Closer

i was crying because Natalie Portman was crying.

I was crying because, we usually didn't care about the small things that we did to one another. we only remembered it long after everything is done and finished for good.
We only understand the intensity of emotion well after everything become null and void.
We always wished the other person to be someone else, either that or we were just too egoistic to see the significance of the actions done.

i cried myself to sleep. Wake up the next morning with an ache in my heart. a yearning that need to be ignored. a regret for whatever it is that didn't work out properly.and what's the point in it to be in a relationship where you were hurting the entire time, and the only thing that connected to the other person were only thing that break you?

I pray to Allah for the strength to overcome my sadness. i don't posses the ability to fight for it anymore. Or to let my heart be torn apart by my very feeling.

I don't love you is a lie, but i love you is hurting.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My father

I am a person who love the sense of accomplishment.

I love it when i am able to complete planned tasks. I love it when i am able to do something i never done before. I love to be around friends who needed help. I love it when i can fulfill my promises. I love it when everything goes according to my plan, timing wise and all. i love the sense of accomplishment. and probably, that's where my stress comes from sometimes. When everything goes wrong, or i was not able to do things that i have planned.

When i was younger, before i left home, my father always insisted that we have to be this and that. We have to be at an exact place, at the exact time. We have to always follow that. Most of the times, we hated that. It was too much to expect and too much to do. my father never came later than me when he fetched me up at the airport when i went home. He never was late picking us up from school. Dinner must be at 6pm, and so did breakfast. At the exact time everyday. except on Sunday, where we will usually had brunch. When we were small, my father didn't buy TV, didn't buy anything for our entertainment. Instead our source of entertainment was the library. We were not allowed to go to our friend's house for my father said, it was not a nice thing to do. Although, we had heaps of toys, we wanted to play with other people-to the wrath of my father.

We practically grew up with the library. There was at least 2 days when dad drove us to the library, until all the librarian in town knew us and our schedule. By 6pm everyday, dad would ask where everyone was, and if anyone was not around, he would wait until the person was home. i remembered being lectured once, just because i came home late from school, and spent the time chatting with my friend outside the house. I remembered a lot of other things he did that i felt so grateful about.

my father is very outspoken, always being frank with us children(in regards to what he likes us to do, what not to do, how to behave), full of spontaneous sense of humour, but also very understanding and kind. i remembered once when i was working late one night-a part time job i had when i was in fourth year in uni-and i was mensing,was supposedly went back home with my friend. Because i was ashamed that something embarrassing might happened, i called him to pick me up. He came, and the first thing i asked was for a paper, so that it wouldn't stain the car seat. He just said that, it doesn't matter. it can be washed. At that time, i decided that my father is the only guy i can trust. I also remembered that he never complained about having to hold our bags for us when we went to the toilet during shopping session. i would have to say this because, my friend's father said that a guy should never hold a bag for anyone. My father is an exception.:o)

As we grow up, he becomes more like a friend than a father. Although, we have gone through so many turbulence, but i guess we are going steady. There are so many things that a girl could ask for, but a father is definitely priceless. Nobody is perfect, and it wouldn't be fair to judge him based on what he did or what he didn't do. I believe, we all done our best to live our life.


Now at the age of 27 years,i have so much in common with him. His time consciousness, his discipline, his diplomacy, his reasoning, his sense of humour(though mine is worst:o))his curiosity, his style and many other things.I realised that if it hadn't for him, i would just be another couldn't care-less soul who don't care for anything.i would just be another spoiled brat-correct that-useless spoiled brat with no real substance out to trouble anyone close.

Once my mum said: no matter what he did, you would always need him in life. He would always be an important part in your life.

And he is...

Hari

hari yang tiada kamu di muka suratnya,
hari yang tiada kamu di mana-mana,
hari yang tiada kamu di mimpi,
hari yang tiada kamu bersama,
hari yang tiada kamu dibayangnya,
Hari yang tiada kamu.

kosong.

