it is a very meaningful 2009 for me.i experienced a lot of things that made me so happy, excited things, emotional things and sad. i learned alot, and hopefully for the next year, i will be able to apply it for the better.there are many things that spiced up my existence.physical and mental journey that had been very stimulating-whether it is sad or happy.
i would like to thank everybody for making every part of my 2009 interesting and worthy.
i would like to apologize for any wrongdoing i have done-whatever it might be.and hoping that everybody will forgive me for mine.i know i can be very emotional but thank you for being my friend.i already forgive and forget whatever it is that making me upset.i dont hold grudges.:o)
i would like to thank a particular person, whether he reads this or not..i dont know you that much.and i think that you really come from Mars..LOL
seriously, i like you.and im not sorry at all for whatever that has happened.i think you are nice, responsible, and can be a good friend if u are in the mood. but probably you need to add a little more sense of humour(u are just too quick to judge), a little more sensitive to feelings and stop feeling that you need to prove that you are worthy.because you are worthy of yourself.whatever it is you decide for your life, i wish you get the best.
i have 2 major goals for 2010.which i will update the progress from time to time.i dont want to say it.Insyaallah.
Wishing you all the best time to come, and whatever you dream of comes true.Bye for 2009.
Dec 31, 2009
Reflection
1. DUNIA INI SEMENTARA, ALLAH PENENTU SEGALANYA
Sentiasa menyedari bahawa hidup di dunia ini hanya lah sementara dan permainan sahaja. Kita hidup atas dunia ini hanya sekali, jadi kita tidak boleh mensia-siakannya dengan sesuatu yang tidak bermakna.
Ikhtiar yang disertai dengan niat yang sempurna itulah yang perlu ada. Perkara apapun yang terjadi, kita patut serahkan sepenuhnya kepada Allah Yang Maha Tahu agar menentukan yang terbaik buat kita.
Kita harus sedar betul bahawa, yang terbaik bagi kita menurut pandangan kita, belum tentu terbaik bagi kita menurut Allah Ta’ala.
Pengetahuan kita tentang diri kita atau tentang apapun amat terbatas. Sedangkan pengetahuan Allah menyeliputi segala-galanya. Sehingga betapa pun kita sangat menginginkan sesuatu, tetapi hati kita harus kita persiapkan untuk menghadapi kenyataan yang tak sesuai dengan harapan kita. Kerana mungkin itulah yang terbaik bagi kita.
Ingatlah bahawa, ALLAH itu Maha Adil lagi Bijaksana.
2. REDHA
Realiti hidup yang terjadi pada kita, kita kena terima dengan redha dan seadanya. Itulah kenyataan dan episod hidup yang harus kita jalani.
Emosional, sakit hati, tertekan, atau apa jua perkara yang membuat hati kita menjadi kecewa dan sengsara, harus kita tinggalkan. Ingatlah bahawa, samaada kita tertekan dan tidak gembira, atau kita tidak tertekan dan gembira, ia tetap begitu jadinya.
Maka adalah lebih baik kita redha dan terima apa yang berlaku dengan berlapang dada dan hati yang terbuka. Perit kita telan, manis pun kita telan. Nikmatilah pahit manis itu seadanya.
3. INGAT JANJI ALLAH
Meyakini bahawa hidup ini bagai siang dan malam yang pasti silih berganti. Tak mungkin siang terus menerus dan tak mungkin juga malam terus menerus. Pasti setiap kesenangan ada hujungnya begitulah masalah yang menimpa kita, pasti ada akhirnya. Kita harus sangat sabar menghadapinya.
Ujian yang diturunkan Allah kepada kita, pasti sudah ditetapkan dengan penuh keadilan. Tak mungkin ujian yang menimpa itu, melampaui batas kemampuan kita. Kerana Allah tak pernah menzalimi hamba-hambaNya.
Ingatlah bahawa, semua fikiran negatif dan emosi buruk kita hanya akan mempersulitkan dan menyengsarakan diri kita saja. Pujuklah h ati, agar kita tidak menekan diri sendiri. Hati dan fikiran kita dipujuk agar tetap tenang, tabah dan sabar.
Kita harus berani menghadapi mehnah masalah ujian demi ujian. Kita tak boleh lari dari kenyataan. Kerana lari nya kita itu tak akan menyelesaikan masalah. Bahkan ia sebaliknya hanya akan menambah permasalahan.
Jadi, semua yang berlaku harus kita hadapi dengan baik. Kita tak boleh menyerah mudah, kita tak boleh kalah menyerah.
Pastinya segala sesuatu itu ada akhirnya. Begitu jualah permasalahan yang kita hadapi. Seberat manapun ujian Allah pada kita, yakinlah dengan janji Allah Ta’ala : “Fa innama’al usri yusran, inna ma’al usri yusran”. Maka sesungguhnya bersama kesulitan itu pasti ada kemudahan, dan bersama kesulitan itu pasti ada kemudahan.
Janji Allah itu pasti benar. Kerana itu, apalah guna kita menekan diri.
4. PASTI ADA HIKMAH
Semua apa yang terjadi, samaada baik atau buruk, terjadi adalah dengan izin dan kehendak Allah Ta’ala. Dan pastinya Allah tak mungkin berbuat sesuatu dengan sia-sia.
Setiap sesuatu perkara itu, pasti ada hikmah disebaliknya. Sepahit mana pun derita yang kita tanggung, pasti ada kebaikan yang terkandung di dalamnya jika kita terima dan hadapi dengan sabar dan redha.
Cuba kita renung dan fikirkan, kenapa Allah mentakdirkan semua ini menimpa kita. Setidak-tidaknya ia adalah sebagai peringatan atas dosa-dosa dan kelalaian yang kita telah lakukan. Atau mungkin Allah mahu naikkan darjat dan kedudukan kita di sisi Nya.
