the act of disappearance

im not sure why..but i think i have problem spelling words nowaday..im not even sure if i spell 'disappearance' correctly..
when i enter the office after having solitary lunch-because some of them were fasting and the others prefer to have their lunch later..so, there i was..alone and eating my 'tapau'alone.
when i entered the office after my lunch, everybody has disappeared..off somewhere.
since this morning, students have been sending in assignment and quizzes.and i have been marking paper since then..
im not my usual self these few days.im a little disturb by the fact that someone has completely ruined my piece of mind simply by being there.and the fact that i like the student is because his face has a resemblance with the person that stays in my mind. so when i see him, i see a very disturbing familiarity.i dont know but at the very moment(NOW) Farah is singing a song about the exact situation..let see if i can "grasp" what she is singing..something like this:
"wajahmu mengingatkanku
tentang kekasih lamaku
wajahmu mengingatkanku
tentang masa laluku."
tak pasti samada ia adalah lirik yg betul atau bukan..huhu
rare coincidence..tolong farah jaga exam for her class.have to stop.Gotta solat first.

not the desperate type..

You look in my eyes
And I get emotional
Inside
I know it's crazy but
You still can touch my heart
And after all this time
You'd think that I
Wouldn't feel the same
But time melts into nothing
And nothing's changed

I still believe, someday you and me
Will find ourselves in love again
I had a dream, someday you and me
Will find ourselves in love again

Each day of my life
I'm filled with all the joy
I could find
You know that I am not the desperate type
If there's one spark of hope left in my grasp
I'll hold it with both hands
It's worth the risk of burning
To have a second chance
No, I need you baby
I still believe that we can be together

If we believe that true love never has to end
Then we must know that we will love again
Mmmh

-when i came out from shower this morning, the melody rang in my head..nice song.

hati yang berbunga riang..

simply for the fact that,one of my student bagi coklat..Choki-choki pula tu..hehe..couldnt stop smiling..and because i secretly like the student..what a scandal..hahaha.
weird why i should feel this way.i dont even like chocolate..but i like it..maybe because it's from him..

the rumble in my head

will go to my class in 30 minutes.have to do quizzes and tests for them..dont know.but i feel really sleepy today.as i read the students' writing about themselves. i feel lost and sleepy..and the office..the first one hour is really quiet.everybody went to class.
lately, my head is buzzing with many things.which as usual..is too complicated to be put into words.there are other things which i think shouldnt be put out in the open..u know what i mean.but it seems that i have done a lot of observation and thinking and the end-result scares and excites me as well.
like this one guy, which i found is very interesting when we spent too many time with him..but as u moved on,u feel that he is not that interesting anymore.but u still feel like u are attracted to his so called charm..huhu.
and everyday thing that u see..which strike u right in the eyes..and what a realisation u get after that.
and about the students who seem to be more 'adult' than adult supposed to be.few days back some students were caught red-handed doing the unthinkable..atleast unthinkable in my time.spending the night out-making out with their partners..after an annual dinner organized by their dept..i mean,where have they learned to do daring things like that?!it was so rampant that it was frightening.
and not to mention about the histeria..15 persons a day?!in weeks time?!Praise be to God!
and i keep dreaming confusing dreams.confusing enough that i surrender my mind and soul for The Almighty to guide me..
maybe penat masa mula-mula datang tu is finally eating up on me.
it's complicated, is it?

Deeper Conversation part 2

the song is actually Luna's song.i love the last part when the singer said,"does your name rhymed with mine?" simply cool.
but mostly is because i longed to have something deeper in my life.not just something to laugh about but to feel any feeling together..
i dont know what i mean by that. all i know is that, im becoming too transparent for everybody to see-and the worst part is-it might not be the real me.huhu

i really miss home because mom said that baby had been sick for one week after i left for Mukah.he was not eating much..it was heart-wrenching for me..after all he is a baby..so that's why i feel an overwhelming sorrow when mum told me that...so, my decision is..im going home during the Gawai holiday up till the end of the week..cant wait..
i actually was thinking about my Gentleman from Porlock when i heard this song..miss him too

Deeper Conversation

Is your favourite colour blue?
Do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outerspace?
And I'm learning you

Is your skin as tanned as mine?
Does your hair flow sideways?
Did someone took a portion of your heart?
And I'm learning you

And if you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
And Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

I let my guard down for you
And in time you will too

If you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
And Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

If you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
And Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

keeping track

Lunch break till 2.30.Actually, i think the course is quite useful.although, maybe it is more suitable to those pure linguistics people but, at least it makes me think about what i should do in order to be better or stay in control of the situation.

