sending off my little brother and sister halfway to home. i'm having a heavy feeling already. thinking of the emptiness of my house when they are no longer there.. oh well. both of them have something better to do. and i should, as always, should learn to accept the coming and going of people. may Allah protect them along the way, and reach their destination safe and sound. i enjoyed the responsibility while they are with me. really did enjoy myself :)
i hope it's not too early to wish myself a happy new year. May the year to come is as productive as it could be better than ever, more fulfilling and more happiness. it's time to forget the heartache or the regret for whatever it is that doesnt turn out the way we want it. it's time to forgive yourself for all the mistakes or errors. hopefully as we get older, we get better too. and wiser in every sense of the word. Insya Allah.
next year, im going to finish up my puasa ganti earlier.
next year, im going to start saving and cut off a bit on unnecessary expenses.
next year is all about self improvement. Insya Allah.
Dec 30, 2012
Dec 25, 2012
Some of the things
I'm studying!!!..
Wonderful, wonderful. I'm studying for two of my new subjects this semester. That would be soft skills and financial management. What business does an English graduate do with Financial Management?? well, that's an interesting part of it. I don't have anything to do with it. But after reading and flipping through book on "Money Sense", i feel that i will be able to manage. my little sister even asked similar question. would i be able to handle it? I will. oh yes, i will. Maybe it's good karma coming back. When i was in secondary school, i never gotten less than A for my Economy. So yes. i will be just fine. :)
I have been teaching Moral Education for two semesters, and i could say i love it. It brought me back to basic humanity. Hard work, but enjoyable.
My brother and sister at home with me here in Mukah. and there are never any dull moment. The funny thing? i change into my mother overnight. nag, nag, nag. laugh, laugh, laugh. eat, eat, eat. my sister is an excellent cook. All the chats before bed is refreshing. the silly games? terribly childish and hilarious. there was one time where we watched TV and sat in parallel position side by side, when i suddenly felt like leaning to my side, on the pretense on making the most lightweight person fall off.. It never happened. We were laughing mid way. CRAZZZZYYY.. hahaha
Watched too many movies, manipulated them to improve my English.
On a more serious note, i would look at the current change as a means to widen my repertoire. And also, as a good Muslim, it is a duty/responsibilty/aim to attempt it in the best of our ability, right?
Insya Allah, biiznillah.
Dec 13, 2012
Fun, Fearless and Fabulous
Just some tagline i read from a magazine. I would like it to be my theme from now on. Although i could be a very dull and boring person when i choose to be but hey, "FUN" can be applied to a lot of things in life. Fun as in Interesting life. Which come to think of it, there were never any dull moment in my life. Always full of dramatic turns-as i would like to see it.
Fearless. Well, if being strong and courageous is what it meant, then i would be one. facing life difficulty with strong determination, positive and optimistic. What could sum up "fearless" if not that?
Fabulous. Quite hard to describe myself as being fabulous. But how about being nice and pleasant to be around, taking care of people that matter, sincere, sympathetic, great sense of humour, non judgmental, appreciative, helpful, diligent, and being true to myself and people around me-well, that's fabulous for me. :)
I no longer feel insecure about myself. Yes, confidence is the key to being fabulous. Not by the admiration or attention of frenemies or friend for crying out loud.
I feel mounting tension at the beginning of the weeks. Mostly because of works, too many things to be responsible of, too many people to take care of. As i go along, i believe there's nothing that i can do other than "Do". No complaint.
I got a little upset also: people sometimes are so inconsiderate. But what i think: Fake, Two face and backstabbing get old baby. But you, as you grow up, your pattern follow, and you never change. and that is not my problem. So i decided to "NOT" be one of your kind. i never do anything harmful to other people's life. Move on and be glad that i realised im not at all like her. And happy with my uncomplicated life. So yes. You may want to continue being such a stabber, baby. I decided to not play "Your game".
By the way i have a new department-The Commerce. My fourth Jabatan this year alone. But i'm looking at it with positive outlook. Start afresh. learn something new. Be the best version of myself. All over again. And thinking that i dont have to think about having to act like im walking on a thin line anymore. Don't have to prove to anyone but myself that, well i deserve what i have. Coz i know i deserve everything i have. No question of that. I work hard. im looking at it as a blessing in disguise.
So much of the confidence i had. until i met Pak Abu. Sad. But i have already lost him long before the transfer. And if he really care about having me around, he would've done something to keep our friendship. Time will mend it, im sure. I have to go for myself. When i lost my bestmate, i learned that what best for me is not neccessarily the best for other people. While i regretted what happened, i always believe that it was for the best. Someone has to go. Someone has to move one. there's always a possibility that someone will be somebody from the past. that's an accepted fact. :)
I thanked Allah for everything that has works out so smoothly which i could never imagine possible. I thanked Allah for all the best people who was there for me. Even for a simple smile or act of encouragement.
i mean, that is the only way to live, right? Redha dengan apa yang berlaku. Cuba setiap saat untuk improve diri. There's no use crying over a lost cause.
Insya Allah.
Nov 29, 2012
Cliche
Cliche but i want to say it anyway. So many things to do. so little concentration. This worrying is making me less efficient. and careless.
I thought that by doing things earlier and finished up earlier, i would enjoy a happier life. At least, i dont need to have to be thinking about it most of the time. i was wrong. i don't have problems with doing the things. i am extra sensitive of people who cant say it in a nicer way. i just hate having to do all things twice. i seemed to have developed a dislike of such people. Especially when i have piles of other works to do. seriously, i have a terrible mood swing everytimes it happened.
packing my bag to go home. Tomorrow. Meeting Pak Abu before leaving. Hope my perspective will improve after the short break. Insya Allah.
Tired and tired, enough said.
I thought that by doing things earlier and finished up earlier, i would enjoy a happier life. At least, i dont need to have to be thinking about it most of the time. i was wrong. i don't have problems with doing the things. i am extra sensitive of people who cant say it in a nicer way. i just hate having to do all things twice. i seemed to have developed a dislike of such people. Especially when i have piles of other works to do. seriously, i have a terrible mood swing everytimes it happened.
packing my bag to go home. Tomorrow. Meeting Pak Abu before leaving. Hope my perspective will improve after the short break. Insya Allah.
Tired and tired, enough said.
Nov 24, 2012
Not in the mood
Im not in the mood to offer helping hands. Im tired of people who dont know what they want or what they should do, or those who think that everything should be easier for them because other people sort of HAVE obligation to help. Im tired of this manja and mengada-ngada attitude.
If you want something, you go in that direction, invest some efforts, spend some of your precious times for it. Not just sit around and expect everything to fall into places. NO, there's no such thing! Have some of the responsibility of actually doing things.
I'm angry at the moment. Couldn't tolerate anything less than "capable". Sorry, wrong turn you are.
If you want something, you go in that direction, invest some efforts, spend some of your precious times for it. Not just sit around and expect everything to fall into places. NO, there's no such thing! Have some of the responsibility of actually doing things.
I'm angry at the moment. Couldn't tolerate anything less than "capable". Sorry, wrong turn you are.
Nov 22, 2012
The one that never come back
I am listening to David Cook's Always be my baby. and how he said that it's only a matter of time before that person comes back to him.
I want to be the one that never come back.
I want to be the one that never come back.
Nov 20, 2012
Just my bitter heart, talking.
I always believe in this world as a better place to see all the good things life has to offer. But, sometimes monsters reared their heads in the ugliest form. and at one point, i feel like it's no longer interesting. I dont know what to make of it anymore.
Nov 13, 2012
Training thought
Taking in the solitary breakfast hour to pour my thoughts out.
i really need a medium to write my deep feeling by now. All the thoughts in my head that im sure everyone will find pretty boring to hear. All these heavy serious thinking about things in general. i had been compromising myself a lot. i never really talk about serious things because i always have the impression that no one would understand them. I talked about fancy, girlish and gay things because most people only prefer to hear the light stuffs. Not the heavier one. I never really have a friend who shared my serious venture. Maybe that's why i like being in lite class. I have the medium to purge my thought the best way i like it.
people are basically very pretensious nowadays. and that, i still find revolting. you dont even recognize the person you talked to everyday. Some people hide true colours behind the sweet smile and what seemed to be a very sympathetic countenance. each and everytime i have to remind myself that, i need to learn to trust people again. Trust that anything can happen. Your good friends today can be at any time, the person who betrays you. i am such a careful person nowadays. i might not have many friends to hang around with but i have a good night sleep. and fresh heart. You should learn from people everyday. Treat them how they deserved to treated as you go along. Not on the presumption that just because the first impression is good, then they are going to be that way forever. Yes, experience will improve our judgment. So does mine. Improving by leaps and down. Everyone in the end, or one of these days will get what they deserved. i pray for what best for them to happen.
maybe we started to grow up and therefore, we see more of the things that we usually just turn our blind eyes on. Perhaps our judgement get better too, so therefore we cant tolerate just "any" rubbish people throw at us.
i lost my train of thoughts again.
i really need a medium to write my deep feeling by now. All the thoughts in my head that im sure everyone will find pretty boring to hear. All these heavy serious thinking about things in general. i had been compromising myself a lot. i never really talk about serious things because i always have the impression that no one would understand them. I talked about fancy, girlish and gay things because most people only prefer to hear the light stuffs. Not the heavier one. I never really have a friend who shared my serious venture. Maybe that's why i like being in lite class. I have the medium to purge my thought the best way i like it.
people are basically very pretensious nowadays. and that, i still find revolting. you dont even recognize the person you talked to everyday. Some people hide true colours behind the sweet smile and what seemed to be a very sympathetic countenance. each and everytime i have to remind myself that, i need to learn to trust people again. Trust that anything can happen. Your good friends today can be at any time, the person who betrays you. i am such a careful person nowadays. i might not have many friends to hang around with but i have a good night sleep. and fresh heart. You should learn from people everyday. Treat them how they deserved to treated as you go along. Not on the presumption that just because the first impression is good, then they are going to be that way forever. Yes, experience will improve our judgment. So does mine. Improving by leaps and down. Everyone in the end, or one of these days will get what they deserved. i pray for what best for them to happen.
maybe we started to grow up and therefore, we see more of the things that we usually just turn our blind eyes on. Perhaps our judgement get better too, so therefore we cant tolerate just "any" rubbish people throw at us.
i lost my train of thoughts again.
Nov 11, 2012
Lazy Mode
Lazy, lazy, lazy
i cant finish the tasks at hand.
i procrastinated.
i surfed the net like there is no tomorrow.
i sit around.
i feel sleepy most of the time.
i lost focus
i feel FAT.
Lazy beyond description. Huh
i cant finish the tasks at hand.
i procrastinated.
i surfed the net like there is no tomorrow.
i sit around.
i feel sleepy most of the time.
i lost focus
i feel FAT.
Lazy beyond description. Huh
Nov 7, 2012
Bucket List No. 2
Yay! to the completion of bucket list No. 2: driving cross country.
There are many things that made me exceptionally happy. such as:
* the completion of our new house after three long years of waiting
* moving to the new house
* my first ever smartphone- which is so out of character for me. usually i would buy a cheap n simple phone. buying a new one that is totally different from what i normally prefer is giving me new definition of myself..in a positive way, of course. It is also a reward for toiling hard for the last three years.Buying it out of the sweats so to say..:).. A milestone to mark the phrase in Nicole Sclezinger's song "i got my own life and i bought everything that's in it " perfectly. Praise be to Allah for the rezki and the blessing in the form of money, good friends and small details of life that bring happiness to me everyday. Alhamdulillah, syukur.
* everything that goes so well. I never thought that i would be able to feel the happiness of life again. i have to switch to bahasa now. Sesungguhnya tiap sesuatu itu ada asbabnya tersendiri. Dan apa yang berlaku itu adalah cara Allah mendidik kita agar tak melampaui garis syariat. Agar kita tetap di jalan yang diredhai. Supaya takdir kita tetap sesuai dengan keinginan Allah. Kerana jalan yang di tunjuki oleh Allah kepada kita itu ternyata lebih baik dan berhikmah. Itu Pasti! Saya meyakininya. :)
Alhamdulillah, pengertian ini membuat hati lebih tenang. Minda lebih lapang. Jiwa lebih tegar. Jalan lebih luas, InsyaAllah.Perkataan masih tak mampu menyempurnakan makna di hati. Tapi tentu difahami bagi yang merasa. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah ya Rabb.
Semoga kita tak alpa dengan keindahan ini dan akan masih tetap berdiri dengan perasaan rendah hati atas barakah dan rahmat Allah yang tak terhingga ini.
Hidup ternyata lebih baik hari ini. Insya Allah.. :)
There are many things that made me exceptionally happy. such as:
* the completion of our new house after three long years of waiting
* moving to the new house
* my first ever smartphone- which is so out of character for me. usually i would buy a cheap n simple phone. buying a new one that is totally different from what i normally prefer is giving me new definition of myself..in a positive way, of course. It is also a reward for toiling hard for the last three years.Buying it out of the sweats so to say..:).. A milestone to mark the phrase in Nicole Sclezinger's song "i got my own life and i bought everything that's in it " perfectly. Praise be to Allah for the rezki and the blessing in the form of money, good friends and small details of life that bring happiness to me everyday. Alhamdulillah, syukur.
