Alhamdulillah. Kejutan Allah memang sangat sweet dan tak dapat dijangka. But then, betul lah kan. Nama pun kejutan. Mana ada kejutan yang dapat dijangka.
Hari itu, menonton satu program di TV. ada satu couple. Yang si isteri tu dulunya ada cerita kontroversi sebelum berkahwin dengan si husband. Bila lihat mereka di TV, diam-diam hati terdetik: memang ada hikmahnya. Ada hikmahnya perhubungan yang terputus atau perkahwinan yang terjadi. Hikmah itu selalu untuk yang terbaik dan tak ada yang berlaku sia-sia.
Hari semalam, seperti selalu, browsing my social network. Satu kejutan tak disangka. Dua pasang lecturer zaman uni tahun 2007. pasangan ini diberitakan bercerai. Ingat lagi masa tu semua orang hampa. well, people like fairy tale kinds of love story. No room for imperfection. Still mereka berpisah juga. No further news on that. Fairy tale crushed. Semalam, seorang lecturer zaman uni announced or made public their photo. They are husband and wife again. Surprise!!! after all these years. Alhamdulillah.
It did what to me: bertambah yakin bahawa Allah lebih mengetahui akan segala sesuatu yang terbaik untuk hamba-Nya. Bahawa jodoh telah tertulis dan tiada satu pun yang dapat menghalang sekiranya ia sudah tertulis. TIADA. yang pastinya, tak ada sesuatu pun yang berlaku sia-sia.
Sekiranya, selama ini ada yang belum kamu peroleh walaupun telah berusaha sekuat mungkin, tanyalah sama hati: apa yang kamu betul-betul perlukan saat itu? There must be something in your heart or yourself that pull it to you...or drive it away. Kerana mungkin apa yang kamu mahu dan tak dapat itu, mungkin kamu tak perlukan.
Yang pasti: Jodoh ajal maut rezeki adalah dengan keizinan Allah jua. Berusahalah dan Berdoalah. dan perbaiki niat. Insya Allah. Tak ada yang berlaku sia-sia tanpa tujuan.
Insyaallah.
Dec 25, 2013
Nov 13, 2013
Why, What and Where i write?
#30 day Blog Challenge
Finally i get up to doing this. By nature, i am a quite reserved person. i dont really say what i feel, sometimes my mind is clamouring with things but still couldn't put it into word. When i like something, i keep it to myself. When i am angry, i keep it to myself. When i am sad, i throw words here and there but not the entire feeling. sometimes, it is bottled up for a very long time, and never really get out.
Why i write?
It is a kind of escapism. to write and let it out unhindered. it is more beautiful that way, i guess. i write because i love the mechanic of writing. the expressions are more sensible. the feeling is more pronounced. and because i love the privacy of writing. i love the quiet atmosphere you build up with your own mind. The way when you write, you build up the thought. i love the trains of thought. sometimes, something is so beautiful that it is even more beautiful when you write it down. Like a song.
What i write?
Everything that is available at the time of writing. At first i am writing as a form of reflection. for me to go back to when i feel down and in needs of reassurance. Or when i am so tired, i need a medium of release. that is when my blog comes in handy. as a storage of my feelings and thought.i seldom write of bad memories. i justify myself when i write. something that is impossible for me to do with human. i write of good feelings, mostly and sadness. i write about strong emotion: mostly sad and melancholic things.
Where?
My blogs. i am so insecure and not confident that i feel exposed if i write and someone read my writing. Terribly exposed. i dont just let anyone read them. because it is private and personal. the time i let someone read it, well that must be a person im comfortable with. someone i could trust.
done with the first topic. Challenge is on!
Finally i get up to doing this. By nature, i am a quite reserved person. i dont really say what i feel, sometimes my mind is clamouring with things but still couldn't put it into word. When i like something, i keep it to myself. When i am angry, i keep it to myself. When i am sad, i throw words here and there but not the entire feeling. sometimes, it is bottled up for a very long time, and never really get out.
Why i write?
It is a kind of escapism. to write and let it out unhindered. it is more beautiful that way, i guess. i write because i love the mechanic of writing. the expressions are more sensible. the feeling is more pronounced. and because i love the privacy of writing. i love the quiet atmosphere you build up with your own mind. The way when you write, you build up the thought. i love the trains of thought. sometimes, something is so beautiful that it is even more beautiful when you write it down. Like a song.
What i write?
Everything that is available at the time of writing. At first i am writing as a form of reflection. for me to go back to when i feel down and in needs of reassurance. Or when i am so tired, i need a medium of release. that is when my blog comes in handy. as a storage of my feelings and thought.i seldom write of bad memories. i justify myself when i write. something that is impossible for me to do with human. i write of good feelings, mostly and sadness. i write about strong emotion: mostly sad and melancholic things.
Where?
My blogs. i am so insecure and not confident that i feel exposed if i write and someone read my writing. Terribly exposed. i dont just let anyone read them. because it is private and personal. the time i let someone read it, well that must be a person im comfortable with. someone i could trust.
done with the first topic. Challenge is on!
Nov 2, 2013
The most tiring week
What a tiring week!
I have been going back and forth RNU-KK-RNU this week. My mother is ill. The only right thing to do is to be by her side. To help out where necessary. Thus my going back and forth. Alhamdulillah she is getting better, though still need assistance to the toilet. Alhamdulillah ya Allah.
I come back to work on Friday with tonss of pending tasks and unfinished business.
Hmm. I feel that this 2 week time is a down time for everyone. I wish that i could make everyone that matters to me happy. Because whenever these people feel down, i am affected by that. I couldnt help myself but feel it too.
I pray that i could contribute towards betterment. I pray that Allah guides me to do what's right, always. InsyaAllah
I have been going back and forth RNU-KK-RNU this week. My mother is ill. The only right thing to do is to be by her side. To help out where necessary. Thus my going back and forth. Alhamdulillah she is getting better, though still need assistance to the toilet. Alhamdulillah ya Allah.
I come back to work on Friday with tonss of pending tasks and unfinished business.
Hmm. I feel that this 2 week time is a down time for everyone. I wish that i could make everyone that matters to me happy. Because whenever these people feel down, i am affected by that. I couldnt help myself but feel it too.
I pray that i could contribute towards betterment. I pray that Allah guides me to do what's right, always. InsyaAllah
Oct 17, 2013
Of moving
Another colleague is leaving and sad about it. I dont understand. Getting transfer should be a happy occasion; given the fact that she always talk about getting transfer, about moving to some place else. yes, it is sad to leave the place you've known like the back of your hand. It is sad to leave the people. It is a little awkward to start anew from zero with other people in another place. But should be a happy thing to be able to be close to your family.
When i got transferred, i was happy and sad at the same time. I was sad to leave my circle of friends, which i've gotten to like very much. But i was excited thinking about home. Excited that finally i got what i've always wanted. I am happy. Though i cried the entire day on the way home. Simply because i purposedly avoid meeting my good friend and send him a text instead. I decided that lebih baik saya tak jumpa dia. So when i texted him saying i'm on the way, sorry blabla..when he replied my text i knew it was the right decision to not go see him before i leave. My brother who was driving got fed up at me for crying so much. THAT's how bad i cried. But i'm coming back for his wedding :)
i cried when i went to see everyone in admin. when all the kakaks there hugged me, i cried like hell. When i went to HEP, again i cried. It was sad. but it's the right thing to do at that time.It was time to move on. I would certainly miss people. Terribly .
When i got transferred, i was happy and sad at the same time. I was sad to leave my circle of friends, which i've gotten to like very much. But i was excited thinking about home. Excited that finally i got what i've always wanted. I am happy. Though i cried the entire day on the way home. Simply because i purposedly avoid meeting my good friend and send him a text instead. I decided that lebih baik saya tak jumpa dia. So when i texted him saying i'm on the way, sorry blabla..when he replied my text i knew it was the right decision to not go see him before i leave. My brother who was driving got fed up at me for crying so much. THAT's how bad i cried. But i'm coming back for his wedding :)
i cried when i went to see everyone in admin. when all the kakaks there hugged me, i cried like hell. When i went to HEP, again i cried. It was sad. but it's the right thing to do at that time.It was time to move on. I would certainly miss people. Terribly .
I remembered when one of my colleagues asked me-cynically- that me asking for transfer is just "cuba-cuba". I didn't like the tone but i love people like this - it was a sign to be curt and matter of fact.
When i moved out, it was not to satisfy some people, it was more to protect my sanity and myself. I will always remember how i felt in this moment. They always said i should take one for the team and how hurtful was that . i think now the karma is paid and return accordingly. So ii is time to move on..:)
Everything did happen for a reason.
Everything did happen for a reason.
Oct 11, 2013
Alhamdulillah
I dedicate this post to my superior.
She came to me and hugged me, pat me at the back and said thank you for coming in like a breath of fresh air. For helping to do things and running things. For not holding back. Wow, thank you for letting me know that, mam. A very simple word but for me it warmed my heart. Really appreciate it. Especially when you have been living in an environment where anybody rarely say anything nice or comforting. Where you learn to give the compliment to yourself. Really really moved.i accepted the compliment. Thank you
Thank you Allah, for sending people who help me to mend everyday. Thank you for reminding me that i am on the right track. Thank you Allah for giving me the opportunity to recover. Thank you ya Allah for the wisdom to understand. Thank you ya Allah for the blessings.
Alhamdulillah.
She came to me and hugged me, pat me at the back and said thank you for coming in like a breath of fresh air. For helping to do things and running things. For not holding back. Wow, thank you for letting me know that, mam. A very simple word but for me it warmed my heart. Really appreciate it. Especially when you have been living in an environment where anybody rarely say anything nice or comforting. Where you learn to give the compliment to yourself. Really really moved.i accepted the compliment. Thank you
Thank you Allah, for sending people who help me to mend everyday. Thank you for reminding me that i am on the right track. Thank you Allah for giving me the opportunity to recover. Thank you ya Allah for the wisdom to understand. Thank you ya Allah for the blessings.
