The good and the not so good

Today is an extremely beautiful day. The sky was blue and cloudless. The sun was shining brightly. The wind was blowing softly.trees were swaying.and on and on.i feel such a contrastive aura as i walked around with black umbrella,black tudung,black bag. Thank god for my blue sandals and white shirt.such positive energy that made me think of only the good things. A bonus point was i instinctively told my friend to go for waiting list. Guess what? She got it.oh yes.i am gliding throughout the day. Subhanallah walhamdulillah for it all.one not so very positive.i hadnt done anything on my fail kualiti for jabatan. Nil. It was my fault for being ignorance about it. If i cant finish it by 8am this coming monday,then i'll take full responsibility for it.i will not run away from my commitment. Insya Allah. I decided to take full responsibility for it..

Melankolia

Indah di mata, indah d i jiwa yang berahi.. Bagaikan direnda, terpesona penuh asyik.. Dan kubelai.. Titis angin yg berbisik.. Buka rahsia.. Kau kekasihku? Pecahan ombak yang menyentuh pipi ini.. Pedih mata hati bagai ditusuk panah duri.. Dan kusapu..kerna kabur pandanganku.. Dalam langkah tarian cintamu.. Duhai malam, tiada bintang. Menghiasi taman kasih ini. Hanya aku sendirian, tak berteman.. Keseorangan.. Kekasihku, hanya aku. Yang memuja sisa cinta ini. Seandainya ombak laut surut lagi... Aku pergi.

Kerana...

Another new day. Mundane,common,routine, ordinary-uneventful. I finally settled my ticket for hari raya, which gives me sense of direction...in the morning, i tried to find materials for my classes but it seemed that my focus wavered, so i give up. Instead,i updated my attendance. Ready facts and materials,no thinking involved.suit me just fine. Later, i helped preparing document for the audit-supposedly this week.. There are things that i wish have ready answers. Too bad,there arent any. I deleted a person from my facebook list. And i didnt do it to purposely hurt anybody. I did it unintentionally. When i realised it,at first i thought it was not that bad. Maybe it was the best for everybody.. But guilt is eating up on me. So out of guilt,i informed this person of my action and asked whether i could add him up again.. Then again, i thought it was just a social web. What can be so bad about it? But then,it got uncomfortable.. Believe me.i am really sorry how it turned out. It was purely childish impulse on my part,i know. And that was totally unprofessional way of behaving. On second thought, maybe it was not bad after all.i promise myself that i would turn a new page of my life.in order for that to happen, i have to forget what's in the past. I have started afresh this semester, and if it would make me feel happier, than is it a bad thing to do? I just want a justification of my promise. I have been overly concerned by what people think or feel, and i hurt myself by compromising to that. I wish i could say that i didnt feel anything about this. Just so you know that i am..hurt. It just that, perhaps it's about the right time to move away..i remembered,once you asked me to forget what happened,and i am not sure you want me to forget all that had been said or the things we have done. I remembered once you said that you are not close to anybody,and wouldnt want to be close to one.. And i remembered thinking, am i not close enough?or the thought that say:so what am i to you? Which you answered much later...just a good friend. yeah,well. Indeed.Perhaps that's the answer..and perhaps,you are right. Perhaps this is the best for both of us...