* everything that goes so well. I never thought that i would be able to feel the happiness of life again. i have to switch to bahasa now. Sesungguhnya tiap sesuatu itu ada asbabnya tersendiri. Dan apa yang berlaku itu adalah cara Allah mendidik kita agar tak melampaui garis syariat. Agar kita tetap di jalan yang diredhai. Supaya takdir kita tetap sesuai dengan keinginan Allah. Kerana jalan yang di tunjuki oleh Allah kepada kita itu ternyata lebih baik dan berhikmah. Itu Pasti! Saya meyakininya. :)
Alhamdulillah, pengertian ini membuat hati lebih tenang. Minda lebih lapang. Jiwa lebih tegar. Jalan lebih luas, InsyaAllah.Perkataan masih tak mampu menyempurnakan makna di hati. Tapi tentu difahami bagi yang merasa. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah ya Rabb.
Semoga kita tak alpa dengan keindahan ini dan akan masih tetap berdiri dengan perasaan rendah hati atas barakah dan rahmat Allah yang tak terhingga ini.
Hidup ternyata lebih baik hari ini. Insya Allah.. :)
Oct 17, 2012
My point of view
I know i just committed a crime with my own "be economical with words" rule. But the time calls for much exaggeration.
These few days, a lot of things happened that really opened up my mind about everything. I understand the phrase that everything happens for a reason now. I understand the feeling of completely letting go. Infact i have been able to let go many of the things from my head and heart. I understand, that in life, no one is perfect. Some just pretend to be. i understand that in life, there's always a way to do something. Always one way or another. And life is not all the sadness or happiness.It's a mixture of both. You have to learn to accept them. :D
The most important thing is, if you want something, you have to go for it. If you prefer something, you have to state it so that other people know. If you don't like something, say it and change it. Be careful not to hurt others though, but make sure they know where you stand. you have to learn to respect people, socialize a bit, what is good manner and what is the good things that people do for you.
And wrong is wrong no matter what is the excuse. In my moral class, i learned that one can not say that morality is relative. because moral teaches us that what's right is right, and wrong is wrong. There's no compromise for that. But, what we can do, is do not be harsh in punishing. We must have some consideration but not to "right" what is "wrong".
So, my point is: all these while i was only thinking about my mistakes and errors and had been very harsh on myself since then. I turned on the victim mode, shy away from my own happiness, and suffer alone because i thought everyone was so damned perfect and carefree with their morality. Always thinking about what's the right thing to do. Always trying to be better. Now, that's a real tough challenge. In the actuality, im just being miserable on myself. i was trying to kill myself, maybe..
My new self is this confident girl, who believe in herself, who experienced the darkest hour of life and been brought back to life with God's Mercy, and is thankful that life is much better in every sense of the word. That im no longer tied to hurtful memories and people. I am myself, i know what is my capability and my duty as well as my responsibility. i definitely dont need any snobbish so called perfect people to act as if i am lower in standard than them.
I believe in proving to myself my point, and i dont really give a damned about anyone's else point of view. Because to them, i would be wrong, but for me i did the best for myself.
i'm not very expressive with words. AS proven in my rambling. But im going to prove it by living it. :D
I thanked people who had made my journey a very interesting source for a book. I thanked God for granting me the wisdom to understand.
Alhamdulillah.:D
These few days, a lot of things happened that really opened up my mind about everything. I understand the phrase that everything happens for a reason now. I understand the feeling of completely letting go. Infact i have been able to let go many of the things from my head and heart. I understand, that in life, no one is perfect. Some just pretend to be. i understand that in life, there's always a way to do something. Always one way or another. And life is not all the sadness or happiness.It's a mixture of both. You have to learn to accept them. :D
The most important thing is, if you want something, you have to go for it. If you prefer something, you have to state it so that other people know. If you don't like something, say it and change it. Be careful not to hurt others though, but make sure they know where you stand. you have to learn to respect people, socialize a bit, what is good manner and what is the good things that people do for you.
And wrong is wrong no matter what is the excuse. In my moral class, i learned that one can not say that morality is relative. because moral teaches us that what's right is right, and wrong is wrong. There's no compromise for that. But, what we can do, is do not be harsh in punishing. We must have some consideration but not to "right" what is "wrong".
So, my point is: all these while i was only thinking about my mistakes and errors and had been very harsh on myself since then. I turned on the victim mode, shy away from my own happiness, and suffer alone because i thought everyone was so damned perfect and carefree with their morality. Always thinking about what's the right thing to do. Always trying to be better. Now, that's a real tough challenge. In the actuality, im just being miserable on myself. i was trying to kill myself, maybe..
My new self is this confident girl, who believe in herself, who experienced the darkest hour of life and been brought back to life with God's Mercy, and is thankful that life is much better in every sense of the word. That im no longer tied to hurtful memories and people. I am myself, i know what is my capability and my duty as well as my responsibility. i definitely dont need any snobbish so called perfect people to act as if i am lower in standard than them.
I believe in proving to myself my point, and i dont really give a damned about anyone's else point of view. Because to them, i would be wrong, but for me i did the best for myself.
i'm not very expressive with words. AS proven in my rambling. But im going to prove it by living it. :D
I thanked people who had made my journey a very interesting source for a book. I thanked God for granting me the wisdom to understand.
Alhamdulillah.:D
Oct 15, 2012
You
You are everything i ever need.
Driven
Ambitious
Nice
Kind
Mature
Responsible
In control
But the shadow of my past won't let me come closer to you.
crushed.
Driven
Ambitious
Nice
Kind
Mature
Responsible
In control
But the shadow of my past won't let me come closer to you.
crushed.
Oct 14, 2012
i want to need you
I dont want to be awkward
i dont want to greet your smile with a silence.
i dont want to waste your warmth by being cold.
i dont want you to see the depth of my feeling.
i dont want you to read my mind.
i dont want you to be gone the entire day.
i dont want to miss you so terribly.
i dont want you to stand closer.
i dont want your kindness.
i dont want your attention.
You know why?
Because i need you.
#huh, apalah erti lines ini? Saya tak memahaminya..sama seperti perasaan saya waktu ini.
Sekian...
i dont want to greet your smile with a silence.
i dont want to waste your warmth by being cold.
i dont want you to see the depth of my feeling.
i dont want you to read my mind.
i dont want you to be gone the entire day.
i dont want to miss you so terribly.
i dont want you to stand closer.
i dont want your kindness.
i dont want your attention.
You know why?
Because i need you.
#huh, apalah erti lines ini? Saya tak memahaminya..sama seperti perasaan saya waktu ini.
Sekian...
Oct 7, 2012
Reading
i started reading again. No TV. Internet is slow. So, i resorted to the most traditional entertainment. besides, i need to start mending my broken English. too many grammatical mistakes that are embarrassing. i noticed an improvement when i read. The problem is, i dont have the luxury of time as well as good books to read. i have to force myself the other day to pick books in the library. mostly outdated and or i have read them before. Not much choices. i haven't bought any book recently. i didnt buy magazine anymore. Too flashy, too glossy and too much for my poor self esteem. speak of finding excuses.:) Besides, i can easily google up the info from the net. Why bother increasing the expenditure if you can get the info way cheaper and easy?
started cycling again. i need the stamina or the distraction. i feel healthier. it was such a satisfaction to feel the sweat running down my body. it was good.
started singing with my friends. shouting to the highest possible notes. Very good cure for all the stress in a week's works. gonna do it again sometimes.
started cycling again. i need the stamina or the distraction. i feel healthier. it was such a satisfaction to feel the sweat running down my body. it was good.
started singing with my friends. shouting to the highest possible notes. Very good cure for all the stress in a week's works. gonna do it again sometimes.
Oct 5, 2012
Good thoughts
This week is busy. i juggled everything from classes to internal audit to documents to everything. i seem to be managing quite well. i am so inspired by my boss Mr. H at the beginning of the week for his ability to complete things. he is one of the people that inspired me a lot these lately. especially when it is related to works and how to do things. well, we should learned from people. and he is kind too. In a sense that he is willing to teach something that i dont know at all. For example: ABM. Thank u, boss.
You certainly got better with times. i found that im no longer this panicky girl who gets nervous about things. I learn that i am capable of executing many things and keep my sense of humour. i learn that not everything that seems perfect is perfect. So i learn a few things and polish my skills here and there: walla, i survived the the so called chaos-which comes to think of it-not chaos at all. This week everything goes well and accordingly. and surprisingly much better. Most of all, i didn't even come close to losing my temper. The best way is to admit that you are busy, and you gonna need a little assistance and times, and people are reasonably very helpful.
And to accept that. some of the things are always beyond control. So i live by every moment and appreciate the opportunity to learn and be here in the first place. Feels overwhelming gratitude that Allah had made easy my endeavour. Other little things that doesnt go well, It's the opportunity for improvement. No time to be sad and depressed about things you cant control. All is well. Insyaallah.
A few words of encouragement from acquiantance, friends as well as the frenemies (i would say they were words of encouragement because they made me a better person and helped to improve my performance in general) helped a lot in times of troubles and desperation. Everything is well in my stride.
Last but not least, Thank you Allah for all the good and close friends for never ending supports. May Allah bless u guys.
-will be out jamming with my friends, singing at the top of our lungs- :)
You certainly got better with times. i found that im no longer this panicky girl who gets nervous about things. I learn that i am capable of executing many things and keep my sense of humour. i learn that not everything that seems perfect is perfect. So i learn a few things and polish my skills here and there: walla, i survived the the so called chaos-which comes to think of it-not chaos at all. This week everything goes well and accordingly. and surprisingly much better. Most of all, i didn't even come close to losing my temper. The best way is to admit that you are busy, and you gonna need a little assistance and times, and people are reasonably very helpful.
And to accept that. some of the things are always beyond control. So i live by every moment and appreciate the opportunity to learn and be here in the first place. Feels overwhelming gratitude that Allah had made easy my endeavour. Other little things that doesnt go well, It's the opportunity for improvement. No time to be sad and depressed about things you cant control. All is well. Insyaallah.
A few words of encouragement from acquiantance, friends as well as the frenemies (i would say they were words of encouragement because they made me a better person and helped to improve my performance in general) helped a lot in times of troubles and desperation. Everything is well in my stride.
Last but not least, Thank you Allah for all the good and close friends for never ending supports. May Allah bless u guys.
-will be out jamming with my friends, singing at the top of our lungs- :)
Oct 3, 2012
Bored
So boring. Nothing on but my lappy. My mum said life must be pretty boring without the TV. and yes. that's true. My TV can't be switched on since Tues. it is one week already. Imagined the boring-ness without it.
Gets so boring here. i dont know whether to apply for transfer or not. Like i am ever gonna get it. Although, there's no harm in trying once again, but..i don't know. let's some other people try it this time.
Today i spent my after-office time with other people's family. I feel happier.
But still, other people's family is not your own. So...
Gets so boring here. i dont know whether to apply for transfer or not. Like i am ever gonna get it. Although, there's no harm in trying once again, but..i don't know. let's some other people try it this time.
Today i spent my after-office time with other people's family. I feel happier.
But still, other people's family is not your own. So...
Oct 1, 2012
I don't mind at all
What is all the hues about the month being October? It doesn't mean anything to me. Be it any month.
Today is pretty smooth to say the least. i am able to live up to my expectation. i settled everything. i did everything i could, hoping that my effort today would make these busy few days bearable. In the hope that i would have enough resources of my own to fight the "bout" of busy-ness. I dont really give a thought about what's right or wrong for other people. i just do whatever that is called for the moment. Given the fact that some people can be very mean and selfish when it comes to their wants and needs. So what, you bring out your high and mighty attitude, thinking that you could get away with it? better think again. i still cringe with loath with some people's high and mighty attitude. Loath it so much!
Today, a friend in need is turning for assistance. I couldn't help but be ready handed about it. And i didnt care at all. i still has so much respect for this friend of mine. still has so much love for him. So much trust.The thing is, it only happened when this friend needs something. I bet this friend hardly remember me at all at any other times. i always reminds myself that i would be a good friend to those who prove they are worthy of friendship. He is one of the friends that believes in me when everyone else was so pretentious. At times of high troubles, he was there. So, although i was busy today, i helped. That's as much as i can do for him. I found it trivial sometimes, the things that he asked but i didnt mind at all. For him. The same thing i would do for all of my good friends.
Someone was apologizing today. for none doing. i found it was easy to let go. So i just let it go. there's no need to complicate my preoccupied mind. i need it fresh and focus. i knew someone is out to punch me in the face. Just like what he did last time, the traitor. knowing and understanding the game now, i would like to see how far he would go this time. Someone who already complained about unfair life, should get what he wanted. He is always on a flimsy pretext of being procedural and being blablabla this and that, and deep down inside i feel that he deliberately is trying to pull my legs. Pendengki memang macam tu. Oh, please dont call it being competitive. Not artsy at all, okay?
Feel a little bit dragged down. My uncle told me that i have to wait a little longer here. Oh.....
