Ubat Kecewa itu bernama ikhlas

ketika ujian bernama kekecewan itu melanda kita, maka kembalikan semuanya kepada Allah. Rasa bahagia, kecewa dan yang lainnya itu Dialah penciptanya.Yakinlah bahwa apapun itu yang menimpa kita, semua adalah atas kehendak-Nya. Berpositif thingkinglah bahwa Allah PASTI akan memberi yang terbaik buat kita. Sementara itu usaha dan doa jangan pernah kita putus. Inilah yang dinamakan Tawakal. Semoga Allah senantiasa meridhai kita.

(www.lombakompasiana.com)

Ralat

Today started off quite well until you tagged along.

You don't know how much i hate that. i am confused. If you meant to stay out of my life, just stay where you are. No need for all the attempt on being civil. I dont need that. Why?just answer me the question or fade away.

i am sorry i might have hurt another feeling by my action. i am really sorry. I hope you would give me another chance to explain. Because for the first time, i feel the urge to explain.You are more important to me than anyone else.Yes, you are!

For the first time, i realised that i don't want anything to do with the first one. and it felt hurt that anyone at all see that. Ralat.

I am the best!

Inside my head:it was kicking and screaming double standard.

But after awhile, my passion got the better of me. it doesn't matter if anybody wants to pick up a fight out of you.

It also doesn't matter, when a thing that was never an issue before this, now becomes an issue.

All i have to do, is after each rejection, come back stronger and with higher standards. And best of all, to prove that no matter what happen, or how annoyed i feel about certain aspect of life/attitude they will still get the best out of me. I'm not a defeatist, that's how i will stay. Fighting to the end!

Come to think of it,thank you for pushing me to the best of my ability.

I don't belong here

Just a precaution.

My blogging in the first place is a medium where i vent my personal feeling. Where i write all the common nonsense.Where i usually keep my private thought in an organized way-much more organized than the cluttters in my head. So, if anyone happens to read it, it is hardly my fault if you feel offended or feel disturbed by my thoughts or feelings. I never ask you in the first place to read it. It was not meant as an attention getter that's why you never find it listed at my other social networks. It is meant for me to ramble mad about you, if i were ever to choose. You, in the first place, stalk my sphere and started putting 1 and 1 together and started to get hundred as an answer..Thank you for reading, but read it at your own peril.

i would say, my life is not perfect. I am not perfect. But that's normal. If you are trying to find someone that's perfect for you, then by all means, go search some places else.

i will never be the same person anymore. And don't expect that from me. it won't happen.

The Weirdo

i have quite a funny feeling about something/someone.

Last week was the convo, and it gave me the opportunity to know more people/ to know more about people/person im working closely with. up to this point, i still have this funny feel-like-vomiting feeling in my heart.

i never was close to this person. and i wouldnt say im close to the person now. But after a few days, i began to sense a weirdness to this person.

For once:
a) This person has an air of being particular abt everything/or being the Mr.know it all. What was funny: his action didn't match his air of being THAT exclusive.his action has no weight.

b)He liked to talk about all the serious things/being so worldly-but i noticed that it was all bookish.innocent. unsupported by true experience. again too much unnecessary information

c) He was also child-like in admiration of all the fancy things. and being a cynic, i found that irritating. who would've taken the pain of walking to dewan makan just to get a glimpse of CM and his young wife eat, and then go about looking for gossips?!

d) too chatty!i hate babbling nonsense especially in the middle of things to do-who in their right mind would want to talk about whether being a stalker is an obsession/disease when u are busy trying to concentrate on task at hands?

e) he called me too formal. Okay, because i have been an emcee a few times, so i know what to expect, and what words to include. But putting the words "bercanda-candaan" and "halwa telinga" was clearly uncalled for. simple is easy,why make it complicated?!

he was overdoing the term "coolness". and for me he has ruined it all together.Yes, he is trying too much to the extend that i had to remain silent for the fear of saying something uncivilised.

The proximity was killing me. and i was in pain trying to remain civil.

