So far this must be the busiest term for me. I feel like everything is shoved inside my throat. So many things to do. Just when you think you can inhale a bit, works are mountain high again. Sampai mimpi pun mimpi dikejar- kejar. Vampire pula tu yang mengejar. Funny but at the same time ngeri! I remembered shutting my eyes tightly while watching Dracula Untold. I was writhing in my seat. Bukan sebab perasaan seram but because the movie made you feel that no matter how far you run, or where you hide, i am going to find you and break your skull. Violence and insecure. The same feeling i had when i watched a sci-fi movie man vs robots. (forgot the title). Horrible feeling it was. I have problems relating to historical based story and sci fi where life so much depended on machine. Probably because both are devoid of stability and security.
Last night, i was teary the whole day. I cried and cried and cried. I started to wonder why i was teary and depressed.After isyak, i realised that i was stressed out because of all the workloads. Right after i came in after 2-weeks kursus in Penang. So many things that goes out of hands this week and me out of frustration and anger, decide to take it all in!Lesson: never decide when you are angry!
The whole week starting Monday is the special needs course. Tuesday i am presenting paper. And i planned to spend the rest of November finishing quality related works. Seriously, who am i kidding?!
And dare i ask myself, why i am cranky?
Nov 2, 2014
Sep 5, 2014
Jagalah Diri
-Am listenig to a song by Jaclyn Victor "Jagalah diri". i always love with this song. Maybe because it is a song from a person to the Almighty. penuh pengharapan, puitis dan menyentuh hati yang paling dalam.
- Do you realise that the reason we love certain things is because it reminds us of something?A symbolic?
- i think Edry Abdul Halim is supertalented. i wonder why nobody ever let him win any AJL's award or AIM etc. Powerful words there. Pray for Edry. Thank you Edry.
A Reflection: We were eating and discussing human nature in the office pantry today, when a kakak referred to recent incident threw a question: Mengapa orang yang attitude tak bagus, menyusahkan orang, tak buat kerja selalu dapat apa yang dia nak, sedangkan orang yang baik-baik, tak menyusahkan, dan suka menolong tu selalu tak dapat apa yang dia nak? kalau dapat pun pelbagai halangan yang kena dilalui?
Here's what the ustaz said:
وَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَاللهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ
“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahui.” (Al-Baqarah: 216)
And it is good enough an answer for me. Indeed, a perfect answer.
Sep 3, 2014
Of downhearted
I dont know how to write about negative feeling. i cant make it sound right.
I was quite downhearted these past few months because I didn't get the promotion. After years of spending my life building a career, it was quite a disappointment to not get it. I think anyone in my shoes would feel the same. I am not the type who play around during work. I give full focus. I did everything that was required of me. Not only because it was my duty, but working is a passion. I love what i do. when i didn't get it, it took some times for me to come back to life. With renewed conviction to be even better. i don't want anybody to sympathise. I knew my potential. at least i understand that it wasn't caused by my lack of competency for the works that i do. Rather, it was because, i think, of human evaluation. Human evaluation is rather relative. what looks good in your eyes, might not even reach other people' s standard. So, i move on with a little reservation in my heart.
I was quite downhearted these past few months because I didn't get the promotion. After years of spending my life building a career, it was quite a disappointment to not get it. I think anyone in my shoes would feel the same. I am not the type who play around during work. I give full focus. I did everything that was required of me. Not only because it was my duty, but working is a passion. I love what i do. when i didn't get it, it took some times for me to come back to life. With renewed conviction to be even better. i don't want anybody to sympathise. I knew my potential. at least i understand that it wasn't caused by my lack of competency for the works that i do. Rather, it was because, i think, of human evaluation. Human evaluation is rather relative. what looks good in your eyes, might not even reach other people' s standard. So, i move on with a little reservation in my heart.
But then again, as a Muslim we believe that nothing in this world is relative. Allah knows best. We plan, and His planning is bigger than human's planning. Wisdom learned. Perhaps it was Allah's way of keeping us grounded. Kita rasa kita kerja habis baik sudah tapi mungkin belum deserving of promotion. Kasi kemas sikit lagi. Tiada yang terjadi sia-sia. That thought comforted me.
However, i thanked everyone unwavering support and words of encouragement. Something that i didn't particularly know how to express or accept. something to learn: being expressive. Humanity is what keeps you sane.