Fractions

Today is progressive..i didnt run all over the house,i simply walk and look at everything. How i have neglected my bolthole. Today was a chance to fix and mend things that i can get my hands on. Surprisingly easy and well done.i was grateful of years of training-being second in command at home after mum-because my father was always working at other places-that im able to fix things myself..glad that i dont need manly presence to do simple things,such as fixing pipe or sink blockage..that are all learn-able skills,ladies and gentleman.. Labours in the morning, followed with cooking. My expertise again. Strangely,all my cooking skills,modifying and creating recipes i got it from my father. My father loves cooking, from steamed fish, asam pedas,hinava,mixed vege with oyster,fried rice to spaghetti, meat and chicken, soup..you named it...everything is only the best in town...even maggie tastes differently.my mum has the same good taste and skills.so, i become one.. Grateful that i get the benefit of both. I know why i hate sissy-ness.hahaha. Today i watched two movies.. Qaisy dan Laila, and another one was Laskar Pelangi. Both strengthen my belief in humanity. Laskar was a story about the importance of education. I was deeply moved by the innocence of the portrayal. It moved through the point of view of the children-a clear message of how life events controlled your life,but somehow it depends on you to deal in which way. It strengthen my motivation to try giving my best to my students. To understand that sharing what i have is a responsibility that should be carried out with all due respect. What would it be like to teach in a place like that? No proper facility, not sufficient wages?i was thinking,here we get everything we want,everything we need,salary that's more than enough..and still.. Most of the times,we still complaint more,and work less.or not working at all..we cant even be responsible for our job,let alone to god.. It was a good point for reflection. Qaisy was a story about human relation. Again it is thought evoking. This is the second time i watched.though not entirely this time. I noticed the gender issues and the harsh reality of people living in war zone. Dreams and hopes are not possible because every minute is a struggle to be alive. Every second is a challenge to overcome doubts and fear. They were facing physical and mental torture and still they go on living,surviving their doubts and fears. So i learned a lot.. I realised that disappointment or rather hardship is not uniqe.it happens all the times to different people,in different situation,at different time.and we,human learned how to cope,and behave accordingly.... Hmmm.i miss my baby,his smile and his antics.i have to wait for a month before i can hold him.oh,the long wait.and i also feel proud of something ive done that had or hadnt made a person happy..i intended to make my professional life stress free. That's all. Now i can begin my voyage on my newfound happiness by focusing on my wants and needs(and let others mind their own business@. TQVM

Thank you

This is to say thank you to whom it may concern.

Thank you for pretending to be my friend so i learn to value a real good friend.

Thank you for telling my secret to another person so i learn that trust is invaluable.

Thank you for telling everyone that i was being immature so i learn how a mature person think and act.

Thank you for laughing at my eccentrics so now i learn to have more respect to people around me.

Thank you for thinking that im trying to beat you in everything so i know that i must be the best in my game.

Thank you for trying your best to fix thing for me so im able to appreciate it when people were really helping.

Thank you for making the effort to be nice, so i know nice person when i meet one.

Thank you for making me feel so much pain so i wont ever think of causing others to feel the same.

Thank you for showing your true colour,at least i know now who i should stay away from.

I promise to be in shape and gain the trust i almost lost from that somebody who always show professional and moral support-regardless of my worsen performance these lately.

Thank you Allah,again for the million chances you bestowed on me. Alhamdulillah.

Aku

Kalau sampai waktuku
'Ku mau tak seorang kan merayu
Tidak juga kau

Tak perlu sedu sedan itu

Aku ini binatang jalang
Dari kumpulannya terbuang

Biar peluru menembus kulitku
Aku tetap meradang menerjang

Luka dan bisa kubawa berlari
Berlari
Hingga hilang pedih peri

Dan aku akan lebih tidak perduli

Aku mau hidup seribu tahun lagi

Aku lari ke hutan, kemudian menyanyiku,
Aku lari ke pantai, kemudian teriakku
sepi... Sepi dan sendiri aku benci.
Aku ingin bingar. Aku mau di pasar.
Bosan aku dengan penat, dan enyah saja kau, pekat!
Seperti berjelaga jika aku sendiri
Pecahkan saja gelasnya biar ramai
Biar mengaduh sampai gaduh
Ahh.. ada malaikat menyulam jaring laba-laba belang di tembok keraton putih
Kenapa tak goyangkan saja loncengnya?
Biar terderah, atau...
aku harus lari ke hutan belok ke pantai?
-Chairil Anwar-
Maret 1943

Killer instinct

I am right. Again. Someone is getting married.the thing is i already guessed way before anybody else knew about it.the thing is the girl i thought was with him wasnt.the other one who was quite unexpected actually..hmm.my two friends were practically accidentally talking about this certain someone when they mentioned about this other girl.and i also think that the girl was someone from his place..so i am right about one thing,and also wrong about another.i feel so much better knowing that because it troubles me to think about our recent development.now that im sure about one thing,it is easier to let go. Since my instinct on this one is right,should i trust my instinct on other things? I couldnt let myself run away with my imagination again,could i?least im wrong again..