In the end of the day, i didnt know whether i should laugh or cry.

O Lord..Please forgive me for my sins..

(Hahaahahahaa)

Ada rindu di hujung kasih

Rindu kamu

Rindu kamu senyum

Rindu sekadar kamu berkata-kata

Rindu kamu hadir

Rindu semua tentang kamu

Rindu waktu ada kamu dan aku

Hanya rindu.

Rindu sekadar kamu ada disitu.

Suratan atau Kebetulan

Kenny Remy Martin (Kenny Tay / Habsah Hassan)

Suratan Atau Kebetulan

Sesuatu yang tak disangka
Seringkali mendatangi kita
Itukah suratan dalam kehidupan
Atau hanya satu kebetulan

Kita asyik membicarakan
Persoalan hidup dan pilihan
Sedang kejujuran semakin berkurang
Masih tiada bertemu jawapan

Walau kita dihadapkan
Dengan berbagai pilihan
Mengapa sering terjadi
Pilihan tak menepati

Hingga amat menakutkan
Menghadapi masa depan
Seolah telah terhapus
Sebuah kehidupan yang kudus

Pertemuan sekali ini
Bagi diriku amat bererti
Tetapi ku bimbang untuk menyatakan
Bimbangkan berulang kesilapan

love-hate

There's a fine line between hate and love.

And if you love me,

all you have to do is tell...

and i will understand.

But if you don't love me

Just move away.

don't hurt me with all your games

dont hurt me with insecurity.

That's all i ask.

Just leave.for good.

i told you now

and will tell you again.

I am not strong enough to get you.

YOU would have to meet me halfway.

or else,

pretend that it doesn't hurt...

i will pretend to smile for you.

Or am i?

i hate this feeling of lagging...

I have been working like hell the whole week.Somewhat there is a void in my heart. I feel depressed for no apparent reason.

I have been dreaming weird dreams, which according to my own interpretation is a direct result of an unrest mind.

My confident is zeroing down-i noticed that because each picture i took do not have any personality-bland and uninteresting. i also noticed this when someone from my class told me that: miss, i saw you in orange..during a presentation. Usually, according to my reading, people who projected neutral aura/stabil will be seen in purple or blue.. So my question is, am i ill or am i depressed? That's the question...OR, am i thinking too much?

daily rambles

Semester has started again in full force.

realizing that i feel quite out of my element, im determined to try to give the best. As usual, rising up to the occasion. I can do that!

My first class-semester one students had been encouraging. They were very cooperative and i would say that some interesting characters would show up in a matter of time. Im proud that my first class had not been a trivial one. I managed to pull an activity for them to do and for me to while away the time. One of the male students cried because he missed his family-first time away from home. being a poker face, i didn't know how to react. But just for moral support, i told them about my first journey out of home-alone. Just to inject the spirit that everything is going to be ok..

I don't really care about things nowaday. So what if some people happen to be a pain in the neck?!Your business entirely, pal..Don't drag everyone down with shitty attitude.

i helped my boss do things for annual report, which were very intricate and tiring one. I also helped with convocation things. i helped simply because i need the focus. To stabilise my emotion. To block out unnecessary noises and nuisances.

Overall, everything is encouraging. I prefer to look at the positive side of everything.

drama is not my stuffs. Staying out of it IS!

Test of character

For a while i don't know how best to express my feeling-sorry or sorrow. i dont know.i reminded myself every minute to not be hysterical. By rights, i should be.But then again, it was just a small matter compared to others who had gone through similar experience. I was yanked down under but nevertheless i was determined to not overdo the whole episode. i have always been calm about everything that happened. i can't find a single reason why i should not be on this one.

First of all, i was thankful that everyone was supportive in their own way. Although, i dont really fancy their somewhat busybody attitude, but on second thought and on positive notes, i would just assume that it was being supportive. No matter if they go about circulating about the incident with their circle of friends. No matter how much i dont like being the center of attention. i would have to take it in good spirit.

