Today

The headache had gone from wild throbbing to a mild one. But i still have to abstain from my Caffeine..

today, i managed to complete my list of things to finish marking. All of them. Marked and put neatly in my marking form. Great!:o)

today, i managed to cut my calorie lesser than i normally eat on working day.Cutting the cost as well!hehehe. i was not as hungry as usual, and my craving for food has lessen. Yes!!! so my going to the sport center these lately seems to be working wonder.
Insya Allah, im going to start my jogging session later..Hurrayy to keeping fit..:o)

Well.My outspoken-ness got out today. Twice. I was definitely extra sensitive today. Someone was making fun of my passing out in a car awhile back while we were in Sibu. I understand that she didn't mean to joke about it, but someone else thought it was funny. that moron laughed it OUT LOUD. So, in my most cynical way, i said straight away: funny,was it? Try to be in that situation and feel for yourself whether it was funny or no..As if on cue, the laugh stopped and everyone pretended nothing was said, and changed the topic. I on the other hand smiled a sweet smile, and keep quiet. i just didn't like the way they talked about it as if it was a fun thing. No, people. it was not. FYI, at that time, i was battling with headache, and nauseous feeling, because obviously i have eaten something i wasn't supposed to eat. and because i was too stupid and egoistic and didn't want to trouble other people with my condition, that's what i get.an entire lifetime's set of laughter.

And during the afternoon tea with my friend. The canteen people served me with an expired milk. so imagine the taste of my Bandung..So i went to the counter, and asked the person to have a sip from my bandung. There's no use talking. and for that: i got air jagung special. Whatever. the point is i was only trying to prove my point. Luckily, i didn't say anything cynical this time. ;o)

Sessions with my mum these lately inspired a change of perspective for me, also maybe a change in address. So, i have 2 new goals. Perhaps all these while, what's lacking in me was a goal to achieve. So Insyaallah, if Allah wills, then it will be.

Rating for today: Good,despite a few turbulence. :o)

and the pain continues

Still in so much pain.

the lower part on the right side of my head is throbbing painfully. i have to consider going to the doctor tomorrow. i couldn't let myself be helpless where i have to ask other people to take care of me. That would be too much troubles.

i don't know what is the point of eating all that painkillers. They are just filling my veins with unnecessary drugs.If this continues, i would be in such a lousy state, that would irritate my very self.

Please just go away, pain. Please!

Aches that linger

My head is in continuous pain since Saturday night. I thought it was the time of the month, but it never shows up.

Then, it must be an old bout of migraine. I have been living almost without my usual daily intact of caffeine, and it didn't go away. Instead, it continues throbbing.it has been my constant companion for now. i don't know what to expect of it...

but i happily go about doing everything that i feel like doing; play volleyball, going to the gym, anything at all(with caution) although, i feel uncomfortable with it. sometimes when it becomes too much and i couldn't focus, then i feel like screaming. or when people are laughing happily it annoyed me because the pain is unbearable..

or probably it was caused by my over eating habit(i have more appetite than before) these lately..and when the thought about my weight strike/i suddenly feel overwhelmed. i hate fatness and everything that look round.. Hate would probably be an understatement. I DETEST FAT!!!!.

oh i have a serious case of psychological illness. no doubt about it by now.
and i dare to wonder why my headache wouldn't go away...

My pockets of Sunshine

Blessing is always the small details in life that we tend to overlook because we expected that Allah would give us what we need in bulk.

Today, a stranger asked or rather invited me to eat with her in her kitchen!i was dumbfounded because i almost can't believe that such kindness existed.Or i didnt expect any kindness from people. but when she insisted on suddenly inviting me for lunch, i just couldn't say NO. It was simple dishes-jeruk buah embang(as the local called it, and ikan masin)- and also an iced tea. As i was eating, i thank god for the opportunity to witness kindness in this form. As i was leaving the premise, i thanked the aunt, and pray that God blessed her with the same kindness she had demonstrated to me. She just smiled. Although i insisted on paying the iced tea, she refused my money.

the day before, as i was paying my breakfast, i bumped into a lady friend of mine who has forgotten her purse. as she was busy contacting her husband to come and pay for the food she bought, i silently paid it for her. It seemed to be an appropriate gesture at the time. although, our acquaintance is a fleeting one-it is just a nodding acquaintance, but i am glad to be off help.

i dont believe in doing good only when people understand the meaning of your action. i believe that there is goodness in every action, IF only you want to see it that way.

