Dear God

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be,

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find

-this is a song by Avenged Sevenfold reminds me of home and mum and everyone that i like/love/whatever..nice lines..and nice words to pray for someone you really care about

"Ghost " of you

what can i say?tiada perkataan yang mampu menggambarkan perasaan saya bila tengok pertemuan dua orang dari dua alam yang lain, dan tidak mungkin bersama.sebab yang seorang lagi adalah ghost.and ghost tu pada saya sangat simbolik kerana dia merujuk kpd your past,your secret and everything else that wont go away.everything that u want but couldnt possibly get.
so much left to say.so much more to feel.to cry.and be sad.
saya sangat suka scene Cheryl baling cincin Zack and suddenly the ring floated towards her.and suddenly Zack Imran was there.i like her expression.saya suka cara scene itu di materialise kan..talking about romantic ghost story..and the song is a bonus.yeah,they got the marketing right.

and a good story is a good story..sob,sob,sob.

rumbling in riddle

It's very weird.im so eager to be back to point 1 but when i actually reached there, what i had expected to see was not there.so probably, i let my expectation runs too high.
suddenly i feel an all of a sudden melancholy feeling..and it's all because i didnt see what i expect to see when i came back?i dont know.simply dont know.huhu
i feel such a void that it makes me helpless with wanting and desire.
wanting to know whether it had made a difference to anyone at all.or am i still at point one without shifting to anywhere?
i know im talking in completely nonsensical manner-and am talking in a riddle but the truth is i just couldnt bring myself to be frank
i feel a lot more like a stranger now than when i first arrived at point one.
so what bothered me actually?
why should i feel bothered?

-ditulis time i experienced a temporary 'down in the mouth'period beberapa minggu yang lepas.Lucunya, sebenarnya time ini saya sedang fokus memikirkan apa yang tiada..now i know that,and i had already grow out of it..huhu

the person that is me

You Are Seductive and Ruthless

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are incredibly wise and perceptive. You have a lot of life experience.
You are a natural peacemaker, and you are especially good at helping others get along.
But keeping the peace in your own life is not easy. You see things very differently, and it's hard to get you to budge.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

rindu yang tidak terkata

hmm.entri ini sepatutnya ditulis bulan lepas..selepas balik dari kursus di melaka.tapi baru hari ini tertulis.kerana rasa rindu yang menggila dan tak boleh tertahan lagi.
rasa menggila ini datang tiba-tiba time jejak kaki di LCCT bila pg kursus hari tu.Tiba-tiba rasa sangat rindu IIU.smelled the smell of IIUM.and tiba-tiba rasa self-belonging yang sangat mendera.tiba-tiba it feels like home.untuk seseorang yang obses dengan "home sweet home" concept, dan selalu pula hilang setiap cuti, yang tak pernah tak boleh kalau tak balik,and then suddenly realise benda macam gini...huh..perumpamaannya adalah seperti-selalu bersama dengan seseorang, and tidak sedar dia jadi sesuatu yang special di hati, and then suddenly lost that one person..Ouch..perasaan rindu yang membunuh, bukan?
tanpa sengaja, terjumpa blog2 budak BENL..orang-orang yang dulunya menjadi sebahagian dalam cerita hidup student saya.those people whom i grow to love, learn to live with and understand well..semuanya itu mengapi-apikan perasaan rindu yang sudah semakin tidak tertanggung.apa agaknya yang perlu saya buat untuk kurangkan sedikit rindu yang membuatkan saya tinggal di masa lalu?
saya rindu kelas...DR.F, Kak May.rindu discussion2 yang kadangkala light,sometimes it's philosophical and sometimes it was real serious..or just sitting at HS Cafe..waiting for classes to start.or simply being in the library, killing time..
Dimana kamu kawan2 BenL yang lain?hope u are all protected under the Grace of God.

yeah, finally i realise the meaning of "u dont miss the water until the well went dry".
something like that.
huh..tiba-tiba ada perasaan halus yang tidak boleh di beri makna kerana rasa rindu yang tiba-tiba dan menggila.

aku menunggumu

earlier in the morning, there's a call from the admin, asking me n my friend to wait at our house because people will be coming over to fix the tangki.i was quite unsure abt it because i never report anything about broken tangki or dirty or whatever.but i went anyway.
8.30-no show!
8.45-sempat drink a cup of nescafe,sleepy because of the rain.
9.00-already finish drinking my cup of nescafe..still no show.
9.15-sweep the house
9.20-sit silently
9.30-grew impatience-still no show.was walking all over the house.
9.45-no show
9.56-no show
10.00-went back to the office.

i hate waiting especially if u have promise to come on a specific time.and u didnt.and u didnt say why.i hate deliberately being late.usually, when or if im late that was because i woke up late,or happen to be not in the very good mood or i feel reluctant to come or some other reason other than "just because".my new mission is to be on time all the time.just a new rule i need in the hope of improving myself.huhu
i love the challenge of being there at the specified time.maybe because i like being in control of my own affair.yeah, that's the thing.am obsessed with having control over my own life.it feels very liberating!