Mungkin agak sukar untuk kita sedar kesilapan dan kesalahan yang telah kita lakukan. Namun, iktibar dari setiap ujian yang menimpa sebenarnya mencerminkan amalan dan tingkah laku yang kita lakukan.
Tak usah takut atau bimbang menerima kekurangan dan kesilapan yang kita telah lakukan. Yang penting, kita mesti berazam sungguh-sungguh untuk memperbaiki kelemahan yang ada. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Pengampun dan Maha Penerima Taubat. Muhasabahlah diri, bertaubat atas dosa dan mohonlah hidayah dan kekuatan daripadaNya.
5. ALLAH SAJA PENOLONG KITA
Kita wajib meyakini bahawa, walau seluruh manusia, jin dan semua makhluk atas dunia ini bergabung untuk menolong kita sekalipun, ketetapan Allah tetap akan berlaku. Semua usaha pasti tidak akan membuahkan hasil tanpa izin Allah Ta’ala.
Hati kita mesti bulat yakin sepenuhnya bahwa hanya Allah lah satu-satunya yang dapat menolong dan memberi jalan keluar terbaik daripada sebarang perkara yang terjadi. Allah Maha Berkuasa atas segala-galanya. Dialah pemilik dan penguasa segala sesuatu. Dialah yang mengatur segala-galanya.
Maka, kita harus bermunajat dan berusaha menagih simpati daripadaNya agar menolong kita. Mengadu dan dekatilah Allah dengan membuat amalan yang disukaiNya. Pohonlah hidayah, kekuatan dan pertolongan daripadaNya. Bebaskan hati dan diri kita daripada mengharap pada makhluk dan selain daripada Allah. Tagih dan pintalah pertolongan dengan sabar dan solat. (Sila baca mengenai FALSAFAH KUCING di sini)
Ingatlah firman Allah Ta’ala yang bermaksud ;
“Barang siapa bertakwal kepada Allah, nescaya akan diberi jalan keluar dari setiap urusannya dan diberi rezeki dari arah yang tak disangka-sangka, dan barang siapa yang bertawakal kepada Allah nescaya akan dicukupi segala keperluannya.” (QS [65] : 2-3
Sentiasa menyedari bahawa hidup di dunia ini hanya lah sementara dan permainan sahaja. Kita hidup atas dunia ini hanya sekali, jadi kita tidak boleh mensia-siakannya dengan sesuatu yang tidak bermakna.
Ikhtiar yang disertai dengan niat yang sempurna itulah yang perlu ada. Perkara apapun yang terjadi, kita patut serahkan sepenuhnya kepada Allah Yang Maha Tahu agar menentukan yang terbaik buat kita.
Kita harus sedar betul bahawa, yang terbaik bagi kita menurut pandangan kita, belum tentu terbaik bagi kita menurut Allah Ta’ala.
Pengetahuan kita tentang diri kita atau tentang apapun amat terbatas. Sedangkan pengetahuan Allah menyeliputi segala-galanya. Sehingga betapa pun kita sangat menginginkan sesuatu, tetapi hati kita harus kita persiapkan untuk menghadapi kenyataan yang tak sesuai dengan harapan kita. Kerana mungkin itulah yang terbaik bagi kita.
Ingatlah bahawa, ALLAH itu Maha Adil lagi Bijaksana.
2. REDHA
Realiti hidup yang terjadi pada kita, kita kena terima dengan redha dan seadanya. Itulah kenyataan dan episod hidup yang harus kita jalani.
Emosional, sakit hati, tertekan, atau apa jua perkara yang membuat hati kita menjadi kecewa dan sengsara, harus kita tinggalkan. Ingatlah bahawa, samaada kita tertekan dan tidak gembira, atau kita tidak tertekan dan gembira, ia tetap begitu jadinya.
Maka adalah lebih baik kita redha dan terima apa yang berlaku dengan berlapang dada dan hati yang terbuka. Perit kita telan, manis pun kita telan. Nikmatilah pahit manis itu seadanya.
3. INGAT JANJI ALLAH
Meyakini bahawa hidup ini bagai siang dan malam yang pasti silih berganti. Tak mungkin siang terus menerus dan tak mungkin juga malam terus menerus. Pasti setiap kesenangan ada hujungnya begitulah masalah yang menimpa kita, pasti ada akhirnya. Kita harus sangat sabar menghadapinya.
Ujian yang diturunkan Allah kepada kita, pasti sudah ditetapkan dengan penuh keadilan. Tak mungkin ujian yang menimpa itu, melampaui batas kemampuan kita. Kerana Allah tak pernah menzalimi hamba-hambaNya.
Ingatlah bahawa, semua fikiran negatif dan emosi buruk kita hanya akan mempersulitkan dan menyengsarakan diri kita saja. Pujuklah h ati, agar kita tidak menekan diri sendiri. Hati dan fikiran kita dipujuk agar tetap tenang, tabah dan sabar.
Kita harus berani menghadapi mehnah masalah ujian demi ujian. Kita tak boleh lari dari kenyataan. Kerana lari nya kita itu tak akan menyelesaikan masalah. Bahkan ia sebaliknya hanya akan menambah permasalahan.
Jadi, semua yang berlaku harus kita hadapi dengan baik. Kita tak boleh menyerah mudah, kita tak boleh kalah menyerah.
Pastinya segala sesuatu itu ada akhirnya. Begitu jualah permasalahan yang kita hadapi. Seberat manapun ujian Allah pada kita, yakinlah dengan janji Allah Ta’ala : “Fa innama’al usri yusran, inna ma’al usri yusran”. Maka sesungguhnya bersama kesulitan itu pasti ada kemudahan, dan bersama kesulitan itu pasti ada kemudahan.