I will try again. But for now i am going to be sad for a while. :)
However, i thanked everyone unwavering support and words of encouragement. Something that i didn't particularly know how to express or accept. something to learn: being expressive. Humanity is what keeps you sane.
I will try again. But for now i am going to be sad for a while. :)
Jul 23, 2014
Another solemn moment
A Malaysia Airliner had been shot down in the north Russian-Ukraine Border. At first it was just a news. Never knew that it would be a tragedy that would robbed you of someone close. A friend heading back to Kuala Lumpur from Amsterdam was on board, with his baby boy. How fragile life is. How temporary. How unexpected.
"Everyone shall taste death" that is a promise.
It was just beyond description. the sadness. The outpouring of emotion was overwhelming. I feel vulnerable. But even more so the victim's family. At times like this you realise that life is too precious to take it for granted. That there are much bigger issues than the little things that we give too much importance sometime.
Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikul.
But as people of faith, people who believe in Allah's decree, we have to be redha. To understand that life is but a temporary shelter before we move on to the real destination.
"Bersedih tu biasa, tapi tak perlulah memanjang-manjangkan kesedihan". We are emotional, however we have to learn to come to term with sadness and lost, and trust that patience in time of trouble is reward in itself.
Hurmm..
"Everyone shall taste death" that is a promise.
It was just beyond description. the sadness. The outpouring of emotion was overwhelming. I feel vulnerable. But even more so the victim's family. At times like this you realise that life is too precious to take it for granted. That there are much bigger issues than the little things that we give too much importance sometime.
Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikul.
But as people of faith, people who believe in Allah's decree, we have to be redha. To understand that life is but a temporary shelter before we move on to the real destination.
"Bersedih tu biasa, tapi tak perlulah memanjang-manjangkan kesedihan". We are emotional, however we have to learn to come to term with sadness and lost, and trust that patience in time of trouble is reward in itself.
Hurmm..
May 21, 2014
In the spirit of Teacher's Day
Happy Teacher's Day!!
It is now my fifth years in service. The year where you could at least claimed to have sufficient knowledege of the way around of the teaching world. The year where you would have actually meet 95% of all the "dinosour". (Quote: different park, different dinosour)
Every year since my teaching career started, i would come up with a saying or a quote or a reflection of my teaching journey. This is not to push / force people who read it to singing praises to teachers, rather it is a motivation to myself to evaluate my "teacher-ness". However, this year i failed to come up with any. As my Whatsapp and Facebook wall started to get flooded by all those well wishes and lovely speech, i became more withdrawn. a question popped in my head, am i worthy of all the praises and good thought people have of me? That i couldn't answer. i felt like i didn't own all the greatness people readily sang out loud. i couldn't come up with any. I can only say, thank you to let these people know that i appreciate being appreciated.
I was doing a report on T&L observation in class for my superior. So i started counting marks. so was my train of thought, they started to build up. i have one very simple question.
What makes one a good teacher?
Is it a matter of instructional alone with no room to bend the structure?Pure theoretical?
Is there really no room for humanity and human weakness or human error?
Is it a matter of ethical consideration only, again with no room for humanity?
Do you implement what work, or you go ahead with what seems to suit the system? (Not your students)
And so therefore, i couldn't claim that teacher's day is a day for me to celebrate. Because somewhere along the line it would always come back to what is prescribed to be right by the system / the traditional values of teaching. I dont know but looking at the T&L evaluation, all the flying colors and my mark is nowhere near "flying". hahaha
i couldn't claim my rights as a teacher on the basis that i didn't performed well according to the marks given.
At one point, i was embarrased by all the well wishes.
And to this point, i still have the question lingering : Am i a good teacher?
How "good" is "good" anyway?
It is now my fifth years in service. The year where you could at least claimed to have sufficient knowledege of the way around of the teaching world. The year where you would have actually meet 95% of all the "dinosour". (Quote: different park, different dinosour)
Every year since my teaching career started, i would come up with a saying or a quote or a reflection of my teaching journey. This is not to push / force people who read it to singing praises to teachers, rather it is a motivation to myself to evaluate my "teacher-ness". However, this year i failed to come up with any. As my Whatsapp and Facebook wall started to get flooded by all those well wishes and lovely speech, i became more withdrawn. a question popped in my head, am i worthy of all the praises and good thought people have of me? That i couldn't answer. i felt like i didn't own all the greatness people readily sang out loud. i couldn't come up with any. I can only say, thank you to let these people know that i appreciate being appreciated.
