rambles..

Today is the perhimpunan bulanan.and i still think that the best assembly was the one organized by the Commerce Dept.they managed to lighten up the mood.that's why i think i think it was the best perhimpunan so far.well, today is just an ordinary perhimpunan.with some points to cheer on. i love perhimpunan, because you get to meet many people.
some points mentioned by the TP interests me. First is about the opportunity to further study.Secondly, he mentioned about how much politeknik resembles sekolah menengah.and how we should help to change the perception.
Iam really interested about doing an action research that will contribute to the betterment of PNP in general.i think, as a teacher or academician,it comes naturally.you planned your PNP everday,and see how much of the strategies you use are applicable in the teaching process.Teachers are creative people because they are dealing with everchanging subject-the students. When i start teaching, i am stimulated by the challenge of knowing what to do in various situation,knowing how to act and predicting whatever consequences from the action taken.My interest is more to educational psychology-because when you know what you're dealing with, it makes everything less alarming.
When the TP mentioned about the fact that people actually confused politeknik and sekolah menengah,i got answer ready in my head. It was in the establishment.We are treating ourselves and the students like we are in sekolah menengah.We hardly give them a fair chance to prove their values.we controlled everything including their exam grades.We treat them like they are school children. Of course, some disciplines, we cant but must internalize but it shouldnt be in a way akin to that of sekolah menengah.After all, the students are big enough to try to control everything.But probably, we think that we know best.and that we can handle everything by grilling all of the values inside their head.what about the human aspects?what about being more liberal and try any other method?but again it is up to individual.we couldnt possibly ask anybody to think about it the way we think it. So, guess we must do our part of the deeds and other people to theirs.
when i first came here, i was inspired by one very creative person. I like the way he looked at things, and like the way he handled his students. Full of wisdom.and i am still inspired by that until now. i hope i can be as good as him.
the best thing about him, is that he doesnt try to be like other people.He is such a natural, such an original person.he didint drill, or grill, or talk bad.just give a straightforward feedback.and i cant resist that quality.very appealing.
when i discussed him with my friend, she seemed to be not interested.so i keep quiet,keeping my awe as my motivation to be a better teacher.he is one of a kind.which will mean a terrible lost to the education system if he ever think of quitting.
i am such a sucker for kindness and wisdom.but there are times that i forgot my aim-to do what i can to be the "improvement"-and not be tired doing it.Definitely, there are a lot of things to learn.
for instance-grammar..huhu(i seriously think that i need revision on this particular aspect-it sucks!)

My bestmate and I

this is kind of queer.but i notice that usually when today is a good day for my bestmate and i, the next day would be the opposite. if we laughed a lot today, tomorrow, we will start picking on each other. The happy feeling usually evaporated after the first two days. and afterward, it's going to be weird sitting next to one another.
To tell the truth, it disarmed me.it's pretty confusing.probably because i am not ready for the change in environment.previously i even think that it might be moodiness..but im not sure about that.The real danger of observation is that you see too many things that people do not mention.so you become unsure of your next move-whether to believe the observation or pretend you dont know a thing.usually i just kept quiet.
and one more thing is-when i read my previous writing, i never write about happy moments with him.though there are quite a number of them.
i am strucked by the realisation today-while we were sitting and talking while waiting for the clock to strike 4.30pm today.

Before It's Too Late

a conversation with a friend today,get me thinking about something.
My teacher once said, that if you do not enjoy what you do, and you cant do nothing but complaint about bad timing,unfair life and bla bla bla bla,you might as well quit.You wouldnt be of any use to anybody.
i seriously think that it is a gross generalization to say that nobody is better than those people whom you are close to.you only feel that because you didnt try to really look at other people.Too damned buried in your own world to even care.
we always try to improve our situation,for our own good.
when it comes to the time when you can only feel negative feeling in the end of the day,then you should really reconsider your life..or your way of thinking.
im happy with everything, and wouldnt want it to be any other way around...;o)

my dear darling baby

oh yeah.the meaning of my life.His name is Alif,1 year and 4 months. the love of my life.the only hope when everything comes tumbling down.the only reason in madness,the smile to our face.nakal,manja,comel.everything a person ask for.
Nobody in the family ever expected that we will have a new baby brother after 12 years.he came in a very tiny 2.6kg.nothing but a towel and the cloth he was wearing-on a rainy 20th of April.
since then,many things had changed.about him and us.personally.humanly.everytime i think of him,i regret the time i lost for not being around and seeing his development from day to day.
my heart goes out for him, for everything that he might feel and know later in life.For everything that we can never be able to replace for him.For anything that we could never fight for him.we will do our best for him. Infact, we have already sacrificed everything..
Although, some facts just cant be changed, but we love him unconditionally.regadless.