And at the end of the day, i cried helplessly. i dont know whether it was because i was too tired,or that i am relieved everything is well on track-like bottled up emotions. maybe a bit of both. But the feeling was good.
i feel light.
Today is pretty smooth to say the least. i am able to live up to my expectation. i settled everything. i did everything i could, hoping that my effort today would make these busy few days bearable. In the hope that i would have enough resources of my own to fight the "bout" of busy-ness. I dont really give a thought about what's right or wrong for other people. i just do whatever that is called for the moment. Given the fact that some people can be very mean and selfish when it comes to their wants and needs. So what, you bring out your high and mighty attitude, thinking that you could get away with it? better think again. i still cringe with loath with some people's high and mighty attitude. Loath it so much!
Today, a friend in need is turning for assistance. I couldn't help but be ready handed about it. And i didnt care at all. i still has so much respect for this friend of mine. still has so much love for him. So much trust.The thing is, it only happened when this friend needs something. I bet this friend hardly remember me at all at any other times. i always reminds myself that i would be a good friend to those who prove they are worthy of friendship. He is one of the friends that believes in me when everyone else was so pretentious. At times of high troubles, he was there. So, although i was busy today, i helped. That's as much as i can do for him. I found it trivial sometimes, the things that he asked but i didnt mind at all. For him. The same thing i would do for all of my good friends.
Someone was apologizing today. for none doing. i found it was easy to let go. So i just let it go. there's no need to complicate my preoccupied mind. i need it fresh and focus. i knew someone is out to punch me in the face. Just like what he did last time, the traitor. knowing and understanding the game now, i would like to see how far he would go this time. Someone who already complained about unfair life, should get what he wanted. He is always on a flimsy pretext of being procedural and being blablabla this and that, and deep down inside i feel that he deliberately is trying to pull my legs. Pendengki memang macam tu. Oh, please dont call it being competitive. Not artsy at all, okay?
Feel a little bit dragged down. My uncle told me that i have to wait a little longer here. Oh.....
And at the end of the day, i cried helplessly. i dont know whether it was because i was too tired,or that i am relieved everything is well on track-like bottled up emotions. maybe a bit of both. But the feeling was good.
i feel light.
Sep 30, 2012
Soft spot
i miss home. like everyday. How nice it would be to come in the evening and spend the remaining day with family? There's no better feeling in the world.
i saw this little boy crying to his mummy this afternoon when i go out for lunch with my friend.
I Spontaneously said to her: when im going to have a cute little darling like that? would he be that adorable? and my friend said: yah, i could imagine your son would be very cute like his mummy. senyum je mata tertutup. But, my sons would be cuter than yours.
(hahahaha) so funny, the things we said to one another.
And then i answered in respond: hey, tengok bapa lah. (just Joking)
which she answered back: i know , bapa would be with big round eyes. and several other characteristics mentioned that i don't want to state here.(hahaha)
well, "mummy" has to find "bapa" first to get all those lovely bundle of joys. (I'm blushing for God's sake!)
some funny moments we had!(*____*)
i saw this little boy crying to his mummy this afternoon when i go out for lunch with my friend.
I Spontaneously said to her: when im going to have a cute little darling like that? would he be that adorable? and my friend said: yah, i could imagine your son would be very cute like his mummy. senyum je mata tertutup. But, my sons would be cuter than yours.
(hahahaha) so funny, the things we said to one another.
And then i answered in respond: hey, tengok bapa lah. (just Joking)
which she answered back: i know , bapa would be with big round eyes. and several other characteristics mentioned that i don't want to state here.(hahaha)
well, "mummy" has to find "bapa" first to get all those lovely bundle of joys. (I'm blushing for God's sake!)
some funny moments we had!(*____*)
Sep 29, 2012
i write everyday
i went out for a long drive today. planning to go wash my car and ended up fishing with some friends. I love the drive out, and i love the fishing part as well. Though, i have never really tried fishing with all the fishing gears before this. fishing will not be one of the things that i would consider as a free time activity. it's a little boring for me, and it made me think too much. too quiet.
i dont feel very well these few days. i have flu and cough. So i eat all the prescribed drugs before i went to sleep. Next week is among the super busy week for this semester and i need to be in the pink of health to get going. I hate the feeling of being drugged to sleep. When i woke up, my head was heavy and my pillow was wet from sweating. and i dreamed weird dream too.
When i woke up, i felt bewildered and disturbed. It was a very unusual dream. i dont know what to make of it. what was it, a psychological state? a sign of something? a warning? or just a drugged mind playing trick? No answer. But whatever it was, i pray that Allah protects us from the bad things and the unwanted. If it was a good sign, then May Allah bless us and made easy our endeavour towards the end. If it's a warning, May Allah leads us to safety and give us the courage and strength to endure and overcome it. InsyaAllah. Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakil.
the drive out, the fishing and being with my friends did clear my head a bit. Insya Allah, i'm fine. I pray that Allah protects him wherever he is, whatever he is doing and whenever it is. By the way, this is the second time i really feel for him, this certain someone in my dream.
Takkanlah i dah start suka dia pula?
i dont feel very well these few days. i have flu and cough. So i eat all the prescribed drugs before i went to sleep. Next week is among the super busy week for this semester and i need to be in the pink of health to get going. I hate the feeling of being drugged to sleep. When i woke up, my head was heavy and my pillow was wet from sweating. and i dreamed weird dream too.
When i woke up, i felt bewildered and disturbed. It was a very unusual dream. i dont know what to make of it. what was it, a psychological state? a sign of something? a warning? or just a drugged mind playing trick? No answer. But whatever it was, i pray that Allah protects us from the bad things and the unwanted. If it was a good sign, then May Allah bless us and made easy our endeavour towards the end. If it's a warning, May Allah leads us to safety and give us the courage and strength to endure and overcome it. InsyaAllah. Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakil.
the drive out, the fishing and being with my friends did clear my head a bit. Insya Allah, i'm fine. I pray that Allah protects him wherever he is, whatever he is doing and whenever it is. By the way, this is the second time i really feel for him, this certain someone in my dream.
Takkanlah i dah start suka dia pula?
Sep 28, 2012
Sisa-sisa
Ku ulangi pertemuan
Walau hanya mendakap sisa cinta
Bersama rindu yang terdampar
Saat ini aku sendiri menangisi
Pemergianmu kekasih
Dan cuba memujuk rindu
Yang pedih tercalar
Di sudut ingatanku
Ku masih sendiri.
Sep 26, 2012
You catched the bugs, already dear!
Flu and documents do not go well together. Funny, but everytime i concentrate on my documents, i started to get down with flu. With teary eyes and runny nose, it is very disturbing. i hope that my head wont get heavy anytime soon. i can only hope.:o)
anyway, what need to be done must be done. there's no question about that.
Question:
what is happening when a person's name started to get into conversations with your friends more often than it is used to be?
Answer:
You are thinking about that person . Too Much.
But some people are more interesting than others. So, maybe, sorta, perhaps, kind of..catched your attention.
anyway, what need to be done must be done. there's no question about that.
Question:
what is happening when a person's name started to get into conversations with your friends more often than it is used to be?
Answer:
You are thinking about that person . Too Much.
But some people are more interesting than others. So, maybe, sorta, perhaps, kind of..catched your attention.
Sep 24, 2012
Long and satisfying journey
Who would've thought that i would be able to drive from Mukah -Miri and back without so much of incident? it's a long journey but im satisfied. Though, some people would prefer that they drove, but hey, if i listened to you, when will i learn to do all by myself?lovely experience. I love it. Enough said. i would like to have another experience driving my car some other days. to some other places. No turning back!
Some of the things i noticed;
1) When other people are driving your car, they dont care what happen to the car. Semua langgar. That's troubled me a lot. Although, i drive to the speed limit, but i always think about my car deeply. i feel terrible if something bad happens to her while other people maneuver her. I mean, if it broke down or "injured", i would prefer if i caused it rather than other people who dont give a damned about it. i learned a hard lesson with my Finepix Limited Edition Digital Camera. i was terribly heart broken when it was broken. while other people replaced it easily with a downgraded junk Sony Cyber Shot (not even close to that Limited Edition). So, yes. huh, sad.
2) One incident when we were on the way up a parking lot inside the mall, she was blaming my car when she couldn't go up, and the car was sliding down in a nerve-wrecking speed. The problem is , it's a manual transmission, and to go up one must use gear 1 instead of any other gear. That's why it cant go up any further. And she kept on saying "your car is the problem. im used to use a manual transmission's kancil, and i never had this problem. My dear, the hill you called hill here is just a bump in my hometown. Not much of a challenge. Because, when i drove up the hill, i can go up using gear 5. Maybe, some parts of your story were true, but obviously you haven't experience the mountain side of Ranau.And no matter how long you have been driving, it is possible that you might not know certain things about driving. Stop blaming my car.
3) i was driving carefully heading back to Mukah. so many lorries on the way, it was pretty dark with many corners. you would never expected what may come infront of you. And what's the point of rushing, when it was safer driving within the limit stated?She seemed upset. But i keep on driving steadily. ignoring her bored look. This is my car after all which i'm sure if something happened, i have to be responsible for the car and the passengers. and we arrived safe and sound within time. No problem right?
4) i didn't really like the suggestion of changing driver at all. it challenged me to prove that i can do it as well as other people do it. and i hated it so much when i sensed the sentiment that" ah, she can't do it. Must help her." i dont like orders. No, thank you. My mum is always like that: you can't do this, you can't do that, you dont try this, you dont try that. It really made you feel inferior, as if to say that other people are perfect, and you are just a second best thing. That is so much of a challenge in the first place. So much that it's eating me up. But that was well past proving time. i did it right?i purposefully let her drove my car in the city, because i am not familiar with the places. But that's the only leeway i am willing to give.
Whatever happened, it was a very satisfying journey for me. mentally and physically. At times like this, i realised that there are so many things that i don't like. And i have to stop listening to people. I have to believe in myself. I have to stop believing in everything that "should be". I have to start standing up and speaking my mind.
Sep 19, 2012
Worldly matters, darling..
On Tuesday, i went and see the big boss. To discuss about matters regarding to quality management. And after a few minutes, we started a conversation about works in general and people. i would say, i was quite shock with what i knew but i understand the point.
First of all, i told boss about some 44 girls in my unit and that i feel that it is highly inappropriate for me to give order or instruction to them because im a 41. And i also requested whether he could pick anyone of them to be the new ketua unit. Obviously i can't stay at my current position. And then, he mentioned about this one 44 girl, who had been going up about to ask him to find someone to fill in the position. I understand that, there is a professional need for that, and someone more capable is needed to handle all the committees under it. But i don't understand why someone outside of the management group should tell that to pengarah. I don't have bad feeling about being replace with someone else, as i said before there's a professional needs for that as well as someone that might be capable of shouldering the responsibility. Given the fact that Quality Management is now consist of Accreditation, JK Keselamatan dan ISO.. and soon to be added: 5S.
i cant quite say what is my feeling. I feel uncomfortable.
But i would like to think that, that is just the way things are. People is indeed very subjective. There's no telling what they can do.or what they desire. Im ready to step down and let others do their best. I've done mine.:o)
No hard feeling:o)
First of all, i told boss about some 44 girls in my unit and that i feel that it is highly inappropriate for me to give order or instruction to them because im a 41. And i also requested whether he could pick anyone of them to be the new ketua unit. Obviously i can't stay at my current position. And then, he mentioned about this one 44 girl, who had been going up about to ask him to find someone to fill in the position. I understand that, there is a professional need for that, and someone more capable is needed to handle all the committees under it. But i don't understand why someone outside of the management group should tell that to pengarah. I don't have bad feeling about being replace with someone else, as i said before there's a professional needs for that as well as someone that might be capable of shouldering the responsibility. Given the fact that Quality Management is now consist of Accreditation, JK Keselamatan dan ISO.. and soon to be added: 5S.
i cant quite say what is my feeling. I feel uncomfortable.
But i would like to think that, that is just the way things are. People is indeed very subjective. There's no telling what they can do.or what they desire. Im ready to step down and let others do their best. I've done mine.:o)
No hard feeling:o)
Sep 17, 2012
Home in no time.
So not like me to make plans for the future.
Mum asks whether i can be home for the Eid, because we are about to move to the new house. so we're going to have a housewarming kenduri.
My best friend asks me whether i can be home on December because she is getting married.
i want to be home. Insyaallah i will be home.
i really pray for a transfer. By now, im tired of having to go home and left again. i start to have the feeling of wanting to settle at one place only.permanently.
If only it's up to me.
Mum asks whether i can be home for the Eid, because we are about to move to the new house. so we're going to have a housewarming kenduri.
My best friend asks me whether i can be home on December because she is getting married.
i want to be home. Insyaallah i will be home.
i really pray for a transfer. By now, im tired of having to go home and left again. i start to have the feeling of wanting to settle at one place only.permanently.
If only it's up to me.