Janji Allah itu pasti benar. Kerana itu, apalah guna kita menekan diri.
4. PASTI ADA HIKMAH
Semua apa yang terjadi, samaada baik atau buruk, terjadi adalah dengan izin dan kehendak Allah Ta’ala. Dan pastinya Allah tak mungkin berbuat sesuatu dengan sia-sia.
Setiap sesuatu perkara itu, pasti ada hikmah disebaliknya. Sepahit mana pun derita yang kita tanggung, pasti ada kebaikan yang terkandung di dalamnya jika kita terima dan hadapi dengan sabar dan redha.
Cuba kita renung dan fikirkan, kenapa Allah mentakdirkan semua ini menimpa kita. Setidak-tidaknya ia adalah sebagai peringatan atas dosa-dosa dan kelalaian yang kita telah lakukan. Atau mungkin Allah mahu naikkan darjat dan kedudukan kita di sisi Nya.
Mungkin agak sukar untuk kita sedar kesilapan dan kesalahan yang telah kita lakukan. Namun, iktibar dari setiap ujian yang menimpa sebenarnya mencerminkan amalan dan tingkah laku yang kita lakukan.
Tak usah takut atau bimbang menerima kekurangan dan kesilapan yang kita telah lakukan. Yang penting, kita mesti berazam sungguh-sungguh untuk memperbaiki kelemahan yang ada. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Pengampun dan Maha Penerima Taubat. Muhasabahlah diri, bertaubat atas dosa dan mohonlah hidayah dan kekuatan daripadaNya.
5. ALLAH SAJA PENOLONG KITA
Kita wajib meyakini bahawa, walau seluruh manusia, jin dan semua makhluk atas dunia ini bergabung untuk menolong kita sekalipun, ketetapan Allah tetap akan berlaku. Semua usaha pasti tidak akan membuahkan hasil tanpa izin Allah Ta’ala.
Hati kita mesti bulat yakin sepenuhnya bahwa hanya Allah lah satu-satunya yang dapat menolong dan memberi jalan keluar terbaik daripada sebarang perkara yang terjadi. Allah Maha Berkuasa atas segala-galanya. Dialah pemilik dan penguasa segala sesuatu. Dialah yang mengatur segala-galanya.
Maka, kita harus bermunajat dan berusaha menagih simpati daripadaNya agar menolong kita. Mengadu dan dekatilah Allah dengan membuat amalan yang disukaiNya. Pohonlah hidayah, kekuatan dan pertolongan daripadaNya. Bebaskan hati dan diri kita daripada mengharap pada makhluk dan selain daripada Allah. Tagih dan pintalah pertolongan dengan sabar dan solat. (Sila baca mengenai FALSAFAH KUCING di sini)
Ingatlah firman Allah Ta’ala yang bermaksud ;
“Barang siapa bertakwal kepada Allah, nescaya akan diberi jalan keluar dari setiap urusannya dan diberi rezeki dari arah yang tak disangka-sangka, dan barang siapa yang bertawakal kepada Allah nescaya akan dicukupi segala keperluannya.” (QS [65] : 2-3
Dec 28, 2009
new year, new year
just one week to go and then it's 2010.
it is quite a hectic end of year for me. Last year at this time, i was agonising over job prospect, and pretty much stay grounded at my house, watched tv and added on the kilos.Well, this time of the year, i am working. so, there is nothing to complain about rite? plus, there are many things to do at the office.and while everybody is having their break, i can concentrate doing my works. Although, it will be quite lonely but, i'll manage.
Last week. i was at home. sending off my brothers.Quite accustomed to having them here. Felt so nice to come home in the evening knowing that there are people you could talk to. one week at home, i tried as much to stay away from FB, or phone.i deliberately shut off from the world.i stayed home.and i stayed home.i dont know why, but i feel disturbed by outside contact.i came back with lots of energy and more relax mind.
i want to write about my 2009.i want it to come out meaningful. i have been writing quite a number of junks these lately.i want to write my reflection beautifully so everytime my enthusiasm starts to fade, i can read and reflect on what i really want for my new year. so, i'l have to wait until later for that.
it is quite a hectic end of year for me. Last year at this time, i was agonising over job prospect, and pretty much stay grounded at my house, watched tv and added on the kilos.Well, this time of the year, i am working. so, there is nothing to complain about rite? plus, there are many things to do at the office.and while everybody is having their break, i can concentrate doing my works. Although, it will be quite lonely but, i'll manage.
Last week. i was at home. sending off my brothers.Quite accustomed to having them here. Felt so nice to come home in the evening knowing that there are people you could talk to. one week at home, i tried as much to stay away from FB, or phone.i deliberately shut off from the world.i stayed home.and i stayed home.i dont know why, but i feel disturbed by outside contact.i came back with lots of energy and more relax mind.
i want to write about my 2009.i want it to come out meaningful. i have been writing quite a number of junks these lately.i want to write my reflection beautifully so everytime my enthusiasm starts to fade, i can read and reflect on what i really want for my new year. so, i'l have to wait until later for that.
Dec 19, 2009
committment phobic
"all your relationship have always ended up not in the way you thought it would be.Maybe it's time to ask and answer the question" says my horoscope.