Diriku yang kebosanan

If anything could kill me right now,then it is boredoom.i was bored and purpose-less.i woke up early-the habit that i got from working days-and stared at the ceiling for a good 5 to 10 minutes before i remembered it is saturday.then started my day turning on the radio and floated through my day singing..i do chores around the house,watch tv as usual and read book-which i have bought quite a long time ago,finished and reread it again.and still i feel devoid of enthusiasm.i watched a Hale Barry movie which ive seen playing once in a while,but never really got the interest to finish through.. Life is a lot boring now,i have no friend anymore.but if that's the way it is supposed to be,then so be it.i'l just have to adjust.it will work out naturally..bored but im too lazy to feel down or be depressed about it.bored but i dont want to make it an excuse to be in the blues again.i dont want to be at anybody's house,or be somewhere anybody wants to go or call somebody because i dont them to see me in my worst and dont want them to hear me lament about my weakness and sadness.or listen to them pointing out my weakness yet again.i guess i just want to be alone.devoid of human contact for as long as i can manage..i bored but in need of a bolthole.my house seems perfect for that.well,having said all,i will be fine.it is not that bad actually.boring and all,it will just be fine:o)

Mood swinger

Friday..the most dreadful day for me.it means i have to bear longer hours of non activity.i couldnt quite enjoy weekend anymore.i have problem being alone.then my mind would drift into dangerous ground of thinking too much.the irony is i dont really like being around people.then i'll start to hate everything.my life is really in the state of craziness right now.i basically dont like everything... I am experiencing a chronic mood swing.i hadnt been in mood swing for a long time.last time was in my first year,when i was breaking off with my boyfriend..my mood swing this time is caused by 2 things.first,i dont like the fact that people think they can lash out their anger at me,when they were mad at someone else.i really despised that.it was not even my fault.i was really mad being a punching bag.because i always restrain myself from doing that.but again,people just dont give a damn..secondly,i hate a crazy competition!i dont like people who think they know all about me,and therefore help make the decision for me.i simply hate people who said i try to compete with them,when all i do was trying to make myself feel better!damned you!i dont need to prove myself to anybody.damned you for making anybody think that i need to explain myself to anybody.damned you for making me hating you even worst.for having emotions at all..just looking at this particular person,my good mood all run out through the window!you are great for having the capability of making me hate you so much..and i never want an unhealthy competition whose basic is cheating,lying and backstabbing.no,oh god,help me get out from this calamity... I wish i could run and never have to be here.to see my self confidence shred to pieces..clearly i have a problem with myself.clearly im in a lot of trouble than necessary.. Apalagi yang saya perlu buat ni?! Saya sudah sangat bosan!

Cry baby

Why?when i am trying so hard to be a stranger in your life...when im trying so hard to be as far away from you as possible...when i already wall up myself so that there will always be a barrier between us...you can still make me cry harder that it begins to hurt?

