Of moving

Another colleague is leaving and sad about it. I dont understand. Getting transfer should be a happy occasion; given the fact that she always talk about getting transfer, about moving to some place else.  yes, it is sad to leave the place you've known like the back of your hand. It is sad to leave the people. It is a little awkward to start anew from zero with other people in another place. But should be a happy thing to be able to be close to your family.

When i got transferred, i was happy and sad at the same time. I was sad to leave my circle of friends, which i've gotten to like very much.  But i was excited thinking about home. Excited that finally i got what i've always wanted. I am happy. Though i cried the entire day on the way home. Simply because i purposedly avoid meeting my good friend and send him a text instead. I decided that lebih baik saya tak jumpa dia. So when i texted him saying i'm on the way, sorry blabla..when he replied my text i knew it was the right decision to not go see him before i leave. My brother who was driving got fed up at me for crying so much.   THAT's how bad i cried. But i'm coming back for his wedding :)

i cried when i went to see everyone in admin. when all the kakaks there hugged me, i cried like hell. When i went to HEP, again i cried. It was sad. but it's the right thing to do at that time.It was time to move on. I would certainly miss people. Terribly . 

I remembered when one of my colleagues asked me-cynically- that me asking for transfer is just "cuba-cuba". I didn't like the tone but i love people like this - it was a sign to be curt and matter of fact. 

When i moved out, it was not to satisfy some people, it was more to protect my sanity and myself. I will always remember how i felt in this moment. They always said i should take one for the team and how hurtful was that . i think now the karma is paid and return accordingly. So ii is time to move on..:)

 Everything did happen for a reason.

Alhamdulillah

I dedicate this post to my superior.

She came to me and hugged me, pat me at the back and said thank you for coming in like a breath of fresh air. For helping to do things and running things. For not holding back. Wow, thank you for letting me know that, mam. A very simple word but for me it warmed my heart. Really appreciate it. Especially when you have been living in an environment where anybody rarely say anything nice or comforting.  Where you learn to give the compliment to yourself. Really really moved.i accepted the compliment. Thank you

Thank you Allah, for sending people who help me to mend everyday. Thank you for reminding me that i am on the right track. Thank you  Allah for giving me the opportunity to recover. Thank you ya Allah for the wisdom to understand. Thank you ya Allah for the blessings.

Alhamdulillah.

The "Sorry" Post

Felt a deep sense of sorry-ness. If there ever were any word such that.

Just something a friend told me when she was in my house. Something and someone that i took for granted. Me and my vain self. Me and my own problems. i cant see that he was always there for me. I am sorry, good friend. How i had taken you for granted for not understanding what you really are. I feel ashamed to always say that i am a good friend but i didn't understand you enough to give back the love you had for me. I am sorry. But what can i do now except pray that everything turn well for you? I pray harder for that.

It seems that i had been underestimating myself once too often. I didn't know my true power. i didn't realise my own potential. I let other people's opinions ruled my mind. And in the process of being indifference, i hurt other people. i was protecting myself. that was my only defense. huhu

Tired

Thanks to those who hated me, you made me a stronger person.
Thanks to those who loved me, you made my heart bigger.
Thanks to those who envied me, you made my self-esteem grow.
Thanks to those who cared, you made me feel important.
Thanks to those who worried, you let me know that you cared.
Thanks to those who left, you made me aware that nothing is forever.
Thanks to those who stayed, you showed me the meaning of true friendship.
Thanks to those who entered my life, you made me who i am today

You call it Life...

One month and a few days at my this place. still doing some adjustment. Sometimes i feel like i dont know what i am doing. Sometimes i feel as if  im living few years behind as people and processes are considerably slower here than any other place i have been. The only thing that moves pretty fast here is the time. Any clock or watch at any class or office will always be 15 minutes earlier than the real time.  It sets me every time into panic mood. i go to the office at 730 hour in the morning and when i reached the office it's already 750.Goodness! and the drive is less than 5 minutes! i feel like Alice in the wonderland. Always confused. Always trying to figure out which is which or what or how. 