"Not in the mood" says the quiz in FB.
i used to be a commitment phobic.im so blinded by what i see in everyday life-people who profess undying love but ended up creating a mess together.they can be foolishly stubborn, irritatingly patient and sometime just plain irrational.i was thinking that, if you share your life with a person only to end up lesser than you are, with no confident and always doubtful, always bitter, always trying to be meaner and meaner everytime-just for the sake of controlling the other, well no thank you.im not interested in organized mess.
i dont think i am a responsible person yet.and i dont think i can raise a child at all.given my very poor background, i dont want to ruin anybody's life with my insecurity and distrust.Given my poor background again, i dont think that, anybody can accept me and all the emotional baggage i carry. i was ashamed to let anyone near me, because i dont have the answer for anything.They deserve someone with a stable background, who can give 100 percent and not just take but cant give anything like me. Who dont run away at any sign of insecurity. i couldnt even make promise.i was scared..im that-distrustful, insecure, and reserved when it comes to relationship.All of my relationship ended because i want it to be that way.In my prayer, i always pray that they find someone better.it's not because i have no feelings but simply because, im helpless.i couldnt trust myself to go through it.i couldnt reach out and say i care.so, what i did was say "it's ok."and wish them happily ever after.and i mean it.
i read a book by Andrew matthews, and realised that i was being hard on myself. it was not my fault if anybody else ends up tearing each other apart. but somehow, i still have a little restraint about relationship.i always doubt myself.my ability to really connect at a deeper level.i used to term myself as emotionally handicapped person.simply for the fact that im unable to really connect.but im learning since then, and i have improved tremendously.
and now im still a little bit of a phobic, but im more relax about everything. no longer so bitter about it.just not ready.
i just need a little push into the right direction.or maybe i just need that someone that can make me see it from different perspective. otherwise,im not settling for lesser.the truth that i always know in my heart is, i dont want someone that's perfect for everybody.i just want someone that i cant live without.
not someone that i can live with...
"Not in the mood" says the quiz in FB.
i used to be a commitment phobic.im so blinded by what i see in everyday life-people who profess undying love but ended up creating a mess together.they can be foolishly stubborn, irritatingly patient and sometime just plain irrational.i was thinking that, if you share your life with a person only to end up lesser than you are, with no confident and always doubtful, always bitter, always trying to be meaner and meaner everytime-just for the sake of controlling the other, well no thank you.im not interested in organized mess.
i dont think i am a responsible person yet.and i dont think i can raise a child at all.given my very poor background, i dont want to ruin anybody's life with my insecurity and distrust.Given my poor background again, i dont think that, anybody can accept me and all the emotional baggage i carry. i was ashamed to let anyone near me, because i dont have the answer for anything.They deserve someone with a stable background, who can give 100 percent and not just take but cant give anything like me. Who dont run away at any sign of insecurity. i couldnt even make promise.i was scared..im that-distrustful, insecure, and reserved when it comes to relationship.All of my relationship ended because i want it to be that way.In my prayer, i always pray that they find someone better.it's not because i have no feelings but simply because, im helpless.i couldnt trust myself to go through it.i couldnt reach out and say i care.so, what i did was say "it's ok."and wish them happily ever after.and i mean it.
i read a book by Andrew matthews, and realised that i was being hard on myself. it was not my fault if anybody else ends up tearing each other apart. but somehow, i still have a little restraint about relationship.i always doubt myself.my ability to really connect at a deeper level.i used to term myself as emotionally handicapped person.simply for the fact that im unable to really connect.but im learning since then, and i have improved tremendously.
and now im still a little bit of a phobic, but im more relax about everything. no longer so bitter about it.just not ready.
i just need a little push into the right direction.or maybe i just need that someone that can make me see it from different perspective. otherwise,im not settling for lesser.the truth that i always know in my heart is, i dont want someone that's perfect for everybody.i just want someone that i cant live without.
not someone that i can live with...
Dec 17, 2009
No Reservation
whatever happens in this year, that will be my motivation...
to improve,
to make things better for myself,
to excell professionally,
to be more open to challenge,
to be stronger,
to be more organized,
to learn about responsibility,
to be more focus,
to be more forgiving,
to be more happy,
to be human,
to learn something new everyday,
and to be more passionate about everything
to believe in myself.
to have no reservation about life.
"when you learn something, the process is going to hurt you in one way or another, but that's the only way you grow"
to improve,
to make things better for myself,
to excell professionally,
to be more open to challenge,
to be stronger,
to be more organized,
to learn about responsibility,
to be more focus,
to be more forgiving,
to be more happy,
to be human,
to learn something new everyday,
and to be more passionate about everything
to believe in myself.
to have no reservation about life.
"when you learn something, the process is going to hurt you in one way or another, but that's the only way you grow"
Dec 15, 2009
the superficial value
Discussion,discussion.
This morning, on the way to the office i discussed something with my friend.
There is this one guy.a very friendly person.the first time i saw him i thought that he is friendly, and very easy going sort of person.He is nice, with all the smiley appearance and a quite important person in our institution as well. the second time i met him,he was accompanying his wife to one of the night class. it so happened that, i was the one holding the office key.and he needed to get in to take the projector for his wife's class. so we chatted and still i feel that he is a very decent, nice and friendly guy. and i was thinking that his wife is lucky to have him.By the way, he waited until the class ended with his wife.so protective and husbandly..
But sometimes before our second meeting, i heard a story about him.Before he marry his current wife, he had this one girlfriend.the wife is his girlfriend's friend.and he ended up marrying the girlfriend's friend because of language issue.It happened that his girlfriend do not speak the language spoken by his family.and his current wife does.
to discard/reject someone just because of something that can be learn such as language...why?
i can only think that probably he dont want to disappoint anybody, and he wants to get an approval from the entire family, and is it worth it?
when i started befriending my bestmate-or rather when we started getting closer, everytime he mentioned about somebody else looking at us,or when he cares so much of what everybody thinks, deep down in my heart, i feel that he has this reservation about actually and really being my friend. When he mentioned that, i feel that he probably much more prefer to have a friend that is more like him...that he dont see me as his friend at all, but just somebody to fill in some empty slots.
and yes.to think again, our life are tied to all the values we inherited from people in our life.and if it can make you feel better about everything, then you should just stick to it.