"Ya Allah, tiadalah kekuatan melainkan Engkau.Peliharalah kami dari kejahatan hati dan Kelemahan akal kami,gangguan jin dan syaitan,serta godaan nafsu.Peliharalah kami daripada apa yang tidak kami ketahui. Ya Allah, Engkau lebih mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk hambaMu, kepadaMu kami berserah diri,KepadaMu kami berserah diri,kepadaMu kami berserah diri. Bantulah kami,Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim.."Amin

Desperate for human contact

Yes,you read it right.i m desperate to talk to someone.it’s very boring after one week of working.to actually spend the time idling at home. I settled the chores on Friday night.in the morning I went for my MUET tuition class, and when I came back, cooked my lunch. A very healthy non oil lunch…huhu
That’s why I loved going to MUET class.it gives me some semblance of normality.there are people to talk to.and when I come back home?Nobody!!
My superior asked me, well she actually invited asked me to go out with her and her boyfriend..but what am I going to do then? Jadi Racun nyamuk?urgh..unthinkable.so I smartly declined,;o) I will not fit in. spend the day flipping through channels on TV.Nothing interesting! And the broadband is a real pain in the a**.
Whatever..


BOOORINGGG


I called my mum, called my brothers, and my sister.but still, it was only for a short period of time.
Whatever will happen on Sunday???!!!


I don’t know.


I don’t know.


Urgh!


To think of everything now,I used to be that girl who loves being alone,spending time alone, doing my own thing.im not sure where that girl is…hmm
But probably the key word is “doing things”.and I have nothing to do since after lunch.i just vegged out in front of this boring 21’ box. Desperately trying to “relax". Desperately...Desperately...

my kitchen

My kitchen is in a mess!
i dont know what happened to my kitchen but i think im gonna need more than hot water,Bleach,bicarbonate powder and salt!
it started last week when my aunt came stayed in my house for the convo.Actually, before my aunt came,the sink had shown sign of clogging. the water would fill up the sink for a good five minutes before it went down.and i guess im still ok with it.at least it went down.Given the number of times i actually use my kitchen,it was pretty surprising that it get clogged.
So last time,when i came home from the office, the kitchen floor was wet-either from the moping or probably because the water from the sink overflowed and it wet the floor.im not sure which one.But there were waters in several parts of the kitchen.the mate i put near the kitchen door was thoroughly wet, and it was put outside of the kitchen.a pail was put near the door to the kitchen.and the mop itself was put against the railing at the verandah of my kitchen.everything was wet!and i was in the kitchen for a glass of water-innocently-when all sorts of theories attack my mind.i was quite taken aback by the scenario.
Before i can say anything, my aunt started.She followed me to the kitchen,explained how she cleaned the pipe below the sink so as to prevent it from clogging.and showed me which pipe she had "operated".but she pointed me to the water in the sink that wont go down.stuck there.and said that she didnt kow why but usually what she done earlier during the day-whatever it is-never failed.i responded with a bewildered "oh".i dont know what to say.
and now,it is really problematic because, the water stucked there.i have to clean up manually.and if i let it be,it could stay there forever.it really stressed me out.after my aunt went home,i started cleaning up up my kitchen.but it never been the same again.it can make me moody just to enter my kitchen.
i know she meant well, and i appreciate the help,but no thank you.i was not asking for help.please let me do it on my own.Please just leave it to be my problem.please dont touch anything.i know im a bit of a freak when it comes to handling my own business,and i know that now for sure.i'll ask if i need help.
otherwise,dont troubled yourself,thank you.