I am always busy. as usual.  It occupies my over thinking mind. It helps me to focus. It helps me to stay grounded. it's like a reality that cut into my day dreamer's world.  Nice. I like it. Strangely, usually i like positive people. Though there is one person whom so called positiveness is acidic to the point of annoyance. what i think: She is trying to appear positive with encouragement, positive words and pats on the shoulder. But at the end of the day, somewhat you realised that she is actually not positive. i still dont know what is the adjective to describe her. When i do find the adjective, i'll blog about the "word". ;)

I dont understand myself. i feel deeply troubled. i feel like someone is taking advantage of my feeling, to her own benefit. I can accept frankness, but i cant possibly accept someone who do it the underhand way. Senang ceritalah. Saya tak suka perasaan dikhianati. Saya tak suka orang berpura-pura Saya tak suka orang gunakan saya sebagai batu loncatan untuk mencapai apa yang dia mahu. Simply dont like it. Contohnya: Dia ni suka seseorang in my circle tapi sebab dia tahu saya berkawan dengan orang itu - and in order to get closer to that person - dia ni pun berkawan lah juga dengan saya. Normally she wont even bother. Ataupun, dia ni tau saya suka seseorang ini, dia pun menggeletis juga lebih sudu dari kuah approach that guy. Siapa yang suka siapa ni?I immediately turn off my feeling for this guy because of that.  Hey lady, don't abuse my friendship eh!

 I left from my Mukah group today. Simply because i feel i don't belong anymore. I felt disconnected when they talked about things i didn't know.  Maybe i should reconsider my plan of attending my good friend's wedding in Mukah this December? i should just cancel my plan. i should. Entah apa pa ntah me. 

Sempena Ramadhan yang ke 13 ini, mudah-mudahan keberkatan Allah sentiasa melimpahi, semoga diberikan oleh Allah petunjuk dan hidayah untuk memahami yang tersurat dan tersirat, Semoga Allah mengampunkan dosa-dosa yang telah lalu mahupun yang akan datang, 

Things

KK is so hot!

The good thing is i go home every weekend and come back to work fresh after getting energized at home.
Infact there are many actually. Learning many new things again as i move along.
New responsibilities at hand
Some are very new.others are things i used to do. I can relearn and unlearn.
Classes are several blocks away.Thank god i used to walk all the way to the library. Now i have no problem walking down two blocks away from office.
I only have good and positive things in my mind. I try to block off things that are considered useless eg. an ex-co worker of mine called from far away just to complain about problems with other people or rather to bring other people down with her. Something that i m not interested to entertain.  Defense mechanism. Herding - call it whatever. Or things such as the underlying politics of the new office. Not interested. What i  interested in is work, work and work. Nothing else.

I'm in the state of totally missing somebody. i see and hear him everywhere.   How in the whole world can i tell him how i feel? For the first time, i don't know how to tell him that. I don't know how to show that i care. I don't what to make of my feeling. I just don't know. The only thing that come to mind when i think of him is how much i feel loved. Di sayang. The things that he did warmth my heart to the very soul. The support, the friendship..Ahhh not to mention the cakes. I am going to confess now and only now: 

I like you so much.   

International You Day

I'm sorry that it took so long to write this song
But I gave up
You see, one million words can't describe how it feels
To know your love

Where did I go wrong?
I should have told you from the start
That I'm closer than you think when we're apart
Nothing that I've tried is as simple as this line

But without you, my life is incomplete
My days are absolutely grey
And so I try, let your heart know for sure
That I have so much more to tell you every single day

I swear, I'm giving up my inside to the one
That I adore
I know this world is big enough for you and I
But I'll give you more

I'm coming home today to wipe the tear drop from your eyes
I'm totally enamoured by your life
Nothing that I've done has ever been for one

But without you, my life is incomplete
My days are absolutely grey
And so I try, let your heart know for sure
That I have so much more to tell you every single day

My life is incomplete
My rights are absolutely wrong
So wake me up, before you leave today
Something I need to say, 'cause there'll be nothing when you're gone