This morning, on the way to the office i discussed something with my friend.
There is this one guy.a very friendly person.the first time i saw him i thought that he is friendly, and very easy going sort of person.He is nice, with all the smiley appearance and a quite important person in our institution as well. the second time i met him,he was accompanying his wife to one of the night class. it so happened that, i was the one holding the office key.and he needed to get in to take the projector for his wife's class. so we chatted and still i feel that he is a very decent, nice and friendly guy. and i was thinking that his wife is lucky to have him.By the way, he waited until the class ended with his wife.so protective and husbandly..
But sometimes before our second meeting, i heard a story about him.Before he marry his current wife, he had this one girlfriend.the wife is his girlfriend's friend.and he ended up marrying the girlfriend's friend because of language issue.It happened that his girlfriend do not speak the language spoken by his family.and his current wife does.
to discard/reject someone just because of something that can be learn such as language...why?
i can only think that probably he dont want to disappoint anybody, and he wants to get an approval from the entire family, and is it worth it?
when i started befriending my bestmate-or rather when we started getting closer, everytime he mentioned about somebody else looking at us,or when he cares so much of what everybody thinks, deep down in my heart, i feel that he has this reservation about actually and really being my friend. When he mentioned that, i feel that he probably much more prefer to have a friend that is more like him...that he dont see me as his friend at all, but just somebody to fill in some empty slots.
and yes.to think again, our life are tied to all the values we inherited from people in our life.and if it can make you feel better about everything, then you should just stick to it.
Dec 12, 2009
just rambling
much anticipated weekend. really needs this weekend like i never need any before.i realised these lately, ive spent quite many weekends at other places than home. so,im very grateful to have the weekend just flipping through channels on TV. simple pleasure of doing nothing.
In the morning though, went out with my friends and my brothers to pasar.bought sotong because my brothers love it.i promised to cook but after doing some chores in the afternoon,and prepared tea, i changed my mind. so instead of the sotong my brothers ate spicy fried chicken . i try to do it tomorrow. hope, the taste wont disappoint them, i think they missed home.they mentioned home almost everyday.they missed my mum's cooking. my mum jokingly said that one of my brothers missed her girlfiend.so true.the way that they smsed non stop.i will be lonely after they go home. No one to talk to.No one to go home to in the evening.huh.
im a homely person.i like spending time at home.it is like a bolthole for me.my private space.my favourite resting place. well, i enjoy going out once in a while, but somehow i get bored of constantly moving around.i like my own company. but i learned something a long while ago. if you said that you are tired, then u will automatically feel tired, but if you didnt announce it, you will feel just fine. it's in the mind.
but there was a time when i feel so stressed out being alone. i can only feel gratitude when a bunch of friends asked me out.after that, i was cured from the boredoom. this is not one of those. this time i really love staying indoor, just lie down and do some chores around the house. blissful.
next week, i'll be out again, going to send my brothers home. maybe i'll be away for a week.or if my boss didnt approve, i'll be back in mukah in no time.i have something i need to settle at home, and it's the only time i can think of getting away.i dont know what i would do in the office while waiting for next semester to resume. My friend ask me to follow her to Kuching and stay at her house.That's so much an interesting prospect.im not going to think about it.im going.
i have mostly finished my works on friday/except for some.and i found myself wondering what to do.lucky i have to invigilate an examination in the afternoon.otherwise, i will sit around and do nothing in the office waiting for the clock to strike 4.30pm.
Weird, i noticed that my friend was eyeing my brother this morning.and it was not an unusual response.he gets the same attention all the time.so i noticed but just keep quiet. i was looking at my brother and he was seriously eating his breakfast-and wont even make eye contact with me-so he noticed too. but what's new?She even boldly announced-suddenly-that she was too old for them(my brothers).i was reading too much of her body language.although she said it jokingly,but i found it rather out of place.but what the heck?what could be so wrong of just looking?we can only enjoy it while it lasts.
met with my colleague and her BF again today.she did asked me to go out with them.But i decided not to go with them because i thought that with me it would be a threesome.but my brothers and all?it was like asking the whole Mukah.haha. but mostly is because, there was one time when she asked her BF to go and stay the night at my house.Her mother came and she didnt want her to know that her BF was a regular at her house. so we talked. and after that, he seemed to be quite comfortable with me.and it was not after he held my hand when i was trying to cross a drain when the three of us went out together that i decided i dont want to go with them anymore.well, probably it was a simple gesture of kindness, but not when ive already reached the other side safely. There was a time when she told me that, her BF said that after she went home that night, he slept till morning.when the truth was, he stayed chatting with me until 2am in the morning.i never said anything about it. and lately, there were quite many advices from her BF for me conveyed by my friend.i try to be positive about it all,and i dont want to intrude on other people's property as well.so, the less i be around them, the better.it so happened that "people" in my past started to develop feelings for me after they spent times with me. and it so happened also that ive lost quite a few girlfriends because of that.and it's hardly my fault.i didnt even do a single thing.im too principled for cheap tricks like that.but it so happened.so a little caution helps.
Still on the same subject though, it takes a long time for me to really notice that i like a person. i remembered when i finally fell for My Gentleman.people are constantly talking about him, his charms, and his everything.and i didnt even notice.it was his personality that caught me in the end. i dont care about his good looks. i only noticed that he was kind, caring,smile a lot, always trying to crack a joke around me, active-and i fell for that.and not his look.
the way i rambled,probably im bored after all..huhu.