Sep 16, 2012
In loving memory of Pak Abu
Somewhat my mind drifted back to Pak Abu. yes, it's been moons away now. Can't remember when was the last time i was really talking to him. and the fact that i religiously avoid him (translated as avoiding him wholeheartedly) was funny. come to think of it. But, i always have the feeling that he was always doing the same thing. avoiding me religiously. Maybe it's better for him. Ya, i would like to think so. Maybe he is/was afraid that im gonna like him more than i supposed to like him.
what triggered my thought about him: a friend questioned me on why we drifted apart so very obviously, and none of us made any attempt to talk to each other?given the fact that we "were" close?well, i dont have the answer for that. i tried to give excuses for him, and at one point i grew tired and accepted that losing his friendship is something that is meant to be. So, this friend said: could it be that he likes you more than he supposed to like you???I dont know. i just don't know.
Could it be?! Probably not.
well, i feel relieved of burden today. i was able to make a clean break of this one guy that said he loves me, because his sister asked him to marry me. i handled it pretty calmly. It's better for everyone. Although some people might be disappointed by that, but better now than later when things got more serious. I can't stand feeling angry at myself for doing something i dont want to do in the first place. i guess this is what it meant, being cruel to be kind. He might be angry at me for rejecting the offer, but im sure he would be thankful later on.
This brings me back to Pak Abu and what my friend said about him. Could it be??! I dare not hope!
Whatever it is, i would be sad, if it's true and i failed to recognize "feeling" when it was there. i rather that he is happy-because i would be happy for him. with me or with someone else.
i guess i do have feelings for him. I'll be okay, though:o)
what triggered my thought about him: a friend questioned me on why we drifted apart so very obviously, and none of us made any attempt to talk to each other?given the fact that we "were" close?well, i dont have the answer for that. i tried to give excuses for him, and at one point i grew tired and accepted that losing his friendship is something that is meant to be. So, this friend said: could it be that he likes you more than he supposed to like you???I dont know. i just don't know.
Could it be?! Probably not.
well, i feel relieved of burden today. i was able to make a clean break of this one guy that said he loves me, because his sister asked him to marry me. i handled it pretty calmly. It's better for everyone. Although some people might be disappointed by that, but better now than later when things got more serious. I can't stand feeling angry at myself for doing something i dont want to do in the first place. i guess this is what it meant, being cruel to be kind. He might be angry at me for rejecting the offer, but im sure he would be thankful later on.
This brings me back to Pak Abu and what my friend said about him. Could it be??! I dare not hope!
Whatever it is, i would be sad, if it's true and i failed to recognize "feeling" when it was there. i rather that he is happy-because i would be happy for him. with me or with someone else.
i guess i do have feelings for him. I'll be okay, though:o)
Sep 14, 2012
Checking up resources
well, surprisingly many things are easier to do alone than with a company of people who dont have the heart to do it. and seriously, i feel down not because the sometimes overloaded works. i feel down because i lack people i can count on doing the job that calls for "teamwork". that is, for me, an almost non existence term. So i did what best. and it means, doing most of the things alone. and delegate some if there are people who are willing to help. Again, this is not my superiority talking. this is what i experienced. And what makes me sad: is that one person even dare to advice me to quit.Oh what are you talking about? when all these while i was busy trying to cover for you especially? doing your works, doing things that people pretended to not exist?As usual, it sounded like a challenge to me. i hate people who talk much more than doing. but i guess, im more mature now, cause i smiled like a hypocrite.
And.
Everyone is busy but me.... yeah, yeah.
And.
Everyone is busy but me.... yeah, yeah.
Sep 11, 2012
Smooth
Today is pretty smooth running.
My objectives for today are achieved.
i also managed to sort of walked away from unwanted person.because of my busyness.
i just feel tired. and my head is buzzing. But, im looking forward for my class tomorrow. I love the discussions so much. it sets the thinking wheel in my head. The same with works. They set my mind focuses on things. uncomplicated and simple.
I love it. though, i need a clean break from my current situation. Whether i'm ready or not, i have to be frank.
Or, i'll be forever tied down to the unwanted. yes, keeps it innocent, baby. Innocent.
My objectives for today are achieved.
i also managed to sort of walked away from unwanted person.because of my busyness.
i just feel tired. and my head is buzzing. But, im looking forward for my class tomorrow. I love the discussions so much. it sets the thinking wheel in my head. The same with works. They set my mind focuses on things. uncomplicated and simple.
I love it. though, i need a clean break from my current situation. Whether i'm ready or not, i have to be frank.
Or, i'll be forever tied down to the unwanted. yes, keeps it innocent, baby. Innocent.
Sep 10, 2012
Sep 9, 2012
Sesak!
ARGH!!!!
I'm not that desperate for a relationship, damned u! This madness has to stop. i realised that i like it when it was simple and uncomplicated. Now, i hate it. I feel like throwing up! So disgusting when u start imposing yourself upon someone.
well, i'm sorry that you feel differently. Im old enough to know that liking doesn't mean you have to love someone. And just because im nice and fun to be around, doesn't mean i like u.Im not going to apologize because i don't have the same strong feeling that might be short live for you.
what have i got myself into???!
all those people in my life who asked me to get married, you people..Get A Life.
I'm not that desperate for a relationship, damned u! This madness has to stop. i realised that i like it when it was simple and uncomplicated. Now, i hate it. I feel like throwing up! So disgusting when u start imposing yourself upon someone.
well, i'm sorry that you feel differently. Im old enough to know that liking doesn't mean you have to love someone. And just because im nice and fun to be around, doesn't mean i like u.Im not going to apologize because i don't have the same strong feeling that might be short live for you.
what have i got myself into???!
all those people in my life who asked me to get married, you people..Get A Life.
Sep 8, 2012
Allergic Reaction
Oh wow!
* Feel like vomiting
*my whole body was shaking and cold
*my face was flushing
*and my mind said-Run!!!while you still can!
* feel like hiding from the sun.
It was really scary. I was frightened-beyond any description.and all because of the "I Love You" thingy..
i guess im not ready for that. or maybe it was too unbelievably short a time to have such a strong feeling. Perhaps, i don't know him that long. Perhaps, i dont have the same feeling. Perhaps i dont want to have anything to do with him at all. Perhaps, it's me still warming up my heart.
After all he is too young for my older heart.
Lari setempat!Lari setempat! Lari setempat!
* Feel like vomiting
*my whole body was shaking and cold
*my face was flushing
*and my mind said-Run!!!while you still can!
* feel like hiding from the sun.
It was really scary. I was frightened-beyond any description.and all because of the "I Love You" thingy..
i guess im not ready for that. or maybe it was too unbelievably short a time to have such a strong feeling. Perhaps, i don't know him that long. Perhaps, i dont have the same feeling. Perhaps i dont want to have anything to do with him at all. Perhaps, it's me still warming up my heart.
After all he is too young for my older heart.
Lari setempat!Lari setempat! Lari setempat!
Sep 7, 2012
Batu besar ada duduk dalam hati.
Orang Muda yang membuatkan saya tersenyum dan ketawa.
Mulanya, berkawan dengan orang yang muda ini macam tak thrill. tapi sometimes sebab dia tak matang, dia jadi sweet pula. sangat terpujuk hati untuk dia..:o)
Seseorang itu memanggil semata-mata untuk kata "sorry, saya tertidur"- rasa lucu, tapi terusik juga hati yang keras macam batu bertan-tan ni.
Still, hati walaupun terusik, tapi masih ada rasa ragu dan tidak percaya yang sangat banyak.
Apalah saya ini...
Sep 6, 2012
The Beauty of Reflection
Life is beautiful. Seeing the first batch and second batch of my students (those i taught English every semester during their period of study) is pure happiness and satisfaction. Seeing them graduated, thinking that you are a part of the journey is humbling. a direct reflection of one self-esteem. Hoping and wishing that you had helped in some way, however small..
Realising with gratitude that i have not spent three years here doing and learning nothing. i've reached the all rounded level. I am able to do so much more than i ever imagined possible before this. Almost All. That's a very positive image of myself. I have always encouraged my students to be all rounded. I hope i'm a good model for that.
Ya Allah, I pray for guidance and courage to be able to do good and contribute to the betterment of ummah in general. I pray for the strength to execute my duty and responsibility everyday. I pray for the ability and wisdom to understand things i may not understand.
that reflection opens up more options for me in terms of directions to go, or fields to explore. Realising that, there are so many other options available in life, i just have to pick one.
Realising with gratitude that i have not spent three years here doing and learning nothing. i've reached the all rounded level. I am able to do so much more than i ever imagined possible before this. Almost All. That's a very positive image of myself. I have always encouraged my students to be all rounded. I hope i'm a good model for that.
Ya Allah, I pray for guidance and courage to be able to do good and contribute to the betterment of ummah in general. I pray for the strength to execute my duty and responsibility everyday. I pray for the ability and wisdom to understand things i may not understand.
that reflection opens up more options for me in terms of directions to go, or fields to explore. Realising that, there are so many other options available in life, i just have to pick one.
Sep 3, 2012
Belajar
Mantra untuk hari ini.
*Belajar membuka hati untuk orang lain
* Belajar memberi dan menerima
*Belajar.
Siapa tahu yang bisa terlahir daripada usaha ini?
Insya Allah, Semuanya dengan keizinan Allah jua....
*Belajar membuka hati untuk orang lain
* Belajar memberi dan menerima
*Belajar.
Siapa tahu yang bisa terlahir daripada usaha ini?
Insya Allah, Semuanya dengan keizinan Allah jua....
Aug 27, 2012
Syukur
Allahu akbar Allahu akbar Allahu akbar. Laa Ilaaha ilallahu Allahu Akbar. Allahu akbar walillah ilhamd.
Syukur...
Raya dengan sejuta syukur yang tak terucap. Segala pujian bagi Allah, Tuhan yang Maha Mempermudahkan urusan. Raya yang serba sederhana tapi penuh rasa terima kasih kepada tuhan yang Esa, atas nikmat dan rahmat yang sukar digambarkan. Apalah raya yang lebih istimewa selain daripada raya yang diraikan dengan kehadiran missing person yang hilang bertahun-tahun dan kembali for good? Subhanallah. Allah jualah yang Maha Memungkinkan kejadian segala sesuatu. Indeed, blood is always thicker than water..
Humbling.
Yes. Very. Pertemuan yang mengajarkan betapa besarnya erti tawakal dan ikhtiar. Betapa besarnya hikmah sabar. Merasakan Kasih sayang Allah yang Maha Besar kerana memberikan kesempatan dan kematangan untuk menilai kebaikan-kebaikan disekeliling. Terbatasnya akal tak dapat menjangka apa yang berada di hadapan. Suntikan semangat yang tak berpenghujung. memberi kekuatan yang tiada bandingan. ya Allah, Kuatkan hati hamba Mu ini di jalan Mu. Tetapkan hati hamba Mu ini di jalan Mu ya Allah.
Mencari Moral of the story.
tak mencari. ia ada di hadapan mata. "bagi mereka yang mahu berfikir (akan kebesaran Allah)".
Kembali dengan rasa insaf dan redha. Kerana apa jua yang berlaku adalah yang terbaik untuk hambanya pada Allah.
Pasrah itu menyerah, Redha itu ikhlas....
Insya-Allah
Syukur...
Raya dengan sejuta syukur yang tak terucap. Segala pujian bagi Allah, Tuhan yang Maha Mempermudahkan urusan. Raya yang serba sederhana tapi penuh rasa terima kasih kepada tuhan yang Esa, atas nikmat dan rahmat yang sukar digambarkan. Apalah raya yang lebih istimewa selain daripada raya yang diraikan dengan kehadiran missing person yang hilang bertahun-tahun dan kembali for good? Subhanallah. Allah jualah yang Maha Memungkinkan kejadian segala sesuatu. Indeed, blood is always thicker than water..
Humbling.
Yes. Very. Pertemuan yang mengajarkan betapa besarnya erti tawakal dan ikhtiar. Betapa besarnya hikmah sabar. Merasakan Kasih sayang Allah yang Maha Besar kerana memberikan kesempatan dan kematangan untuk menilai kebaikan-kebaikan disekeliling. Terbatasnya akal tak dapat menjangka apa yang berada di hadapan. Suntikan semangat yang tak berpenghujung. memberi kekuatan yang tiada bandingan. ya Allah, Kuatkan hati hamba Mu ini di jalan Mu. Tetapkan hati hamba Mu ini di jalan Mu ya Allah.
Mencari Moral of the story.
tak mencari. ia ada di hadapan mata. "bagi mereka yang mahu berfikir (akan kebesaran Allah)".
Kembali dengan rasa insaf dan redha. Kerana apa jua yang berlaku adalah yang terbaik untuk hambanya pada Allah.
Pasrah itu menyerah, Redha itu ikhlas....
Insya-Allah
Aug 15, 2012
The Gentleman from Porlock
I dont know whether to feel happy or sad for my Gentleman from Porlock is Single again...
But even if we ever cross path again, would he still accept me the way i am now? Coz i lost half of my former self...?i didn't even wait for him. and it was 7 years already.So many things have changed, for better and for worst.
*Rasa sebak yang tak tahu kenapa.*
But even if we ever cross path again, would he still accept me the way i am now? Coz i lost half of my former self...?i didn't even wait for him. and it was 7 years already.So many things have changed, for better and for worst.