good is good

just finished a 3-hour presentation for my sem 3 students.for 2 classes of course.i felt real sleepy during the presentation.but just as soon as i hit the office,i immediately recovered.iam a little disappointed because i expected a more stylish presentation from these students.but just one group pull it through.the rest..huh.they were reading the text all the times.and i was sitting closer to the window,and it was really cold, wind and rain some more-i was off wondering into my darkest imagination!
there are piles of paper on my desk-which need to be taken care of before other things come up.but i just dont have the 'might' to do it.mentally and physically.but i will do it sooner or later.Yesterday, i almost panic because i thought i mixed up the papers. and that i might completely lost track of everything.luckily,nothing as dire as that happen.it just that, i seriously need to do some unpiling activity,return the papers to the students, arrange my desk neatly...before i get stuck trying to find where everything is.
i finally gave out the teacher evaluation form to my SKM students.the comments they gave were quite positive-that im ok but i have to do something more so that my PNP will be better in the future.nice.i actually thought they would give lots of childish comments.but it turned out that they didnt.im glad i actually give them the form-to actually preach about not being a bias and actually demonstrate it through our everyday action..well.it feels good.
this morning i woke up late, so i have to do sort of walkathon to the office.walking as fast i could..at times like this,my motivation is really geared to go and get driving licence sooner,so i can buy my own car-because nobody seems to give a damn this morning-seeing me walking and running at the same time.but what's new about that?so i came down to the office feeling a little let down,and i never expect my students will be my saviour..they save me whatever gloomy feeling i harboured on my way to the office.Talk about practising what you preach.:o(
i just thought there is no limit to doing good deeds.i never realise that it was just an ideal point to talk over coffee..so i expect too much.

The Inevitable

the inevitable is...i'm losing ground because i expect too much..

the ache in my heart

berasa biru kerana merindui si kecil yang jauh di rumah.
sepanjang hari semalam memikirkan dia.mak saya suruh ambil cuti untuk majlis perkahwinan makcik saya akhir November ini.saya keberatan.Bukan sebab tidak suka.Tapi pertemuan yang sekejap dengan si kecil itu nanti akan buat saya lebih rindu dia.
akhirnya kerana perasaan yang membuak-buak itu,panggilan lewat malam itu pun berlaku.tapi,dia sudah tidur pula...huh.benda pemanggil ini pula mempunyai masalah daya ketahanan.sekejap nyala,sekejap padam.geram!
Lewat solat semalam,tidak henti-henti doa mudah-mudahan Allah memelihara dia dan sentiasa berada di bawah rahman dan rahim-NYa.itulah saja yang termampu buat.Sangat jauh untuk sampai dengan jasad.Doa lebih cepat.Insya Allah.
Walaupun begitu,saya rasa lega sikit sebab adik perempuan saya temankan saya berbual.sekurang-kurangnya,kita tahu.semua orang dalam keadaan yang baik.
lama betul tidak nangis macam semalam.dan selepas nangis tu perasaan lebih lega.bukan saja perasaan yang berkait dengan dia.tapi tentang semua.semua sudah terbasuh dengan airmata yang tidak dapat ditahan-tahan lagi.
huh.selepas itu,tidur dengan nyenyak.;o)

be it so

Dearest i say,
if i bored you,
just go.
if i irritate you,
just go.
if im not the best pal for you,
just go.
then i lost your friendship,
be it so.

thought and feeling

busy as busy can be.many things to do.assignments to mark.assignment to be given out.have to update many things.just for the sake of making things run smoother.somehow,i find solace in that.i can lost myself doing it.i was marking assignment.a simple one really.i was marking assignment intending to just look at the main ideas.and i ended up looking at the language aspect.it made me shook my head in helplessness, and made me smile at the same time.that's the beauty of it.i begin to feel deeply in love.and it gives me purpose.i love the feeling of challenging my notion about myself.knowing that i can do and iam different from what i believe i am. i am practically happy.
though i feel disturbed about something.and today,i am pretty angry about it.i try not to care about what other people said about me.But the more i gnore it,the more he wants to see me crawl inside.i wonder, why he wants to put off the smile of my face.i am not sure which parts of him that hurts..or probably i begin to think about it too seriously.i m not sure.but if things were said more than once, and in many different ways,u begin to feel hurt and angry about it.i was hurt because i feel that he is trying to find fault with me.as if nothing i do is right.as if i cant do anything right.i dont know what is the intention-whether to get my attention or to drive me away.the way everything goes, i guess it's the later...
well,if that's the best for everyone,i guess i need to relocate.i couldnt stand being in an uncomfortable situation with anyone when there is no obvious reason.i just dont need that. oh well, there is one vacant place somewhere in the office...
im reading a book "the story of you" by steve chandler-something that helps me to be positive, to stay positive and create a positive energy for myself in everyday life.
So, insyaallah i m going to be just fine.

pissed off

that somebody is mean enough to try to hurt my confidence .and is mean enough to suggest that im too desperate to find a companion after a breakup.
FYI:that's not me.i dont need to add anybody in my life to make me feel happy.No,thank you.
enough said.