Halaman Sepi

mampukah
sekepal hati yang sarat
menanggung bicara sepi
menyimpan ingatan yang terpahat
merintih
dimana penghujungnya...
izinkan sekadar menatap
keindahan taman...
halaman orang
kalaupun bukan
di taman sendiri...
biar cuma sepintas lalu
tiada bermakna untuk memiliki
maaf kerana tiada sengaja
menyimpan detik di hati
kerana hati sukar di fahami
namun
izinkan ku menjejaki
jejak hidupmu
kerana hidup ini
ada perjanjian dengan-Nya
yang pasti berakhir jua.

written by:Dini Mazhani(BDS)

-the poem is so biasa yet so touching.special in its own way.

the best way that i can

i have a two days Opensource LInux course, which will end today. despite of all the IT stuff and discussion, i find that im in the land of no man.i understand the language but i just have no idea about the content.FTP,GNU,GUI,GNOME and GNASH..hehehe.i thought it was the seven dwarfts in Anderson's book. the guy was explaining about Linux installation and i was thinking about the language he use.i was making notes about the words he say.and the content..huh.i just have no idea.language teacher will always be language teacher..;o)
anyway,although these two guys from MAMPU and Fedora respectively are experts when it comes to IT..but then it takes two to tango..and i do not even try to move.how to tango?;o)
i like the older guy.he was much more grounded and much more confident and much more relax..the other guy talked like a geek.all the terms and technical aspect...which actually got me a mild headache.
anyway i was having fun laughing about many thing.because the guys were so open to making fun of themselves..
yesterday..someone was asking about window converter..and the older guy simply said..why to convert the window into a door? or when the older guy ask about who invented mouse, and somebody answered Walt Disney?huh, the laugh of the day!hahaha
another hours and the course will be finish..
i really wish this time the time will fly.

....

im experiencing a real writer's blok.i cant write anything worth reading. or worth thinking or any useful info or anything.
and i dont know why i copy and paste everything that i didnt write...and mainly lyrics.

huh

a new day

well,hello to the world.today im more enthusiatic than yesterday. im full of planning and ideas of what to do-which help in improving my spirit so much.
this morning, i deliberately cook a fried mee for breakfast for intan - and me.and it feels wonderful and in control.simply because my planning was executed..;o)

at work, i planned to sort out all my documents and file it in one place just for the sake of organising it.and it's done first thing in the morning.because they are not that many,so it didnt take a long time..hmm, i almost can smell the fresh air.;o)

and..m working on my expenditure.not yet but it already has the necessary structure.after today,it will be ready to use. ;o)

i love it when i can organise everything to a pattern.something that's logical and make sense.i will always support ISO-ing the system because that's mean more organisation and less hanky panky bussiness.more standardise and more quality.although not everyone would agree to that.

i just cant stop smiling;o)

survival is not negotiable

a friendly warning:please dont think that i have changed into a melodramatic pessimist overnight.

actually, i found this eye catching phrase in one of the neglected newspaper in the office, an article about environmental issues.i couldnt digest the meaning at first-even not at all now.and usually, something which we dont understand will excite us to keep tab about it.to know more about and be informed about it.that's what i ve been doing all morning, trying to really understand the sentiment behind it.

personally, environmental is one of the global problem that should concern all of us.we cant just sit quietly and let the experts do all the dirty works.we cant just let it be, simply because we know that sooner or later, the world would be nothing but just a piece of dust.we cant possibly argue over the "technicality" of this problem-we have to think with our greedy human nature how to at least minimise the effect-and not add some more to its already ancient condition.but some of us just couldnt care less.probably because they think that it is cool to be a moron and continue damaging what is already damage.not cool at all.

i borrowed a book from my friend titled:a world without us- a very philosophical yet scientific writing about what happen when we finally leave this world for good.will the other creatures miss us when we'r gone.what actually happened during the interval period when we actually had the green lushes of forest until we-the ever inventive and imaginative human race-sacrificed it for the betterment of life.sometimes the depiction sounds comical but it rings the truth.

but then when u think too seriously, it becomes your worst nightmare, and yuou cant sleep because of it.but it still doesnt mean that u can just ignore it let other mind about this particular business.

so in the end i guess what it means by survival is not negotiable- we have to accept whatever the deal is when it concerns our environment's well being.try for once being a human with a real humane act.

support GREEN IS UNIVERSAL campaign
support GO GREEN campaign
do anything u can to show that you care
and jangan cakap je......;o)(actly reminding myself)

"dont box me in"

i've added another blog into my list of blogs.this one is so foregrounding-and most of the things she scribed in her blogs mirror my own sentiment.and she really had me at this particular entry:(quoted directly from Queenie's)