Alhamdulillah.
Sep 16, 2013
The "Sorry" Post
Felt a deep sense of sorry-ness. If there ever were any word such that.
Just something a friend told me when she was in my house. Something and someone that i took for granted. Me and my vain self. Me and my own problems. i cant see that he was always there for me. I am sorry, good friend. How i had taken you for granted for not understanding what you really are. I feel ashamed to always say that i am a good friend but i didn't understand you enough to give back the love you had for me. I am sorry. But what can i do now except pray that everything turn well for you? I pray harder for that.
It seems that i had been underestimating myself once too often. I didn't know my true power. i didn't realise my own potential. I let other people's opinions ruled my mind. And in the process of being indifference, i hurt other people. i was protecting myself. that was my only defense. huhu
Jul 25, 2013
Tired
Thanks to those who hated me, you made me a stronger person.
Thanks to those who loved me, you made my heart bigger.
Thanks to those who envied me, you made my self-esteem grow.
Thanks to those who cared, you made me feel important.
Thanks to those who worried, you let me know that you cared.
Thanks to those who left, you made me aware that nothing is forever.
Thanks to those who stayed, you showed me the meaning of true friendship.
Thanks to those who entered my life, you made me who i am today
Thanks to those who loved me, you made my heart bigger.
Thanks to those who envied me, you made my self-esteem grow.
Thanks to those who cared, you made me feel important.
Thanks to those who worried, you let me know that you cared.
Thanks to those who left, you made me aware that nothing is forever.
Thanks to those who stayed, you showed me the meaning of true friendship.
Thanks to those who entered my life, you made me who i am today
Jul 22, 2013
You call it Life...
One month and a few days at my this place. still doing some adjustment. Sometimes i feel like i dont know what i am doing. Sometimes i feel as if im living few years behind as people and processes are considerably slower here than any other place i have been. The only thing that moves pretty fast here is the time. Any clock or watch at any class or office will always be 15 minutes earlier than the real time. It sets me every time into panic mood. i go to the office at 730 hour in the morning and when i reached the office it's already 750.Goodness! and the drive is less than 5 minutes! i feel like Alice in the wonderland. Always confused. Always trying to figure out which is which or what or how.
I am always busy. as usual. It occupies my over thinking mind. It helps me to focus. It helps me to stay grounded. it's like a reality that cut into my day dreamer's world. Nice. I like it. Strangely, usually i like positive people. Though there is one person whom so called positiveness is acidic to the point of annoyance. what i think: She is trying to appear positive with encouragement, positive words and pats on the shoulder. But at the end of the day, somewhat you realised that she is actually not positive. i still dont know what is the adjective to describe her. When i do find the adjective, i'll blog about the "word". ;)
I dont understand myself. i feel deeply troubled. i feel like someone is taking advantage of my feeling, to her own benefit. I can accept frankness, but i cant possibly accept someone who do it the underhand way. Senang ceritalah. Saya tak suka perasaan dikhianati. Saya tak suka orang berpura-pura Saya tak suka orang gunakan saya sebagai batu loncatan untuk mencapai apa yang dia mahu. Simply dont like it. Contohnya: Dia ni suka seseorang in my circle tapi sebab dia tahu saya berkawan dengan orang itu - and in order to get closer to that person - dia ni pun berkawan lah juga dengan saya. Normally she wont even bother. Ataupun, dia ni tau saya suka seseorang ini, dia pun menggeletis juga lebih sudu dari kuah approach that guy. Siapa yang suka siapa ni?I immediately turn off my feeling for this guy because of that. Hey lady, don't abuse my friendship eh!
I left from my Mukah group today. Simply because i feel i don't belong anymore. I felt disconnected when they talked about things i didn't know. Maybe i should reconsider my plan of attending my good friend's wedding in Mukah this December? i should just cancel my plan. i should. Entah apa pa ntah me.
Sempena Ramadhan yang ke 13 ini, mudah-mudahan keberkatan Allah sentiasa melimpahi, semoga diberikan oleh Allah petunjuk dan hidayah untuk memahami yang tersurat dan tersirat, Semoga Allah mengampunkan dosa-dosa yang telah lalu mahupun yang akan datang,
Sempena Ramadhan yang ke 13 ini, mudah-mudahan keberkatan Allah sentiasa melimpahi, semoga diberikan oleh Allah petunjuk dan hidayah untuk memahami yang tersurat dan tersirat, Semoga Allah mengampunkan dosa-dosa yang telah lalu mahupun yang akan datang,
Jun 27, 2013
Things
KK is so hot!
The good thing is i go home every weekend and come back to work fresh after getting energized at home.
Infact there are many actually. Learning many new things again as i move along.
New responsibilities at hand
Some are very new.others are things i used to do. I can relearn and unlearn.
Classes are several blocks away.Thank god i used to walk all the way to the library. Now i have no problem walking down two blocks away from office.
I only have good and positive things in my mind. I try to block off things that are considered useless eg. an ex-co worker of mine called from far away just to complain about problems with other people or rather to bring other people down with her. Something that i m not interested to entertain. Defense mechanism. Herding - call it whatever. Or things such as the underlying politics of the new office. Not interested. What i interested in is work, work and work. Nothing else.
I'm in the state of totally missing somebody. i see and hear him everywhere. How in the whole world can i tell him how i feel? For the first time, i don't know how to tell him that. I don't know how to show that i care. I don't what to make of my feeling. I just don't know. The only thing that come to mind when i think of him is how much i feel loved. Di sayang. The things that he did warmth my heart to the very soul. The support, the friendship..Ahhh not to mention the cakes. I am going to confess now and only now:
I like you so much.
The good thing is i go home every weekend and come back to work fresh after getting energized at home.
Infact there are many actually. Learning many new things again as i move along.
New responsibilities at hand
Some are very new.others are things i used to do. I can relearn and unlearn.
Classes are several blocks away.Thank god i used to walk all the way to the library. Now i have no problem walking down two blocks away from office.
I only have good and positive things in my mind. I try to block off things that are considered useless eg. an ex-co worker of mine called from far away just to complain about problems with other people or rather to bring other people down with her. Something that i m not interested to entertain. Defense mechanism. Herding - call it whatever. Or things such as the underlying politics of the new office. Not interested. What i interested in is work, work and work. Nothing else.
I'm in the state of totally missing somebody. i see and hear him everywhere. How in the whole world can i tell him how i feel? For the first time, i don't know how to tell him that. I don't know how to show that i care. I don't what to make of my feeling. I just don't know. The only thing that come to mind when i think of him is how much i feel loved. Di sayang. The things that he did warmth my heart to the very soul. The support, the friendship..Ahhh not to mention the cakes. I am going to confess now and only now:
May 18, 2013
International You Day
I'm sorry that it took so long to write this song
But I gave up
You see, one million words can't describe how it feels
To know your love
Where did I go wrong?
I should have told you from the start
That I'm closer than you think when we're apart
Nothing that I've tried is as simple as this line
But without you, my life is incomplete
My days are absolutely grey
And so I try, let your heart know for sure
That I have so much more to tell you every single day
I swear, I'm giving up my inside to the one
That I adore
I know this world is big enough for you and I
But I'll give you more
I'm coming home today to wipe the tear drop from your eyes
I'm totally enamoured by your life
Nothing that I've done has ever been for one
But without you, my life is incomplete
My days are absolutely grey
And so I try, let your heart know for sure
That I have so much more to tell you every single day
My life is incomplete
My rights are absolutely wrong
So wake me up, before you leave today
Something I need to say, 'cause there'll be nothing when you're gone
May 13, 2013
Farewell
i would be lying if i said these pictures wont make me cry later in the future. I am thankful that i spent the remaining time in Mukah with wonderful people which has helped to make the burden of heart be loosened up a bit. I guess thank you would be an understatement. May Allah bless you guys.. (i would've cry if i hadn't gotten used to the idea of moving)
So, my time in Sarawak is done. I'm going on a new adventure in the Land Below the Wind. I dont know if i'll ever be here again.
May 2, 2013
I finally...
I finally found my Vietnamese Poet-her name is Nguyen Bao Chan. Though i couldn't locate her "My Love is like the first ray of light" English poem anywhere in the net. a little bit disappointed but i felt thrilled.
I finally get rid of my uncomfortable feeling with this someone whom i have been taking months to get used to his presence. can talk to him freely now, can laugh out loud, can joke and...can even stand it if he sit or stand near me. Wow, things that can happen without other people's intervention. Well it took one year and a half and three dates later. Maybe not dates, just breakfasts and dinner. My goodness.that's a long time. By now, i think i have a HUGE crush on him.
I finally got transferred to PKK. Alhamdulillah. Of course, there is a little reservation but i guess it's natural. I didn't make it public because i like the privacy. I could kill anyone who try to congratulate me on any of my social network. I didn't tell too many people because there's no need and there's no people. Just a few close friends.
I wouldn't say that things would only be happier there. Happy is a state of mind, and it's not the place.Funny i already have lists of people that i would preferably want to be as far from me as possible. i dont want to be caught up in drama. again.
I have The Talk with my so called mentor. she mentioned all my good qualities. i am glad she did mention that. But i would really love it if she tell me when i was really in need of encouragement. No one bother to say anything nice at that time. *shrugged. i guess i understand why and i am not angry. I pun sudah berlapang dada dengan semua yang terjadi. I dont want to hate people for eternity.
