Room for Improvement

Today was hectic. I have started working on a program since the beginning of this week. By now, I have basically settled my part, and some of the things that needed to be done. I have worked non-stop since Monday. I came back home in the evening tired. i completed anything needed for the program so that i dont have to bring any program-related works at home so i can continue with my marking. And so far it paid off as i have managed to complete almost half of the assignments i need to mark. Partly was because, i need it to distract my thought from anything that might lead me to crying..and thinking about unnecessary things.

Today, in the afternoon, i followed my friend out to the town, cashed out the cheque for the program. the person in charge was out having lunch when i came in, so i have to wait for half an hour to get it done. i dont want to waste my time waiting, and get angry at people for the delay.so i went out and had lunch. I enjoyed this time alone, as it gave me a sense of independence and freedom. i dont have to ask other people what should i do. i just do everything on my own.Many things get done as well. i enjoy doing things on my own.i enjoyed being alone, as it renewed my sense of well being.That's the thing about me that i like.i have always been like this. and it is such an accomplishment to be able to take care of yourself.it is a nice thought.

We got the perhimpunan bulanan today. We got the new head. i have mixed feeling about him. And one thing for sure, i think he seriously needs to jot down what he wants to say, or it will come out weird.He was everywhere and anywhere..He didnt start of well enough to catch my attention. To say the least i was quite let down by what i see. i was expecting a surprise, something i would like and treasure-and there was none. I was expecting some kind of a shot in the arm and...huh.
He is a very nice guy, which iam afraid that somebody will take advantage of him. I got the feeling that he is the type of person-that you will find instantly at ease with, and selfish people will usually take advantage of/bully. He seems so very nice. Maybe, it was just the way he talked, but people say first impression is always the correct one...But, i was let down.

One thing though..he mentioned about room for improvement. How we should be grateful that we are here with enough facilities and all. And we shouldnt complaint so much about things. Other people are not that lucky. And bitch around about things, get out in the front and asked related authorities about your qualms.Line of communication is always open. and that there is always room for improvement...i like it.

I was sitting in the middle of A and B, whom i know do not like each other so much. A was mentioning about how people in the office like to bitch about other people. and i just kept quiet. B was talking with another of my friend at the other corner, so i couldnt hear the response. and i didnt even try to listen. im not interested.
B never said anything about the thing i asked her, and i didnt know why.and by now, i have lost interest. that's why i never would sit alone with her.Regardless of anything, there are just things that you should know when enough is enough. i know that my bestmate was not telling the entire truth. But she was not telling the entire truth either. Who on earth gives her the permission to tell about my feeling towards my bestmate? Who on earth wouldnt feel betrayed by people who think they can make the decision for you?i decided to stay away forever. because there are just people who will only caused you so much pain when you are near them. My bestmate is one of them.

Even i am angry with her, it doesnt mean that i would treat her like rubbish. im not the kind of person who wish bad things happen to people. Itu kerja tuhan. That's why when A was saying something that meant at her, i didnt reply.i have enough on my plate right now. i couldnt possibly have more. Im tired, broken to pieces, humiliated, shocked,hurt,emotionally unstable, wicked, revengeful, bitter and angry to join anyone else's war. im fighting for my peace of mind. Not for anybody's benefit.

I believe in rooms for improvement. Although, it will take a long time before i can laugh again about what happened, but im going to try. I sent a video for my baby brother, and my mum noticed that i was thinner than before. i didnt eat well, and i was thinking so much. My mum said that i need to fight for myself, because i am alone here and if something happens to me, they wont be able to be here on time. that i have to take care of myself.My brother said a nice thing:Some things are just not meant for us. and i was crying and laughing by the end of the conversation. Touched.

oh,well. i always believe that iam a worthy person. And i want to see what happened as a test to see whether im really worthy of my good thought of myself. May Allah gives me the strenght to forget what happened and in the end to forgive anybody for making me cried in despair so much. May Allah gives me the strenght to move on.