Ajal, Maut, Jodoh dan Pertemuan

Kata seorang kawan:

Ajal dan jodoh itu sinonim. Kerana apabila sudah sampai masanya, ia akan datang dan pergi tanpa dapat dihentikan dan diundurkan seminit pun. Kerana Dia telah menuliskannya pada Luh Mahfudz.kita harus menerima dengan redha apa yang sudah tertulis. disamping berdoa agar apa juga pun yang datang biarlah yang terbaik untuk kita.
Kerana itu, berdoalah sekiranya dia adalah jodoh kita, terimalah dengan hati yang terbuka dan berlapang dadalah sekiranya ternyata dia tidak dituliskan untuk kita.

Dengan perasaan tawadhuk, dalam hati berkata: Allah selalu akan memberikan apa yang kita terima dengan berlapang dada.apa yang kita terima dengan redha,rela dan ikhlas. Lebih daripada apa yang kita dapat menerima dengan senang hati. Banyak bezanya antara gembira menerima dan menerima dengan redha, rela dan ikhlas. Cuma ianya sukar dijelaskan dengan bahasa biasa. kita harus berbicara dengan bahasa tuhan.

Redha adalah menerima dengan rasa syukur, ikhlas, rela serta berlapang dada.
Menerima dengan tangan terbuka adalah menerima dengan gembira.Banyak bezanya.

kerana itu, hati berdetik lagi:sekiranya jodoh sudah tertulis di azali, kita menerimanya dengan gembira. dan sekiranya jodoh itu hanyalah sekadar jodoh pertemuan, kita menerimanya dengan redha.

Amin...

Streams of positiveness

i am trying everyday to accentuate the positive!Everyday!

I am trying to be the best friend anyone can have: encouragement, openness, understanding, helpfulness, empathy, sense of humour, kind-no prejudice.

i am trying to be more appreciative of my times: do everything i can while i still have it.

i am trying to make my work life more enjoyable:find something new to add on, encourage creativity and be more practical. i have to have the edge as an educator. i have to have THE added values.

#these are all the points i got from my meeting with my superior. he was right, probably, i was immature and childlike in assessing my situation. This is just something that i have to go through, so that i may improve my decision making skills later in life, enhance the leadership quality.

i am trying my best to stay grounded. In short,i love mature people. older in mumber, and wiser in perspective.:o)

Say a little prayer

Today, i heard so many good things- so many happy things, yet there's a piercing sadness in my heart. maybe doubts, maybe helplessness.

For the first time in my life, i am praying for him. i am praying for me. i am praying for us.
I am praying that whatever happens will be the best for both of us.

I am prayerful for everything.

*i'm so much of a crybaby.:p

the joy of driving

"memandu dengan laju adalah perbuatan yang TIDAK COOL"

Bak kata Aziz dalam Pendekar Bujang Lapok: "Segala pokok bakau ko langgar daa..."

last night was a humbling experience. We should never consider getting into a car when the driver was a) woman b)very mad c)texting and driving at the same time d)calling/ talking in an aggressive manner AND driving at the same time. VERY DANGEROUS!
i was at the wrong place at the right time. I wanted to go home, and she wanted to go home as well. BUT, the thing was i didn't know that she was in the middle of heated argument with her so called "scandal".
when eventually we reached home, i felt so relieved..Pheww!

But i dont know if it can only be applied to a certain individual.

i was in a quite similar situation before. i was on my way back from some place sending a friend away on holiday. And at that time i was very sad, i was crying in my car. Full with emotion and driving at the speed of 120km/hour.But thank god, i was only racing at a long winding road.. and as i was still crying, when i reached the guard post, i wiped my tears, rolled down my window and talked to the guards, asking them their holiday plan, and wishing them a blessed hari raya. it was a weird thing to do, but calming at the same time. I felt glad because it meant i was able to control my emotion, and be okay again. Afterwards, the whole day started to fall back into places, and i forgot about my sadness..But again, different people coped with emotion differently.

i was thankful for this lesson. i would never ever drive like a lunatic. it is not a practical thing to do. it is dangerous. and it is childish. The joy of driving in the first place is that we are able to master the skill, being artful about the way we go about it, and always be considerate when we do it.

Thank you Allah for this experience.