I finally get rid of my uncomfortable feeling with this someone whom i have been taking months to get used to his presence. can talk to him freely now, can laugh out loud, can joke and...can even stand it if he sit or stand near me. Wow, things that can happen without other people's intervention. Well it took one year and a half and three dates later. Maybe not dates, just breakfasts and dinner. My goodness.that's a long time. By now, i think i have a HUGE crush on him.
I finally got transferred to PKK. Alhamdulillah. Of course, there is a little reservation but i guess it's natural. I didn't make it public because i like the privacy. I could kill anyone who try to congratulate me on any of my social network. I didn't tell too many people because there's no need and there's no people. Just a few close friends.
I wouldn't say that things would only be happier there. Happy is a state of mind, and it's not the place.Funny i already have lists of people that i would preferably want to be as far from me as possible. i dont want to be caught up in drama. again.
I have The Talk with my so called mentor. she mentioned all my good qualities. i am glad she did mention that. But i would really love it if she tell me when i was really in need of encouragement. No one bother to say anything nice at that time. *shrugged. i guess i understand why and i am not angry. I pun sudah berlapang dada dengan semua yang terjadi. I dont want to hate people for eternity.
There is this one person i should settle some scores with. But i feel that some things are better left unsaid. So when he said, he wanted to meet i said ok, I'll be in my office. Because I don't want to keep people in the dark anymore. I just want him to know and be comfortable being my friend and meeting my other friends. But he refused wanting to meet me personally. At last, i said Ok only to get an angry response- all the time pointing the problem is my ego. You know what, even if like you and some feelings for you remained, i just don't want to fight anymore. If you say no meeting, then no meeting. I did send him a text when i was halfway home, to say sorry and hope the best for him. He replied a curt : keep in touch. I said to myself - well, distance is good. Distance it will be.
Alhamdulillah.. i remembered crying in the speedboat from Kapit last two semesters when i checked and i didn't get the transfer. I feel that it could not possibly happen. Thinking that i could not go on feeling wretched everyday. i remembered crying my heart out almost every night for the feeling that i can't share with people. The reason i didn't share was because i don't want people to take side or to say twisted words that are not from my mouth. All i could think about was surviving, defending, keeping my silence, keeping my wall .
Alhamdulillah.. i remembered crying in the speedboat from Kapit last two semesters when i checked and i didn't get the transfer. I feel that it could not possibly happen. Thinking that i could not go on feeling wretched everyday. i remembered crying my heart out almost every night for the feeling that i can't share with people. The reason i didn't share was because i don't want people to take side or to say twisted words that are not from my mouth. All i could think about was surviving, defending, keeping my silence, keeping my wall .
Apr 20, 2013
Rasa Hati
Just feel like ranting or writing. whatever the term is.
Rasa sangat lama tak menulis isi hati. Dan bila menulis tu, it means that i have something in my complicated mind that i dont know how tell to anyone. Bukan semua orang pun yang mendengar dan faham. Mereka ada problems sendiri.
2 minggu kebelakangan ini perasaan saya adalah seperti sampah yang disapu orang. Meaning: Sampah tak ada pilihan untuk stay ditempat ia berada. So bila orang sapu, ia akan ikut saja. No choice. I feel like i have no choice.i keep on moving. Fizikalnya bergerak tapi soulnya terhenti di tempat yang sama. Suffocating. Suddenly, many things happened and i dont know how to react / respond. Saya membahayakan diri. Hasilnya, tiga dates yang tak menjadi, yang mana saya dah rosakkannya dengan rasa tak bersedia itu. Macam lembu yang dicucuk hidung, ikut tapi tak faham kenapa harus ikut. See, my mind is somewhere else. Saya cuba nyatakan perasaan saya berkecamuk, persekitaran saya tak faham tentang kesedihan itu. Mereka mahu saya move on sepantas kilat. Tak memikirkan hati saya terluka. then, saya jadi marah. Marah dengan rasa terpaksa. I am not rash and spontaneous. I like it cool.
Dan saya rasa peluang saya sudah terkubur disana. Biarlah masa sahaja yang menentukan jodoh tu. Saya rasa buat masa ini, saya masih memerlukan ruang. Let it happens naturally. Bila terlalu banyak sangat " bantuan orang lain" di dalamnya, it automatically turns me off.
Jadi apa yang saya harus buat?Minta maaf kerana saya sedang bersedih? i know it will take times. I will give that time to myself.
Rasa sangat lama tak menulis isi hati. Dan bila menulis tu, it means that i have something in my complicated mind that i dont know how tell to anyone. Bukan semua orang pun yang mendengar dan faham. Mereka ada problems sendiri.
2 minggu kebelakangan ini perasaan saya adalah seperti sampah yang disapu orang. Meaning: Sampah tak ada pilihan untuk stay ditempat ia berada. So bila orang sapu, ia akan ikut saja. No choice. I feel like i have no choice.i keep on moving. Fizikalnya bergerak tapi soulnya terhenti di tempat yang sama. Suffocating. Suddenly, many things happened and i dont know how to react / respond. Saya membahayakan diri. Hasilnya, tiga dates yang tak menjadi, yang mana saya dah rosakkannya dengan rasa tak bersedia itu. Macam lembu yang dicucuk hidung, ikut tapi tak faham kenapa harus ikut. See, my mind is somewhere else. Saya cuba nyatakan perasaan saya berkecamuk, persekitaran saya tak faham tentang kesedihan itu. Mereka mahu saya move on sepantas kilat. Tak memikirkan hati saya terluka. then, saya jadi marah. Marah dengan rasa terpaksa. I am not rash and spontaneous. I like it cool.
Dan saya rasa peluang saya sudah terkubur disana. Biarlah masa sahaja yang menentukan jodoh tu. Saya rasa buat masa ini, saya masih memerlukan ruang. Let it happens naturally. Bila terlalu banyak sangat " bantuan orang lain" di dalamnya, it automatically turns me off.
Jadi apa yang saya harus buat?Minta maaf kerana saya sedang bersedih? i know it will take times. I will give that time to myself.
Apr 19, 2013
Short notes
#Judan
Program "Kampung Angkat".
Pilihan cita-cita anak kecil biasanya dipengaruhi oleh persekitaran. Memerhati anak-anak kecil bereaksi. Each time i found someone less taken care of, the more i am determined to make sure that my little brother wouldn't have to go through the same thing. I always have so much emotion for those children that do not appear to be well managed.
#Feeling
My life is so simple and uncomplicated. That's how i see it. But he, with all the complexity totally removes all my familiar feelings. My comfort zone is gone. Why, i wonder. Why it's so complicated with you? You represents the chaos in my head. You are my dear chaos. yet, i dont know. it's complicated. we both are.
I stop thinking that life should be this and that a long time ago. Rather, i try to make the best out of it.
# Disappointment
I dont like being the "cover" for anything. I hate everything and everyone that lies. I dont like the feeling of being used or abused. Do not ever abuse my friendship. Do Not. Macam orang bodoh rasa.
#Being with you feel right @ KK-in every sense of the words.
Finally. The final moment of goodbye. I believe. spending time or too much times with someone out of sadness, knowing that all would change onward. You make me feel happy and sad at the same time.You made me cry. You made me think that i would be able to live forever.with you. You made it hard to walk away. Agaknya kamu tak sedar, perbuatan kamu tu seolah-olah memberikan harapan bahawa somehow, you like me too. oh stop. Just stop right there. Dalam kepala ingat scene Aaron Kwok dalam Para Para Sakura on the way out from Cecelia Cheung 's wedding. Nangis terjelepuk.
# Everything that works out perfectly
Who would've known how much difference life could be compared to the previous years. Not much can be said out of it. Just one very distinctive point:everything works out perfectly.
Program "Kampung Angkat".
Pilihan cita-cita anak kecil biasanya dipengaruhi oleh persekitaran. Memerhati anak-anak kecil bereaksi. Each time i found someone less taken care of, the more i am determined to make sure that my little brother wouldn't have to go through the same thing. I always have so much emotion for those children that do not appear to be well managed.
#Feeling
My life is so simple and uncomplicated. That's how i see it. But he, with all the complexity totally removes all my familiar feelings. My comfort zone is gone. Why, i wonder. Why it's so complicated with you? You represents the chaos in my head. You are my dear chaos. yet, i dont know. it's complicated. we both are.
I stop thinking that life should be this and that a long time ago. Rather, i try to make the best out of it.
# Disappointment
I dont like being the "cover" for anything. I hate everything and everyone that lies. I dont like the feeling of being used or abused. Do not ever abuse my friendship. Do Not. Macam orang bodoh rasa.
#Being with you feel right @ KK-in every sense of the words.
Finally. The final moment of goodbye. I believe. spending time or too much times with someone out of sadness, knowing that all would change onward. You make me feel happy and sad at the same time.You made me cry. You made me think that i would be able to live forever.with you. You made it hard to walk away. Agaknya kamu tak sedar, perbuatan kamu tu seolah-olah memberikan harapan bahawa somehow, you like me too. oh stop. Just stop right there. Dalam kepala ingat scene Aaron Kwok dalam Para Para Sakura on the way out from Cecelia Cheung 's wedding. Nangis terjelepuk.
# Everything that works out perfectly
Who would've known how much difference life could be compared to the previous years. Not much can be said out of it. Just one very distinctive point:everything works out perfectly.
Mar 24, 2013
Kindness doesn't hurt. Vanity does
Just some trains of thought i am having.
i was amused to see some people twisted definition of friendship. Pity, of all the air of perfectionist they possessed, at the end of the day, it is a display of how immature adults can be. How childish. How very closed minded they really are.