It seems that most of my life, people have been trying to put me into a box. There is really nothing I hate more so naturally, I have spent most of my life trying to prove that I wasn’t able to be labeled. I push the boundaries as much as possible without losing myself. I am wondering if that behavior has been the cause of or the result of me turning into the person that I am. I always crave situations where I can write my own rules and do my own thing. And I really hate having to go with the flow “just because”.

how to...

yesterday,went to my friend house during the break.and in 2-hour time, her husband called her more than three times.i didnt actually count it.but i got a strong feeling that it was more than three times..he even requested to speak to me once-to make sure that i was really there. i feel really weird at that time but my friend said that i shouldnt feel weird about it because her husband is that kind of person..worried all the time about her..err..but still..my mind was racing for a more justifiable answer.and the answers in my cynical mind:

a)he was acting like "a jealous spouse"-and afraid that the other half is doing something not so nice..and im thinking of word like "space" and "trust"?

b)my friend said that her husband is an extremely caring person.and by extreme it means REALLY REALLY EXTREME...and again the word in my head..COME ON!!Enough already

there's nothing wrong with that i guess..but the way it was done as if u are trying so hard to show to your other half and probably other people(HUH)that you care..that's what's wrong..because it didnt seem natural.macam benda yang sengaja buat tapi buat-buat..if u can get what i mean..
i can be right or wrong.somehow,it feel oddly out of place..hmm

later on, she was talking about this one guy..whom she think is just the right person for me..(because he has the same attitude with her husband).mentioning all his good quality, his kindness, his skills and his quality as a very capable man.that i wont deny.i can see that too.seriously, that the reason why he scared me..because of all that good quality.just think of his standard and expectation.
although i admire this guy, still it's not for anyone to say who is the right person for him.it's for him to decide!and for god sake..i like someone such as him..but i dont want to be push around anyone like that.and my main aim was never to be happily married..which everybody around me..except for my housemate, cik anggun- is doing.

and the question that buzz in my head is-how to know what kind of person he really is?will he still be same sweet natured-god gift from heaven-guy-when you really is in a relationship with him?how to know that?

a conversation with a bunch of my friends during volleyball practice several years back-at school-keeps ringing in my head. my friend said that, there is no telling what kind of person we will end up with.sometimes-there are people who were real good when we just met them, but change into a monster once u settle down with them..and some were real headache when u first know them, but were actually a real catch when u settle down with them..and my friend said to not believe the appearance-because it usually deceives.;o(

and i testify to that.

blankness

for several days, i dont have anything to say-no opinion and no whatsoever..i just lost the passion to say the things i see in everyday life.maybe it's the "busy" ness of works that started to take their toll.i just couldnt write anything that make sense.couldnt get poetic enough to think of words and sentences to be put together.
lately, there are so many occurences that simply blew all my tranquility to pieces.

a)trouble at home
b)some people who just dont know to speak nicely, and who just cant seem to care about how it will hurt other people-which really..i still couldnt look straight at the person in the eyes and said that im not angry-because i am.
c)the rush to finish and submit FRP to our KJ-because it was not complete yet..arghhh!work!work!
d)dishonesty and lie-what can be more depressing?

i can list down many things that make me go beyond description but-Andrew Matthews-my favourite motivator said-that we can list down so many bad things because we focus on those baddies. probably i did focus on them..huh

it's just sometimes, i feel that, there are people who take advantage of my silence..they think that just because i didnt say anything rude or hurtful-im not angry or dont mind about it.but just because u said something and i didnt do not make u any smarter.and it didnt make me any smarter either.but at least it was not hurtful or hateful..huhu

i feel so alone by my newfound negativity and discomfort..
and the worst part is..i dont know what to do.

the aftermath

oh..when u read the above, dont think about anything so serious.it's just that i just got back from home-vacationing for one week..blissful rest.
though,i can always update my blog from home but i deliberately did not do it..i just dont know what to say.
usually, i cherished all the moments i spent with my family..especially right now when im quite far away from home..i couldnt possibly popped at home at every possible second because-the distance do not allow it.and i couldnt make myself be so impulsive as to go home at any possible moment either..that would be thoroughly not-thinking-person-who-needs-a-spanking-or two-...not to mention stupid n immature-just to say the words that come to my mind..
the situation at home now is not so cool, that it takes all my energy to be patient about it..and always think with a lot of rasional mind rather than my angry and rebellious nature..
u see..some people never change-sometime they do everything they can to hurt u..and by hurting i mean cut and twist the knife so deep that healing would possibly take a long long years..even healing is not the right word to say at the moment..
everybody at home was so cool and accepting-talking it about and discuss it over..i think that's the only reason why we keep on getting close-because of the openness in discussing it-and because everybody is willing to see the humor in it all..what a way..
my mum and my siblings are my greatest source of strength..no matter what the situation,i will always be there for them--as best as i can..
something i just dont understand..why a person whom u trust with everything in this world, willing to betray u in the worst way possible?and trying to be innocent about it?
maybe u want to see us all bleed then u will be satisfied..