saya dan saya lagi

saya sangat emosi.itu tidak boleh dinafikan.
Orang hanya tahu kata begitu dan begini..Eh, apa kata kamu berdiri di tempat saya?
Orang hanya lihat apa yang mereka mahu lihat.Selebihnya apa?
Dan bila saya bertindak dengan cara saya, kata mereka saya salah kerana mengikut kata hati.
Mereka kata begitu dan begini, tolong jangan kata apa juga pun..kerana kamu hanya menambah kesakitan hati saya.
Biarlah.Berita gembira atau sedih, semuanya sudah tidak bererti.Masa untuk jelaskan semua sudah tamat.Diam dan pergi dari sini.
Saya?Kejam kerana bersifat berat sebelah?Kejam sangatkah saya bila saya berat kepada diri sendiri?
baik sangatkah kamu?Biar saya tanya sekali lagi,adakah kamu pasti apa yang kamu buat itu bukan untuk kepentingan diri kamu sendiri?
Jangan bergurau ok..kamu tidak tahu apa yang kamu buat!

Banyak yang sudah berlaku. Saya memang marah dan tertekan. tapi belum sampai ke tahap kejam lagi. Saya bukan orang yang melampaui batas dalam perbalahan. Saya hanya menjauhkan diri, bukannya saya berplot untuk membunuh kamu.Dan saya tetap mendoakan yang terbaik untuk kamu..walau apa juga yang terbaik.

Orang akan kata apa sahaja.Katalah sesuka hati. apa yang saya lakukan adalah untuk melindungi diri saya sendiri.Saya berhak bertindak atas kebaikan diri sendiri. Saya memilih untuk percaya siapa yang akan saya percayai. yang penting orang itu bukan kamu atau kamu.

Nothingville

im a very motivated person.i come into the office with high spirit.i go through my daily life with high spirit.i look at everything through the positive side.
it was before.Now i believe my expectation and outlook were spoiled to the max.
What's the point of living where you drag yourself through everything?no longer with the same enthusiasm you once had.

Now what's the point of living in nothingville?

Bohong

Bohonglah kalau itu yang baik untuk kamu.Tapi jangan paksa saya untuk terima kebohongan begitu.

Tipulah jika kamu rasa gembira untuk buat begitu.Yang kamu tipu adalah diri kamu sendiri.

Berlaku kejamlah kalau itu membantu kamu untuk teruskan hidup,saya harap kamu takkan terluka dengan perbuatan kamu sendiri.

Pura-puralah kalau itu yang buat kamu rasa hebat, semoga yang terbaik untuk kamu.

Kamu hebat kerana nampaknya kamu sudah menang dalam permainan kamu.Tapi saya bukan seorang pemain,dan saya tidak bermain dalam permainan yang kamu cipta.Tolong jangan heret saya dalam permainan-permainan kamu.Bosan!

Kata kamu:tolong pertahankan saya.Bagaimana saya harus pertahankan apa yang saya sendiri tidak ketahui?

Kata kamu:jangan berdendam, tak perlu fikir kata orang, yang penting kita masih rakan baik.Bagaimana kamu boleh kata begitu dengan senang?adakah kamu berfikir bahawa kita masih boleh jadi kawan baik setelah ini?Kenapa kamu perlu begitu tidak praktikal..Agaknya kamu tidak pernah rasa dikihianati.
Terima kasih banyak-banyak.

Jika saya sakitkan hati kamu,itu bukanlah kerana saya maksudkan.saya hanya tidak dapat menahan diri.Harap kamu mengerti.

Kamu memang hebat kerana membuatkan saya berfikir bahawa saya membiarkan kamu memperbodohkan saya. Tahniah!

Tahniah.selamat menjalani hidup dengan gembira.kerana saya akan bergembira dengan kehidupan saya..tanpa perlu kamu.

Weird

well,i couldnt say that im in a relationship.
To start,i found my long lost friend..to say the least. the one i never had the chance to know better because i went to matriculation. So he was someone i knew before i end up in here.