I went to a program tonight. This is not the first program i have been. i like showing up whenever invited. but i learned to let go of this perfect version of always being there. I sometimes didn't attend to invitations. But very rarely. This is not the first program i went especially to give support to fellow mates. I have been to quite a few programs which i was not directly involved, but i went anyway because of this "friendship" thingy. It doesnt hurt a bit. It never hurt me to show up for a friend. I made it a point to be there for people i care about. I dont just make a speech out of it. I don't just be there because i need someone to accompany me to breakfast or lunch. I dont just be there for people because i need someone who can laugh out loud or lash at someone else. i dont just be there because i think that i need someone exclusive. i am there because i want to be there. As a friend. to be happy together. To experience the down time together.
But, people choose to be perfect instead of admitting that at some point of life they screwed up. People would rather die with their vanity i guess. Kindness is just a word without meaning. i understand that.i feel sorry for these people who have no respect for friendship and go about hurting the friendship. What's with them anyway? If you are a good friend, you would be happy for all the good things that happened to your friend. You dont go about pointing mistakes. It's not your life anyway, unless you have something going on for this friend of yours, then i can understand your bitterness. My opinion.
While i appreciate the friends i have now, i would like to express my heartfelt contempt for this one person for all the lies she told me. Big timed Liar. so my first judgment about her was right. Can't trust a pretty face. Always full of sneaky games up her sleeves.It must feel good to her to manipulate others so very easily. well, some people you just have to stay away from. .
I have been in terrible situation with people whom i think were my friends. Read: people i can trust. It turned out that these people were only there when they want someone to follow their whim and fancy. They dont have respect for my feeling. They dont have respect for the friendship. They just want a cover for their asses. Though, it was hurting first degree, i dont go about hurting them. I let everybody be happy with their choices i continue moving on with my life. I didn't go about tarnishing their good reputation. I didn't win anything but i didn't lost anything either. So it is a win-win for me. I didn't care about winning. Come to think of it, i still have some degree of respect for the good times spent together. Oh yes, it was terribly damaging to my ego but Allah has already replaced them with all the good people i met on the way to recovery. Alhamdulillah and Insya Allah, this will continue.
Just a reminder : Janganlah kerana terlalu sibuk mendongak ke langit, rasa diri di awang-awangan, menjadi sombong sampai lupa hendak berpijak di bumi yang nyata. It's always better to be kind, than being right. Kebaikan itu tak menyakitkan. Sakit itu adalah kerana kesombongan diri sendiri.
# Being kind is a purpose. Insya Allah.
i was amused to see some people twisted definition of friendship. Pity, of all the air of perfectionist they possessed, at the end of the day, it is a display of how immature adults can be. How childish. How very closed minded they really are.
I went to a program tonight. This is not the first program i have been. i like showing up whenever invited. but i learned to let go of this perfect version of always being there. I sometimes didn't attend to invitations. But very rarely. This is not the first program i went especially to give support to fellow mates. I have been to quite a few programs which i was not directly involved, but i went anyway because of this "friendship" thingy. It doesnt hurt a bit. It never hurt me to show up for a friend. I made it a point to be there for people i care about. I dont just make a speech out of it. I don't just be there because i need someone to accompany me to breakfast or lunch. I dont just be there for people because i need someone who can laugh out loud or lash at someone else. i dont just be there because i think that i need someone exclusive. i am there because i want to be there. As a friend. to be happy together. To experience the down time together.
But, people choose to be perfect instead of admitting that at some point of life they screwed up. People would rather die with their vanity i guess. Kindness is just a word without meaning. i understand that.i feel sorry for these people who have no respect for friendship and go about hurting the friendship. What's with them anyway? If you are a good friend, you would be happy for all the good things that happened to your friend. You dont go about pointing mistakes. It's not your life anyway, unless you have something going on for this friend of yours, then i can understand your bitterness. My opinion.
While i appreciate the friends i have now, i would like to express my heartfelt contempt for this one person for all the lies she told me. Big timed Liar. so my first judgment about her was right. Can't trust a pretty face. Always full of sneaky games up her sleeves.It must feel good to her to manipulate others so very easily. well, some people you just have to stay away from. .
I have been in terrible situation with people whom i think were my friends. Read: people i can trust. It turned out that these people were only there when they want someone to follow their whim and fancy. They dont have respect for my feeling. They dont have respect for the friendship. They just want a cover for their asses. Though, it was hurting first degree, i dont go about hurting them. I let everybody be happy with their choices i continue moving on with my life. I didn't go about tarnishing their good reputation. I didn't win anything but i didn't lost anything either. So it is a win-win for me. I didn't care about winning. Come to think of it, i still have some degree of respect for the good times spent together. Oh yes, it was terribly damaging to my ego but Allah has already replaced them with all the good people i met on the way to recovery. Alhamdulillah and Insya Allah, this will continue.
Just a reminder : Janganlah kerana terlalu sibuk mendongak ke langit, rasa diri di awang-awangan, menjadi sombong sampai lupa hendak berpijak di bumi yang nyata. It's always better to be kind, than being right. Kebaikan itu tak menyakitkan. Sakit itu adalah kerana kesombongan diri sendiri.
# Being kind is a purpose. Insya Allah.
Mar 21, 2013
Indecisiveness
Havent decide on anything yet. People can advice you of anything, but they dont understand what's going on with your life. They dont care about the consequence.
Havent decide whether to apply for transfer or not. i dont know what's the reason i can put there that will give me the advantage over the rest of the people who apply for transfer.
Havent decide whether to go for that person or not. Me and my insecurity always get the better of me. I don't want to be influenced by other people judgment. If i choose to be with him, it means that i have to stand strong just to be with him which i am not sure at the moment whether i want to or not. The more i think about it, the more i feel sad because my feeling is inclined on saying no to the opportunity of being with him. But if i am with him, wouldn't i be having the advantage of having someone dear that i can turn to, whenever i feel like needing support and a little bit of TLC?
i dont know whether i want to go through this life here.in this place. where it had hurt me so badly.
Mar 16, 2013
To Cupid from the Fallen
"I cant seem to find myself, No
I cant seem to ease my mind
I.Think.I am. Falling
I am falling in love and I,
I cant stop falling in love with you..."
Playing on repeat in my head. along with the mob flash... :)
Not an easy move to do. I'm not even sure i want to move to that direction. Or am i fit for the person in question. And there's no way to find out. And there's no way to ignore the question.
Im postponing the inevitable because im not ready to open my heart. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being hurt. Fear of actually being emotionally engaged to the person in question
*Fear of myself
Mar 14, 2013
Al-Fatihah
Solemn.
Another man has gone down in the battle field. The sadness that we feel will never be as greater as those whose family members had gone down in the battle. Ours is an understatement of sadness. theirs were overwhelming. Where to turn to if not to the Almighty for strength and guidance? We always are so proud of this country and we even took its peace and stability for granted. Now, it should serve as a reminder of how easily it could have taken away, how fragile life can be. Let's pray in our deepest prayer that all will be well soon, In sha Allah.
Solemn.
i was in class-a remaining fifteen minutes of time when i decided to ask my students to pray together for the Fallen. In the hope that it would incite the love for Malaysia. As i went along with my short condolence speech, i started toget overwhelmed with my emotion. i cried helplessly. My students remained in silent the few seconds of complete togetherness. i was terribly upset of the inhuman acts of the enemy. i was thinking about the helplessness. They were engaged in hours of endless tortures and humiliation-which were unthinkable for a normal thinking individual. Although later on, my sister updated that, the gangs were the drug dealers who might be under the influence of narcotics at that time. Yes, without senses and rationality, anyone can turn into a beast.
Solemn.
It remains the bloodiest of event. Us with theoretical battle experiences, and them with advanced battle techniques- there was no way we can fight experience. They dragged us down with experiences.and most probably blind courage. Bloody Bukit Kepong is brought to life
Condolence to the family. Al - Fatihah.
Another man has gone down in the battle field. The sadness that we feel will never be as greater as those whose family members had gone down in the battle. Ours is an understatement of sadness. theirs were overwhelming. Where to turn to if not to the Almighty for strength and guidance? We always are so proud of this country and we even took its peace and stability for granted. Now, it should serve as a reminder of how easily it could have taken away, how fragile life can be. Let's pray in our deepest prayer that all will be well soon, In sha Allah.
Solemn.
i was in class-a remaining fifteen minutes of time when i decided to ask my students to pray together for the Fallen. In the hope that it would incite the love for Malaysia. As i went along with my short condolence speech, i started toget overwhelmed with my emotion. i cried helplessly. My students remained in silent the few seconds of complete togetherness. i was terribly upset of the inhuman acts of the enemy. i was thinking about the helplessness. They were engaged in hours of endless tortures and humiliation-which were unthinkable for a normal thinking individual. Although later on, my sister updated that, the gangs were the drug dealers who might be under the influence of narcotics at that time. Yes, without senses and rationality, anyone can turn into a beast.
Solemn.
It remains the bloodiest of event. Us with theoretical battle experiences, and them with advanced battle techniques- there was no way we can fight experience. They dragged us down with experiences.and most probably blind courage. Bloody Bukit Kepong is brought to life
Condolence to the family. Al - Fatihah.
Mar 9, 2013
29
Saya berumur 29 tahun lima hari hari ini.
Older yes. As always hoping to be even more wiser and mature than i had been last year. Alhamdulillah ya Allah for this life and for the opportunity to still be here to fulfill my responsibility and duty.
Well, life moves on as usual. not much interesting things to discuss about. Lahad Datu is generally safe,Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.