*Rasa sebak yang tak tahu kenapa.*
Aug 14, 2012
This is INSANE!
Sometimes i do feel like giving up completely. i feel tired, i feel bored, i feel hopeless, that i just want to throw everything to the air and run. But, then again, on many other second thought, that wouldn't be a good thing to do. Especially for me.
Especially, when i have to rush to work in the morning because i have no heart to get up, get dress and be ready to face the world (literally and figuratively)
i get tired trying to avoid stepping on anyone's tail, trying to avoid confrontation and trying to be calm under any circumstances. I get tired living with no voice. i get tired of living at all. tired of people who don't know when enough is enough. tired of everything. tired of avoiding confrontation just because people will always blame someone who is frank enough to have her own mind. i get tired of crying my heart out just because people are often insensitive and i never said a word. i get tired of pretty much everything.
im tired of crying because i feel so out of place, out of focus, uncomfortable and sick. i feel so tired.
Tired from having to tolerate people who made me this ill (mentally and psychologically). Tired of knowing about something, but doesn't really know what to make of it.
Tired of forgiving people who dont know the meaning of forgiveness, and keep on doing the same thing after the previous one is forgiven and forgotten.
im tired of hoping that everything is gonna be alright, and everything would stop, and that person or persons would have enough conscience in his and her mind to live out of their insecurity. thus, stop torturing me.
Ya Allah. This is unbearable!
Especially, when i have to rush to work in the morning because i have no heart to get up, get dress and be ready to face the world (literally and figuratively)
i get tired trying to avoid stepping on anyone's tail, trying to avoid confrontation and trying to be calm under any circumstances. I get tired living with no voice. i get tired of living at all. tired of people who don't know when enough is enough. tired of everything. tired of avoiding confrontation just because people will always blame someone who is frank enough to have her own mind. i get tired of crying my heart out just because people are often insensitive and i never said a word. i get tired of pretty much everything.
im tired of crying because i feel so out of place, out of focus, uncomfortable and sick. i feel so tired.
Tired from having to tolerate people who made me this ill (mentally and psychologically). Tired of knowing about something, but doesn't really know what to make of it.
Tired of forgiving people who dont know the meaning of forgiveness, and keep on doing the same thing after the previous one is forgiven and forgotten.
im tired of hoping that everything is gonna be alright, and everything would stop, and that person or persons would have enough conscience in his and her mind to live out of their insecurity. thus, stop torturing me.
Ya Allah. This is unbearable!
Aug 12, 2012
Rasa itu yang memberat di kepala
Rasa yang memberat di kepala dan mengguris hati.
hati, tolonglah.
lepaskan aku dari cengkaman rasa masa lalu,
yang berterbangan bagai debu,
dan bagai embun
hilang dimamah mentari pagi.
Minda, bantu aku.
Carikan jalan meleraikan kusut yang tak di pinta.
tepung sudah lama bertaburan,
rambut sudah terputus tiga.
tak mungkin bisa kembali ke masa dulu.
atau bertahan di masa depan,
tak sanggup menyaksikan
sandiwara demi sandiwara
yang bak garam
menyiram ke luka.
Oh Tuhan.
Aku sudah tak mahu bertangisan.
Aku jelak dengan kelemahan
Aku sudah mencampakkan bendera putih.
janganlah kiranya kau menyamakan aku dengan orang yang lari meninggalkan medan.
Aku masih disini.
Berjuang mempertahankan diriku
Namun aku tak cukup kuat untuk bertahan seorang, Ya Allah.
Berikanlah aku kekuatan,
sekiranya pedang menusuk,
aku mampu mengelak ,
atau sekiranya ia mengenai dadaku,
aku mampu menariknya keluar,
dan mampu pula merawat luka itu.
Dengan IzinMu. ya Allah.
Oh Allah,
Aku ini hanyalah makhlukmu yang lemah,
yang tak berupaya melainkan dengan kudrat Mu
yang tak bisa apa-apa.
Peluklah aku dalam Belas Kasihan dan Rahmat-Mu ya Allah.
-kerana aku merasakan kesakitan yang amat.
hati, tolonglah.
lepaskan aku dari cengkaman rasa masa lalu,
yang berterbangan bagai debu,
dan bagai embun
hilang dimamah mentari pagi.
Minda, bantu aku.
Carikan jalan meleraikan kusut yang tak di pinta.
tepung sudah lama bertaburan,
rambut sudah terputus tiga.
tak mungkin bisa kembali ke masa dulu.
atau bertahan di masa depan,
tak sanggup menyaksikan
sandiwara demi sandiwara
yang bak garam
menyiram ke luka.
Oh Tuhan.
Aku sudah tak mahu bertangisan.
Aku jelak dengan kelemahan
Aku sudah mencampakkan bendera putih.
janganlah kiranya kau menyamakan aku dengan orang yang lari meninggalkan medan.
Aku masih disini.
Berjuang mempertahankan diriku
Namun aku tak cukup kuat untuk bertahan seorang, Ya Allah.
Berikanlah aku kekuatan,
sekiranya pedang menusuk,
aku mampu mengelak ,
atau sekiranya ia mengenai dadaku,
aku mampu menariknya keluar,
dan mampu pula merawat luka itu.
Dengan IzinMu. ya Allah.
Oh Allah,
Aku ini hanyalah makhlukmu yang lemah,
yang tak berupaya melainkan dengan kudrat Mu
yang tak bisa apa-apa.
Peluklah aku dalam Belas Kasihan dan Rahmat-Mu ya Allah.
-kerana aku merasakan kesakitan yang amat.
Aug 11, 2012
a little bit of here and there
One week before the eid. Im still at my current address with half of my mind and soul already at home. Normal. It always happen when we are waiting to go back home to our family. Everything happens in blurry mode. My good friend is on the way home. I would spend these few days on my own before i go back on the 16th. i can't wait!
i can't believe that i am done with my class activity: except for listening test and a little bit of group discussion. i am still thinking of activity to do to fill up a two hour long class on Monday. I don't want my students to think that it;s okay to cut short the class just because everyone else is doing the same. So, what activity could it be?thinking, thinking.
My broadband had reached its volume's limit. i couldnt do anything online, except for Facebook, and reading news. However, my downloading activity is completely out of question, my dancing-exercising activity also out of question,everything is out of question. Life is becoming so boring.again. I suddenly feel that my free time is so dependent of my broadband. So i started making full use of my TV. huh, and disappointed because of lacks of interesting programs to watch. So i sit around and sit around..(^__^)
i'm having weird dreams. dreams where i feel like someone is trying to break in or go into my house while i am sleeping. i heard pounding doors, or sounds like someone is hammering my door/doing something to that capacity. i was always frightened by that. i woke up confused and scared and unable to resume sleep. So, it might be an emotional or psychological state. i wonder, what could be the source of my fear? if that is true, what triggers that fear?or who?these dreams are recurrent.
i was out shopping for my baby brother-baju melayu for hari raya when suddenly i saw a very beautiful pant in the store. So i tried them.and it fit just nice. i would 've bought it, but it wont be decent way of dressing for a Muslim. Previously, i wouldn't care so much, but i promise myself to be better.So i put it down, with nothing but a strong conviction that good intention leads to good action. Allah knows best what is in our heart. On the way home, i saw something that, on any other day, would've teared my heart to pieces. Again, i have this strong conviction that Allah knows what best for His Servant. I give my complete surrender to Him. " Terdapat Kemudahan dalam Kesulitan" Insya Allah.
i can't believe that i am done with my class activity: except for listening test and a little bit of group discussion. i am still thinking of activity to do to fill up a two hour long class on Monday. I don't want my students to think that it;s okay to cut short the class just because everyone else is doing the same. So, what activity could it be?thinking, thinking.
My broadband had reached its volume's limit. i couldnt do anything online, except for Facebook, and reading news. However, my downloading activity is completely out of question, my dancing-exercising activity also out of question,everything is out of question. Life is becoming so boring.again. I suddenly feel that my free time is so dependent of my broadband. So i started making full use of my TV. huh, and disappointed because of lacks of interesting programs to watch. So i sit around and sit around..(^__^)
i'm having weird dreams. dreams where i feel like someone is trying to break in or go into my house while i am sleeping. i heard pounding doors, or sounds like someone is hammering my door/doing something to that capacity. i was always frightened by that. i woke up confused and scared and unable to resume sleep. So, it might be an emotional or psychological state. i wonder, what could be the source of my fear? if that is true, what triggers that fear?or who?these dreams are recurrent.
i was out shopping for my baby brother-baju melayu for hari raya when suddenly i saw a very beautiful pant in the store. So i tried them.and it fit just nice. i would 've bought it, but it wont be decent way of dressing for a Muslim. Previously, i wouldn't care so much, but i promise myself to be better.So i put it down, with nothing but a strong conviction that good intention leads to good action. Allah knows best what is in our heart. On the way home, i saw something that, on any other day, would've teared my heart to pieces. Again, i have this strong conviction that Allah knows what best for His Servant. I give my complete surrender to Him. " Terdapat Kemudahan dalam Kesulitan" Insya Allah.
Aug 6, 2012
A glimpse of Pak Abu
It was many moons away since Pak Abu. and everytime when it comes to him, i still feel so much sadness.Sadness for the friendship that has to end. And sadness, 'cause both of us were not strong enough to keep it in place.
So much sadness!So many uncomfortable silence.So much to say, but nothing can come out. And it struck me that there are people who leave you for good. And there are people who leave because we are not strong enough to stop them.
........................................................................................................................................................
It is the holy month of Ramadhan, and a glimpse of him makes me feel teary. I'm really sorry for everything that might hurt you, or burden you, or troubled you Pak Abu. You will always be the best of friend in my heart. May Allah bless you and your family, and also the people that you loves. I pray for you to get all the best things in life. Amin.
So much sadness!So many uncomfortable silence.So much to say, but nothing can come out. And it struck me that there are people who leave you for good. And there are people who leave because we are not strong enough to stop them.
........................................................................................................................................................
It is the holy month of Ramadhan, and a glimpse of him makes me feel teary. I'm really sorry for everything that might hurt you, or burden you, or troubled you Pak Abu. You will always be the best of friend in my heart. May Allah bless you and your family, and also the people that you loves. I pray for you to get all the best things in life. Amin.
Aug 4, 2012
Lewat Jumaat yang manis
Hadir lagi kamu di sisi,
saat hati mulai terdetik rindu,
Belum sempat menafsirkan
wajah dengan senyum manis menerpa di mimpi,
kamu muncul di saat jaga.
Tak mimpi. memang kamu.
Jika kamu dapat membaca
rona wajah memerah di hadapan kamu,
kamu akan bisa mengerti,
betapa rasa itu membuat ku jadi kelu
dan tak mampu bicara.
senyuman manis teriring di wajah,
Senyuman yang pemiliknya adalah kamu.
Saat ada kamu dunia menjadi wonderland,
Aku adalah Red Queen yang gagal mentafsir Alice.
Alice yang keliru dengan dunia Wonderland nya sendiri
Red Queen yang terbiasa dengan kebiasaan,
Yang terbiasa dengan cara sendiri,
Yang serba tak bermimpi tentang yang indah-indah.
Dan kamu Alice yang mengembara di alam fantasi
dan menemui aku, Red Queen yang hanya bisa wujud di alam fantasi.
Bukan di kenyataan.
Tapi, kamu wujud di kenyataan.
Dan aku bukan Red Queen itu.
Aku hanyalah Queen yang mencari King nya
untuk mencipta kenyataan.
Bukan Fantasi.
saat hati mulai terdetik rindu,
Belum sempat menafsirkan
wajah dengan senyum manis menerpa di mimpi,
kamu muncul di saat jaga.
Tak mimpi. memang kamu.
Jika kamu dapat membaca
rona wajah memerah di hadapan kamu,
kamu akan bisa mengerti,
betapa rasa itu membuat ku jadi kelu
dan tak mampu bicara.
senyuman manis teriring di wajah,
Senyuman yang pemiliknya adalah kamu.
Saat ada kamu dunia menjadi wonderland,
Aku adalah Red Queen yang gagal mentafsir Alice.
Alice yang keliru dengan dunia Wonderland nya sendiri
Red Queen yang terbiasa dengan kebiasaan,
Yang terbiasa dengan cara sendiri,
Yang serba tak bermimpi tentang yang indah-indah.
Dan kamu Alice yang mengembara di alam fantasi
dan menemui aku, Red Queen yang hanya bisa wujud di alam fantasi.
Bukan di kenyataan.
Tapi, kamu wujud di kenyataan.
Dan aku bukan Red Queen itu.
Aku hanyalah Queen yang mencari King nya
untuk mencipta kenyataan.
Bukan Fantasi.
Aug 2, 2012
Second Chance
Day 13, Ramadhan Kareem.
i have been managing my business quite well despite the busy-ness. I was able to provide notes for my classes, and was able to come up, all of a sudden, with games to finish off a two hour class. Alhamdulillah, the barakah of Ramadhan. Allah who made easy all my endeavours. He who inspires ideas into His Servant's mind. I'm so thankful for the realisation. Alhamdulillah ya Rabb. He who made light the burden of responsibility.