I was doing a report on T&L observation in class for my superior. So i started counting marks. so was my train of thought, they started to build up. i have one very simple question.
What makes one a good teacher?
Is it a matter of instructional alone with no room to bend the structure?Pure theoretical?
Is there really no room for humanity and human weakness or human error?
Is it a matter of ethical consideration only, again with no room for humanity?
Do you implement what work, or you go ahead with what seems to suit the system? (Not your students)
And so therefore, i couldn't claim that teacher's day is a day for me to celebrate. Because somewhere along the line it would always come back to what is prescribed to be right by the system / the traditional values of teaching. I dont know but looking at the T&L evaluation, all the flying colors and my mark is nowhere near "flying". hahaha
i couldn't claim my rights as a teacher on the basis that i didn't performed well according to the marks given.
At one point, i was embarrased by all the well wishes.
And to this point, i still have the question lingering : Am i a good teacher?
How "good" is "good" anyway?
Apr 21, 2014
Vulnerable
it's been a long time. i simply dont have the time to build up my thought. too busy.probably.
i have this vulnerable feeling. i fear something that i dont know. something that is beyond control.
i fear for the future that might not show its face at all. i fear that everyone i love is going to be gone in a blink of an eye, and i cant hold their hand strong enough. i fear that i am living an empty life and when it comes to the day of judgment, nothing of what i have done in this world would matter a bit. i am fearful, and i dont know..my feeling is so vast that sometimes i felt overwhelmed by it. maybe it was too much thinking. Maybe it was coming of age. As if all the sunny, warm, breezy days are gone. .. What is this feeling? Depression? or Delusion?
i have this vulnerable feeling. i fear something that i dont know. something that is beyond control.
i fear for the future that might not show its face at all. i fear that everyone i love is going to be gone in a blink of an eye, and i cant hold their hand strong enough. i fear that i am living an empty life and when it comes to the day of judgment, nothing of what i have done in this world would matter a bit. i am fearful, and i dont know..my feeling is so vast that sometimes i felt overwhelmed by it. maybe it was too much thinking. Maybe it was coming of age. As if all the sunny, warm, breezy days are gone. .. What is this feeling? Depression? or Delusion?
Mar 4, 2014
The 3.0 post
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah
Thank you Allah for all the blessings up to now. For still giving me life and the opportunity to contribute to the betterment of world in general. I couldn't have write it simpler. At 30, you learned that you can never be as simple minded as it was before. I am not my 20 year old self anymore. My perspective is different. My feeling is different. What i believe in also has changed. and hopefully for the better. Alhamdulillah Ya Allah. Experience has made me tougher, yet softer at the same time. Wisdom do has an edge with it. Indeed, age is more than just a number. Age is everything that is you. Unless, you didnt learn anything at all in these 30 year of time.
A woman at 30,
learned to accept compliment with an open heart,
A woman at 30,
learned to accept criticism with open mind,
A woman at 30,
learned to accept rejection with wisdom.
A woman at 30,
learned to accept acceptance with appreciation.
A woman at 30,
learned to smile through the pain.
A woman at 30,
learned to do things with confidence.
A woman at 30,
learned to deal with weaknesses with patience
A woman at 30,
learned that life is too short
and bad times past,
and beauty is more than just a pretty face
and that age is more than just a number.
A woman at 30 Is.
Happy Birthday to myself. Today i do feel teary.
Thank you Allah for all the blessings up to now. For still giving me life and the opportunity to contribute to the betterment of world in general. I couldn't have write it simpler. At 30, you learned that you can never be as simple minded as it was before. I am not my 20 year old self anymore. My perspective is different. My feeling is different. What i believe in also has changed. and hopefully for the better. Alhamdulillah Ya Allah. Experience has made me tougher, yet softer at the same time. Wisdom do has an edge with it. Indeed, age is more than just a number. Age is everything that is you. Unless, you didnt learn anything at all in these 30 year of time.
A woman at 30,
learned to accept compliment with an open heart,
A woman at 30,
learned to accept criticism with open mind,
A woman at 30,
learned to accept rejection with wisdom.
A woman at 30,
learned to accept acceptance with appreciation.
A woman at 30,
learned to smile through the pain.
A woman at 30,
learned to do things with confidence.
A woman at 30,
learned to deal with weaknesses with patience
A woman at 30,
learned that life is too short
and bad times past,
and beauty is more than just a pretty face
and that age is more than just a number.
A woman at 30 Is.
Happy Birthday to myself. Today i do feel teary.
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