The most unexpected birthday present was the RM300 summon for memandu laju. The nicest was a transcribed birthday card from my students. The sweetest was butter cake from my boss. Sweet because before that, i was craving for the cake, and he bought it to the office saying that " kek ini bagi kamu". That's a very kind thing to do, though shouldn't be taken personally. Too bad, at that time i was fasting. i managed to take one slice home with me. Thank you so much for the thought :)
And, my bucket list-finding a boyfriend-surprisingly progressing well. Unfortunately, i have this habit of turning down offers of serious relationship. there's just no sparks/chemistry. So i guess this bucket list would be pending for god's know how long. You can just be in a relationship whenever there's an offer / opportunity, right? I don't believe that. I don't believe in jumping into it just because you want to be in a relationship: just because everyone else is in a relationship. That would be naivety.
I don't really have a plan for this year: i dont really believe that life should be this and that. I mean, that would be a terribly stressful life. Better to live it as it is. Just live in the moment and make plans as we move along.
Everything in this world has its own natural course. Better leave it just the way it is. We will reach the conclusion sooner or later. That's Allah's promise to His Servants.
Something interesting i found in the net: "God said come forth and get eternal happiness. I came in third and get a toaster instead" sometimes, it is as simple as following Allah's way in order for happiness to take place. It is certainly for the best
Alhamdulillah Ya Allah for the all the blessing, i couldnt possibly ask for more.
Older yes. As always hoping to be even more wiser and mature than i had been last year. Alhamdulillah ya Allah for this life and for the opportunity to still be here to fulfill my responsibility and duty.
Well, life moves on as usual. not much interesting things to discuss about. Lahad Datu is generally safe,Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.
The most unexpected birthday present was the RM300 summon for memandu laju. The nicest was a transcribed birthday card from my students. The sweetest was butter cake from my boss. Sweet because before that, i was craving for the cake, and he bought it to the office saying that " kek ini bagi kamu". That's a very kind thing to do, though shouldn't be taken personally. Too bad, at that time i was fasting. i managed to take one slice home with me. Thank you so much for the thought :)
And, my bucket list-finding a boyfriend-surprisingly progressing well. Unfortunately, i have this habit of turning down offers of serious relationship. there's just no sparks/chemistry. So i guess this bucket list would be pending for god's know how long. You can just be in a relationship whenever there's an offer / opportunity, right? I don't believe that. I don't believe in jumping into it just because you want to be in a relationship: just because everyone else is in a relationship. That would be naivety.
I don't really have a plan for this year: i dont really believe that life should be this and that. I mean, that would be a terribly stressful life. Better to live it as it is. Just live in the moment and make plans as we move along.
Everything in this world has its own natural course. Better leave it just the way it is. We will reach the conclusion sooner or later. That's Allah's promise to His Servants.
Something interesting i found in the net: "God said come forth and get eternal happiness. I came in third and get a toaster instead" sometimes, it is as simple as following Allah's way in order for happiness to take place. It is certainly for the best
Alhamdulillah Ya Allah for the all the blessing, i couldnt possibly ask for more.
Mar 3, 2013
Talk is cheaper
What do we gain from the current political unrest and Malaysian's shallow mindedness? Basically nothing.
So many of those Mr. Know it all on the loose. So many opinions and coffee shop talks going on. It looks like the younger generation (my generation) is so keen to believe that the solution to all problems is arms, swords and violence. But really, what have we gained from the blood sheds? nothing. More people are dying, insecurity, and political instability. Havent we learned a single damned thing of BERSIH and the Bloody May incident?Those were all the agenda of people whose fight has nothing to do with "Malaysia". Those were for personal gains no matter what it was. Those were because some people were selfish and not sensitive to what matters. We build up this country for 50 years over and we couldn't possibly want to destroy it over night because of some people personal agenda that has nothing to do with national interest. Well some people sure need to spend precious times in the library.
The key word is "National Interest".
I dont care which party rules Putrajaya, but it has to be the one that can translate "national interest" into the system. Not just some bloody Tom, Dick and Harry who are only up for the power. This, Malaysia is not a gamble. No, Mr. Not a gamble at all.
May Allah be with us.
So many of those Mr. Know it all on the loose. So many opinions and coffee shop talks going on. It looks like the younger generation (my generation) is so keen to believe that the solution to all problems is arms, swords and violence. But really, what have we gained from the blood sheds? nothing. More people are dying, insecurity, and political instability. Havent we learned a single damned thing of BERSIH and the Bloody May incident?Those were all the agenda of people whose fight has nothing to do with "Malaysia". Those were for personal gains no matter what it was. Those were because some people were selfish and not sensitive to what matters. We build up this country for 50 years over and we couldn't possibly want to destroy it over night because of some people personal agenda that has nothing to do with national interest. Well some people sure need to spend precious times in the library.
The key word is "National Interest".
I dont care which party rules Putrajaya, but it has to be the one that can translate "national interest" into the system. Not just some bloody Tom, Dick and Harry who are only up for the power. This, Malaysia is not a gamble. No, Mr. Not a gamble at all.
May Allah be with us.
Feb 20, 2013
I am like a lawyer, with the way i'm always trying to get you off (Me &You)-No more.
grey and black, who care?
why should i spend the entire night crying you off my mind?
why should you care?
why should you?
why?
why should you treat me like my feeling doesn't count?
why should you pretend you are there?
why should you pretend?
why should you?
why?
I am boring. that's what you think.
I am agreeable. that's what you think
I am serious. that's what you think
I am old. That's what you think
I am not your friend. that's what you think.
your friends.
they are young and stupid. you're clever
they are dumb. you're clever
they don't know much. you're clever
they like fun. you think you are it
they want exclusive. you think you are it.
they are lost. you think you are a saviour.
they are pretty things, i get that. you want to be it.
so, you reject me.
Because i am everything that they are not.
i can read you like a book.
predictable.
readable.
easy to guess.
easy to sway.
just because i didn't say anything
you go about faking "friendship".
well, stop.
i'm not buying "fake"
i don't want to be in a battle
to prove my worth
either you realise it or not,
it's entirely up to you.
i'm done here.
enough. yes enough.
you lost your privilege. with me.
run along.
i need my space... (s)
just a response from my watching "i miss u", a Korean drama. So full of emotions and unfairness i ended up crying.
why should i spend the entire night crying you off my mind?
why should you care?
why should you?
why?
why should you treat me like my feeling doesn't count?
why should you pretend you are there?
why should you pretend?
why should you?
why?
I am boring. that's what you think.
I am agreeable. that's what you think
I am serious. that's what you think
I am old. That's what you think
I am not your friend. that's what you think.
your friends.
they are young and stupid. you're clever
they are dumb. you're clever
they don't know much. you're clever
they like fun. you think you are it
they want exclusive. you think you are it.
they are lost. you think you are a saviour.
they are pretty things, i get that. you want to be it.
so, you reject me.
Because i am everything that they are not.
i can read you like a book.
predictable.
readable.
easy to guess.
easy to sway.
just because i didn't say anything
you go about faking "friendship".
well, stop.
i'm not buying "fake"
i don't want to be in a battle
to prove my worth
either you realise it or not,
it's entirely up to you.
i'm done here.
enough. yes enough.
you lost your privilege. with me.
run along.
i need my space... (s)
just a response from my watching "i miss u", a Korean drama. So full of emotions and unfairness i ended up crying.
Feb 18, 2013
Go On
This is a new show in 702- astory about a guy who lost his wife in a car accident. He dont want to talk about his feeling, he dont want other people to offer sympathy, and he said to everyone that he already move on. So his company send him to a therapy so that it would help to let out his deep feeling. This group therapy will help to avoid build-up anger that is self destructive. He dont want to believe it.
i believe that it is a helpful method. When you have too many things bottled up, it will be your time bomb. waiting to explode and destroy everything. you get angry over many things, you feel like a victims, you feel wronged and maybe one of the days, you would unnecessarily hurt many people.
i noticed me. i have to let go of the toxics. i dont want to destroy myself and hurt people that i love.
Dear Self, please forgive me. i have caused you so much troubles. In Sha Allah, it will improve from now.
i believe that it is a helpful method. When you have too many things bottled up, it will be your time bomb. waiting to explode and destroy everything. you get angry over many things, you feel like a victims, you feel wronged and maybe one of the days, you would unnecessarily hurt many people.
i noticed me. i have to let go of the toxics. i dont want to destroy myself and hurt people that i love.
Dear Self, please forgive me. i have caused you so much troubles. In Sha Allah, it will improve from now.
Feb 6, 2013
Pak Abu
"♥ Allah tahu hatimu perit menahan luka...
♥ Allah mendengar doa-doa dan tangisanmu meminta...
=Namun bukan kerana DIA tidak mempedulikan nasib hamba-hambaNya..
=Tetapi sebenarnya DIA sedang memberikanmu yang terbaik walau kamu sebenarnya yang tidak menyedari..
= Bukan senang untuk redha dan pasrah..
=Hati perlu kuat dan tabah..
=Yang pasti, "setiap yang berlaku ada hikmah" "
Melankolik sikit hari ini. Cengeng lah saya ni. dan semuanya sebab there's something about Pak Abu that made me feel like crying again.
Jika inilah yg terbaik, maka kita harus belajar menerima 'ketiadaan" dia. Kerana sooner or later, dia pasti akan benar-benar hilang.
Belajar-belajarlah.
♥ Allah mendengar doa-doa dan tangisanmu meminta...
=Namun bukan kerana DIA tidak mempedulikan nasib hamba-hambaNya..
=Tetapi sebenarnya DIA sedang memberikanmu yang terbaik walau kamu sebenarnya yang tidak menyedari..
= Bukan senang untuk redha dan pasrah..
=Hati perlu kuat dan tabah..
=Yang pasti, "setiap yang berlaku ada hikmah" "
Melankolik sikit hari ini. Cengeng lah saya ni. dan semuanya sebab there's something about Pak Abu that made me feel like crying again.
