The good and the not so good

Today is an extremely beautiful day. The sky was blue and cloudless. The sun was shining brightly. The wind was blowing softly.trees were swaying.and on and on.i feel such a contrastive aura as i walked around with black umbrella,black tudung,black bag. Thank god for my blue sandals and white shirt.such positive energy that made me think of only the good things. A bonus point was i instinctively told my friend to go for waiting list. Guess what? She got it.oh yes.i am gliding throughout the day. Subhanallah walhamdulillah for it all.one not so very positive.i hadnt done anything on my fail kualiti for jabatan. Nil. It was my fault for being ignorance about it. If i cant finish it by 8am this coming monday,then i'll take full responsibility for it.i will not run away from my commitment. Insya Allah. I decided to take full responsibility for it..

Melankolia

Indah di mata, indah d i jiwa yang berahi.. Bagaikan direnda, terpesona penuh asyik.. Dan kubelai.. Titis angin yg berbisik.. Buka rahsia.. Kau kekasihku? Pecahan ombak yang menyentuh pipi ini.. Pedih mata hati bagai ditusuk panah duri.. Dan kusapu..kerna kabur pandanganku.. Dalam langkah tarian cintamu.. Duhai malam, tiada bintang. Menghiasi taman kasih ini. Hanya aku sendirian, tak berteman.. Keseorangan.. Kekasihku, hanya aku. Yang memuja sisa cinta ini. Seandainya ombak laut surut lagi... Aku pergi.

Kerana...

Another new day. Mundane,common,routine, ordinary-uneventful. I finally settled my ticket for hari raya, which gives me sense of direction...in the morning, i tried to find materials for my classes but it seemed that my focus wavered, so i give up. Instead,i updated my attendance. Ready facts and materials,no thinking involved.suit me just fine. Later, i helped preparing document for the audit-supposedly this week.. There are things that i wish have ready answers. Too bad,there arent any. I deleted a person from my facebook list. And i didnt do it to purposely hurt anybody. I did it unintentionally. When i realised it,at first i thought it was not that bad. Maybe it was the best for everybody.. But guilt is eating up on me. So out of guilt,i informed this person of my action and asked whether i could add him up again.. Then again, i thought it was just a social web. What can be so bad about it? But then,it got uncomfortable.. Believe me.i am really sorry how it turned out. It was purely childish impulse on my part,i know. And that was totally unprofessional way of behaving. On second thought, maybe it was not bad after all.i promise myself that i would turn a new page of my life.in order for that to happen, i have to forget what's in the past. I have started afresh this semester, and if it would make me feel happier, than is it a bad thing to do? I just want a justification of my promise. I have been overly concerned by what people think or feel, and i hurt myself by compromising to that. I wish i could say that i didnt feel anything about this. Just so you know that i am..hurt. It just that, perhaps it's about the right time to move away..i remembered,once you asked me to forget what happened,and i am not sure you want me to forget all that had been said or the things we have done. I remembered once you said that you are not close to anybody,and wouldnt want to be close to one.. And i remembered thinking, am i not close enough?or the thought that say:so what am i to you? Which you answered much later...just a good friend. yeah,well. Indeed.Perhaps that's the answer..and perhaps,you are right. Perhaps this is the best for both of us...