In the morning though, went out with my friends and my brothers to pasar.bought sotong because my brothers love it.i promised to cook but after doing some chores in the afternoon,and prepared tea, i changed my mind. so instead of the sotong my brothers ate spicy fried chicken . i try to do it tomorrow. hope, the taste wont disappoint them, i think they missed home.they mentioned home almost everyday.they missed my mum's cooking. my mum jokingly said that one of my brothers missed her girlfiend.so true.the way that they smsed non stop.i will be lonely after they go home. No one to talk to.No one to go home to in the evening.huh.
im a homely person.i like spending time at home.it is like a bolthole for me.my private space.my favourite resting place. well, i enjoy going out once in a while, but somehow i get bored of constantly moving around.i like my own company. but i learned something a long while ago. if you said that you are tired, then u will automatically feel tired, but if you didnt announce it, you will feel just fine. it's in the mind.
but there was a time when i feel so stressed out being alone. i can only feel gratitude when a bunch of friends asked me out.after that, i was cured from the boredoom. this is not one of those. this time i really love staying indoor, just lie down and do some chores around the house. blissful.
next week, i'll be out again, going to send my brothers home. maybe i'll be away for a week.or if my boss didnt approve, i'll be back in mukah in no time.i have something i need to settle at home, and it's the only time i can think of getting away.i dont know what i would do in the office while waiting for next semester to resume. My friend ask me to follow her to Kuching and stay at her house.That's so much an interesting prospect.im not going to think about it.im going.
i have mostly finished my works on friday/except for some.and i found myself wondering what to do.lucky i have to invigilate an examination in the afternoon.otherwise, i will sit around and do nothing in the office waiting for the clock to strike 4.30pm.
Weird, i noticed that my friend was eyeing my brother this morning.and it was not an unusual response.he gets the same attention all the time.so i noticed but just keep quiet. i was looking at my brother and he was seriously eating his breakfast-and wont even make eye contact with me-so he noticed too. but what's new?She even boldly announced-suddenly-that she was too old for them(my brothers).i was reading too much of her body language.although she said it jokingly,but i found it rather out of place.but what the heck?what could be so wrong of just looking?we can only enjoy it while it lasts.
met with my colleague and her BF again today.she did asked me to go out with them.But i decided not to go with them because i thought that with me it would be a threesome.but my brothers and all?it was like asking the whole Mukah.haha. but mostly is because, there was one time when she asked her BF to go and stay the night at my house.Her mother came and she didnt want her to know that her BF was a regular at her house. so we talked. and after that, he seemed to be quite comfortable with me.and it was not after he held my hand when i was trying to cross a drain when the three of us went out together that i decided i dont want to go with them anymore.well, probably it was a simple gesture of kindness, but not when ive already reached the other side safely. There was a time when she told me that, her BF said that after she went home that night, he slept till morning.when the truth was, he stayed chatting with me until 2am in the morning.i never said anything about it. and lately, there were quite many advices from her BF for me conveyed by my friend.i try to be positive about it all,and i dont want to intrude on other people's property as well.so, the less i be around them, the better.it so happened that "people" in my past started to develop feelings for me after they spent times with me. and it so happened also that ive lost quite a few girlfriends because of that.and it's hardly my fault.i didnt even do a single thing.im too principled for cheap tricks like that.but it so happened.so a little caution helps.
Still on the same subject though, it takes a long time for me to really notice that i like a person. i remembered when i finally fell for My Gentleman.people are constantly talking about him, his charms, and his everything.and i didnt even notice.it was his personality that caught me in the end. i dont care about his good looks. i only noticed that he was kind, caring,smile a lot, always trying to crack a joke around me, active-and i fell for that.and not his look.
the way i rambled,probably im bored after all..huhu.
Dec 10, 2009
another one
went to Taklimat PPPT today with one of my colleagues.
i dont know but i feel that im not as ambitious as i think i am. as the pensyarah kanan briefed us about the kenaikan pangkat and everything, i have a weird feeling of just wanting to sit in the corner and do nothing.
all the talks of being in the higher position-what with responsibility and some of the things you need to do...it gets me nervous.
probably i dont have enough faith in myself.i need time to get used to everything before i can decide what to do. i need time to prove to myself that im going to be just fine doing things such as that.i get discourage by high expectation. i prefer to do it slowly but surely.
i dont want to rush into something for fear that im going to screw it.But then again, i think it is the sense of failure that gets me nervous.
or again, probably im so very simple minded that im afraid to try thing out.
but the point is, im scared about failing.and im scared that i wont perform to the best of my ability.
i dont know but i feel that im not as ambitious as i think i am. as the pensyarah kanan briefed us about the kenaikan pangkat and everything, i have a weird feeling of just wanting to sit in the corner and do nothing.
all the talks of being in the higher position-what with responsibility and some of the things you need to do...it gets me nervous.
probably i dont have enough faith in myself.i need time to get used to everything before i can decide what to do. i need time to prove to myself that im going to be just fine doing things such as that.i get discourage by high expectation. i prefer to do it slowly but surely.
i dont want to rush into something for fear that im going to screw it.But then again, i think it is the sense of failure that gets me nervous.
or again, probably im so very simple minded that im afraid to try thing out.
but the point is, im scared about failing.and im scared that i wont perform to the best of my ability.
Dec 9, 2009
The course
i was in Johor for a few days.So far, some of my friends said that it would be the most boring course ever.and really, i think that it depends on how you see it.i found it to be quite motivating-especially the physical aspects. surprising as well because i never really liked physical activities before-where you have to run around, do all the physical stuffs.This one was enjoyable.