Have zillions of things to write about..my students and my colleagues.but now is clearly not the right time.maybe later...and i read something on Dr. Faridah's Blog-it is something about the Rumi poem-suphist tradition-about love..it's not so much about the career/literary works but what she write in answer to the statement was-in my opinion-has a striking impact on me..but then again-time is a very elusive thing right now.will have to wait.

my pos express hadnt reach Mukah since 11 of April..what the...?is this simply bureucracy or they actually have no sense of duty?if something happened in the middle, why i wasnt notify?hangin nih.

and earlier today, a friend of my mind was asking me to do something for him-which is out of my way.so i said i WONT do it because i CANT.Not because i DONT want.he was quite pushy and expect that i will do anything he ask me to do..well,just because i dont mind helping them when i can,it doesnt mean that i wont mind doing something that HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.or that u can just push me to do something that i dont want to do..huhu

going back to my course...

2 days course

having a two days course-today till tuesday.
blissful airconditioned room..;o)

histeria,histerical, "histerism"?

April must be the most busy month for me so far.i have started teaching and have to handle preparing final exam papers to more than five classes..so, it's heaven..heavenly tiring.so, i might not write anything for weeks to come-because the final test is due in early May.
amidst of classes, assignment, and conducting listening test, Poly Mukah-where i currently reside-the quiet, matter-of-fact small location somewhere in the middle of Sarawak- was experiencing a little jolt..The female hostel has started series of histeria.almost every week, there will be an occasion where a girl or two will get the "bout".It is probably due to examination stress, or postponed worry or anything that makes them feel stress. Just yesterday, instead of happening during maghrib/at night time..it happened in the afternoon-where classes were in progress.Everybody was really taken aback by that. Firstly, because they wont know what to do.and secondly is because nobody want to be in a situation where you have to be in full control of yourself and the students..ustaz Zaidi, our KJ was called to JKA to try and help out..while everybody was engaged in thoughtful mood, Ustaz Zaidi asked Farah about what should be done to the girl if she become "wild"..the conversation goes...

Ustaz Zaidi: Farah, nk buat apa klu budak ni melawan?

Farah: (silent,confused look)

Ustaz Zaidi: (Walking to the door)hah,Farah..nak selak kain?

Farah: (still confused, said nothing)

....at this stage, i had stopped typing and was looking at Ustaz for explanation if any..his question sounded funny to me..

Ustaz Zaidi: (at the door, looking at me and farah)Farah, nak selak kain ka?

Farah: (still confused)kenapa Ustaz?

Ustaz Zaidi: yelah,mana tau kalu dia buat-buat ja.nak tau betul ka tidak kena selak kain la.

at this stage, i was laughing my head off.Ustaz Zaidi looked so serious that i am not aware of the joke at first..while i laughed it all, Farah still had a confused look..few minutes afterwards, then she laugh..LOL LOL LOL LOL

am living at my kuaters now-with a JMSK staff till..dont know.my mum had posted a document on monday last week-using post express-till now, no sign of it..huhu

Boriiiing pick-up line

i am getting bored with certain individual for their continuous harrasment through text message. Real boring. for example:
(Missed Call)
(Pretend not to know the person u missed call)
(Starting absurd question such as names etc)
(all of a Sudden, mo kenalan pl)
(Push some more)
(Being stubbornly pushy)
(Being stupidly crazily irritating)