SECOND CHANCE-some people is worth the second chance.
A contact with a long lost contact, who in the past, used to bully me into following her whim and fancy. A person, who has a strong mind of her own, and practically undefeatable. So, i was angry with her, so i distanced myself. Knowing how easy she could persuade me into doing anything she wanted, i avoided her. Because i didn't like her bossy attitude. And because, she seemed to always have this idea in her head that it was easy to pushed me around and took advantage of me. Until 1 incident, where i was really mad and decided to be frank about it. my feeling and how she had hurt me. Learning from another experience previously, from another person, i decided to take my stand. and i was right about taking my stand. at least, she stopped trying to hassle me with herself and what she thought best for other people. and i also found it in my heart to forgive her, and let the past be bygone. Only to remember, next time to be very careful of people's intention.
and there's this one guy who, at a time, seemed to be a real good friend to be with. And then something happened that regretfully changed the whole meaning of the friendship. I never knew whether he was really a friend to me, or if he was just using my presence to fill in empty spaces, while he was waiting for someone better. Which i realised not long after that: was never me. Oh, i was so broken hearted, i felt cheated, i felt played on, my confidence dropped, i was very sad and depressed. He never did feel anything for me. So, i moved on, which mean many teary nights and days-but i have to be strong. I didn't want to be someone's secret life. But, i also found it in my heart that i would like to forgive him. For whatever it is that didn't turn out right. For every pain that i ever feel. I wanted to be happy, i hope he also find it in his heart to forgive me.
There is just one person that i couldn't bring myself to forgive. Everytime i remembered her, all the humiliation, the pain, the friends i lost, the things she did that i never did to her, there's a smell of fresh blood to my wounded pride. Only the love of people who care for me that keeps me going strong. I wake up everyday with things i didnt know, and things i have to accept because nobody ever did give me the chance to explain myself. i am still wondering, of all the friendship, how can she?Ya Allah i still couldn't bring myself to forgive, but i surrender myself and mt hope to you Ya Allah. Hopefully in time, i would find it in my heart to forgive her.
Astaghfirullahal 'azim Ya Allah. I've sinned..
i have been managing my business quite well despite the busy-ness. I was able to provide notes for my classes, and was able to come up, all of a sudden, with games to finish off a two hour class. Alhamdulillah, the barakah of Ramadhan. Allah who made easy all my endeavours. He who inspires ideas into His Servant's mind. I'm so thankful for the realisation. Alhamdulillah ya Rabb. He who made light the burden of responsibility.
SECOND CHANCE-some people is worth the second chance.
A contact with a long lost contact, who in the past, used to bully me into following her whim and fancy. A person, who has a strong mind of her own, and practically undefeatable. So, i was angry with her, so i distanced myself. Knowing how easy she could persuade me into doing anything she wanted, i avoided her. Because i didn't like her bossy attitude. And because, she seemed to always have this idea in her head that it was easy to pushed me around and took advantage of me. Until 1 incident, where i was really mad and decided to be frank about it. my feeling and how she had hurt me. Learning from another experience previously, from another person, i decided to take my stand. and i was right about taking my stand. at least, she stopped trying to hassle me with herself and what she thought best for other people. and i also found it in my heart to forgive her, and let the past be bygone. Only to remember, next time to be very careful of people's intention.
and there's this one guy who, at a time, seemed to be a real good friend to be with. And then something happened that regretfully changed the whole meaning of the friendship. I never knew whether he was really a friend to me, or if he was just using my presence to fill in empty spaces, while he was waiting for someone better. Which i realised not long after that: was never me. Oh, i was so broken hearted, i felt cheated, i felt played on, my confidence dropped, i was very sad and depressed. He never did feel anything for me. So, i moved on, which mean many teary nights and days-but i have to be strong. I didn't want to be someone's secret life. But, i also found it in my heart that i would like to forgive him. For whatever it is that didn't turn out right. For every pain that i ever feel. I wanted to be happy, i hope he also find it in his heart to forgive me.
There is just one person that i couldn't bring myself to forgive. Everytime i remembered her, all the humiliation, the pain, the friends i lost, the things she did that i never did to her, there's a smell of fresh blood to my wounded pride. Only the love of people who care for me that keeps me going strong. I wake up everyday with things i didnt know, and things i have to accept because nobody ever did give me the chance to explain myself. i am still wondering, of all the friendship, how can she?Ya Allah i still couldn't bring myself to forgive, but i surrender myself and mt hope to you Ya Allah. Hopefully in time, i would find it in my heart to forgive her.
Astaghfirullahal 'azim Ya Allah. I've sinned..
Jul 28, 2012
Mum's birthday
Friday, 27th July.Mum's birthday.
My brothers and sisters threw a party for her.BBQ-ing and cake. At first they wanted to celebrate it at our new home, but we are still living at the old house, so they decided to just carry on with the party at our house.
i planned to buy mum a mobile phone, later when i have the time to go and check the phone meant for her. a few days before the party my father and brother were having an argument. My father are always like that. Never have any regard to his words. He never care whether it would hurt others. That's too bad when the subject is as hot headed as he is resulting very bad argument. Alhamdullilah, they teamed up well for the party.This was not the first time such thing happened. but at least, try to have respect for Ramadhan. Very suffocating indeed. I dont know, maybe it in in the gene. His side of the family often have big and explosive arguments, which sometimes were very childish and terrible. They speak whatever they wanted without any ounce of care of the consequence. My mum would ended up saying that she wished me and my siblings wouldn't end up like them. My mum's side of the family never have that kind of argument. Nobody disowned somebody, no one was ever chased out from home, no one was ever called brainless. Nobody was ever threatened with death. Always calm, ready to settle things without too much of a hassle.Even if some problem happened, there were always people who helped to patch things up. My father, my father. i really hate him when something like this happened. Especially if he was troubling mum. That's completely unacceptable! i only pray that this ramadhan would at least change him, if not so much, at least a bit. Huh, but i guess that's too much to expect. He is the main reason why i never thought of bringing other people into the family (like in marriage). i dont even believe it to be a good thing to do. I mean, who would want to be in an upside down, broken and mad family? No one. i am writing this down not because i'm being ungrateful, but, sometimes i feel regretful that some things are just beyond repair.
Ya Allah. Aku membalikkan segala sesuatu itu kepada perkiraan Mu ya Allah. Boleh jadi hambamu ini menyukai sesuatu, sedangkan ia tidak baik mengikut perkiraan Mu, maka Engkau jualah yang Maha Mengetahui. Boleh jadi hambaMu ini tidak menyukai akan sesuatu itu, sedangkan ia baik mengikut perkiraan Mu ya Allah, Engkaulah yang Maha Tahu.
Semoga Ramadhan ini membawa seribu hikmah kebaikan dan keinsafan. Amin.
My brothers and sisters threw a party for her.BBQ-ing and cake. At first they wanted to celebrate it at our new home, but we are still living at the old house, so they decided to just carry on with the party at our house.
i planned to buy mum a mobile phone, later when i have the time to go and check the phone meant for her. a few days before the party my father and brother were having an argument. My father are always like that. Never have any regard to his words. He never care whether it would hurt others. That's too bad when the subject is as hot headed as he is resulting very bad argument. Alhamdullilah, they teamed up well for the party.This was not the first time such thing happened. but at least, try to have respect for Ramadhan. Very suffocating indeed. I dont know, maybe it in in the gene. His side of the family often have big and explosive arguments, which sometimes were very childish and terrible. They speak whatever they wanted without any ounce of care of the consequence. My mum would ended up saying that she wished me and my siblings wouldn't end up like them. My mum's side of the family never have that kind of argument. Nobody disowned somebody, no one was ever chased out from home, no one was ever called brainless. Nobody was ever threatened with death. Always calm, ready to settle things without too much of a hassle.Even if some problem happened, there were always people who helped to patch things up. My father, my father. i really hate him when something like this happened. Especially if he was troubling mum. That's completely unacceptable! i only pray that this ramadhan would at least change him, if not so much, at least a bit. Huh, but i guess that's too much to expect. He is the main reason why i never thought of bringing other people into the family (like in marriage). i dont even believe it to be a good thing to do. I mean, who would want to be in an upside down, broken and mad family? No one. i am writing this down not because i'm being ungrateful, but, sometimes i feel regretful that some things are just beyond repair.
Ya Allah. Aku membalikkan segala sesuatu itu kepada perkiraan Mu ya Allah. Boleh jadi hambamu ini menyukai sesuatu, sedangkan ia tidak baik mengikut perkiraan Mu, maka Engkau jualah yang Maha Mengetahui. Boleh jadi hambaMu ini tidak menyukai akan sesuatu itu, sedangkan ia baik mengikut perkiraan Mu ya Allah, Engkaulah yang Maha Tahu.
Semoga Ramadhan ini membawa seribu hikmah kebaikan dan keinsafan. Amin.
Jul 27, 2012
The power of sweet smile
DING!DING!DING!
i feel so drained of energy. Yet works are mountain-high.
report here, report there.FRP untouched on my table. MC text lying somewhere.
-But a little eased off by someone at the stair with songkok, fusion of white and fuchsia shirt, black slack and a sweet smile, waiting . Enough to bring me back to life.
i feel so drained of energy. Yet works are mountain-high.
report here, report there.FRP untouched on my table. MC text lying somewhere.
-But a little eased off by someone at the stair with songkok, fusion of white and fuchsia shirt, black slack and a sweet smile, waiting . Enough to bring me back to life.
Jul 22, 2012
Oh my mind!
Second day of Ramadhan, Alhamdulillah. One of my friends remarked about what a blessing it is to be home on the first day of Ramadhan. im inclined to mention that this year is the eleventh time i'm fasting my first day of ramadhan away from home. Although, i would love to be around loved ones at time like this, im used to it by now. With all the technology, skype and all.Not bad.
Sometimes, i want to get involved in practically everything. there's a time that i would be impatient. Impatient for things to start, impatient for thing to end, impatient to know so many things, which is the cause of troubles. But i learn to keep a reasonable pace these lately.
i'm dreaming nonstop about works. keeps on dreaming about everything. My sleep is restless. i have to get all of them done. starting tomorrow, things are picking up in volume. i am afraid to take the first step. i am afraid of failure. keep thinking that, if i think and imagine about it constantly, it would turn out the way i want it to be. or better. But, it's a recipe for disaster really-if something goes the wrong way.i would be crushed. But still, i would try to go by the book. I mean, if you do things the right way, the chance of failure would be minimum if not zero. So, im looking for my best shot.
I'm a little bit out of the element, again for some things, but i know i'll manage. Insya Allah
Jul 20, 2012
Many Happy Things
45 things to be HAPPY about:
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake … (or vanilla … or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20-pound note in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Eye contact with a hot member of the opposite sex.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful/good looking.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies (and eating them…!).
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone’s face as they open a much-desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you’ve done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
taken from: I post You Read-Amazing Quotes.
Mum remarked about loving someone younger: is it possible at all for a girl so old to have a very young boyfriend? (in a tone that only a mum can do-i dont know whether it is a real question, or she doesn't like the idea).
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake … (or vanilla … or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20-pound note in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Eye contact with a hot member of the opposite sex.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful/good looking.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies (and eating them…!).
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone’s face as they open a much-desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you’ve done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
taken from: I post You Read-Amazing Quotes.
Mum remarked about loving someone younger: is it possible at all for a girl so old to have a very young boyfriend? (in a tone that only a mum can do-i dont know whether it is a real question, or she doesn't like the idea).
Jul 19, 2012
Almost Here
Friday is almost here. Having a headache. i was angry at so many people. 30 to be exact. First class, and already someone was crossing the line. I just hate getting angry but i feel that i need to tell them what i don't like to be done or repeated in my class. but outside of the class, im as cool as a cucumber. My mind get so worked up after that-which drained my whole energy. Very bad strategy, indeed.
Moral class started off quite well. there's a history geek in the class. So he kept on asking questions, just the way i liked it. Though, i am also afraid that i might sound political at some point. But, history, politic, social and moral are very related . can't just see one without the other.
i'm still finishing some of the scholarship work. to be honest, it is almost done. Except for the sesi kutipan on Monday.And the works that would come afterward. Still finishing loads of PNP related works. No sweat really.but focus, yes!
i have had so many tiring weeks than this week. so this one also, shall pass.
Insyaallah
Moral class started off quite well. there's a history geek in the class. So he kept on asking questions, just the way i liked it. Though, i am also afraid that i might sound political at some point. But, history, politic, social and moral are very related . can't just see one without the other.
i'm still finishing some of the scholarship work. to be honest, it is almost done. Except for the sesi kutipan on Monday.And the works that would come afterward. Still finishing loads of PNP related works. No sweat really.but focus, yes!
i have had so many tiring weeks than this week. so this one also, shall pass.
Insyaallah
Jul 15, 2012
Oh well,it goes without saying.
What a super busy monday it will be.
all of the unfinished businesses. i like the term "unfinished business".i like the finality.but i hate the baggages that are implied by the term. almost haunting.dreadful. Oh how i wish...Actually, i dont have any wish.im exaggerating. as usual.