Another one was-by now a very dear friend of mine- i was touched deeply by-what i believed- was a great gesture of friendship. i like the way he was being frank about things that concerned me-of work, of personal things, or of anything. i remembered once when i got myself into an accident, he was the only one who didn't try to make me feel better. he said to my face-that it was your fault, and that it happened because you were not extra careful. I was sad by the accident but i dont need people who keep on saying it's ok, everyone got into at least one accident, don't feel bad about yourself thingy. I dont need people who keeps on saying good things in an attempt to make me feel better only to laugh about it at my back. i felt better because there was someone who cared enough to point that it was serious, and i should do something about it. the reality surprisingly kept me grounded.i appreciated that about him. i like his neutrality, the brotherly affection i always feel when i'm around him, or his insecurity when he was angry or when he was doubting himself on something. i really appreciated him being there. i wish all the happiness in the world for him, and may Allah made easier for him his affairs.Amin..

i talked to my mum, and i realised how i wanted to hug her, for being the best person on earth. forgive me mum if i'm not a perfect daughter for you.But i love you so much.i might be a crybaby most of the times, and you never complaint about that even once.i lost myself once but you bring me back, and i was forever indebted to you. But, i promise you, im going to be always the best for you.Insyaallah.

Doa hari ini

Ya Allah...

Maaf hamba Mu ini meminta lagi.

Dengan nama Allah, yang mana tidak ada sesuatu pun dilangit dan bumi yang memudaratkan tanpa izin Mu...

Kau cukupkanlah keperluan ku sehingga aku tak meminta-meminta selain daripadaMu.
Peliharalah diriku dari rasa sedih dan duka, dari sifat lemah dan malas, dari kebakhilan dan kefakiran serta seksa kubur. .
Peliharalah diriku dari beban hutang dan penindasan orang

Sesungguhnya tiada tuhan melainkan Engkau, dan aku ini adalah dari kalangan orang-orang yang menzalimi diri.


Tiadalah daya upaya melainkan Engkau ya Allah. Aku menyerahkan segala urusanku pada perkiraan-Mu ya Rahman,ya Rahim..

amin...

kata-kata hanya mimpi

Inilah aku. Suka sabotaj kebahagiaan sendiri.

Hari berputar bagai tiada henti. Hariku penuh dengan tugasan yang sentiasa menanti.lalu aku terlarut ke alam sendiri. membiarkan dia menjawab sendiri tanda soal di hati.

lantaran terbiasa menjaga diri, terlupa seketika ada dia ditepi, kubiarkan masa berlalu sendiri, kerana ku butuh ruang sendiri.

saat dia cuba merapati, semakin jauh ku bawa diri. bukan kerana hati tak sudi, kerana tak tahu bagaimana mengungkapi rasa hati.

Oh, bagaimana ini?semakin ku cuba membuka hati, semakin jauh pula aku berlari. masih bimbang andai dia khianati, mengharap dia mengerti sendiri.

Tuhan, bagaimana seharusnya aku hadapi, sekejap rasa kasih dihati, sekejap rasa bertukar ngeri, sekali sekala bimbang sendiri, ada ketika tak ambil peduli.

Adakah belum layak aku bermimpi?memilih dia menghuni dihati?adakah belum tiba seru alami?Yang dekat belum mampu berganti?atau hati yang bermain sendiri?menidakkan perasaan yang mulai kembang berseri? atau apakah?

Tercipta Untukku

Menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
Membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku
Mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
Saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

Banyak kata
Yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
Kepada dirimu

Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah
Yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku
Sepanjang hidupku

Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah
Yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku
Meski waktu akan mampu
Memanggil seluruh ragaku
Ku ingin kau tau
Kuslalu milikmu
Yang mencintaimu
Sepanjang hidupku


................................