Jika inilah yg terbaik, maka kita harus belajar menerima 'ketiadaan" dia. Kerana sooner or later, dia pasti akan benar-benar hilang.
Belajar-belajarlah.
Feb 4, 2013
Tea Factor
I couldn't sleep.
I started to think that maybe tea is not my stuff. i have been having this nauseous and dizzy feeling after consuming a bag (meaning a cup) of Boh. Idont understand why i have that reaction whenever i took tea. uncomfortable to the max.
i forgot to bring the paper to be marked. no wonder i feel something is missing. I believe i have the entire next week (starting tomorrow) to mark all. Next week is also among the busiest. Not as busy as any of my busy days but busy. Starting monday, i would have two classes in the morning. and in the afternoon, a briefing for accreditation. On tuesday, i have replacement at night. Wednesday i have class early in the morning and in the afternoon till 1630 hour. On thursday, i have research methodology workshop. Friday, i have one class in the morning. and i the rest of my free time, i'll spend to do the work for scholarship. Still so much of a busy girl. But not as busy as before. Thank god.
By wednesday, i hope, everything should be given to my students.
by Thursday or Friday, i should go and see Pak Abu asked him whether he would be willing to take my car into his care while im away on holiday. I dont have many friends that i can trust with my belongings. I dont like to simply leave it to other people because im not used to other people. Coming back to my trust issue. And again, it would be easier for me to leave my car to him, because it means that i dont have to ask someone to come and fetch me anywhere. Convenience for me. Convenience for him. Long standing friendship and trust. What more can i ask of him other than that? i learned from my previous experience. and i dont like it being passed around to just everybody or anybody-who in real life never ever had anything to do with me. Call me selfish, but arent we all when it comes to something we love?
By saturday, i would be out of town on the earliest bus to Miri. And few hours before midnight i'll be at home. With people that love me the most.
Cant wait for this week to end.
I started to think that maybe tea is not my stuff. i have been having this nauseous and dizzy feeling after consuming a bag (meaning a cup) of Boh. Idont understand why i have that reaction whenever i took tea. uncomfortable to the max.
i forgot to bring the paper to be marked. no wonder i feel something is missing. I believe i have the entire next week (starting tomorrow) to mark all. Next week is also among the busiest. Not as busy as any of my busy days but busy. Starting monday, i would have two classes in the morning. and in the afternoon, a briefing for accreditation. On tuesday, i have replacement at night. Wednesday i have class early in the morning and in the afternoon till 1630 hour. On thursday, i have research methodology workshop. Friday, i have one class in the morning. and i the rest of my free time, i'll spend to do the work for scholarship. Still so much of a busy girl. But not as busy as before. Thank god.
By wednesday, i hope, everything should be given to my students.
by Thursday or Friday, i should go and see Pak Abu asked him whether he would be willing to take my car into his care while im away on holiday. I dont have many friends that i can trust with my belongings. I dont like to simply leave it to other people because im not used to other people. Coming back to my trust issue. And again, it would be easier for me to leave my car to him, because it means that i dont have to ask someone to come and fetch me anywhere. Convenience for me. Convenience for him. Long standing friendship and trust. What more can i ask of him other than that? i learned from my previous experience. and i dont like it being passed around to just everybody or anybody-who in real life never ever had anything to do with me. Call me selfish, but arent we all when it comes to something we love?
By saturday, i would be out of town on the earliest bus to Miri. And few hours before midnight i'll be at home. With people that love me the most.
Cant wait for this week to end.
Jan 31, 2013
Marah
Im in a little bit of a mood swing today. Maybe it was the awful dream last night. The mood changes from sad to angry. i just cant figure out what's wrong. Then i got hit in the face. I was angry with myself, again for letting people take advantage of my readiness to help. i felt used and manipulated. i am bored that it is about to happen again. Basically, everything angers me.
As if everyone is freaking perfect, and unselfish. i am angry that i let that get to my head. i feel like throwing tantrums but forced to just endure. well, something isnt right here.
I am angry that i let some people used me for selfish reasons. Haih, cover line la sangat. Lepas tu masa kecewa-kecewa, baru nak cakap, "actually we are blablabla". Damned it. You want to court someone, you go get that someone. Don't use me as a smokescreen! I have eyes and i can understand. I dont want to pretend like i dont know that. Arghh!!angry.
Maybe, for the time being, i really need to give myself some space. Go into the cave. Be alone. That would make me feel better.
#saya rasa sangat dikhianati.
As if everyone is freaking perfect, and unselfish. i am angry that i let that get to my head. i feel like throwing tantrums but forced to just endure. well, something isnt right here.
I am angry that i let some people used me for selfish reasons. Haih, cover line la sangat. Lepas tu masa kecewa-kecewa, baru nak cakap, "actually we are blablabla". Damned it. You want to court someone, you go get that someone. Don't use me as a smokescreen! I have eyes and i can understand. I dont want to pretend like i dont know that. Arghh!!angry.
Maybe, for the time being, i really need to give myself some space. Go into the cave. Be alone. That would make me feel better.
#saya rasa sangat dikhianati.
Jan 29, 2013
Bullet Points
- Been hanging around the house again. Not in the mood to go out and about.
- It seems that im compensating for the lost "me" time. where i go home and not think about serious matters. Where i can just relax, watch tv or do anything i wish to do. I have many plans to do for my class. Just accomplished one today. I went out to the town and bought a speaker. Either im an egoist, couldn't bring myself to talk to my ex-bestmate who happened to be the one holding the lab's key or i want convenient. i want convenient. it will make things easy for me. and because, i dont have his number.see, my excuses? all for my convenient.
- Currently finishing up a book i bought last weekend.
- searching on the net for my research on communicative english
- Updating my FRP, diligently.
- Next week, gonna start marking my students' assessment.
- Going home for CNY. My baby brother dont want to talk to me because he said i have new baby. alaa, so sweet. :)
- finally talked to my ex-bestmate current girlfriend. it was easy. Time to forget him.
- for the first time in two years, i went and played volleyball. my arms, and neck ached from the twisting and turning and hitting, but it felt wonderful.
- Im so in love with mature people, and found out that currently i am attracted to two persons. Can i have both? :)
- i'm happy and didn't realise it..:)
- Alhamdulillah
Jan 27, 2013
weight-losing programme
It seems that i get better at cooking. some of it are pretty much instant but i insist on cooking some of it. Last time, i had paratha filled with minced beef cooked in curry flavour. Today, i had paratha filled with chicken. There, it's the new way of forgetting about eating rice. My weight has stabilised again to 55 kg. Previously, it has reached 57 kg. Though, just 2kg difference, but we are talking about progress here. Yes! Something is working right. a year ago, my weight is 50kg. So, tell me..who wouldn't panic to see that it has increased to 7kg?
i was laughing hard looking at the picture above. Yes, the only thing i must drag myself to do now is exercise. No diet control would ever be successful without physical activity. i believe that's the answer. But right now i'm kinda lazy to do all the physical activity. one or two, then i get bored. Oh please, i want to get my old weight. i want to fit nicely into my clothes, some of them are out of question now..hahahaha
I have cut down on caffeine. instead of 3 cups in a day, the number has gone down to one cup during breakfast. At the moment, i didn't buy bread. Eating rice in a day has gone down to once a day. i try changing coffee to tea. I eat less sugary food, cakes, junk food (which i never really actually buy) Nasi lemak is also out from the list, KFC (in moderation), pastry has gone down to once a week. Everything must change. i have to get my old diet pattern.
Yes, i can do it!
Jan 24, 2013
Of the people i love
i appreciate quiet time. doing my own things. staying indoor.
i am cleaning a room for my brother, now that he is very near. putting off things i dont need and making it ready and accessible. Accessible being the operative word because i used to put loads of things there, my scarves, my PES 1 is there. the room is practically full of things. So, maybe, i'll be needing boxes to put away all those things. i need a new standing fan because the overhead fan can't be use anymore. i used to sleep in that room whenever i find it hard to sleep in the master bedroom. Sometimes, i get paranoia with the master bedrooom when i couldn't sleep and started to feel like getting hysterical in the room. So funny to think back now, but that was when i am still so much in heartbroken state. Maybe mum was right when she said that the room feels better because i pray there. Now that i'm ok, i sleep like a baby. I don't care anymore for what happened in the past.
when my other brother was here, he helped me to fix my bathroom door, which happened to be almost unhinged. i came back from work one afternoon and it was all in order. So grateful for the people who love me. He helped me fix the cord for drying clothes at the balcony and helped me removed all the stuffs left by the person before me. It was three years ago, and it was just being removed in 2012. so much of helping i need. and glad that they are here to help. i feel happier thinking that i wont be all alone this year, and at least i have someone to turn to. This year is going to be a different turn.
Pak Abu did something so heartwarming this week. im on emergency leave on monday. So my students phoned me to say that the lecturer that was supposed to take over my class hadn't show up yet. I didn't know who to call, so i called him. He didn't pick up. after awhile he called and i started stumbling all over for words to explain. Later, he texted me asking whether i'm okay or not. I found that it was very nice of him to ask. But forgot to thank him. i am still so much a sucker for kindness. Thank u Pak Abu. A good friend you are.
Something i have to remind myself: have to stop hanging out with some people. Simply because i dont want to complicate things. it seems that one is down. i don't want to repeat what happened in the past. Let's make the boundary clear, "no complication is tolerable" ground is on. Sorry dear friend. i am somewhat a conventional lady. i don't want to be seen with some other people's fiancee/ boyfriend / etc.
i guess, at the moment i should be thanking all of the good people who, in ways, help me move along with life. i am always the kind of person who love the small things people do to me or for me, things that move me in a way only i can appreciate it.