Why some people do not have the decency or even the courage to be frank is beyond me.Those are old tricks-c'mon...surprise me with something new.Something that will not waste my credit IF i answered your text..huh

i prefer a more courageous attempt/ more bold pick up line..just straight to the point-no dilly dallying..senang,u get the point ON THE SPOT!
like this one guy from work..
we met,get to know each other a little bit,all in good spirit..and later on ask whether im single-no big deal..
i was impressed by that bold attempt.seriously.im attracted to that kind of openness-something i can understand without further complication..Totally my type of guy..

those who like to hide in a charade- i hope u know that by doing that, you totally rubbed me off wrongly.it pissed me off like hell.it's a complete immature and stupid and irritating-dont even assume that it is in any way attractive!A-ah-it's a NO-No for me.i mean, what girl in their right mind would be attracted to something stupid like that?

Not me...

To: You

Hey, i dont know why but i feel that you are in some sort of tension.Probably it's my imagination running over time again.i dont care.
You see i analyse every line you shouted- and i feel that you seriously need help. Are you having problems or depression? i dont know-all i know that you sound tense-
Dont even answer me if you dont want to..dont even bother.
But hey, whatever stopping you from saying what you feel? why should you bank it in inside?what/who exactly are u referring to?
If it's such an unbearable mess inside your head, what's wrong of letting it out?what r u afraid of?
Then again, everytime i get too much closer or think that im close to you,i am the one that will be dissapointed. Though i care so much about u-too much that i dont know why i should care- i will never know you more than you know yourself.
Go Get Help!

Mukah oh Mukah

Finally, im sitting in my jabatan-better still-finally im a working girl-no more loitering around doing nothing.

the journey to Mukah is a memorable one-though somewhat a little frustrating.i'll try to chronicle the happenings of that day.

8.30 - begin a two hour drive to K.Kinabalu-Terminal 2

9.45 - got message-flight to Sibu was retimed..so now the flight would be at 2.35 pm instead of 1.25pm.

10.45-stop for lunch-mum, me and my bro.

11.45-2.00pm-sitting at the airport,looking for familiar faces..NONE.,huhu

2.30- ready for take off..

3.15- very bumpy ride-i have to hold the hand of someone next to me.Thank You so Much to the uncle.everyone seemed to be familiar with the situation.no one seemed to panic.

4.10-everything need to be done at the airport done..from airport to terminal bus Sibu..all i can say is the airport is in the farthest part of the town...cost me RM35

5.00 - Supposedly the bus to Mukah depart at this time..it was a no show! it only arrived around 5.35pm..very Malaysian Time.

6.00 - the unthinkable happened..bas rosak..the driver took almost two hours to decide that a new bus is needed.Finally, after everybody start showing their long face-the bus continues journey around 8.00pm. the best thing is that, there will be no bas after 6.30 to Poly Mukah..the word "trouble" was stamped in my brain..

10.00 - stopped at an RnR- Selangau.i was in no mood to do anything..just sit quietly in the bus.

12.00 - Arrived at Mukah bus Terminal.Pn.Fatimah and her husband from ULPL came and took me to Poly Mukah.i stayed at Dabai Inn- a hotel-like place owned by Poly Mukah--still am staying there at the very moment-belum ada rumah lagi.

1.ooam - after a long bath, i fell asleep at 2am.feeling grateful that i ve reached the destination safe and sound. Alhamdulillah.

i try to think that whatever happened during the journey-whether it's good or bad-not in a negative way. i look at it as a coincidence-something that happen everyday and not unique to one person only. there are a lot of people who were willing to help at that time..asking where i will stay-or who will take me to Poly-offering to explain anything that is related- offering to go out of their way just to make sure that you are alright-for example Pn.fatimah.She is managing the Dabai Inn but she willingly picked me up from the Terminal bus.

i feel a really deep sense of gratefulness.although the journey was made among stranger-but i didnt feel like it at all.

i guess that is a kick start to my new horizon here.
p/s -i forgot to look at the surrounding-it's dark and im very insecure about my ability to cope.huhu