My sister happened to be in contact with his cousin.And he happened to be in close contact with my other cousin.so, there we were..trying to pick up things where we left it.i say that he is a friend because i dont have the courage to termed him as anything yet. i prefer to wait and see.
i dont want to confuse my feeling. Just because i liked him before, it doesnt mean that my feeling hasnt changed for him. for god sake. it was more than five years already..it would be naive to still expect that things hasnt changed.

we talked about the old days, what happened after i went to matric, what he did,where he had been,what i have been doing...my family,his family.He is still a joker.:o)...which is why we were together before.he was such a joker and i was a captived audience.always laughing my heart out..Funny funny Sam..

it is too early to say anything. Weird why i was thinking so much about a certain someone, when i should be happy to move on with my life.infact i was dreaming about him as well.

Ya Allah.im weak.Please give me the strenght to be strong, physically and mentally. Whatever it is ya Allah,my complete surrender is for You.

Di suatu senja di musim yang lalu...

Alkisah tersebutlah kisah
adalah seorang makcik ni menyanyi lagu Tinggal Kenangan by Caramel..Sedang menyanyi dengan khusyuk dan penuh perasaan, tiba-tiba lagu Caramel yang mendayu-dayu tu bertukar menjadi bunyi kambing mengembek...hahahaha.Rupanya si kekasih hati yang punya angkara...hadoii..Rasa mau guling-guling ketawa.Kaki semua lemah longlai...Otak tak boleh berfikir dengan waras, dan otot perut mengecut.Huh.Tahap gaban dimensi ke-8 lah.Hahahahah.adoii.Terbaiklah untuk hari ni..hahaha.

dua orang kawan saya ni akan mengakhirkan zaman solo sekitar pertengahan tahun ini. Dua ekor ini sangat selamba, dan sangat menyayat hati.hahaha.Menyayat hati dalam konteks ayat ini bermaksud:boleh menyebabkan anda ketawa sehingga keluar airmata kerana perlakuan-perlakuan tidak masuk akal yang menyakitkan kepala dan perut.Dijamin ketawa seorang diri selepas itu..Hahaha.
Huh.rasa macam penceroboh pula setiap kali keluar dengan dua orang ini.Rasa segan kerana menyaksikan sesuatu yang bersifat personal.

Dalam ketawa, otak ligat berfikir,mentafsir dan menganalisis. Apa yang membuat dua orang saling tertarik antara satu dengan yang lain?Apa tandanya perasaan yang kita rasakan itu betul?Jika dua orang yang bertemu itu mempunyai banyak persamaan mungkin lebih senang, bagaimana dengan mereka yang berbeza langit dan bumi?

Benarkah.....aku sedang suka kamu?

Adversity is a gift

Nature by H.D.Carberry

We have neither Summer nor Winter
Neither Autumn nor Spring.
We have instead the days
When the gold sun shines on the lush green canefields-
Magnificently.
The days when the rain beats like bullets on the roofs
And there is no sound but the swish of water in the gullies
And trees struggling in the high Jamaica winds.
Also there are the days when leaves fade from off guango trees
And the reaped canefields lie bare and fallow to the sun.
But best of all there are the days when the mango and the logwood blossom
When the bushes are full of the sound of bees and the scent of honey,
When the tall grass sways and shivers to the slightest breath of air,
When the buttercups have paved the earth with yellow stars
And beauty comes suddenly and the rains have gone.

"Adversity is a gift,
So, brave through it with patience,
Soon the light will come,
As the cloud will not be there forever,
But the light will be brighter than ever"

(taken from Thought from Tongod)

Back!

while i was busy being emotional,i forgot to look at things that are important in my life.i forgot about so many things that matter.Today my mum called me about something that jerked me back to my first love. The love for my family.my not yet fulfilled responsibility.The thing that has always been the first priority in my list. i was so busy being self centered that i forgot about things that matter.

What have i done with my life?..well,letting it remain at static mode.

Now is the right time to start afresh. i like the sense of progress-moving from point A to point B. Everytime i completed any task that i do, i understand that i am progressing-hopefully for the better. i like the sense of accomplishment.
i just dont care what other people want to do with their life, im moving on!

Just a reflection-there will be a time in our life that we might never understand why we did the things we do, but life is meant to learn, re-learn, and un-learn over and over again. there is never any reason to give up.There is never any reason to give in..There will always be room for improvement and betterment.As long as you want it as badly.