Believe me it means so much.
i am cleaning a room for my brother, now that he is very near. putting off things i dont need and making it ready and accessible. Accessible being the operative word because i used to put loads of things there, my scarves, my PES 1 is there. the room is practically full of things. So, maybe, i'll be needing boxes to put away all those things. i need a new standing fan because the overhead fan can't be use anymore. i used to sleep in that room whenever i find it hard to sleep in the master bedroom. Sometimes, i get paranoia with the master bedrooom when i couldn't sleep and started to feel like getting hysterical in the room. So funny to think back now, but that was when i am still so much in heartbroken state. Maybe mum was right when she said that the room feels better because i pray there. Now that i'm ok, i sleep like a baby. I don't care anymore for what happened in the past.
when my other brother was here, he helped me to fix my bathroom door, which happened to be almost unhinged. i came back from work one afternoon and it was all in order. So grateful for the people who love me. He helped me fix the cord for drying clothes at the balcony and helped me removed all the stuffs left by the person before me. It was three years ago, and it was just being removed in 2012. so much of helping i need. and glad that they are here to help. i feel happier thinking that i wont be all alone this year, and at least i have someone to turn to. This year is going to be a different turn.
Pak Abu did something so heartwarming this week. im on emergency leave on monday. So my students phoned me to say that the lecturer that was supposed to take over my class hadn't show up yet. I didn't know who to call, so i called him. He didn't pick up. after awhile he called and i started stumbling all over for words to explain. Later, he texted me asking whether i'm okay or not. I found that it was very nice of him to ask. But forgot to thank him. i am still so much a sucker for kindness. Thank u Pak Abu. A good friend you are.
Something i have to remind myself: have to stop hanging out with some people. Simply because i dont want to complicate things. it seems that one is down. i don't want to repeat what happened in the past. Let's make the boundary clear, "no complication is tolerable" ground is on. Sorry dear friend. i am somewhat a conventional lady. i don't want to be seen with some other people's fiancee/ boyfriend / etc.
i guess, at the moment i should be thanking all of the good people who, in ways, help me move along with life. i am always the kind of person who love the small things people do to me or for me, things that move me in a way only i can appreciate it.
Believe me it means so much.
Jan 23, 2013
Nice, Quiet and Loving it
Alhamdulillah. for so many small adjustments that are opening up spaces and rooms to breath.
Yesterday, there was a meeting with number three. So i went up there with the intention to fight stubborn with stubborn. I think it's about time to really be decisive about life. To think carefully about what i want instead of what other people want to be done. So i came cautiously, knowing what it was at stakes and tabled my own counter proposal. looks like i get what i want. But i was given the ultimatum, whether to stay with my (ex) current post and let go of my student's affair post, or stay with student's affair and lost the quality officer post. Gladly i chose the second option. i believe that, i am better off without quality. and because i started to love HEPP so to say. Furthermore, i understand that, there's a professional needs to find someone with strong ISO background. What i knew was laymen's way of doing things and might not be fit with the standard requirement. People who have the experience would do it according to the standard procedure. So, yes. There's every need to find someone who is in line with that. I am happy with what i have, and found that i have many spaces in my head for other things. my boss at student's affair said, that he was glad i didn't choose the first option. He said, when i came out from number three's office smiling, he thought i've already accepted the first option. But i didn't. Thank you for the silent support boss, really appreciated it.
For example, i've finished with my questions of which i found it so hard to do before.
So, for this year. i aimed to do these things, In shaa Allah:
a) Article Review
b) Research
c) Join in Jabatan's activity-i have one in mind actually-co-penyelia projek, some other projects that might come up.
i feel that happier older time is coming back to me. Though at the moment, i am still dazed by my own happiness.
Alhamdulillah, thank you Ya Rabb for removing some of my burden of responsibility. Alhamdulillah.
Yesterday, there was a meeting with number three. So i went up there with the intention to fight stubborn with stubborn. I think it's about time to really be decisive about life. To think carefully about what i want instead of what other people want to be done. So i came cautiously, knowing what it was at stakes and tabled my own counter proposal. looks like i get what i want. But i was given the ultimatum, whether to stay with my (ex) current post and let go of my student's affair post, or stay with student's affair and lost the quality officer post. Gladly i chose the second option. i believe that, i am better off without quality. and because i started to love HEPP so to say. Furthermore, i understand that, there's a professional needs to find someone with strong ISO background. What i knew was laymen's way of doing things and might not be fit with the standard requirement. People who have the experience would do it according to the standard procedure. So, yes. There's every need to find someone who is in line with that. I am happy with what i have, and found that i have many spaces in my head for other things. my boss at student's affair said, that he was glad i didn't choose the first option. He said, when i came out from number three's office smiling, he thought i've already accepted the first option. But i didn't. Thank you for the silent support boss, really appreciated it.
For example, i've finished with my questions of which i found it so hard to do before.
So, for this year. i aimed to do these things, In shaa Allah:
a) Article Review
b) Research
c) Join in Jabatan's activity-i have one in mind actually-co-penyelia projek, some other projects that might come up.
i feel that happier older time is coming back to me. Though at the moment, i am still dazed by my own happiness.
Alhamdulillah, thank you Ya Rabb for removing some of my burden of responsibility. Alhamdulillah.
Jan 19, 2013
The thing i have to do
i give up doing this essay question. i don't know what it means by 6 items, 25 marks. But the division is either you have 3 questions with 25 marks / 2 questions with 25 marks. so item is referring to what? One item 25 marks, meaning 1 set or 1 set of 25 marks, 6 questions in it???Huh.desperation and depression.
Just hope that it would be done by the time im leaving tomorrow or i have to bring all of my gadgets with me.
Working on it diligently since wednesday, and so far managed to create 2 questions only.
Jan 18, 2013
Seeking for my normal self. alone.
Raining cats and dogs.
I feel relieved that the Surveillance Audit is done. Though the result is pretty much similar with the last, but at least some of the process we managed to clean up. For example P&P. I am a person with low expectation o things, but i guess i didnt do it whole heartedly. i did what i can. and alone. Given the fact that i didn't really have the help i needed, then one NC and 5 OFI is good for me. Alhamdulillah. definitely a point to be thankful for. To quote the auditor: it has improved.
My brother got accepted for Kolej Kesihatan Awam, meaning that he would undergo a training for two years, and in sha Allah be working by 2015. Alhamdulillah, another point to be thankful. At least, we are not the rich kids who live on mummy and daddy's wealth. Anymore. Some of our cousins and relatives always refer to us as that. It doesn't matter. They just don't need to know our story. It's for us to know. At least, mummy and daddy are happy that they wont have to worry about our future anymore. Alhamdulillah.
A bunch of friends asked me to go out and eat in the evening. I didn't go. i just dont feel like going out and laugh out loud with people who might not understand my feeling, and continue as if it doesn't matter. After all the mental exhaustion, i dont feel like discussing anything. i don't like listening to people commenting on this and that, being here and there while they actually just want to show me how much they dont know. it is no fun feeling irritated.i m just not in the mood to entertain ignorance of fact.. i don't know. maybe i'm bored of the fact that people like to spice things up according to their preferences. i just need to be alone. Some time alone to be normal again.
i'm tired. of people.at the moment.
I feel relieved that the Surveillance Audit is done. Though the result is pretty much similar with the last, but at least some of the process we managed to clean up. For example P&P. I am a person with low expectation o things, but i guess i didnt do it whole heartedly. i did what i can. and alone. Given the fact that i didn't really have the help i needed, then one NC and 5 OFI is good for me. Alhamdulillah. definitely a point to be thankful for. To quote the auditor: it has improved.
My brother got accepted for Kolej Kesihatan Awam, meaning that he would undergo a training for two years, and in sha Allah be working by 2015. Alhamdulillah, another point to be thankful. At least, we are not the rich kids who live on mummy and daddy's wealth. Anymore. Some of our cousins and relatives always refer to us as that. It doesn't matter. They just don't need to know our story. It's for us to know. At least, mummy and daddy are happy that they wont have to worry about our future anymore. Alhamdulillah.
A bunch of friends asked me to go out and eat in the evening. I didn't go. i just dont feel like going out and laugh out loud with people who might not understand my feeling, and continue as if it doesn't matter. After all the mental exhaustion, i dont feel like discussing anything. i don't like listening to people commenting on this and that, being here and there while they actually just want to show me how much they dont know. it is no fun feeling irritated.i m just not in the mood to entertain ignorance of fact.. i don't know. maybe i'm bored of the fact that people like to spice things up according to their preferences. i just need to be alone. Some time alone to be normal again.
i'm tired. of people.at the moment.
Jan 13, 2013
No. There's no life after you.
Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time
Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time
Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you
But, to still be with you and throw responsibility out? No i can't. and yes, i don't regret it.
Jan 10, 2013
Throwing my pen across the room
Anyway, the word for today is delaying gratification- a financial related term referring to how you put off from making any financial decision until it is economically profitable for you. In a laymen's term, you postponed something in order to get more satisfaction. Nice term . i was amused to think that these people are going to have lots of problem learning financial management from a lite grad like me. i am too much of a thinker to see it from a more practical side.. hahaha. I mean, who cares? it is after all a term. Dont start giving lengthy definition on it AJ. Funny!
Soft skills is a very interesting subject. though at the moment, because of my other commitment, i couldnt really give input to it. But i coped well. Presentation and group discussion? that, i would say is my forte. commenting and getting involved in the ideas presented by my students. Give them the opportunity to enjoy it. Discussing ideas and watching, as their creativeness come to life. Such an interesting ventures
it started off quite innocent for my Communicative Class. Suddenly when one group presented about marrying in an early age, there it changed into a heated discussion. At the end of the discussion, they even requested for a debate in class. I quite love the experiment. One of my students saying the phrase "you cant", or "it shouldn't" too many time. Maybe that's they way it was drilled into her head. She seemed to dislike the phrase "open minded". So i said, that being open minded is not negative. it doesn't mean that you dont care about anything. It only mean that you understand more. And there's one student who keeps on insisting that everything is fated. One cant run away from it. most of the students believe that you are the one who choose for everything. i quite like the discussion, in short. very refreshing.