Bad news. My phone has come to its final moment. my mum gave me the phone when i was doing practical in 2008. the fact that the phone is already an age beaten up one made me sad. it means new phone is in order. i love it dearly. it is a reminder of one very vulnerable moment in our life-mum, me and my siblings. it is a reminder of love and trust and 'being there for each other". No matter what, when it comes to things and people that mean so much to us, goodbye is always sad.
oh, the works. But i wouldn't enjoy what i'm doing without the busy-ness. Does that make me a workaholic? Well, it goes without saying.
one more before my closure: the not so fun thing of being with some one younger is-you can guess what they are up to, what's their next move and why.Oh yeah, i feel so ancient, yet i couldn't resist the charms.All the moves are so yesterday, dear. yet, i play along because it is fun.oh god, he must feel that i'm so vain.But how am i supposed to respond?
for the first time, without trying, i feel so damned perfect, and that's terribly insulting to him.i feel terrible.
So should i move forward, or just let it go?
all of the unfinished businesses. i like the term "unfinished business".i like the finality.but i hate the baggages that are implied by the term. almost haunting.dreadful. Oh how i wish...Actually, i dont have any wish.im exaggerating. as usual.
Bad news. My phone has come to its final moment. my mum gave me the phone when i was doing practical in 2008. the fact that the phone is already an age beaten up one made me sad. it means new phone is in order. i love it dearly. it is a reminder of one very vulnerable moment in our life-mum, me and my siblings. it is a reminder of love and trust and 'being there for each other". No matter what, when it comes to things and people that mean so much to us, goodbye is always sad.
oh, the works. But i wouldn't enjoy what i'm doing without the busy-ness. Does that make me a workaholic? Well, it goes without saying.
one more before my closure: the not so fun thing of being with some one younger is-you can guess what they are up to, what's their next move and why.Oh yeah, i feel so ancient, yet i couldn't resist the charms.All the moves are so yesterday, dear. yet, i play along because it is fun.oh god, he must feel that i'm so vain.But how am i supposed to respond?
for the first time, without trying, i feel so damned perfect, and that's terribly insulting to him.i feel terrible.
So should i move forward, or just let it go?
Jul 14, 2012
Oh dear Me!
The boredoom of the day!
i cleaned the house-as thorough as i could
i watched movies: Sherlock Holmes ( going down to a few movies of similar title produced in the past), the pink panther 2 (this one was really funny) and Camp Rock (hardly a movie).
i rearranged my clothes-tonnes of them, which gave me some ideas to mix match some them, and all my scarves. Wow, when did i buy all those things? Vast!
And went and cut my hair short. I feel so free..of hair!hahahaha. Strangely, it made me happy and light.and younger?and giddy?and smiley?and in love?if could translate my laughter into words, everyone else would be laughing like me too.(^________^)
and seriously, i have this craving of mud-chocolate cake again.would it be a bad idea to do it myself?i am or was pretty good with baking cake, actually. i just didn't want to do it in my "well-equipped" kitchen.too much complication.
oh dear, oh dear, oh dear..must i smile at everything i see?
i cleaned the house-as thorough as i could
i watched movies: Sherlock Holmes ( going down to a few movies of similar title produced in the past), the pink panther 2 (this one was really funny) and Camp Rock (hardly a movie).
i rearranged my clothes-tonnes of them, which gave me some ideas to mix match some them, and all my scarves. Wow, when did i buy all those things? Vast!
And went and cut my hair short. I feel so free..of hair!hahahaha. Strangely, it made me happy and light.and younger?and giddy?and smiley?and in love?if could translate my laughter into words, everyone else would be laughing like me too.(^________^)
and seriously, i have this craving of mud-chocolate cake again.would it be a bad idea to do it myself?i am or was pretty good with baking cake, actually. i just didn't want to do it in my "well-equipped" kitchen.too much complication.
oh dear, oh dear, oh dear..must i smile at everything i see?
Jul 12, 2012
What is in the name?
He was singing a song with the nicest voice, and i felt it with my heart.
He was smiling when he met me, and i couldn't help but looked into his eyes, and felt extremely shy.Like a school girl.Lost for words.
He was saying my name, another strange name that only he and me understood how strange and yet familiar at the same time.
I was not doing anything, second guessing, doubting and over thinking most of the time.
i was drown by his mere present and by each and every coincidence. By meeting.
I wished i could turn back the time, and be all that he ever expected and ever wanted in a girl.
i wished i was not as old as times, and as new as him so that i could still be someone he'd met in the street.
yet, i couldn't help but masked my fondness, out of i hope love for him, and respect.
i wish i could be anything but a nervous wreck and promise to BE for him.
He was talking to someone as he eyed me suspiciously, and i couldn't help the stirring of jealousy.
Wishful thinking, wishful thinking, wishful thinking.
Can you explain why i feel like smiling around you?
He was smiling when he met me, and i couldn't help but looked into his eyes, and felt extremely shy.Like a school girl.Lost for words.
He was saying my name, another strange name that only he and me understood how strange and yet familiar at the same time.
I was not doing anything, second guessing, doubting and over thinking most of the time.
i was drown by his mere present and by each and every coincidence. By meeting.
I wished i could turn back the time, and be all that he ever expected and ever wanted in a girl.
i wished i was not as old as times, and as new as him so that i could still be someone he'd met in the street.
yet, i couldn't help but masked my fondness, out of i hope love for him, and respect.
i wish i could be anything but a nervous wreck and promise to BE for him.
He was talking to someone as he eyed me suspiciously, and i couldn't help the stirring of jealousy.
Wishful thinking, wishful thinking, wishful thinking.
Can you explain why i feel like smiling around you?
Jul 10, 2012
I found someone!
This is just crazy. but i started to like someone again. A liking that i don't want to conceal. i didn't even try to. It makes me lighter and happier. Happy because he makes me laugh so hard, and he makes me want to be in a kind of relationship. Makes me feel young again.What the heck!But, i am also careful not to get into it so much. Cautious to not be too needy and desperate and suffocating.
Maybe the close proximity did it. But i don't care. i'm "in" willingly.
The best thing of all: it leads me to think that it's time i let go completely of the past. To forgive what was done, and to give myself a chance, to open up to someone new. To give a rest to people who might think that i depend too much on them for emotional support. With him, i think i can forgive anyone. i really do.
i believe i can do it. i pray that Allah made this easier for me. Insyaallah.
though, i couldn't really trust my everchanging feeling, but one must try, right?and it doesnt help that he is 6 years younger than me.
Oh, the feeling.Are you the answer to my prayer?
Maybe the close proximity did it. But i don't care. i'm "in" willingly.
The best thing of all: it leads me to think that it's time i let go completely of the past. To forgive what was done, and to give myself a chance, to open up to someone new. To give a rest to people who might think that i depend too much on them for emotional support. With him, i think i can forgive anyone. i really do.
i believe i can do it. i pray that Allah made this easier for me. Insyaallah.
though, i couldn't really trust my everchanging feeling, but one must try, right?and it doesnt help that he is 6 years younger than me.
Oh, the feeling.Are you the answer to my prayer?
Jul 8, 2012
of Belief
This is a mind blowing interview of Brian May,(Phd.) the guitarist of Queen. A man of science, who has a very interesting opinion and elaboration of life. Although, some people might find this controversial, but for a literature grad like me, i cherished his point of view. He is a free thinker, and doesn't subscribed to any organized religion. But that is beside the point. In my opinion, we have to view this according to our own understanding based on our respective religious values and understanding. Thinking back of how our generation remained stagnant intelligent-wise after the period of great educational and civilization discovery is because we refused to listen to other people's point of view which might reinforce our own faith. we closed our mind in fear that we would be influenced by what we hear and see. But the way of educating and strengthening our belief and wisdom is by being able to understand and differentiate what we hear and see.
When i heard him talking about the universe and how things are going about for him, i understand what he meant. It is almost Islamic! (depends on how well your background information is about your religion).
Some things are not meant to just be looked at superficially. some things are philosophical in nature. This one give me a new meaning to my own understanding of myself and my belief.
i enjoyed the thoughts and the discussion in this vid. I love the essence of the discussion. When he talked about the loneliness and emptiness he felt after every scientific and psychological discovery, I pray that Allah guides him to His Path, as only He has the Supreme power to do. " Kun fayakun".
i was so very moved with this one. May Allah guides us all to His right path. May Allah protect us from ignorance. May Allah lights our entire path with His blessing and mercy. Insyaallah biiznillah.
Jul 6, 2012
Happiness in a nutshell
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| i don't normally posed for picture.im too shy for that. But, i found out that these lately, i just love being expressive in whatever i do. I love this pic so much. Too bad, it cant be put up as my profile pic in social domain. Taken while waiting for the late caterer-who-made-the participants-in a volunteer program-i joined-waited -for hours-without-feeling-guilty-or-apologizing-came running..Huh, there's no excuse for insensitivity. Especially when you have no regards for OKU people. Just because they are blind, it doesn't mean that they have to put up with your couldn't-care-less attitude. |
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| A group of my lecturer friends who joined the program A-Team& Jawatankuasa Perwakilan Pelajar Community Service in Kapit. We shared the jokes and the hardworks. Happy. |
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| Aahh, this was the famous Mr. Romli and Ms. Rogayah. This one made me laughed harder. By the way, i'm 6 years older..Too bad hah?huhu |
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| My first try of kayaking. i would say-very bad.hahahaha.I am the lead, and my partner is one of the total blind participant. It was hard because we certainly speak different language than the one they'r used to. In a way, it really humbled a person. You learned to appreciate what you have. How thankful to be able to see. How wonderful. They are so happy and accepting, it made you feel guilty of what you have. Many things were learned and understood. I told Romli that, there is a point in a person's life where she is able to do anything she put her mind into. And i'm at the stage where, i can do many things that would, previously, be impossible for me to do. But Life is now here. Life is meant to be experience! Ya Rabbi, Alhamdulillah for the chance to witness and be part of this wonderful experience surrounded by happy and positive people. O Allah, who made easy all endeavours. |
Jun 30, 2012
Twisted in my eyes
Very twisted message. Some might find this sweet. I hate that the boy started by asking questions that signify violence. And yes this cartoon image showed accurately the nature of how boys sweet talked and silenced the rebellious tendency of the girls. Yes, girls. Their expertise are sweet talking. The girl's silence might be interpreted as softening up towards the boy. But, sometimes us girls, when we are silent, it doesn't mean that we're owned by that. We just don't know how to answer back to question like that. We want the answer to be perfect-no matter how bitchy we are, when it comes to the ops gender and emotions- everytime we try to cushioned the impact. So this image, for a grown up girl like me is provocative. Because, it suggested that, the girls are weakling at heart. So now, does it makes me a feminist? well, i proudly am.
Young girls would love this, after all it seems to be a very innocent question.
Jun 28, 2012
The ramble of a sleepy horsewoman
I can't sleep. even after a mug of horlick.
I'm tired but my mind can't stop thinking and thinking about so many trivial things.Help,this has to stop!
i want to sleep!
What to do tomorrow
a) emailing and gathering audit evidences for the auditor.
b) Ask about the volunteer program-which my boss selected me and two of my friends to be a part of-to the PET
c) Call PT's officer about her mistake of sending in document to irrelevant people. Today, i managed to laugh (out of politeness) when other colleagues started "bangang-ing" the PT officer. Mistake like that happened. However, she could've save herself from such "bangang-ing" episode should she ask first. Lesson learned: don't be rash in making any decision especially when it concerned other people, or you will suffer the consequence. Nevertheless, i hate saying words like that ; such a disturbing effect to the mind.
Having said all of that, i have one more trip to Kapit next week. The Whole Week infact. but i was thinking of withdrawing because i have much more pressing matters here with my small unit. i don't want to sort of drop everything else just to enjoy something else. i had been there, anyway. I also have officially withdrawn myself from Minggu Suai Kenal. i don't think i have the time. I was extremely busy last semester, especially in the middle until the end of semester.i was here and there. So this time, a lot smarter and wiser, i decided to let other people do it. (^___^).
What of the title: suddenly i was thinking about Sleepy Hollow: The headless horseman. I chose the title, maybe, probably because of the word sleepy-other things are just my twisted mind speaking out of turn again.hahaha
im sleepy, after all.
*Rasa mati tanpa kamera*-quoted from Mr.Tarmizi Shukri (I feel you, Mr.Shukri..)
*Rasa mati tanpa kamera*-quoted from Mr.Tarmizi Shukri (I feel you, Mr.Shukri..)
Jun 26, 2012
Mission Accomplished: Bucket's list no.1
Here is the first accomplishment of my bucket's list...Climb a Mountain..Yeayyy!!!!!
What you need for mountain climbing:
a) Mental & physical preparation
b) appropriate attire
c) First aid thingy
d) Pocket knife, torch light, gloves
e) food- chocolate, isotonic drink, drinking water (whatever that easy to carry & can give energy)
Well, here we are...
"Abang-abang yang baik hati"
"team yang highly motivated and extremely exuberant"
Sebelum dan selepas naik (atas dan bawah) energy gembira tetap maintain.peace y'all.(^__^)
Atas: infront of me is my kind boss. a few times waited for me along the way.