"Sesungguhnya dalam kesusahan itu ada kemudahan, Dalam kesusahan itu ada kemudahan."(Quranic Ayah)
Even in the quran, Allah mentioned this.What could be greater promise than the words of God?

saya perlu..jika..

Saya akan cuba habiskan kerja saya minggu ini.sudah tertangguh selama beberapa minggu kerana saya tidak meletakkan prioriti yang betul mengikut tempatnya. Saya harus lebih fokus minggu ini jika saya mahu kerja saya selesai sebelum minggu ujian akhir.saya sedang memikirkan bagaimana untuk habiskan kerja-kerja ini kerana ada banyak yang belum selesai.hmmmm....
Saya perlu fokus jika saya mahu semuanya diselesaikan secepat yang boleh..
secepat mungkin.

Soal Hati

Saya tidak mampu menyoal hati kerana hati pun tiada jawapan untuk semua soalan saya.
Akal lain bahasanya dengan hati. hati yang kadang-kadang masih tersisa rasa, dan akal yang berfikiran-sudah!cukup disini!habis!
Bagaimana hati? Pudarkan saja rasa disitu kerana warnanya sudah tidak kelihatan. Bagaimana hati?
Kata hati mengatakan semuanya sudah tidak berasa.warna sudah pudar.Lupakan saja.Tidak ada guna mewarna di atas air.tidak ada kesan pun.Yang berwarna hanya darah dari luka.Kata hati lagi,tidak mengapa.Luka sedalam dan sebesar mana pun tetap akan sembuh. walaupun memakan masa-tapi hakikatnya ia sembuh!
Kata akal-Benar.Mengapa perlu gusar?Jika begitu yang perlu terjadi,biarlah ia terjadi.Biarkan.Berikan sedikit waktu, pasti semuanya akan baik.

Kata saya:saya akan baik.saya hanya perlu sedikit ruang untuk memperbaiki keadaan.Mudah-mudahan yang terbaik untuk saya.

Perfect Distraction

at least one good thing that comes out from this entire mess is..she is a perfect distraction for me to stay away from a certain someone.At least she served as a warning sign for me, my own borderline to control myself and strenghthen my resolution to stay focus on my life and mend my myself.
Yeah, Game On!

I Hurt Myself Today part 2

I hurt myself very badly.i am devastatedly broken.It was self inflicted pain. really.

For a start, my instinct tells me that there is something that is just not right about these two so called close friend of mine. i have a weird feeling everytime her phone beeps.i think that he is texting her.and then i found out that it is true.

Everytime, she comes to office in the morning, i always have this funny feeling that says, they both has grown closer than they are willing to admit. I have the suspicion that she is not telling the entire truth. I have the feeling that what she says was not the entire story as she claimed it to be.

No wonder all these while, i feel that he is so distance, and was treating me like dirt. He is eyeing somebody else. No wonder, he is keeping me at arm lenght-just for someone that he said he dont like-but is wooing anyway..Bloody Bullshit.

No wonder he is so friendly these lately-to everyone in the office.When he said he prefer to do his work than go around mingling. All to get attention from her. No wonder.

The first time she told me about them, i couldnt stop myself from crying.i cried because of the thing he said to her. So all these while, i was wasting my time trying to be a friend, and he didnt seem to notice my existence.I cried because i was stupid enough to trust him with myself. i cried because he didnt seem to care about anything. And i also cried because i noticed her smiling eyes when i cried. she was actually happy about this. Infact, i think she is falling for him already. Despite her denial.

No wonder she looked so weird when i chatted with him about Q meeting one day. She looked so weird. so now i understand what's her look meant.i actually saw him staring at her.i begin to notice small things that passed between them after she told me about them. How could they assume that i wont notice?

A good Muslim is patient in time of trouble. A good Muslim gives her total surrender to Allah. After all, patience has its own reward.i promise myself that i will not give anybody the satisfaction of seeing me crumbled under pressure.i hold no grudges.
i have the greatest strenght at my side, and He never let me down. Tawakaltu 'ala Allah. Insyaallah.

I Hurt Myself Today

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here


If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

(Johny Cash)