Too many sharks in "attack" mood today. This i would termed as: people who looked like they have good intention, but are actually trying to pull your legs in a very sneaky way. Busuk hati. Im not surprised though. i'm amused. so predictable. I do have lots of anger but i knew that it's not worth an ounce. So instead, i pray that one of these days they get to walk in my shoes and experience the fun. Im not a punching bag, and i would never be one for anybody anymore.
i want so much to ask Pak Abu for breakfast today, but i didnt have the courage to even ask. So i didn't.
I pray that everything turns out well for the Surveillance Audit next week. Insya Allah.
Soft skills is a very interesting subject. though at the moment, because of my other commitment, i couldnt really give input to it. But i coped well. Presentation and group discussion? that, i would say is my forte. commenting and getting involved in the ideas presented by my students. Give them the opportunity to enjoy it. Discussing ideas and watching, as their creativeness come to life. Such an interesting ventures
it started off quite innocent for my Communicative Class. Suddenly when one group presented about marrying in an early age, there it changed into a heated discussion. At the end of the discussion, they even requested for a debate in class. I quite love the experiment. One of my students saying the phrase "you cant", or "it shouldn't" too many time. Maybe that's they way it was drilled into her head. She seemed to dislike the phrase "open minded". So i said, that being open minded is not negative. it doesn't mean that you dont care about anything. It only mean that you understand more. And there's one student who keeps on insisting that everything is fated. One cant run away from it. most of the students believe that you are the one who choose for everything. i quite like the discussion, in short. very refreshing.
Too many sharks in "attack" mood today. This i would termed as: people who looked like they have good intention, but are actually trying to pull your legs in a very sneaky way. Busuk hati. Im not surprised though. i'm amused. so predictable. I do have lots of anger but i knew that it's not worth an ounce. So instead, i pray that one of these days they get to walk in my shoes and experience the fun. Im not a punching bag, and i would never be one for anybody anymore.
i want so much to ask Pak Abu for breakfast today, but i didnt have the courage to even ask. So i didn't.
I pray that everything turns out well for the Surveillance Audit next week. Insya Allah.
Jan 8, 2013
Danger
I know that what im doing is dangerous to my peace of mind. But still im doing it again. i shouldn't. Too much to ask.
Jan 7, 2013
It's just Monday but..
Too many things to do. Although this is nothing new to me, but it is harder when it is involving other people.
I have three class today. one in 7.30 and then in 11.30, and another one in the afternoon. Thankful that classes were filled with activities. So i can afford to have a little quiet time while waiting for them to finish up with discussion, as well as watching them do presentation. i really hope that what i did was enjoyable to them. i was impatience most of the time. thinking about letters to send, letters to write out. documents to check, and ensuring that everything turns out just as it was supposed to be. i have to admit that i'm not a wonder woman. couldn't possibly do everything all at once. So tomorrow, i'm going to spend some of my time actually doing other things that i havent got the time doing today. The nerve wrecked i am. learn to breath out and breath in AJ. Be careful. it's better if it is done properly the first time, then have to do one things repeatedly.
I planned to go jogging today. Instead i went out with my friend. Eating! and i am getting Fat! Terribly Stressful. I have always been this slim and thin girl. so, when i realised that im getting bigger..Oh Dear! the Stress. My new strategy is including eating lots of fruits and water. less on the sugar. Just when i am getting comfortable a friend asked me for a night out, eat again. and there goes the diet. down the drain. The trouble is my body seemed to retain all the water from the fruit. My diet must be too much salt. I have to cut on eating out. Have to cut on crackers. i have to cut on rice. But mostly, i should try exercising! My brother said that, it must have come from the physical works i used to do and stop. so therefore, it is the muscle thickening. speaking from a point of view as an athlete. But he is a rugger. Rugby player are usually tough and big right. I dont want to be tough and big. And he said, quite sympathetically: sis, you're not fat. you are just fine. And i still dont believe him.
Pending: i have notes to prepare for my Finance class, and 6 essay questions to submit to my superior. and a SIRIM surveillance Audit on Monday.
My life couldn't get any better.
I have three class today. one in 7.30 and then in 11.30, and another one in the afternoon. Thankful that classes were filled with activities. So i can afford to have a little quiet time while waiting for them to finish up with discussion, as well as watching them do presentation. i really hope that what i did was enjoyable to them. i was impatience most of the time. thinking about letters to send, letters to write out. documents to check, and ensuring that everything turns out just as it was supposed to be. i have to admit that i'm not a wonder woman. couldn't possibly do everything all at once. So tomorrow, i'm going to spend some of my time actually doing other things that i havent got the time doing today. The nerve wrecked i am. learn to breath out and breath in AJ. Be careful. it's better if it is done properly the first time, then have to do one things repeatedly.
I planned to go jogging today. Instead i went out with my friend. Eating! and i am getting Fat! Terribly Stressful. I have always been this slim and thin girl. so, when i realised that im getting bigger..Oh Dear! the Stress. My new strategy is including eating lots of fruits and water. less on the sugar. Just when i am getting comfortable a friend asked me for a night out, eat again. and there goes the diet. down the drain. The trouble is my body seemed to retain all the water from the fruit. My diet must be too much salt. I have to cut on eating out. Have to cut on crackers. i have to cut on rice. But mostly, i should try exercising! My brother said that, it must have come from the physical works i used to do and stop. so therefore, it is the muscle thickening. speaking from a point of view as an athlete. But he is a rugger. Rugby player are usually tough and big right. I dont want to be tough and big. And he said, quite sympathetically: sis, you're not fat. you are just fine. And i still dont believe him.
Pending: i have notes to prepare for my Finance class, and 6 essay questions to submit to my superior. and a SIRIM surveillance Audit on Monday.
My life couldn't get any better.
Jan 5, 2013
Anna and The King
So a friend of mine, who is amazed that i'm still single to this day suddenly said: so Ana, where's The King?
and i said "on the way?". Funny but that has become FAQ nowadays. i couldn't be bother. i have already run out of answer. :)
By the way, watched Maria Eleena's reception on TV. Thinking that, after Lisa Surihani, i would say that this was the second time that i am really excited about planning a wedding. the tradition, the dressing up, the ornament, the event. Everything is so beautiful. I think it is an interesting business venture, but then i have to have the skills. Planning a wedding is a creative venture- one that cant be too technical. it is the affair of the heart, which is why it is very appealing. Just because i love wedding, doesn't mean that i can open up a business right?After all business is all about the strategy.
For me, I am thinking of having a simple wedding.Or maybe a quiet affair, but with all the traditions? yes, yes. i want a wedding like that.
So, the next bucket list should be effective from now on: finding the king...or is it identifying? Hahaha, this is not building on exam question. This is life, my dear..
Insya Allah :)
and i said "on the way?". Funny but that has become FAQ nowadays. i couldn't be bother. i have already run out of answer. :)
By the way, watched Maria Eleena's reception on TV. Thinking that, after Lisa Surihani, i would say that this was the second time that i am really excited about planning a wedding. the tradition, the dressing up, the ornament, the event. Everything is so beautiful. I think it is an interesting business venture, but then i have to have the skills. Planning a wedding is a creative venture- one that cant be too technical. it is the affair of the heart, which is why it is very appealing. Just because i love wedding, doesn't mean that i can open up a business right?After all business is all about the strategy.
For me, I am thinking of having a simple wedding.Or maybe a quiet affair, but with all the traditions? yes, yes. i want a wedding like that.
So, the next bucket list should be effective from now on: finding the king...or is it identifying? Hahaha, this is not building on exam question. This is life, my dear..
Insya Allah :)
Jan 3, 2013
Mad World
Madness. The first few days of the new year are plain madness. Many things to get my hands on. Madness as a result of uncertainties, unsure and too many loose ends need to be tightened. Though, everything seemed to be well under control, but there's a moment in the early morning hour, when the alarm ticked off, that i dont want to go out and face the world at all. such tiredness that it made me impatient, and moody. How do i fare as of today? well, my mantra is when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.
I'm not at all in good mood. At least, when i tried to be understanding of other people plight and woe, i would expect them to at least be there for me when i need them. This job is not easy, being the head. I just have to take care of everything. It hurts really when people take their responsibility for granted. i really am angry today. Instead of being there to help, they just disappear and leave me alone to handle their fair share of the responsibility. I mean, come on people! i do have classes and other things to do. if you dont want the bigger part, at least do yours. Im so stressful. i hate to spend time with my friends when im stressful. i will be the most annoying person. Perhaps, i have to learn to say NO. Yes, i have to learn that word.
As much as i want everything to work out just fine, and despite my positive outlook, this is one of the many points in my life when i think that everything is IMPOSSIBLE to do or to happen.
I'm not at all in good mood. At least, when i tried to be understanding of other people plight and woe, i would expect them to at least be there for me when i need them. This job is not easy, being the head. I just have to take care of everything. It hurts really when people take their responsibility for granted. i really am angry today. Instead of being there to help, they just disappear and leave me alone to handle their fair share of the responsibility. I mean, come on people! i do have classes and other things to do. if you dont want the bigger part, at least do yours. Im so stressful. i hate to spend time with my friends when im stressful. i will be the most annoying person. Perhaps, i have to learn to say NO. Yes, i have to learn that word.
As much as i want everything to work out just fine, and despite my positive outlook, this is one of the many points in my life when i think that everything is IMPOSSIBLE to do or to happen.
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