Secondly, i would say, that this is a valuable lesson for me. So that next time around i would be very careful of what i do and such.This is just a test to see how i would respond to event as well as how i can manage/cope in times of duress.

thirdly, it might just a reminder from God of past misdeeds, something i didn't handle well-some of payment for kaffarah, which i might have overlooked. i should look at it with true spirit of a muslim-that misfortune is not unique and it can happen to anyone. it was my turn this time. and it was written and fated by Allah. Instead of looking at it as a bad luck or anything. It is a test that i must go through. a learning process. insya allah.

But being positive and all, after the settlement with the person involved, i called my brother just for a good cry. Relief and sad, mixture of emotion. i was sad because i was alone, and i basically have no one to turn to for a good cry. i also feel that i am on the weaker side because im a girl..and that was proven as far as im concerned by looking at the way things unfold. Nonetheless, i have the determination to nurture my independency-just because i dont want to be to dependent to the only person that can and willing to help.

no one needs to know how broken hearted i was with what happened. no one wants to know that side of my bright side.

Insyaallah, i would be just fine. insya allah

"mad hater"

Things are picking up in volumes. basically works started to appear from all different directions. It's time to buckle up. No one would appreciate careless mistakes.

I lost my phone-my maxis phone yesterday. thank god it was found by a kind hearted kakak. She called my bestie, and my bestie informed me straightaway. so i asked the person to leave it at Perodua, where she found it. i'll take it tomorrow together with my new car..Mostly, thank you Allah to bless me with kind and helpful people. alhamdulillah.

My bestie informed me that someone from my department told her about an incident during the perhimpunan bulanan. She said that i was the one responsible for not sending out the invitation to the big boss. to be honest, i'd already printed everything out, gave the hardcopy of the invitation to one of the staffs. and when it happened, no one wanted to own up to what happened. Instead, they forwarded all the blames to me. before i did any explanation, one of them said to me to not point finger at anybody. Clearly, because all the fingers were on me. I was hurt by her accusation. i wasn't the only one for the job. My bestie added up:she only mentioned your name. right, so now im the new target for all the bullshits. i get fed up of people advising me to try patching things with her. I'm not the one who go around bitching about here and there! Well, i just dont have the mood...

oh,im so stressed up. It's not only i have to face personal issue, now she puts my professional reputation at stakes!

there's no end to this, i guess. i just have to learn how to survive.

Salam Untuk Kekasih

Di sebalik kalbu
Yang semakin layu
Terbenam rasa rindu
Terkunci suara hati
Tiada siapa tahu

Dimanakah kasih
Tak seperti dulu
Kata kau sayangkan ku
Benarkah itu

Walau kehadiranku hanyalah sementara
Bukan salahmu sayang kira kau jatuh cinta
Akan ku pergi jauh takkan kembali
Salam maaf permisi
Ku undur diri

Kini ku bersara
Dengan langkah baru
Menyisi luka ini
Kekasih... sekeras aku
Terhiris kerna kamu

Ku tinggalkan cinta
Kisah yang berlalu
Kisah kenangan kita
Hanya kau tahu

Walau kehadiranmu bagaikan menghiasi
Bukan caraku sayang harap engkau mengerti
Pemergianku ini tak ku relai
Salam maaf permisi
Ku undur diri

July is bittersweet after all.

Knock,knock..i'm home.

One week conducting a course in Politeknik Kuching. It was smooth running, entertaining and fun. the people there was encouraging and helpful.
Though i come back with mixed feeling. Too much information.too much revelation.it saddened me. my heart was heavy with all sorts of emotions.

i didn't expect the overflow of information. it saddened me so much to think that everything was far from what it really was. Everything was just a masquerade. i wondered if there were ever anything that was right at all?

it turned out that everyone-all these while is pretending to be someone they are not. i feel that the only safe place is inside my head. Everyone was playing games that can't never be accepted by a simple soul like me. im totally lost in the chaos invented by other people. I was deeply saddened.

i can't explain my feeling.But who would understand but you Lord?

Tomorrow is the big day. Despite an overwhelming feeling of happiness, i feel crippled.