But, the ceramah parts..hmm i slept all through it.haha. Except for one ceramah where the speaker had a very engaging way of explaining thing.I always admire people with that ability.Good speaking style.a very good sense of humor.so, even if it is a serious issue, you do not get all emotional-you have the time to think things through. You are given the chance to see things in a different light, in a new perspective-where everything is crystal clear and rational.unfortunately, most people think that, being dead serious is the only way.But, i slept partly was because, politics, law and history are my favourite.so, i got bored listening to stuffs i already knew. and i was tired because i had been travelling around these lately and i couldnt keep my mind from wondering and dreaming.
i was ok during the LDK.Simply for the fact that the facilitator said many unacceptable things.mainly about the religion.im not saying that i knew best, but some of the things he said were totally human thinking.he mentioned about not wanting to send his children to school because, during the Prophet S.A.W time, there were no schools built for education.that was absurd.Why?because education can take place formally and informally. During the prophet's time, education was stressed.it was only that, it was conducted informally.and he mentioned about not sending his children to university.Man, that was a gross generalisation. In Islam to improve oneself is a form of jihad. Jihad by definition is trying your best to get the best out of your life.it doesnt mean war.He said that he would tell his son to go and sell burger or something.no need for higher education..For God's Sake.Really, when you have only a superficial knowledge about something, you should not really talk too much about it. Islam is a very flexible and conditionally liberal way of life.You dont have to be so narrow minded about it.He also mentioned about giving salam. and i disagreed totally with what he said. He said that there were no hadith or quranic ayah about not giving salam to muslim.But there is.Where the prophet was given salam by the a group of Jews and the prophet answered it..but differently.Not the one offered to the Muslim.Probably, im wrong when it comes to this but my point is he shouldnt say that there were no hadith or quranic ayah that supported it. Really, always be careful with what you said.Especially when it corelates with belief.
i really think that, if you come to the course with an open mind, and not just because you want so much to see the 'wrongness' in everything,you will come out refreshed.but if you are there, ready to attack everything, of course you will find all the wrong things. simple logic, isnt it?
The Prophet was a very pragmatic person.And he was always practical in his dwelling. Always with an exemplary behaviour. Then why do we need to be sceptical in our perspective?The facilitator was quite comfortable talking about everything in his most religious view, but heck baby..it takes more than that to understand what you are talking about. i really was disturbed by his approach-i was judgemental about the way he explain most of his religious view.
One more things was, the way they were oblivious to the fact that they were addressing a bunch of generation Y.Where they have different ways of seeing things and they most probably have different opinion as well. They were not talking about current mission-which is one M. They were so obsessed on talking about the past,the hurt and the things that should have been erased from memory long time ago. They were not aiming for unification. They were trying to open old wound,make sure that everybody remembered and hate each other for that. i mean, come on..we are talking about hybridity, about realising 2020, about national vision-not just an individual group.Any wonder why we never come close to meeting halfway? because we still have so much distrust and vengeance in our heart. We still want to carry on hating each other for a lifetime. and any wonder why the GE got so poor result?Simply because we do not listen to what's current.we dont know what's current. The elderly think that their way of thinking is still the best. I love this land but i dont fancy being a sceptic just because everybody think it is the best.No, thank you.
well,actually im a very patriotic person. It just that i am not trained to show my emotion.i can argue my points when i feel there is a need.i just hate being at a loggerhead with anybody.i prefer to prefer what i prefer.the rest is my problem.as long as nobody gets hurt..what's the big deal? what's the point of arguing about everything if you can get it the other way around?
then again, it's up to individual.This is totally my reflection about what i see or hear.and im not asking anybody to agree.
But, the ceramah parts..hmm i slept all through it.haha. Except for one ceramah where the speaker had a very engaging way of explaining thing.I always admire people with that ability.Good speaking style.a very good sense of humor.so, even if it is a serious issue, you do not get all emotional-you have the time to think things through. You are given the chance to see things in a different light, in a new perspective-where everything is crystal clear and rational.unfortunately, most people think that, being dead serious is the only way.But, i slept partly was because, politics, law and history are my favourite.so, i got bored listening to stuffs i already knew. and i was tired because i had been travelling around these lately and i couldnt keep my mind from wondering and dreaming.
i was ok during the LDK.Simply for the fact that the facilitator said many unacceptable things.mainly about the religion.im not saying that i knew best, but some of the things he said were totally human thinking.he mentioned about not wanting to send his children to school because, during the Prophet S.A.W time, there were no schools built for education.that was absurd.Why?because education can take place formally and informally. During the prophet's time, education was stressed.it was only that, it was conducted informally.and he mentioned about not sending his children to university.Man, that was a gross generalisation. In Islam to improve oneself is a form of jihad. Jihad by definition is trying your best to get the best out of your life.it doesnt mean war.He said that he would tell his son to go and sell burger or something.no need for higher education..For God's Sake.Really, when you have only a superficial knowledge about something, you should not really talk too much about it. Islam is a very flexible and conditionally liberal way of life.You dont have to be so narrow minded about it.He also mentioned about giving salam. and i disagreed totally with what he said. He said that there were no hadith or quranic ayah about not giving salam to muslim.But there is.Where the prophet was given salam by the a group of Jews and the prophet answered it..but differently.Not the one offered to the Muslim.Probably, im wrong when it comes to this but my point is he shouldnt say that there were no hadith or quranic ayah that supported it. Really, always be careful with what you said.Especially when it corelates with belief.
i really think that, if you come to the course with an open mind, and not just because you want so much to see the 'wrongness' in everything,you will come out refreshed.but if you are there, ready to attack everything, of course you will find all the wrong things. simple logic, isnt it?
The Prophet was a very pragmatic person.And he was always practical in his dwelling. Always with an exemplary behaviour. Then why do we need to be sceptical in our perspective?The facilitator was quite comfortable talking about everything in his most religious view, but heck baby..it takes more than that to understand what you are talking about. i really was disturbed by his approach-i was judgemental about the way he explain most of his religious view.
