain? Because i felt a bit distant and cold...