Auguries of Innocence

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage.

A dove-house fill'd with doves and pigeons
Shudders hell thro' all its regions.
A dog starv'd at his master's gate
Predicts the ruin of the state.

A horse misused upon the road
Calls to heaven for human blood.
Each outcry of the hunted hare
A fibre from the brain does tear.

A skylark wounded in the wing,
A cherubim does cease to sing.
The game-cock clipt and arm'd for fight
Does the rising sun affright.

Every wolf's and lion's howl
Raises from hell a human soul.

The wild deer, wand'ring here and there,
Keeps the human soul from care.
The lamb misus'd breeds public strife,
And yet forgives the butcher's knife.

The bat that flits at close of eve
Has left the brain that won't believe.
The owl that calls upon the night
Speaks the unbeliever's fright.

He who shall hurt the little wren
Shall never be belov'd by men.
He who the ox to wrath has mov'd
Shall never be by woman lov'd.

The wanton boy that kills the fly
Shall feel the spider's enmity.
He who torments the chafer's sprite
Weaves a bower in endless night.

The caterpillar on the leaf
Repeats to thee thy mother's grief.
Kill not the moth nor butterfly,
For the last judgement draweth nigh.

He who shall train the horse to war
Shall never pass the polar bar.
The beggar's dog and widow's cat,
Feed them and thou wilt grow fat.

The gnat that sings his summer's song
Poison gets from slander's tongue.
The poison of the snake and newt
Is the sweat of envy's foot.

The poison of the honey bee
Is the artist's jealousy.

The prince's robes and beggar's rags
Are toadstools on the miser's bags.
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.

It is right it should be so;
Man was made for joy and woe;
And when this we rightly know,
Thro' the world we safely go.

Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine.
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.

The babe is more than swaddling bands;
Every farmer understands.
Every tear from every eye
Becomes a babe in eternity;

This is caught by females bright,
And return'd to its own delight.
The bleat, the bark, bellow, and roar,
Are waves that beat on heaven's shore.

The babe that weeps the rod beneath
Writes revenge in realms of death.
The beggar's rags, fluttering in air,
Does to rags the heavens tear.

The soldier, arm'd with sword and gun,
Palsied strikes the summer's sun.
The poor man's farthing is worth more
Than all the gold on Afric's shore.

One mite wrung from the lab'rer's hands
Shall buy and sell the miser's lands;
Or, if protected from on high,
Does that whole nation sell and buy.

He who mocks the infant's faith
Shall be mock'd in age and death.
He who shall teach the child to doubt
The rotting grave shall ne'er get out.

He who respects the infant's faith
Triumphs over hell and death.
The child's toys and the old man's reasons
Are the fruits of the two seasons.

The questioner, who sits so sly,
Shall never know how to reply.
He who replies to words of doubt
Doth put the light of knowledge out.

The strongest poison ever known
Came from Caesar's laurel crown.
Nought can deform the human race
Like to the armour's iron brace.

When gold and gems adorn the plow,
To peaceful arts shall envy bow.
A riddle, or the cricket's cry,
Is to doubt a fit reply.

The emmet's inch and eagle's mile
Make lame philosophy to smile.
He who doubts from what he sees
Will ne'er believe, do what you please.

If the sun and moon should doubt,
They'd immediately go out.
To be in a passion you good may do,
But no good if a passion is in you.

The whore and gambler, by the state
Licensed, build that nation's fate.
The harlot's cry from street to street
Shall weave old England's winding-sheet.

The winner's shout, the loser's curse,
Dance before dead England's hearse.

Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born,
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.

Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.

We are led to believe a lie
When we see not thro' the eye,
Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
When the soul slept in beams of light.

God appears, and God is light,
To those poor souls who dwell in night;
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day.

-William Blake

When i was one and twenty

When i was one-and-twenty
i heard a wise man say,
"Give crowns and pounds and guineas
But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies
But keep your fancy free"
But i was one-and-twenty,
No use to talk to me.

When i was one-and-twenty
i heard him say again,
"the heart out of the bossom
Was never given in vain;
'Tis paid with sighs a plenty
And sold for endless rue."
And i am two-and-twenty,
And oh,'tis true, 'tis true.

A.E.Housman(1859-1936)

quiet

Time is running past me
through the day and
night.
my mind wanders aimlessly,
shifting,
jumping,
walking from one direction to the other
Nothing.
Wind
birds
Birds
wind
Silence-
....Quiet