Fractions

Today is progressive..i didnt run all over the house,i simply walk and look at everything. How i have neglected my bolthole. Today was a chance to fix and mend things that i can get my hands on. Surprisingly easy and well done.i was grateful of years of training-being second in command at home after mum-because my father was always working at other places-that im able to fix things myself..glad that i dont need manly presence to do simple things,such as fixing pipe or sink blockage..that are all learn-able skills,ladies and gentleman.. Labours in the morning, followed with cooking. My expertise again. Strangely,all my cooking skills,modifying and creating recipes i got it from my father. My father loves cooking, from steamed fish, asam pedas,hinava,mixed vege with oyster,fried rice to spaghetti, meat and chicken, soup..you named it...everything is only the best in town...even maggie tastes differently.my mum has the same good taste and skills.so, i become one.. Grateful that i get the benefit of both. I know why i hate sissy-ness.hahaha. Today i watched two movies.. Qaisy dan Laila, and another one was Laskar Pelangi. Both strengthen my belief in humanity. Laskar was a story about the importance of education. I was deeply moved by the innocence of the portrayal. It moved through the point of view of the children-a clear message of how life events controlled your life,but somehow it depends on you to deal in which way. It strengthen my motivation to try giving my best to my students. To understand that sharing what i have is a responsibility that should be carried out with all due respect. What would it be like to teach in a place like that? No proper facility, not sufficient wages?i was thinking,here we get everything we want,everything we need,salary that's more than enough..and still.. Most of the times,we still complaint more,and work less.or not working at all..we cant even be responsible for our job,let alone to god.. It was a good point for reflection. Qaisy was a story about human relation. Again it is thought evoking. This is the second time i watched.though not entirely this time. I noticed the gender issues and the harsh reality of people living in war zone. Dreams and hopes are not possible because every minute is a struggle to be alive. Every second is a challenge to overcome doubts and fear. They were facing physical and mental torture and still they go on living,surviving their doubts and fears. So i learned a lot.. I realised that disappointment or rather hardship is not uniqe.it happens all the times to different people,in different situation,at different time.and we,human learned how to cope,and behave accordingly.... Hmmm.i miss my baby,his smile and his antics.i have to wait for a month before i can hold him.oh,the long wait.and i also feel proud of something ive done that had or hadnt made a person happy..i intended to make my professional life stress free. That's all. Now i can begin my voyage on my newfound happiness by focusing on my wants and needs(and let others mind their own business@. TQVM

Thank you

This is to say thank you to whom it may concern.

Thank you for pretending to be my friend so i learn to value a real good friend.

Thank you for telling my secret to another person so i learn that trust is invaluable.

Thank you for telling everyone that i was being immature so i learn how a mature person think and act.

Thank you for laughing at my eccentrics so now i learn to have more respect to people around me.

Thank you for thinking that im trying to beat you in everything so i know that i must be the best in my game.

Thank you for trying your best to fix thing for me so im able to appreciate it when people were really helping.

Thank you for making the effort to be nice, so i know nice person when i meet one.

Thank you for making me feel so much pain so i wont ever think of causing others to feel the same.

Thank you for showing your true colour,at least i know now who i should stay away from.

I promise to be in shape and gain the trust i almost lost from that somebody who always show professional and moral support-regardless of my worsen performance these lately.

Thank you Allah,again for the million chances you bestowed on me. Alhamdulillah.

Aku

Kalau sampai waktuku
'Ku mau tak seorang kan merayu
Tidak juga kau

Tak perlu sedu sedan itu

Aku ini binatang jalang
Dari kumpulannya terbuang

Biar peluru menembus kulitku
Aku tetap meradang menerjang

Luka dan bisa kubawa berlari
Berlari
Hingga hilang pedih peri

Dan aku akan lebih tidak perduli

Aku mau hidup seribu tahun lagi

Aku lari ke hutan, kemudian menyanyiku,
Aku lari ke pantai, kemudian teriakku
sepi... Sepi dan sendiri aku benci.
Aku ingin bingar. Aku mau di pasar.
Bosan aku dengan penat, dan enyah saja kau, pekat!
Seperti berjelaga jika aku sendiri
Pecahkan saja gelasnya biar ramai
Biar mengaduh sampai gaduh
Ahh.. ada malaikat menyulam jaring laba-laba belang di tembok keraton putih
Kenapa tak goyangkan saja loncengnya?
Biar terderah, atau...
aku harus lari ke hutan belok ke pantai?
-Chairil Anwar-
Maret 1943

Killer instinct

I am right. Again. Someone is getting married.the thing is i already guessed way before anybody else knew about it.the thing is the girl i thought was with him wasnt.the other one who was quite unexpected actually..hmm.my two friends were practically accidentally talking about this certain someone when they mentioned about this other girl.and i also think that the girl was someone from his place..so i am right about one thing,and also wrong about another.i feel so much better knowing that because it troubles me to think about our recent development.now that im sure about one thing,it is easier to let go. Since my instinct on this one is right,should i trust my instinct on other things? I couldnt let myself run away with my imagination again,could i?least im wrong again..