One more things was, the way they were oblivious to the fact that they were addressing a bunch of generation Y.Where they have different ways of seeing things and they most probably have different opinion as well. They were not talking about current mission-which is one M. They were so obsessed on talking about the past,the hurt and the things that should have been erased from memory long time ago. They were not aiming for unification. They were trying to open old wound,make sure that everybody remembered and hate each other for that. i mean, come on..we are talking about hybridity, about realising 2020, about national vision-not just an individual group.Any wonder why we never come close to meeting halfway? because we still have so much distrust and vengeance in our heart. We still want to carry on hating each other for a lifetime. and any wonder why the GE got so poor result?Simply because we do not listen to what's current.we dont know what's current. The elderly think that their way of thinking is still the best. I love this land but i dont fancy being a sceptic just because everybody think it is the best.No, thank you.
well,actually im a very patriotic person. It just that i am not trained to show my emotion.i can argue my points when i feel there is a need.i just hate being at a loggerhead with anybody.i prefer to prefer what i prefer.the rest is my problem.as long as nobody gets hurt..what's the big deal? what's the point of arguing about everything if you can get it the other way around?
then again, it's up to individual.This is totally my reflection about what i see or hear.and im not asking anybody to agree.
my days
there are so many things happened around me.my aunt's wedding, my BTN course and many other things.
27th November
-Took a bus to Miri-spent about 9 hours.reached miri around 5pm.
-my flight was at 9pm, so i roamed around shopping in Miri Boulevard.i went to the airport after a quick dinner around 7. i just sit quietly while waiting check in around 8.30pm.Flight was delayed for about 10 minutes.oh,what's another 10 minutes..i couldnt care less.
-Reached KK about 10.20pm.My brothers were already there.so we continued the journey home after a refreshment at Tanjung Lipat about 11.30pm
-Reached home before 2am in the morning.My mum was already asleep.my baby brother was pretty much awake-by the noise and by the disturbance..hehe
28th November.
-My aunt's majlis nikah started around 2pm. i have to pick up the Mak andam who lost her way to the house.What a...huhu.she was there the day before,and she didnt bother to check the place. I had to go about several times looking for her Proton. whew..
-the majlis nikah started.everybody especially a certain someone was busy bossing everybody around.Like heck!but i just didnt want to spoil the day for my aunt.so, i basically ignored her and did what need to be done.
-didnt sleep until morning.My father asked me to keep an eye on my aunt.the unthinkable happened that night, and my aunt was in and out of consciousness-and some other paranormal things-which is not exactly for the weak hearted.i guess im not a weakhearted person..just before Subuh, my father went home, so i followed.
29th November
-it's so very tiring acting as the pengapit.this certain somebody wanted to make sure that she could blame everything on someone.and im the best catch-just because im the pengapit.i almost snap-but thinking that i was only doing it for my aunt, i let some steam out, but i keep the rest.by this time, my mood was spoiled to the max.i promised myself to enjoy the wedding and that was exactly what i did-i sang a few songs.;o)
-i didnt stay until the night.i have a family meeting on my mother's side to attend.So i went, enjoy the chat and the food, picked up my mum later on and headed home around 11pm.
-so tiring but full with activities.and there was nothing to complain about.Nice.:O)
30th November
-went around town with my baby shopping for BTN course,and after 2 o clock headed back to KK with my brothers-our flight to Sarawak was in the morning, the next day, so have to spend the day in KK.
When i came back to Sarawak the next day..works were waiting.so i leave my brothers at home, and i diligently headed to the office.settled everything, except for FRP.
the day after i went for the BTN course in Johor.
it was quite a rush,but it is purposeful.and it is all that matter.:O)
27th November
-Took a bus to Miri-spent about 9 hours.reached miri around 5pm.
-my flight was at 9pm, so i roamed around shopping in Miri Boulevard.i went to the airport after a quick dinner around 7. i just sit quietly while waiting check in around 8.30pm.Flight was delayed for about 10 minutes.oh,what's another 10 minutes..i couldnt care less.
-Reached KK about 10.20pm.My brothers were already there.so we continued the journey home after a refreshment at Tanjung Lipat about 11.30pm
-Reached home before 2am in the morning.My mum was already asleep.my baby brother was pretty much awake-by the noise and by the disturbance..hehe
28th November.
-My aunt's majlis nikah started around 2pm. i have to pick up the Mak andam who lost her way to the house.What a...huhu.she was there the day before,and she didnt bother to check the place. I had to go about several times looking for her Proton. whew..
-the majlis nikah started.everybody especially a certain someone was busy bossing everybody around.Like heck!but i just didnt want to spoil the day for my aunt.so, i basically ignored her and did what need to be done.
-didnt sleep until morning.My father asked me to keep an eye on my aunt.the unthinkable happened that night, and my aunt was in and out of consciousness-and some other paranormal things-which is not exactly for the weak hearted.i guess im not a weakhearted person..just before Subuh, my father went home, so i followed.
29th November
-it's so very tiring acting as the pengapit.this certain somebody wanted to make sure that she could blame everything on someone.and im the best catch-just because im the pengapit.i almost snap-but thinking that i was only doing it for my aunt, i let some steam out, but i keep the rest.by this time, my mood was spoiled to the max.i promised myself to enjoy the wedding and that was exactly what i did-i sang a few songs.;o)
-i didnt stay until the night.i have a family meeting on my mother's side to attend.So i went, enjoy the chat and the food, picked up my mum later on and headed home around 11pm.
-so tiring but full with activities.and there was nothing to complain about.Nice.:O)
30th November
-went around town with my baby shopping for BTN course,and after 2 o clock headed back to KK with my brothers-our flight to Sarawak was in the morning, the next day, so have to spend the day in KK.
When i came back to Sarawak the next day..works were waiting.so i leave my brothers at home, and i diligently headed to the office.settled everything, except for FRP.
the day after i went for the BTN course in Johor.
it was quite a rush,but it is purposeful.and it is all that matter.:O)
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