Sweet busybody;o)

Today is much better.i have one class in the morning.and one the afternoon.somehow being in class is preferrable-it is a sort of escapism.and also because i like teaching.somehow i like it now more than ever.half of time in the morning i spent doing revision for my classes.other time,i spent flipping through materials to be put in the new module.and another time is spent listening to someone babbled about me.yesterday i went out earlier because it happened that my friend need to go to the hospital.she was not feeling ok,and he husband was away.so she asked me to accompany her.and my close friend was so kind to discuss my whereabout with him..and today he babbled about-next time if someone asked for help,asked them to come over to me.not me going over to them..yesterday,my friend told me that he said that -im bodoh-which i thought-never mind,he can call me any name he wanted,it doesnt matter.and this morning,he said he didnt say that-he said im lurus bendul.huhu.whatever.my friend insisted that the way he said those things,it showed how much he cared about me.im going to dismiss that point as not relevant.im sure he is going to make the same comment to everybody..so why bother?on another thought,i have gone a little out of my way than necessary for coming before 4.3opm.as it turned out she took almost one hour to get ready..so i rushed for nothing actually.so i thanked him this morning because i knew i shouldnt leave the office before time unless it is completely necessary to do that.thanked him for being a real busybody for me.:0)

Choices

Thoughtful mode...... My brother once asked me-which one come first.making a choice or getting what you want.i answered readily-of course getting what we want..he answered me-no,we have to choose first because seldom we will get what we want.often we have to choose from available options.it was a revelation for me.there and then i realised that i have never,once,in my life,having to choose from available options.i usually get what i want..so i answered that i dont know how it feels to have to make a choice.a simple discussion that led me to reflect my life.....my cousin is a very average guy.he didnt quite finish school,he do all menial jobs and always is the subject of ridicule in their family.but he is kind hearted,he treats his parents good,generous,diligence and full of sense of humor.all of a sudden,he met with this girl who works as a teacher-and this girl proposed to him..i dont know much about this girl,as we havent meet yet.but i think both of them get the best of each other..and me,i have always been among the lucky one.i usually get the best out of life-everything is going on perfectly-with no reason to complain.but when it comes to relationship,i almost always get mixed up with wrong people,which always ended up in lots of misery than necessary...so,my point is there are people who do not always get what they want,but they get the best thing eventually.while some who always get what they want,would lost the one thing that they want the most..thank you Allah for making see the justice in every event of my life.there's no reason to mourn over a thing/person that you dont get when you are already blessed with so many other wonderful things in life. God alone knows what's in store for you in the future..if you dont get the one thing that you want the most,then you must make a conscious decision to choose a path to go..so that you can choose the best from the available options. Thank you Allah for making me see wisdoms in everywhere i turn..

after the storm

I can say that this is not the most restful of my weekend,but i did rest-i sleep a lot more than i normally do,i cooked,watched tv,had girlish chat with my friends,rearranged my cupboard-i arranged my clothes according to a certain arrangement and cleaned my refrigerator-actually more of stocking up..i felt quite calm actually after my outburst.maybe my negative aura had dried out with all the sweat.great.when my brother broke off with his girlfriend,he did the same.infact,he was the one that told me-working out the negative energy by doing things that require lots of physical energy and mental concentration are the best anti depressant..so true.im much more calmer..when he broke off with his girlfriend,he went around cleaning the house,clearing the surrounding of my father's durian tree and chopping off banana tree-and he was calmer after that..brilliant and positive way to stay sane,i would say..but actually my stress level had decreased since friday.i went to a dancing course on friday:0) i hadnt been really dancing for years.the last time was in form 3.life was really wild back then.i was a carefree young girl before the depression of growing up made me a cynic.and it took me years to be as i am now..thanks to all the books i read.but that was beside the point. I went to this senam tari kenyalang,and danced a combination of dances.from malay,the pribumi's traditional dances,chinese and indian dances.i was actually having tremendous fun. I understand,first and foremost,this dance was created to replace poco-poco,but heck,who cares?i was dancing to the tune and was enjoying every minute.the steps were beautiful,artful and enjoyable.i was laughing halfway through.very glad i went actually.very very very very.:o)...what else did i do?i went and check my lesen L-im going to get it in a forthnight..which mean,i might get my driving licence by the end of this year.;o)..it means my 2 major goals for this year are already well on the way of completion.insya allah..:0)...Therefore,monday is going to be great.:o)

I dont discriminate,i hate all!