Bawah: 2 hours 30 mins that felt like forever...
Dont you think that the map is a stereotype? The mountain you drew in kindergarten?Haha. I half expected Fred Flinstone to come out from somewhere-maybe because of the rocky surface. Jokingly, of course.
Pics ini tidak menggambarkan betapa mengujakan Eksplorasi Santubong ini. Walaupun begitu, saya akan secara seriusnya berjogging sekiranya saya harus mendaki gunung lagi.hehe. It was one heck of a climb! But the satisfaction, awesome! Felt like floating because of all the endorphin.
But i officially cancelled my idea of mountain climbing during my honey moon. know what, while it is romantic, it would be too tiring and non practical, maybe?Find something better to do AZ! hahaha...
What you need for mountain climbing:
a) Mental & physical preparation
b) appropriate attire
c) First aid thingy
d) Pocket knife, torch light, gloves
e) food- chocolate, isotonic drink, drinking water (whatever that easy to carry & can give energy)
Well, here we are...
Bawah: 2 hours 30 mins that felt like forever...
Dont you think that the map is a stereotype? The mountain you drew in kindergarten?Haha. I half expected Fred Flinstone to come out from somewhere-maybe because of the rocky surface. Jokingly, of course.
But i officially cancelled my idea of mountain climbing during my honey moon. know what, while it is romantic, it would be too tiring and non practical, maybe?Find something better to do AZ! hahaha...
Jun 25, 2012
Long and Overdue
Have been busy. i wanted to update my Santubong Trip, but i dont have the pics, in the process of stealing some from my friends. maybe later. Stealing game is complicated.hehehe
Im a bit upset these lately. i have been doing loads of somebody else's fair share of works. everyone else is busy and doing that and this. The problem is their works never settled on time. Long after i've finished mine. That's terribly upsetting. That's terribly annoying. I have been doing what i feel is right for my team, and none of that mattered to them. Buat kerja sikit berkiranya banyak. Buat kerja sikit bising sebab kena buat itu ini. Hey, that's not fair. i have been doing tonnes of work as well. i teach, i do the scholarship work, the quality work, the documents. Kalau i kaki komplen, i have loads of rubbish coming out from my mouth. But, complaining drains energy and makes one tired. i rather be doing things, get it settled, than complaint about so many so called unfairness.
i have this notion of not expecting anyone to be this and that, but after sometimes it becomes really tiring and bored. Everyone is oh so..huh
Im a bit upset these lately. i have been doing loads of somebody else's fair share of works. everyone else is busy and doing that and this. The problem is their works never settled on time. Long after i've finished mine. That's terribly upsetting. That's terribly annoying. I have been doing what i feel is right for my team, and none of that mattered to them. Buat kerja sikit berkiranya banyak. Buat kerja sikit bising sebab kena buat itu ini. Hey, that's not fair. i have been doing tonnes of work as well. i teach, i do the scholarship work, the quality work, the documents. Kalau i kaki komplen, i have loads of rubbish coming out from my mouth. But, complaining drains energy and makes one tired. i rather be doing things, get it settled, than complaint about so many so called unfairness.
i have this notion of not expecting anyone to be this and that, but after sometimes it becomes really tiring and bored. Everyone is oh so..huh
Jun 14, 2012
Another goodbye
Another friend is moving away. Sad but a happy occasion for her. Im happy for her. So there is justice and fairness in this world.:o)
it is sad though. After moving out, it will be a new start all together. Whatever you know before would be put to test or keep in the cupboard afterward. But, better look at the positive side:o)
well, when it's time, it's time.
it is sad though. After moving out, it will be a new start all together. Whatever you know before would be put to test or keep in the cupboard afterward. But, better look at the positive side:o)
well, when it's time, it's time.
Jun 12, 2012
Random desire to ramble the titbits...
i love writing so much despite of the fact that i have nothing to write about.
Update, update.
Im going to Santubong this weekend with a group of my lecturer friends. i never in a million years ever imagined that i would climb any mountain. This would be my first. Hopefully everything goes well. we, me and my good friend had started our jogging session since saturday after postponing it several times. My ankle is a little hurt, but i guess in time it would be okay. Ironically, i have been living close to mount kinabalu almost all my life, and the first mountain i climb is mount Santubong?hahaha. Kinabalu is next on the list (probably)hahaha.
My progression has been quite slow with works. but everyday i make sure that at least i tick off one or two things from my list of to do things. i don't want to procrastinate. The more i do, the easier the works are done. i like the feeling of completing tasks. Such satisfaction. i don't really mind the piling works actually. i like the busy-ness. i like that i wake up everyday with something to take care of. Something to do. i also don't like the ideas of leaving any work (should i leave in the future) to be left abandoned. at least, those who succeed me know what to do, which direction to go. So, im trying everyday. To make me feel better actually.
Things are better ( i hope) with my friend. not 100% better, but mending probably. i'm tired of playing mind games. i'm dropping the issues here-which means in the future i would no longer be bothered if or when he is ok or not ok. i'm going to let it be normal. i don't want to read any expression, i don't to read too much into anything, don't want to side him in anything, don't want to show that i care, don't want to have anything to do with him. Just tired of being and trying to be nice. it's breaking my heart to million pieces to care too much about someone who dont understand that i do care. or understand that i care, and dont even give a damned. i'm tired of trying actually, to no good use. So, it has to stop. But my feeling remain. it is true that: he is the nicest guy i've ever known, the one person that i trust and love so much. But life has to go on.
Not much happening today. Quite many moving experience. At least, one and two humbling experience: my boss and my friend. I'll keep them in mind for safekeeping. But,you wouldn't believe how much confidence they gave me.Thank you Allah, for all the goodness of today.
Jun 11, 2012
Wishing again
i missed studying so much. Especially when it comes to literature class, the analysing, the discussion and all. i wish i could further study in literature-my commercial english classes, which i teach now has nothing to do with analysing at all. a little bit of discourse, psycoanalysis and sociolinguistics. But that's all. And im not being ungrateful, but sometimes, i miss those old times- the discussion especially. the presentation. i was trying to encourage my students to be more outspoken in class. But after a few sentences, i get bored. i dont see the confidence or the passion. i really love to have a sparring mate in conversation. The low level of english somewhat hampers my progression in class, because i have to be very basic in speaking. And that's tiring. That's why i have all the unnecessary presentations in my class. i'm looking for the passions. Which maybe a little too much to ask for.hmm
I'm not perfect, but that's the challenge actually. To challenge yourself in every way possible.
i longed for that environment where you can actually use the language days in and days out.i really longed for that.
Jun 8, 2012
Ombak Rindu
i'm bored, so im taking the advantage of free viewing on youtube and watched Ombak Rindu-the last on my lists.
I have been postponing watching the movie because i don't want to ruin my imagination and the feeling i had when i read the novel years ago. Knowing what to expect, what would be there and how, i just cant bear the traumatisation. haha. to put it in big word.
After watching it, well some of my fears didn't even materialized. the movie was upside down different from the book. a great directing, probably. I cant even remember what i read from the book. The plot was there but the way they put it into moving picture was simply amazing.i didn't cry except for some heavy feeling with loathing because of the violence. It was so horrifying to be in the situation where you are in imminent danger of being battered everytime. it was so horrifying. Nightmare of every woman, i could guarantee that. I dont like the insecurity. i dont like the secrecy. Most of all, i hate it that the happiness, if were ever any is depicted in a very horrible state. But then, probably that way, it makes us feel grateful for the simple and happy life we dont need to fight for to get.
Second of all, at first, i couldn't really agree that Maya karin was chosen for "Izzah". too mature!but now i understand why. In my opinion the character was very innocent, and melancholic and also very submissive, but yet watching Maya Karin brought Izzah into life, something struck me as very true. The character needs someone who portrayed tremendous maturity in personality. And Maya hits the notes just fine. Very fine indeed. For someone who had been bombarded with all the madness, we need someone who can actually carry out the expression in person as well as in gesture. I love what i see in her. And also, there are like tonnes of X-rated scenes: it wouldnt be an easy challenge to do when all eyes were on you. If Lisa were "Izzah", then it would be so much more awkward-non experience etc. but Maya Karin: looks convincing. i was thinking, jokingly of course, that it would be easier to do for Aaron and Maya for an obvious reason-experience.i was ashamed to state my reason, which i would leave it to one's imagination to interpret it. (being naughty ;p)
I won't deny one thing though: Aaron Aziz is just so damned manly. i always love manly guy. i like the feeling of being protected and taken care of. I love the "weight" in his personality, the way he carry himself. Mostly, i love the maturity. I have this very funny imagination: that when he hold my hand, his hand would be bigger than mine, and when he hold me in his arm or hug me, i would fit nicely in his two strong arms. This imagination is not about Aaron Aziz. this is my wishful thinking of what i want my guy to have. So funny:o)..i still prefer the traditional description of man. the strong, dependable and protective types. i dont go for metero. Well, speaking of too much info:D
But then, come to think of it, i never really care for looks. It's the personality that always turns me on. Without failing.
Ombak Rindu is a good movie to watch. it might make one feels happy or sad, but heck life is that. and after all, it was just a movie. Don't take it to the heart.
I have been postponing watching the movie because i don't want to ruin my imagination and the feeling i had when i read the novel years ago. Knowing what to expect, what would be there and how, i just cant bear the traumatisation. haha. to put it in big word.
After watching it, well some of my fears didn't even materialized. the movie was upside down different from the book. a great directing, probably. I cant even remember what i read from the book. The plot was there but the way they put it into moving picture was simply amazing.i didn't cry except for some heavy feeling with loathing because of the violence. It was so horrifying to be in the situation where you are in imminent danger of being battered everytime. it was so horrifying. Nightmare of every woman, i could guarantee that. I dont like the insecurity. i dont like the secrecy. Most of all, i hate it that the happiness, if were ever any is depicted in a very horrible state. But then, probably that way, it makes us feel grateful for the simple and happy life we dont need to fight for to get.
Second of all, at first, i couldn't really agree that Maya karin was chosen for "Izzah". too mature!but now i understand why. In my opinion the character was very innocent, and melancholic and also very submissive, but yet watching Maya Karin brought Izzah into life, something struck me as very true. The character needs someone who portrayed tremendous maturity in personality. And Maya hits the notes just fine. Very fine indeed. For someone who had been bombarded with all the madness, we need someone who can actually carry out the expression in person as well as in gesture. I love what i see in her. And also, there are like tonnes of X-rated scenes: it wouldnt be an easy challenge to do when all eyes were on you. If Lisa were "Izzah", then it would be so much more awkward-non experience etc. but Maya Karin: looks convincing. i was thinking, jokingly of course, that it would be easier to do for Aaron and Maya for an obvious reason-experience.i was ashamed to state my reason, which i would leave it to one's imagination to interpret it. (being naughty ;p)
I won't deny one thing though: Aaron Aziz is just so damned manly. i always love manly guy. i like the feeling of being protected and taken care of. I love the "weight" in his personality, the way he carry himself. Mostly, i love the maturity. I have this very funny imagination: that when he hold my hand, his hand would be bigger than mine, and when he hold me in his arm or hug me, i would fit nicely in his two strong arms. This imagination is not about Aaron Aziz. this is my wishful thinking of what i want my guy to have. So funny:o)..i still prefer the traditional description of man. the strong, dependable and protective types. i dont go for metero. Well, speaking of too much info:D
But then, come to think of it, i never really care for looks. It's the personality that always turns me on. Without failing.
Ombak Rindu is a good movie to watch. it might make one feels happy or sad, but heck life is that. and after all, it was just a movie. Don't take it to the heart.
Jun 5, 2012
The next step before "Exit"
Time off from bloggerland. I dont want to keep posting how sore a loser i am. Loser here means-i lost something, and not "loser" as in losing. Besides, i hardly had times to think about anything when i'm home. i just enjoyed the limited times.
Long journey too from home..
I finally come to doing the thing that i have keep on postponing. I finally have the courage to do, and not wait for any magic. I finally did what i supposed to be doing a long time ago. I pray that Allah made easy my endeavour. If it fails, well at least, i've turned the last key. If not, then i have to learn to accept what's in front of me. With gratitude.Complete acceptance. And this time, i feel relieved of huge rocks. and hope that this is my last journey out of town. And i'll be around for my family onwards. InsyaAllah.
A little sadness in my heart. i don't know how to tell few good friends of mine about my current progression. i guess it should remain a secret until it becomes official. Many times i have to remind myself to be moderate in my expectation. You never know anything for sure until it materialises, right? Still, it gives me hope that everything would be in its place soon. Would be better for me. I've wasted my times already trying to figure out what's wrong with me, denying myself a chance to move on. I was busy being someone that i hoped could atone for other people's blind side. I come back with a determination and confidence to do things that i love. Before the exit. And stop being the victim of my insecurity. There.Feel Good.
i would miss some of my friends here. But, then i couldn't stay here forever. That would be a mad thing to do.
InsyaAllah.If Allah wills it, it will be.
Prayerful.
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