Sick,tired,bored,exhausted,despised,irate,disgusted.Not a very good emotions,arent they?these are my feeling.loads of toxic feeling.but who's to blame?my environment is extremely loaded with negative aura.people are in their worst behaviour and others just couldnt be bother.i zoned out almost all the time because it bogged me down emotionally.i hate small talks and despise people.great!now im judgmental,prejudice,narrowminded and full of the F words.oh yes,all my dearest,u are about to witness my dark side.see whether u can stand it.since my good nature is a humor to you.Enjoy!!!

Endless day

What a day of boredoom and torture..i have no class on monday,and the day is streching ahead.i rather be in class,doing something than doing nothing with nobody around to talk to..ironically,tonite im on duty,my first duty in the kamsis..i guess,i'll just have to pretend that im batman..huhu.working when the day becomes night time..and about the same time,i have to run to the hall,mc practice again..i have to be at the kamsis,and later on head off to the main hall..now,at this moment,i dont have the heart to be anywhere..grown lethargic by non activity,but hey..i kinda like the planning for tonite..and i didnt actually loiter around in the office today,i have completed my students' name list and pb.so,on second thought,there's nothing to complaint about.today is infact very progressive.hehe.i kinda catch up some blues today,but i rather that it stayed hidden in my heart.end of discussion.

Comrades..Almost a Love Story

Finally,one chapter of my life is officially closed.im just relieved it is finally over.at least,i dont have to keep wondering about the possibilities.as it was over for good.this time atleast,hopefully,nobody lost.it's a win win situation.i wont deny my feeling for this certain someone would remain.i have no regret that it didnt work out ok. My conscience is clear.i will always pray for him,his happiness and that he gets the best life may offer to him.he was afterall,once a very dear friend of mine..you wont always get all the things you want.but it doesnt matter.what matter is you had gone through that time and come out with lessons that enrich your life in one way or another.the best thing to do is to move on to the next phase of life,proudly and with head held high.:o)..i'll let go this time with a realisation that i like him so much,and liking him that much,im ready to let him go for the thing he love most.it is good enough for me to see that he is happier that way..while i will start my own new chapter with someone that i begin to like day after day...:o)..i still am not sure whether u like me that much,my friend,but sensing that u do..(probably im wrong) is good enough for me to last the entire lifetime..when i say goodbye,it really means goodbye this time.and with that,let's move on and keep the memory folded forever at the back of our mind..goodbye and take good care of yourself,love.:o)

Summarising summary

one week is almost out...and i can say i have settled almost all of my workloads.

New subjects to teach and a convocation around the corner.

i can proudly say that i started in full force this semester. i have started with semster one..started working on the students being more communicative.And i can concentrate more on teaching-meaning i used up the time allocated for the class better this time around..:o)Well, for me it is a motivation to keep on giving "star Quality" to what i am doing..well,i promise to be better-and i working towards being better.

My sister suddenly told me she wanted to change course to DSK-to the fury of my mum.She said she lost interest..So i went around and asked what can be done for her.. Luckily it is possible,so we are waiting for the good news in this coming forthnight. Sometimes, young people preferred to try everything out rather than making one good decision for a lifetime..and regret it later..all i can say is that, one is entitle to do that at least once in a lifetime..i guess, we couldnt probably call it a mistake..rather indecisiveness..

Im still looking here and there for materials to be given to my students. i dont dont why, but it seems that this semester im feeling a positive aura everywhere i go..

i try not to engage too much on activities that i dont particularly interested in, so as to keep my focus..and again,im working on it.As it turns out, i just agreed on being a judge for pertandingan mewarna kanak-kanak, and penyebut nama graduan for convocation...if it is not commiting to more than i should, i dont know what it is..

and iam also a warden..yeay...it means the addition in pay only..hehehe